The Comedy of Darth Reygueis: The Rise (Part 2)

something you think it is impossible to produce the video in a timely manner no [ __ ] ray finds Palpatine but guess what this was all according to his plan everything is proceeding as I have foreseen well actually I never what you did I only pretended to send assassins after you repeatedly so that you would come to kill me so I could possess your body and be empress of all the galaxy alright break time let's examine palps master plan starting from the end of Return of the Jedi - now I'm assuming perhaps being portrayed by Vader was an error link is corrected but death didn't stick so palps phasmid off the Death Star and hit on ex ago by whatever SIF technology he gruesome pre-ripped snoke's and released one into the wild Snoke went after Han and Leia's son kylo presumably because palps was puppeting him to do so and if Palpatine is Snoke that means palps also created the first order called crazy resources together to hollow out a planet in which they installed a super Death Star ten times the size of the previous Death Star's in total secrecy then used the star killer to blow up the Republic in one fell swoop insanely impressive shame about losing the star killer because of the second most traitors [ __ ] to ever live but fortunately Palpatine didn't keep his crazy amount of eggs in one hollowed-out planet in fact the first order still had enough star destroyers left over to take over all the major systems within weeks and palps didn't stop there in his back pocket he had another fleets all outfitted with miniaturized Death Star cannons not taking any chances this go-around palps probably didn't account for the most traders [ __ ] to ever live but with her help the first order annihilated most of the resistance with just a handful Star Destroyers leading to a near total victory and after Luke Skywalker's apparent suicide there was no one left to threaten his rule Palpatine had one totally and completely except he succumbed to the horny some time before getting chucked down death star - palps had gotten a little sheep up and gone to pound town without wrapping his saber halp said a son junior who was so freaked out he came from the ball sack of a ball sack that he ran off junior found a nice lady and had a daughter Rae Palpatine the inheritor of her grandfather's power grand palps had an assassin hunt little ray down to capture her alive but I guess she's immune to tracking Bob's or whatever and now she up and killed the only people who knew where she was and got himself killed whoopsie-daisy luckily for palps the first order would later go after some Rando who just happened to be hanging out and raised desert on jakku so ray could coincidentally meet a droid and the deserting first order stormtrooper and be whisked away on a whirlwind adventure that was actually part of a ray Loewy prophecy to bring ray together with kylo Ren and a force bond called ad ad hold up dyad ignorance of this dyad Palpatine sent loverboy to kill ray even though he wanted her alive but it was all an elaborate wingman ploy to set kalo up with his own granddaughter so that Rey could get cause chaos jamming come directly to Palpatine where he could reveal to race she was his nobody all along you out of his power dormady her bond with cows because they shared a paopu through his kids and they had just forgotten Palpatine used to set up playdates for them on island world and for the final stroke of his master plan Palpatine will merge with Rey and kylo to become master reaon Nort then find and become one with kingdom hearts and that's it today that convoluted if you pay attention now please pay no attention to how calgis Texico after losing two ships the first order and his chaos gym what though ray and Kyle will fight off the Knights of Ren together Oh ray even tall boards to savor to kylo like he forgot to bring a pencil for today's test oh now we know what happened to Houdini's knife the Knights are no challenge to them whatsoever yet afterward Palpatine still sends them to their knees and sucks out their life force because that's something he can do their force bond provides him enough energy to be restored to his former glory so he Nix is his transition and dives into the Fountain of Youth when he's done he throws kylo down a hole then electrifies the sky because that's something he can do the Lightning is so discerning that it only affects the good guys but none of them explode or suffer critical damage or collide with each other or the gigantic destroyers so no biggie it's just another light show ray washes on in horror and once again calls out to the past Jedi and in her time of need they finally answer and here we are at last the final battle of the Skywalker trilogy Palpatine versus Palpatine with the last Skywalker sent straight to hell tallip starts zapping race saber and says raise epic response [ __ ] she really is the Jedi avatar it was supposed to be a joke but now it's a whole thing every [ __ ] time I swear they're lifting imagery and elements straight from the show to an underground bunker as an all-out battle rages above the good guys on