Ryan Singer - The Supernatural [2022] | FULL SPECIAL

I don't know he's a [ __ ] okay we'll get your [ __ ] together breathe breathe it's cool oh my God I just gotta get inside [Music] ladies and gentlemen Ryan saying did they just suck my name [Music] foreign [Applause] [Music] what the hell are we doing in here [Laughter] wow thank you for coming um you guys are wonderful uh my name is Ryan in case you didn't know uh I'm a weirdo uh full-on weirdo leaned into it I I owned four different tarot decks uh I'm adorned in crystals I own dowsing rods um I have a shamanic Reiki healer who I go and see I also have two therapists that I go and see I do paranormal investigations in places like this I also go out in the woods looking for creatures uh basically what I'm trying to tell you is I am a recovering drug addict [Applause] it's like how am I going to get my juice from the universe you know what I mean I can't put powder up my nose anymore so I put the new age in my mind you know people ask me all the time they're like so you're into crystals huh and I'm like yeah dude crystals are into me I got a skeleton do you know what I mean we're all just a bunch of magic rocks walking around in these meat suits brought to life through the miracle of Consciousness it's like wow when's the last time you thought about your skull like knock knock who's there oh [ __ ] it's me everybody in this room owns a skull that's how metal we all are when people ever ask you are you metal I'm like [ __ ] yeah dude I got a human skull where do you keep it on me at all times people like oh so you think crystals change you at a molecular level I'm like listen dude I'm not going to tell you they don't I just know this 99 times out of 100 if I got a pocket full of rocks there's not room for drugs in there take this [ __ ] from me it's keeping me alive foreign I love magic too more specifically I love chaos magic people are like what's chaos magic is it like is this your card no that's magic done chaotically uh I'm talking about jerking off on a candle in the Woods by yourself to get what you want [Music] you know the fun kind of magic just don't do it up close um I like to use a Sigil a Sigil is a magic looking symbol that I draw on a piece of paper represents something I want jerk off on it burn it in the candle sit back and I get it right it's just that easy my mom thinks it's a little weird the crystals and the magic is just so weird and I have to remind her that she's the woman who sent me the Catholic school for 12 years where every Friday morning at 8 A.M I had to eat the Flesh and drink the blood of my eternal savior but now I got some shiny rocks in my pocket and I'm a weirdo okay no war has ever been waged in the name of rose quartz people think the sex magic part is weird and I get it like I just don't understand that I was like well I'm going to be jerking off every day anyways foreign who cares if there's a candle and a piece of paper around when I do it card to Michaels you know Michael's is my favorite store in the world it's the Super Craft Store it's the only store in the world where you're super religious aunt and you're old drug dealer friend will probably bump into each other in the same aisle you know like oh Randy how you doing it's been ages oh my gosh how are you hey what's up Marion good to see you what are you doing here oh I'm just buying these little baggies yeah I'm gonna put buttons in them what are you doing oh wow I'm just buying these little baggies I'm gonna put buttons in them sounds more like a medicine man doesn't he it's just more fun to believe in stuff you know what I mean like that's my motto in life I like I like believing it's just a better way of living like I believe in Bigfoot oh hell yeah I do there's only one thing I love more than believing in Bigfoot and that is telling people publicly that I believe in Bigfoot because I think you're crazy you know and the main reason I believe in Bigfoot is this because thousands and thousands and thousands of people have said they've seen Bigfoot and call me crazy but that's enough for me okay Okay thousands and thousands of people but we live in the modern Western World don't we you know where science has replaced God scientists are the new high priests walking around our Villages telling us all what we're supposed to believe in sitting on their Throne of textbooks oil my genitals and I'll tell you about the cosmos the universe is 98 dark energy and dark matter but nobody's ever seen it well guess what thousands of people have seen Bigfoot [Applause] but they're all stupid Hillbillies right they're not smart enough to know what they saw we are smarter than them so we'll tell them what they saw even though we weren't there no that's unreasonable right that's not how this should work it doesn't matter how much evidence you give a skeptic if they don't want to believe in something they're not going to believe it well eyewitness testimony that's unreliable if there was photographic evidence of Bigfoot then I'd believe in Bigfoot and then boom all these photos pop up and what's the skeptic say ah anybody could have photoshopped that oh really if you think anybody could have photoshopped that you've never tried to photoshop before people go to college for years to become decent at Photoshop and you think any jerk with a laptop can shop a Squatch it's just unreasonable is all I'm saying I also believe in Bigfoot because a couple years ago I had a terrifying experience in the woods with what I believe was a Bigfoot and uh it scared the hell out of me and uh just so you know I am a super snowflake who lives in a sanctuary City it's probably obvious but um but I am going to be a gun-toting snowflake because I am never going out in the woods alone without a gun ever again after that experience I got an fmk on order it's like a Glock replica uh and it only holds like 10 bullets and just to be clear a handgun will not stop a Bigfoot it won't but I only need one bullet you know what I'm saying I'm not gonna be a Sasquatch sex