Top 10 Dry Bar Comedy Specials of 2021

[Music] 17 year old he ran away earlier this year oh no it's okay one of us had to go figure since i pay rent it might as well be you seriously my 17 year old walked around my house like i lived with him not only like i lived with him but like i lived with him and i was behind on my rent kids nowadays they're different they they're different and and i understand now because kids nowadays they're getting raised a little differently do you guys remember a television show come on a long time ago um um the nanny y'all remember that i i i it used to blow my mind because i used to watch the show and it would start off the same way every time every time it would start off with the parents being interviewed and and the parents would be like and you still understand he's so demanding and i'm like he's three the show would get to going on and and and the the nanny would tell the parent to discipline timmy timmy going off mommy i hate you i hate you i ain't you and hit his mama the mother would be all discombobulated she wouldn't know what to do she'd be stuck the nanny be standing in the corner like this now remember she would come over there and she would go no no no this is not acceptable this is what i need you to do i need you to come down to his level look him straight in the eye and firmly say timmy you get a time out [Laughter] say provo i know i'm in the right place because see i see you thinking like i'm thinking because see if it was you and if it was me it'd be a whole different show timmy get to going off mommy i hate you i hate you boo hit me commercial i got the new iphone with siri on it you guys have siri serious racist theory only understands why people that's why you only see why people use siri on commercials every commercial why people beep siri could you tell michael and jason that me and ben are on the way please bp messes then i use it with my indian cousins names and all hell breaks loose right and i use it on my peep series could you tell raj jinder patender and satinder that me and priya are on the way please we located five seven elevens in your area i'm like why we made you traitor i won't stand for it indians get made funded for a lot of stuff too some stuff is true right like indians will bargain i don't even know this indians will bargain anytime anywhere we'll bargain while we're getting robbed robbed i've seen it hey put your hands up okay buddy hear me out how about i put one hand up okay everybody calm down it's like how about i shoot you in the face how about you just stab me in v caller today okay just give me all your stuff how about i give you half my stuff and you give me your watch it's a very good deal you're not god [Music] that's why you never see any indians on deal or no deal it would take too long it would just be four hours some indian guy yelling no neil no thank you it's like we haven't even offered you anything yet sir you're in line [Music] i actually had the opportunity to do shows in india which was a blast i don't know if you know this but we don't use toilet paper in india did you guys know that no we use water in our hands because we believe that's more uh hygienic and uh better for the environment which is fine with me but the problem is they told me this eight days into the trip after i high-fived half of new delhi i was like when no wonder god that was me my cousin was pumped to see me though he wanted to impress me the first place he took me to was an amusement park that sounds like fun right roller coasters in a third world country [Laughter] i'm already afraid of heights now i'm on a wooden roller coaster in bangladesh i'm just going up this like i'm gonna die there's no way i'm gonna survive this my cousin looks at me like don't buddy buddy these roller coasters are just like the ones you have in america don't you buddy buddy don't you buddy okay like alright cool i look down i see two indians pulling a rope one of them gave me a thumbs up i'm like put your hand back in the road bro there's people up here and then i thought to myself wow that rope must smell like poop i wouldn't touch that rope [Music] see i like when people store it because i think it reminds me of like the sound my dog makes when he's running around like because i got a dog you got any dog people here yeah yeah there we go right on my kind of folks man uh yeah man i love my dog we have uh we had a very eccentric dog my wife and i uh we have a three-legged pug named taz that's a letter for each limb still attached to his body we're praying we never have to call him mr t and people always do what you guys did when they hear we got a three-legged dog they're like oh that's so sweet you guys gotta rescue and i gotta be like nah we did it i'm still paying for that surgery and it's a boring story man he had a birth defect his elbow grew backwards so he broke his leg we had to snip it but we didn't know he broke his leg for like three months because he didn't say nothing we just thought he had a little swagger to him we didn't know he's cool he's hip let him be all right but that's a boring story i don't like it it's not chivalrous there's