September 17, 2023 - Mid-Pointe - HOW WE LOVE - THE VACILLATOR

foreign [Music] thank you foreign [Music] foreign foreign [Music] foreign [Music] [Music] foreign [Music] foreign [Music] foreign foreign [Music] foreign foreign [Music] we are united in Jesus Christ [Music] apologies [Music] [Music] [Music] beyond my heart [Music] we have made our decisions [Music] Prince [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] with God's word enough [Music] Jesus Christ [Music] [Music] [Music] is [Music] [Music] Jesus Christ principalities [Music] [Music] [Music] Beyond God's word is [Music] then with God's word in our hearts [Music] all right Mike we're good all right perfect good morning uh good morning those people at home um and my name is Andrew Ernst and I go here I don't know you've heard me talk I talk out there um and so we're going to start with prayer if you don't mind uh father God I uh pray that you uh would bless uh the discussion that we have this morning the words that come out of my mouth and everybody else's uh that we would um learn uh more so how we love one another how you designed us uh so that we can uh love one another better and better serve you um all these things we pray in Jesus precious name amen all right um so today uh we are continuing with our how we love uh series uh we are going to focus on the vast leader a little bit today and figure out what that is my hope is that I'm going to chat for like 30 minutes and then we're gonna talk uh and so you don't have to listen to me talk for like 30 minutes but we'll see how that goes uh so the first thing I want to chat about is why how we love we've talked about Love Languages we've done a bunch of other series um so why did we choose how we love actually the answer to that is pretty simple our fearless leader is in the back and he said so uh next slide Mike I'm kidding but um but our fearless leader speaking of uh today is Don's 39th birthday so I thought we would start today by embarrassing him and singing a little happy birthday so if you would join me happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday [Music] to you I didn't put that one in the slide down but uh I I was thinking do I go 39 or 71 and I figured I'd like the 39 better uh there's a couple of cupcakes and Don's honor over there the Laura made so help yourself uh we run a pretty uh easy ship so if you want to get up at any time and go grab one that would be perfect um okay but in in a more serious tone like why how we love um we did the Love Languages we actually did the survey and people said hey we want to hear more about marriage and our relationships and so on and so forth um and this although it has that same word loving it is just very different than our love languages and so I think it's a good um uh yin and yang if you will to that um and then really there's two reasons uh the first is we're commanded the Love by Jesus uh oh so many times um you know in in Mark and then again in John um and then Mark this is the one where uh the Pharisees were kind of trying to trick Jesus um and they asked him what's the greatest command um and he says love the Lord or God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength um and he could have stopped right there because that's the truth of the matter um but he didn't he continued and said the second is this even though they didn't ask what that is love your neighbor as yourself there's no greater commandment than these kind of put together um and so you know that's the first part is is that Jesus commanded us to uh do it uh then in John he says a new command I give to you and I'm not sure if this was the same instance um or if this is a different one but love one another as I've loved you so that you must love one another by this everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another uh so first reason uh as to how we love well we're commanded to love so let's figure out how to do it better um and that's kind of the second part of this uh the second part so the weekend better understand our patterns and our Tendencies um specifically our faults um in our most important relationships um you know Jesus loves us or God loves us perfectly um you know Romans 8 38 39 for I'm convinced that nothing uh neither angels nor demons or any powers in either heightened nor depth nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our lord um you know so he does that perfectly like he never screws it up we don't um obviously being Sinners um we can't provide that same perfect love for one another but the better that we understand how we love um the way that we do and our faults uh the better husbands wives mothers and fathers that we can be so that's kind of the the idea behind why we're doing what we're doing here um so far you guys have heard a lot about our intimacy imprint um that occurs from a young age typically before five years old and that's the basis for this this underlying blueprint shapes our Behavior our beliefs expectations of our relationships especially marriage so effectively whether you're a vacillator or you're a pleaser or you are a voider or controller that is none of it is you're doing you didn't choose that at all this is all based upon blame it on our parents what they did uh zero to five um and so uh Milan and Kay or Milan or uh Milan we'll go with today uh after doing research and discovering patterns of themselves and the couples that they met um they didn't like discover this uh attachment Theory but they categorized the love Styles into the six that we've been introduced to um and we put the descriptions again in the bottom of the bulletin there's the pleaser uh the avoider uh today we're going to talk a little bit about the vacillator the chaotic victim uh the chaotic controller and then the uh desirable secure connector early on Don told us that about 80 percent of us are of these five here um and I guess I want to