The best of Hignfy series 28

no but it was meant to be a wrinkle in his suit wasn't it as allegedly a wrinkle along a seam yes they think why I thought he was being fed answers they kept saying don't interrupt when no one was talking very good point he did say that and he apparently he was evidently hearing voices of some sort whether it was there and we've got a clip of this as the politics change his positions change and that's now how a commander-in-chief acts I doubt we finish the intelligence I look how did he gain jerd was it the all over wax nearly yeah man little story that was good hello crappy the end a long running battle River I'm taking an interest in current affairs and I've just been good grubby by tisha my aunt's and lesbian back after the break I was lying I've you had sex of a tortoise penis number slowly Paul have you found the name being called Paul has that been a bit of Tolbert yeah what have you changed it from Randy stuff you take an awful long it'll take an awful long time to sign autographs wouldn't that's the main reason why change there and what about the Merton bit that was where I happened to be living at the time you could call yourself a 11 or something you know it might be easy I could call myself a to Zed be quite good you behind then they say Atos yeah what does that mean I'll write it down for you oh I see AE twos oh I see ya I told ya let's say ya right let's David Blunkett it's some spectator party and doom he's I didn't really follow the story but he's seventh son affair with some woman we did you have you fare with do you know what does he know follow the story why don't he know what the fuss was about and she was married there was a pregnancy did anyone in particular get pregnant yes she did ha would have been quite big knows if he well exactly Oh shove a jumper over the Germany will know really you're pregnant I'm really old god I aminal he actually in Cornwall I mean he could have just been in a room where they're playing on the night they first met Spectator publisher Kimberley jokes I tried to convince him I was tall and blond although when he phoned the spectator and asked for someone of that description he ended up having phone sex with Boris Johnson you were doing the dance to the theme music before give it a rest laughter Jack Straw is in Africa shaking hands with a naughty man Megrahi naughty man not Graham Norton you know mass-murderer thinka too should swap jobs for a week how did Eddie I mean once proposed Anglo Ugandan relations to be patched up making him King of Scotland it would work that was one thing not unreasonably in princess Anne yeah why not but she apparently was not free okay why have you got a bid odd because I've been I'm gonna I'm working on something else at the moment but don't you want people to know to you I think it's quite rakish do you thank you very much men who look rakish are you jealous I'm jealous of your show are you yeah I'd love to do it good morning on my right people who've been beaten up in the pub on my left people have beat them up let's have a debate help yourself to alcohol Ian and Tricia have 13 Paulin Adam have 30 which they say thank you to our panelists Ian Hislop and Tricia Godard Paul Merton and Adam Hart Davis do we have to leave it as a tie no no I'm giving more than that and one more point [Music] [Applause] it's all gone a little bit funny I didn't mean to say anything about people you never pull their dogs bad as in bastards in Manchester I mean good good people well the real world is bit when the arse again isn't it mr. Johnson will not be meeting local council leaders they are after all Liberal Democrats and these making the trip and down to buy you is that metal work going on stuff the last person of course one of the few people from that vintage who did a vocational training in metalwork got your um what great CSE ungraded [Applause] and people praise standards of Fort Lee Metalworks changed a lot since I did it didn't have metal for stop what they do with paper too much time he says he's spent preparing for exams which could be used for genuine learning I think they should do it with an it's a knockout style competition a diploma in the middle of the room and go up a sort of greased slope what are you suggesting with some kids might have Lake suckers on their hands impervious to the grease hold some kids might have been coached in walking up the greasy thing and it would be unfair someone else has also recently had a television show pooled Robert Kilroy silk ah yes another one his Monday night ITV quiz so shafted has been drop if they break the news to my Sainik losing the title of the program anyone remember what Gilroy's catchphrase was from that show no tonight two people could walk away with a massive cash prize that will change their lives forever or absolutely nothing their fate will be in each other's hands as they decide whether to share or to shaft [Laughter] [Music] we found a new Bond villain that was actually taken from the UK Independence