nothing exciting about that so what i like to do is i like to mess with people folks ask me what happened to his leg i give him a different answer every single time kids are the best oh my goodness i love it when kids come up this little boy coming to me one time i was i had my dog at the park he's like hey mister what happened to your dog's leg and i just went we lost it and i kept walking [Music] we were playing fetch and i threw it too hard what do you want from me kid [Laughter] that one guy coming to me is like hey what happened to your dog's leg and i was like the war vietnam vet in the sense that he went to a vietnamese veterinarian i'm gonna let y'all pass that one around for a minute what's been weird though recently is people been trying to guess what happened to his leg that's been unusual i'm not ready for that i was walking him a couple weeks ago guy wrote by in his bicycle he's like hey did your dog get hit by a car what car is gonna hit a pug and he only loses the front right leg if i hit a pug with my car and that's the end result i'm returning that car it is not safe for me to drive i need some better safety features like i don't know man a hot wheels or a tonka truck or something i can't have pugs shaking me off like watch where you going what are you thinking man get your life together people always ask if my dog gets around okay i take him off his leash i'm like catch him say goodbye to those three hours [Music] he's faster without the leg don't feel bad for him now he could juke stiff arm spin move he's the perfect madden character we had to move out of our apartment because of him yeah we used to live in the upstairs apartment and he gets them these running fits and want you to catch them so if you live downstairs underneath us and we live in the second story apartment it sounds like we're filming all the montages from scooby-doo upstairs so it takes me like 20 30 minutes sometimes to catch him because he's real quick and agile and i finally catch him but it's too late i hear it pounding on my front door and i open the door and it is my neighbor from downstairs and to say that she is upset is a terrible understatement she is red in the face veins popping out of her neck yelling at me like excuse me could you tell your dog to keep it down for just one night please and i just looked at her and went we already cut off one of his legs so he'd make less noise we don't know what else you want us to do [Music] so we had to move y'all i love my dog man i love him like a son he's not my son i'm not one of those people don't hate me because if you raised a human being before you hate anybody that's like my dog is my child no it's not it's not the same thing if i got a kid i can't leave him at home for eight hours with a couple of bowls with food and water like i cut a hole in the door he'll figure it out they will take your kid away from you i know i've checked i miss my little brother that's a fun job i grew up i never knew i'd be a comedian i grew up a pretty awkward kid i was painfully shy and the people always wonder what the w is about what's johnny w it's short for my last name i just shortened it make it easier for everybody i have a hard to pronounce last name so i just shortened it down make it easier my last name is uh baxter and uh no my last name is webington which seems easy whethington but i get washington and wellington and liechtenstein that's a weird one the worst was third grade i was in a new school anybody have a hard to pronounce last name here you know my pain if the teacher gets it wrong call and roll you're going to get mocked the whole year she gets to the w's i'm sending her telepathic messages please get it right i can't deal weddington wedding cause she's like all right walker okay watson okay way a ton way a ton on the back can i just head home now and develop an eating disorder thanks so much you're the greatest was a chubby kid in middle school for sure had asthma you may have asthma here tonight hold your inhalers high don't be ashamed i love the asthma it was great man that little asthma note from my doctor that was my get out of gym free cards what that was just hand it over there you go that's your copy okay it's laminated yeah i got lots more i'm gonna have a seat oh we're climbing the big rope today i don't think so i will not be getting friction burns on my crotch i'm going to have a seat and wheeze to myself that was 8th grade then 9th grade came suddenly it was the high school pe teacher he wasn't having it what is this asthma i can cure i asthma like you can what his cure for asthma he made me run what's called suicides you guys know what that is suicides it's a horrifying series of wind sprints they call it i don't know who named that but let me tell you something if you make a little fat kid run back and forth until he dies that is homicide that is not they will prosecute you pretty sure [Applause] [Music] but that wasn't even the worst day in gym class by far the worst day was the first gym class of 10th grade that was the day of the president's physical fitness challenge do they do that here they got to stop it's like the hunger games he'd