The Vacillator...It's Never a Dull Moment with Us Around!

[Music] hi my name is Sarah and I'm a life coach here and make away life coaching thanks for joining us today we're doing the next episode in our series on the fabulous life-changing transformative book that I love so much called how we love by milla on and k your kovitch today we're gonna be talking about vast leaders and you're super lucky cuz you're being taught by the expert I'm a fast learner I'm a superb athlete ER and I'm also done like a lot of work so I'm also a testament to the fact that best leaders can indeed change a lot maybe normal way but a what here's me when my therapist had the audacity to tell me that I had abandonment issues welcome to the world of the fascinator a world in which we have abandonment issues we've asked leaders but instead because we don't want a Benjamin shoes because that sounds like it's for losers we act like super tough guys and use our anger to seem much stronger in the world than we really are ok so what makes a vas later well oftentimes the childhood of the future of athlete or is one in which a parent or both parents but usually probably one the one there may be a little bit more connected to is offers inconsistent connection so this can be for numerous reasons like narcissism addiction who knows what else could cause it but the child of course children are wired to know very deeply that they need their parent to survive so the child is primed to want to connect with their parent and what happens that creates a best waiter in adulthood is that their parent who like I said they're probably closest with offers inconsistent connection so like we talked about with the avoiders they grew up without connection they at least get used to it pleasers often kind of have an over connection but they get used to it vassal eaters it's like on-off on-off on-off and what we know about this like on/off thing it's called operant conditioning is that if it happens when we put rats in a situation where they're gonna be getting reward food something inconsistently it makes them obsessed with it it's actually better for the right to get constant reward or no reward then inconsistency in the consistency is what makes them hyper focus on it and kids are the same way so a vassal eater is like the message is like come close no go away come close no go away so basically it's like the vasa later parent loves to connect on their terms when they're in the mood for it so the child gets a taste from a connection and they get a taste feeling like the star child the favored one you know um but it's only when the parent wants to do so if the parent is having a hard day then they feel like oh let's go spend the day together and get ice cream talk and the kids like this is so great well the next day the parents no longer available they just choose not to do it that day and that leaves the child feeling abandoned okay much more complicated than that would be imagine if the next day the child has a terrible day something happens at school that's like really upsetting and the child comes home crying and the day before their parent would have cared but this day their parent doesn't care and they're left to be on their own with their sadness or their fear and that triggers an abandonment wound when that happens over and over and over again then you have an abandonment an abandonment wound and that is what makes a bath later okay so the fast later child is very busy developing these abandonment wounds they have a lot of anxiety because of this inconsistent connection if you can't count on something then when you get it you're like well this is nice but I know it won't last and when you don't get it you're very anxious about like when will I get it again when will I get the connection with my parent one will I get the attention when will I get to love me you know I don't know all of the connection feelings um and so what does that look like when a bath later becomes an adult well everyone watching this video is an adult so how do you know if you're a bath later well number one the book how we love is amazing you should read it um they have a free quiz on their website how we love calm I think but anyway you can google that we'll have it in the notes below um a connection to that too but in addition here are some tips that you maybe about later the biggest one it's anger if you're a mess later you for sure struggle with anger underneath the anger are these old feelings of anxiety in sadness that never really got moved along or healed but we're a bunch of tough guys and we don't want to feel anxiety or sadness we don't want to admit it and so instead we lash out in anger so if you have an anger issue or you struggle to keep your anger under control then you very very likely might be about later and you for sure might want to read that chapter in the book another tip that you might be a fest leader is if you are a magnetic connector so obviously you can think about a child growing up with this inconsistent connection from the parent that they love the most um one of the tools we develop in your arsenal is to be very magnetic to try to attract their connection and attention and as you're an adult that's a skill that you can use in the world so if you are a magnetic connector than you people are drawn to you and you basically can kind of get from people what you want from them I don't mean to sound like vast leaders are super manipulative but maybe sometimes um but here's an example my in-laws are like super nice people and they're mostly avoiders and so they always like joke about how I can get anything I want from customer service and this is true I have never in my life called customer service is such a white lady thing to do I'm becoming more aware of that I want to talk to your manager um and I do always want to talk to the manager but the bottom line is I like go into the situations knowing I'm gonna get come out with exactly what I want and it happens every single time so that is something that like if you're really good about getting what you want or customer service you may be a vest later okay now this is not true for everybody but a lot of bath leaders have a long line of broken relationships behind them um and so that can be like for two reasons number one vast leaders for your abandonment and so when you're new in a relationship and the connection is really strong then you're thriving but eventually the hormones kind of settle down and in regular life has to commence so for a vast letter that's really scary why because now the person that you've fallen for is with drawing a little bit into the regular life maybe things are settling down and now the person that you have fallen for is now super focused at work again or god forbid has a hobby or something like that then going back to doing the regular things without you is very triggering