<i> (FINGERS SNAPPING
RHYTHMICALLY)</i> (GRUNTING) Here you are, darling. Thank you, my dear. GOMEZ: Pull! Excellent, my dear. Let's see if you can
do this for me, though. Okay. My dear. Pull! <i> Ole, ole.</i> I give up,<i> querida mia.</i> I simply haven't
the dexterity to squeeze off
shots like that. Now isn't this better
than shooting apples off
of Lurch's head? Oh, much safer
and less expensive. These poor
steel-tipped arrows haven't a chance
against Lurch's head. Incidentally, darling,
does Lurch seem
troubled to you? I spoke to him
a few moments ago
and he didn't even answer me. Didn't act like he heard me. Do you suppose he's ill? I don't know. He's been terribly depressed
ever since he got that letter from his mother this morning. Not himself at all. How could you tell? He smiled. Something has
given him a bad turn. We should find him
and get to the root of it. (GROANING) More. More. Oh, gosh, Lurch,
give me a turn. You've been
having all the fun. Oh, Lurch, you're relaxing.
That's a relief. We were worried about you. He says the rack
is the only thing that helps him
forget his troubles. Well, it'll do it every time, but you do have a problem,
eh, old man? (GROANING) Oh, now, it's not that bad. Come on,
we'll get you off the rack
and we'll talk about it. Mama, Uncle Fester's fixing
a tasty new dish. Why don't you run along,
maybe he'll share it with you. I could stand a snack. Selfish! Come on, old man. Speak up. Now, Lurch,
does it have anything
to do with the letter you received from
your mother this morning? Why, I should think
you'd be pleased that
she's going to visit. We'd love to have
her stay with us. We could put her up
in that nice attic room. No. No? I fibbed. To your mama? Oh, well, Mr. Addams
and I understand. We understand about
those little white lies that a roaming son
writes his mother. (GROANING) Lurch, that picture
of the house that you sent
to your mother, you told her it was
your house, right? Well, we always think of you
as one of the family, Lurch. A servant. A very good servant. I'm a liar. And a very good liar. Gomez! Oh, sorry,
I got carried away. Now don't you
fret about a thing. We'll put our heads
together and see what
we can do to help you. We'll call
a family conference. Maybe Uncle Fester
can think of something. He has a good head
on his shoulders. Too bad Cousin Slimy
isn't around. He has two of them. I say let's mine
the front porch. I can wire it so it'll blow up
when she pushes the doorbell. That always discourages
those magazine salesmen. Not bad, Fester,
but why not just
wire the doorbell with a few thousand volts? No need to damage the porch. No, no, darling,
that wouldn't be kind. You let her get
all the way to the door and then
disappoint her like that. Why not have Lurch play dead? Good thinking. You think Lurch
could be convincing? He looks so alive. It was a very
sweet thought, darling,
but that's true. Lurch is so vivacious. His most outstanding
characteristic. I have it. If Mrs. Lurch thinks
that Lurch is a very
important, big man and owns this house
and everything, why don't we just let her
continue to think so? <i> Querida mia.</i> Leave it to you,
with your feminine intuition, to come up with
the correct answer. Darling. Tish, when you pat my cheek
it drives me wild. You Castilians are so fiery. Yes, Cousin Manuelo
was a pyromaniac. Darling, later, later. Let's concentrate on Lurch. Oh, yes. Now... Forgive me. ...for the few days
that Mrs. Lurch is here, we'll let her think
that Lurch is the head
of the household, and we'll be the servants. Marvelous. Do you think I'd make
a convincing butler? Darling, I couldn't
imagine a subtler butler. You'll completely
captivate Mrs. Lurch
with your savoir-faire. Tish, when you speak French,
you know how it affects me. Later,<i> mon cher,</i>
later, not now. We have to get
this thing settled. Now, I'll be the maid
and Mama will be the cook. I will not! Mama. My schoolgirl complexion
may have graduated, but I'm not gonna get
dish-pan hands for anyone. I'll stay in the cottage
till that woman leaves. Excellent idea, Mama,
and you can take
the children with you. Oh, that's a very
good idea, dear. Now, Uncle Fester, you can be the gardener. Forget it. But, Uncle Fester,
wouldn't you like to potter around
in the back yard, maybe plant some crabgrass
or stickweed? I like the back yard
just the way it is. Bare. I'm gonna move out
in the cottage
with the others. Well, I guess it'll just
have to be the two of us. Darling, we can do it. Let's go tell Lurch
and rehearse our roles. There you are, madam. Are you ready for
your soup now, sir? Ah,<i> Cara bella!</i> Oh, Morticia,
you're enchanting. Thank you, kind sir. Oh, darling,
you make a superb butler. It gives full play
to your courtly
Castilian manner. Oh, Tish,
you ravishing creature. Darling, now,
remember our new positions. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Is Lurch ready
for his first lesson? Yes,
he's in the living room now. Now, remember, darling,
one ring is for you,
two rings for me. (GONG RESOUNDING) Yeah. That's me. You rang? You rang? No, no, Lurch. You rang. Oh, no, sir. You rang for me
because I'm your butler. And I'm not "sir," I'm Gomez. Now sit down. Yes, sir. G-Gomez. Perhaps this will help. A cigar gives a man
that masterful feeling. Have you ever smoked? (GROANING) You got a couple of
bad leaks there, old man. You better forget the cigars. It's no use. You can do it, Lurch.