line us up everybody take a minute get a buddy we're going to time each other everybody take a minute get yourself a buzz like i don't need a minute i don't have a buddy okay i'm the shyest kid here i look up everybody's got a buddy but me i'm mortified i look at the end of the bleachers there's a girl sitting by herself i don't even know her is she even in my class but it doesn't matter because they're not gonna put a girl with me they did come on down here sally it's fine you'll be with johnny come on now you're gonna time johnny okay he's gonna do push-ups from any time count the jumping jacks you're gonna count them timing you know then you're gonna hold his feet and he gonna do sit-ups for a minute yeah that turned pretty quickly into a game of how many times can johnny fart into the face of a stranger before she begins to cry and the answer is 17 17 times oh it's the number of times to do a little thing i like to call the zany report anybody want to hear this [Applause] for the folks who may not know this is my take on the news a lot of great things going on in the news and i like to keep on top of that jason do you stay on top of the news nope then this is really going to work well are you having a good time jason yeah can you show it hi paul do you laugh inside is there any way you can move to the back it's just been a rough 12 months i've lost a lot of dear friends and family members i have been in so many funerals always a pallbearer everybody mourns differently okay news a new study has found pessimistic men are likely to die early i just knew it the las vegas city council has outlawed urination and defecation in public they said it's been their number one and number two priority [Applause] hey there's a high suicide rate among dentists how many dentists are here see you seem happy i don't believe that daylight alabama a cougar found at a local motel has been euthanized officials are warning women over 50 to stay away from this month dateline woodland hills california six cars collide into a spilled load of avocados luckily chips are on the scene in minutes you brought a molag honda has come out with a lawnmower that can go up to 150 miles per hour they're very popular with gardeners who have been spotted by ice agents look if we don't laugh we'll just cry boise idaho the city recorded its hottest day at 106 degrees beating out the old record of 105 degrees set in 1875. now officials of course are blaming this on global warming and in 1875 they blamed it on summer summer summer [Applause] port charlotte florida a woman says lightning destroyed her septic tank causing her toilet to explode and in a sign of poetic justice it also hit the ceiling fan [Music] one and a half cups of spinach a day may reduce the risk of stroke the study went on to say oh get get get [Music] see doctor i don't think that's true have you seen popeye this sailor it looks like he's had a stroke daylight omaha nebraska the fire department wants to charge 400 a pop for helping pick up people who have fallen prompting life alert to unveil their new slogan i've fallen and can't afford to get up this one's for you will okay in florida police arrested a man for pouring ketchup on his girlfriend while she slept this is not the first time he's in trouble with the law in fact he's an ex-condiment [Music] it takes time for that joke to catch up washington d.c two men were arrested for shooting an ice cream truck driver now the driver will survive because he was only shot in the drumstick and the nutty buddies [Laughter] those are two ice creams available on a truck trust me a connecticut man who's on parole was arrested for hiding heroin in his bible now he's been charged with possession and leanness into temptation a sad note a 70 year old kansas city man robbed a bank because he preferred incarceration than to continue to live with his wife the sad part she plans to visit him in prison every day that's the joys of getting older man well that's one thing we all have in common we're all aging man men and women alike man anybody celebrating the birthday by chance in here you go we got one that's cool how you doing sir you doing all right what's your name my friend ammon hammond we're going to call you jim all right that's a cool name i don't amen is you sure it's not amen that would make more sense in this state [Music] was that too far you guys can't laugh and then take the laugh back oh okay no no no no it's like an email you already mailed it all right this is fun man thanks for coming out on your birthday bro it's a cool birthday get to hang out with some cool people enjoy some laughs it's a lot better than my last birthday i went on a field trip to the gastroenterologist does anybody know what they do i didn't here's the thing they thought i had an ulcer right so in order for them to check that they had to um they put a camera of a place it's attached to 137 feet of fiber optic wiring and an air compressor i don't want to frighten anybody they don't bring the equipment to the equation to the second appointment they want to take it slow get to know you better first appointment just a regular office visit you go in