>> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY! JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN RIGHT
THERE. THANK YOU, JON, THAT WAS
BEAUTIFUL. THAT WAS LOVELY IT'S NO SECRET,
IT'S NO SECRET I'VE GOT THE BEST BAND ON TELEVISION. BUT TONIGHT, YOU ALL SOUND JUST,
LIKE, A LITTLE EXTRA SPECIAL. WHAT IS THE MAGIC INGREDIENT
TONIGHT. WELL, WE'VE ADDED A LITTLE MAC
DeMARCO. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: MAC, HI, MAC. THANKS FOR BEING HERE. >> THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR
HAVING ME. GOD BLESS YOU. >> Stephen: YEAH, WE CUT OFF
YOUR MIC, BECAUSE WE LIKE TO HEAR ME TALK. MAC'S GOT A NEW ALBUM CALLED
"THIS OLD DOG" CAME OUT EARLIER THIS YEAR. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE, MAC. NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY
FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS A GREAT BIG MOVIE STAR. PLEASE WELCOME TOM HANKS! ♪ ♪ ♪<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> <i>( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> THANK YOU.</i> THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU. STEVE, STEVE, YOUR EYESIGHT
ALWAYS REQUIRED GRASSES, RIGHT. >> Stephen: SINCE ABOUT 14 ON. >> SEE, I'VE COME LATE TO THE
GLASS THING. I'VE HAD SO MANY IN MY POCKET--
READING GLASSES, BY AND LARGE. >> Stephen: SURE, SURE. >> BUT I JUST DECIDE, SCREW IT,
MAN, I'M JUST GOING TO GO -- >> Stephen: VERY
DISTINGUISHED. >> THANK YOU. NOT ONLY-- NOT AM I ONLY AN
ACTOR, BUT I'M ALSO A MILD-MANNERED REPORTER FOR A
GREAT ME METROPOLITAN NEWSPAPER. LAUGH. >> Stephen: TOM, HAPPY
HOLIDAYS. >> THANK YOU. >> Stephen: MERRY CHRISTMAS. >> MERRY CHRISTMAS. HAPPY HANUKKAH. >> Stephen: HAPPY KWANZAA. ALL THE GOOD STUFF. >> HAPPY HOLIDAY S. >> Stephen: ARE YOU GOING TO
BE HOME WITH YOUR LOVELY WIFE, REET AFOR THE HOLIDAYS? >> YES, WE WILL HAVE OUR
TRADITIONAL TRINSLE WAR WHICH WE ALWAYS HAD. >> Stephen: WHAT'S THE TINSEL
WAR. >> HERE'S THE THING, I GREW UP
WITH A CHRISTMAS DECORATION SCHEME BY WAY OF WOOLWORTH'S,
THE FIVE AND DIME-- MORE SHINY OBJECTS ON THE TREE, THE BETTER. MY WIFE GREW UP IN A HOUSEHOLD
WHERE THE KIDS WERE NOT ALLOWED TO DECORATE THE TREE. HER MOM DID TWHILE THEY WERE AT
SCHOOL. THEY WOULD COME HOME AND IT
WOULD BE ALL DONE. AND SHE WOULD SAY, "HONEY, YOU
WON'T DO IT GOOD, SO I HAVE TO DO IT." SO RITA HAS THIS THING ABOUT
DECORATING THE TREE. AND MY THING HAD ALWAYS BEEN
TINSEL, OLD-SCHOOL TINSEL. >> Stephen: THE INDIVIDUAL
STRANDS. >> THE ICICLE STUFF. BUT REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE KIDS,
BEFORE I NEEDED GLASSES, IT WAS MADE OUT OF LITERALLY A TOXIC
SUBSTANCE. >> Stephen: SURE, SURE<i>
( LAUGHTER ).</i> >> IT SHOULD HAVE HAD, "DO NOT
USE HANDS TO DECORATE YOUR TREE WITH THIS." >> Stephen: IT WAS DEVELOPED
AT LOS ALAMOS. >> YES. HAD A HALF-LIFE AND IT WAS A
CARCINOGEN, YOU COULD GET DIABETES FROM IT. <i>( LAUGHTER )
IT GAVE YOU ZITS.</i> IT WAS REALLY BAD STUFF. >> Stephen: AND DELICIOUS. >> AND IT TASTED GOOD. >> Stephen: YEAH. >> TASTED LIKE CHRISTMAS. YOU KNOW? IT REALLY DID. AND I-- I-- WHEN WE ALL-- I
ALWAYS PUT TINSEL ON THE TREE, EVEN THOUGH NOW --
>> Stephen: DO YOU DO STRANDS OR DO YOU JUSTING CHUCK IT? >> WELL, NOW, YOU CAN ONLY CHUCK
IT BECAUSE IT'S NOT THE SAME CARCINOGEN IT HAD BEEN. IT'S NOT THE SAME CONTROLLED
SUBSTANCE. IT'S STRANDS OF MYLAR THAT ARE
SUSCEPTIBLE TO STATIC ELECTRICITY IN THE AIR AND YOU
CAN'T GET IT TO DRAPE OVER THE BRANCHES. IT'S LIKE A SERIES OF RATS'
NESTS THAT COLLECT ON IT. WE ALWAYS SAY-- THIS YEAR-- WE
ALTERNATE THE YEARS. THERE ARE SOME YEARS THEY-- I--
IS THIS AN ODD-NUMBERED YEAR? >> Stephen: IT IS, YEAH. >> I THINK IN EVEN-NUMBERED
YEARS-- I CAN'T REMEMBER-- BUT I GET TINSEL ON THE TREE. >> Stephen: YES. >> AND IT'S-- WE NEGOTIATE IT,
BUT I HAVE A FEELING WHAT HAS HAPPENED IS, IS EVERY YEAR, RITA
CONVINCES ME THAT LAST YEAR WE HAD TINSEL ON THE TREE. <i>( LAUGHTER )
SO WE-- WE DO NOT-- I THINK</i> WE'RE NOT GOING TO HAVE TINSEL
ON THE TREE <i>( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).</i> >> Stephen: SHE'S COUNTING ON
THIS SLIPPING. >> AND I AM-- I-- I START
FIGHTING, BUT THEN I "HONESTLY, HONE, I DON'T REMEMBER, OKAY, NO
TINSEL ON THE TREE." >> Stephen: THEN YOU HAVE A
HAPPY CHRISTMAS. DO YOU PUT THE LIGHTS ON
YOURSELF. >> I DIDN'T THIS YEAR. >> Stephen: DO YOU PUT THEM
TOP TO THE BOTTOM OR BOTTOM TO THE TOP. >> YOU HAVE TO START FROM THE
TOP. >> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT I SAY. MY WIFE SAYS GO BOTTOM TO THE
TOP. >> THAT'S NUTS. DO YOU HAVE MULTICOLORED LIGHTS
OR WHITE LIGHTS. >> Stephen: MULTICOLORED. >> OH, INTEREST EXPWRG. >> Stephen: WHAT! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? >> I JUST THINK IT CUTS DOWN ON
THE-- ON THE-- LOOK, I LIKE THEM TO FLASH. DO YOU HAVE THE FLASHING LIGHTS
AT LEAST? >> Stephen: THAT'S INSANE! FLASHING LIGHTS? WE'RE NOT LANDING A PLANE. <i>( LAUGHTER )
WE'RE TRYING TO GET SANTA TO</i> STOP BY. I GUESS THAT WOULD BE--
>> IF YOU HAVE MULTICOLORED LIGHTS THAT YOU'RE NOT REALLY
SURE WHAT COLOR THE DECORATIONS ARE, BLASE BLUE ONE WILL BE
RIGHT FIXTURE TO A GOLD BULB, AND YOU'LL SAY IT'S A GOLD BULB,
IT'S A BLUE BULB. I DON'T KNOW WHAT COLOR IT IS. >> Stephen: ARE YOU SAYING YOU
COORDINATE YOUR LIGHTS AND YOUR BULBS? >> ABSOLUTELY, SIR. >> Stephen: THEY HAVE MEDICINE
FOR THAT NOW! <i>( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LOOK, IF YOU WANT--</i> >> IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE
BEAUTY OF A SYMMETRICALLY DESIGNED AND DECORATED CHRISTMAS
TREERK GET OFF MY SHOW. <i>( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> >> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND! >> OH, WAIT A MINUTE. >> Stephen: SORRY, IT JUST--
YOU HAVE SUCH AUTHORITY. AND AS WELL YOU SHOULD. GOLDEN GLOBE NOD YESTERDAY. GOLDEN GLOBE, CONGRATULATIONS ON
THAT. >> THANK YOU. >> Stephen: AND YOU HAVE THE
OSCARS, YOU HAVE THE EMMIES, YOU HAVE THE GRAMMYS, YOU HAVE THE
EVERYTHING. YOU HAVE MAYBE THE CLASSIEST
SOUNDING, THE MOST HIGH-STATUS AWARD I CAN IMAGINE-- AND YOU
ALREADY HAVE THE KENNEDY CENTERS AWARD, THE RAINBOW SUSPUNDERS. BUT YOU GOT THIS YESTERDAY-- CAN
YOU EXPLAIN? >> THIS IS-- THIS IS GIVEN OUT
BY THE NATIONAL... >> Stephen: ARCHIVES. >> ARCHIVES FOUNDATION. >> Stephen: YOU DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHO GAVE IT TO YOU! >> TO ME IT WAS DINNER WITH KEN
BURNS. THAT WAS DOCUMENTARI DOCUMENTARI
BURNS. WE HAD A GREAT DINNER, BUT THE
TRUE GREAT THING ABOUT IT-- IF YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO WASHINGTON,
D.C., YOU MIGHT NOT REALIZE IT, IF YOU GO TO THE NATIONAL
ARCHIVES BUILDING THEY HAVE A FANTASTIC ARRAY OF ARTIFACTS AND
DOCUMENTS THAT YOU REALLY, REALLY QUITE CAN'T BELIEVE. INCLUDING THE CONSTITUTION-- NOT
THAT. THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED
STATES. THEY HAVE THE ACTUAL-- LIKE,
THIS WAS WRITTEN DOWN INK ON PARCHMENT, CONSTITUTION OF THE
UNITED STATES. >> Stephen: WOW. >> AND THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB IN
OUR NATION, I BELIEVE, IS ONE OF THE TWO OUT-OF-SHAPE BORED COPS
WHO STAND RIGHT NEXT TO THAT. <i>( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE THEY STAND THERE ALL</i> DAY... YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'RE
DOING? THEY'RE PRESERVING, PROTECTING,
AND DEFENDING THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES. <i>( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEY HAVE DONE A HELL OF A JOB!</i> >> Stephen: WOW. >> BECAUSE --
>> Stephen: DO YOU GET TO TOUCH IT OR ANYTHING? >> IT'S BEHIND GLASS. YOU CAN LEAN OVER IT. AND THEY DON'T EVEN ALLOW
PHOTOGRAPHS OF IT. YOU HAVE TO BUY A $60 REPLICA OF
THE GIFT SHOP IN ORDER TO KNOW WHAT YOUR RIGHTS ARE AS AN
AMERICAN. >> StepheWE THE PEOPLE OF THE
UNITED STATES IN ORDER TO FORM A--
>> TO PROVIDE FOR THE COMMON DEFENSE AND PROMOTE THE GENERAL
WELFARE, DO HEREBY-- GUARANTEE THESE-- ASSURE THESE --
>> Stephen: FOR OURSELVES AND OUR POSTERITY TO HEREBY ORDAIN
AND DECLARE-- >> ESTABLISH AS PRESIDENT--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT WAS THE FIRST
DRAFT. THAT WAS THE FIRST DRAFT. >> WERE YOU READING THE SAME
CONSTITUTION THAT I WAS? >> Stephen: YEAH. >> OR WERE YOU DOWNSTAIRS WITH
THE MAGNA CARTA? YOU TELL ME. >> Stephen: MY LAT SIN PRETTY
GOOD. >> UNDERSTAND, THIS IS THE
ARCHIVE. THEY HAVE THE RECORDES OF
EVERYTHING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IN AMERICA. AND WHILE I WAS THERE, THEY
PULLED THIS OUT FOR ME -- >> Stephen: THIS IS FANTASTIC. >> THIS ALMOST MADE ME CRY. >> Stephen: WHO IS THIS
GENTLEMAN? >> YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS? MY DAD, ON HIS 18th BIRTHDAY
1942. THAT IS HIMSELF JOINING THE NAVY
JUST A FEW MONTHS AFTER PEARL HARBOR. HE JOINED THE NAVY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OR AS-- OR AS HE IS KNOWN IN THE FAMILY AS "OLD 779159." THAT'S WHAT OUR NICKNAME WAS FOR
HIM. >> Stephen: HE LOOKS EYE GOTTA
SAY, HE LOOKS TOUGH. >> I HAD NO IDEA MY DAD WAS AS
BAD-ASS AS HE WAS. WOULD YOU-- WOULD YOU MESS WITH
THAT GUY? >> Stephen: NO. >> I DON'T THINK SO. >> Stephen: THIS IS HOW WE WON
THE WAR. >> THEY SHOULD HAVE JUST
PUBLISHED THAT PICTURE IN 1942 AND WE WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO GO
TO IWO JIMA. >> Stephen: HEROIC, HEROIC
UNIBROW. <i>( LAUGHTER ).</i> >> CAN WE SEE IT UP CLOSE? CAN WE SEE A SHOT. >> Stephen: LOOK AT THAT. >> I GUESS SO. >> Stephen: I ASSUME YOU
PLUCK. >> ACTUALLY, PEOPLE PLUCK FOR
ME. >> Stephen: YOU'RE TOM HANKS,
OF COURSE, YOU ARE. >> I HAVE A STAFF. MY CRACK STAFF. >> Stephen: WELL, WE'LL BE
RIGHT BACK WITH MORE TOM HANKS. STICK AROUND.