slave out in the woods you know what I'm saying that bullet is for me you know what I mean I don't want to learn how loud I might scream okay not today's watching squash what a crazy invention a gun was like a game changer and as a gun owner as a future gun owner I don't believe in gun bans I do believe in gun regulation though and that gets some people uneasy and the most of the people it gets uneasy are the ones who have invested their idea of what it means to be free into the object that is the gun it wasn't always the object that we invested our sense of Freedom into right so when you say you want to regulate guns people hear you want to regulate my freedom it's just an object right like invest into a different object that sense of Freedom like I love sandwiches isn't it good to be an American I can have any kind of sandwich I want you know what I mean I can have turkey I can have ham I can have a veggie sandwich I could put mayonnaise and ketchup on the same sandwich and if people don't like it tough luck this is America baby I can have white bread wheat bread marble rye I can cut it diagonal down the middle I can take the crust off but I don't need a party sub you know what I mean that's what an AKA is a party sub is an assault rifle how many people am I trying to feed you know what I'm saying I got a freezer in the garage that's right I got about 14 party Subs in there one of them's got an avocado attachment that's right it does yep I got a mustard proof vest I got 500 salt and pepper packets just in case [ __ ] goes down government can have my sandwiches when they pull them from a cold cut hands okay [Applause] I was talking to somebody the other day who owns a gun I was like why do you own a gun they're like I own it just in case the government adverties to take my gun I was like wait so you own a gun so you can use it when someone tries to take it from you damn straight and I was like dude I am not smart enough to tell you how stupid that is Dr Seuss could not figure this riddle out I talked to someone else who was like well what about those wild boars you need assault rifles for the wild boars I was like you live in a cul-de-sac dog this conversation is a wild boar foreign boars are such a Scourge to society why do we not have bounties on their head like The Purge you know what I mean where we can just hunt wild boars and get rewards like there's wild boars trying to [ __ ] my wife and I won't have it wild doors are everywhere passing out the Communist Manifesto I won't stand for it oh four is everywhere there are Freedom guns that's what some people say they say we need them for freedom to protect our freedoms and that's why the government's never going to take our guns in my opinion because the government already knows we're not going to use them not for the reasons we say we need them Freedom well where were you in 2008 when the government and the bankers took everybody's 401ks in their houses right from underneath you and gave all that money to the Millionaires and the billionaires where were you on those fateful days with those AR-15s meanwhile this snowflake was hitting crisscross applesauce blocking the entrances to Banks during the Occupy Wall Street movement and I didn't move out of the way for anybody guess who I would have moved out of the way for on those faithful days you and your AK [ __ ] but you never showed up where were you when we needed you you weren't there when we needed your freedom guns dude because you're too busy covering yourself with deer urine at 5 30 in the morning climbing up a tree and camouflage drinking beers with your friend hunting things that don't have thumbs call me crazy but that ain't a fair fight [ __ ] we need them for revolution in this country that's what we need these guns for for revolution well I don't think revolution's ever going to happen in this country unless it's kind of the same way the first one did the British were going to tax T and T was our juice back then like that's where the caffeine came from they say the British Empire was built on the back of caffeine if you have three cups of coffee you look at your neighbor's house and be like I need to take that [ __ ] caffeine and I get it I love capital but obviously we don't give a [ __ ] unless something directly affects us right so if the government came out tomorrow and said effective immediately a two thousand percent tax on all sugars and everybody in this room is addicted to Sugar I know I am there would be Revolution by Sundown can you imagine walking into like a a convenience store you put a 12 ounce of Mountain Dew on the counter and the cashier goes that'll be 299.99 not my America [ __ ] get the Mountain Dew boys together we got a code red to why the blue we're going to Morgantown [Applause] I'm gonna be running a Little Debbie cakes and underground tunnels from Tijuana to Omaha I'm gonna be smuggling balloons of pure cane sugar in my [ __ ] from Vancouver down to Lexington they're going to call me the Candyman down south it's just Good to Be Alive nowadays like there's so much cool stuff happening but that's not the stuff that gets broadcast to us right we get broadcast the duality it's black or white you're wrong or right we know the truth is in the middle that's the liminal space the in-between but they want us to pick a side on everything now right it's either you're Republican or you're a Democrat and if you're not voting for one of them you're part of the problem you're either a man or you're a woman what's all this other [ __ ] going on you're either dead or you're alive there's no such thing as ghosts what bathroom does a ghost use and why do I need to know I'll tell you why because my little boy's in the bathroom I don't need a ghost in a dress watching them take a pee I mean we've all seen a ghost that's why we know gender is a construct but we get two choices every four years that have a legitimate chance to win the presidency the leader of the Free World as they say we get two legitimate choices call me crazy if that doesn't sound