Just concentrate. Think big. Think important. Think that you are
master of all you survey. Think. That's it.
Splendid, Lurch.
You got it. Now ring for the maid
and demand your breakfast. (GONGING) You rang? Telephone, Gomez. Yes, sir. I'll get it, sir. Please, Lurch.
I answer the phone. (GROANING) Your evening paper, sir. No, no, Lurch,
not the funnies. The financial page. Wealthy men always turn
to the financial page first. I like the funnies. Very good, Lurch. You actually
sounded masterful then. Now, as far as
pinching the maid... (GROANING) Perhaps that would be
carrying it a bit too far. But I don't want your mother
to become suspicious. Perhaps you'd better
just make eyes at me instead. (GROANING) Try it, Lurch. Lurch,
as mistress of this house, I'm ordering you
to make eyes at me. Perhaps you'd better just
try a devilish smile. Forget it, Lurch.
I'm just not your type. (GROANING) Your Cognac, sir. I never drink. Nonsense. Gentlemen of quality always
have a brandy after dinner. It's a sign of
sophistication and culture. (GULPS) (COUGHING) Well, he just
flunked sophistication. Morticia. Darling, what do you think? Cousin Imar asked me
to sew in his college seal. Princeton. Beautiful. Morticia, we've done it. Lurch just ordered me
to shine his shoes. That's wonderful. He even reprimanded me
this morning. He said his toast
wasn't black enough. He's completely brainwashed. (FOGHORN SOUNDING) The doorbell.
That may be his mama now. It's Mama. All right. Now you let me
open the door properly,
Lurch. You greet her right here. How do you do? Where's my boy? Oh, there you are! Sonny. Mama. (GONG RESOUNDING) There she goes again.
That's me. (GONG RESOUNDING) Two rings. That's me. (GONG RESOUNDING) Three blasts.
It's an all-out command
performance this time. Let's wait till she
makes up her mind. (GONG RESOUNDING) Sonny, I don't know
how you put up with
such miserable servants. They're never around
when you want them. She really is
a little cyclone. Not at all what I expected
Lurch's mother to be like. I haven't sat down
since she got here. (GROANING) What is it, darling? I'm all kinked up
from last night,
sleeping on the divan. Oh. I miss our nice, big bed. Well, I suppose
she was right in saying that Lurch should have
the master bedroom. After all, she does think
he's the master of the house. Well, at least you slept
on Lurch's bed in the attic. She's really quite insensitive
for such a dear little thing. Do you know she hates
Pugsley's octopus? Anyone who'd hate
an octopus is warped. She even tried to
feed it to Cleopatra. That's inhuman. I rescued them just in time. (GONG RESOUNDING) Let's call off this
whole mad charade. Oh, darling,
please be patient. It's only for
a few more days. You'd better go to her now before she rings
the house down. Oh, Tish,
when you help me with my coat
it goes right through me. It's impossible. What's impossible? That blondes have more fun. (GONG RESOUNDING) You rang? I don't trust you, Gomez,
you've got shifty eyes and no good butler
wears a moustache. Sorry, madam,
I was born with it. Where have you been off to? Some dark corner
with that hussy of a maid? Sir, I appeal to you. You don't appeal to him
and you don't appeal to me. My son is just
too sweet and gentle. People take advantage of him. You're sloppy
and inefficient. Sir, please tell her. You're sloppy
and inefficient. Yes, sir.
I'll try to do better, sir. (YELLING) What kind of
monstrosity is that? That's Thing, madam. Well, well,
set a trap for it. Get it back in that box,
nail the lid down. Yes, madam. Well, snap to it.
