Exploring Your Love Styles (Best of 2018) - Milan & Kay Yerkovich

so we can't really have an honest conversation   until probably the 15-year mark but we  did have that frustrating core pattern   of his chasing me and me avoiding him and of  course the more he chased the more I avoided welcome to the focus on the family broadcast  helping families thrive John every time we have   Milan and Kay here our audience responds you you  folks love to hear what these people have to say   and it's so insightful about our childhoods what  we learn what we bring into relationships whether   that's your marriage your parenting relationship  all of those things it has an impact on us and   the better and more knowledgeable we are about  that impact the healthier your relationships   are going to be here at Focus we want to see you  thrive in your marriage and in other relationships   that's why we do this it's to equip you to have  a full life in Christ welcome back to the program   thank you we're glad to be here hey you spent the  first 10 years of your marriage feeling stuck and   unhappy take us back to that first 10 years  so the folks that are struggling can better   identify that they are in a place where they  need help what does it look like your first 10   years of marriage the first 10 years of marriage  and we were simply operating on the downloads and   operating systems that our families had imparted  or downloaded into us without our without our   permission without our you know participation  those early influences of how I view myself how   I view another person what we means whether we  is necessary or whether I'm good on my own and   I don't need other all those definitions were  put in deeply into our lives early on so when   we first got married we had early imprints where  I was very worried that the whoever otherwise   turned out to be Kay would not be attentive  enough or would be distant or disconnected and   and I would over pursue her to trying to get her  attention little did I know she was an introvert   and an emotionally avoidant person and I would  overwhelm her and it wouldn't want to you'll   probably pull away at some level that's right I  think what's true is those downloading systems   are unconscious mm-hmm right we're so used to them  from our own family that to us they're just normal   it's the normal way we behave so in marriage we  aren't really anticipating that those histories   are going to collide and you know in dating they  don't often really they're not that pronounced   because our best foot is forward and we're all  excited about this exciting relationship and   you know but you're married a few years and you  start to really operate on those systems that   were downloaded and you know in my family it was  you're on your own and figure it out yeah from   an earlier from an early age and you know I don't  really want to know what you feel and I don't I'm   not gonna ask what you think her so I was used  to being on my own and someone pursuing me and   wanting to be connected all the time was kind of  like what are you doing this mother I don't yeah   you're too needy and so we think of that more  as a male/female and just the reverse we were   the reverse of the male/female karyotype the  structure that you've applied to this how we   love is such a great analogy you talk about five  love styles let's touch on those briefly kind of   give us the description of those five and then  we'll begin to dig into the combinations sure   let's start off and simply say that Kay and I were  not secure connectors we were insecure connectors   had we been secure we would have had less of a  conflict between us less of a core pattern but   I was the pleaser and as a pleaser I was very  much the codependent caretaking rescuing kind   of a person that was very focused on the other  person hyper vigilant to see if you were okay   because if you were okay then I'd be okay so  I was dependent upon the other person so the   pleaser is a pursuer and they're hyper vigilant  now you are the avoider and the avoider is just   the opposite of that right avoider comes from a  family where there's not an emotional connection   with parents no one's asking me growing up how do  I feel if something difficult came along I was on   my own to comfort myself or to try and work  my way through that and so when the avoider   gets married they feel independent they feel like  they've made their own decisions for many years so   it doesn't even occur to me to consult him when  I have a decision to make and and it translates   to being strong it's a valuable really lifted up  attribute I am strong enough to stand on my own   yes I I have to say that it was difficult for  me and my growth process to feel needy because   that was something that I just skipped over you  know of course every baby is needy but I I don't   remember ever feeling needy and my family in those  years that you really start to remember your your   history so the avoider is emotionally detached and  distant not because they're cold but because they   don't have the lessons growing up to learn how  to articulate what's inside them how to describe   what's inside them and then to tell someone else  mmm that was foreign to me so we have the avoider   in the pleaser mm-hmm Vasa later the Vasa later  is sort of a blend between those two the Vasa   later is a pursuer also but they have a history  where there's abandonment or where they've lost   connection from people that were vital to them  and it created a sense of fear or apprehension   and so their quest as they enter into life is to  find someone ideally who would never disconnect   from them and so they pursue and when they when  they date they find someone that is very much   attentive and the dating relationship is alive  and Demant dynamic and exciting and yet after   they get married though that excitement it begins  to wane a bit and they start to get frightened and   they start to get scared and then they get angry  unlike the pleaser who would pursue fearfully or   try to make you happy the vast later gets angry  because they don't want to feel that feeling of   insecurity again and so they pursue the other  person in an angry way which pushes the other   person away even further and it disables the  very thing they want which is connection ok   for the vast later they they