Why Isn't My Life Changing?

foreign or at least a portion of it I'm apologizing right now for the quality of this video I have to film on my laptop because I have no memory space on my phone and this is the life that I'm living right now um where do I even begin um I've been wanting to film this video since my last video and I haven't um and there's a really big reason for that let me first make sure that I'm not to get a microphone because also my microphone on my laptop doesn't work this video is going to be all over the place I'm sorry um anyways the reason I haven't been able to film a video is because I've made this weird connection that when I make this video my life is going to change what does that mean sit back relax let's get into this um I have been wanting to change my life since 2018. um long story short I was depressed and I just felt all types of feelings um my feeling of self is like a roller coaster one minute I'm doing fine I'm doing everything I need to do and then as soon as I'm hit with like something you know in life something negative I go I come crashing down and I get very depressed and 2018 was a very rough year for me 2017 2018 and I've just been waiting for something to happen for my life to change like I've been waiting for something to motivate me to want to to be better for myself and be better for my life and actually like I don't know be a better person um and that didn't happen until I met Carlos which was in 2019 so a year later and what motivated me to want to change was that I wanted to change for him um he wanted to be with me we're getting serious I didn't want him to be with the worst version of myself I wanted to improve myself because I thought he deserved it which he didn't like he would always say like you should be doing this for you and I'm like yeah that's not that's the point it's not going to happen you're making me actually want to be better fast forward to 2022 a little bit after before my birthday after my birthday I don't know I just remember it was I think after my birthday I hit a weird depression I don't know what caused it it's been a couple months now so I don't remember but I was just hit with a weird wave and I didn't know I was in it until sometime in October and I was watching Chris's videos and he was interviewing someone and I was just watching them and I was like oh I'm depressed like this person I relate to them so much but in their journey of healing they're like at the middle or like getting close to that end where like they have the tools that they need to to maintain being a good good person and I was not there I felt like meeting Carlos was like when I woke up and realized like oh I have problems it's not the world around me it's me I got I got things in here that I gotta deal with um and yeah I just was like I I I don't I don't know what I'm doing with my life I feel like a fake I feel like every time I improve I just take million steps backwards um this sucks and I don't feel happy but I can't live in my happiness because I'm constantly like this all day every day I'm constantly forgetting that I'm depressed when I'm at work or when I'm driving or when I'm zoning out so I messaged Chris we scheduled an interview in my head because it'd been months since we I messaged him we planned everything I had to wait we filmed the video I still had to wait for it to be edited and to be uploaded in my head I'm like okay once this video goes up I'm gonna have people that understand me I'm gonna have support I'm going to change my life I'm once it's up like I'm gonna start waking up at six a.m you know so I can film content or if not film content just be awake so I can plan my day so I can just do things with my life and not wake up 10 minutes before I have to go to work and go literally in my pajamas hair look hair looking a mess like every single day not showering not eating like I was ready to change my life and then the video came out and nothing changed weeks kept coming nothing changed I'm messaging people they're asking me for how I deal with my struggles I now all of a sudden can't message anybody because now people feel like I have Solutions when I'm literally like I don't know what I'm doing over here um so yeah I haven't I've now completely stopped being active on Instagram I've completely stopped messaging in the server that I created for you guys and for me so that we can keep in contact I just stopped doing stuff and because you know and then I made that video my last video because I was having so much anxiety because I was like oh my God I'm dealing with stuff and I'm not talking about it and everyone's just sitting there like hey Yasmine when are you gonna open up about some of the things you're going through and I'm like oh I don't know if I should because it's not going to be helpful um so then I made that video because I was anxious and then I didn't make another video for God knows how long and now I'm making the video not because I think my life is gonna just magically change now and that I'm ready to change my life it's because the anxiety is eating me alive and I want to go on Instagram I want to open people's messages I want to respond to people and I want to get rid of this guilt that I'm feeling these weird things that I'm feeling because it's just it's become my normal I am so used to living in this state of just existing and it sucks it really does suck because the only time that I'm ever present and cognitively thinking about all the things I need to fix in my life and all the things I need to do is literally right before I go to bed I'm laying there in bed and I'm about to go to sleep I put me where's my phone I put my phone away close my eyes intrusive thoughts intrusive that's when it's like you have to film a video you have to talk about this you have to do this you have to do that you said you were gonna wake up at 6am it's you're gonna wake up at 6am but now it's Wednesday are you still gonna do it no you're not oh yes you are okay we're gonna do it we're gonna and it's like this intense dream of just Consciousness and then my heart's beating so fast and then I can't sleep and I'm just laying there thinking about all the things that I said I was going to do and then I don't do and then I'm sitting there being like Yasmin you're the type of person that says actions mean more than words and here you are speaking your mouth out and nothing's happened and then you know what that does that makes me hate myself more than I already do so yeah that's been me that's been what I've been dealing with that's how I deal with my mental health is by just literally doing the bare minimum and living for other people