there they ask a bunch of questions and the doctor throws a curve ball he's like yeah i'm gonna need a stool sample you got like a to-go cup or something doc cause right now it's not a good time for me i don't feel as gonna give you what you need at this present moment he's like no i'll take the sample it's like you'll take this but it's still inside he's like what i need you to do is lay in the table face the wall put your drawers down while he snaps on a rubber glove and he gets the sample right and then he hands you a pamphlet after i was like i don't want you pamphlet sir you just penetrated me as far as i'm concerned we're now in a relationship i'll be back at 5 30. we're going to the cracker barrel but i couldn't go back at 5 30 because you got to spend the rest of the day prepping which means you can't eat any more solid food you got to take a laxative i'm like no problem i've taken some x-lax before not a big deal oh no they give you a prescription to a laxative you know you're in trouble when you go to the pharmacist you're like hey man can you feel that yeah what flavor did you want your liquid exorcism to be it comes back with like two and a half gallons of this stuff you take it home you pound it back it tastes horrible it's got a like a weird consistency to it and then yeah and then you just wait and don't be brave don't try to make a quick trip to the walmart because your schedule has been set and it works different for everybody i didn't think it was gonna work for me waited two hours nothing happened three hours nothing so i went to sleep which in hindsight probably wasn't the smartest of ideas you have been woken up by some scary stuff right there it's the middle of the night i'm tired i'm trying to talk myself out of it it's like i was gonna layer for a little longer pinch my butt cheeks together we can do this in the mornings no you're right we'll do this right now you jump up out of bed only to find out the structural integrity of your seal had been compromised they got a waddle to the bathroom like a gingerbread man and that's where you set up base camp and i hope you know a sherpa you're gonna be there for a while i blacked out twice the second time i woke up i couldn't feel my legs i thought i went so hard i paralyzed myself but i just been sitting there so long that the circulation to my extremities was cut off i couldn't feel my legs so they fell asleep i've never been happy to feel the excruciating pain of pins and needles as i tap my feet back to consciousness basically what i'm trying to say is happy birthday amen so this is when it gets kind of sad um i started losing my hair uh very early like 7 a.m no i was 15. yeah yeah yeah yeah it's sad 15 and in high school i was esl and ibs two terrible acronyms to have simultaneously started losing my hair early man 15t my mom took me to the doctor and she goes this is what she said she goes doctor fix him [Laughter] so he gave me rogaine yeah 15 years old really just a special year it was i ran home with the road game like charlie and the chocolate factory i was so excited took it home you shake it up you have to shake it first it says like you're not embarrassed enough you got to shake this stuff so you guys shake this stuff and i spray it i spray it on and folks it worked miracles on my back and shoulders because now i'm essentially a thin brown bear is what i am like an out-of-shape bear like a very skinny bear and i wanted to play high school basketball when i was a kid freshman year in high school i wanted to try out so i showed up to the tryouts right and the coach inevitably of course he says okay boys here's what i want shirts against skins so i said please just whatever happens i don't want to make the team just please do not let me be a skin and sure enough it's one of these things where he's going sure skin he's just picking it random sure enough shirt he comes close to me sure it's good like slow motion scoot i peed from the ibs i was so nervous it's good land's right on me so i said forget i don't care whatever i want to play basketball so i reach over i take my shirt off but i did it kind of dramatically like i didn't care you know i was like just threw it off there immediately the theme song to lion king came on it was just a rhino ran across the room it was ridiculous and the coach without missing a beat he goes okay billy you go over there thomas you go over there and my hair let me get you uh oh wow is he the mascot or what's going on here i don't know [Music] i made the team though believe it or not bald and like had the u-shape you know like the use going on i had an accent that was so cute in high school just full of popularity will you go to the dance with me we take my father's taxi [Applause] that was inappropriate but um should have been an uber but the thing is i got married in mexico and my best man you think i'm harry my best man he's this lebanese guy and his suit was so tight he was you know he's living these guys that got like the nightclubs in their suit was so his suit is so tight you've seen these guys with the chest hairs coming up over the shirt have you seen these guys he's my best man okay