have an idealistic  view of life they deal with the pain of childhood   by idealizing the future so when I get married  I'm gonna find the perfect person allow so their   expectations their expectations are very high and  they don't really realize that yeah so they're   easily disappointed and that disappointment is  what fuels the anger and so they're protesters   what they don't see is that their spouse is  just giving that even when they have to wait   let's say I'm a fascinator female and my husband  goes to work well now I have to wait I have to   wait for and I'm thinking when he's gone at is he  thinking about me is he excited to come home so   they're preoccupied a lot with are we closed are  we distant so if he comes home a half hour late   the conversation is I believe that you are late  right I just cooked this nice dinner why didn't   you call me and he's going exactly I got called  into a meeting right you know it doesn't have to   be based on any kind of suspicious behavior  no no their their abandonment theme is very   easily triggered and so they're quick to feel like  they're unimportant unseen or they don't matter   but that really that's a childhood wound yeah  that's coming out at the person in the present   and they don't see how they're overreact if 'ti  is fueled from a childhood wound mm-hmm what no   let's cover the chaotic yep and we'll get to the  better healthier place but how chaotic then is or   just folks that come from a family that's where  instead of nurturing connection there's actually   some trauma or and it's a place where there's fear  what does that describe that trauma just so again   the listener can understand the alcoholic on the  very overt trauma like violence or sexual abuse   it could be neglect it could be a mentally ill  parent it's a situation in which the child needs   that parent for survival but there's an element  of danger whether or that danger is mild medium   or severe and so there's there's always trauma in  the history of these interesting these folks and   the church is full of people from chaotic homes  because God loves them and he goes out absolutely   and salvation is there and I'm gonna we're gonna  get to that in a minute and I'll cover the areas   because I want that biblical perspective on these  observations that's right so you kind of have two   categories in this kind of home the feisty kids  grow up and they fight the system and they get   angry and they become the controllers and a  controller is just a person who has to have   control so they don't ever feel those terrible  childhood feelings again interesting I don't want   to feel humiliated I don't want to feel ashamed I  don't want to feel afraid so if I have control of   my world I don't ever have to go back to those  feelings now that's more of an unconscious vow   than it is really there I don't think they're  aware of why they need so much control the more   compliant kids survives at home by becoming just  complacent they they hide in the closet and they   learn to tolerate the intolerable they're more  like a coping method is an under-the-radar and   in severe cases they'll cope by dissociating which  means they sort of go off in their head and they   can be in the room without really being present  yeah emotional yes and so these gals or these   men often become more the victims and so they just  don't have a voice they've never had the ability   to really feel any self-worth or learn to stand up  for themselves okay so Milan and Kay we've covered   four of the five let me just recap them a void or  pleaser Vasa later and then that chaotic that we   just covered and then there's probably the what I  would see is the healthier that you've identified   the secure connector I like that it communicates  so much in those three words the secure connector   describe that and then we'll move ahead the secure  connector is our goal where we're all growing   any one of these attachment Styles they're very  unaware of the animating forces on the inside we   don't aren't aware until we become aware because  all of a sudden we run into as you were alluding   to earlier a problem that's repetitive problem  over and over again I have stop and look at myself   Lord show me what's going on inside me when we  do we can move toward this secure connector what   does that person look like that person is an  individual who has a strong sense of self that   I am worthy of somebody listening to me loving  me I'm loved I'm worthy of love and care that   if I speak somebody will pay attention to me they  then know that the other person will be attentive   and that they can often go to that person for  help they're not afraid to ask for help and they   find out as a secure person that the two of us  together we will be stronger than me alone and   there's a freedom and a lack of fear a lack of  anger and a security to be able to ask for what   it is they want from the other person to have  strong ability to describe one's inner emotions   like Christ did the night before he died on the  cross where he said my soul is distressed to the   point of death come watch and pray with me so as  we look at he and his disciples he wasn't alone   in his distress he grabbed his closest Peter James  and John shared what was going on in his soul he   had vertical support with the Heavenly Father in  prayer he had horizontal support with his friends   and he was able to get through that very desperate  moment and that's beautifully said when you look   at this I want to make sure the person is saying  you know this sounds a little psychobabble ish   I just want to confront that because so often  we in the Christian community struggle to say   science will uncover God I mean this is God he's  on it yeah the the sins of your father being   visited down to next generations that is ancient  language to describe what we're talking about in   modernity that when you come from families of  origin that are dysfunctional this is what you   learned right and that's what the Scriptures  actually it's just sin playing out right and   you know attachment researchers this is a 70 year  old field of research and yes all they've done is   describe patterns of sin seventy-year-old history  5,000 years of human relations observe patterns   and so this isn't just Milan and Ches opinion this  is based on scientific research