What Young Guys Screw Up During Sex - Jak Knight - Stand-Up Featuring

this is crazy they really put a whole set in this building I do shows here all the [ __ ] time did coke here I did right back there I did coke first time I ever did coke and I think last time I don't know my feelings all right they waver I never really did coke like that before I didn't know what it does I don't know if you ever done coke but what it does is like unlocks a piece of you that you never knew you wanted unlock it makes you want to achieve a goal you never knew you wanted to achieve makes you try and reach out and be a better person that you never knew you this is a very long set up for me to say that I made out with a [ __ ] in the bathroom boy and let me let me tell you man I don't know if y'all ever been a man that made out with another man when you're not a homosexual but that [ __ ] is gay that's you gays held it it's a whole man space on yo face just right here they could kiss you gay okay you know men are strong they be trying to grab you it'll be more competitive than this [ __ ] I grabbed this making ass like [ __ ] square up bro check up [ __ ] if we hope and we hope and I'm a hoofer at all we're gonna show we're gonna show we got talking about puberty all the time we got talk about sex all the time and everyone's like oh you know they're usually older or they're like very they're smarter than me and so I have to take my [ __ ] jokes and dick jokes very seriously so one time during lunch I asked one of the older writers in the room she was very smart she's like WGA certified I got a house got kids got a whole life together like hey what's the worst thing young men did sexually I was young man [ __ ] up with why do you hate us so much my shoes just like Stan I was like was like yeah just [ __ ] fingers so [ __ ] hard and every time I bring up this joke everyone gets weird in a room just like this because all the women or were like sweet on it and all the men in the room like come on bro chill this is yo Tom not mine come on she's going you own TV think I'm just here with a hard-ass finger I don't know what I did to you trying to touch the bottom of [ __ ] ribcage [ __ ] and you know young but she's a stupid thank you for your service they don't know how to talk yet and that leads to them saying stupid [ __ ] like men don't know that clitoris says he didn't know that closes that's why it was so bad he has no idea where the clitoris is like I do I just don't like your personality okay and that's fine why do I got to figure out this Rubik's Cube with my tone well you never seen Cowboy Bebop [ __ ] can I clean hands hands is easy you go from the hole you go north you find that button that feels like the middle of a Roku remote you get the legs to go if you get the stomach to tremble like that glass of water in Jurassic Park when the t-rex is on the way it just like oh this [ __ ] is about to come bow and then boom you have a girlfriend for three weeks it's pretty easy talk about sex all [ __ ] day at my job it's nice it's like I like it it's far as [ __ ] bro you got you know what you like you learn what you want in this world like I don't like when anybody calls anybody daddy that's weird you're [ __ ] weird bro I get ladies there's any do it as I call me [ __ ] daddy like just go give that [ __ ] a therapy token that is that's a weird dude that he kind of figured that [ __ ] on it like I don't need I don't need no woman to call me daddy to feel big okay first of all I came here you become usually choking you so it's just I just don't daddy daddy that is it's like cringe-worthy like I was at this girl's house and her phone rang I saw it and I said daddy would a whole bunch of heart marks next to it and I didn't say anything because I'm very responsible and respectful sidon a good the only questions I asked it with the Wi-Fi password is either other than that I keep my [ __ ] mouth [ __ ] and since we're on the topic you know what's the worst thing about being a siding is when the main dude or the boyfriend or the husband start slacking emotionally and doesn't take care of his girl terms a conversation and now you got to pick up his slack and I go to farmers markets to rub her feet and talk about her mamas hell this ain't my [ __ ] job my job is to come over drop off dick and still Ackroyd's out the fridge but but not isn't the gang doing his job bro you need to learn how to love our queen what's wrong with you right I'm trying to be better I guess I'm dating a girl the [ __ ] ever I don't know what I gotta do you start believing in God again I believe in God I just don't like people who believe in God does that make sense like I believe in God but then you see meat [ __ ] who believe in god you're like brochure you know maybe let people like God like of God like chance the rapper chill out I can't hold things like he loves God and this is honestly I get it bro it's like it's just like even God we've got like come on bro get off my dick there's some holes around you'll see thick ass guy over there I was wrong what you wrote this is comfortable place of pain I'm same ages dude I thought we were gonna grow up he's mean to voice in my generation he was gonna lead me through all this life [ __ ] and echo everything I believe into his music and he just had a hard life on me yeah I mean like originally he came out with these things like ten day and asked to rapping I don't know if you don't know him but like he came out with this music where I related to him he always tell my girls he talked about hating white people he was talking you know I mean he was talking much just you know doing drugs it was great it was a great time though I don't know where he just hit this hard left on everybody you know I mean I don't know where he's just like Amen I got a baby a mortgage I'm thinking about running for mayor I'm like [ __ ] I don't have a bed frame slow down I went to go see I only brought this up because I want to go see him at this place called Austin City Limits there's some wonderful festival in oz it's a great time and I went there to go see chance and I was on drugs because he came out with this tape car acid rap dollars could be like a drug experience and I was on shrooms not regular shrooms you're like ooh the grass is Wiggly I was on shrooms rooms I was like yo I know who killed the Lindbergh baby and so I stood in the way way back so I could do karate chops and cartwheels and [ __ ] and mostly I've been to a music festival you know is that [ __ ] as soon as the artist comes out the whole festival just rushes over how is he stuck and between everybody and it's really starting to kick in so we got dark and sinister and scary I started doing wild like demons and spiders and how I didn't pull out fast enough for that girl last weekend how when I went through her mail I didn't know her name but she had two or three female roommates so I'd really had to make a decision so I just saw I just left went home and never talked to her again anyways chance came out and he did this song called all we got and in this song he goes music is all we got music is all we got he does it again music is all we got Krakow's music is all we got and I want to join in so it shrooms don't make me scared but I didn't realize that he's gonna hit that hard left on me and I also had my throat dry from the shrooms so he goes Jesus is all I got and I joined I go jack he doesn't again Jesus is all I got I'm like what the [ __ ] is going on to me and I don't know I didn't know where my deceased Baptist Church grandma whispered in my ear he talked about you baby I was like what what the [ __ ] are you talk about it I don't know where chance comes I he's like I could feel the devil in a crowd tonight like grandma how the [ __ ] did you beat this [ __ ] to the joke so now I'm singing every single song off this [ __ ] mixtape like it's my only way to get into heaven and he gets his song called no problems you know I mean at the beginning song he goes I don't got no problems in my life because I got God on my side so what I want y'all to do is if you see anyone who don't got ganas I want you to put your hands on right now and bless them right now and all five white people around me just wing it sorry shaking the show and then even though the lyrics and no promises like yeah yeah and I'm overthinking this [ __ ] because it's rooms were standing a five point demonic star around me speaking in tongues I thought I was in The Da Vinci Code directed by Jordan Peele this [ __ ] was crazy you