highlight the that K and Milan refer to these five whoops as the injured love Styles um and they're the injured love Styles because uh they're not the ones that God designed for us we're not designed to be Pleasers or vacillators or victims or controllers we're designed to be the secure connectors and so this is a result in the blue of what happened to us at a young age um and so you know it's not anything that we choose I I was trying to think um I think I kind of liken it and and my Preschool teachers if I'm wrong on this don't you can either just stop stop me or or keep your mouth shut uh I kind of like and I think it's a handwriting um so we you know how many people have bad handwriting with me okay perfect can was that any of your control like were you born with bad handwring well I'm not sure kind of I think um you know and if I am focused on it you know I'm a teacher my kids will tell you miss Ernst has good handwriting some days but when he's going quickly um there are times where I have to stop him in my class and say what the heck does that say so if I'm focused on it if I'm very concertedly attempting to make my handwriting better um I have control over that and I can I can have good handwriting but if I'm moving quickly and not thinking of others and the fact that other people have to read what I'm writing on the board all of a sudden it gets nasty and it gets sloppy and that's when I have injured handwriting if you will does that make sense so I kind of how the best thing that I could could I could introduce as far as a parallel to that now I do want to stress a couple points uh we're about to get into mathland here and through some Venn diagrams so I just want to make sure that we are up to par on that um so let's go with something that we know to start um let's talk about animals okay so this is a Venn diagram this is all animals give me a smaller Circle that would go in here uh sure mammals let's give them an even smaller Tigers perfect um so we have tigers here uh give me something that would not overlap with tigers dog perfect yes canines okay would be in a separate Circle and what would be something that would overlap with tigers specifically mountain lions lions yes okay now okay so what would go here just again to make sure that we can all read a Venn diagram what would go here yes Salama or an elephant or a salmon or anything that is an animal but it's not a tiger a line or a canine a dog obviously would go in here Lions would go here Tigers would go here and what would the wonderful creature that is the liger would go there and those of you that didn't know that a liger exists yes it absolutely does he found that out at Sunday morning Bible study there's actually also a tie on but ligers are far more common um ligers is when the larger one is the female so I think uh generally a lion is larger than the tiger so the lion is the female um nonetheless uh we need that here uh not specifically we're not going to talk anymore about animals but we are going to do a Venn diagram God designed us all to be secure connectors period that is what we are designed to be so we all fall into that um and then within that when we are rushing when we're not thinking of other people and we are just scribbling and our handwriting gets bad that's when we start to fall into our injured love style like chaotic victim okay pleaser chaotic controller vacillator and avoider okay but you will notice whoops that these are overlapping um and so what does that mean well it means that the chances of you being just a pleaser are slim to none or just a victim chances are you are a Vic teaser or you are a vassaloider or something along those lines um and so I guess my point is twofold on that number one this is not a perfect science we don't fit into boxes number two um with pleaser and with avoider and and with the entire series that we did on Love Languages there was no negative okay we're going to talk about the vacillator today and and then Don's going to talk about chaotic controller next week and you're going to kind of be like I'm a chaotic controller like there there's like some squirmy parts to it that that just don't paint like a great picture just because you you know tend to um identify yourself as a controller or a vacillator or even a pleaser avoider it doesn't mean that all of those traits fit you and it doesn't mean that there are other traits that don't fit you cool all right perfect question nice all right let's get into vacillator so uh what does it mean to vacillate uh more math talk here uh that's a sine curve um and a vacillator is kind of here and here and here and here uh vacillate in and of itself or oscillate means to to alternate between two extremes to waver uh between two opinions or actions uh to be indecisive um and I don't I actually I don't like love the term after looking at it but hopefully we'll be able to open it up and and see what this looks like um after a little bit so a vastly little love style is based on a strong desire for connection okay vacillators idealize new relationships this is a direct quote But when reality sets in and they have to wait for their spouse to be available vacillators become critical and focus on the problems with their spouse a vacillator's goal is to feel special elusive seen and understood that would be the top of that that curve vaselers experience a high level of internal conflict this is back on the way down and a high level of emotional stress within relationships there's a high level of anxiety that ends up getting masked beneath a fair amount of anger so so the hurt and the anxiety that comes in oftentimes gets released through anger and then vast leaders desperately want their connections with other people to be or to last and to be predictable they're easily disappointed and often feel betrayed when their expectations are not met so they very much take that personally and again