a tight time limit and must exploit the bad guys as weakness a confrontation of family dual wielding swords the Lightning redirection all that's missing are the accompanying tension good writing and soul really what the [ __ ] am I looking at here a minute ago palps was cooking the sky without a care inside this world but now I can't get past the saber oh [ __ ] two lightsabers well golly he never stood a chance so if I got this right if you wanted to Fleck lightning betterer just add another saber mace pick up one from one of your fallen comrades oh well just didn't rain as hard as Rey to know better I'm not even sure how he was granted the rank of Jedi Master to tell you the truth because it's totally possible to learn this power and not just from a su Luke over man didn't even need a saber you blocked that [ __ ] with his own body ray electrocutes palps with his own lightning Palpatine doesn't take his lightning as well as Luke did though and so he explodes for real this time promise but he doesn't even transfer into Rey like he said he would probably because she's dead kylo climbs back out of the hole because falling down an endless pit doesn't mean jack [ __ ] in this galaxy he sidles on up to Rey uses some force he'll and would you look at that she really is the Palpatine I heard I know I don't want to rely on any reductive labels here but I've noticed a lot of Gary Stu's like to come back from the dead Kirito neo Harry Potter Sonic Christ so you know what does that make Rey a female Gary Stu do we have a word ray and Kyle finally shared their first kiss but race sucks out his [ __ ] soul through it here I felt a great disturbance in the force as if a million voices suddenly cried out in anger who would not be silenced [Applause] Kyllo pieces out because he's a true Jedi unlike Rey who stuck around to be revived like a Sith finding the rest take out that tower Lando brings the cavalry and they kill everybody hey a little trivia for you did you know this set eternal fleet seen in hashtag Star Wars hashtag the rise of Skywalker was created by Sitz cultists uh neck sigil who indoctrinated excells population with Sith values and raised and trained their children to become officers mechanics and soldiers for the final order hey hey no need for that mister would keep fields [ __ ] trivia now this might just be me but I think it's a little better that the resistance kill faceless goons of evil and not helpless people indoctrinated into a cult as children little details like that kind of suck out the magic you know there was once a simpler time when for example stormtroopers were just straightforward bad guys and taking them out was morally uncomplicated but now they're kidnapped his children and brainwashed into becoming remorseless killers the heroes aren't just killing bad guys anymore now they're getting rid of damaged goods even though any one of these broken people could be another finn with just the right nudge you're good now now they'll never see the light after being taken out of sanitation and put on an execution squad it didn't have to be this way but it'd be with the eternal fleet gone the good guys promptly mopped the floor with the first order across the galaxy and that's it the resistance wins all this time they just needed to get off their asses and do it the resistance get to celebrating back on jungle world hugging kissing and completely ignoring the second order retreating to the shadows biding its time into the sequel sequel trilogy race mix oh is moved on these lesbians are dropped harder for Middle Eastern theatres than their rooftops and Finn finally lands the man of his dreams warned she gives Chewie the metal he was snubbed for in a new hope and he's like where'd you get that and she's like a good question for another time Lando has the touching scene with Jonna vary from general the goal system what about you kid well let's find out maybe more than touching Andray group hugs her friends all's well that ends well such a shame Leia died before she could see this by Ray's hand ray goes the Tatooine and buries Luke and Leia's lightsabers in the sand as Uncle Anakin try spinning in his space grave it's okay though Ray's got her own lightsaber now it's yellow an old lady somehow sneaks up on Rey from in front of her in the desert and asks Rey who she is raivo ray home rayray Skywalker [Music] you watch her gaping mouth who are you I'm ray hey ho nice it what is this even trying to imply that Luke and Leia or more like parents to Rey than our actual parents yeah okay they weren't really around and pretty much solder into slavery but they still died protecting her is it because she took in kylos essence so she's basically all that's left of the Skywalker's is this JJ's way of saying no one's ever really gone right Skywalker Rey bullshitter is who you are girl you Anna Skywalker you're a Palpatine and even if recently means to continue the Skywalker legacy or whatever then why did she come to Tatooine to literally burry the remnants of the Skywalker legacy and no less real Luke's family was killed woman what are you doing if they absolutely had to pull this [ __ ] it should have been raised solo who are you people I don't have one I'm just right solo han was the first ot character ray met and unlike Luke he actually wanted to take her under his wing perform a job I'm thinking about it he personally went to the mega Death Star and helped save her dumb runaway ass and now thanks to the solo movie ray could have taken on the solo name since it's only a placeholder now anyway she could have transformed it to mean something more than orphan solo a name for a man with no people could live on with some girl Han randomly connected with it's like poetry maybe not only that but the Man Ray fell in love with was a solo Ben solo died literally giving her his life force she's half full of solo cycled energy the reloj stands might have even forgiven JJ if he pulled the Titanic Dawson Dawson rose instead she's Rey Skywalker because [ __ ] Skywalker's the central name and Star Wars race dog walker you get to be a Skywalker you get to be a Skywalker everyone gets to be a Skywalker there's been no one for so long who are you I'll tell you who she is she's mah ray [Music] [Music] it's done my verdict Star Wars the rise of Skywalker was everything everything that the sequel fans deserved you know what I [ __ ] deserve though an apology TFA apologist Scott rebel school you all made such a ho blue when I called Kai Louis it apprentice a [ __ ] Sith apprentice a perfectly reasonable in firms to make back then but no you are how can kylo be a Sith apprentice if snoke's not a Sith Lord no one ever said Snoke was a sieve Gollum even said he's not a Sith Lord do you even watch the stuff you talk about and yeah I made an assumption with no real backing so I admitted my fault kind of but turns the [ __ ] yeah Snoke was Palpatine all along Palpatine a sick [ __ ] shoot nay not a Sethe all this Seth Carlo was the set that set apprentice to have ever [ __ ] Seth [ __ ] you I was right so there are some nice things to say about the rise of Skywalker like Palpatine's Redemption arc I definitely appreciated it more than kylos by his own power and determination Palpatine created the one true avatar of all the Jedi electrocuted all the Sith himself and double handedly restored balance to the force Sidious was the real chosen one all along think about it he could have easily appointed a Death Star laser at planets across the galaxy but he didn't he chose not to because he sent his fortnight message out before letting his fleet get into position to be able to do anything it was he who gave ray the Chaos gem by manipulating kylo and who put Han in kylos head to turn him to the light if you have a fire inside your head good guy Palpatine what else huh yes TR OS glorifies abusing women yes well this article is only about how reloj is the poster coupling of an abusive relationship at a one-off Rikuo the article tries to back up this assertion with citations and evidence from the movie and [ __ ] but hey come on no need we can tell from how many women really really liked it and what a happy ending it all was the galaxy saved again for now the main OT characters murdered and dead and Rey even got a boyfriend for almost 10 seconds JJ you knocked it out into a bark JJ and KK the dream team another happy landing now there's all this stuff about how Disney might have [ __ ] JJ and his creative vision over and I don't really want to put down anyone's concern over that but this is the mouse we're talking about yes I'll do it number one they redid like at least a third of rogue one because they happily let this goofball make a gritty war documentary movie then decided the tone wasn't light-hearted enough they're that [ __ ] stupid these ain't people with a vision this isn't George Lucas hustling to make a clean sci-fi fantasy movie at a time that wasn't especially friendly to the idea Disney at the time even turned Lucas down this is a mega corporation pushing out sad imitations of popular movies because they can because there were theme park billions to be made with so many fingers in this pie there was exactly zero zero chance that these movies could come out the other end unmolested just like Disney's child actors not to say I ever had faith in JJ's vision anyway I maintain that the force awakens as a soft reboot of Star Wars could never have been the foundation for something good all right JJ we need a main character for our sequel trilogy they already had a half orphan boy on a desert planet who tries to spend another half orphan boy on a desert planet who tries rescuing his twin we need something fresh I've got it so let's do a total orphan on a desert planet but female and she doesn't even try that's incredible JJ [ __ ] gold man take it take a llama now I ain't saying soft reboots of movies can't work of course of course they just almost always don't and sure 90% of anything is [ __ ] anyway but 90% of recyclables would honestly be better off in the trick Rey was never gonna live up to both Anakin and Luke so making her a reboot of Anakin and Luke was just mean yeah it's fun to call her a Mary Sue since the examples are just so comically numerous the force is not a power you