What Going to the Doctor Was Like 200 Years Ago - Joe Machi

went to a wedding a couple weeks back I talked to the bride and groom I said hey how long before you two have kids because I really don't have any boundaries and they said they don't want to bring children into the world the way this world is now I'm like well that's a weird thing to say the way the world is now because by most ways of looking at it this is the best the world's ever been in history 200 years ago if you were very lucky you were having 15 kids most of those kids would die most of life was having kids then watching them die then he would die of a disease they prevent now by washing your hands being a doctor shouldn't have even been a real thing all they were doing was telling you the name of what you had sir you have tuberculosis lie down that's it sir your arms infected we'll cut it off although we didn't wash anything so the stump will also get infected we're just gonna keep cutting the stump shorter until you're dead like your kids that'll be five chickens sir lots idiots out there gang friend of mine told me he did so much cocaine that when he woke up in the hospital the doctor said he did enough cocaine to kill a horse and I was like who figured out how much cocaine it takes to kill one horse because that is the science I'm interested in I'd be like give it up the Alpen Pete we're in for a hell of a ride later ok scientists let's get our cocaine horses over on the left and our placebo horses over on the right you don't want to mix those two up and make sure all the cocaine horses die last thing this country needs is a bunch of horses addicted to cocaine fathering children and stealing hay to pay for their horse cocaine it's that last part stupid ok it's ok it's all that's a comedy show gang we're having we're having fun probably I don't know ok Lots idiot south near gang heard the Bob Dylan song mr. Tambourine Man on the radio where Bob Dylan says hey mr. Tambourine Man play a song for me I never hear the tambourine man's response that's probably cuz who's like Bob I can't play a song on this it's a tambourine Bob this is embarrassing people think you're a genius the only reason we even have this is to keep the lead singers girlfriend busy during practice she thinks she's helping Lots idiots out there gang I saw McDonald's brought back the Hamburglar it's kind of a strange marketing tool why would you want someone in your ad that goes around stealing your best stuff I would love it if Bank of America try that come on down to Bank of America look it's our mascot burglar Jeff tell me your catchphrase burglar Jeff ever on the ground Rob lawyer and I keep reading about these guns for cash buyback programs that's a strange idea the only time I could conceivably go into a building with a gun out and they think I'm doing a good deed they're like thank you sir for breaking your gun here's your cash and they're like there's been a change in plans give me the guns and the cash you never find more idiots than you all at the airport I was lined up in Group A for my flight a guy tapped me on the shoulders and says when does Group B board I'm like hold on I'll just check the alphabet a rube I went to high school with as a doomsday prepper have you seen these people they're preparing for the end of the world he's got rabbits to read for food he's got a wrinkle xt system on his roof he's got a decade worth supply of toilet paper he's like Joe what are your plans if the apocalypse happens I'm like well I probably murder you you already put so much into this it'd be a shame to waste and he never should have show me where your bunker was that was your first mistake heck when your wife says what happened to my husband I'm like oh I don't know looks like the back of his head fell to that brick a whole bunch of times some of these are gonna be a little dark here gang let's buckle the seat belts tell you who a real knucklehead his gang its that Tom Brady he's a football person in case you don't follow the sports as closely as I do well they found out he didn't have as much air in the footballs as you're supposed to and who this did not make the people very happy so mr. Brady went in front of the media and he this is a real quote this is what he actually said he said hey everybody it's not like this is Isis nobody died I'm like well that's a brilliant thing to tell people Tom Brady you can always make yourself look better when you compare yourself to something totally unrelated which is obviously worse that'd be the same as if I got pulled over by the police like you know how fast you're going I'm like yes officer I was doing 90 but it's not like I'm cannibal serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer I mean I was a few minutes late for my comedy show sir I wasn't poisoning and dismembering carcasses for my own consumption you believe this clown he's gonna write me a ticket Hecky so with her acting like I was drilling holes in people's skulls and then pouring acid down there a lot of people will come up to me after shows and say don't ever tell that Dumber joke again you're gonna you're gonna lose the crowd but I say that's horse and buggy thinking that joke is a great measuring stick for how this next joke is going to go I'm always surprised that our more lady serial killers out there seems me you'll be easy for ladies to get fellas back to their place I mean for me to get a lady back to my place would take quite an elaborate ruse they'd always be like wait a minute this isn't a cupcake Factory I never know I'm a serial killer and the overhead is killing me I mean running a fake cupcake factory in this economy you

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 1,159,589

Keywords: joe machi, joe machi comedian, joe machi stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, funny, funny video, comedy videos, jokes, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, humor, best comedy, best stand up, wedding, marriage, kids, having kids, tom brady, doctor, past, distant past, tuberculosis, hospital, amputation, joe machi Tom Brady, cocaine, horses, tambourines, Bob Dylan, Mr. Tambourine Man, doomsday prepper, serial killer, hamburglar, jeffrey dahmer, ISIS, Deflategate

Id: 3L4h4UQY_z4

Length: 7min 39sec (459 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 19 2019