The Harshest Burns from the Roast of Bruce Willis

buckle up this is ass whooping time [Applause] bruce willis is what you get if you isolate the white part of dwayne the rock johnson and it's not just action movies that made bruce the star he's actually a great dramatic actor too like i love the sixth sense it's great movie and the ending i did not see that twist coming i mean i i shouldn't spoil it but i mean it's been like 20 years it's so good okay so at the end of the sixth sense bruce goes back to making shitty movies who i have a good time tonight but don't get too comfortable up here because later we're gonna be replacing you with ashton kutcher relax relax bruce gets along with him fine he was even at ashton and demi's wedding his gift was a toaster and 90 million dollars joseph gordon love it everyone he's so cute so adorable i bet you eat but only with the crust cut off first isn't that his luck speaking of krusty i'll get to you in a second sybil i um [Applause] i know i know stewart thank you for being here seriously and congratulations on getting that thai soccer team out of your vagina and into your sweatshops that's where they are now surprisingly martha said that prison food wasn't that bad just you know as long as it was clean-shaven so she loves attention to detail is she laughing i'm terrified of her kevin is here ah such an amazing actor most i know kevin as like one of the greatest impressionists of all time i'm a huge fan my favorite of his is um he does an amazing robin williams i i just wish he would finish it yeah okay guys listen all i'm saying is that we've lost a lot of grates to suicide recently and it's time we lose some okays bruce yes this is honestly a real uh a big personal moment for me to be here roasting my dead cousin's second favorite action star i know you obviously as the star of every dvd you kind of just find on the street a lot of people don't know that bruce is a very talented musician because he isn't bruce has also been very active with the make-a-wish foundation which is where they make sick kids meet you so dying doesn't seem so terrible i think he said on her own show that she enjoys anal sex her words hey good for you i mean it makes sense obviously you don't eat so he might as well use that hole for something huh [Applause] [Laughter] that's so nice i first met bruce when i was working with his first wife demi moore in the film a few good men yeah i think it's time everyone knew something about demi when she shaved her head she said it was for her role in the film g.i jane but the truth is she shaved her head because she loved her husband bruce and he wanted to his own face and now bruce one of your friends and co-stars in pulp fiction couldn't be here tonight so they've asked me to pass along a message from christopher walken they've put it up here for me here it is hey bruce sorry i couldn't attend your funeral [Applause] i did want to say i've always been a fan particularly your work in the film 12 monkeys sure i was disappointed that you did not portray a monkey but you gave a beautifully nuanced performance reminiscent of a monkey who poops in his hands and then throws it in your face mostly though i wanted to take this opportunity to publicly thank you for creating my favorite restaurant planet hollywood if i'm honest it's also my favorite planet bruce willis i'm so happy to see you gosh the last time i saw your face i was shopping for movies at the gas station bruce went on to make 96 movies using just one facial expression i'm thrilled that i got to meet martha stewart tonight i had the honor of playing martha in two separate movies i did my best but the only one to truly capture martha stewart was the fbi i ran into nikki glacier in the ladies room i saw her from behind with her slender body and blonde hair and i thought she must be a model then she turned around and i thought nope she's a comic oh what am i doing here i don't know any of these old ass white people up here i'm looking with the cast of young and the restless bruce you've done movies with other black comedians why they ask somebody when he never did with you i don't get that he was chris tucker tracy morgan god damn this is sad i mean you had a limo driver in diehard argyle and he's not even here and he i don't know what the he doing he need this you don't get argyle here what the uh it's funny to see like jeff ross and bruce willis y'all two ball white but crazy like both of y'all look like you're on two different stages of cancer i was sitting at a bar with bruce and i asked him if he liked the script i'd sent him and he says try keeping a marriage together when 22 is still on the menu does that mean i mean i know what it means but why say it to that i but i fell off my bar still laughing i had no idea why i still don't know what he thought of the script and we're done making the movie i don't think he's read it [Music] can i act that weird and have people love me i cannot can i can i say things like the metoo movement is ruining natural sexual dynamics while i'm wearing a make america great again hat and then go blow up a helicopter of mexican extras dressed up as middle eastern terrorists call that a twofer and still have a bunch of liberal hollywood executives call my agent the next morning and say they want to