WELCOME! WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE
SHOW." I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FOLKS -- FIVE WEEKS? FIVE WEEKS TONIGHT. TONIGHT MARKS FIVE WEEKS SINCE
THE START OF RUSSIA'S FAILED INVASION OF UKRAINE. REMEMBER, THE SO-CALLED MILITARY
EXPERTS NOT JUST HERE BUT AROUND THE WORLD ALL PREDICTED PUTIN'S
FORCES WOULD CONQUER KYIV IN LESS THAN THREE DAYS. THERE ARE A LOT OF REASONS IT'S
GOING SO TERRIBLY. THE RUSSIAN TROOPS, THEY HAVE NO
CLEAR PURPOSE. THE TROOPS ARE RUNNING OUT OF
FOOD. AND TURNS OUT THEY HAVE REALLY
BAD TECHNOLOGY. FOR INSTANCE, MOST MODERN
MILITARY RADIOS ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO INTERCEPT, MANY RUSSIANS
FORCES ARE COMMUNICATING ON UNENCRYPTED HIGH FREQUENCY
CHANNELS THAT ALLOW ANYONE WITH A HAM RADIO TO EAVESDROP, TO
WHICH RUSSIAN SOLDIERS SAID A RADIO MADE OF HAM? CAN I HAVE ONE? I'M SO HUNGRY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW, RUSSIA'S WALKIE-TALKIES ARE BEING BOMBARDED WITH HEAVY METAL
MUSIC FROM UKRAINIAN OPERATORS. NOT BAD, HEAVY METAL. BUT IF UKRAINE REALLY WANTS TO
MESS WITH RUSSIAN SOLDIERS, THEY SHOULD FLOOD THEIR
WALKIE-TALKIES WITH AN UNBEARABLY LONG PODCAST. IT'S BEEN TWO HOURS AND MARK
MERRIN IS STILL TALKING ABOUT HIS "SNL" AUDITION. WHAT THE HELL IS A MALE CHIMP? WHAT IS THIS MALE CHIMP? WTF? ( LAUGHTER )
VLADIMIR PUTIN MAY NOT BE AWARE OF HOW BAD HIS INVASION IS GOING
BUZZ INTELLIGENCE SUGGESTS HIS ADVISORS MISINFORMED HIM ON
UKRAINE. RUSSIA --
PUTIN'S CLEARLY A VICTIM OF HIS OWN PRORUSSIA.PROPAGANDA
HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THAT RUSSIA LOST ROCKY IV. OVER THERE IT'S AN 8-MINUTE FILM
CALLED, "IVAN DRAGO STRONG GOOD." REPORTEDLY, SENIOR RUSSIAN
OFFICIALS ARE WARY OF DELIVERING TRUTHFUL ASSESSMENTS -
POTENTIALLY AFRAID THAT THE MESSENGERS OF BAD NEWS WILL BE
HELD RESPONSILE FOR THE BATTLEFIELD FAILURES. OF COURSE THEY'RE AFRAID TO BE
HONEST. NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY TO A
PSYCHOTIC BOSS, YOU LOSE. HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU:
HEY, LOUIS, I'VE BEEN OFFERED THE ROLE OF RIGOLETTO AT THE
METROPOLITAN OPERA. DO YOU THINK I HAVE THE PIPES
FOR IT? NOW BEAR IN MIND, IF YOU SAY NO,
I WILL THROW YOU OFF THE BALCONY. BUT IF YOU SAY YES, AND I
EMBARRASS MYSELF, I WILL ALSO THROW YOU OFF THE BALCONY. SO WHAT SHOULD I DO? BE HONEST! >> I THINK YOU SHOULD ASK JON
WHEN HE GETS BACK. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: GOOD CHOICE. GOOD CHOICE. IT'S NOT JUST THE WAR. INTELLIGENCE ANALYSTS
ALSO SAY THAT PUTIN HAS AN INCOMPLETE UNDERSTANDING
ABOUT HOW DAMAGING WESTERN SANCTIONS HAVE BEEN ON THE
RUSSIAN ECONOMY. LET ME TRY TO EXPLAIN IT: VLAD,
IF YOU'RE PAYING WITH RUBLES, YOU CAN CROSS TOILET PAPER OFF
YOUR SHOPPING LIST. LIFE IS HARD ON EVERYDAY