like enough we have more companies making hard seltzer but I only got two of these douchebags we have more flavors of skull chewing tobacco than we do presidential candidates that will win like I've got skull cherries goldberries skull Apple skull Peach School mint skull spearmint skull extra spearmint skull fine Cuts skull classic oh [ __ ] can I get two of these dump [ __ ] like there are more billionaires in this country with their own private space companies then there are legitimate president let that sink in for a second that's why you know climate change is real I mean other than the fact that the climate is changing you know that you know that climate change is real because you have these billionaires who made billions of dollars ruining the planet using that money to get the hell out of here as quickly as they can in their own private space race like I'm Jeff Bezos I put all small businesses out of work I see ya I'm Richard Branson I ruined pop music in the 90s see ya [Applause] but the biggest douchebag of all the biggest douchebag of all is I'm Elon Musk I [ __ ] robots bye he [ __ ] robots you know it have you looked at a picture of Elon Musk lately he [ __ ] robots I'm not trying to robot sex shame anybody vibrators are robots but here's the difference Elon Musk is trying to get a robot pregnant don't you understand girls number one douchebag became the world's richest man recently and also recently said that no American citizen should receive any financial assistance during the pandemic meanwhile he gets billions of dollars from the federal government and grants that he never has to pay back and he doesn't pay taxes he gets all this money from the government for SpaceX and you know in his basement he's got space XXX he's got sentient robots down there stripping for him an indentured servitude like the singularity is coming he's like I'm coming too thank you [Applause] it's just so aggravating you know what I mean like I don't know what happened maybe when he was seven years old he put his dick in a toaster and then a couple years later he fell in love with a microwave in the house kitchen like oh I'm gonna put a baby inside of you Michaela and the microwave in his mind said but no one on earth will accept our love Elon and he'll be like we'll go to Mars and that's what started SpaceX I am a hypocrite in everything I say or do if Elon Musk invited me over to his house and he's like I want you to meet somebody this is Natasha and I'd be like is Natasha what I think she is and he'll be like yep nobody will download your dick better I'll be on the news being like Elon Musk is a great guy everybody this guy give him a chance give him a chance I'm gonna drink some water you gotta you got to love your water you know what I mean I love you we'll talk about that later maybe can I put this here thanks If It Moves by itself we're all getting the [ __ ] out of here it's here for two nights I know shit's happening I'm holding it together best I can for this [ __ ] and then where the [ __ ] out of here okay this place is scary I never had a doll when I was a kid and there was a reason for that because they'll come alive and take your soul okay I do get scared easy uh probably the scariest I've ever been in my entire life this was I don't know how many years ago a few years back I was hiking by myself and they say you're not supposed to hike alone they say it can be dangerous I never really believed him until this fateful day I'm up on the trail and I come around the corner and that's when I come face to face with a bobcat and my soul took a [ __ ] I don't know if you've ever been so scared you pooped your metaphysical pants well that was a new level for me right and I was like oh [ __ ] I got out of there right I got home and I called a friend of mine he's kind of a man's man I was like dude scariest moment my life today I saw this Bobcat on the mountain it just had this look in his eye like what are you gonna do about it and he's like oh one of those little things if it attacked you you could just shake it off your leg like a dog thank you I was like shake a beast born onto the mountain whose mother nod its umbilical cord off of its body after birth you could just shake that little fella off your leg like a chihuahua trying to hump your shin while you're watching the Super Bowl I don't think so [ __ ] so I needed validation as a man right so I called another friend of mine I was like dude I saw this Bobcat on the mountain today just had this look in his eye like what are you gonna do about it this is what he said to me oh yeah my house cat has that same look your house cat has the same look inside that a bobcat does I don't think so friend let me tell you the difference in cat when it comes to house and Bob okay house right now is chilling on a windowsill looking to catch a lazy nap maybe seeking out a hot pipe on the hardwood floor Bob's Off the Grid okay don't call him Robert hasn't seen his family in years house eats food out of a can that you have to open then you put into a porcelain dish and when it's finished eating it makes its waste and a box with scented rocks Bob catches a bird mid-flight in his claws eats that bird alive and then shits a spinal cord he's got blood under his nails and a story to tell you what I'm saying you got houses nuts clip when he was eight months old because you don't want him spraying sweaters or making a mess when you're away try to get a knife near Bob's potato sack and see what happens too you better walk into that fight he quit with Zeus's lightning bolt and some leather working tools that Satchel's been tanning in the Sun for years durable pliable like a catcher's mitt in Cooperstown Floyd meanwhile Bob's riding a Manifesto about the redistribution of wealth by candlelight out a rabid bones he somehow figured out and he's got a piece of a twitching bird brain in his beard so do they have the same look in their eyes I declare they do not my friend the gentleman from Southern Ohio said they do not have that same look so I