Trump Turns Down COVID Vaccines & Ted Cruz Can’t Handle the Truth

[Music] there are many things i wish for this christmas season i wish for sex with young ukrainian women i wish the guy at the dildo store next to four seasons landscaping would honor my coupon i wish the president would pay me for my services so i could stop dying my hair with deck varnish but mostly i wish the sight of a crucifix didn't make my skin burst into flames from hollywood it's jimmy kimmel live tonight emily blunt kyle chandler and music from sturgill simpson and now jimmy kimmel oh hi there hi everyone i'm jimmy on those thanks for watching thanks for being guillermo thank you for um being on that stool uh you're welcome anytime how's it going it's going great everything's good fantastic anything interesting happen to you this afternoon uh no just you know i'm eating a few drinks [Laughter] uh did you see the big news today they announced the color of the year the and it's not trump faced tangerine that was last year's color pantone has announced their color of the year for 2021 and this time around there are two of them and the winners are drum roll please oh drummer's not here anymore um the colors of the year are ultimate gray and illuminating also known as yellow pantone says they chose this combo because it gives us resilience and hope i don't know all i think about when i see this is a soul cycle that i've never gone into but how could two colors be the color of the year i mean that's like saying the winner of the election is joe biden and donald trump oh people are saying that oh my well they should stop the um the coven vaccines will be available soon whether we want them or not and a lot of us it turns out do not according to a poll from the ap less than half of americans say they're planning to get the vaccine when it comes out only 47 percent of americans want it the other 53 percent want to stay home and sweat pants forever i guess but i don't know to me that's nuts i'll take that shot in my eyeball if it means i can go to dinner i really will but a lot of americans are saying they want to wait and see which is a strategy that will result in the unnecessary death of a lot of people if the majority of us don't get it it won't work as well this is great we america half of us are worried about putting this substance in our bodies because we don't know what's in it and yet we have no problem downing 16 ounces of something called monster energy assault yeah i'll have a swing of that see what happens if you are in the half of americans who do want the vaccine you still might not be able to get it we learned this week that over the summer the trump administration passed on the chance to lock in an additional 100 million doses of the pfizer vaccine they will now go to other countries and we are way behind the rest of the world when it comes to stock this is a chart of national vaccine supplies you can see by not pre-ordering enough vaccine dealmaker don put america way behind canada uk australia and all 27 countries in the eu and until we get the vaccine we just have to be careful which we are not even people who are being careful aren't being careful have you noticed this somehow i am literally the only person anyone i know has seen in months everyone is lying it's like when you ask your wife how many guys she had sex with or whatever the number is triple it it's when someone tells you when someone says my sister came over but just to drop something off uh that means my sister lives with us now if someone tells you oh we had a cocktail with a couple in our pod outdoors we were socially distant and masked it means eight people came over we kept our masks on for six minutes and then all got in the hot tub i will tell you i'm gonna say even i have been lying i get tested three times a week for whatever reason i always tell people it's four i don't know why i do it i i don't know why but i do so take everything with a grain of salt trust no one this is what they're doing in china the chinese aren't messing around anymore china is ordering cabin crews on certain flights to not use the bathroom on the flight they're them to wear diapers instead for real they're recommending that they wear diapers on any flight to a high-risk area or if you ate at sabaros at the airport before you talk to them but that's going to be that's going to be some cabin service yes sir i'll be right back with your diet coke just as soon as i finish soiling myself and it's not just china in america there's also a plane where a guy wears diapers it's called air force one maybe you've heard of it we are now on day 37 of squattergate yelvis has not left the building there's been no concession and our dearness leader is now losing one of his most powerful weapons youtube is going to start taking down videos that claim the election was a fraud so now if people want to post conspiracy theories i guess they'll have to dance them out on tick-tock i don't know but of course many republicans are angry about this senator josh hawley of missouri lambasted youtube's decision he called it an affront on free speech although it was hard to understand what he's saying because he's eating tide pods at the time but i have to say i'm a little miffed about this too i mean if i can't post low quality videos from my basement claiming a secret cabal of lizard people run by george soros stole the election why do we even call this a free country anymore the caps are locked and loaded this morning the president wrote wisdom and courage which i think means he's about to go visit the wizard of oz but trump is still president which means that mike pence is still vice president and has 41 more days of kissing ass president donald trump deserves his day in court the supreme court oh that court why does he deliver every line like he's doing a personal injury attorney commercial [Laughter] [Applause] attorneys for donald trump are now a combined one for 56 in court trump's team has so many losses they're thinking about calling themselves the new york jets from now on [Applause] again again we miss the drummer but the president says his latest case uh the one that may be headed to the supreme court this is the big one basically texas and 17 other states that also happen to be republican letter trying to get the supreme court to throw out the results in wisconsin georgia michigan and pennsylvania for states trump loss they want the court to block certification in those states which would push biden below 270 delegates and kick the election to congress where republicans could hand it to trump in other words 17 red states are suing to overturn the election in other states not even their own states this is like if you complain about the food in a restaurant that is 900 miles away and if by some chance the case actually does make it to the highest court in the land trump has asked senator ted cruz to argue it on his behalf good luck i don't think even tom cruise could win this case ted cruz can't handle the truth this is a last-ditch embarrassing and genuinely despicable attempt to uh go and make an end run around democracy and while i disagree