-Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show." Thank you for being here.
[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you for watching. Well, guys, earlier tonight,
President Biden delivered his first joint address
to Congress on the eve of his
100th day in office. Last time someone in their 70s
got that much applause, they were doing "Da Butt." [ Laughter ] -Yeah!
[ Laughter ] -Come on.
-That's right. The Capitol
took center stage tonight, and I got to be honest,
it was nice to see someone behind the podium who wasn't
wearing deer antlers and a pelt. [ Laughter ] Yeah, it was a fun night
for Democrats. On the other hand, Republicans
didn't seem too thrilled. They looked like
they just heard their best hope in 2024 is Randy Quaid. [ Laughter ] Of course, Vice President
Kamala Harris sat behind Biden. She had a spray bottle
just in case he started drifting off topic. It's like -- "Joe, Joe, Joe! No, Joe! No, stop!"
[ Laughter and applause ] "Let's get on with it.
Come on. Back -- Focus." Due to COVID, this was not
a typical joint address. For instance, all the lawmakers
were seated far apart for social distancing,
which was too bad 'cause they couldn't do the
usual Congressional kiss cam. [ Laughter ] On CBS,
the address aired right after "The Price is Right at Night," which was why Biden
was introduced with, "Joe Biden, come on down!" ♪♪ [ Applause ] Yeah, I think there might
have been a cross promotion, because after unveiling
his American Families Plan, Biden was like, "And the actual
retail price, $1.8 trillion!" [ Laughter ] That's right,
during his address, Biden unveiled his $1.8 trillion
American Families Plan. At first, people thought he said
"American Family Plan," like we're all going to hop on
the same Verizon account. It's like, "It's a genius idea!
We all share the same bill! 300 million people." A big part of the plan includes
free universal preschool. -Whoo!
-Yeah, I think that's -- [ Cheers and applause ]
I think that's pretty good. Pretty good, considering sending
your kid to preschool now is just handing them an iPad. [ Laughter ] Now this is big.
Earlier today, federal Investigators
raided Rudy Giuliani's Manhattan apartment and office because of his dealings
in Ukraine. When the agents walked in,
Rudy got so nervous, he started sweating hair dye and tucking all the evidence
down his pants. [ Laughter ] [ As Borat ] "My wife."
[ Laughter ] [ Normal voice] Rudy was like,
"Why, I have nothing to hide except for everything
past this door." [ Laughter ] Yeah, Rudy panicked
and called his lawyer, then when his own phone
started ringing, he panicked even more.
[ Laughter ] "No!" Well, guys, a lot of people have
road trips planned this summer, but I just saw that gas stations
all over the country could run out of gas
in the coming months. It's gonna be a tough summer,
especially because gasoline is the main ingredient
in White Claw Surge. [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] There's my man.
One area. -Wow!
[ Laughter ] Now you know.
-That's it, yeah. The people waiting online
for "The Tonight Show," everybody gets
a White Claw Surge. [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] That is a rowdy area.
That -- [ Laughs ] My God.
-[ Laughs ] -Meanwhile, toymaker Hasbro
just said that it would raise the prices
of its games and toys as the cost
of raw materials increases. Yeah, now they're
just selling boxes that say, "Toy not included."
[ Laughter ] Some more business news --
Chipotle is giving away 250,000 burritos to nurses
and healthcare workers in honor of National Nurses Day. [ Cheers and applause ] Not only is that great news
for healthcare workers, but I think we also just solved
the gas shortage. [ Laughter ] -Wow. I saw that Rotten Tomatoes
now ranks "Paddington 2" ahead of "Citizen Kane" as the
best reviewed film of all time. White Claw people love
"Paddington 2." [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] Yeah, "Paddington 2."
It's a great movie, but it's pretty surprising
that the number-one slot isn't one of Paddington's
more dramatic movies. I mean, just this year,
he was in "NoPantsLand." [ Laughter ] Year before that,
he was in "Bearasite." [ Laughter ] -[ Thinking ] That's it, Tariq.