and I'm here to tell you I don't know I've been ranting for eight minutes I don't know what just came out of my mouth but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not on top of my mental health I'm a very software person I think I'm generally a very happy person I'm very animated um and even though I didn't do this to be a content creator like I like making videos what I'm doing right now is literally what I do every second of the day like the thing I'm telling you where I'm laying there and sleep I don't sleep like this but I'm laying there and I'm trying to sleep and I'm having those intrusive thoughts one of the things that keeps popping up is that I will think about the video that I'm having and I will literally have the video I will sit there in my bed and hallucinate this video literally what I'm doing word for word I'm having the video for 20 minutes and then as I'm doing it there's a voice in my head that's like you can just get up and just film this but no I can't because I have to look good I want to do my hair I don't want to dress a certain way I want to have good quality Imaging oh this is dying so that sucks this was supposed to be a ring light and it's literally is not making a difference okay um point being is that I have I had every excuse Under the Sun to not do it today not just the video but not to wake up in the morning not to study not to go see my goddamn mom that I haven't seen in a while because of anxiety like I I let my mental health win every day every day I want to fight it and every day it wins and every day I can't ask for help because I can't explain to people that I lack motivation because I feel like that translates to you don't care and I do I care a lot I care a lot a lot but I don't know how to do this um I don't know how to be honest I don't know how to hold myself accountable I don't know how to [ __ ] when I feel like someone's gonna be upset at me or when I know I'm in the wrong I don't know how to get my ass up so I can wake up and like literally even if it's an hour just to have an hour in the morning to do I don't know shower eat breakfast figure out what I'm gonna wear that day and not wear little bum clothes like I don't know and I'm sorry this is so unstructured I really wanted to sit down and write points and all that stuff but like I said I just had I I have I have to get this video out I need to I need to express myself I need to change I need to I really need to and I've reached the point multiple times especially this year where I'm just like I'm sick of myself I am sick of these habits I am sick of having the same [ __ ] conversations with Carlos and with myself and with you know I I'm just tired of of being stuck because I know what I have to do sure I know I need therapy to do more of the complex work a lot of the unlearning relearning but there are things that I can do in my control and in my Realm and they're very simple waking up I've said his mail multiple times but that's been like my number one I want to wake up early eating that is a simple thing to do and yet I can't seem to do that sleeping are you all sleeping with three three are you guys running on three to four hours of sleep every single day I am are you working two jobs and going to school full-time whilst barely sleeping and barely eating and managing to barely live I am and you know what that is that's not healthy and I know it's not healthy and yet I keep doing it do you see the cycle that I'm living in like that that is literally every day um I'm rambling I'm sorry I'm repeating myself now now I sound like a broken record what was the point besides just wanting to express my thoughts I think for you guys and what I mean by that is that I'm sitting here and I shouldn't do this but I've grouped everyone that I've messaged at any point throughout this journey I've grouped you all into one big group one person and this person is judging me and this person is assuming things this person doesn't exist this is just my own insecurity saying things in my head but it feels very real and I feel like I have been fake I feel like I have put out an image of myself that isn't true and what I mean by that is that when I watch Chris's video and I see myself it seems like I know it seems like I have started to tackle my mental health and I haven't I really haven't I'm so behind you guys I am some of you guys are giving me advice on what to do which is what I wanted but it's like that's how I feel it feels like people are asking me for advice but I'm the one that's like please help me guys I don't know what I'm doing and I feel bad I feel bad going to you guys and like giving advice because I feel like I don't know what the [ __ ] I'm doing like I feel like I'm not doing it right I feel like I'm doing it in the most bare minimum to keep you alive way which is not a good way and I would not recommend it because it's a lifestyle that once you've survived through it you can break it and I can't break it and it's been years years and I want the cycle to stop so what am I gonna do now I'm glad you asked I'm gonna [ __ ] wake up in the morning you hear me Yasmine now I'm not talking to you I'm talking to this [ __ ] right here that's gonna edit this later because you you're gonna wake up early you even made a tick tock calling yourself out and did you wake up early no you didn't you're gonna wake up early I don't care if it's 10 minutes earlier than your goddamn [ __ ] alarm you're gonna start waking up early you're gonna start eating three meals a day three meals a day okay maybe that's a little much because I don't eat breakfast two meals a day two meals every day minimum one and you're gonna shower your crusty Dusty musty ass every day maybe maybe start there and then we can talk later and by later I don't mean in here like this this is going to be on the internet people are gonna see this are you going to embarrass yourself on the internet because you put it on Tick Tock and maybe like poor people see it and that's why you feel like you're not responsible you have people that are supporting you and they're going to call you call me out of my [ __ ] guys call me out okay I need you guys no actually I shouldn't do that you guys are not responsible for my mental health that's what I keep doing I keep putting the responsibility on someone else because I know I need someone to hold my hand because I'm a child sorry now I'm getting degrading I don't know what you need to do girl but you gotta do it and you gotta change it so that when you do sorry sounds were coming out when you do get better then you can start helping people okay Yasmin okay I'm sorry for the structure of this video