for abandonment and the vasa later doesn't want to feel abandoned and so they're tough guy comes out and they sever the relationship because it's better to be in charge of that choice and to push the person away than it would be to be rejected by them and abandoned by them and so that's a really common dynamic but not for everybody okay the second issue that causes vas leaders to have a lot of broken relationships is the cut off so with a fascinator you this is a big indicator if you're bass player you time to see people it's all good or all bad you raise the person up on the pedestal for a while they're all good all good all good but then they do something human and make you mad or make you feel abandoned or make you feel sad and then they go into the bad category and now you're done with them if you this is called splitting so if you're a splitter like the person's either all good or all bad and then when they're bad they're out of your life then you probably are a fast later another sign you might be a mess later is if you struggle with jealousy you can imagine the vast later as a child with this inconsistent connection when their parent is then giving connection to somebody else and the child sitting there feeling abandoned they feel very jealous of that attention and they want more of it so the vast later adult oftentimes struggles with jealousy of the people that they love it's like they want to be the only person I mean you might even be jealous of your partner's friends and their family it's like you just want all of the loving connection as an adult another indicator that you might be a bath later is if you lack self reflection this was never my problem but it is really common because when you grow up in with this better parent the consistent connection causes you to be hyper attuned to the parent similar to how a pleaser might be hyper attuned to their parent for different reasons but the bath later child is hyper in tune to the parent in order to read like is today the day I get the connection and so it causes you to not really spend a lot of time in your own head because you're so focused on that parent relationship okay so the thing about being a backslider is that your abandonment is still like your core wounding at the bottom so for instance let's say you're married and basically you're kind of always waiting for the relationship to fail and you'll feel abandoned again so you might be super afraid that your spouse is gonna die or cheat on you or get bored and walk away it's like this fear of always being abandoned is like such a huge deal maybe even with your kids you think they're gonna get sick and die and abandon you and you know some people will talk about like oh one more ad we'll be sipping iced tea and lemonade on the front porch you cannot think that way like you think who are these people who think the relationships gonna make it to a tee you know without anything going wrong so that's something to be aware of is the best later for sure kind of like that last thing we're talking about there's certain like things you need to pay attention to and your adult relationships or they're gonna be like the driver of your relationship so another deal with fast leaders is of course you're quick to feel abandoned or neglected by your spouse your boss your friends so it's really important to ask yourself if you are a vas later like my spouse did this and um you know I'm arguing with my mom and my spouse sees my mom's point of view and it's not sighting with me now I feel abandoned and neglected and I won't speak to him for a week so the question is is that really true it's so important with when you know your woundings it's so important to stop and be like but is it true or do I always feel abandoned basically anytime I feel neglected or rejected or abandoned I need to stop and ask myself okay I'm used to feeling that but does that make it true really what my spouse is doing is that really what my parents are doing or is it just how I'm wired to perceive almost everything people do so maybe your best later and you're really resonating with some of these more key truths about yourself guess what on all of these love styles there is a positive so what's the positive to be an eval ater well number one you're like life of the party right fast leaders are passionate they tend to care very deeply about things they have big feelings big emotions people are drawn to then like if you're in sales you're probably killing it you know what I mean there's a lot of positives but I think if we were to be honest the vast leader is their best selves if they're just like a little bit more chill version of themself and you know your family benefits when you're connected because there's nothing better than a bath leader who's connected but of course the flipside is and when you like disconnect everybody falls apart so there are a lot of advantages to being a bath later but there's things that need work but anger definitely need some work perhaps you just connect and then are creating future little bath ladders in your home that could do some work so it's good to recognize there's a balance there's good and bad things about being the best later okay so if your bath later what does it look like when you're married or with your significant other well read the book and find out the cool thing about this book is like section two has each love style and what it's like when they're married to a different lifestyle so um you can find out from reading the book which I highly recommend that you do I will speak about the vast later or void or marriage it's the only one I want to talk about why well that's my marriage so it's um easy to talk about and fun but secondly I have heard the bath leaders and avoiders marry each other like 80 percent of the time it's a very common marriage typing and so it's kind of an easy one for us to cover all right what does the Vaseline or annoyed or marriage look like well let's start from the beginning remember that the avoider grew up like they're family we're silos without a lot of connection they get used and expect not to have connection or passion or you know all these fun things so they meet the vas later and the fascinator is like laser focus on them like thanks they're amazing it's so excited to be with them and the ablator has this part of them inside that didn't even know this kind of passion and excitement was possible and it feels so exciting to be so connected and it's so intense and the boy grew up without any intensity or passion so they're like oh my gosh I feel so alive with this person and the vasa later is drawn to the avoid or why well the Kosh they're so consistent when you grow up with inconsistency and you finally meet someone who's like the same every day oh it's like the gates of heaven are open and you feel so happy to have met this rock so now I literally