Should I make one last attempt to stop my divorce or let it go?

Kurt from Alando Florida listens on wtl and hello Kurt how are you I'm doing all right how are you guys doing great what's doing on well yeah you would miss your little leading about your daughter kind of helped me a little bit several months ago I called you guys back in June my wife of 15 years asked me for a divorce and you guys were nice nice enough to send me how we love I've read that and found out a lot about myself and a lot about her unfortunately she's still proceeding with the divorce she since moved out and it's you know getting all the paperwork and ready to go I had stopped probably after about a month of begging and pleading and crying and you know let's not do this I stopped doing that and so I guess my question is knowing that she is a fascinator she's a beautiful girl you probably put her picture in the book and increased sales she's just beautiful but she is she has a vast later to the to the T and I'm kind of I'm an avoider pleaser nomination type thing anyway should I make one more push my question should do I make one more push to her and say let's try to work this out or do I just kind of like you just said let God kind of work it out in his time okay well let's let's talk with literally the doctor of vacillation you seem to work with so many of these women and often they are quite attractive women well they're not just women they're men I mean I have as many vas later men in my office as I do women I stand corrected well we just you know I think it's important to say that attachment styles are gender-neutral yes essentially and I have the equal number on both sides of the aisle so Kurt I appreciate you trying and I appreciate you trying to understand yourself and your wife you know what I think I think that you know vasa leaders always want to run away from somebody that seems distant to them or somebody that they can't create intensity with and she might be leaving you because she feels like she's never been able to reach into you and ever have any can with you which is Kara Scott you've described it perfectly she says she says I'm a great dad I'm a great provider I'm even a good husband but she I can't give her what she wants and she can't trust me with her heart because I just what you described right there right the problem is is though sometimes vast leaders men and women want there to be too much of your capacity to engage with their heart they overwhelm you and and if you don't quite match their expectations then what happens is is they reject you because they have an idealized view as to what that would look like you know it maybe they have Princess Bride you know pictured in their mind you know the movie where there's an incredible intensity of love and romance and it's just really fairytale ish they struggle with reality and they have a high ideal as to what they would like love to feel like and then they struggle with the gap between that and reality what I would do is I would tell her because it sounds like you really do love her and I would tell her I love you a divorce is never final in my book until you end up remarrying somebody else and I'm going to be available for you and I will always be here for you and to say no matter what the papers say about the divorce I still love you and will be available and I will also if my name is Curt I'm going to try to learn to better access my feelings and emotions I'm going to try to be able to share more feelings with her and be more transparent with her about my real state about how I'm feeling because that's attractive to vast leaders okay don't give up I and and I there every year we do a marriage conference and that's what I would be saying to her we have to go to this yeah we're doing one with with a new life here we're doing one on in April yes that's what I'd be pointing toward well is it what she's told me oh because we went to counseling and you know once the counselor started to zero in on her and saying she has some abandonment issues from her childhood Sibella yeah that's that's too bad well yes she says she won't do anything right now to repair the marriage right that's her well she's me but I will bring it up she's made you all bad and I am she's evil she's made the marriage all bad which is what vast leaders tend to do they tend to go between all good and all that but I would just be patient with her tell her you're here you're not going anywhere and you know it's it's interesting Steve we hear stories here on the radio of people who got divorced and then got remarried you know divorce isn't a final thing it's just a piece of paper right I can continue to pursue somebody and I'm not going to give up and to tell that person that that you love and vast letters are often very poor in their self-reflection skills they always target everybody else as making them feel a certain way it's just so sad that that they they need to hear the truth and it's the truth that runs them off in counselling unless you are able to delicately handle that how do you handle that how do you talk truth to the vasa later without them doing what his wife did well first of all I I don't know how I do that I but I they know I love them mm-hmm they also know that I understand them I tell them the struggle they're having before they tell me the struggle they're having or I add to it and they get you you finally give me some you do get me and then that allows me to bridge into their histories and talk about the characteristics of the vast later and then deep personalize the marriage just a little bit and say you know what you guys are like every other vast later avoider couple you know and there's millions of you out there it's such an insult kind of to be able to be pegged so accurately though well it's it could be some people don't like being labeled that others love it because oh so that's what's wrong I mean we get letters daily from people who say it is such a relief to finally find out what's going on in our relationship and and sometimes the vast leaders men and women learn slowly after the failure of the second or third relationship and they finally I'm the common denominator so it takes time and it may never be repaired all you can do in the Bible says Kurt for you is hard to pin spawn you be a piece of all people and you can only do your best all right Kurt I'm going to send you walking into walls and I hope that that will help you there and sounds like that you've overcome that first wall I talk about stubborn resistance you're willing it's too bad it's tough for vast leaders to get over that wall

Channel: New Life Ministries

Views: 17,558

Keywords: nlla, 9-14-11, divorce, how, we, love, vacillator, avoider

Id: 8PwyV27cBNE

Length: 7min 0sec (420 seconds)

Published: Tue Sep 27 2011