RUSSIANS. PUTIN HAS CRACKED DOWN ON
INDEPENDENT AND SOCIAL MEDIA. FOR INSTANCE, RUSSIA HAS BLOCKED
INSTAGRAM. IT'S ONE THING TO TAKE AWAY FREE
SPEECH, GOVERN THROUGH FEAR, AND COLLAPSE YOUR NATION'S ECONOMY,
BUT NO BRUNCH 'GRAMS? THAT VIOLATES INTERNATIONAL LAW
AND THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES! THAT'S ROOTY TOOTY FRESH AND
SCREWY. FRESH AND POOTY? I DON'T KNOW. THIS HAS BEEN PARTICULARLY TOUGH
ON RUSSIAN INFLUENCERS, MANY OF WHOM
POSTED VIDEOS OF TEARFUL GOODBYES TO THEIR FANS. OF COURSE INFLUENCERS ARE UPSET. INFLUENCERS HAVE NO OTHER
MARKETABLE SKILLS. WHAT, ARE THEY GONNA GO
DOOR-TO-DOOR TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL BAD ABOUT NOT HAVING A THIGH
GAP? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE A THIGH GAP. DO I HAVE A THIGH GAP? ( LAUGHTER )
ONE GROUP OF RUSSIAN PROGRAMMERS HAS COME UP WITH A SOLUTION. THEY ARE RELEASING MELANCHOLY
VERSION OF INSTAGRAM. WELL, THEN THEY'RE GONNA GET
SUED, BECAUSE "A MELANCHOLY VERSION OF
INSTAGRAM" IS ALREADY THE SLOGAN FOR
LINKEDIN. ( LAUGHTER )
DON'T EMAIL ME. DON'T EMAIL ME. ( APPLAUSE )
THE NEW RUSSIAN APP IS CALLED 'GRUSTNOGRAM', OR IN ENGLISH
'SADGRAM." ( LAUGHTER )
FITS IN WITH OTHER GREAT RUSSIAN SOCIAL MEDIA SITES LIKE
"WHY THE LONG FACEBOOK?" AND "TIK TOK GOES THE CLOCK AS TIME
MARCHES FORWARD, A DIFFICULT BIRTH ASTRIDE OF A GRAVE." #
( LAUGHTER ) SOMETIMES SAD IS FUNNY. SPEAKING OF SAD, IT'S BEEN 4
DAYS SINCE WILL SMITH SHOCKED THE WORLD BY ASSAULTING CHRIS
ROCK ON THE OSCARS STAGE. BUT WE SHOULD'VE SEEN THIS
COMING. HE REPEATEDLY WARNED US
HE'S A BAD BOY FOR LIFE, BUT, NOW, THERE COULD BE
MAYBE POSSIBLY CONSEQUENCES. I'LL BRING YOU THE LATEST IN MY
HOPEFULLY-NOT-RECURRING SEGMENT "GETTIN' SLAPPY WIT IT"
( SLAP ) "GETTIN' SLAPPY WIT IT"
( SLAP ) N♪ (SINGING NAN ). A ♪
YESTERDAY, THE ACADEMY OF MOTIO PICTURE ARTS AND SCIENCES BEGAN
DISCIPLINARY PROCEEDINGS AGAINST WILL SMITH. BUT FIRST THEY PUT ON A MOUTH
GUARD AND A CUP, JUST IN CASE. AFTER A BOARD MEETING, THE OSCAR
BIG-WIGS RELEASED A STATEMENT SAYING SMITH HAD VIOLATED THEIR
CODE OF CONDUCT BY ENGAGING IN "INAPPROPRIATE PHYSICAL
CONTACT, ABUSIVE OR THREATENING BEHAVIOR, AND
COMPROMISING THE INTEGRITY OF THE ACADEMY." AND IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO
PRESERVE THE INTEGRITY OF THE ACADEMY. ( FAKE COUGH )
ROMAN POLANSKI... ROMAN -- ROMAN -- ROMAN POLA
POLANSKI. SORRY I JUST GOT A LITTLE
TICKLE IN MY ( FAKE COUGH )
KEVIN SPACEY... KEVIN SPACEY... IN MY THROAT. ( COUGH )
HARVEY WEINSTEIN. HARVEY, HARVEY -- WEINSTEIN. ( LAUGHTER )
THE SLAP CLAP-BACK STARTED AS SOON AS PALM HIT FACE. BECAUSE YESTERDAY, THE ACADEMY
REVEALED THAT SMITH WAS ASKED TO LEAVE THE SHOW BUT REFUSED TO DO
SO. WELL, THEY PROBABLY DIDN'T HAVE
THE RIGHT MAN ON THE JOB. UNCLE PHIL? "SO WHAT YOU THINK UNCLE PHIL?"
