<i> (FINGERS SNAPPING
RHYTHMICALLY)</i> (TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING) Come on, Fester,
get that power going. I want this crash
to be a real whopper. I'm too excited to
play trains, Gomez. I should go up to my room
and pack some things
for the outing. But that's tomorrow. It's going to be real neat. Exploring a brand-new cave. And I'm gonna light the way
for everybody. (BUZZING) Bright as Broadway. (BUZZING) Now, what'll it be today,
Pugsley? A nice head-on collision? Couldn't we have
a derailment for a change? Derailment it is. Let that current go, Fester. I wanna see 'em
fly off the tracks. Gomez, don't you think
I ought to save myself
till tomorrow? Tomorrow is another day. Why didn't I think of that? Okay. Now watch this, Pugsley boy. A wild pile-up
on the next turn. (BUZZING) (TRAINS CHUGGING SLOWLY) Suddenly I went dead. You need recharging. No, I just had that
done this morning. I didn't feel good all day,
but I never thought
it'd come to this. What do we do, Father? The only thing we can do.
Call an electrician. I think I have
an emotional watt seepage. Oh, watt a way to go. Oh, don't make
fun of me, Gomez. I'm sorry, really. Hello? Home Electrical? I'd like to ask
a bit of advice. Our Uncle Fester
seems to have
got himself de-volted. Hello? You're still there? Good. Yes, de-volted. Well, you see, he was
running an electric train and suddenly
his power went off. (METALLIC CLINKING) What did he say? I can't tell you
in front of the boy. (SIGHS) I guess we'll have
to talk to Morticia. Gee, I hate to
worry her about me. Well, it's not the worry.
She was going to bake
a cake this afternoon and she wanted you
to run her cake mixer. Failure upon failure. I feel like going out
and drowning myself
in the smog. Breathe deeply. It does wonders
for your sinuses. Gomez! Well, it does. (PLAYING HARPSICHORD) (GROANING) Again. Thank you, Thing. But remember,
nobody likes a smart thing. Wednesday dear,
that was lovely. You're really improving. I think you're
almost ready to start on the new piece
I bought you. Dance of the Hyenas. Ooh, that sounds pretty. Thank you, Lurch,
that will be all. Mother. MORTICIA: Hmm. Uncle Fester's sick. Are you sure? When I saw him
at breakfast this morning, his face fairly glowed with
that lovely jaundiced color. Maybe he blew a fuse. Oh, darling,
I'm sure he's funning you. He probably wants you
to put a penny behind his ear
to make him go again. I doubt that. No, his malady is
a bit of a mystery. Children, why don't you
go into the kitchen and help Grandmama
sort the toadstools
from the mushrooms. She's going to make
a lovely toadstool souffle. Yummy! WEDNESDAY: Yummy! That reminds me, darling.
If you're going
to bake that cake I'll have to run out
and get you a hand mixer. Then Uncle Fester's
really ill. Not a watt. Oh, darling. I'm afraid this will cancel
our outing for tomorrow. We could take flashlights. Oh, but the light
would be too harsh. And too bright to explore
new and unknown caves. Besides, when Uncle Fester switches to neon,
the effect is
truly spectacular. The children will be
so disappointed. Little Wednesday
was looking forward to collecting
some new spiders. You know how
she adores her pets. I know how you
were looking forward to some hemlock seedlings
for your garden. Darling,
we're being very selfish. We're thinking of ourselves,
and we shouldn't. We should only think
of how to help Uncle Fester. How like you to
think of it that way,<i>
querida mia.</i> You are a gem. Tasty one, too. Darling, do you remember
our second honeymoon
at Niagara Falls? In Niagara Falls. It was a divine cave. Free showers,
anytime of the day or night. (SIGHS)
That was living,<i> mon ami.</i> (EXCLAIMING) Tish. When you speak French
you drive me wild. Speak some more French, Tish.
Anything. <i> Tout à l'heure.</i> <i> La plume de ma tante.</i> <i>Mademoiselle from Armentieres.</i>
Anything. You are a devil. Yes. I'm just gonna pack
my bags and leave. Uncle Fester,
what seems to be the trouble? Mama called me
an outing pooper. Oh, I'm sure
she meant it kindly. Of course. From Mama that's flattery. And that's not all. Thing refused to
Indian wrestle with me. And the piranha fish
wouldn't even take
a bite out of my hand. Oh, that is unfriendly. (SCOFFS)
It's worse than that. I asked Lurch to
bring up my bed of nails so I could get
some relaxation and he absolutely ignored me. We'll see about that. (GONG RESOUNDING) You rang? Lurch, I'm afraid
you're going to have to
apologize to Uncle Fester. (GROANING) That's better. Dear Lurch,
he expresses himself so well. I don't blame anyone
for rejecting me, the way I've ruined
the family's outing. Uncle Fester, Gomez and I
aren't rejecting you. We want to help you. But the question is how? I believe it has something
to do with your diet. Impossible.
