♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BARK EVERYBODY. ONE OF THE BEST THINGS ABOUT
DOING THIS SHOW IS GETTING TO TALK TO ALL SORTS OF FASCINATING
PEOPLE. IT'S WAY MORE FUN THAN YELLING
INTERVIEW QUESTIONS OUT MY WINDOW AT STRANGERS. BUT LATELY, I'VE FOUND MYSELF
CRAVING A DEEPER CONNECTION THAN YOU GET FROM MOST CELEBRITY
INTERVIEWS, LESS "TELL ME ABOUT YOUR LATEST PROJECT" AND MORE
"TELL ME HOW YOUR ADULT SELF WOULD BE A DISAPPOINTMENT TO YOU
AS A CHILD." BY THE WAY, DON'T GET ME
STARTED. WHICH IS WHY, WE HERE AT "A LATE
SHOW," HAVE BEEN CAREFULLY CRAFTING A SET OF QUESTIONS
SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED TO DIG DEEP AND REVEAL MY GUEST'S
TRUEST SELF. QUESTIONNAIRE." AND IN ONLY 15 QUESTIONS, IT
COVERS THE FULL SPECTRUM OF THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE, EVERYTHING
FROM SPIRITUALITY AND THE NATURE OF FEAR, TO IMPORTANT STUFF LIKE
SANDWICHES. AND SO I WANTED TO KICK IT OFF
BY ADMINISTERING THIS SCIENTIFICALLY-INVALID TEST TO
A FEW SCIENTIFICALLY-PROVEN CELEBRITIES. I MEAN, NOBODY THAT BIG: YOUR
HANKS, YOUR STREEPS, YOUR CLOONEYS. FIRST UP, TOM HANKS. BUT BEFORE WE GOT TO THE
QUESTIONNAIRE, I ASKED TOM TO DISCUSS HOW HE REALLY FEELS
ABOUT CELEBRITY INTERVIEWS. TOM, THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE YET AGAIN. I'M SURPRISED YOUR HAIR HASN'T
GROWN OUT. >> WELL, EVERY DAY IT GETS A
LITTLE BETTER. >> Stephen: I WANT TO TAKE A
LITTLE SIDESTEP RIGHT HERE. I DON'T KNOW-- ARE YOU A DICK
CAVETT FAN? DID YOU WATCH--
>> I GREW UP WATCHING DICK CAVETT. YOU BET. >> Stephen: I LIKE TO WATCH
DICK EVERY SO OFTEN. I'VE GOTTEN TO KNOW HIM OVER THE
YEARS. I THINK HE'S A GREAT MODEL FOR
INTERVIEWING AND I JUST WATCHED AN INTERVIEW HE DID WITH LEE
MARVIN, AND I WANT TO ASK YOU A QUESTION HE ASKED LEE MARVIN. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT
INTERVIEWS? YOU'RE THE BEST AT THEM, TOM. EVERYBODY-- IT'S PROVERBIAL IN
LATE NIGHT THAT EVERYBODY WANTS TO SEE THE WORD "HANKS" ON THEIR
BOARD. OKAY, I DON'T HAVE TO DO
ANYTHING TONIGHT. TOM HANKS WILL BE HERE. EVERYTHING IS UP THERE ON THE
SCREEN. THAT'S HOW YOU TRAINED YOURSELF. DOES IT EVER BOTHER YOU THAT YOU
HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THE THING YOU SPENT ALL THE TIME MAKING. "JUST GO SEE THE MOVIE. WHY DO I HAVE TO TELL
EVERYBODY?" >> I WISH I HAD THE INTIMIDATION
FACTOR LEE MARVIN HAD. DON'T YOU THINK DICK CAVETT WAS
A LITTLE AFRAID THAT LEE MARVIN WOULD LOOSEN HIS TIE AND KICK
HIS BUTT RIGHT THERE ON TV? >> Stephen: I THINK HE WAS
SMOKING CAMEL STRAIGHTS THE WHOLE TIME, TOO. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
>> DID HE-- DID HE SIT IN THE CHAIR LIKE THIS WITH A CIGARETTE
ON IT? YOU KNOW, I SAW HIM-- I SAW HIM
ON "THE JOHNNY CARSON SHOW" MANY, MANY YEARS AGO, AND JOHNNY
CARSON SAID-- NOT TO MIX UP-- I'M ON "STEPHEN COLBERT" WE'RE
TALKING ABOUT DICK CAVETT AND I'M PULLING UP A JOHNNY CARSON. >> Stephen: WHO HE WROTE FOR. >> AND THE JERRY LEWIS SHOW
BRIEFLY. ANYWAY, LEE MARVIN SAID-- DICK
CAVETT-- JIMMY FALL-- NO. JOHNNY CARSON SAID TO LEE MARVIN
"YOU'RE A WAR HERO. YOU GOT A MEDAL. YOU GOT A MEDAL IN WORLD WAR
II." HE SAID, JOHNNY, I I WAS NOT A
WAR MERO. I GOT SHOT IN THE ASS. AND I WAS SITTING THERE BLEEDING
I LOOKED DOWN ON THE BEACH AND I SAW A WAR HERO. I SAW A WAR HERO. I SAW A BEACH MASTER THAT WAS