call my husband I'm what you are my rock um so that all goes well for a while here's what happened up to that Oh very very common all of these blocks you can gotta read it anyway so then things settle down and the avoider kind of goes back to regular life avoiders worse fears being overwhelmed so after everything kind of settles down the avoiders like wants to be a little bit more normal and they kind of start wanting to isolate a little bit maybe they stay busy in the garage with their hobbies husband I'm talking to you maybe they take up triathlon eing and are gone for eight hours every Saturday husband talk about you okay so they are like looking to be alone and be in their silo what do you think the vast later how do you think they respond to that later breaks out cuz they feel abandoned like why do you choose a hobby that requires eight hours of Beatle oh and every Saturday why we you're always in the garage you love that dark wood bench I don't know it's called a wood bench tool things in the garage you'll love it more than me whatever whoo so the aboard is like can you tell because in the avoider home it's super important that you your own needs and not ask anything of anyone and the best leaders like excuse me you don't tell me how to be and the anger comes out well anger super-scary avoider homes don't have a lot of feelings especially don't have a lot of anger and now the bass letter is like rah and feeling abandon and lashing out in anger and the avoider shutting down because that's their coping mechanism in a silo the best thing is just shut it down and the avoider is like you can't shut your shutting me out and abandonment and shutdown in a panic it's like a wild wild ride this was my marriage for many many years it was exhausting and thank God my therapist recommended this book my husband and I read this chapter we were like what these people are spying on our marriage so we went and got a couples therapy as recommended in the book and we got somebody who knew about the book and totally got our dynamic and really helped us like so so so much like I loved it when she talked to my husband it's not the best part of couples therapy when they're like talking about your husband and not you and basically really encouraging him to like fight the urge to shut down and stay more connected and then talk to me not my favorite part they're like focus on you and basically helping me and manage my feelings of anxiety about what I perceived to be abandonment even though it is not a beta me it's not abandonment for your husband to have a hobby where he's out of the house for eight hours on a Saturday so how does the vasa later work through that so we did our work it's very wonderful our marriage is like a testament to how much two things can change your marriage number one you need to pray for your marriage I really believe that God is the initiator and the healer of marriage number two dates mark start with the book maybe you need some therapy with a Christian therapist would be my advice you have to know if your therapist even believes in marriage the Christian ones do it's important to know that what is your worldview therapist um and then like watch as the fruits of the labor come out it doesn't happen overnight although sometimes it does happen overnight but most of the time it's gonna take you some time but encourage you not to give up because marriage is really worth fighting for all right beyond your marriage there's you the math later you struggle with anger and I know because I also struggle with anger I am really really praying someday I'm not going to struggle with anger but no matter how much work I've done I still struggle with anger so I think it's one of these lifetime like trials that many of us have here's the promise pray for Ewing and get some help so I did what therapy I do a lot of reading with the therapy school cuz I want no more but how the whole thing works um and what I can tell you is my anger is better and one of the things that really helped with my therapist helped me to get in touch with my other feelings and so that's really powerful you should do that too so now if I feel really overwhelmed I cry I used to just rage now I cry I hate crying it's not a tough-guy thing to do but this is what you have to do to stay out of rage so it's really good um I'm still like the last person to cry but so whatever it doesn't matter at some point and then what I have learned by letting other feelings that come out like sadness happiness joy is it does reduce the anger and it helps me realize when I'm really feeling which is almost not that often anger really he's not almost never I feel a lot of anger but um so that's all really exciting and I just want to share this like analogy that I learned from a really wise professor in therapy school who I called the Crone she was so wide she basically said you have to picture all of your feelings coming out of a garden hose right so there's a garden hose it's green or whatever color your garden hose is and the feelings want to flow through the hose like water well the problem is if you have feelings you don't like like your avast later and you're like I don't want to be angry anymore so you just like turn the spigot and you stop the feeling flow cool now you're not feeling anger although you might still be feeling anger expressing anger but what you've also done is you've closed the tap on the happiness in the joy and all the other feelings so the reality of feelings is you kind of have to embrace all of them and you have to let open the spigot and let them flow and by doing this you get to experience like the fullness of your life in all of the feelings and that's that's the work to be done for a lot of us and it's very powerful when you do it I know for a fact that by being willing to experience more and more of my feelings that are not just anger I also have more joy and happiness in my life because the spigot is open and the feelings are flowing so that is really good work that you can do with a therapist so there's hope there's hope for the bath later hope for the avoider there's hope for the pleaser and I just really want to encourage you to read the book and let that be your first step in this process okay so thank you for joining us today join us next week we're gonna talk about another lifestyle that's called the chaotic lifestyle it's a very hard one to talk about but it's not uncommon so we are gonna broach it and I hope that you join us then we'll see you next Thursday take care oh wait you

Channel: Sarah Abbott Life Coaching

Views: 6,451

Keywords: Sarah, Abbott, Sarah Abbott, therapy, God, help, self help, Christian, faith, church, Jesus, How We Love, Christianity, marriage, relationship, relationships, counseling, life coach, Make A Way, Vacillator

Id: nlLM4cpbWb4

Length: 22min 8sec (1328 seconds)

Published: Sat Jan 11 2020