<i> ♪ The Addams family ♪</i> Darling, do you think
you did the right thing by joining that
Zen-Yogi society? Obviously. Nothing more important
than physical culture. True. Ever see anything
more restful on the feet? No, I can't say that I have. Does your head
feel good, dear? Darling,
you can't have everything. That's true.
I never thought of that. I wish you'd get
Uncle Fester to join up. He wouldn't even listen. Something's come
over him lately. He's been acting sly,
secretive. Dear Uncle Fester. He just improves with age. Oh. How do you like this? Oh, yes. But I'm not sure
about the neck. Oh? Too low? Too wide. For Cousin Eustace? I take it back. (GROWLING) Ah, 2:00. The afternoon
paper should be in. I'll get it. Alley-oop! Oop! Don't be long. I won't. I'll wait for you
in the conservatory. Morticia. Time has stood still for you,<i>
angelito mio.</i> You look even lovelier
than the day I first laid
eyes on you. <i> Bubele.</i> That word. I'd better go. (BLOWS WHISTLE) (GONG RESOUNDING) You rang? Lurch,
did you pick up the paper? No, sir. Someone's been
stealing it the past four or five days.
Any idea who it is? Fine loyalty. (THING KNOCKING) (TAPPING IN MORSE CODE) Uncle Fester. Thank you, Thing. If it weren't for you,
this place would be
a madhouse. Is mother's baby hungry, hmm? (SLURPING) (SLURPING) (GULPS)
Yeah. There. (CHIRRUPING) Morticia. Oh, Gomez. The most touching
thing has happened. Your carnivorous plant
put its tentacle
around you again. Tish, I think you've been
feeding them altogether
too much hamburger. No, no, no, sweetheart. It's the trailing arbutus
and the creeping
midnight crawler. They're embracing. Isn't that sweet? They fell in love
and intertwined. But the creeper
went to the left and the arbutus
went to the right and they choked each other. What a way to go. Morticia, I must tell you,
Uncle Fester is not himself. Oh, is that bad? Maybe not. But he has been interfering
with the children's
upbringing lately. Against my express wishes
he promised little Pugsley
a Gila monster. Darling, it's healthy
for children to have pets. Gila monsters? Why not? They're so expensive. Dear Uncle Fester.
Generous to a fault. (WEDNESDAY WHOOPING) WEDNESDAY: Mommy, Daddy,
come look, come look. Look what Uncle Fester got me. He had it made
especially for me. A black widow spider village. Isn't that lovely? Just like a society
of small humans. Yeah,
they do nothing but fight. That's life. But is this anything
for our child? Of course not. She already has
many more spiders
than she'll ever need. Have fun, dear. Still think we should
talk to Uncle Fester. Maybe, but gently. The last time we scolded him, he went into his closet
and didn't come out for weeks. It was an act, my dear.
He loves his closet. Interesting, yes. Very interesting. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Come in. Was that you talking
to yourself, Uncle Fester? You've been doing that
quite a bit lately. Well, only when I'm alone. Uncle Fester... I, I know what
you're going to say. I've been
spoiling the children. I guess I like
to feel wanted. But you are wanted. And needed. Needed? You wouldn't even let me
fix that leak in the roof. And my finger
fit it perfectly. Uncle Fester, I told you,
that's my favorite leak. And what about you? There was a time
you'd never think of using your electric shaver
without connecting it to me. Well, Gomez felt
you've been a bit
run-down lately. Run-down? (BUZZING) And I can still
make it blink, too. (BUZZING) You call that run-down? Well, the truth is,
Uncle Fester, uh, my new shaver is AC
and you're DC. Excuses, excuses. I'm sorry. Well, you don't have to be. I've been scanning
the lonely hearts column. You haven't. You sly old fox, you. Well, under the circumstances,
I, I thought I'd take a bride. Uncle Fester,
you just can't take one. You're supposed
to find your own. It's the sporting way,
old boy. You'll be fighting
the women off with clubs. Clubs? Yeah. I think I'd like that. Well, I better get on
with the letter. Oh, Gomez. This morning when I woke up
and the sky was
all dark and cloudy, I knew right then and there
that this was going to be
a lovely day. But I can truthfully say
I have never let breeding,
social position, or looks go to my head. And I'm looking forward
to meeting someone
of the opposite sex with these same qualities. Signed, Modesty. Got it? Excellent. You have a very
delicate handwriting. Thank you, Thing. Uncle Fester,
we have a surprise for you. A surprise? For me?