Party conference it's time to share oh yeah on a visit to the Raphael exhibition at the National Gallery John Prescott discovers the back way to the canteen can you remember what happened this week to the local paper in the hometown of George Bush in Texas apparently his hometown paper came out for for Kerry what did that do to its accusation sank from sixth down to three years each half to 482 readers still leaving it well behind private eye wait till your book comes up he is observed I didn't want to feel I couldn't get out my Satanic Bible and relax in my bunk I suppose it's a Bible from the devil's point of view is it disguise myself as a snake today did a bit of good business in the garden met two real mugs you're not saying this are you god yes you can see Castro following overnight oh goodness [Applause] and in the case of Bob Dole where was he when he felt he was at during the election campaign he must have in 1996 96 so yes he was a dreamers at those fell in 92 Tory Cooper had some eccentric habits according to one biographer Tory used to pour gin on his breakfast seal yes he was a big fan of Gordon's but aren't we all is that a job plug yeah I wrote that one Ian yeah no I thought so I could think I could feel the sincerity I was confused with less shot Robin were you the one who resigned opportunistic reasons or conscientious relieved we both designed for conscientious reasons you still wanna get in the cabinet venue I'm going swimming lessons I want to join the Royal Navy television presenter so you're a Satanist to save money use an old umbrella as usual Joel one what there's only one what yes you this is a football chant yeah he's one Boris Johnson there's only one Boris Johnson did it millwall sang this mill will sang it to the Liverpool fan deliberately trying to rile them with a mention of Boris Yeltsin the answer is there's only one Boris Johnson you gotta say Robin I've already been mistaken this program of sadness I don't want to mistaken for a millivolt I'm at the Labour Party conference the announcement that McDonald's are to scrap supersize meals gets a mixed reaction a reception in Buckingham Palace the Queen notes with regret but the Prime Minister hasn't brought his wife this time Bush's thrills is the first time he's actually won an election [Music] [Applause] very touching that phone call at the end Salman bin Laden ringing up saying well done which usually reliable election prediction method came up trumps again this time according to the independent this might be something for mark actually I've been told this subject interests you revolutionary socialism sorry I meant Paul this subject interests you I think Rob it's the pet ometer the theory is the candidate with the most pets wins and I've been told you like animals while strictly speaking the court case hasn't come up [Applause] yep Theodore Roosevelt had 34 JFK 29 carry to ambush three a cat a dog and a long-horned cows called aphelion trust me in this car it's a rather interesting spelling of the name of philia Oh F e Li a well that goes with the the bush motto which was the 3s wasn't it faith flag family and philosophy philosophy but they seem to fall for it the Americans for it you know it does generally seem to be the middle of the country and the people around the edges get out a bit more I think Jane have you met any of these American politicians I have met Clinton yes I was in the White House in the Oval Office and yeah we don't need to know bumper stickers were once again a big issue in the campaign you could take your pick of hamsters for Kerry don't be a girly man vote report [Applause] my personal favorite was a t-shirt with a naked woman with a shaved nether-regions that read read my lips no bush in 2005 of course during the campaign the various bushes UM's caught on camera have been endlessly replayed obviously there's no need to play them again but we need to be subliminal about the differences to try to put some little messages this is like Abu get this our enemies are innovative and resourceful and so were we they never stopped thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people and neither do we and this may be a new one for you Bush is confused as to the role of Gynaecologists in the u.s. too many good Doc's are getting out of business too many OBGYNs aren't able to practice their their love with women all across this country either I'm getting clever or the world is getting stupid so those played in America this instantly becomes a man-bag better Bank which would be strange or carried Ohio I thought you'd look at that and you think oh my God he's still alive we'd better get someone who can get rid of him in America they thought look bin Laden still around let's get the guy who didn't get him again but according to Michael Moore would have bin Laden family and the Bush family have big political connections going way back over oil and stuff didn't they say I mean bin Laden knows that Bush isn't trying to catch him and they need each other yeah you