What Vacillators Need to Know

[Music] hey guys welcome back to make a way life coaching my name is sarah and i'm the life coach here i would like to begin by um letting you know gosh my posting has been super spotty lately i have a really good reason like so many of our viewers i am now a hostage homeschooling mom and i don't like it and it's super overwhelming super stressful so that's been going on and unlike in the spring you might be right there with me but when we were like taking 10 weeks off of school in the spring it wasn't super high-stakes feeling it felt very temporary um and now i don't know i'm in california and honestly i will be surprised if the kids go back at all this year so it feels very permanent very important that we do it right um there have been a lot of tears shed by me and everyone else in my house it's been pretty awful to be honest with you with some bright spots but this would have never been the life that i chose for me or my kids i'm like the biggest lover of sending kids to school so there's just so many things going on and my day is like off the charts and saying busy now um and so i've struggled to get to you guys and i apologize for that the other fun thing that's been happening in my life also because i live in california is we have been um dealing with a wildfire four miles from our house so we have evacuated we have now come home but it's been going on and on and on it's in a forest so they're just gonna let it burn which i guess is good but also it's be kind of nice the day it goes out and there's not a wildfire four miles from my house so with all of these things going on i haven't been here because i just couldn't be here but i'm so glad to be back and i have missed you guys and i have just oh my goodness i just love life coaching so thank you for being here and while i was away packing up all of the belongings i care about for the 10 000 time and fleeing our house um i've had some time to think and it's been really fun because i've actually also learned how to like understand the data that youtube gives me about who's watching and i have figured out that the majority of people who come here are interested in vacillator stuff which is cool because man i love being a vasculator sometimes i hate being a vasculator like honestly between you and me during this homeschool thing i'm like wow what would it be like to be like an avoider homeschooling or if i were a pleaser homeschooling my children in like a sing-song voice with like bluebirds landing on my shoulder okay but that is not what i am like i am a fun person i'm a passionate person um i'm a vacillator and i bring the party but what i don't bring is patience and calm so you can see why homeschooling sucks but um that's okay i have some tools to get through this this um season of life and i'm also trying to give my boys tools to get through the season of life because having me as a mother during homeschooling is probably like that so um let's just be honest so hello i think a lot of you are vacillators or you love a vast lighter there's a lot to love here however if you haven't done any couples therapy and you're with a vessel later there's probably a lot to hate there too uh we can be an exhausting bunch let's just be honest um so i'm gonna do a three-part series and if i want to add more i will but i think it's going to be three parts i don't let anyone tell me what to do including myself so right now i think it's three we'll see what happens but um three-part series just for vaccinators and the people who love us or sometimes hate us either way they're married to us let's put it that way um so series number one no sorry this is a series episode number one is this one you're here and i'm lovingly calling this the blowtorch so um i um like all vacillators i struggle with anger and i feel very grateful for that in some ways like let's face it i think we all have like a predominant feeling that comes up more easily for us than others some people's it's sadness and uh i hate being sad so i'm really glad i'm not one of those people um and there can be other feelings of course so anger anger might not be the easiest thing especially i'm noticing as a mother the anger thing is like not easy um and i'm constantly like i've said a million times it's like the battle of my life is i'm dealing with just you know my first and feeling it's always anger um and so my husband and i have this fun thing we do i'll text him and be like i'm okay because i'll be irritated with somebody or i'll be unhappy with customer service or like total karen i know um or someone actually crossed me which is a very daring thing to do i will admit it doesn't happen every day but i'll text my husband to be like i'm getting out my blowtorch and then i'll show the fire emoji on apple and then he almost always immediately calls me because he's like uh oh blowtorch sarah is no good um sometimes i don't answer because i want to use my blood torch but sometimes i do and he can talk me down for my blowtorch but the thing about the vesselator and you feel free to use the metaphor of the blood torch it works really really well for i think probably most of us but we sometimes like to like get out our blowtorch and just light it up like we're gonna set it we're gonna burn it all down and um anchor is not scary for vesselator okay so if you love a vaseliner or