You're living on
borrowed time around here. Mama's going to stay
until she gets things straightened out
around this place. Big, important men
like her sonny
are much too busy to be bothered
running a household. Yes, Mama. (SCRAPING) Thing, I'm sorry I had to
nail up your favorite box, but you don't realize
the spot we're in. Try to stay... Try to stay
undercover for the next
couple of days, please. Gomez, darling,
I'm afraid we've made
a terrible mistake. Instead of pleasing
Lurch's mother all we're doing is
making her miserable. Perhaps,
but Lurch certainly is happy. Do you know
he's really beginning to believe that
he owns this house? And that we're his servants? Just hold out for
a couple of more days and everything will be
back to normal. Darling,
you're so noble and generous. That's true. But, you're every bit
as magnanimous,<i> querida mia.</i> A-ha! Caught in the act! Madam, allow us to explain. No need.
I can see the plot now. You intend to wheedle
Sonny into marriage. Then you'll do away
with him and marry
this shameless witch. Then you'll both
split his fortune. Nonsense. Gomez wouldn't harm a fly. I've read a lot of
detective stories and the butler is
always the one who does it. Well, you can
forget it all now. I'm wise to both of you. You know,
the way things are going,
her idea isn't bad. Those people got to go. I won't leave this house
till I see you safely set up
with decent help. Maybe a raise. A raise? They want all your money. They seemed so nice. Yeah, well, you just
call them in and give them
their walking papers. (GROANING) Just call them in
and tell them they're fired. Now! Quick! Git! Yes, Mama. (GONG RESOUNDING) You rang, sir? You're fired. You mean you're
dismissing us? You're fired.
Now pack your things and git! Isn't it customary
to give two-weeks' notice? Not to cutthroats and thieves.
On your way! Scoot! Lurch, do something. (BONES SNAPPING) No, no, I mean,
say something. Good luck. We'll pack our bags at once. And leave the silverware. (GRUNTING) Good riddance. And now I'll phone
the Employment Agency, and get two good replacements
right away. Yes, Mama. Why doesn't
that woman go home? I don't like living out here.
It's too crowded. Maybe Morticia's
man-eating plant
will get her. You're a dreamer. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) I'll get it. Well, here we are. One big happy family again. Did she leave? We did. We've been fired. We'll just have to
move in here with you
until she goes home. But that's ridiculous.
How can you get fired
from your own home? That's an interesting
question. We can't all live in here.
It's too crowded now, and--and that old
spitfire will probably
stay on for ages. I won't give up my bed. I just got the nails
nicely broken in. We really ought to
buy another house. Just for emergencies
like this. I said this whole idea
was crazy. You're both as
soft as jellyfish. Coddling a butler. Oh, Uncle Fester,
you should see
how happy Lurch is. Well, he should see
how miserable we are. I'm going right
up to the house and straighten
this whole mess out. And I'll go with you. It takes a woman
to handle a woman. Oh, please, Mama. Please don't do
anything to spoil it now
that it's almost over. Oh, don't worry.
She doesn't know us. We'll tell her we're
the next-door neighbors. Yeah, we'll tell them
what wonderful
servants you are, that we've had
our eye on you for years. Yeah, that's a great idea. And, and that
we want you so much that, that she'll wanna
hire you right back. Gomez, do you really think
she'll take us back? If she does I'm gonna
ask for a raise. (FOGHORN SOUNDING) Well, you're very prompt. Well, now look, Mrs. Lurch... Well, please, come right in. You can start at once. You don't seem to understand. Of course I understand. You're the new butler
and you're the new maid, and I must say
you're just perfect. Oh, well,
that's very kind of you... Oh, a real butler. Such polish, such poise,
such a continental manner. I trust you completely. Oh, well,
that's very generous,
you see, but... What's the salary? Anything you ask. Price is no object
when you demand quality. I'll take it. Just a minute. Now, look,
you do what you wanna do, but I'm back in
a decent house and I'm getting paid for it. I do hope you'll stay, too. You're exactly
the kind of maid
my son needs. A mature, sensible woman
who won't be making
eyes at him like the last one did. Well, maybe I'll try it. I haven't had
a regular income
for a long time. Wonderful! Now I can go back home. I know my son
is in good hands. Well, goodbye, Sonny. Goodbye, Mama. Dear Lurch,
you were just marvelous. I'm sure you mother
is very proud of you. Nice work, old man,
you brought it off splendidly. Where are you two going? It's all over now.
We're going back
into the house. I'm sorry. Your positions
have been filled. (PLAYING HARPSICHORD) Lurch, please stop playing. But I love music. Lurch, we're waiting for you
to serve dinner. Me? Serve dinner? Oh, Lurch,
I thought we had you
completely unbrainwashed. Let's try it again. (GONG RESOUNDING) You rang? You rang? Now I'm doing it again. That was very good, Lurch. Almost like your old self. Thank you, Mrs. Addams. Now would you please
serve dinner? Oh, the poor dear. This has been a very
harrowing experience for him but I do think
he's his old self again. Shall we go into dinner,<i>
cara bella?</i> Yes, darling. Lurch. You're fired.
