The Chaotic Controller/Victim Love Style

[Music] hey guys welcome back to make away life coaching my name is Sarah and I'm web co-chair today we're doing the next episode and our fabulous book series called how we love this one is talking about the love style that is called chaotic and basically when you grow up when you have a chaotic love style you're one of two that manifest one of two ways either as a chaotic controller or chaotic victim so it's a tough love style um we're gonna talk about it cuz a lot of us grew up in homes like this and a lot of us have homes like this now and it is a very damaging lifestyle that I really want to encourage you that if you have this web style or if you grew up with this lifestyle this book can really help you and just to really anchor yourselves in the fact of what I know to be true which is it with God nothing is impossible so let's dive in the chaotic lifestyle results from a childhood in which the home was very dangerous place and being in relationship basically was dangerous and scary none of this is always 100% true but it's very true about chaotic lifestyles a lot of times um what was happening was it one of your parents was an addict or mentally ill or absent from your life and so that creates a really hard childhood for the for the child growing up and at home because like we've talked about before children are smart they know on a very deep level that they need their parent to survive but imagine what it does to your soul and your emotions and your mind in your heart when you're a child who knows you need your parents to survive but you also know that your parent is the one creating every single terrible problem in your life so the image that the yurka use in the book to describe the chaotic lifestyle is that of a tornado and I think it's just a beautiful image for what it feels like to grow up in this kind of home so tornadoes are extremely scary and district and you know they lead to a lot of turbulence in in the world and that's what I feel like to grow up in that home so basically if you're the child in a chaotic home then what happens is you have periods of destruction and terror terror really abuse you know it's a cool abuse sexual abuse just really terrible things verbal abuse which is also very terrible and then it's followed by like a calm period but the problem with the calm period is the calm period is basically the eye of the storm and the child doesn't have any peace during that time they have nothing betting xiety because they know that the next period of mass destruction is right around the corner so there's no peace for this child in their home they're either in the middle of destruction or they're waiting for destruction and that is just so so so sad for that child the Yorkin tell us that children respond to this tornado of a life in two different ways they either become a chaotic controller or a chaotic victim that's how they respond to the chaos so the controller responds with aggression and anger and physically acting out you know verbally acting out and you see this all the time I worked with kids for a while and you'll see children I had clients who chased their mother around the kitchen with a butcher knife and that is the chaotic controller in the making they have grown up with such chaos and terror that the minute they have a chance to respond to it when they're old enough they respond by creating their own chaos and with just a ton of aggressive death the victim goes the other way so a child who responds to chaos by becoming a victim basically tries to make them their coping mechanism is to become invisible in the family and to do the work that's expected of them invisibly because they're trying not to create any more chaos but they they're resulting life is one of extreme passivity okay so what does it look like when these two become adults well unfortunately it's such a deep warning that's living in a tornado for 18 years if you even made it 18 years in that family which some some kids run away you know there's all sorts of things that can happen but um there are several different responses to that and as you become an adult it's really common that the chaotic controller is now recreating this cycle of violence in the home with their own children and their own wife or husband it's not always it's easy to think the control of the male and the victim is the female that is not always true so the controller is recreating the tornado cycle of chaos with aggression and violence and anger and lashing out and the victim who often has married a controller because it's what they know right that's what they grew up with and the victim responds with extreme passivity this can be male or female it's often the victim of violence as a spouse and the cycle of chaos just continues and continues and it is just really devastating so let me read a quote from the book about what an adult if you have the chaos web style now this is what your adult life might be like there may be multiple marriages multiple marriages divorces and remarriages but the structure of each tends to be a controller victimizer and a victim one parent the controller controls with intimidation fear and/or violence the partner is the underdog helpless and passive in the face of ongoing abuse mental illnesses such as major depression postpartum depression bipolar disorder schizophrenia and others may contribute to the chaos it's really common when kids grew up this way that they struggle over their entire lives with anxiety and depression it's a natural result that growing up in the chaotic home some of the other things that the adult chaotic controller or chaotic victim might be experiencing is and in an intense need for intensity you grew up with chaos and intensity and your body actually gets primed for that the cortisol on the adrenaline it becomes so much a part of what you're used to that adds an adult you're often put yourselves in situations to create that same kind of like intensity in your body with adrenalin and cortisone and you find yourself always in intense situations that's really common another thing that's really common especially for the chaotic victim is numbing so addictions are a huge problem alcohol drugs sex gambling these are ways to numb out and to kind of like you know leave your body and leave your life through your addiction so that is another common problem that the adults will suffer with this love style even if you don't have the chaotic love style but you grew up in that home one of the things that's really common and I want to speak to the ladies right now although this is definitely an issue with males too I think most of our viewers are female but um one of the things you'll experience is you have rage with your own kids and you're horrified by that you grew up with all this aggression and anger and rage and you don't want that for yourself but as you you know get married and have children you're shocked to find that that rage is coming out from you toward your own children and the Yurkovich is want to really tell you they tell you in the book that this is common they actually speak to moms groups about it all the time and they have women come up to them every single time with tears - saying yes that is my life I grew up that way and now I struggle with rage with my own kids so it's just something to be aware of it doesn't it's not an excuse you know nothing in this book is an excuse for bad behavior it's just so important to kind of like own what happened to you and understand why that drives you and why some of your behaviors are there but with all of the wefts outs it's so important to do the work and pray for healing and I really believe that with God anything is possible and that has been true in my own wife and I've seen it true in many people's lives um so I just want to end this briefer session that if any of this resonates with you if you grew up in this kind of home if you're living and that's kind of home now there is help to be had just like with all the love Stiles there's work to be done so get the book start there that's an easy first step it's anonymous no one has to know you're doing it and I just really want to encourage you that I believe that you can have such a more wife of freedom than you have now so look there's our book book Amazon link below we don't make any money just go buy it take the test online that's free and just pray pray pray pray that God will change your life thank you so much for joining us we'll see you here next Thursday take care

Channel: Sarah Abbott Life Coaching

Views: 2,126

Keywords: Sarah Abbott, self help, Christian, therapy, God, Jesus, help, How We Love

Id: QCRw5eoyHms

Length: 9min 42sec (582 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 16 2020