GUIDING AND LANDING CRAFT WITH RED FLAGS UNDER ENEMY FIRE ON
THE BEACH AT IWO JIMA. THAT MAN WAS A WAR HERO, AND
THAT MAN WAS SERGEANT BOB QUICHEAM. YOU KNOW WHO BOB KESHAM IS. >> Stephen: CAPTAIN KANGAROO. THE GUY WE GREW UP WITH AS
CAPTAIN KANGAROO GREW UP GUIDING IN LANDING CRAFT DURING THE
INVASION OF IWO JIMA. >> Stephen: HOLY COW. >> IF I WAS GOING TO BE ON "THE
DICK CAVETT SHOW" WITH HIM, YOU KNOW, LIKE IF WE WERE ALL ON THE
SAME -- >> Stephen: SURE. >> THE QUESTION ABOUT IWO JIMA
WOULD BE THE THIRD THING I WOULD ASK HIM. BECAUSE I'D ACTUALLY LIKE TO
KNOW FIRST WHO WAS THE VOICE OF MR. MOOSE. AND, REALLY, COULD GRANDFATHER
CLOCK ACTUALLY TALK LIKE THAT? THOSE WOULD BE THE QUESTIONS I'D
-- >> Stephen: THE QUESTION I
WOULD ASK IS, "WHEN THE TRAIN CAME AROUND PAST THE SILO FULL
OF RICE KRISPIES WHY DIDN'T IT FILL IT UP EVERY TIME." THAT'S WHAT I WAS WAITING FOR
EVERY DAY BEFORE GOING TO SCHOOL. >> WE NEEDED TO HAVE MYSTERIES. OTHERWISE WE WOULD HAVE GROWN UP
THINKING THERE WERE SIMPLE ANSWERS TO ALL OF LIFE'S PROBLEM
S. >> Stephen: I'D LOVE TO ASK
YOU A MILLION QUESTIONS, BUT I CAN'T, SO I DISTILLED EVERYTHING
POSSIBLY WORTH KNOWING ABOUT A PERSON DOWN TO 15 SIMPLE
QUESTIONS. TOM HANKS, ARE YOU READY FOR THE
"COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE?" >> HIT IT. ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: TOM HANKS, WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH? >> HAM-- HAM ON SWISS, NO
TOMATO, LETTUCE AND MUSTARD. >> Stephen: WHAT'S ONE THING
THAT YOU OWN THAT YOU REALLY SHOULD THROW OUT? >> UH, UH... >> Stephen: ONE OF THOSE TYPE
WRITERS? BECAUSE YOU HAVE TWO. I HAPPEN TO KNOW YOU HAVE TWO
RIGHT NOW. >> HELL NO! HELL NO! YOU NEVER THROW OUT A TYPE
WRITER. I HAVE SOOCH STATIONARY. >> Stephen: WHAT'S THE
SCARIEST ANIMAL, TOM? >> THAT WOULD BE A TYPE OF WORM
THAT LIVES IN THE SAND OF THE BEACHES OF AUSTRALIA. I'LL SEND YOU A PICTURE. IT WILL HAUNT YOUR DREAM S. >> Stephen: WHAT HAPPENS? >> WELL, THEY'RE THESE THINGS
AND THEY COME UP AND THEY HAVE THESE HEADS THAT IF YOU LOOK AT
THEM CLOSE, THEY HONESTLY LOOK LIKE SOMETHING THAT THE
MANDALORIN HAD TO FLEE FROM. >> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES? >> I'M GOING TO GO WITH ORANGES. >> Stephen: YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T
PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON AN OWNER, RIGHT? YOU CAN PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON A
SLICE OF APPLE. >> THAT'S NOT WHY I EAT FRUIT. I DON'T VIEW FRUIT AS A PEANUT
BUTTER DELIVERY SYSTEM. >> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER
ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR AUTOGRAPH? >> YES. >> Stephen: WOULD YOU MIND
SHARING WHO THAT IS? >> IT WAS-- I THOUGHT-- THE VERY
FIRST TIME I EVER WENT TO A BASEBALL GAME WHEN I WAS SEVEN
YEARS OLD, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE VERY EASY JUST TO GO DOWN TO THE
GIANTS' CLUBHOUSE IN CANDLESTICK PARK, EXPLAIN TO EVERYBODY
AROUND ME THAT I WANTED WILLIE MAYS' AUTOGRAPH, AND I JUST
CRAWLED OUT TO THE EDGE AND STUCK MY HEAD OVER THE SIDE AND
WAVED A PIECE OF PAPER AND A PEN WILLIE MAZE WOULD BE, "OF COURSE
KID," DURING THE GAME. I HAD SEEN TOO MANY TV SHOWS
WHERE-- AND WE WEREN'T ALLOWED EVEN UP CLOSE. I DIDN'T GET THE AUTOGRAPH, BUT