you're watching because right now you hate them but you're married and you did love them at one point and you might love them again tomorrow but the thing is for a vaccinator anger is not scary we are so comfortable with conflict it's like fine this is so annoying i know if you're with a vacillator and um you're not of the vacillator kind we find conflict very connecting here's another thing we respect people who can stand toe to toe with us and do the conflict thing it's um not so great to be married to a vasculator if you're gonna just always back down because the best leader really doesn't usually respect that behavior so um when things are really intense i'm helping a lot of feelings i call it bringing up my blow torch um and that usually means i'm going to like light it up and that's not always so great but it's something to be aware of and i will say i almost never bring up a blowtorch anymore without at least realizing i'm about to do that and actually making a conscious decision like yes this conflict needs to be had and i am not afraid to use my str like my strength to say what i need to say and um that's the deal okay i don't like swear anymore i've done a lot of therapy and i go to church a lot so i have transformed myself into somebody who can use my blowtorch like what i would call appropriately but um also in a way okay i'll just give you an example my little guy is super struggling he's doing remote learning but at our school remote learning has turned into very short little zoom followed by a bunch of assignments that they have to do on their own which we all know means they have to do with me like my time is now spent doing fourth grade work honestly i don't even understand all of it like i don't know i don't even uh on fourth grade math i don't even know what that is i wasn't good at that in fourth grade i'm really not good now like 500 years later but anyway something happened and the teacher chose to exclude my son from an activity and he was super hysterical and hurt and upset because he's nine and so i decided to give the teacher the benefit of the doubt because i used to be a teacher you guys that job is hard enough when you're in a classroom and having to learn a brand new way to teach like i get it that's terrible so like i always do a gift teacher fenced it out and was like hey like my little guy got excluded today and i just want to know what's going on with that and thanks so much comma um you know sarah and then anyway um she got right back to me and let me know that it was done on purpose so i text my husband i'm getting my blood torch out and he was like hmm he didn't call me so i got to do it without anyone interrupting um but anyway i did said it was a very appropriate email that i sent but here's why i decided i was allowed to use my blood torch a i kind of wanted to sometimes we just want to do that and b i wanted to make it clear that i was going to set a boundary for my son because he's mine and that nobody was going to cross that boundary without dealing with me every single time and i said it very kindly and appropriately but with the strength and clearness that i think of escilator brings that nobody else can bring um and it turned into a great conversation um via email i don't know who talks on the phone anymore um and i think it worked out okay but i didn't care in the moment i was like i will do the other thing about fast later is we take care of our people i let i set a boundary for my son because he can't do it for himself and i used the full strength of my personality and my full comfort with conflict to do so and it actually worked out really great um because i wanted to let i i wanted everyone in the world to know how my son was going to be treated so there example of a blowtorch now here's the work of the vasculator some of you all need to be in therapy or in life coaching and getting help so that you can express your anger in a healthy constructive way doesn't mean you can't express anger you can even have your blow torch out sometimes but what it does mean is you cannot leave people like you know proverbially bruised and bloodied in the corner those days are over you need to get healthier than that okay but we can do we can use the anger to set boundaries which is actually what anger's for and we can set boundaries that everyone will know will not be crossed i think that's actually a really beautiful thing as a vast later we can give that gift to the people that we love um you know our kids or whoever so that is an example of the blow torch kind of going well i have a million examples of my life for the blow torch not going well especially before therapy i would say things that i didn't mean just to be mean um and those i mean the bible says there are things you can say that you can never unsay um and that's one of the reasons i went to therapy is because i had a temper that would get me in trouble and i would say things i didn't even mean that were so hurtful like that's terrible and i don't like do that anymore so i'm grateful for that um and sometimes i have to make a really conscious effort not to do that okay so something for vacillators to be aware of that's what this whole topic of this first episode is is just the blow torch if you're an oscillator you have a blowtorch and you have to be careful how you use it and also it's okay because once you get