said what are you gonna do about it well Bob if I can call you that I'm gonna gently back down this mountain AKA your living room as quickly as I can but don't be too mad if I'm not too fast because about 10 years ago I made love on a pool table my knees have been [ __ ] up ever since it looks sexy Bobby but there ain't no padding under that fell so I'm gonna take these bulky pool table bone and knees down this mountain and I'm gonna go buy some clean Underpants that's what I'm gonna do Bobby hey Bobby boy is that right Bobby if I just kept doing that Bobby I think Ryan turned into a skipped CD by me Bobby I'm Toby Bobby I am afraid of death but I am not afraid of dying I don't know if that makes sense um I was raised Catholic but I'm more into reincarnation nowadays I'm just it's just I like sustainability it's more eco-friendly I love the idea of having a chance at the next life to get even better than maybe I got in this life I also get to pass the buck a lot you know like oh let future Ryan worry about that [ __ ] give me some cigarettes but uh I remember the first time I thought reincarnation could be a thing I got you know as like a belief system right as a reality I was a sophomore in high school it's like 1992. some guy came to our school to give a presentation on recycling I'd never really heard about recycling up to that point and he rolls out this bicycle onto the stage in the auditorium and he says this here bicycle through the magic of recycling is made of nothing but old recycled water bottles I remember just sitting in the audience that day like staring at the stage being like but it looks like a bike yeah where are the bottles I don't see them there's no tape there's no bottles taped together like what the bottles are inside the bike oh [ __ ] green on carnation's probably real life I was like if that bike could be nothing but old water bottles I could be nothing but old puppies and kittens living inside my body for the first time in relative Harmony and explain why I get mad at myself sometimes it's the dog inside get him at the cat ruff ruff meow meow but the main reason I believe in reincarnation is this because every morning when I wake up I want to do all of the drugs in the world I just want to wake up and hit the snort button [Applause] and living like that will kill you and scientists and experts who study the brain much smarter than me they tell us that the human brain has something called the survival Instinct that at a subconscious level controls all of our actions we don't even realize we're making choices that our brain wants us to make only in order to survive so if my brain only cares about surviving why then does it also only want to do all the things it knows will kill me unless it already knew we never really die like my brain is smarter than me does that make sense I do I just want to do drugs all day and eat carbs you know what I mean oh I love carbs everybody does it's called comfort food for a reason you know what I mean oh I just want to munch carbs all day long I wish I had a pillow made of Pancakes I could just wake up each day and lean over and start munching like not breakfast in bed breakfast is bad I'd have a shower chain hanging from the ceiling and I'd pull it in the best maple syrup in the world would come dripping down I'm talking about that really good maple syrup too you can't even buy it at the store you got to go to a farmer's market at like 6 a.m on a Saturday you gotta hand a hard-boiled egg to a guy underneath a tent and you gotta whisper the words the chicken is in Xanadu he'll give you a knowing nod and then pull a lever and a trap door opens in an old miner will emerge wearing tattered overalls and a raggedy hat he's holding an unlabeled bottle somebody wanted to make little syrup huh well I had to jerk off a maple tree to get this syrup and it was a Crooked Branch two hundred dollars a bottle I'll pay it give me that drip drip give me the drip drip foreign I have a problem with addictions I mean you know I my body always has to have like three revolving addictions happening at the same time so when I get rid of one my body's like accepting applications for new addictions step right up step right up tobacco you're out the door let's see who's coming to apply pornography been there done that you make us too sleepy hit the bricks gambling we love it pick a number scratch a ticket let's blow all the money [ __ ] it's like Whoa man settle down right now I'm on caffeine I mean right now I'm on caffeine I was chugging uh some coffee right before I came up on stage like I'm gonna get Juiced I took some Imodium so I didn't [ __ ] but you know a 45 you know security ain't so tight buttholes like the bouncer you know at a bar you know first gets that job he's very strict in checking everybody's IDs tell me your birthday picture matches the face then after 45 years he's like yeah just anybody can come in and out of here I don't give a [ __ ] just no knives or drugs okay hmm well I I don't know why I told that joke focus on the things I love you know what I mean that's that's what brings me the most joy in life especially when I get angry about stuff in life I mean I got a bonfire on the inside of my body people love throwing logs in there get me fired up I just have to remember like man it's this isn't the way you know what I mean like I gotta focus on the things I love the number one thing I love right now my number one thing is lizards dude I love a good lizard oh I love a good lizard lizards are my number one uh giraffes used to be my number one if you're gonna be better in a giraffe I mean drafts are these majestic creatures they're like statues who learned how to do yoga if you've ever seen a giraffe walk it's like they don't touch the ground like they have invisible roller skates on their Hooves and they're just kind of like floating while Dreamweaver by Gary Wright blast out of God's Bluetooth like Dreamweaver I bet you can get me through the night here it's like dude that Triumph is floating on clouds and lizards