anger rather than hurt is the typical feeling when they're confronted with disappointment of others lastly they very much see things as right and wrong black and white um you know and uh it's either they did or they didn't um you know the the descriptions that we have here at the bottom uh the avoider I like people but I'm not very comfortable when they get emotional no that's the avoider my bad the vacillator I long for close Connection in relationships but people always let me down I spend a lot of time in my head trying to process all the disappointment and I wonder why relationships are so hard and so the obvious question unless you already unless you have any um going into the next slide here anybody or any comments is how do we get there um so how did a vacillator get there and this is kind of um it makes sense based upon the fact that they're Desiring that connection a child who is a vacillator often receives sporadic inconsistent attention based upon their parents needs and moods uh the child waits for attention and it is completely on their parents terms and that causes them to be a little bit ambivalent ambivalent meaning torn meaning having two different thoughts simultaneously thus that vacillating I want you but I'm also mad at you that I never get to get you on my terms is kind of how the vast later ends up becoming what they are um they they want their that relationship they want that interaction with their parents but they can't just walk up and get it from them typically they're typically waiting on their parents um precursor to do a discussion question I have um this worries me immensely I feel very uh convicted reading this statement holding this having three children if that makes sense Dad Dad yeah hold on one second and so uh I you know and I don't know we'll talk about that a little bit later but that that I think is a good illustration of what you know a vacillator perhaps looks like and obviously for us growing up that wasn't the case so I'm sure there could be other things that would have caused that work you know your parents having uh been very much involved in something else and not able to give you attention on your on your watch um and then this is probably the most important point from the slide the child becomes others focused okay so then reading that you're like okay that's good they're not self-centered they're others focused um but in this particular case um the others focused is talking about developing a little ability very little ability to reflect on how their own wounds and behaviors affect their relational Dynamics okay so effectively they are basing everything on what the other person is doing well this this is hard because they are doing this or they are doing this or they're not doing this um and that other's Focus carries vacillators into adulthood anything on the childhood before we transition into the adulthood okay actually I'm going to take um no no we'll wait we'll wait okay so vasilators in adulthood the other's Focus Carries On they are hyper aware of how others hurt or anger them there is very little awareness or ability to reflect on how their wounds and behaviors contribute to relational Dynamics so that same statement that we had as as children very much Carries On there is much difficulty accepting the weaknesses of others vacillators often want their partner to know what they are thinking without saying what they are thinking if you see a few Smiles I also smile at that statement um and lastly a tendency to reflect more on how others have hurt them as of as opposed to reflecting on uh their own shortcomings okay so I think now that we're done with the descriptions of vast leaders you perhaps get what I'm saying about with a voider and pleaser there wasn't necessarily so much negativity um you know I think a lot of these are like uh but I think the bigger thing is that um they're just like they're predisposed to I I'm focused on what other people are doing as to what I'm I'm doing myself um you know and and I think this is another good illustration I meant to say this earlier uh they read on the back of the book did you know that your last fight with your spouse began before you ever met um this is not you know this is a predisposition it's handwriting it's it's something that happened before it's not a choice um and so that's what vacillators look like in adulthood and and that's the last of the descriptions for vacillators questions comments all right perfect we're good um so now I just want to pose some questions um my first question so if the secure connector um is ideal um so I'm comfortable with myself and with others and I'm able to handle conflict uh negative emotions and both giving and receiving when I need help I'm not afraid to ask for it so that's what God desires us to be that's what he designed us to be um how do we go from vacillator to secure connector and I got a little bit more at the end hoping not to step on toes we're going to talk about the secure connector after Don talks and then challenging combinations and then identifying love Styles at the end but we're really pivoting I think here in week four you know Don and I were discussing this yesterday um from here let's let's talk about what this stuff is to let's talk about how it helps us and and how we can use you know what K and Milan have organized and put together to improve our relationships um so any ideas on how we're going to go from vacillator to secure connector or avoider to secure connector or any of those particular love styles to secure connector [Music] concentrate more on your shortcomings versus theirs yeah I think so Caleb so I think a big part of it is you're really upset when someone else lets me down and I think an important part of the secure connector is like recognizing that's going to happen like accepting it right we all let God down and God is like you know the perfect secure connector