ANOTHER EPISODE OF THE REAL WHITE HOUSE WIVES OF ORANGE PRESIDENT TODAY, AS I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING. THE NEWS STARTED EARLY THIS MORNING AND HAS NOT LET UP. WHAT AN ONSLAUGHT, TRYING TO KEEP UP WITH ALL THIS, I FELT LIKE THE FATTEST KID ON THE DODGE BALL COURT ALL DAY TODAY. LAST NIGHT I COMPARED THE PRESIDENT'S BEHAVIOR TO THE SOPRANOS. BUT TODAY IT SEEMS MORE LIKE SIX FEET UNDER, BECAUSE SOMEBODY FINALLY PULLED THE FIRE ALARM IN HELL. WE NOW KNOW THAT WHAT, WHAT DID THE WHISTLER BLOW AND WHEN DID HE BLOW IT? THE MUCH-ANTICIPATED COMPLAINT AGAINST THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN UNEARTHED. IF THIS ISN'T IT, NOTHING WILL BE. IT GRABS TRUMP BY THE McNUGGETS AND DOESN'T ASK FOR PERMISSION. THIS IS WHAT THE WHISTLE-BLOWER SENT TO THE ATTORNEY GENERAL. IN THE COURSE OF MY DUTIES, I HAVE RECEIVED INFORMATION FROM MULTIPLE U.S. GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS THAT THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS USING THE POWER OF HIS OFFICE TO SOLICIT HELP FROM A FOREIGN COUNTRY IN THE 2020 ELECTION, AMONG OTHER THINGS, TO INVESTIGATE ONE OF THE PRESIDENT'S MAIN PRESIDENTIAL RIVALS. THE PRESIDENT'S PERSONAL LAWYER, RUDY GIULIANI, IS A CENTRAL FIGURE. ATTORNEY GENERAL BARR APPEARS TO BE INVOLVED AS WELL. THAT'S NOT A WHISTLE. THAT'S AN AIR HORN, A WHEELBARROW FULL OF TROMBONES. AND NOT ONLY DID TRUMP TRY TO GET DIRT ON BIDEN. THE WHISTLE-BLOWER SAID WHITE HOUSE OFFICIALS WERE SO DISTURBED BY THE CALL THEY MOVED ALL RECORDS OF IT TO A TOP SECRET SERVER. THEY DID THAT THING WHERE YOU HIDE YOUR PORN IN A FOLDER LABELED DEDUCTIBLE RECEIPTS. THAT IS THE CONSPIRACY. YOU CAN HEAR HILLARY SCREAMING ALL THE WAY FROM THE WOODS OF CHAPPAQUA. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] SHE MUST BE EATING THIS UP. INITIALLY, THEY TRIED TO HIDE THE RECORDS NO THE WHITE HOUSE AIR DEVELOPMENTS, BUT MELANIA WAS ALREADY HIDING IN THEM. ANOTHER SUGGESTION IN THE REPORT WAS THAT THIS IS NOT THE ONLY TIME THAT THEY'VE BURIED RECORDS. OF COURSE IT'S NOT THE ONLY TIME. HE PROBABLY DOES THIS STUFF EVERY DAY. HE'LL PROBABLY DO IT AGAIN TOMORROW. IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU GET A SPEEDING TICKET. THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN THE ONLY TIME YOU SPEED. RIGHT NOW HE'S PROBABLY ON THE PHONE WITH BELGIUM, TRYING TO GET THE SECRET TO THEIR WAFFLES OR SOMETHING. AND THE BEST PART IS, HE RELEASED THE TRANSCRIPT. HE BASICALLY SCREWED HIMSELF. THIS IS THE CLOSEST DONALD TRUMP HAS EVER COME TO HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE HIS OWN AGE. THESE REPUBLICANS IN -- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] IN CONGRESS ARE SO AFRAID OF HIM, THEY'RE SO FEARFUL, MOST OF THEM READ THE TRANSCRIPT, AND THEY'RE LIKE, THERE'S NOTHING FISHY ABOUT THIS CALL AT ALL. THIS MORNING, JOSEPH McGUIRE, TRUMP'S ACTING DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE APPEARED BEFORE THE HOUSE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE TO TALK ABOUT THE COMPLAINT AND HOW IT WAS HANDLED. LAWMAKERS WANT TO KNOW WHY HE DIDN'T HAND THE COMPLAINT OVER TO CONGRESS RIGHT AWAY, WHICH IS STANDARD PROCEDURE FOR A WHISTLE-BLOWER. HE WAITED FIVE WEEKS TO TURN IT IN. HE WOULDN'T SAY WHETHER OR NOT HE AND THE PRESIDENT DISCUSSED THE COMPLAINT, BUT HE DID ADMIT TO CONSULTING WITH WHITE HOUSE LAWYERS WHEN HE GOT IT, WHICH MAKES SENSE. THE FIRST STEP FOR ANY CREDBLING INVESTIGATION IS TO HAND THE EVIDENCE TO THE PERSON WHO IS BEING INVESTIGATED. THAT WAY, THEY CAN TELL YOU WHAT TO DO WITH IT, AND, AS USUAL WE WERE REMINDED TODAY THAT ONE OF THE BIGGEST TOOLS TRUMP HAS AT HIS DISPOSAL IS REPRESENTATIVE DEVIN NUNES. >> THE CURRENT HYSTERIA HAS SOMETHING ELSE IN COMMON WITH THE RUSSIA HOAX. BACK THEN THEY ACCUSED THE PRESIDENT OF COLLUDING WITH RUSSIANS WHEN THE DEMOCRATS THEMSELVES WERE COLLUDING WITH RUSSIANS AND PREPARING THE STEELE DOSSIER. TODAY THEY ACCUSED THE PRESIDENT OF ASKING THE UKRAINIANS TO TAKE ACTIONS THAT WOULD HELP HIMSELF AND HURT HIS OPPONENTS, YET THERE ARE NUMEROUS EXAMPLES OF MANY DIDS DO DEMOCRATS DOING EXY THE SAME THING. >> Jimmy: THIS IS THEIR STRATEGY. WHATEVER YOU SAY WE DID, WE SAY YOU DID RIGHT BACK. PRETTY SOON, HE'LL BE ACCUSING DEMOCRATS OF HAVING SEX WITH STORMY DANIELS. BUT GO ON, GO ON, DEVIN. I'M CURIOUS TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF EXAMPLES WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HERE. >> DEMOCRATS ON THIS COMMITTEE NEGOTIATED WITH PEOPLE THEY THOUGHT WERE UKRAINIANS TO OBTAIN NUDE PICTURES OF TRUMP. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: AND THAT WAS THE MOMENT I REALIZED I WOULDN'T BE EATING BREAKFAST TODAY. [ APPLAUSE ] YOU KNOW, THE IDEA THAT, THE IDEA THAT SOMEONE WANTS TO SEE DONALD TRUMP NUDE, THAT MIGHT BE THE WILDEST CONSPIRACY THEORY EVER. EVEN QANON WAS LIKE, NO, THAT IS [ BLEEP ], THAT IS NOT, THIS IS INTERESTING, TOO. I NOTICED SOMETHING DURING McGUIRE'S TESTIMONY. THIS COULD BE A GAME CHANGER. CHECK THIS OUT. THROUGH HIS TESTIMONY, LOOK AT WHAT KIND OF WATER HE WAS DRINKING, POLAND SPRINGWATER, WHICH IS A CURIOUS CHOICE WHEN YOU CONSIDER NO WITNESS HAS EVER BEEN GIVEN POLAND SPRINGWATER BEFORE, NOT JIM COMEY, WHO WAS GIVEN TAP WATER, COREY LEWANDOWSKI GOT DASANI. BEN AFFLECK GOT DEER PARK. COULD TO BE THAT POLAND SHARES A BORDER WITH -- UKRAINE. THAT'S IT. NOW THIS IS WATERGATE RIGHT HERE. BOTTLED WATERGATE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND THE FAKE NEWS WON'T REPORT IT! AND, WITH THIS UKRAINE DRAMA UNFOLDING WITH A PRESIDENT FACING IMPEACHMENT FOR ONLY THE THIRD TIME IN AMERICAN HISTORY, WITH EVERY NEWS CHANNEL LASER FOCUSSED ON THIS DEVELOPING STORY, THOUGHIS IS WHAT THEY WEP TO ON FOX AND FRIENDS. >> I WAS AMAZED WITH THE WAY WE'RE COMING UP WITH THE DIFFERENT WAYS OF FLAVORING SYRUP. YOU THOUGHT A LOT OF SUGAR AND SAP AND PUTTING A FUNNEL IN A TREE WAS ENOUGH. >> Jimmy: SOUNDS TO ME LIKE SOMEONE'S GUNNING FOR A PULITZER, AND SHAME ON THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA FOR NOT GIVING NATIONAL PANCAKE DAY THE NEWS IT DESERVES. MORALE WAS LOW, CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF TWEET BALLS. TRUMP WAS FORCED TO RETWEET GERALDO TODAY. HE SPENT MUCH OF THE AFTERNOON COMPLAINING ABOUT THE COMPLAINT, AGAIN CALLING IT A WITCH HUNT, AND HE ALSO CAME UP WITH A TITLE FOR HIS AUTO BIOGRAPHY TODAY. IT WILL BE CALLED THE GREATEST SCAM IN THE HISTORY OF AMERICAN POLITICS. TRUMP CLAIMS HE ONLY WATCHED A LITTLE BIT OF THE TESTIMONY THIS MORNING. YEAH, JUST LIKE HE ONLY EATS A LITTLE BIT OF CAKE. HE DID NOT TWEET AS MUCH AS HE USUALLY DOES TODAY. BUT HE DID GET OUT IN FRONT OF REPORTERS FOR A TANTRUM ON THE TARMAC. >> THEY DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING, BECAUSE HER TO' FIXATED ON THIS, AND NANCY PELOSI HAS BEEN HIJACKED BY THE RADICAL LEFT, AND EVERYBODY KNOWS IT, THANK YOU. >> Jimmy: AND NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M OFF TO MAKE LOVE TO A FILLET O FISH. HE LASHED OUT TOE WHISTLE-BLOWER AND THE PUSHED BACK ON THE WHISTLE-BLOWER AND MADE CLEAR HE WANTS TO KNOW WHO IT WAS WHO RATTED HIM OUT. >> THAT'S CLOSE TO A SPY. YOU KNOW WHAT WE USED TO DO IN THE OLD DAYS WHEN WE WERE SMART, FOR SPIES AND TREASON? WE USED TO HAND THELE IT A LITT DIFFERENTLY THAN WE DO NOW. >> Jimmy: HILARIOUS. THE PRESIDENT WANTS TO KILL SOMEONE ON HIS STAFF. WE STILL DON'T KNOW THE IDENTITY OF THIS WHISTLE-BLOWER. THAT WILL BE REVEALED NEXT WEEK ON "THE MASKED SINGER." WE DID LEARN FROM THE "NEW YORK TIMES" THAT HE IS A MAN AND HE'S WITH THE CIA, SO WHEN TRUMP SAYS IT WAS A SPY, HE'S RIGHT. IT WAS ONE OF OUR SPIES. HE REALLY IS SPINNING OUT. HE'S GETTING INCREASINGLY SLOPPY. YOU'D THINK THE GUY WITH THE MOST FAMOUS COMBOVER WOULD BE BETTER WITH A COVERUP. BUT HE'S ALSO THREATENED TODAY THAT IF HE GETS POOIMPEACHED, T STOCK MARKET WILL CRASH. CHICKEN SAND WITCHES WILL SELL OUT. CELL PHONES WILL FREEZE-UP WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO SEND A TEXT. WE'RE GOING WITHOUT HIM. MEANWHILE, THE VICE POODLE, MIKE PENCE IS QUIETLY AND POLITELY BIDING HIS TIME, THEY SENT HIM OUT TO SUCKLE THE TEETS OF LOU DOBBS. >> THE IRONIC THING IS THE ONLY TIME IT DID HAPPEN THAT WE KNOW ABOUT IS WHEN FORMER VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN THREATENED OVER A BILLION DOLLARS IN AID TO UKRAINE IN EXCHANGE FOR A SPECIFIC ACT. IN THIS CHARACTERISTIC THE PRESIDENT'S BEEN COMPLETELY VINDICATED. >> Jimmy: THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE. MIKE PENCE IS MIXED UP IN THIS, TOO. ACCORDING TO THE COMPLAINT, TRUMP ORDERED MIKE PENCE TO SKIP UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT ZELINSKY'S INAUGURATION AND SENT RICK PERRY INSTEAD. THE REASON HE DID IT IS BECAUSE HE WANTED TO SEE IF ZELINSKY WOULD PLAY BALL BEFORE HE SENT MIKE PENCE OVER THERE. YOU KNOW. IF YOU PLAY BALL WITH MIKE PENCE, HE WILL ALWAYS FETCH IT. IT RUINS THE GAME. SO HE SENT RICK PERRY, WHO YOU KNOW WAS THE SECOND PERSON ELIMINATED ON "DANCING WITH THE STARS" AND THE WHISTLE-BLOWER WROTE MULTIPLE OFFICIALS TOLD ME THAT A MEETING BETWEEN THE PRESIDENT AND PRESIDENT ZELINSKY WOULD DEPEND ON WHETHER ZELINSKY AGREED TO PLAY BALL ON THE ISSUES. THOSE CLUED JOE BIDEN. THE ONLY GUY GOING DOWN FOR THIS? RUDY GIULIANI. WHEN THE DUST IS CLEARED, RUDE EYE WILRUDEY WILL BE UNDER THE BUS, MAYBE THE AK S "ACCESS HOLLYWOOD" BUS. HE CLAIMS THE STATE DEPARTMENT SENT HIM TO THE UKRAINE. THEY SAY THEY DIDN'T. HAVING RUDY GIULIANI BE YOUR MIDDLEMAN, IT'S LIKE ASKING BILL COSBY TO CHAPERONE YOUR DATE. IT'S A PROBLEM. BUT RUDY SAYS WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE, HE WILL BE THE HERO OF THIS STORY. HE WILL BE, HE'LL BE LIKE THOSE HEROES YOU MET OUT ON THE STREET TODAY, BEGGING FOR TIPS. MEANWHILE, THE IMPEACHMENT PROCESS MARCHES ON. A MAJORITY OF THE HOUSE, AT LEAST 223 LAWMAKERS NOW, ARE ON BOARD WITH THE IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY, BUT NANCY PELOSI, THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE IS IN NO MOOD TO CELEBRATE. >> EVERY DAY THE SADNESS GROWS, BECAUSE THE DISREGARD FOR OUR CONSTITUTION THAT THE PRESIDENT HAS BECOMES MORE CLEAR. >> WELL, SHE'LL BE CHUGGING COORS LIGHT FROM A BEER BOTTLE. ALL SIGNS ARE POINTING TO IMPEACHMENT AND PEOPLE ARE NOTICING FROM WASHINGTON, D.C. ALL THE WAY TO WASHINGTON STATE. >> IN IS THE CALL FOR IMPEACHING PRESIDENT TRUMP THE SIGN WAS SHOWING DURING THE MORNING COMMUTE. THE SIGN WAS BACK TO NORMAL BY 11:00 IN THE MORNING. BUT WE SHOWED THE PICTURE TO RICH GORDON. >> OH, I APPROVE.