are better than that hell yeah dude let me tell you why when I moved to Southern California about 10 years ago I started hiking all the time and there's no lizards where I grew up in Ohio so it's like but lizards are everywhere out there on the mountains and they're just skitter scattering and pitter-pattering I just love it and they're like they'll come into the trail and they'll stop and they'll look at you and you are a literal giant to the lizard and most lizards are like oh [ __ ] a giant giant they'll Scurry off right and I always wanted to feel like a giant you know what I mean it feels good and so it's like but one out of ten lizards has a Napoleon complex and I don't know if you've ever had a lizard bow up on you before but it's the most adorable thing you'll ever see in your entire life you'd be walking down the trail a lizard will stop you'll stop it'll look at you and you'll be like okay now little man a giant is here on with you on with you and that lizard will look up and be like sorry son flooded [ __ ] say something now and I was like oh what's up little man you want to go toe to much smaller toe right now that is a dog what's up giant step on my tail I'll grow another one [ __ ] if you have a Reptilian Brain that means you are my ancient descendant you deviated but I'm still 100 reptiles so I'm gonna whoop your ass and then they'll do something to try to intimidate you out of fighting and they'll try to give you an exhibition of their strength right so you're scared of them and a lizard doesn't have a t-shirt it can rip off outside of a bar so what a lizard will do is they'll start doing push-ups but a lizard is the guy who doesn't know how to do push-ups right so that I'm gonna do 150 push-ups just to get warmed up for your ass whooping you ready for this it is our real push-ups little man you're like semi-effectively stretching your neck but your elbows aren't even moving he's like 37 42 59 it's like you skipping numbers dog I got thumbs I can count high numbers quickly that's why I love them so much I love lizards so much that I started hating an entire different species of animal altogether this is a few years ago the movie it came out now the movie it is a remake of an earlier movie which is based off that book by Stephen King with Pennywise that demon clown that lives in the sewers it's the reason why half the world hates clowns is that story and so a friend of mine wanted to go see that movie and I was like ah scary movies man I don't I never see them they scare me but he's like come on come on so I was like okay fine I'll be a friend I go to the movie on Friday night scares the hell out of me the next afternoon on Saturday I go to my favorite Park to take a hike I'm in the parking lot a lizard runs in front of me on the concrete he stops and looks at me I was like oh is he Napoleon is he gonna start doing his push them up so doing a fake half step to see if he starts pushing him up or if he runs off so I do my step but he was no Napoleon so he runs off and about five feet to my left there's a sewer opening where he wants to go to hide from me so he runs into the sewer and as he's cresting into the opening of the sewer from within the darkness inside the Shadows a squirrel head pops up with its mouth already open and its tongue unfurled like the devil's red carpet this lizard runs directly up the tongue of the squirrel into its mouth closes its mouth and I swear to God I heard a cartoon gulp then that squirrel head just disappears back into the darkness this is less than 24 hours after I watched the movie It I lose my mind in this park oh [Music] and everybody there's like 100 people in the park like the homeless problem in California has just become too much this is ridiculous [Applause] and I'm like I'm not crazy there's a clown squirrel eating my lizard friends so now I got a blood Feud with squirrels you know squirrels are just bougie rats you're just a rat who had access to a blow dryer I ain't stupid like you got fluffy tailed rat squirrel so now I got a grudge against all squirrels about three weeks after that I go to that same park and there's a picnic area in the back with a bunch of tables and grass and I hear a Ruckus going on and I'm in my 40s so I'm nosy like what's going on back here they're kids vaping back here in the park their parents know they're out here so I go back to investigate and I realize there's no people back there at all there's just a circle of about eight crows on the ground in the middle of that Circle is the biggest Crow of all and they're all just squawking away like I'm like what are these crows up to back here are they vaping back here these crows parents know they're out here I better get a little closer right and so then I get a little closer and I'm watching these crows squawk away the big crow in the middle will take flight off the ground it'll start hovering about five or six feet in the air and he's got something in his claw and whatever it is it gets a little too heavy and it'll fall back to the ground and when he drops it that's when the crows on the ground in the circle they start squawking like pick it up pick it up and the crow in the air is like I'm picking it up it'll go back down it'll pick it up he'll get five feet it drops what the hell is going on over here and I get a little bit closer and that's when I see the thing in the claw of this Crow is a baby squirrel and I was like oh the universe it's giving me a choice right now right I can either help this baby squirrel and bury this Grudge I have or I can let this baby squirrel die for the sins of his father and I'll tell you what I am a vengeful man so I was like you know what I'm gonna let it pay for the sins of his father you know then I was like Ryan you literally have to be the bigger man right now You're Gonna Save this baby squirrel and I was like oh shoot I gotta bow up on some crows now I've never bowed up on a crow before so I was like how do you bow up on a crow so it's like probably the best way to Bow up on a crow is to Crow