Norm Macdonald's Final Day of Hosting Weekend Update

[Applause] [Music] our top story tonight this week following revelations that he lied about his military service the body of former diplomat and Democratic contributor Larry Lawrence was removed from Arlington Cemetery commenting on the affair and angry President Clinton called it quote the most outrageous deception regarding one's military service since me President Clinton met this week with Chinese dissident Wei Jingsheng a leading advocate of democracy in China who had been imprisoned and tortured for nearly 18 years whoever the meeting had to be abruptly cut short when the president learned that mr. Jiang Shang is broke [Applause] at a press conference this week FAA official studying last year's crash of TWA flight 800 announced that they have pinpointed the cause a frayed wire leading from the Jets fuel tank according to the investigators the wire became frayed when it was struck by a missile pedal frail wire well a sad story from the world of entertainment this week actor Bob Bell better known to millions as Bozo the Clown has died at the age of 75 commenting on his passing President Clinton said quote you know for $50,000 he can be buried next to JFK [Laughter] well President Clinton received an early Christmas present this week an adorable labrador puppy and presidential historian say that it will be good for his image according to these scholars in comparison to a male dog the president's sex life will seem relatively normal [Laughter] at a congressional hearing this week Republicans blasted Attorney General Janet Reno for her refusal to investigate White House fundraising responding to criticisms Reno said Wow some congressmen must really want their homes fire bombed and run over by tanks huh Golden State warrior stereo Latrell Sprewell suspended last week for attacking and choking his coach has hired attorney Johnnie Cochran to represent him at a press conference Tuesday Cochran said that his client did not choke his coach and even offered a reward to help find the real chokers this week computer hackers broke into Yahoo the Internet's most popular website and vowed to unleash a crippling computer virus if a fellow hacker is not released from prison expert warned that these that catching these cyber terrorists will not be an easy task and may require the cooperation of both nerds and Geeks well our best wishes to North Carolina senator Jesse Helms who had 76 years old recently underwent surgery to repair an old knee injury doctors say the senator will no longer need his cane for walking but helm says they will continue to use it to scare off young whippersnappers nothing better than a cane to scare off young whippersnappers well this week after a Los Angeles restaurant refused to seat him Oh Jay Simpson demanded and got five hundred dollars in compensation in addition the restaurant must now offer separate murderer and non murderer section safer drivers men or women well according to a new survey 55% of adults feel that women are most responsible for minor fender benders while 78% blame men for most fatal crashes please note that the percentage of these pie graphs do not add up to 100% because the math was done by a woman those of you hissing at that joke it should be a noted that that joke was written by a woman so now you don't know what the hell to do now I'm just kidding we don't hire women tel aviv's Hard Rock Cafe which is sandwiched between the sites of too gruesome suicide bombings has closed due to slumping tourism in Israel also contributing to the closing of the Hard Rock the restaurants best piece of rock memorabilia is Henry Kissinger's ukulele [Laughter] finally in entertainment news there are rumors that actor Don Johnson is dating 71 year-old San Francisco socialite Denise Hale an observer who spotted the couple necking in a restaurant will have trouble getting an erection for the rest of his life that's the news folks well I'm glad you folks are in a great mood tonight our first guest is one of the funniest men working in television today is the anchor of Weekend Update on the popular Saturday Night Live program please welcome Norm Macdonald armed [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] I'm just slow that's okay happy new year but thank you very much for being here yeah you don't mind if I ask you a question once I'm here today I hear this story and as it's like this press release you get your ass fired does they know you didn't get fired yeah they fired all they didn't fire you no I'm serious at that time I talked to a guy that said I'm fired fired from your television job from on the weekend you know I do the news Weekend Update and I do the jokes there are sometimes many times the best part of the show yeah that's your opinion it's my opinion oh but then the guys that can fire me that's not their opinion now why would they fire you well I'm fired your first of all let's get some names here let's get this on the record well I don't know the guys like is the guys that work where I Lauren Michaels instead of Lauren Michaels fire you know he did he didn't fire me right he likes me and stuff well he is his show isn't it I I thought it was his show yeah but now can a guy come in from the outside to Faria somebody maybe she fired you know their NBC what happens is your work on the show and then there's these guys that hang out like in the hall yeah we got em DC executives I'd see him I didn't know who the hell they were what they did you know now I know what they do they fire me for Weekend Update but they they they said that this guy Don ohlmeyer turns out to be the president yeah I know Don ohlmeyer and that's between you and me is an idiot Oh so I wouldn't take it seriously if this guy fired you you may still have a job you never know I'd wait for some paperwork no I phoned him you know oh you had to phone you had to phone him to pick up your messages from gut oh man I said hey you don't know what to say you're like hey how's it going there you know you're trying to talk about something else did you have a turkey there for the thing or whatever and then so he goes oh yeah I'm firing you there from the show and then I I said oh that's not good I said why is that now and he goes oh you're not you know you're not funny yeah and then I said I said Oh Lord that's even worse news you know no I got nothing back he just fired what do you mean what is wrong with you you Quisling stop that I don't know what Quisling means I mean to me like you know you have to be philosophical about these things I mean at first like when I found out you know I was upset but then you know I I really started I started to think about it you know and