Top 20 - Doug Stanhope vs Hecklers (Stand up Comedy)

[Music] this is the last show of my career you're leaving no word they're gonna call the cops you don't want to go to the [ __ ] tombs or wherever you go [Laughter] [Music] and here's a here's a bit I wasn't gonna do [Applause] [Music] [Laughter] [Applause] [ __ ] mango racist [ __ ] just don't know how to drink and there's also have a large element of mentally ill people don't necessarily know how to spot that versus that I just got too enamored and tweeted you a picture of me drinking new grones and 11:00 in the morning to be in any condition nine hours days [Music] in the in comedian that that tweeted me today work are you alone you asked to bake an idea afterwards last night people like would do a meet and greet what would I have that people finally injected I want to hang around on the side [Applause] seat I try to pretend to pronounce your name first first let me you have your grandmother in rows down alright got to that part she talks about she talks about people and how people are different than they used to be you know when we were just children growing up right before the Great Depression and this neighborhood people were next this was the community back then we didn't have the problems we have now because this is a community if people talk to one another they go hello mr. Johnson Andy Tibbitts hat it's a nice day if you seen the mailman and I'd say no I was just gonna pick up aunt Frances from the 3:45 stage from Oklahoma City people were nice and it was a community and that people are just all self centered himself then they just look at it why are you yelling over me [ __ ] W people just [ __ ] every time to make sure you never get a [ __ ] joke right - little devon has a graphic recorder I live seven miles off the Mexican border in a small town in Arizona and you see all these Mexicans that are taking American jobs I see him Border Patrol's weapon that was here you're heckling has been almost appropriate and well timed up until right now right now it's where I was in the middle of thank you if you feel like the tension in my voice you can't I'm a heck heckle like there'll be times where I'm going huh and I don't know what the [ __ ] I'm doing and that's a good time to blurt out some stupid [ __ ] give me a second to respond while the back of my head is trying to think of what to do next when you do what you did like you did that is to the comedy process what a strong poop smell is to the sexual act it doesn't ruin it completely but it definitely makes you pause [Music] there's two black bunkers or 20 and the third part is she's not no and everybody's platter so to hit throughout the Bucky and reports of work going on there kind of us on the net with that services some cops show up at the door they kick to the door expecting a burglary they find a flat [ __ ] they arrest them a longer sodomy laws they convicted them and an appeals court upheld the conviction and that's March of 2001 that's before 9/11 so they couldn't even - as terrorist-related [ __ ] mother goes up and under see black right consider the whole population in this world you consider the natural resources that we're missing the waist-length red-bearded party rolling blackouts gases biology gallon it doesn't Brady's you Silas not only illegal misty promote [Music] wow this doesn't Segway into anything I was at mr. I pleaded attention so much that I crushed another man's [ __ ] genital yelling you suck you are really a [ __ ] awful audience member how does that feel like you're really a bad audience better well if you look at do want to come up here on stage and Vance does he sucked over there I'd love to see you suck up here for a while you shocked it my friends are not going to like endear you to me you're gonna send them up like that yeah that is so desperate for attention this day that do the walk of shame back don't dunk about [Applause] [Music] 20 have six-foot-three repels five-foot-two show quickly and how one little challenge will be to bring Napoleon right back to the stage that's what I'm all about that's why I do this for a living I'm gonna [ __ ] short running [ __ ] like you and I know you've done a lot of rent years in wrestling you didn't cauliflower your ears so well but see you're sure I know I know I know you're shorter than me you've had all these years of [ __ ] being pulled out but I'm a short BAM at the same time this is my Napoleon place man rip on you all you can know I'll throw you out I don't think you're not interesting dude your family they took hair in the sweater this is unique and your crazy [ __ ] hair in the hood this is my good friend Eric dimension from Howard Stern Show look-alike is here he has some hate the grip on him all night but I want it because it's true fight you there's nothing you're a blank [ __ ] page are you gonna sit down without knowing [Applause] don't say you can't judge a book by its cover right now [Applause] [Applause] I'll tell ya okay before you get hit in the eye with a [ __ ] ice cube and then see your bring your parents in check out there no you gotta go down I'll talk to you after the show I know I know it's not that big of a deal [Applause] I blame me I blame a lot of you guys up there - you do this to him a lot go do it man don't do it yeah that doesn't make you introduce it makes you did nothing different I do a lot of things when I'm drunk - it doesn't make you special or different day you stood on stage they threw ice at you everybody hates you and they wish to leave because of you you're not they are green with me though [Applause] all right I'd say already right I told you to come up and you came up now I'm telling you to sit in the car all right then it's your fault we need more regulation on the Internet government should be more involved because the child pornography is rampant on the internet they just said it on the news child pornography it's rampant on the Internet have you ever seen it you ever seen some child pornography on the Internet oh really thank god [ __ ] beat oh I'll defend child pornography how about that what's wrong with seeing some child pornography I was gonna do this but you know it's not gonna get better you've never been that drunk and when Oh [Laughter] [Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] [Laughter] [Laughter] [Music] [Music] in Baltimore three children were dead what the capitated two were partially and my DeStefano is so funny that if it were him on Fox News saying three children okay let's talk about it all night until you leave did you know those five Sandlin bring out the cooler by that money you know what eventually all of you are going to see something you don't like if I go onstage it's like I'm leading you into battle [Music] [Applause] that was the point that it wasn't funny that's why it's funny you know I try to talk over this but this is way more entertaining no one ever leaves the street like the watching man [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] and we'd make some music okay coming back okay now they're worth now they started an entire boxers sir not everything I say is gonna use everybody that's why God invented common cars so why don't you fill out a comment card and say better fair or not so satisfied and then go home and log on to cnn.com where you're just freedom of speech it's Memorial then you should be out taking this weekend to celebrate the men who risk men and women before you get all ballistic on women who risk their lives so they could rape helpless Iraqi prisoners with a clothes all about their risk their lives were brave enough to go over it step they can I recommend handcuffs in the gate here of its intent Polaroid's about locking their genitals and then pass those Polaroids around amongst one another and save those pictures are their hard drives like the Shaun Cassidy poster remember they're doing that your freedom and go without your freedom to sit there and [ __ ] haul around again in the [ __ ] fisticuffs at the back of the room love that you can't [ __ ] dead people that I don't know that are recently dead but they died five years ago okay it's funny but they died it down no let's maybe he did maybe that guy who was brilliant friends and that's how he overcame the grief by running out to the back [Music] [Music] [Music] so much [ __ ] hate in my soul [Applause] [Applause] new material desperate for anything new like Isis or me I wanna [ __ ] no one is safe [Music] your money and I love it was this always one guy like you that feeds into a comics feeder I'm afraid of doing the [ __ ] that I didn't last night tonight so the guy who shows up two nights in a row [Music] [Applause] [Music] listing do I remember like surety program yes they do that show every [Music] material [Music] [Music] [Music] what did you do what you do and let's take some very British doing the adrenaline I know it's a pointless five minutes for you verbal is me just want to [ __ ] with you and they think it's funny to ruin your set so but you have nothing to back yourself with laughs if you would said this is what I get to other material now I know you're just in time trying to [ __ ] me [Applause] [Music] oh yeah my I know your big [ __ ] rugby town and then that way your Bristol I know you had to take your chain point is ah shut up yours oldest made no one cares what you have to say don't poke them in the eye it's not an [ __ ] he just doesn't know he's talking every [ __ ] pedophile I know I fired you up now I know a lot of times people just don't know the rules and then she felt strongly about Syria and they had to shut her down I envy oh wow Wow you forgot your jacket now you're gonna have to make the walk of shame for your jacket I look I love when people get offended for absolutely nothing but you just sat through rape and abortion and child molesting and fist-fucking but Syria that's where it all falls apart unbelievable that's what I miss about comedy clubs is the people to just show up not having any idea who you are let you play wherever it I play rock and roll clubs what's that yeah yeah you can kind of put a little effort in your Saturday just throw a dart at the weekly hey honey what do we have a coupon for [Laughter] drive safe was it there you go up you sit there you have to pay their tab [Laughter] what's that oh yeah drink your [ __ ] beer - give me a sip [Applause] [Music] yeah yeah quality it's not a kind of a [Applause] it's you at some point in your [ __ ] black dog he is got a [ __ ] camera start the bidding war the part [Applause] they can share the [ __ ] I spent money on it for sehri over in that booth this sound bad economy prices [Music] it's easier than [ __ ] you just say you should be offended by that no I said you weren't easy to [ __ ] what you should be offended by cuz you [ __ ] should be something that comes easy bargain is not something you should build your life easier than giving you the disease by [ __ ] you