gotta have a madman on both sides yeah holy jihad for me also have you seen that one side of its mouth goes down and once I was mouth goes up and the body language experts say that that's why he wins elections because he appeals to absolutely everybody at the same time people who like guys who smile people like guys who feel like a serious Democrats should have put up a gunner [Music] it's spam spam is making a comeback it disappeared a bit in the 80s and now it's become a very sexy sort of groovy thing so now that people say yes we want spam spam is coming back everybody loves spam it's waterproof and you can get it to seal your roof is correct yes the reason they're relaunching it though according to the Daily Mail is it because of all the spam you get on internet they reckon this is a free advertising that's exam spam every time you open your home also its maps backwards this legal is it backward map [Music] [Applause] that's the Japanese spam advertising campaign this is about the greatest chat-up line in the world exactly and what is it it's it's something like this time next year we will be laughing exactly yes this time next year we will be laughing together does it work for you daisy weak at the knees yes what's the best chat up line you've ever heard this time next year you'll be inspired thank you I'll give you a guess who said this to me dance on the table for me and come back to my trailer no one need know is it girly man yes yes he did a groper the groper yeah yeah that played well though California anyone anyway I'll be back to my crazy here we speak ecstasy frightened it will hurt him she's jeered then it was uncanny and do you know where the Queen has been staying whilst in Germany yes in the fuhrerbunker she's been staying at the Avalon hotel it was Hitler's favorite hotel apparently also infamous for what did it get more interest than being Hitler's favorite hotel what the devil stays over to zero now this is the hotel where Michael Jackson dangled his son over the balcony she'd like to do it with Charles [Applause] no with michael jackson is something people haven't thought about it's the the impact that is cater said on other Peter files that live just stop me legally when you when you say Michael Jackson then you say other pedophiles like we suggested something that people haven't thought about it with Michael Jackson's forthcoming case whatever the outcome [Laughter] it's cheap photos software that is to blame for the outbreak of photo doctoring and it's surprisingly easy to use for example it took me about ten minutes to knock this one up and in Washington the newly elected president tries to heal the wounds of a divisive campaign what happens every time Blair has his photo taken with Bush they end up having casual sex over a couple of pizzas what I say over a couple of pizzas I mean they have the pizza his popularity takes an absolute nosedive does it blow that less because of pictures like this this you wonder what they've got to laugh about really I know now they're shopping for rings yeah there's this one oh you say it was a twin room so she please some bets have come up it's marvelous scheme for dogs who need to have their eyes tested they've got this test and if the dog needs glasses they will they will provide your dog with glasses how you entail that your dog needs glasses I don't know holds the guard unit pause [Applause] menu check a stick and it comes back with the pensioners leg yeah would you like to have a look at a dog modelling yeah no I wouldn't actually they're fantastic they make all dogs look like Allan Clarke not only chase cars but when they get they can do a bit of welding as well here's another doggy with glasses on is that Jack Nicholson's dog blues brother dog be very good at cleaning what can I tell them don't dump these glasses how can they tell it's a very simple test the dog goes to the opticians wof they can't do it glasses yeah what have they also tried out but scrapped laser surgery does that not work on dogs no it's not what I'm thinking of if it's in the news we've got a chance but what you're thinking you wouldn't want to know what I think you know you might be thinking of Mary Peters eating a jam sandwich I've no I I'm thinking of contact lenses well yeah I wouldn't have told that from your face hooah days for cats as the next thing met price is the woodpecker's yes [Music] [Applause] so this is the latest innovation for dogs with failing eyesight a pair of spectacles or doggles incidentally if you've never seen a dog have its eyes tested it has to read something like this Danny and joke beans was better because they paid for somebody to do that don't cut your one out we just stuck with that and guarantee this is a report that highlights the explosion of fifty something women who are Footloose and fancy-free hey tell me something I don't know I could see you as our Oh Zig leader absorb fight Leone can never taken lessons sorrow the gay blade never been accused of that yet get me to work on time