I WANTED IT. >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK
HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE? >> I THINK WE GET TO RACE
AUTOMOBILES. I THINK WE GET TO PUT ON CRASH
HELMETS AND BEAT A.J. FOYT. >> Stephen: FAVORITE ACTION
MOVIE. >> "THE DIRTY DOZEN." >> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT LEE
MARVIN WAS TALKING TO CAVETT ABOUT, "THE DIRTY DOZEN." I'M NOT ( BLEEP ) YOU. THAT'S WHAT MARVIN WAS TALKING
ABOUT IN THE INTERVIEW. CAVETT SAID, "YOU WERE IN WAR. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE
DEPICTION OF WAR IN MOVIES? SOME PEOPLE SAY 'THE DIRTY
DOZEN'." THAT GIVES YOU A SNAPSHOT INTO
THE 60s. SOME PEOPLE THOUGHT THAT
GALORIFIED WAR IN A WAY THAT REALLY SHOULDN'T BE SORT OF
ADVERTISED ON THE SCREEN. AND HE SAID, "NAH, I DON'T THINK
SO" HE GOES, "FILM IS REALLY ABOUT
PUTTING THE TEAM TOGETHER AND THE TRAINING THAT WE DID,
PARACHUTING INTO THE-- INTO THE CASTLE OR THE PALACE, OR
WHATEVER IT WAS. AND ALL OF THAT WAS THE SECOND
HALF THAT WE PAID OFF SO THE AUDIENCE COULD ENJOY THE FIRST
HALF BECAUSE THEY KNEW THAT WAS COMING. >> IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO KILL
NAZIS, DICK. I ALWAYS FIND THAT A GOOD SOURCE
OF FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT. >> Stephen: EXACTLY. >> I SAW-- I SAW "THE DIRTY
DOZEN" ON A BLACK AND WHITE TV WITH COMMERCIALS ON IT, AND YOU
COULD NOT HAVE CONVINCED ME THAT IT WAS NOT THE GREATEST MOTION
PICTURE EVER MADE. >> Stephen: PRETTY GOOD MOVIE. PRETTY GOOD MOVIE. >> GOOD MOVIE. >> Stephen: YEAH IT'S-- YOU
KNOW, NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THE REAL THING. THAT'S WHAT HE SAID. >> HOW ABOUT THAT? >> Stephen: HE GOES, "NOBODY
WANTS TO GO TO A NEWS REEL." FAVORITE SMELL. >> VANILLA. >> Stephen: EXERCISE, WORTH
IT? >> YES. >> Stephen: FLAT--
>> YOU TELL-- YOU TELL ME. >> Stephen: COME ON, MAN. >> LET ME TIGHTEN MY SWEATER. CHECK OUT-- CHECK OUT THIS
TRUNK. COME ON. LOOK AT THAT TRUNK! >> Stephen: WOW, FOR A MAN OF
YOUR HEIGHT. >> IT'S THE CORE, BABY, IT'S THE
CORE. >> Stephen: FLAT OR SPARKLING? >> SPARKLING. >> Stephen: LET'S HAVE A
PARTY. MOST-USED APP ON YOUR PHONE. >> I'M GOING TO SAY THE CAMERA. BECAUSE I-- I GOT RID OF A BUNCH
OF APPS. >> Stephen: DOES THAT QUALIFY
AS AN APP? >> IS THAT AN APP. >> Stephen: THAT IS A
CAPABILITY ON YOUR PHONE, NOT AN APP. >> I WILL GO TO TUNE IN RADIO
BECAUSE YOU CAN LISTEN TO ANY RADIO STATION IN THE WORLD. >> Stephen: DIG IT. YOU GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT IS IT? >> I'M GOING TO SAY "OUR LIPS
ARE SEALED" BY THE GO GO OS <i> ( LAUGHTER ).</i> WHAT DID YOU DO?>> YOU DID NOTHI
BUT I'M GOING TO IMAGINE THAT FOREVER. ♪ ♪ ♪
CAN YOU HEAR THEM TALKING ABOUT US
TELLING LIES THAT'S NOT SURPRISE. CAN YOU LOOK AT THEM, LOOK RIGHT
THROUGH THEM NOTHING CAN BE REVEALED. DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THEY SAY IN
THE JEALOUS GAMES PEOPLE PLAY. OUR LIPS ARE SEALED. >> Stephen: I'LL GO FOR
ETERNITY. WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF? >> SIX. >> Stephen: NO. DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
IN FIVE WORDS. >> MAGNIFICENT, CAVALCADE OF
COLOR. >> Stephen: TOM HANKS,
EVERYBODY. NOW YOU KNOW HIM. THANK YOU, TOM. THANKS AGAIN, TOM! WHEN WE COME
BACK, I'LL ASK WHAT MERYL STREEP ASKED A FORMER PRESIDENT TO
AUTOGRAPH.