be in the edward norton business [Music] i most definitely cannot i wish i was teflon like you but then again i do like my kids not being embarrassed by me um the script of his last three films was crinkle your forehead say short memorable quip no more than four words shoot the gun duck repeat the end it's a half a page long you could learn your lines in the car on the way to the set you don't but you could dennis rodman where do i begin if you had told me back in the 90s that dennis rodman would be negotiating a nuclear arms agreement in 2018 i would have said dennis rodman is alive in 2000 local comedian dawn herrera is here dom i know your career never really took off but if you just keep doing what you've been doing i'm sure you'll eventually be discovered by your landlord two weeks after your heart attack and edward norton i am a huge fan you are amazing edward takes the craft of acting very seriously he prepared to play the incredible hulk by spending 30 years losing his temper and turning into a giant oh and now the lovely civil shepherd is here i remember years ago when i heard there was going to be a movie a tv movie about me i thought oh god no because they're always so dreadful i was really nervous well you can imagine my relief when i found out sybil shepard was going to play me i thought civil shepherd great no one will see it [Laughter] now civil isn't it interesting that your career basically ended after that role as if you defended someone someone with power someone with vast resources and money who could cook up such a plan who could craft such a scheme it was me edward norton ed you did a movie called primal fear it was named after the feeling he got every time he banged courtney love without a condom it's a true story ladies and gentlemen is this thing going on is this lord actually he did he dated courtney love but he never became famous enough for her to have him murdered bruce i see you now and i see you and i see your beautiful daughters and i'm so proud of you you never hear a father bragging about his daughter's sexual prowess you know they always brag but my son's a buck he just started freshman year in college he nailed everybody boys girls dogs he didn't give a every father bragging about his daughter hit it up there listen that's my daughter taking on 10 guys yeah that's my baby that's our youngest she always loved the bigger the better she always had men lined up around the block guys tag teaming up from behind high fiving over her jizz-filled backdrop and loads of here she couldn't hear him what can i tell you huh she's just like a mother that kid and look at that guy over there little rail looking like david ortiz bobber head silver i see you over there baby i see you silver shepherd it sounds like a disease that you get when you're in a sheep bruce you keep making these bombs well guess what so does kim jong-un but at least kim is smart enough not to release his i was married to bruce willis for the first three die hard movies which makes sense because the last two sucked i mean it's funny the things we do for a part like i know that i have dyed and cut and styled my hair i can't tell you how a million ways but not bruce i mean that's his real hair and ladies let me tell you the carpets match the drapes i mean i'm not saying he's bald down there i'm just saying whichever place you look it looks like a dick but you know when i look back over all the years that we've had together we've certainly had our ups and downs but i have to say those were some of the best times of my life i just look at our marriage like the sixth sense you were dead the whole time in my action movies there's always some young punk trying to come at me and tonight it's judas gordon levitt joe i took you under my wing tried to make you tough try to make you an action star which ain't easy to do with the kid who looks like the bad boy of figure skating [Applause] and now i want to take on the toughest person up here my friend ex-con martha stewart yeah baby if anyone can survive in prison it's someone who can toss a salad that's right martha's a real corporate kingpin she even has her own brand of wine it's like her boyfriend it comes in an old box you know civil shepherd my oldest friend there's people i've known longer but you are my oldest friend when i got cast in moonlighting they picked me over 3000 other actors because they wanted someone who didn't have a sexual history with sybil it's so great to be back on tv with you honey and another show starring me kevin welcome to the party pal you owe your whole career to the guys you impersonate you've made more money doing schwarzenegger than his maid and not to mention you're better at cleaning houses [Applause] you

Channel: Comedy Central

Views: 1,057,437

Keywords: Roast, comedy central, comedy roast, roast of Bruce Willis, Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis, Bruce Willis, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Nikki Glaser, Kevin Pollak, Cybill Shepherd, Lil Rel, Edward Norton, Martha Stewart, Dom Irrera, Dennis Rodman, Demi Moore, funny, insult comedy, comedy, comedy show, roasts, insults, burns, roasted, tv show, tv comedy, funny video, comedy videos, comedian, comedians

Id: z0JOGTV0VYk

Length: 15min 31sec (931 seconds)

Published: Sun Apr 04 2021