with ted cruz on pretty much everything to his credit he was forthcoming on the subject of his future client donald trump i'm going to tell you what i really think of donald trump this man is a pathological liar he doesn't know the difference between truth and lies he lies practically every word that comes out of his mouth and in a pattern that i think is straight out of a psychology textbook his response is to accuse everybody else of lying oh wait i'm being told that was before his spine removal surgery that was 2016. that was when trump was dishonest now donald trump is honest for as much money as he takes from the nra you think ted cruz would have some idea of how to stick to his guns but he doesn't trump of course famously called ted cruz's wife ugly suggested his father had something to do with the assassination of jfk may have even questioned the integrity held by ted himself i've met people that are much tougher than ted cruz but i've never ever met anybody that lied like him this guy lies so much lion ted cruz he walks in bible held high puts it down goes over here and he starts lying more than any human being i've ever seen in my life lion tans lie in town one of the the biggest liars i've ever seen in my life lion lion lion ted lion ken boom you have to spell it right it's l y i n apostrophe lyington yes and he will be representing me in front of the supreme court a lot of people are wondering why ted cruz would even do this i have a theory i think ted cruz is going to go to the supreme court and pull a full nicole kidman in the undoing on him you haven't seen it yet i will say no more but here's the real story ted cruz still wants to be president he hasn't given that dream up his plan is to present himself as a a scholarly friend of donald trump and then when he runs again in 2024 trump will be in prison and if they let trump have a phone he'll be tweeting his big orange ass off trying to get ted elected because he'll think ted cruz is going to wave his magic president wand and let him out but then in 2028 trump will run against ted cruz and call him a lying little again and we'll go all through this whole it's tough for the trumpers to accept the results of this election uh they were promised you know trump said you're going to get tired of winning and instead we're all tired of whining but so when the legal fight doesn't pan out like they hope it will i know that every one of trump's most die-hard supporters will be clamoring for one of these hello i'm mike lindell inventor of my pillow thanks to your support my pillows become the greatest pillow in history just ask the greatest pillow-loving president in history donald j trump mike lindell of my pillow boy do you sell those pillows what a guy and now i've invented a revolutionary new pillow designed to get us through the next four years my pillow slumber sack a bigly body sized pillow made right here in my home state of minnesota here's how it works simply unzip the side seam and climb into the hollow chamber in the center you will be cushioned on all sides by cool breathable filling every my pillow slumber sack comes infused with the powerful sedative propofol time released to keep you blissfully ignorant for the entirety of the phony joe lydon presidency wake up trump stillskin and get in line to vote for the donald in 2024 are you kidding me order the my pillow slumber sack for three easy payments of just 19.95 call now and get a super absorbent mega diaper absolutely free take it from a guy who used to smoke crack and climb on into a slumber sock looks comfortable i would like to wish a uh happy first night of hanukkah to those of you who are celebrating tonight happy hanukkah guillermo oh thank you very much um we have a secret with guillermo right now that uh hanukkah uh do you know what hanukkah is guillermo uh yeah it's uh what is it uh jewish holiday right and they like you know what they like uh uh a candle or uh whatever they do i don't know how to call it but it's like this guillermo smoked a joint in the parking lot this afternoon to celebrate hanukkah yeah i did yes will this be going on for seven more nights no just tonight okay all right i thought you were supposed to be protecting me here no no that wasn't my brain oh that was on your break oh all right it was on his break oh that guy was um anyway um hanukkah doesn't get the attention that christmas does none of the jewish holidays do really so we thought it might be fun to play a game tonight to shine a menorah on them and it's time to play jewish holiday or prescription medication that's right let's meet our contestant tonight uh hello there what is your name lori laura oh i see it right there on your shirt and where are you from lori san francisco are you being safe lori am i being safe yeah i believe i am okay very good are you jewish i could be [Laughter] well uh no sorry about the noise i vetch a lot so i could be you vetch all right we're going to get you a k and you can add it there and all right uh well the way this game works is this i will read a word you will tell me if it's a jewish holiday or a prescription medication okay oh damn get a right you win a prize and if you don't you vetch okay i will bet here we go uh i've been practicing these pronunciations so bear with me uh tu bishvat two bishvat jewish holiday or prescription medication um i wanna say it's probably a jewish house that is correct laurie yes you've got one one candle on akinra anakinra yes oh my god um hold on a minute that's either i would say it's probably a medication it is correct a medication on a camera we may have to wear masks for reasons other than covet 19. in volcano that's a jewish holiday no that is a drug i'm sorry yes it's used to treat type 2 diabetes next one sukhoth sukkot yes ooh i want to say that's a medication that is a holiday oh no the autumn harvest uh wow simcatora wow well that sounds to me like a jewish holiday that is right yes humira humira no that's a drug that's a drug yes purim i want to say that's a jewish holiday that is right [Music] shavuot that doesn't sound like a drug i want to say it's a jewish house yes it is tarka tarka tarka yes well that sounds like a drug that is a drug that is correct tish above not kish kebab but tissue no no not kish kebab whatever that is no oh um a jewish holiday oh you got it lori congratulations all right thanks lori we're gonna send you home with a delicious box of percocet and matzo ball soup enjoy all right hi i'm jimmy kimmel an evil wizard has trapped me inside this youtube video click subscribe to help me escape

Channel: Jimmy Kimmel Live

Views: 2,197,776

Keywords: jimmy, jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, comedian, mean tweets, Pandemic, Coronavirus, COVID-19, Social Distancing, Quarantine, Monologue, Trump, Donald Trump, POTUS, 2020 election, Squatergate, Rudy Giuliani, Trump Tweets, Ted Cruz, China Airlines, YouTube, Christmas, Mike Pence, Supreme Court, MyPillow, Mike Lendell, Hanukkah

Id: 5OLzeCVCuTI

Length: 16min 3sec (963 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 10 2020

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