and it's not that like God is like well they it's not really their problem it's actually my problem right like obviously he doesn't have any problems is that it is actually our problem but to be the secure connector it's the acceptance and the love not the like judgment and the like criticality that was good I didn't think that God and Jesus as being the perfect secure connector and us being completely at fault all the time um yeah that's really good uh-huh you've heard two is you know where but have um Tools in place for how to manage the way you're feeling when you start feeling that way right because um like for me I might be okay the first couple of times but then you might put me over the edge and then it's like anger anger anger so how do I like manage that anger once I start feeling that way how do I like take a deep breath and walk away instead of for sure for sure um I actually that's a that's a wonderful transition in terms of like having the tools and recognizing recognizing um two things that you said um that's the core pattern so um you know if you haven't read this book we're going to have extras you can somebody can have mine when I'm done with it there's a bunch of marks in it I'm done with it I should say but um there's a bunch of marks in it but it is like somewhat staggering how um how accurate in my opinion this core pattern is so they basically pair you up and we'll talk a lot more about that um with uh with the weeks coming here but so the core pattern is basically taking whatever love style you are and whatever love style your spouse is and if you read through you're like holy cow that's like pretty much exactly how every big fight ends up happening is there's this build up there's this you know and so on and so forth and I could read you a particular uh core pattern but um there are like I don't know 24 of them or whatever it is because there's six yeah 24 trust me um so there's 24 of them uh so but discover that core pattern of you and your spouse this will often predict what will happen next and show why um you know Laura's dance moves um are not uh in step and are are stinking a little bit um and then the other thing that we just kind of hit on when we were saying that is you know recognition like Steve said is huge for every love style but specifically um for vacillators um K and Milan have found that vacillators have the most difficulty seeing their part in the relational problems as we've talked about that others Focus um so they also have set up um speaking of uh of organization and tools um there is this thing that they put together uh it's called Uh the circle of the Comfort Circle Comfort Circle um in Comfort circles printed on the back of your bullets in here and so we're going to briefly talk about this if I could have four people look up those verses when we talk about each piece I'm gonna have you read them quickly um and then we'll we'll uh we'll kind of get into seek awareness uh so Laura if you want to take the psalm and Jill take the Ephesians and Missy take the James and David take Second Corinthians good perfect what's that you've got Ephesians yeah Laura you got Psalms uh ex Missy you got James David you got second Corinthians that's how I do in the classroom too kids don't volunteer I just say boom boom boom some of them hate it some of them love it I'm sorry if you don't want to read you can pass it off to your person sitting next to you okay so um this Comfort Circle um basically it and and we'll probably get into it more in the few in next few weeks the way that I understand it um seek awareness is constantly being done so this is a very healthy marriage relationship you are constantly trying to seek awareness we'll dive into that in a second engage has also very constantly done okay so this would go back and forth in a healthy relationship when there are walls being built um that's when you need to explore and that is a dialogue and then you end up resolving um whatever that wall is whatever that issue is okay um and so uh all of this is biblically backed as we talked about so uh Laura if you would some uh 139 23 and 24. says search me God and know my heart test me and know my anxious thoughts see if there is any offensive way in me and Lead Me in the way Everlasting perfect um so seek awareness like get to know yourself allow God to work into that um so they Define awareness as the act of attending to our souls which is interesting I like I would have never thought awareness awareness beware um and this is the act of attending to our souls and so they talk about both self-awareness and others awareness um and what they mean by this is they they want you to notice when others are stressed and need to be heard um so especially within your marriage but just in general um and they give a really nice illustration on this um and that is that this is like looking at the gauges and the warning lights on our cars and all of us have exactly two tanks okay the first is our fuel tank that needs intake and the second is our pressure tank and that needs release okay so what needs to go into our fuel tank take some guesses what do we need emotionally speaking Yeah we need we we do need the word we need the Bible but from for the day-to-day from our from our spouse to to build ourselves up what do you think some of the words that are going to go into that fuel tank might be affection what else information affirmation was listening uh appreciation I mean obviously we could fill this thing up with a whole bunch there these were just seven or eight that I either grabbed from the book or found there yeah they're the things that you would assume um so we need this regardless I don't care if you're a pleaser you're an avoider you're a you're a uh I'm thinking of Love Languages now you're a feels person or you're a Gift Giver all of us need this Fuel and we can pretend like we don't need it or we can we may