I know I'm gonna cry. Close your eyes. All right, Gomez. I just know I'm gonna cry. You can open them now. Oh. We saved it from our wedding. It's beautiful. And you made such
a handsome couple. I do hope my bride
will be worthy of all this. I better mail this... Do you think I ought to
send a snapshot along? I believe so. How about that
nice one the city took? The time you fell asleep
on the park bench and they carried you off
to the morgue by mistake. Oh, no, no, no.
I was thin then
and I had hair. I do look better now, don't I? Much. I'll have a new one taken. Yes. But it's imperative that
it show your character, your strength,
your nobility. We'll have it touched up. That won't be necessary. I'll take the picture. Ready? No, no, Uncle Fester.
You're smiling. Oh, pardon me. Just show the natural
Addams charm. Gotcha. Much better. Much.
Now, now for the character. Beautiful. Now let's see that strength. Magnificent. Now the piece de resistance,
your nobility. Breathtaking. Oh, hurry, Gomez,
get it before he loses it. All right. Hold it, hold it now.
Hold it! Ready? Perfect! I wonder what
Uncle Fester's bride
will be like. He once went with a girl
who looked like a walrus. Darling,
beauty isn't everything. You're right. He's talking about moving
after the wedding. He's found a home
in a nice condemned section. I wonder what their
children will be like. Doesn't matter
about the boys, but I hope the girls
look like Uncle Fester. I do wish Grandpa Squint
and Aunt Vendetta
were still alive. They'd get such a thrill
out of the wedding. Darling, they are alive. They are? They don't look it. I'd better check. You'd better. How do you like it? Like what, old boy? Can't you tell? Ah, a new collar. Certainly not. How can you improve
on genuine matched gopher? You're parting
your hair just... No, that can't be it. Come on,
take a real close look. I've got it.
You've had your head waxed. Yes. Oh, you men. You're much
fussier than women. It's hard coat.
Won't crack, scuff or stain. It's very becoming. I thought you'd like it. Oh, has the mail come in yet? Now, now,
control yourself, old boy. You know the mail
doesn't come along
until later. I just can't help it. I'm a lovelorn swain
wandering around
in a lovely black cloud. Oh darling,
you can't expect an answer
to your letter yet. You only mailed it yesterday. Oh, you never know. There may be
someone out there
as eager as I am. Dear Uncle Fester. I haven't seen him
this happy since he blew up
the guesthouse. Mother, Mother. (BRUNO GROWLING) Oh, hush, Bruno. You've been so grumpy lately. I wish you wouldn't shout so. Your father's
trying to take a nap. Oh, that's all right,
I just can't seem
to sleep anyway. Guess I'm excited about
Uncle Fester's wedding. I wanted to show you
the present I have for him. You like it? But, darling,
I don't see anything. You're not supposed to. Uncle Fester says
it's the thought that counts. I'm thinking of
a nice friendly cobra. Isn't that clever? If we put our minds to it,
we can save a fortune. (THING KNOCKING) Yes, Thing? Why, thank you.
For Uncle Fester? What is it? Come on, now.
You can tell me. I won't tell anyone. (TAPPING IN MORSE CODE) A shrunken head. Just what he wanted. I do hope
your brother Pugsley hasn't forgotten
his dear uncle. He is going to buy something. He's upstairs
getting the money out
of his piggybank now. Oh? (CLATTERING) Phew! (ALARM SOUNDING) The mail's in. Uncle Fester,
you must give it time. It's only been one day. I was sure I'd get
an immediate response. I gave a very full
description of myself. Patience. Your Miss Right
will come along. Hello. Well, hello there.
Is your mother home? Are you from
the Health Department? Why? The neighbors complained
about Aristotle getting loose. Aristotle,
what an odd name for a dog. Not for a octopus. No, not for an octopus. Well, I'm not here
about anything like that. I sell cosmetics
and toiletries. Oh, well,
then my mom is at home. Her name is Mrs. Addams. Thank you. Say, maybe you could
help me make a sale. What kind of powder
does your mommy use? Baking powder. I mean on her face. Baking powder. And Uncle Fester uses
a spray-on preservative. Uh, no, you mean
a spray-on deodorant. No, preservative. Oh, to keep young? Just to keep. Well, thank you very much. You've been very helpful. (FOGHORN SOUNDING) She's here. She didn't even
bother to write. She just packed a bag
and came in person. Oh, this is terrible. She's not my type at all. Uncle Fester, I agree
she doesn't have your looks, but maybe with a nice
stringy hairdo she'd be
almost presentable. Oh, no! That's not enough. But perhaps,
way down deep inside,
where it really counts, she's one of us. Oh, no, no.