we're exchanging vows i look over that roger's chest hair is coming up over the shirt it's getting in his face it's like it's it's moving like seaweed it's like it's like waving at people like anyway he's dead now but um great to be back i gotta tell you i've been married to my wife tammy for 33 consecutive years [Applause] thank you and when you've been with a person that long you learn to trust their instincts so when she said to me a while back you need to get diagnosed now so for what i feel fine she said that attention deficit stuff i know you got it and it's driving me insane so i said why now she goes what do you mean why now i said well if i got attention deficit i've had it for 60 years ahead of my whole life it's not a virus you can't catch it on a toilet seat it's not like you go to the bathroom in a mall and you come out two days later and you go blue i'm so distracted where did that come from i don't know so why are you bothered about it now she said because you keep telling me you'll do things around this house and you don't do them and it's driving me nuts that's not attention deficit that's passive aggressive and i've had that for 63 years but i honored my wife because that's what a man does sir that's right you do right you honor your wife i went and got diagnosed i spent an hour with a psychologist after an hour it turns out i'm not only do i have attention deficit i'm also a functioning hypochondriac functioning i'm not clinical those people are sick but this is how god protects his children it's my adhd that keeps my hypochondria functional in those days i've convinced myself i need an ambulance by the time i get to the phone to call one i'm a distracted four or five times i usually wind up in the kitchen i got a telephone i can't remember why i got a telephone and that's when i ordered the pizza my kids loved me dad's dying again really pepperoni pops and tabby tammy mocks me she does she makes we'll be laying in bed watching discovery channel with some strange new disease not four minutes into it she leans over you got it yet thinking about it well it's a natural i can have nodules i don't even know the nodule oh boy i'm feeling nauseally all of a sudden it's when the kids are yelling breadsticks shut up your punks i could die on you [Music] i i live in los angeles california and uh every new idea that comes out of there they adopted immediately and i'm a little more conservative like the new one is any man that says they're a woman immediately you must address him as a woman and i'm progressive i'm like all right but they should have to pass a test first because women have skills men don't have you can't just say i'm a woman do something a woman can do then i'll believe you right can you break into my iphone and the time i go to the bathroom and come back to the dinner table just something basic can you be totally starving but have no idea what you want to eat [Music] of you know what i'm talking about can you turn a compliment into an argument that's what i want to know it's like babe you look beautiful tonight so i didn't look beautiful last night you're good you are good you look so photogenic so i don't look beautiful in real life [Music] actually i believe there's so many things women can do better than guys women can do things like here's one example that i was at the mall with my nephew babysitting i'm just walking through the mall and a woman i didn't know pulled up a knee she goes is that your son i go no it's my nephew and she she without any hesitation she's he is adorable what's your name you are so cute marcus when you turn 18 i'm coming back for you you're a little heartbreaker save him for me and she walked away went back to shopping i challenge any man in this room any guy go to the mall just approach a woman you don't know is that your niece can i have a word with her please wow when you turn 18 i'm coming back for you save her for me that's a good one you don't get to walk out of the mall they escort you out of them i was just talking to kids that's right r kelly tell it to the judge [Applause] there's things women can do how about it's valentine's day or maybe your girl misses you and she sends you a romantic picture you're like whoa you're excited maybe it's been a long day at work ooh can't wait to get home she misses me women can send those romantic pictures but men if you send a picture of you laying in the beach rolling around in the sand bending over in a speedo when are you coming home babe you're not gonna get a positive reaction a lot of guys are getting busted for taking those romantic pictures here's what i do i turn this show into a ted talk i teach men how to take the best most seductive picture for the women in this room here's what you do guys go home get in the closet and put all your clothes on your best clothes don't take anything off put on your dress shoes dress socks dress pants belt shirt tie suit coat briefcase make it look like you're going to work if you really want to turn around let your 401k dangle out of the front of the briefcase just ever since just a little tip just a little tip and i became a comedian because of my