up on a crow so it's like a Sunday at like two o'clock I get all crowed up in this park foreign and that's when the universe Whispers in my ear made the right because when I was a kid I used to love cowboy movies they were my favorite movies of all time my favorite part of any cowboy movie was when they had too many horses or cattle and they had to get rid of them so they'd smack them on the ass and just yell yeah and I was like dude I've always wanted to yeah yeah something this is my chance to finally yeah yeah hell yeah thank you universe so I'm all crowd up about 15 feet away from these crows then I just charge them yeah yeah yeah yeah the eight crows in the circle in the ground they all fly out like except that big crow in the middle he's on the ground and he takes flight that baby's growing his claw and he's just staring at me and I'm all grown up about five feet away from him and I say I said yeah yeah he drops that baby squirrel I run up to it I say you're safe now little man tell your friends and family it was me yeah yeah him with love words can mean anything it's all about intent it's a little squirrel gets safe behind the Shrubbery right and now it's just me and that Crow Mano we grow oh I'm just standing there looking at it it's just looking at me hovering in the sky and I was like oh [ __ ] I guess we're doing this I'm gonna do 150 push-ups right now bro show you how tough I am and that's when I remembered something the crows are the most intelligent bird in the animal kingdom they have facial recognition memory if you wrong a crow it will remember your face for the rest of its life and it can pick you out later in a crowd of like 300 people it doesn't matter and they're also gossip mongers so if that crow and a bunch of his friends are hanging out and he sees you he'll be like and I was like oh shoot this Crow is saving my face right now and I was like Ryan you need to take a time out you're a very Whimsical guy you often get carried away like when the Toy Story movies first came out you thought they were based on true events so let's just relax let's take a breath the crow is probably not saving your face but just in case it is you better cover that [ __ ] up so I cover my face and I'm like yeah yeah [Applause] I'm not kidding you when I tell you this for the next nine months if I go back to that same park and if I was alone hiking by myself about half the time from about 15 to 20 feet up in the sky a crowd show up and just start following me and I'd hear from the sky yeah [Applause] and when I first heard it I was like no did you smoke DMT today but then after nine months I was like dude this Crow is heckling me from the sky this is unacceptable so I just stopped and I look up I was like listen grow I mean I don't know what to tell you dude it wasn't your day that day get it the circle of life I understand things must die so that other things may live I understand that I truly do but I had to make right in my relationship with the squirrels don't you understand I mean how am I gonna make this right dude I gotta save you from your Predator I gotta yeah yeah Bobcat away from you [ __ ] I got a history there dog and now all the Bobcats hate me and I gotta save the Bobcat from its Predator I got a yeah yeah the mountain lion away from the bobcat and now the mountain lions hate me They're Gonna Save the mountain lion from its Predator I got a yaya the white man away from the mountain lion I am the white man bro I've been trying to save myself for myself for years and it hasn't worked so now I'm exasperated right which is the first time I've ever used that word like I had to go home and look it up because I'm like I think I'm exasperated because I was like I got a crow problem so I was like okay there's one person I can talk to he'll know what to do about my Crow problem so I go and see my shamanic Reiki healer so I see my healer and I'm like I got a crow problem and she goes I know what you need to do you need to make an offering to the crows to restore the balance in your relationship and I was like I know exactly what to do so I rush home I got about six hot dogs out of my fridge I got a Sharpie and then I drew little squirrel faces and squirrel tails on the hot dogs I put him in a Ziploc bag and put him in a pocket hiked to the top of the mountain I get to the peak of the mountain I lay the squirrel dogs out in a circle I look to the sky and I say to the crow I have wronged I offer you these symbolic squirrel dogs as a token of my friendship to balance The Ledger in our relationship I hope that we can move forward in harmony and in love as friends then I had this realization like oh yeah I'm glad I stopped doing drugs [Applause] like this is much less [ __ ] up what's happening crows have the fattest asses of any bird you ever seen a crow walk it's like they had hip replacement surgery with a lazy Susan it's like I'm just gonna keep doing this until everybody laughs like like watching a crow walk is like trying to watch someone change a light bulb on a swivel chair you're it's ridiculous it's ridiculous I'm gonna drink a little bit of this maybe we'll talk about the water thing like oh I don't know are you lovers [Applause] it's like did we come to a comedy show or is this a swing part is like everybody put the car keys in a dish [Applause] whichever car key you pull out that's the person you have to convince that you're lovable okay [Music] what a beautiful set it is hard to love you know I just wish we were built differently and maybe we are built to love but we're taught to hate maybe that's why it seems so hard to love and so easy to hate I mean I don't know it's just like ah we all have these hair triggers of hatred right and we're just ready to snap at a moment's notice whenever I get really upset and really mad I try to remember one of my heroes would do in that same situation one of my heroes is Dr Martin Luther King Jr oh experienced so much hatred from the outside world and never snapped publicly at least that I'm aware of right can you imagine