was this he you would do it so you know what go ahead get it out of your system because you only have above six years of cute to get away with this it's just it's it's just that pretty women have some sense of that you know they have us there's you're so offended like now I called you pretty I told you I would be too hard to [ __ ] you now I called you pretty but if that's gonna run out and you're gonna have what I call you're gonna be new ugly one nearly 36 and you're not gonna know how to deal with ugly like the rest of us who've been ugly our whole life and then all of a sudden you're gonna walk into a show and you're gonna try this [ __ ] and they're gonna go get that pig out of here and they won't even give you [Applause] it's just what happens when you age okay [Applause] this is just yeah the audience is turning on you she said it he said it better I want it I'd like get up no no I I tried to find a way to hate Hicks he was sober he was smart [Music] [Applause] died of brain cancer I'm going to see or if you want the ELISA to the podcast she did pass away we had her on as a guest I was wondering how long before this [ __ ] black hole of [ __ ] ego would sit the [ __ ] down wanna see a good friend of mine died so quickly I'll never see her become ugly and smelly they're not just doing their own quiet down there just washing dirt into the [ __ ] dumpster in the back [Applause] and then I'll make the cloud wait while they throw you mouth [Applause] [Applause] this is what's gonna happen No [Music] you [Applause] I'm in Detroit go ahead go ahead hey [Music] smoke on stage because it's part of a theatrical production which is a loophole and every smoking law and you don't have an act maybe you should find someone to write you a play about smoking I got a question why is it that you can stand up and yell out at people in the middle of the show no one else can [Applause] why would Jesus died for your sins what is that listen let me tell you something Washington Heights they wear this bracelet I called the Dominican Republic discount someone is aware you speak Spanish you wear the bracelet you get this given a lot of speeches and weddings haven't yet control right there all right I just I just want to say this about Cynthia she said I am gonna think that feel good for me I said right before I come home stop punching you in the face close for some time [Music] - used to wash out my mouth with soap but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA you know how they clean you off of those custody battles I'm going to get a security deposit back that's a joke I girls in this disease because you know God intended women a suck dick in a big companies like chocolate I could have but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember to pick a long time or weird thing about child pornography aside from the lack of credits at the end no Ino on that side of Hollywood is there look at the editing on this bill and seamless documentary I'd make it look not even a nom de plume some people earn just for the art a this child not appear after each child now Ruby scars porn stars they really don't wanna be recognized and public big my friend hats and glasses don't tell you now you cook somewhere gospel please if you're moving oh hi [Music] we must I and what from this guy through what's going on are you the Swiss with the leg [Music] you game [ __ ] destroys me [Applause] I'm calling a [ __ ] lawyer go [ __ ] someone tonight I'm someone uglier than you you want to make the world a better place you want to make this festival festive for everyone go out tonight at [ __ ] on just dog give a bleep you know what frog [ __ ] about racism and people being [ __ ] held down for their sexuality or their skin color going it's more discriminated against in [ __ ] ugly people since the dawn of man ugly people have [ __ ] rough this time I was surprised vanilla rise in your backlash because there's no unity amongst the ugly people we don't [ __ ] get together you know rally we have no lobbies you don't even I've each other in the ball I can't hear you write it down and pass it up on these paper I'll put a minute stack over there how do people you can't even point out someone else it's ugly to string up conversation at an airport are oh you're lovely I hope they do the rough out of the ugly than that there is no al sharpton spokesperson for the ugly this ugly is not a minority girl majority we still suck dick get the last [ __ ] job of qualified beautiful person versus you trying to get a drink at the pub if you're overlooked right on this very Island that I pretend only exists in my imagination to punish me [ __ ] sins a minute I don't believe you're really here somewhere on this island earlier this year they are captured in an ugly woman that could sing and the driving activity and it brought a school of civilization and it was a [ __ ] unruly mob kind of like destiny they brought this ugly woman in shackles out onto the stage I can use a lot of historical King Kong but they uh they brought her out and is upping model quite angry people at her brilliance manias and [ __ ] mocking her and I guess has a self-defense mechanism she tried to sing [Applause] why are you getting the forum here Jesus what kind of [ __ ] generation tries to glass a comment with a [ __ ] [Applause] I'm this is embarrassing hi how are you don't worry he'll be ugly soon enough Hey I have no idea goes on and on my act goes on I think I fulfill a contractual obligation Congress I'm just getting here to beat up your annoying [Applause] [Music] maybe you shouldn't be working at Home Depot are we maybe five minutes shouldn't really what what didn't you like what isn't good it it was just loud none of that really [ __ ] fed into the headline from the USA Today that I read that hit me up on the news what are you angry about wait so it was the two people fighting I can't ski I got [ __ ] just relax be be friendly oh you're seen what hold on hang on let her talk okay ma'am go ahead what about Iraq chaos is fun everybody else is cool I mean I'll do material up here but no one ever leaves a fistfight to watch the band well your voice is important that's why you were allowed to log on to cnn.com so let's hear your voice go ahead what our boys are over finish come on she's not a radio personality that can be succinct and soundbites she's a person that what what about the boys in Iraq what about them you have a son in Iraq okay so what about him why is he there why did he join the military what made him join the military how old was he when they joined the military well maybe you should have said hey honey why don't you wait till you're smart enough to make this decision I'm not saying it's a bad thing I support the troops listen to me I support the troops on an individual basis and everyone's had very different reason if I make your son and he's a cool troop and he's not a douche bag at the end of the night just wants to fight because he didn't understand something that someone yelled and a lot of troops of [ __ ] I don't know your son will talk after the show maybe you can give me more insight some troops of [ __ ] let's get that out of the way if I meet your son he's cool I'll put his name on the yellow ribbon [ __ ] the PFC [ __ ] Juan Suarez or whatever I was zooming good whatever if he's cool while supporting no matter what he does he to you go [ __ ] AWOL he's breathing depleted uranium you see this is the problem [Applause] you have a little private discussion group the point is yeah some troops join the military because they got [ __ ] this is the deal I like war war is good because it clears out some [ __ ] some troops are [ __ ] would you agree sir yes I'm in Killeen Texas I'm working at [ __ ] Ernie's pub in 1994 and I come out of the [ __ ] restroom and this is just one example and I knock over some [ __ ] troops [ __ ] piss more beer it was an accident and he wanted to [ __ ] it you know how the redneck see they get [ __ ] another arms swinging up four arms forward all simeon you i did not support that troop during the war man I hope he's not stationed with your son cuz that guy's [ __ ] [ __ ] he's not fighting for your freedom he's fighting because he's a psychopath that can't wait to kill people and that's good if that's your instinct your instinct is your only true God follow it and go kill people that's why I'm pro war as long as there's no draft as long as it's voluntary then I gank and kids out of the inner city and making them fight a war what choice do they have what choice oh they enjoy the military cause any college money you know what there's other ways to get college money if you know that kids an idiot and college wasn't gonna help you you can suck a dick you can steal some car radios multiple pallidus [ __ ] off that [ __ ] truck at Home Depot sell it out of a van on a highway off-ramp swing around the brass pole a few times Jessica Lynch you'll have plenty of college money and never leave West Virginia lindy England you're doing all those [ __ ] Abu Ghraib [ __ ] atrocities you're angry you're everyone's yelling and everyone to unit oh why why cuz lever pinions what you know God have rebuttal and this is it then I'm gonna have to go on with the show which it was racist though she's Mexican Suarez is a regular last name usually I say Johnson if it's a white guy I'm applying now I was talking about her son which would be Mexican so I used up Mexican last name it's that racist though this not everyone can be a brilliant stand-up comic I don't good man your anti comic [Music] [Applause] [Music] that's why people log on to cnn.com [Music] [Applause] you can't heckle unless you're in the first four rows because I can't see you it's chicken [ __ ] I'm from Canada too [Applause] [Music] those Canadians have to be an American because you've never done [ __ ] for yourself from any country not just America take pride say we take pride and Dale Earnhardt within a race [Applause] someone else will take a risk [Applause] [Music] [Applause] the managers going to tell me to [ __ ] shine what it's so sad and it's unnecessary is it all the [ __ ] squirrels around and a small circle at the bottom you have a [ __ ] job so you made a $15.00 cover bust up my [ __ ] job oh this [ __ ] swirls around in a circle and all the people responsible for making us all miserable aren't here today I'm gonna get into my [ __ ] later on and Travis lynskey coming out [Applause] hey security why are you trying to find pretty girls inappropriate seat and not punching those [ __ ] in the debates [Music] if you were running you wouldn't be up there right now when I'm drunk friendly [Music]

Channel: Cult Comedy

Views: 66,091

Rating: 4.6376638 out of 5

Keywords: Doug Stanhope, Hecklers, Drunk, funny, comedy, stand up comedy, Top 20, Heckles, Stanhope, Live, bootleg, vs Hecklers

Id: td5ZQqWciXA

Length: 52min 53sec (3173 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 04 2019