not need it as much as the next person if your words of affirmation person you need that a ton I know I'm blending in two different love things at once but um you need that a ton but all of us need it and then the pressure um tank this is the one that can't be full and needs to let go um there are only three things in this one anybody have an idea of one of those where we have to get rid of uh yeah and I would say anger in the form of uh stress okay so you have to release that stress and typically anger is just a result of the stress um that so that is just something that the way that stress shows itself and again I'm not a clinical psychologist so I'm gonna see if I say something dumb just you know correct me um and the other two um are unexpressed feelings uh and unresolved issues so those are the things that if if they just sit in us and just continue to grow and grow and grow that's one boom um things are going to explode I thought that that was kind of a good illustration that they have so the seek awareness you know that's kind of what they're chatting about um and that's the first step everybody should be doing this regardless of walls no walls um so on and so forth questions comments all right so uh second one is engage um and so Jill Ephesians 4 25 26 11 76 76 therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor for we are all members of the body in your anger do not sin do not let the sun go down while you are still angry you know I didn't know that that was uh in the Bible actually everybody tells you don't go to sleep when you're upset with your spouse huh that's in there actually it's in there twice no it's not never mind that's good I thought I read Proverbs 18 we're going to talk about in a little bit but I think I was reading that one okay Second Step again everybody should be doing this within their marriages according to km Milan it's very easy at start uh there's a few problems less pressure uh it's new um you love each other's company truly love each other's company all the time you're talking about like engage I'm talking about when you're engaged this is early on in the relationship um you you're constantly hey lovey-dovey uh get a room type thing um and so walls get created uh both big ones and little ones um so how do then do we break those um this first one is interesting get to know your spouse as they change um so that's so weird get to know your spouse I mean you probably know your spouse better than anyone else on this Earth perhaps you could argue their parents know you better um but Kay and Milan Milan says I have known three different versions of K and K says that he's she's known four different versions of uh of Milan um and like what do they mean by versions well what changes us what's a big thing that changes us ladies children yes children change us okay um what else changes us when your children leave yeah children are leaving changes as growing older changes US Health changes us jobs change friends change perhaps like your location changes um and in that entire part priorities and dreams change you know um You probably have the conversation of what do you want to do in 20 years what do you want to do in 30 years those are some awesome conversations that Jill and I have we probably don't have them often enough but get to know your spouse as they change have fun which is a good one uh share your secrets be honest be vulnerable be a learner from your spouse that can be a tough one I think from some people I've heard of stories of husbands trying to teach their wives how to drive stick shift or vice versa and and when all of this like in that trying to teach stick shift sucks and a wall gets built back up be patient and reset with have fun um and so you know they talk about like have fun as in now don't go out on a date and don't have any conversations about the wall that was built up and what we're trying to get through right now um just reset with uh go and have fun um and these are I think all things that we've probably heard of before but good reminders um and biblically based questions comments concerns the uh also grieved with change don't uh don't just think well my wife has not changed but grief that yeah don't keep it in for sure um I don't I'm not going to find the part of the book and read it to you but um K had a miscarriage when she was four months old she's an avoider and so she had the uh not when she was four months old when the baby was that would have been super weird um so she had a miscarriage and um being an avoider like she she lost it obviously and and Milan also was like Iraq and she said I have to go somewhere and they lived in I think Dallas and she flew to San Diego for three days sat in a hotel room and cried and journaled and in the meantime they had other kids Milan is sitting at home he's a pleaser he doesn't want anybody to be mad at him he somehow thinks this is her being mad that she's in San Diego and he's here that this is his fault of yada yada not sleeping at all trying to take care of two kids and it was just a result of how they processed because that's what she knew and so they said that that experience alone changed them oh so much that was a result of one of the versions of each of them so big deals grieving and I think communication just in general um you know between your spouse and yourself is um is huge in that regard all right last couple I told you I was going to try to get it by the top of the hour to shut up but um not quite okay so explore um this is uh where we start to encounter those walls and those problems and James 1 19 if you would before I get into it Missy okay so this is a listener listener and speaker activity that they um that they propose the goal is not to solve the problem but to gain understanding um Proverbs 18 2 and 15 um if somebody wants to find that quick Don you got it that it's it's going to talk about striving to use the brain that the Lord has blessed you with if I if I don't uh if I didn't screw that up go ahead okay so Proverbs 18 2 is full cycle pleasure and understanding the light in hearing their own opinions in verse 15 says the heart of the Discerning acquires knowledge for the ears of the wise seek it out right so trying to gain that understanding of your spouse of specifically why you're in the situation that you're in you know that first one talks about like hey you can have conversations but not listening and fools are the ones that just want to you know shout out their opinion I'm feeling convicted again but um shout out their opinion regardless and have something to say um and then you know speak responsibly um is another part of that Proverbs 18. they talk about uh you know speaking responsibly and making sure that you are not uh stepping on toes and we all know this but um they talk about choosing carefully your words for example I'm sick of never uh coming I'm sick of you never coming home on time uh can be made positive by saying I appreciate how hard you work to provide for our family which is why I work hard to make a nice dinner I need to talk to you about your work schedule so I don't end up feeling so frustrated when dinner's ready and you're not here to share it with us the rule of thumb is to always confront problems tenderly um it's very hard to do that I think um especially so eloquently um but um expectations right yeah employing the issue expectation and the vacillator um they say the vascular is really eloquent then that's going to give me to my next point to when one of these discussion questions but um so the explore part is used to confront a specific issue be pointed with questions and statements try not to use blaming words like you always or you never and instead use I statements all right last one uh resolve David second Corinthians one three and four all right Lusty the God and father of our Lord Jesus Christ the father of Mercies the God of All Comfort s Us in all our Affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any Affliction with the comfort with which ourselves are confronted by God and so oh you're good um so this is the conclusion of that that four-part piece there the resolve and it's not linear or cyclical but effectively it's the summing up of the rest listening here own and confess forgive and reassure agree and disagree negotiate and compromise analyze and solve support and encourage celebrate and enjoy through that process like that's the goal of all four of these together is for us to listen in here and these aren't like I said necessarily linear um you know I'm listening here we may not yeah we should do those you know we may not agree and disagree it may be a very straightforward thing so some of those steps might be skipped but that's the resolve piece hmm a lot of times when people speak they they say things that they don't mean in other words uh they'll uh you have to keep going on man don't don't stop that's okay uh you can't get exact right now but anyway don't uh don't stop listening because uh but I always thought of this God gave us two beers and one mouse let's listen twice as much as we say you can speak I've heard that before um and I think too when it's built up on stress you said you say things you don't mean um I think for sure like when there's that underlying stress and you are just releasing from that pressure tank you say things that you know you're not trying to do that whole eloquent speech about you know going around you're just gonna say dang it get home earlier um so yeah for sure um so that's the Comfort Circle we'll talk more about that um in the next uh few um few weeks as we will We these Soul words um you really should jump onto their website it's kind of it's kind of fun they have like 10 free resources this is one of them um so vacillators specifically they say you're a rock star eloquent speaker you don't need help with this but some of the love Styles they're literally incapable of expressing what they're feeling and so they give you like these 150 different words so that you can look at them real quick and go oh I'm feeling baffled between these different Love Languages so I'm vacillator controller and those two and they're they are I don't know how many people have taken the quiz online okay so go to the website take the quiz um some of it's pretty dark and the vacillator is a more dark love style and so is the controller victim chaotic controller victim and it doesn't mean you're all of them or you know what you're saying what you're saying but so I don't have a problem expressing what I'm thinking it's how I express it so as a vacillator and then as we go and segue into next week with controller my issue is that the way I do it is not help so expect because if you touched on an earlier black and white right and wrong is part of the vacillator mindset it's how I see the World As a Christian that can also become dangerous too because then it's everybody's right or wrong but the other part that takes place with that is good and bad and so I'm always categorized and everything is good and bad and it's not everything's not necessarily good bad right so as a vast leader I'm going to be really careful of that especially with Julie and how I express it so for the vacillators of the room that's one thing that I constantly trying to be aware of yeah I think there's a bit of irony here leaders are supposedly very eloquent speakers but then they also want their partner to know what they're thinking without saying it I mean it's just like you catch 22. right it is I mean a lot of it and that's where the there's the imperfection I mean the secure connectors the the one that's you know perfect the way that we're designed but right there's a lot of inconsistencies Missy is someone else's responsibility to fix something better versus myself all right away from the Vaseline that kind