plus I drank a lot of whiskey and I liked that but then the next day I sobered up and I remembered you know that I still had some whiskey life no I far be it for me to tell you how to lead your life or your career because lord knows you've been very very successful but if the guy says to you we don't want you on the weekend update' and that's like your signature piece you're you're kind of like the anchorman not only of that segment but of the entire Saturday Night Live show if things aren't going great they give the ball to you you're the damn quarterback norm you're the one who punches it over the goal line for pay dirt so they shot Cologne and cufflinks Don ohlmeyer if he says we don't want you on the weekend update' I'd adios no I can't absolutely hit the dirt come on over here to CBS we'll get you a nice show we'll put you put you together nice show for you all right you're no Quisling I've never been called that well now will you stay on the and the rest of the show yeah I'm gonna stay like I do also other than do an update I do like sketches but like I stink and those so you know he thinks I'm funny in them uh-huh yeah oh it's just the weekend update' he doesn't think you're funny yeah yeah I think I'm funny in Weekend Update and god only knows I mean you know he it's just a matter of opinion he also thinks that oj is innocent don't let this pinhead push you around for heaven's sakes now he's not a pinhead he's a isn't he's a fat guy that's Mary you don't like a guy just cuz he's fat you know there's nothing to do with him being fat no in fact you don't like because he's a dope no no it's just that you know what I've always said is I've said comedy is subjective whisky is good you're very very funny you're you're like the strength of that franchise well do you know any guys over there you can give a call to look yeah well they're gonna take a call from me you're lucky you're lucky they took your call so they could fire you are you kidding Wow but there are you getting some support from the rest of the cast members well you know the people on the cast like they go you know when you work at a place you know some people like it some people hate yeah say you know people come after you and go oh man I'm sorry and then either they their story or they're not sorry yeah that's right so how the hell do you know no you don't really know but you can tell well sometimes you can tell like you walk into a room and then everybody will stop talking and then see you go hey were you just talking about how you were glad I got fired from the other day no no we're talking about hats but now let me go back to this and I don't want to embarrass you again but if if Lauren Michaels the guy who created the show the guy who's kept the show in business all these years yeah it's his show mr. big shot Mr Cable and orso's Lorne Michaels why doesn't he step in why doesn't throw himself in front of this gorilla to save your job what's going on there it wasn't like he's a Quisling that's like maybe get a dictionary at the break this is didn't Lauren Michaels hire you yes he did who ought to be able to fire you Lauren Mike right so that was he did he fire you no he didn't fire but he's like your buddy right you're buddies with me yeah he's a good man and he wouldn't you say to you been very supportive of well I guess not what do what did he say to you he said to me he says to me he says he said look norm this is the deal he said I want you to stay on as Weekend Update oh good go well great so you got the job back that's good news [Applause] hang on stay right there and think about it we're gonna get this straightened out all right norm good to see you buddy we'll be right back here with Norm Macdonald [Applause] McDonnell is here from Saturday Night Live Peter Wilson from La Femme Nikita Streb you ever seen these strep people oh they're great it's gonna change your life what do you got there and I looked up Quisling yeah I looked at what yeah and also this do you know what quiz master means yeah I feel like Alex Trebek no Quisling is a master of ceremonies on a gameshow Quisling is a traitor who serves as the puppet of the enemy occupying his country exactly that's what I'm talking about thank you very much you sir are no Quisling I thought I was done when I didn't know what Quisling was I think I'm even dumber now cuz I still don't know this seems so preposterous to me so unfathomable so unreasonable that I'm guessing it's like a stunt like a publicity stunt like big-time wrestling or something is that it that kind of deal where you and Don ohlmeyer lab have a fuel wrestle on the show or something for your job one of those deals this weasel fired you know the other thing I'm funny and yet you like the man sure I mean you know here's here's what a lot of people don't think I'm fun enjoy your complimentary beverage now tomorrow night it ain't risky but it's good now there's a great song now tomorrow night tomorrow night come back on the show or freighting they come back on the show and do Weekend Update you can do Weekend Update here you can be The Weekend Update guy on this show that'd be great who's taking your place on the weekend update' I don't know apparently they had some press released today but I don't read the papers which is what that wasn't good either not if you're in charge of Weekend Update I just blatantly admitted to any Nixon jerk yeah I'll tell you one thing I'll tell you who's taking your place nobody can take your place McDonnell that's what I think you don't seem to be taking this too hard you seem to be taking it pretty well well I mean I don't know because if somebody doesn't like you then and they own the joint you know that's fine I mean I don't know why would you want to work in that atmosphere why wouldn't you want to take a hike and say well I'll show you I'll take my little weekend update' someplace else and bury you punks I don't know I guess I'm like damn Quisling [Applause] geez how you land on your feet I think you get it but you're gonna be in part of the show anyway right yeah I'll be doing you know yeah you know I various impression of me I'll be doing that why didn't they fire that that now they're saying Oh putting a whole bunch of sketches which I don't wanna be in because then they're like here you're the scientist and you you're the scientist in charge of monkey boy or something going hey yeah cheerleaders what's going on I haven't seen monkey boy that's good possibilities [Music]

Channel: I'm not Norm

Views: 1,007,537

Rating: 4.8970737 out of 5

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Id: rB8nih-S2aE

Length: 18min 4sec (1084 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 06 2020