Just keep fake laughing. It is almost the weekend. -There's also
"Mar Me By Your Lade." [ Laughter ] -[ Thinking ] Man, I was
at the Oscars on Sunday. I should have stayed my ass
in L.A. -And, of course,
who could forget classics like "The Coatbook." -Holy [bleep]
This is great! Fallon, you've changed
the late-night game once again. [ Laughing ] -And, of course, "Bravehat." [ Laughter ]
[ Laughing ] Oh, my God. [ Laughing ]
-Glad you guys enjoyed that. -Oh, my God.
-That bit. -[ Laughing ]
"Bravehat"! -Some, uh...
[ Laughter ] Some more entertainment news. After the success
of "Godzilla vs. Kong," they're already thinking about
the next movie, which could be called
"Son of Kong." -Ooh.
-Yep. It starts with King Kong going,
"You're my son? Damn, that clinic said that
you'd never be able to find me." [ Laughter ] Yeah, it is about a giant ape
who doesn't want to go into his family's
lizard-punching business. "I'm different than you, Dad!" [ Laughter ] And this is fun --
they're also planning a movie that takes place before
"Son of Kong," called "How I Met Your Monkey." [ Laughter ] -[ Laughing loudly ] [ Laughter ] -Well, guys --
[ Laughter ] Well, guys, it's now been over
a year since we all got on Zoom, and yet some people are still
getting the hang of it, even people on the news. So you know what that means.
It's time for another installment of "Greatest Moments
in Zoom History." Enjoy. [ Cheers and applause ] -And it went viral because -- -As soon as the Congresswoman
said "viral," she froze. -I now call upon
the prime minister of the Republic of India,
his excellency Narendra Modi. -Your excellency,
President Biden. [ Phone dialing ] Colleagues.
My fellow citizens. [ Phone dialing ] -Well, I guess we could,
you know, good old college try, I suppose. -[ No audio ] [ Laughter ] -If you're near the White House, what's the mood like
among the crowd there? [ Repetitive static ] [ Cheers and applause ] -[ Laughing ] [ Loud tapping ] At this point, we've all heard
some crazy conspiracy theories about the vaccine,
but check out how a doctor reacted yesterday
when a Republican lawmaker was pressing him
on one of the theories. [ Laughter and applause ] -Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Come on. -The lawmaker was then like,
"Okay. So maybe I won't ask my next question
about the vaccine turning us into wolf people."
[ Laughter ] He could have saved himself
some embarrassment if he had just
looked up the answer on the tracking device
in his pocket. [ Laughter ] The phone is tracking you,
buddy! [ Laughter and applause ] "Fitbit says I did 10,000 --" Yeah, it knows exactly
where you stepped. I heard about a mix-up
at a vaccination site that put one California woman
in a peculiar situation, but she doesn't seem to be
too worried about it. Listen to this.
-89 years of life, Joanne Lawton's learned one
very important lesson. -What good would it do
to be afraid of anything? -Even after
she got her COVID-19 vaccine, the first dose from Pfizer
and the second from Moderna. -How do you feel
that you have two separate -- -I feel no different,
and I don't give a darn. [ Cheers and applause ] -That's what I'm talking about.
[ Laughs ] -Yeah.
-That's what I am talking about. That Republican lawmaker
was like, "Geez. Now you have two
tracking devices in you!" [ Laughter ] And finally, a man in Oklahoma
got into a bit of an accident while trying to park.
Watch this. -A car caught on camera
after smashing into an Oklahoma middle school. Police posting this picture
of the damage and the debris to social media. They say a man was trying
to park his Mercedes. Well, he accidentally
put the S.U.V. into drive instead of reverse and slammed
right through the school's wall. Luckily, no one was hurt. [ Laughter ] -He tried to play it off
by hopping out of the car like the Kool-Aid Man. "Oh, yeah!"