have it's not about lifting rocks and because it upsets the monogamously challenged viking hates women so much holy [ __ ] but MarySue or not though she is ray needed some kind of fire in her to hold a candle to anakin or Luke instead her writers completely bypassed the character development when she needed it most in TFA Rey is way too blank a slate too disconnected from everything an empty vessel to shuffle the audience from flashy spectacle Laden scene to the next second only being a yawning mouthpiece to gush over the already established beloved characters yo han Solo I used to be she needed more than that you can make her the most capable little lady in all the galaxy but you also have to make her a person hanging in a sequel trilogy on a complete fake has only exemplified how fake the rest of the [ __ ] has been overdone stakes unintimidating goofy bad guys geriatric fanservice ruined relationships senseless character death for shock value even Luke is a coward who hides from his friends and family after failing them that's all from TFA because he must have been cut off from the force tend to right unless he felt a bajillion voices suddenly crying out from five whole last planets and what hit the snooze button on him he sure didn't rush on over after feeling his friend take this Luke should have shown up right here to catch his lightsaber you should have felt the destruction of the Republic and traced it to Starkiller base to assist rain taking down kinda low at least Mark Hamill would have been cool done I'll tell you where I thought I came in in the forest when the lightsaber look like this and flies off I said oh what a great ninja uh ray college she hasn't even been the date above her training I joked in my tlj video that Luke was just suffering from amnesia but at this point it's perhaps the only explanation that absolves the guy who wasn't pulling a Yoda or an obi-wan he wasn't protecting anyone all I see is a cowardly [ __ ] waiting to die but came to this island to die of course JJ did intend for the interpretation in TFA but it's the same as with Lando and TR or less it didn't matter how the Luke reveal fit into the story so much as it mattered that there was a Luke reveal then Ryan came along to torpedo off JJ's hard work and subvert all our expectations by taking that cowardly [ __ ] and doubling the [ __ ] down on them go away if you want to be a nit prick like me you can even point out that Luke still gives ray the cold shoulder in TR OS up until she went to his watery grave haha maybe it's better to say these movies deserve each other George I owe you an apology for bashing the prequels as hard as I did is what I would say if you hadn't sold them to the white slavers all of Star Wars films they were your kids yeah well they are right you know I I loved him I created them I'm very intimately involved in them and obviously to know them matter of fact George told Star Wars to the slavers to protect Star Wars I really wanted to put the company somewhere and a larger entity which would protect it ironic or was it absolutely blog about what we're doing and how we're messing things up or did you leave star wars with these corporate hacks because you knew they'd not get dry inevitably [ __ ] out movies far far worse than the prequels could ever have been all those fanboys who yelled at you and called you terrible they knew nothing they needed to see it for themselves the destruction that only soulless greed can rot then they'd be sorry then they'd come crawling back but too little too goddamn late so you forced unleash the rat on Star Wars and made off like a bandit to vindication ranch what advice do you have for Kathy good luck the artist really does win in the long run but for me it's depressing to see with this wholesome adventure story albeit also a giant cash cow has become just another vehicle for Disney to advertise their theme parks pretend like I'm in though it's not even really right to call these movies fan fiction do these honestly look like the products of fans fan fictions often made for free out of passion and admiration for the original work or for porn somehow these movies are way more perverse and fan fiction writing is probably better somehow Palpatine returned but I'm just repeating myself at this point been repeating myself since rogue 1 that's enough out of me about Star Wars I think for good I can't do another one of these in any way once Disney copyrights Winnie the chew over there the happiest oligarchy on earth we'll make sure that so see you in the next non Star Wars related video maybe sometime this year if not have a happy year of the rat what's left of it you oh hey there kids it's time for the shameless shekel shakedown I finally got some merch if you somehow still have disposable income after the kouf heard around the world because I sure [ __ ] don't so check that out if you want link below and [ __ ] all proceeds go to black life matters [Music]

Channel: E;R

Views: 821,514

Rating: 4.9362903 out of 5

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Id: bbr5YGJE5mw

Length: 22min 33sec (1353 seconds)

Published: Sat Jun 27 2020