really healthy about anger you can actually have a little bit of fun with your blood torch and not have to worry about saying things you'll regret because you'll be under more control second thing i wanted to share was two of the ladies in my life boy this season of life it's very hard i don't know everyone i know the people i know our kids are not in school we're like crying all the time it's unbelievable how stressful things are with the pandemic so um i just wanted to share this and i'm actually going to just show it to you here there is a lady called the mom brain therapist on facebook and i found her during the pandemic by chance but man this visual am i an angry mom or do i have unmet needs this is a life-changing visual this has helped me i went to therapy for years talking predominantly about my anger and i got some tools but this visual which i'll also post she gave me permission i'll somehow link it to her if you want to follow her facebook her stuff's really good she's amazing but um i'll try to find some way for you to print it um she did say i could put it on my blog thanks mom brain therapist so i might do that um go to makeawaylivecoaching.com to my blog and i'll post it and you can print it there but i actually have this in my fridge and the reason is because i'm like running into anger a lot lately because i'm overwhelmed and i'm stressed and there aren't that many good outlets for it for instance i have told you guys i like to do slow jogging you can google it it's amazing it's dorky looking but it doesn't matter i really like it you can jog all day and your knees don't hurt but we had smoky skies for like almost a month i have asthma so i couldn't jog i was like are you kidding me how am i gonna handle this homeschooling stress without my number one coping mechanism which is jogging secondly california kept cutting our power cart rolling power blackouts and i i will just let you know i got my blowtorch out and i emailed everybody in the state it's like this is the most unacceptable thing we have cloud smoky skies there's a fire four miles from my house and you're cutting my power oh how do you how would we get notifications about our safety you get it through power this is america for god's sakes get it together governor newsom so anyway everyone in the state of california got an email from me all of the politicians about how unacceptable that situation was another good example of using our blood torch for good um but this is a great visual so if i'm feeling like an angry mom which is pretty much every day now do i need food and water for my body that sounds so simple do i need clean water honestly i'm not someone to miss food meals i don't miss meals because i know i get angry like in a second but often i when i'm like drinking a lot of coffee and no water i just i do get angry um and so that's a great question do i need water for my body do i need opportunities for social connection hmm oh well i think we all do here that's hard nowadays but we can make it happen we have cell phones you can make an actual phone call with an actual friend and it will be amazing do i need quiet or down time yes i do so sometimes i have to put myself in a timeout and be like i need some quiet time because i'm like so grumpy and i can come read a book with my door locked or take a nap whatever you need to do so i'll put it on my blog makeawaylifecoaching.com and you can print it i highly recommend you follow mom brain therapist on facebook she's awesome i bet she's on instagram too i don't know i don't like instagram that much so i wouldn't know but really good stuff because the thing is right now if you're a vets later like me you struggle with anger anyway and when your stress load is at five million percent you will struggle with anger more it's gonna come out faster it's gonna rise faster and be harder to manage so check out that visual put it on your fridge and just check in with yourself and be like whoa i know i'm rage queen right now and what do i need to do to like take care of myself and chill out because it's not fair for our kids to have to live with that it's just not it's really we have to like do better and we can do better and it involves self-care that's such an annoying phrase but it's true okay head to makeawaylifecoaching.com go to the blog print out that visual it will help you if you're a vaccinator it will help you um so make sure you print that out and while you're there go ahead and subscribe to my newsletter which i'm epically behind on right now so if you've subscribed and haven't heard from me it's because of the fires and the homeschooling and the stress but someday i'm going to be back on track it's gonna be amazing in the meantime i'll try to send out a newsletter soon but when you subscribe you'll get information from me that nobody else gets it's usually once a month right now it's not once a month it's less than that it's when i remember to do it cool thank you so much for joining us come back next week for episode two of the things vacillators need to know just for us vacillators um special series i'm so grateful for you guys and thank you so much for joining me see you next week bye

Channel: Sarah Abbott Life Coaching

Views: 4,944

Keywords: Vacillator, How We Love

Id: It2IMwZZiQ0

Length: 18min 59sec (1139 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 06 2020