There is no chemistry. She doesn't do
anything for me. Our life together
would be a mockery. Lurch. Don't go to the door. Maybe she'll go away. (FOGHORN SOUNDING) Someone at the door. Oh, darling,
it's Uncle Fester's
mail-order bride. Ugly duckling. Just doesn't pay
to order by mail. I better hide. No, you're not.
You're going to stay
right here and face her. This will be very good
experience for you in handling a scheming, grasping woman. How do you know
she's scheming
and grasping, Tish? She came over here with a bag,
ready to move right in. Trying to muscle in
on the competition. (FOGHORN SOUNDING) How do you do, Mrs. Addams?
I'm Miss Carver. Yes, won't you come in? Well, thank you, ma'am.
Thank you very much. You know, I'm not
always greeted so cordially
and invited in immediately. You do this often? Many times a day. Oh, you poor thing. You mustn't be discouraged. I always say
there's a right one
for everyone. Won't you come in? Looks like you're preparing
for some sort of a party. Every day is a party with us. Miss Carver,
this is my husband,
Mr. Addams. How do you do, Miss Carver?
Please sit down. Uh, thank you. And don't tell me,
that gentleman behind you
is Uncle Fester. I know from the description
I've received. You can't force me. Oh, I never use force. Just gentle persuasion. And sometimes in
difficult cases,
I merely give a free sample and leave the prospect
to think it over. Miss Carver! We don't countenance
such behavior in this house. Well, then, I'll be
happy to accept cash. I believe that we can
quickly convince you that your visit here
is quite hopeless. Oh, don't say that. Very difficult, yes,
but certainly not hopeless. Let me ask you
a few honest and straightforward questions,
Miss Carver, and you'll see what we mean. You've met Uncle Fester.
Do you really think you have
something to offer him? I should say. Why, I could make
a new man of him entirely. I have a 90-day plan
that works wonders. That's typical of a woman. You meet the ideal man
and right away you try
to make him over. Not make over. Just enhance and bring out
the basic attractiveness which you already have
in such abundance. Oh, you poor thing. You have it bad, haven't you? I beg your pardon. Well, you just
met Uncle Fester and already you're willing
to devote your life to him. I do have a lifetime plan, but I'm sure you'll see
a great improvement
in just 90 days. Would you excuse us
for a few minutes, please? A little family conference. Of course. Uncle Fester,
I think we may have judged
Miss Carver too hastily. I can't stand her. She's crazy about you,
old boy. Darling, you can
make her over a little. Get her a decent wardrobe. And after she's been out
of the sun for a few months she'll lose that
ghastly color. I've changed my mind.
I don't want to get married. I guess my standards
are just too high. Uncle Fester, you led her on. Now you go in
and be nice to her. She's probably
in an agony of doubt. Gomez. Well, have you decided
to let me give you
a demonstration? Oh, no,
I can't go through with it! Oh, come now. Let me show you
something exotic
for the boudoir. Don't you dare! Perhaps you ought to
let her, Fester. It might give you
a change of heart. Gomez! There's no harm. Go on, Fester,
let yourself go. Take her in your arms,
kiss her. Might not be so bad
if you keep your eyes closed. Mr. Addams! She's quite right. Young lovers should be alone. Young lovers? I'm getting out of here. (BRUNO GROWLING) Phew! Fester, I think
you've just been jilted. Consider yourself lucky,
Uncle Fester. She was a very vain woman. That case was full of nothing
but cosmetics. And no taste.
Not a bit of baking powder. Anything interesting
in the paper tonight, dear? Just a situation wanted ad
by that Miss Carver. I suppose she decided
against marriage. Some people
just don't have it. You were very lucky,
Uncle Fester. I sure was. This Zen-Yogi is much better
than marriage. Marvelous, isn't it? Yeah, and so economical. Economical? No shoes.