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE, PHIL. WOO! STRONG! ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, NOT EVERYONE AGREES WITH THE ACADEMY'S SIDE OF THE STORY. OTHER ATTENDEES CLAIM SOME
ACADEMY MEMBERS EXPRESSED THAT THEY WANTED SMITH REMOVED, BUT
NO FORMAL OR EXPLICIT ASK WAS EVER MADE, AND THAT ACTUALLY
A PRODUCER SAID THAT HE AND THE PRODUCTION "OFFICIALLY" WANTED
SMITH TO STAY FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE SHOW. BECAUSE THEY NEEDED HIM TO GET
HIS OSCAR IN PERSON! OTHERWISE, YOU GOTTA SEND UP
RITA MORENO TO SAY "WILL COULDN'T BE HERE. I'M HONORED TO SLAP CHRIS ROCK
ON HIS BEHALF." ( APPLAUSE )
( RIM SHOT ) WHATEVER REALLY HAPPENED THAT
NIGHT, AND IT'S NOT WHAT THE ACADEMY SAYS, THE ACADEMY
IS NOW READY TO DOLE OUT THE PAIN. ONE BOARD MEMBER SUMMED UP THEIR
THOUGHTS, SAYING "I THINK EVERYONE UNANIMOUSLY FEELS WHAT
HE DID WAS OUT OF CONTROL. PEOPLE WANT REAL CONSEQUENCE." OH, WOW, REAL CONSEQUENCES. WHICH MEANS THEY'RE GONNA MAKE
WILL SMITH WATCH A DOUBLE FEATURE OF "HITCH" AND "THE
LEGEND OF BAGGER VANCE." ( LAUGHTER )
I KNOW. I THINK THAT VIOLATES THE GENEVA
CONVENTION. ( LAUGHTER )
STAYING IN THE WORLD OF MEDIA, YOU KNOW I'M A COMPANY MAN. I LOVE CBS, OUR PARENT COMPANY
PARAMOUNT, AND ITS PARENT COMPANY... PROBABLY A DEFENSE
CONTRACTOR THAT MAKES BONER PILLS. THERE'S NO WAY OF KNOWING. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT I RECENTLY HEARD SOME OFFICE 'GOSS' THAT ROCKED MY SOCKS. AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL THE
'DEETS' IN MY FIRST-RUNNING SEGMENT, "CBS WATERCOOLER"
>> "WHO HERE'S WATCHIN' "S.W.A.T?"
>> STEPHEN: WE ALL ARE, GLUGGY. RECENTLY, MY NETWORK HAS GOTTEN
A LOT OF CRITICISM, MUCH OF IT FROM ITSELF, BECAUSE CBS NEWS
HAS HIRED THE EX-PRESIDENT'S FORMER CHIEF OF STAFF MICK
MULVANEY TO "PROVIDE POLITICAL ANALYSIS ACROSS THE
NETWORK'S BROADCASTS AND PLATFORMS." FOR MORE, WE GO TO THE LATE
SHOW'S OWN MEDIA ANALYST, STEPHEN COLBERT. STEPHEN, YOUR THOUGHTS? >> STEPHEN: WHAT THE ( BLEEP )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: WHAT THE ( BLEEP )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BACK TO YOU, STEVE. ( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: THANKS, STEPHEN. I FOR ONECAN'T WAIT TO HEAR
MULVANEY'S 1TRENCHANT AND OBJECTIVE POLITICAL ANALYSIS
CONSIDERING THAT BACK IN 2020, HE SUGGESTED THAT "CORONAVIRUS
WAS THE MEDIA HOAX OF THE DAY." AND AFTER HIS BOSS EXTORTED
ZELENSKYY FOR DIRT ON THE BIDENS, HE SAID, "GET OVER IT." AND JUST DAYS AFTER THE
ELECTION, HE ANNOUNCED: "IF HE LOSES, THE FORMER
PRESIDENT WILL CONCEDE GRACEFULLY," ADDING
"HE'LL FIGHT HARD TO MAKE SURE THE RESULTS ARE FAIR, AND IN THE
END, HE'LL ACCEPT THE RESULT WHATEVER IT IS." IS MULVANEY PSYCHIC? GET THIS MAN TO VEGAS!! HE'S NOSTRA-DUMB ASS! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SO, OBVIOUSLY, I'M JUST JOKING. BUT WHY WOULD THE TIFFANY
NETWORK'S VENERABLE NEWS DIVISION PUT THIS CRAVEN TOADY
TO A TYRANT ON THE PAYROLL? ACCORDING TO LEAKED AUDIO, ONE
EXEC SAID THEY WANTED "TO MAKE SURE THAT WE ARE
GETTING ACCESS TO BOTH SIDES OF THE AISLE IS A PRIORITY BECAUSE
WE KNOW THE REPUBLICANS ARE GOING TO TAKE OVER, MOST LIKELY,
IN THE MIDTERMS." THAT'S RIGHT. THEY'RE NOT JUST REPORTING THE
NEWS, THEY'RE PREDICTING IT NOW. AND REWORKING OUR PROGRAMMING IN
HOPES OF COZYING UP TO THE G.O.P.. SO GET READY FOR
OUR NEW SPRING LINE-UP: "YOUNG Q-SHAMAN,"
"BOB RESTRICTS THE REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS OF ABISHOLA," AND
" BLUE BLOODS." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'M SURE -- I'M SURE -- I'M SURE THIS HAS ALL BEEN TOUGH
ON MULVANEY. AND AS A COWORKER, I FEEL LIKE
IT'S MY DUTY TO MAKE SURE HE IS PORTRAYED FAIRLY ON THIS
NETWORK. SO JOINING US NOW, LIVE VIA
SATELLITE FROM WASHINGTON DC, PLEASE WELCOME CBS NEWS
CONTRIBUTOR, MICK MULVANEY. SEE YOU AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY! WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS JAMES MCAVOY. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I
CELEBRATE WOMEN'S HISTORY WITH A SPECIAL GUEST. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )
