♪♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK. YOU KNOW, ONE OF THE BEST THINGS
ABOUT DOING THIS SHOW IS GETTING TO
TALK TO ALL SORTS OF FASCINATING PEOPLE. BUT IT'S HARD TO FULLY EXPLORE A
GUEST'S PSYCHE IN JUST TEN MINUTES OVER ZOOM. WHICH IS WHY WE HERE AT THE LATE
SHOW CREATED "THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT." IT'S A SERIES OF 15 QUESTIONS
SCIENTIFICALLY CALIBRATED TO REVEAL A PERSON'S TRUEST SELF:
EVERYTHING FROM YOUR PRIMAL FEARS TO YOUR FAVORITE SANDWICH
TO THE SANDWICH YOU'RE MOST AFRAID OF. AND I RECENTLY HAD THE PLEASURE
OF ADMINISTERING THE QUESTIONERT TO HOLLYWOOD LEGEND BILLY
CRYSTAL. FORGET "WHEN HARRY MET SALLY"--
THIS IS "WHEN HARRY MET BILLY." ♪♪♪
BILLY CRYSTAL, LOVELY TO HAVE YOU HERE. ALWAYS ENJOY. AS I'VE ALWAYS SAID, A VACATION
TO TALK TO YOU. ONE TO HAVE THE PROBLEMS WITH
THESE JOBS IS YOU GET TO MEET A LOT OF PEOPLE, BUT IT'S HARD TO
PLUNGE THE DEPTHS AND REVEAL THE SOUL OF THE PEOPLE YOU'RE
TALKING TO BUT I HAVE COME UP WITH A FOOLPROOF QUESTION QUESTI
ON FUNK AND WAG NAIL'S POMP. SINCE NOON TODAY, I'LL ASK YOU
THESE 15 QUESTIONS. BILLY CRYSTAL, WHAT IS THE BEST
SANDWICH? >> PRESIDENT BUSH, JELLY, WHITE
BREAD. >> Stephen: SIMPLE, CLASSY, I
LIKE IT. WHAT'S THE ONE THING THAT YOU
OWN THAT YOU REALLY SHOULD THROW OUT? >> HMM... OH... I GUESS MY BELL BOTTOMS. >> Stephen: DO YOU ACTUALLY
HAVE BELL BOTTOMS? >> YEAH, I KEEP A LOT OF STUFF. >> Stephen: WHAT'S THE
SCARIEST ANIMAL? >> THE SPITTING COBRA. >> Stephen: BECAUSE IT'S RUDE? NO, BECAUSE IT'S WEIRD. YOU KNOW, IT STANDS UP AND IT
SPITS AND IF IT GETS IN YOUR EYES, YOU'RE BLIND, THEN IT
KILLS. BUT, YEAH, IT'S ANY KIND OF
SNAKE. WE HAD A RATTLESNAKE HERE NOT
LONG AGO IN THE FRONT YARD, AND IT WAS REALLY TERRIFYING. SO, YEAH. >> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES? OH, APPLES. >> Stephen: OF COURSE. YOU CAN PUT PRESID PEANUT BUTTER
SLICE OF APPLE. >> YEAH. >> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER
ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR AUTOGRAPH? >> OH, I STILL DO. >> Stephen: WHO'S THE LAST
PERSON YOU ASKED? DO YOU HAVE ONE THAT COMES TO
MIND, EVEN IF IT'S NOT THE EXACT LAST? >> THIS WAS INTERESTING. I WAS AT A CLEVELAND
INDIANS/NEW YORK YANKEES PLAYOFF GAME AND I SAT NEXT TO A MAN
NAMED LARRY DOBIE. LARRY DOBIE WAS THE FIRST
AFRICAN-AMERICAN TO PLAY IN THE AMERICAN LEAGUE, WHEN JACKIE
ROBINSON BROKE THE BARRIER WITH THE DODGERS, OF COURSE, LARRY
DOBIE WAS BASICALLY BUZZ ALDRIN, WAS THE SECOND, AND HE PLAYED
WITH THE CLEVELAND INDIANS. I HAPPENED TO SIT NEXT TO HIM. HE'S A VERY DISTINGUISHED MAN. I ASKED HIM TO SIGN A BALL AND
HE DID. VERY LOVELY. >> Stephen: HANK AARON, YOU
HAVE BASEBALL PLAYERS. >> I HAVE SO MANY. IT'S A BIG PASSION OF MINE. >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK
HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE? >> WE GO INTO SYNDICATION. >> Stephen: FAVORITE ACTION
MOVIE? >> RAIDERS"RAIDERS OF THE LOST A
>> Stephen: I'M GOING TO GO WITH YOU ON THAT ONE BECAUSE
THERE'S NOTHING LIKE MELTING NAZIS. ( LAUGHTER )
DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE SMELL? >> YES, MY NEWBORN BABIES. >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A LOT
OF THOSE? SMELL DOESN'T LAST VERY LONG. YOU'VE GOT TO GET FRESH ONES ALL
THE TIME. >> WHEN THEY WERE LITTLE,
NOTHING LIKE THE BABY SMELL. >> Stephen: TOP TO HAVE THE
HEAD. LEAST FAVORITE SMELL. >> MY NEWBORN BABIES. >> Stephen: GOT IT, THE OTHER
END. >> YEAH. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: EXEFER SIZE, IS IT WORTH IT? >> SURE, ABSOLUTELY. >> Stephen: EVERY SINGLE
PERSON I'VE ASKED THIS QUESTION HAS LIED. OKAY. FLAT OR SPARKLING? >> SPARKLING. >> Stephen: LET'S HAVE A
PARTY. MOST USED APP ON YOUR PHONE? >> THERE'S TWO -- WELL, ALL
RIGHT, CALM. >> Stephen: OH, THAT'S NICE. DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE -- IT
PLAYS SOUNDS, RIGHT? >> THERE ARE SAYINGS, THERE IS
MUSIC. I JUST STARTED THIS DURING THIS
HORRIBLE TIME. JUST, LIKE, OOOH, WHAT IS THIS,
AND I JUST PUT IT ON FOR A LITTLE BIT. >> Stephen: YOU GET TO LISTEN
TO ONE SONG FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT IS IT? >> WELL, WE WOULD JUST -- WE
JUST HAD OUR 50th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY. >> Stephen: MAZEL TOV. THANK YOU. AND THE SONG WE DANCED TO IS A
SONG CALLED "THAT'S ALL," RECORDED BY NAT KING COLE. ♪ I CAN ONLY GIVE YOU LOVE THAT
LASTS FOREVER ♪ ♪ AND THE PROMISE TO BE NEAR
EACH TIME YOU CALL ♪ ♪ AND A LOVE WHO'S BURNING
BRIGHT CAN WARM A WINTER'S NIGHT ♪
♪ THAT'S ALL ♪ >> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I
THINKING OF. ♪ I CAN ONLY GIVE YOU WALKS IN
SPRINGTIME AND A HAND TO HOLD WHEN LEAVES BEGIN TO FALL. >> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I
THINKING OF? >> SEVEN. >> Stephen: NO. DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
IN FIVE WORDS. >> SEX, SEX, SEX, LAUGHS, SEX. >> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS,
BILLY. >> HOW DID I DO? YOU ARE FINALLY KNOWN. BILLY CRYSTAL, EVERYBODY. THANK YOU, SIR. >> GREAT TO BE WITH YOU AGAIN. >> Stephen: NICELY TO SEE YOU,
TOO. ♪♪♪
THANKS AGAIN TO BILLY CRYSTAL. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH EMMY
AWARD WINNING ACTOR AARON PAUL. ♪♪♪