of um there have been a few things that have been uh somewhat bugging me um about this um I've read the whole book um and then went back and you know read other parts more so and you know Jill hippen Becker said this last week um I have five kids and they're all within 10 years and nothing crazy happens and we have the same type of jobs and I've got a pleaser I've got a controller I've got a vacillator I've got so on and so forth um so what like what are your thoughts on nature versus nurture in this um do you believe that you have the tendency towards a particular love style before any affection attachment intimacy is shown to you uh Michelle I'm a dangerous answer to this question all right I'm sorry I like James sorry so as we're going through this earlier I'm like I've heard of this before so I went and look it up on the extreme and extreme end vacillators technically are borderline personality disorders the extreme end is that what threatened the matter with me all these years no you can't pick up me today okay nobody here said that um so I do think there is some level of nature involved in it I mean we all are sinners we were born into sin so I do think there is you know a degree in everybody that we're going to have love Styles and personality styles that are not necessarily you know we didn't come out perfect a lot of our parents wounds perfect so yeah I think there is a level of nature in there I think nurture doesn't play a big role because even though we're not on perfect people who have maybe more opportunities or parents that are more loving we're able to render that attention probably would have less problems as they get older but yeah I absolutely believe there is an element of nature involved where you know yeah you have five kids but each kid exposed to something different right because now you have siblings that are in play and like you know maybe when your first kid was an only child they spent more time with grandparents but your second kid now the grandparents don't want to watch two kids and you know what I mean um it just kind of you can't ensure that your children are being brought up in the same environment across the board there are too many different things to take into play there's school there's teachers there's friends there's friends parents there's you know maybe a grandparent passed away you know and you're they're experiencing it different at different ages there's just so much variability in what someone experiences in their life so you know even if there is part nature I think there's so much more to that nurture aspect than we even like equally comprehend yeah part of my presentations but um I think the more and more I think about those discussions those questions those first few weeks the way I hate looking at you are born with personality traits born with these traits and then ultimately what they're saying with that imprinting is you are and it's all about emotional connection so when you look at emotional connection what do I need you are exposed very young to how is it meant what did I need those pieces so you got five different kids that might already and her each of them has a different personality and has a different emotional need the goal is that in those relationships marital parent child how are those needs being met yeah I mean I would argue Joe I don't think the parents the same way because that's what our kid needs from us I mean I will say I'm the youngest before I think one of my older sisters like was like hey I like take care of babies she's four years older than me and so my Kim like I was like oh yeah she took care of it all the time she played with you all this stuff so much I mean you got four kids you're like great perfect awesome you know let it happen she's happy we're all happy but birth like week you know it was the same parents same household like a lot of things were like very similar but she didn't have that four-year-old's older sibling to take care of her and you know play with her and so she was probably a very big yeah it factors all that factors in but don't forget the whole point is what is your primary care here and most of the times the parents but you know I afford an older siblings six five four three years older they were much my caregiving too and in perfect ways because there are only however mature they are whatever their interests are so it's think of that primary caregiver and don't forget to what you said Missy is so vital because things change with each of the needs of the child but then the circumstances somebody may get cancer a parent may pass away and then it creates a certain trauma within the family that forms some of that intimacy improve so you know nature nurture they're all factored in who knows what the tech balance that's right all right let's expect you more kind of similar or different I I guess this is probably personal thing so nobody has to share if they want but love style or love language no because well so what is it touch uh words of affirmation acts of kindness interactive service quality time quality time yes yes there you go you got it Michelle I feel like these love languages are very neutral like there's no right or wrong there's no bad or good they're just very neutral this is just the way you are I think your love style and how that gets acted out is where it's less neutral like we've already talked like some of these you know love Styles can be a little can be dark and some of them are definitely not a good pattern so I I think it's an equal it's equal I think I think I've learned so much more of this and like I said I think I would encourage you you probably won't agree with everything I don't agree with everything in the book um but it's it's been eye-opening a little bit and you know with love language like I like I'm a physical touch at least that's how I receive it and it's just like oh that's how like how I was and how I am and but the other part of it like no a knowing that there's both you and your spouse and how you interact in that explanation it's pretty interesting um so I would say it's love style for me Dave I think it's your Venn diagram to be honest you know well I mean yeah like or whatever so I think I think there's some intersection between to do I mean I think oh like I think I'm um words of affirmation so you're saying replace the uh holy yeah we got a lot of clicks but you're saying replace the Lost Styles here with Love Languages also yeah I mean I think there's there's a there's a there's a connect there's some that are pieces that are mutually exclusive and there's overlap and I think sort of in the whole notion of black words of affirmation that brings affection to me yeah right so if I'm not getting that or very selfish in my example but if I'm not getting that I mean that's where a lot of conflict sure so I want to clarify one thing and this is going back to square one what we talked about first week five love languages is your god-designed imprint he wired you a certain way a certain personality trait but love style is what happened to you intimacy imprint myelin says in the book and in the podcast is that it's the download of like a data computer program it's downloaded into you and it's what happened to you okay so that's it now how much each one factors in but a love language is a language is part of your personality trait to tell your liar the love style comes from what happened to you so they're two very different things now they all overlap once again which have more impact to be debated so yeah I feel like the love styles are and this is not you know an indictment Agony of the people who are presenting or anything like that but just like love styles are very focused on like me and the Love Languages at least to me I'm actually very focused on others the spouse right it's like okay I might have this love language that's not really what's important right what's really important is what's the love language of my spouse and that's how I need to communicate my love to them in that way love style is just like well I'm I'm this way I messed up this bike but the actual point of this is I should be the security connector right so regardless of where I'm coming from the goal is really clear and maybe our path to get to the goal is different depending on where we are but like I think I totally understand the need to kind of focus on the thing I love that we're going to use security connector at the end like that that's the goal um but I feel like the the perspective of the two is a little bit different sure um they both involved one the awareness of myself but two listening and validating so we're both those but I agree I think lifestyle saying there is this idea of a lot of languages sure yeah that's true thinking that I feel like in our relationship when either of our love languages met we tend to be a little bit more of the secure connector rather than I feel like if I get the quality time will be mine so if I get that undivided attention I better securely connect with him if we're open he better communicates with me so right it's almost like a flow again almost well somebody's got to come up with a diagram tank it's the intake yeah that's the tank sure sure yeah that makes sense but I feel like it needs to be said that none of these can be like we can do our part we have to take action to go from our unhealthy love styles to our healthy secure connector but we we can't do that in our own strength well and I think sometimes we focus on you know I love all these books I mean I have these books in my home um but we get focused on okay what do I need to do I need to do this let me do that and sometimes we forget to fall under God's Authority and submit and be humble um and this is just me speaking from my own experience and trying to become the secure connector so just daily submitting to him and um yeah just walking with him we we can achieve this but without that and I know that's implied but just wanted to say it out loud for sure no I agree and that you know the first thing what do we need you hold up the Bible agreed that probably should have been two of the parts of that of that input tank um my last question had to do with vacillators do we think there's going to be more vacillators uh in the future or more avoiders due to our current technology situation like I was saying but I think hopefully the answer is no I don't know um but you know as parents I it's a good reminder like you hold your spouse accountable but think about the words you're going to say before you say it before you do you know say it very eloquently like we did but yep it's just gonna just gonna read from Ephesians 4 29 it says do not let any impulsive talk come out of your mouths but only what is hopeful helpful for building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen according to the need of the moment for sure we talk about saying things that are truthful and honest there's time for everything and it's hard to say without being hard for sure we're sorry we have forgiveness and lest we make the Sunday School teachers uh Angry go to work thank you for listening all right let's pray dear God we uh we just come before you this morning thank you for Designing us the way that you did love style love language whatever that might be you made us perfectly in your image we asked that you would help us to continue to grow with those that we love uh be it our our significant other our spouse and our children help us to be in the word to be in communication with you praying so that we are able to grow closer to you and those around us uh it's in Jesus name that we pray amen yes [Music]

Channel: Immanuel Crystal Lake

Views: 120

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Id: udRzIYy6AzU

Length: 68min 20sec (4100 seconds)

Published: Mon Sep 18 2023