when I had my hallucinations um this was so well structured I had points I was going through things I was getting in deep like you know I was giving you details I was like this is why I'm the way I am and this is the way things are and now it's been 17 minutes and I don't know what I said oh sorry I'm having a lot of intrusive thoughts right now because my brain finally stopped wiring and it's finally in pause and all I'm doing is looking at myself and I have a lot of critiques anyways this is how my videos are going to be from now on until I figure out what the hell I'm gonna do with my life because if I keep waiting for the perfect moment for the perfect time for me to be in the perfect clothes and the perfect thing and everything needs to be lined up and everything in my life is just gonna these are just gonna change nothing's gonna happen guess what it's been four years and nothing has changed and so many opportunities have came into my life I build the video with Chris D Chris I me my face is on his channel what else do you need Yasmin and if you can't get motivated how big do you make it to you make it make videos who cares that this is booty ass quality are you a are you a content creator that has a million views and you need to keep up quality no you're just a random person that people kind of want to hear you talk so maybe do that and get the people what they want and maybe from there you know you can actually do the things that you want like you know the more videos you post the more people get to know you more and the more that they get to comment and the more that you get help and support you know this is how it works it's not just gonna be there one day Yasmin don't beat your ass bro you're driving me crazy Yasmin [ __ ] and don't end it this yeah it's okay what's up okay good night maybe you should edit this no I'm gonna keep that in I'm gonna keep that in I don't want to edit because I feel like again I have too many excuses to not film look my ring light is dead if this had died before filming who knows that this could have been my excuse to not film um no memory space takes too long to edit whatever no no more we're done we're done all right you don't need Carlos to parent you you don't need your parents to parent you you can do this and if you can't you know what you can do you don't want to ask Carlos you don't want to ask Carlos for help ask your supporters that's why you make a video make a video you post it you put your thoughts and then they help and if that doesn't help guess what you made of [ __ ] server for this side note I was so nervous the first time I made my video I literally was like um um um and here I am talking the way I normally do literally like this is Yasmin on a regular jugular basis like this is literally how I talk to myself um literally literally like I you were seeing Yasmin at her best and I wish this was like a camera pointed somewhere in the corner so that you could see how I normally act um so you would believe me but I'm too self-aware of that so if I knew there was a camera there I would just talk to the camera I don't know I'm not making any sense now I'm rambling again um thank you guys for your patience with me as I figure out how to live how to do this um I hope this video made some type of sense like I said in my last video I'm just gonna film and film and I'm just gonna post and post eventually I will be able to take the time to sit down and manage my life but for now as you can see doesn't exist so I want to talk to you guys and I want to make videos so I'm just going to do it and I'm just gonna I haven't even looked at the comments in my last video that's how unmanageable unmanaged on that's how messy my life is right now guys like I'm all over the goddamn place like my rambling in this video This Is My Life in every section of my life where I wake up then I go to the car and then I go to work and then I go to the car and then I go to my other job and then I go to the car then I come home then I shower all of those separate moments are different instances in my life where I'm a different person and it [ __ ] is a the [ __ ] sucks because it feels like I have multiple thoughts in a day that didn't come out the way I meant to say what I mean to say is that when I wake up I'm like all those plans I made before I went to sleep booked it um and then in the middle of the day I'm like oh man I can't believe I didn't wake up early okay when I get home I'm gonna film the video and do this and do that then I get home and I don't do that because I just wanna and like go to sleep and do nothing and just scroll and then right before I go to sleep I'm like ah man you did nothing with your day these are all the things you're going to do to change your life continues you know what we're doing today breaking it you filmed a YouTube video it's going to be posted you Associated this weird linkage that your life is going to change you wanna know what that means your life is Gonna Change okay I'm done I'm done I'm acting stupid now um thank you all for listening thank you all for your patience thank you all for your support um please leave comments I will respond I promise it might take me a while but I'm going through every single bricken message reply comment I receive I'm not leaving no one unanswered which is why it takes me a long time to get to people but I want to talk this is fine but y'all are not responding and as you can see I've talked for 24 minutes what's concept of time she doesn't know um yeah and this is like I said this is just a normal instance for me so like I'm just unless it's an organized video I'm just gonna ramble for 24 minutes which like if you're not interested in that or you're not interested in me who the [ __ ] is going to watch this so I want to talk to you guys and I will I'm rambling again okay I'm gonna leave now I gotta go well I gotta go I gotta end this um stay tuned for future videos I promise to get them out I kind of like this like backdrop you know you got the nice little light you got some fake plants there that's my water bottle got some shells you know this is kind of nice this is nice this is professional if my ring light was working maybe I would look even better who knows who knows we'll never know unless you stay tuned and watch the next video okay I'm gonna go now I love you all Peace Love blessings and I'll see you guys in the next one I apologize for how long this is let me know if you liked it I can't wait to cringe on myself later alright bye guys

Channel: FUN2SEE

Views: 1,484

Keywords: mental health, life, cptsd, anxiety

Id: 87FBJBDnPbk

Length: 25min 28sec (1528 seconds)

Published: Tue May 02 2023