however I you know   many of them aren't believers and they don't know  that they're really just helping us understand   where are we broken yeah where does Christ needs  to need to redeem us because Christ wasn't an   avoider he was emotionally connected he wasn't a  pleaser he could say no right he could make people   angry he wasn't so idealistic he said the world is  so broken I need to die for it right he wasn't a   chaotic controller or victim so really when you  look at these love styles they all fall short   of Christ and we could even think of Christ as a  secure connector you know in terms of that's not   a biblical term but when you look at the traits of  a secure connector there's certainly descriptors   of Christ and I think the goal of understanding  this material is to become sanctified yeah and to   grow because it's freedom let's move in the last  few minutes here because I want to talk about the   combinations which is really what you delve into  and how we love because in order to love you have   to have another person involved right so you you  now you're bringing all these combinations into   play and that creates yet new orbits of chaos so  why don't you guys well put take it there just   talk about those combinations and what couples  need to do to first identify who they are and   then identify their spouses and say okay here's  here's why we're having this conflict but give the   combinations okay so if you take our combination  KZ of waiter I was the pleaser now she's no longer   an avoid or unknown or pleaser we've grown more  into that secure connector by them so the point   there's you can't change we can change that's  us we are no longer those people that 15 that   30 years ago at the 15-year mark our marriage  that we were then we are very different people   but what our marriage looked like then was Kate  are you all right is everything okay I'm fine why   do you keep as well because you haven't looked at  me and smiled all day are you okay I didn't know   I wasn't looking all right I think you're I upset  you somehow are you sure there isn't something I   did no and you're not upset about something no I'm  fine I keep telling you I'm fine well I can hear   by the impatience in your voice right now there  is something wrong but there is something wrong   see I can tell it wrong is that you keep asking  me what's wrong I want to run in the closet yeah   see because that maybe if your skin really was try  crawling it triggered you something it's because   you heard conflict right but that was a repeatable  pattern right there between the toilet over and   over and you know the thing we call these dynamics  a core pattern mm-hmm and a core pattern is simply   a descriptor of how your histories collide now  for the avoider and pleaser that's about as   conflictual as it got right neither of these like  conflict so of waiters don't like it because it's   messy and emotional pleasers don't like it because  you might get mad at me so we can't really have an   honest conversation till probably the 15 year mark  but we did have that frustrating core pattern of   his chasing me and me avoiding him and of course  the more he chased the more I avoided and when   we begin to understand attachment we begin to  understand this was the root of this core pattern   my lack of bonding in my home in my avoider  tendencies in his fearful home in his pleaser   tendencies that was the root and so we begin to  work at the root in changing so that was our core   pattern mm-hmm how about that Vasa later avoider  that's probably the most common core pattern we   see walk into therapy because neither one of us  wanted to go to therapy but the Vasa leaders the   protester and they want ideal so what are they  going to do we need help we're going to therapy   now Vasa leaders are attracted to avoiders because  avoiders are consistent they're predictable but   when they marry and they're with them a while  they're like hello are you there so let's roleplay   that Hey hi how are you hey where's a male uh  it's right here honey where it always is okay   so I'm looking for some here that I was expecting  today did you move the mail by any chance because   it's not here here every day I know Becky know why  I have something super fun to tell you and super   exciting to show you so come here you know what  sometimes you throw the mail away you think they   roll away once and this is really important know  what ok it says bank on it you know I'm looking   for it I have a wait wait wait wait you know  what this is not today every day oh hello ma'am I just told everybody else that was still  listening to turn off the radio because of   the conflict we're listening to right now Wow you  love the mail more than me I'm going to the gym   it's good see you later i gene I did not mention  this to my goodness so I'm the avoider you see   I'm task mastery oriented I have something I want  to get to it's time-sensitive I was supposed to   receive it in the mail that's all he's thinking  about I'm just thinking I want to get that done   I'll see you a little later but you know all I'm  thinking about is did he think about me today I   can't wait to show him this oh my goodness I'm  so excited to see him why do I not learn that he   always goes to the mail first I've told him over  and over but he doesn't listen when we dated when   we dated it was this you know we're the pure I  to I but now that life has set in these early   attachment experiences that we're not even aware  are imprinted into us take over they begin to   drive the bus so that would be two of the most  common core patterns we see in our offices and   lastly that vacillate er pleaser let's not even  if it's less common let's mention those folks   well let's roleplay that really quickly I'll be  the best later you be the pleaser okay that's   great I walked through the door hey I'm home how  you doing oh you know what yeah I know that's I'm   on the phone I got a I'm on the phone oh you're  always on the phone when I come home I gotta go   I know I'm so sorry yeah I I get it I'm home I'll  be right there okay yeah I know that's rough but   I really have to go home all right okay I really  have to go right bye Hey hi honey how are you you   always have this empathy for everybody else but  and you always see everybody else so closely you   see other people