I always eat a very simple,
wholesome meal. Now, for breakfast
this morning I had walnut shells
and sour milk. Oh, you should have had
green persimmons first. Naturally. Gosh. If there is
something wrong with me, I hope it's one of those
rare tropical diseases. You know, Morticia. Something, uh, glamorous. I hope so too, dear. But in the meantime,
we must get you well
before tomorrow. Oh, you better
go along without me. I'll probably be
an outing pooper. Well, back to the smog. Poor Uncle Fester.
He sounds suicidal. At least he'll go
with a clear sinus. Uncle Fester! Don't try to
discourage me, Morticia. Uncle Fester,
I've been thinking. Have you been getting
enough moonshine? Morticia,
you know I don't drink. Morticia's referring
to moonbathing. The moon has marvelous
restorative powers
for us Addamses. Provided you don't
take too much of it. There's a full moon
out tonight. If I get too much
I get freckles. Nonsense. A good moonbath
is just the tonic you need. Well, I don't know
about Uncle Fester, but you've talked me into one. Catch. You little minx. Isn't this fun, Fester? Oh, yes.
But I'm not out here for fun. I'm out here to
get my health back. I'd watch myself
with that reflector
the first time around. You should work up gradually
to a nice coat of grey. Very wise, darling. Uncle Fester, would you like
some of Mama's goose grease? Well, I had some. It was delicious. Uncle Fester, you're not
supposed to eat it. You're supposed
to rub it on you. Oh? Maybe that's why
I don't feel any better. Oh, now on top of everything
I've got myself
a severe moonburn. Shucks. Oh, Gomez, you were
a handsome little boy. Darling,
that's our son Pugsley. Oh? You're right,
I thought he looked familiar. Hello, Uncle Fester.
You still alive? Well, don't I look it? Of course, darling. That moonbath
did wonders for you. Don't let this outdoorsy,
athletic exterior fool you. I feel rotten. Thing doesn't
look so hot, either. He couldn't get past
threesies four times in a row. I think there is
something wrong with him. Thing, are you all right? Gomez,
this is becoming serious. I think there maybe something
contagious going around. You may be right.
We'd better check Zelda. Zelda, dear,
are you all right? (SQUAWKING) She sounds fine. Gomez, isn't that sweet?
She's molting. Beautiful. Zelda, darling,
you're not eating your lunch. (SQUAWKING) Dear,
there is something wrong. She's not eating,
and that's her favorite dish.
Dry bones. Wouldn't eat her dried bones. This is serious. There's only one solution.
We've got to call a doctor. A doctor? Which one? The only one.
Our family witch doctor,
Dr. Mbogo. (TELEPHONE RINGING) Who did you want again? Oh, Dr. Mbogo. Wait a minute.
I'll see if I can
get a hold of him. Hold on. (BIRDS CHIRPING) (IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Tish, remind me
to get myself a hollow log. Save a lot of time
by dialing direct. They are taking a long time
getting through, aren't they? Yes. Well, he's probably
got a hut full of patients. Give old Doc a good
tsetse fly bite case and he can't
tear himself away. Hello? Doctor? Gomez Addams here. (LAUGHING) <i> Jambo</i> to you too, Doctor. Uh, Doctor,
uh, we're having a spot of
trouble with Uncle Fester, and we'd appreciate it
if you... Really? Business is that good, eh? Well,
if that's the way it is. Goodbye. What's the matter, dear? Dr. Mbogo isn't making
any more house calls. Well, we're right back
where we started from. Well, now what in the world
are we going to do? I should've engaged
that Pygmy witch doctor when I had the chance. He was reliable. Besides, he could
travel for half fare. This really cancels
our outing, doesn't it, Gomez? Well... You mean I won't get
to catch any spiders? I need some new ones. I know, darling.
But we will go someday. MORTICIA:
After all, Uncle Fester
isn't feeling well. I'm an outing pooper. There's only one thing
left for us to do. Tish, remember, please.
Nothing rash. But I'm afraid the situation
calls for it, dear. We'll have to call
a regular doctor. Why, thank you, Thing. You're still very efficient. Darling, would you mind
handing me the phone, please? Certainly, my dear. Thank you. (RINGING) I'll get it. Dr. Milford. This is Mrs. Addams. Addams. Yes. We have the house
across the street
and down the block from you. No, that's not empty.
That's us. We call it
our honeymoon cottage. Oh, yes, Mrs. Addams.