family my family is very boisterous and funny and they're crazy they're crazy family i love my family my mom is great she speaks with an accent so when i was little it was fun to bring my friends over could be like hello kids welcome to my home that's how she says home do you want something to eat and they were like yeah of course like do you want heart dough my friend's like what is hard dough i'm like that's how she says hot dog [Music] people come over the house like listen if you have like a phone or a computer you can use it all over the house we have high five all over the house i love my mom she speaks great english she doesn't understand like american phrases american phrases kind of you know they confuse her sometimes we had construction on the house once she worked walked in on a room with a guy building something she didn't pay for like excuse me i did not pay for that what is that and the guy was like oh you know what i'm sorry ma'am i got a why hair up my butt on that one my mom's like well i did not need to know that but now that i do why don't you shave it he's 20 20. [Music] i have a crazy mom and the thing is if you have a crazy mom you don't know it when you're little because when you're little you just assume that what your mom is doing to you is what all the other moms are doing you're like this must be normal then you get old enough to start comparing notes with other people and then you're like none of that was normal [Music] that is how therapy started happening i was 19. i was at a house party we're sitting around comparing home remedies one guy's like one time i had 104 fever my mom dropped me in a bathtub full of ice we were all like oh that's pretty bad and i was like oh you know what's worse remember when you get to stomach flu and your mom's put in the suppositories you guys remember [Music] they all looked at me like you i know my mom gave me soup [Music] and i was confused like how'd she get soup in there seems worse tell you what though i never went home sick from school no i could be puking blood jose you want to go home no please don't send me home she's gonna put a cough drop in my butt please just let me stay here but you're puking blood that's what i do when i'm happy i love fractions and i love my big family i love it um but i don't have any i don't have any children i know which is weird i'm 42 latino no kids but my family i'm like a unicorn i think i have magical powers uh but i've discovered this if you don't have kids people with kids do not want your advice on raising kids even when it sounds like they want advice like he's struggling in math i don't know what to do you know what you could do you know you could do jose is shut your mouth do you just sleep in your bed all night long with no one interrupting [Music] you and that's when i pull out my trump card whenever they say like oh yeah after the age of seven i always do what i was told never talk back to my mother never got reprimanded you hear that silence all those parents like what did your mom do i'll tell you what she did she killed a chicken in front of me using only this hand that is what the kids call a gangsta she didn't warn me either we're in the backyard she's petting the chicken that i'd named freddy in hindsight that was a mistake like baby we're going to have chicken tonight and i was like i love chicken mommy and then she spreads her feet like she's going to do kempo karate without looking grabs about the throat starts spinning it like a nunchuck making eye contact with me the whole time like a psychopath chicken's making weird noises and then the head popped off the chicken and that's when i discovered chickens got a weird nervous system you can take the head off a chicken and the body doesn't realize it right away you know how i know that cause that chicken body hit the ground and tried to walk it off like it had a chicken charlie horse or something it was and it couldn't make any noise so it was like the scariest silent movie of all time that chicken body hit the garlic and i'm like stop dropping roll freddy i didn't know what to do 45 seconds it ran around then you could be like you're right i'm not okay so again i am seven years old i am petrified i look up my mom she's got a dead chicken head in her hand she's got blood on her cheek feathers are falling leans in says the scariest thing i've ever heard in my life she goes pretty cool i'm gonna go clean my room now i'm gonna clean my room i can clean the whole house i'm already cleaning might as well clean the whole you guys are wanting to paint the house i can paint that i'm only seven but i'll find a way maybe i'll just apply for college and get out of this house because you're a scary person

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,449,975

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Top 10, Top 10 Dry Bar Comedy, Top 10 COmedy, Top 10 Comedians, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Best Comedy 2021, Comedy of 2021, Most Watched Comedy specials, Most Watched Dry Bar Comedy, DBC, 2021, Funny

Id: 8KtTnapUioU

Length: 41min 5sec (2465 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 30 2021