I walk through the door and it's  Blanco you know it's like you don't even you know   I didn't you tell me that but your body and your  behavior doesn't tell me that's like I didn't   matter when I walked through the door I just  didn't matter when I walked through the door I   remember when we were dating you would just light  up so much how about I make your favorite dinner   you're just do you know that is so there's a lot  to dinner you're just trying to appease me now and   that just irritates me well honey but don't be mad  so there yeah I'm thinking how can you be a vassal   later please or a voyeur all in the same person  well I just switched roles no joking about me I'm   just seeing so much oh okay well things like this  in our life I'm gonna answer that because you just   brought up a very good point for what we were just  role-playing the vacillate are still protesting   the pleaser just tries very hard to please you  and make them happy but you know we have people   all the time say but I'm all of them and my next  question is always well did you have a difficult   childhood and they always say yes so in my home at  work to be an avoider it brought peace if no one   showed feelings in a chaotic home nothing works  you can try pleasing doesn't change a thing you   can hope for something doesn't doesn't happen you  can be the avoider it stills there's still chaos   so you know we just tell the people from difficult  homes just start with the thing you think you do   the most and it might not be the controller victim  it might be that you're more the fast later or   more the avoider at this point in your life so you  know I think if you're not sure you can always go   online and take the test and yeah Milan and Kay I  am so mindful we are out of time and we have like   ripped this band-aid off of a wound where we're  talking about styles and behavioral shoes we've   got to end with the god thing which is where do we  go when we know our heart a little better now and   we know that we're not living in a place that's  as healthy as it should be what are some of the   key things we can do you talk about soul words for  example and folks get the book that's the bottom   line I mean this is something you should invest  in so that you can have a healthier marriage and   it can be fun but it also be hard but we're not  going to be able to cover it all here today but   let's end on that high note of soul words what  God intends here how do we begin to restore   there's four steps become aware tell someone else  what you're aware of the other person listens and   then asks what do I need so I had to become aware  self-aware intel ke ke I realize that and this was   an answer to prayer to that Psalm 139 I pursue you  and you make me anxious when you look away because   I'm a fear-based person and when I could confess  that to you you your whole attitude toward me   changed and and it absolutely was a transforming a  transformative moment and then I had to Ephesians   4 speak the truth to her and tell her what was  really feeling she listened to that and then you   asked me questions I learned to listen I wasn't a  very good listener no neither of us were but then   you explained James 1 where we are supposed to be  quick to hear and slow to speak and slow to anger   yes those are all biblically driven mandates yeah  I think you know the hope is is we don't just talk   about the problem in our book the whole workbook  has been me revised as well and there's more than   these tweaked core patterns there's actually 9  core patterns that we have in the book and so the   workbook will take each of those files through  a growth process but in the end what we didn't   realize is that there's freedom mm-hmm I had I  didn't understand that a being of waiter was like   being in a prison and as I begin to grow out of  that I God gave me about my feelings he gave me   back the ability to ask for comfort and to feel  comfort and so I I can't encourage people enough   it's it's maybe hard to hear a diagnosis but with  a diagnosis change as possible well in one of the   ways of seeing that you know human beings we  are creatures of habit we fall into ruts and   what you're saying in a different vocabulary is  here's the payoff oh this is why it's worthy to   go through the pain of recognition the four steps  you just mentioned yeah describe the payoff what   does it look like today for the two of you that's  right and you have to pick your pain the pain of   staying stuck or the pain of growing and the  bet the benefit and the payoff for us today   is this is my best friend we know how to have  conversations that are all right unparalleled   anywhere else we're vulnerable were transparent  and we trust each other it's like trapeze artist   we can let go and know the other person's going  to catch me that's a beautiful word picture yeah   you know at the very end I'm mindful the fact that  one of the two have heard this program and they're   captivated hopefully by it and they're saying  yeah I'm gonna go home and talk to my husband   about this and there's not a great response  what is that spouse who is motivated to look   deeper do what the spouse that isn't start with  yourself it's always good if I you know if you   can even give your spouse the book and say I just  realized I'm a pleaser and will you read this and   see if you think that that describes me because  oh let them be the doctor you know I'm good yeah   I'm really gonna work on this this is really  important to me and you know so thank you for   helping me with that you you've implanted a seed  of curiosity mm-hmm and you're saying uh I'm gonna   change and grow and especially if you think your  spouse will be resistant that's a great approach   yeah that is a good point thanks for being with  us always so good we're glad to be here lovely to   be with you we love being here hey I'm John fuller  and thanks for watching get more info about focus   over here and more from our guests over there  and be sure to subscribe to our channel as well

Channel: Focus on the Family

Views: 43,382

Keywords: focus, on, the, family, focus on the family, focus on the family broadcast, Kay Yerkovich, Exploring Love Styles, The Five Love Languages, Marriage Advice, Marriage Help, Love

Id: sUM8rlkpixg

Length: 26min 40sec (1600 seconds)

Published: Fri Dec 07 2018