while the rest of us are sitting at home on our laptops with a caps lock button already pressed in like somebody's gonna say something and I'm gonna be ready for him meanwhile Dr King had thousands and thousands of handwritten letters mailed to his house threatening the life of him and his family you know how much you have to hate somebody to write legibly in cursive I will kill all young goddammit those double loops and he wasn't an anonymous Twitter troll right he had thousands and thousands and thousands of people following him listening to every word he said he could have mobilized an army of vindication and hatred if he wanted to but he never did and listen he's just a man just a dude his infidelity is well documented what a surprise another dude with the downfall dick almost every single dude has a downfall dick even Mother Teresa had downfall Dick Energy and he never snapped right I mean he's flawed all of our heroes are flawed all of us are flawed all of us could be heroes oh shoot he's got to reverse engineer it like the alien ship at Roswell then you get that new technology he never snapped I know he wanted to you know there was moments where it almost came out I have a dream but before I get to that dream here's a list of names of people who can suck my dick Clyde Monroe Mobile Alabama you can suck a big dick Cline you can get Pikes [ __ ] Jay Edgar Hoover Washington D.C you can take the tip of that tongue to the highest mountain and to the lowest Valley when you're licking my hairy [ __ ] [Applause] Jim Crow the American South you can get [ __ ] Jim Crow you can get double thought in triple stuff you can get pricked and licked and sticked you can die getting dick sick on a seal [ __ ] you can take the freedom fist up the rear end into the Slama Hammer you can get [ __ ] in a deep dick waging bro you can take it deep in the throat until it's all she wrote Jim Crow and he never did that did he [Applause] it just amazes me that he never did that and but that's why there's a street named after him in every city in the United States because he never told anyone to ask his d [Applause] so the next time you want to tell someone to S your D or F your C or L you're a or whatever it is you're into just ask yourself one very important question before you do what I like to have my own Boulevard someday and if the answer is yes keep that smid on the inside you guys have been a lot of fun um I'm gonna end my set with a couple of weirder bits wait there's the the first part wasn't weird um actually let's do this one first because I haven't done this in a while um if you're like me and you can't do drugs anymore you want to find ways that you can experience excitement enjoying life kind of get high but without doing drugs so I want to share with you a way that I get high without drugs um this is something you can use if you want to or not but it's it's one of those things where you know when you say the same word too many times and it starts to lose all meaning and everybody's like you're weirding me out man let's let's stop talking about it and we usually stop and move on but if you push through that barrier and keep going Shake is weirder and that's where the fun is at so I'm gonna teach you how I get high without drugs right now and uh maybe you can use it okay it'll clear your mind feel good about who you are we're gonna have a safe space okay it's going to be a safe drug experience because it's natural a natural high it goes a little something like this is it your mind or is it your brain is it your mind or your brain that wants these things or is it your body is it your mind or is it your brain is it your mind or your brain that wants these things or your body is it your mind that is it your brain is it your mind or your brain it wants these things oh is it your [ __ ] body a b c d e f g h i j k a b c d e f g h i j k a b c d I wanna wolf my Blitzer in your situation room is it your mind or is it your brain is it your mind or your brain that wants these things [Music] hey octopus octopus octopus octopus octopus octopus octopus octopus octopus octopus octopus octopus octopus octopus octopus octopus octopus octopus toe octosto plus octo plus October octopus October is it a mind or is it to rain this is [Music] or is it your body I don't know maybe I saw you coming to the thing and maybe it was maybe it was uh maybe it was uh maybe it was uh maybe it was uh maybe it was uh oh I just take my card and you have to think anything is it your mind or is it your brain is it your mind or your brain that wants these things are true [Applause] Falcon a trail a trail a trail [Music] a little bit louder now [Applause] [Music] Asians [Music] [Music] banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana [Music] [Music] orders in your body I'm a little high right now [Applause] you guys have been a treat and I want to do one last thing for you because it can be so difficult and we can be you always hear oh we're so we've never been more divided you only hear that inside the device you only hear that inside the magic box but when we're out amongst people we don't feel so divided do we but inside the device it's very divisive it's almost like divisive okay it's easier to love than we think and as an experimentation I want to tell every one of you that I love you I love you it's a great jacket I love it I love you it's a great shirt I mean that's wow it just says Nah Rosa Parks 1955. beautiful shirt I love you for wearing it I love you you have wonderful hair I love you this is whole this whole thing's working I probably love you too much I gotta move on I love you your glasses are great your jacket you have great eyes she's like I love you I love you old smokey yes moonshine oh one time I had peach moonshine from my family and then from one side of my dad's side of my family I had peach moonshine and then I was telling my mom and stepdad about the peach Munchen I had my mom goes that ain't real moonshine no moonshine has a flavor I was like oh [ __ ] this is and then she's