The Vacillator Imprint & How It Impacts Your Romantic Relationship

how's it going guys it's paul myers licensed professional counselor owner and lead therapist of intentional counseling and we are a group practice we're specializing in mental health and we're in frisco texas and today i'm going to cover one of the childhood imprints from one of my favorite books howie love i'll put a link to that book in the description if you guys want to purchase it for yourselves but i'm going to cover an overview highlight of the vacillator imprint so so in the book it talks about different childhood environments and how our childhood environment impacts our romantic relationships and so the vacillator imprint is one of those childhood environments where the uh the parents are very inconsistent so so we're gonna do we're gonna cover uh the parenting style that in the the childhood environment that creates this imprint we're going to talk about the symptoms of the imprint and the characteristics of the imprint and we'll talk about the resolution and the cure how to combat and beat that imprint to fix it so we have parenting style the parents usually with this type of environment they're really inconsistent really unstable they're really unpredictable and it's mostly on the parents terms so there's some love and there's some bond and there's some connection that's really powerful but it's really unreliable and um unpredictable for the child and so what happens is the the child hopes and longs for a deep connection but they never really know when that's going to occur and so there's always these high hopes and then a hypersensitivity to rejection or any kind of abandonment or anything like that so that's kind of the parenting style there so some bond but on the parents terms it's inconsistent it's unpredictable it's unreliable and typically it's based on the parent's mood rather than based on the needs of the child okay so then we have symptoms of the vascular style the key characteristic is very very high expectations in relationships the expectations are very unrealistic for that vacillator they're they're really hoping that that this relationship will give them all of their needs and will be the opposite of what they're accustomed to with their relationships with their parents and that it'll be the positive aspect of their relationship with their parents without the negative aspect so there's a lot of expectation that comes with this style and so what happens with those high expectations they tend to you know really idolize their spouse and they they tend to overvalue their new relationship that they have relationships for the vaccinators that are new start off with lots of passion lots of fireworks and it's really um intense but then as the relationship newness wears off the the vacillators really struggle with that and they tend to think that there's something wrong with their relationship when it's really just normal right just infatuation ends so what happens is they have high expectations they idolize new relationships and then what happens is those new relationships are not new and there's always going to be a disappointment or a hurt because we're human we have flaws so we're going to hurt each other whether it's intentional or not and so those hurts and disappointments are really extreme and extra potent for a vacillator because it it reminds them of some of those childhood rejections disappointments and neglect that they're accustomed to and that sense of disappointment is really really potent and extreme so vaseline tend to think in black and white so they're only focused on their spouse's flaws a lot of the time and not the good or they're only focused on the good and not the flaws and they have a very hard time seeing both simultaneously so so typically on a vascular perspective they can only focus on one at a time so it's going to be focused on mostly flaws when they're feeling hurt and disappointment and pain and they're very angry or only on their spouse's positive qualities ignoring the negative and when they're idolizing and romanticizing their spouse okay so very black and white thinking so then a lot of times vessels will be very resentful and spiteful so they tend to vacillate between idolizing their spouse and then looking uh down on their spouse and being resentful and hurt they tend to punish their spouse and be a bit vicious and a bit spiteful with their anger when they're hurt and disappointed and so they go back and forth and create this push-pull style of relating to their spouse right so the key component is unrealistic romanticizing of love and relationships of high hopes guaranteeing disappointment which guarantees a lot of anger and resentment which creates a push-pull style they don't realize it's very subconscious no one realizes they're doing this it's just natural and from their past and it's not something that people think about all the time so one last symptom is that vesselers are really overly aware of how their spouse is being close to them or distant from them emotionally so if they're feeling really close to their spouse they're they're very aware of that they're very happy if they're feeling that their spouse is pulling away from them and distant they get very hurt by that and they're overly aware of that so when it may very well just be something that has nothing to do with them right so it's good to be keep in mind those symptoms that's kind of the characteristics and of of that style very problematic as you guys can imagine and so we have the resolution to the style that's the bad news the good news is what do we do about it how do we how do we get better how do we get healthy so number one thing with vacillation the anger that comes from the disappointment usually just pushes your spouse away further anger is the only emotion that's really non-vulnerable and it pushes people away and creates an unsafe environment and so rather than expressing anger it's okay to feel anger but expressing the anger has an opposite effect of what they're looking for they're actually looking for closeness but the anger um has very counter-productive to that goal okay so instead of being angry we're trying to share the hurt that's underneath that anger uh that that's much more realistic it's much more um real it's much more authentic and it really gets to the core of what you're really feeling which means we can actually address some of that okay next is vulnerability so being vulnerable requires you to share your fears or share your desire for connection share your hurts and disappointments and just be open and real and that creates an opportunity to connect which is really what they're looking for is that connection what they do not want is to push their spouse away and not be vulnerable out of anger and then you never really get your needs met that way okay so next solution is going to be communicating expectations very clearly vacillators have very high expectations that we just mentioned that's one of the key components so the one of the symptoms is to lower those expectations to be more realistic obviously that is another cure is lowering expectations but then the expectations you do have you really want to communicate clearly that clear expectations will help give your spouse a fighting chance somewhat and give them a better chance of actually meeting your needs they won't meet all of your needs but they'll meet more of your needs if you're communicating that clearly sometimes you have to even figure out what you expect most people don't even know what they expect so try to really do some introspection you know look deep into your heart be real vulnerable with yourself i'm trying to be honest about what it is you're really needing and looking for and whether it's realistic or not right and communicate what you need in a very direct way okay forgiveness is another huge aspect to any good marriage any good relationship the oscillators in particular struggle with forgiveness because they hold on to past hurts so choosing forgiveness regularly creates a prime environment for healing and grace which will be healthy and needed in any good marriage okay the last thing is not blaming and punishing your spouse for past hurts from your parents but instead realizing that your sensitivity comes from your parents so it's got nothing to do with you your spouse more so than it has to do with you're really hurt by your parents and there's some sensitivity there okay so all of that is the vacillation style imprint hopefully you find that helpful please leave your comments below if you relate to this if you don't have a therapist we'll be happy to help you otherwise we'll see you next time take care

Channel: Intentional Counseling

Views: 15,801

Keywords: the vacillator imprint, vacillator, vacillation, vacillation love style, how we love book, how we love, why am I so angry at my spouse, why does my mother not love me, why are my parents so distant, kay yerkovich, discover your love style, vacillator love style, vacillator love attachment, vacilator, what is my love style, in a relationship with a vacillator

Id: QJkCeNiLlmE

Length: 9min 25sec (565 seconds)

Published: Thu Sep 23 2021