Now I get you. What can I do for you? A member of our family
is feeling a bit under and we wondered
if you could stop by today? I'd be glad to. Thank you. Goodbye. You think we did
the right thing? Darling, if this doctor
proves inadequate, we'll send out West
for a medicine man. Hello. Hello, little girl. This is the Addams house,
isn't it? Are you the doctor
that's going to cure
Uncle Fester? Well, I'm certainly
going to try my best. Where's your mask and spear? My what? The last doctor
we had came like that. Yes, well... Uh, this was the best
I could do on the spur
of the moment. I hope you can cure
Uncle Fester. He can't even
make the trains go. Trains? We haven't had
a good wreck all day. So that's what
a family doctor looks like. He certainly doesn't
inspire confidence. Not like Dr. Mbogo. And I'm afraid I won't be
able to settle his fee for a few painted beads,
either. (FOGHORN SOUNDING) What's that little
black bag he's carrying? I don't know, dear. But I'm sure,
because it's black, it's something to help you. I don't think
I'm gonna like him. The white hair
and those glasses. How un-medical can he get? Dr. Milford. How do you do, Doctor? This is my lovely bride,
Morticia. And this is our patient,
Uncle Fester. I feel fine. Go away. I, I'm not going to harm you. I don't like quacks. You'll have to forgive him. MORTICIA: He's used to
our old family doctor. But he's busy with his tribe. Oh. Wonderful doctor. Cured my pneumonia
by dousing me with kerosene and pouring
ashes over my head. Sometimes the old-fashioned
remedies are best. Well, Doctor, would you like
Mrs. Addams and me to leave? You're not gonna
leave me alone with him. No. That won't be necessary. Not for the moment, at least. All right.
Make yourself comfortable. Doctor... Now if you'll just
take off your coat,
I can start my examination. I never take my coat off.
I just couldn't. He's really very modest. Well, all right.
I'll try and work around it. Uh, sit right here, please. Fester. Right. My dear. Now open your mouth
and say "ah." Ah. Ah. This is most unusual. Your tongue is bright blue. Blue? It's supposed to be green. FESTER: I am sick. Don't worry, old boy.
We'll pull you through. Just think about
how nice it's going to be
tomorrow this time. That's the only thing
that's keeping me going. Hoping little Wednesday
gets some nice black widows. Most unusual. Most unusual. Well, I-I'm afraid
I'll have to ask you to take one arm out of your coat
for this test. Never! But... No! Very well.
I'll try it over your sleeve. Most unusual. I daresay I'll have a paper
for the medical journal
from this one. Interesting patient,
isn't he, Doctor? Unbelievable. (WHISPERS) He does have some
unusual methods, doesn't he? Yes, indeed. I, I wish he'd shake
his rattles or
yell a few times as Dr. Mbogo does. Makes you feel like
he's accomplishing something. Will you open the front
of your coat, please? Of course not.
Not in front of Morticia. I'll look the other way,
Uncle Fester. Very well. (BEEPING) What is it, Doctor?
Don't spare us. What do you think? I think I'd better forget
the medical journal. Contact<i> Believe It or Not.</i> I'd better take
your temperature. GOMEZ: I took his pulse
just before you got here. And? Well, either my watch
has stopped or he's been
dead for 20 minutes. He exaggerates so. I'm not so sure. Three below zero? By Jove, he's broken
the family record. No wonder I felt
a little bit chilly. I'd better close the windows. No, no, no,
that--that can't be right. I'd better take
another reading. (CRUNCHING) Hmm, it's very tasty. What have you done? I was so hungry... (GLASS SMASHING) Poor dear hasn't
touched a thing all day. Even when he does eat
he can't resist those
between-meal snacks. May I use your phone? I'll have to alert
the emergency hospital. Hey, Doc, you got
another one of those things? Really hits the spot. The thermometer? Do you realize
you've swallowed almost
a full ounce of mercury? Well,
it's a real picker-upper. Now he's beginning to look
like his old self again. He is? Dr. Milford, you're a genius,
an absolute genius. I am? I could kiss you. Please. That was a real medical coup. Pure mercury with... Well, some of
medical science's greatest discoveries have
come about by accident. Accident.
Isn't he the modest one? Yes. Doctor, before you go,
we have one other patient we'd like for you to look at. Thing hasn't been
feeling well at all lately. Thing? Yes. I'm all out of thermometers. Oh, you won't need
a thermometer for Thing.
This way. Thing, we have
a surprise for you. Dr. Milford has
cured Uncle Fester and now he wants to
have a look at you. What's the matter with him? Maybe he caught what you had. Nonsense. He probably just remembered
an appointment he has. Well, he won't be
able to do much without
his little black bag. (MUNCHING) Hey, these are tasty. You know,
calling a family doctor is like having
your own delicatessen. I suppose that lets out
Dr. Mbogo. It certainly does. Unless it's something
really serious. (PLAYING HARPSICHORD) Darling, isn't it wonderful
that Thing wasn't really sick? Just depressed over our having
to cancel our outing. Quite so,<i> cara mia.</i> Thing always has
the family's interests
at heart. Back to your usual
jolly yourself again,
eh, Thing? Ah, looks like you're planning
something special for us,
Uncle Fester. This will be the greatest
family outing we've ever had. Watch. (BUZZING) Bravo! Bravo, Uncle Fester. You've really
outdone yourself this time. From now on, Uncle Fester,
no more Christmas trees. We'll hang everything on you.