like I'll be right back and whenever you hear your mom talking about moonshine say I'll be right back that's not good I think I blacked out for two days I love you well you're my uncle of course I love you it's a bloodover it's like a Blood Oath we have to love but I'd love you even if I didn't have to biologically I love you I love you thank you for being here God you got a good glow to you you two know each other yeah oh I see you passed on the glow to him oh you're Rachel's mom I love you so much you made some beautiful children and the glow is past wait I'm getting a I'm getting that there was someone in your life named mom [Applause] I love you that hair is looking mwah oh I love you you're my first niece I kill for you I love you you're her boyfriend I will kill you huh [Applause] I love you I love you that's my brother I love you [ __ ] even though we fought all the time as kids for no reason well we're too close in age and our parents made us sleep in the same bed until we were 20. but other than that there's no reason we should have been fighting I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you great hat I love the camera person right there I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you great [ __ ] hair I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you you I love you I love you you I love you I love you I love you I love you so much back here oh my god oh sorry about this I mean your view is a little blocked but I love you for sitting there I love you I love you I'm getting every single person in here and if I didn't get you I want you to raise your hand I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you you I also love you you're not going to believe this but I also love you [Applause] and I love you and I love you and I love you and I feel like I'm forgetting somebody oh I love you that's the hardest one of all isn't it loving ourself oh that's why we gotta love our water Dr masuri Moto he didn't experiment with water droplets but they took droplets of water and then they said thought and labeled loving things to a droplet of water then they'd freeze it they did the same thing with mean hurtful ugly things they'd say to other droplets of water that frees those the results were astounding the droplets that they loved once Frozen were beautiful crystalline patterns the ones they hated or were mean to were disorganized chaotic quote unquote ugly right that's why like think about it our bodies could be anywhere from 50 to 70 percent water right not only can they hear us they understand intent I got friends who don't that blows my mind so think about the implications suspend your your disbelief for just a moment if water can understand what we're saying and what we're thinking and our bodies are 50 to 70 percent water holy [ __ ] dude that's why you're gonna next time you take a sip you just gotta be like you are beautiful and I love you so damn much dude um I feel more beautiful already it's a beauty on the inside that really really counts that's what I was always taught so do yourself a favor and fill yourself up with some love and some beauty right if you're walking around like me on most days you have thoughts in your head directed at yourself that you wouldn't say to your worst enemy that's just really mean hurtful stuff like oh you're never going to be good enough you're never going to be smart enough you're never going to be funny enough oh you're filming a special on a haunted school nobody's gonna [ __ ] watch that what the [ __ ] is wrong with you God you're you're in your 40s and you're still kind of broke oh you're just kind of a piece of [ __ ] and now I've got like 70 percent of my body being like oh we're not good enough we're kind of a piece of [ __ ] why are we here you know you got to change the game from the inside out dude you gotta go home tonight and if you're lucky enough to have a bathtub I still got that shower stall money but like if you got a bathtub dude I dream of a day where I got enough money to afford a bathtub I can you know I can lay down when I cry in the shower but in the meantime I gotta stand there like a man and cry go home tonight get in that bathtub filled all the way to the top with water but don't jump in right away before you get into that bathtub of water sit there and say everything to that tub of water you wish a lover a mother or a friend would have ever said to you throughout the entire course of your life just sit there and be like oh my God look at you you are so gorgeous you are beautiful if I wasn't already naked I'd take my clothes off thank you God you're gorgeous you can do anything you want you can accomplish anything you want you still had roommates into your 40s because you're an artist and there ain't nothing wrong with that in a capitalistic world and then get into that bathtub and then feel all of that self-love cover every centimeter of your body and love yourself like you've never loved yourself before just be like oh baby boy boy I love you so damn much you are beautiful you are Stardust born from the same orgasm that comes the giraffe or the space station or every delicious tomato with salt on it you can't eat a tomato without salt I love I love you and everything is gonna be okay because you are Limitless light and Limitless love just make sure your roommates aren't home [Applause] because we're gonna be like we need to take Ryan to the doctor again he's in there loving himself too hard [Music] you guys have been an absolute treat thank you for coming I hope you enjoyed yourself I love you I hope you love yourself and with that I bid you good night thanks for coming [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Blonde Medicine

Views: 70,945

Keywords: ryan singer, stand up comedy, poasttown, paranormal comedy special, bigfoot, supernatural comedy, haunted comedy special, blonde medicine, steven feinartz, haunted elementary school, stand-up comedy

Id: wfhwtjer5uY

Length: 63min 48sec (3828 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 28 2022