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 3,098,478

Rating: 4.865202 out of 5

Keywords: Jak Knight, Comedy Central Stand-Up Featuring, Jak Knight comedian, Jak Knight stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, cocaine, drugs, gay, making out, puberty, sex, fingering, clitoris, orgasm, daddy, dating, relationship, cheating, squirting, God, Chance the Rapper, Austin City Limits, shrooms, funny, funny video, comedy videos, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, best comedy, best stand up, big mouth, big mouth netflix

Id: Nk02-tRr7Ag

Length: 9min 30sec (570 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 25 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/HyruleanGentleman]

Never seen this before! The part about Austin City Limits was pretty funny. I think a lot of us had similar expectations with chance and even though I thoroughly enjoyed Coloring Book, I’m very interested/nervous to see what direction this next project embraces. All his projects have been pretty different so I’m expecting to be surprised. Here’s to hoping that groceries is the black sheep of the album I guess.

[u/Mikeballer23]

“ i dont have a bed frame! slow down!

[u/Shawn1309]

This is awesome. I like where chance is going with his music but I can’t lie when I say I miss acid rap chance.. hope his new album brings it back a bit

[u/J-Schwizzy]

“I thought I was in The Da Vinci Code directed by Jordan Peele” might be my favorite quote ever haha

[u/vikingsfan9]

Sounds a little like Chance sometimes

[u/Wengali]

“I stood way at the back so I could do karate kicks and cartwheels” 😂

[u/charlesrae]

I’ve got tears in my eyes! That was hilarious

[u/Gr1mReaper0fMemes]

I fr posted this like 2 weeks ago and it hurts to see the difference in upvotes, but im happy to see more people are enjoying it nonetheless.