well this again is the story which comes up with incredible frequency and it's absolute nonsense the idea being that sort of we'll all one day the hell on a plane in the centre of London which will take us to the countryside in three minutes this is what there'll be an air taxis what they say no they also say you know it was a Chuck into thing oh yeah we'll all have our own jetpacks it's never happened and I'm disappointed disappointed I'm looking forward to hover boots their little yeah what a hover boots just wear their boots the hover anybody see the other new travel breakthrough in the papers this week it's a horse and swim underwater yes it's the dolphin it's a mechanical dolphin that you can buy just like a real dolphin it goes under the water and it's saved same speed as a dolphin and this guy reckons our people to go by mechanical dolphins this is it we're gonna keep one of those dolphins there yeah yeah it's not something you can use is it unless you own see you come up with jetpacks in the pasture you come up with this idea as well you didn't know no I I think it's in this extraordinary idea and it will never see the light of day but I saw a picture with you and a dolphin yeah a long time ago parade that was there's a bloke at the end did it miss you miss you night miss you know the shoe nights do you know when that was a hit Paul you're a top man on that oh not really a Cliff Richard it was it hit for cliff I suppose it was 86 I say 85 76 you idiot [Laughter] besides cliff the market is currently saturated with perfumes endorsed by celebrities including Celine Dion Catherine zeta-jones Naomi Campbell JLo Britney Spears P Diddy Paris Hilton Maria Sharapova far too many when frankly there's only one perfume you need simply Dez [Music] [Applause] it's all about aspirations isn't it yes so and nothing we always fight to do better than we're doing the same show is easy but he's got ease that benefit my mom's education is it is he dumbing down I'm a my way above my capabilities he's doing the breaststroke you're going down for the third time look at it that was very quick yeah it's a number of popular singing stars no no lots of them Oh with popular beat combos I laid that's right can you talk us through who's there okay top right that chasni that's Jim from the jimmies now I don't know who any of them are but they it's band-aid and they're singing it do they know it's Christmas that's right they re-released it and managed to make quite a poor song slightly worse is all your fault isn't it I mean you this is band aid all started with your report yeah it's bollocks do a course because in in Ethiopia they don't know it's Christmas because it isn't Christmas is in January celebrate Christmas in January they do I didn't think they would celebrate Christmas at all why are they are the Christians in Ethiopia they are you know Coptic Christians so what Coptic Constance Chatterly Jesus doesn't get the cross after that it's back again the sequel yeah we actually had a story on the nine o'clock news some time ago about this Passion Play that went horribly wrong and in the interval before that last act Jesus refused to get on the cross because he said it was dangerous decided not he's up there for it twice the first time five good stage manager yeah broke Jesus's jaw Jesus goes to hospital yeah terrible delay when the curtain for the final lap pulls back judas iscariot someone across hollywood rewrite it's amazing what what people will do for charity really isn't it Michael it was Sir children in need last week newsreaders contribution was well to its usual standard wasn't it should we have a look oh I bet this is good [Applause] [Music] [Applause] believe it or not you come out of that quite well did you model that on Michael - an original performance do you see that [Applause] where's the lady in the six rows quivering think she Dale Winton those are Morris's shorts yes this is probably the end of Morris's political career so how did all of this come to light he was having an affair with a girl called petronella white mm-hm and her mother just spilled the beans not exactly she said they're not having an affair anymore which was helpful yeah quite subtle of her really and then how's Boris been coping since all of this happened do you know I haven't seen him really he's been doing quite well he's been out jogging maintaining his dignity [Music] [Music] [Applause] and they're practicing freeze next meeting with George W Bush yeah the central allegation about the colonies there was well I've been following the story I think everybody would you attack him now and Hatchin columns only my hearing was a problem but Linda got the same misinterpretation sorry love then mr. so right I'm very very old you must understand for the House of Lords basically it's a disgrace the inquiry is going to look into something very very small I'm a you know a nanny or a rail ticket or something well ignoring the main question is that you know blanket and the woman behaved like complete [ __ ] and the small matter of deceiving the husband into believing that he's had two children not just one - taking the boy away on holiday the father Dineen know what happened if something goes wrong who rings up pretending it's mr. mrs. blanket on holiday removing a child so that you can shag the woman in Corfu well I think well I think that analysis yet I think because I was shagging her and we had a deep personal relationship she could have free rail travel on the taxpayer where it did it really sorry mr. blanket I've done nothing wrong yes you have mate [Applause] sorry Lord Neal my liege you pick the type of no not yet will you will you be going to an outfitters to get the necessary roles Your Honor I will not I understand though is indeed placer already yes we can only gain from here yes I know can you give us a clue is they the first letter yeah of your title yes Lord can I not all nosy to be not at this juncture it may well be no it's not you will be allowed to just call you Neal your time you is holy Neal and you will be allowed to kneel and I think [Music] [Applause] right in so be distracted right oh okay I can speak this sort of youths tone and it says Tony you are great you see gr with the figure Eames great have you ever been a ballet dancer well yes yes I've been a ballet dancer I've also been Camilla parker-bowles for my life Ian was the emperor of persia and paul fluffy ginger kitten who's government i end up being a cake Linda thinks that a ginger kitten is about the highest form of living beings no she just said it would win the election when you couldn't [Music] difficulty has been in the subscription of numbers from the Hellenic Republic which gave a rather misleading view of the level of [Music] no but hang on we're trying to make a new host for the show [Music] I love this one this one that could have beaten John Major [Applause] [Applause] and apparently you suggested recently the in fact it was Glynnis who was falling a new safety I did absolutely that's right can we have a look again [Music] you will notice a critical a critical see wouldn't have that said about my wife what she was doing actually and I was cooperating yeah was to save the new gray boots and as a result that image was imprinted on the mind of a whole generation with certain political results may be next that you won't connect she still has the great power that's alright then what is the best journal for German Aeronautics she's first time Nets into Barden that's been developed ik that was our internationalist spokesman mister will self we've only come on since the war we put it behind us moved on as a country is in surrender weekly [Music] not be twitted from my anti-german sentiment I take it all back the country it was a mistake can't hold her in Heiner I feel my breasts well in Germany come on ode to joy' is I do you know we've a little culture on this program you seen too much music on this program we have to pay royalties and he don't and radio three of combining yeah thank you Amy right sing the football results in Gregorian [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Laughter] this is the announcement the BBC is gonna access thousands of jobs yeah do we remember how many people are going 20600 yeah nine hundred twenty thousand is actually three thousand three thousand that's not enough there's people working on this program it could be given the push it's nice wasn't it now I'm gonna give you a series of black type headlines the team who believes they can identify the story using the minimum numbers of words gets the first attempt to play there is you following this yes there is a point what is this show they met you look lost talking to their just carry on I'll continue then there's a point available for every word that remains covered we're gonna start then appropriately with Ian and Julian what's your bid on this news lot of help in this scenario we say the three three Paul I mean what are you gonna give us on that oh I we bit for a little bit okay before we do it anyway don't we well you start and then it goes over to them if you don't get it right that would have happened anyway even if they haven't unless they bid run or something and they just got her it was obviously gonna go to them next wasn't it but I mean I knew here Ian and Julian have come up with three that's at the lowest bid name that news Gor blimey we can't find Nemo am I to have any say in this I stand corrected what I meant to say was Julian I'm with cor blimey it might be we can't find Nemo safe to say you didn't get it in three so it's over to the other talk you're gonna go for it in four I came for that's good it's got to be over fishing we can't over fish Nemo yeah we can't fill it no more yeah seems a bit graphic we can't Nick Nemo you've got the story yeah yeah you know what we said - you said core black I want photographs of you say well I think I'm going to give you that even though you didn't get the card you got the story what more can you tell us [Music] just listen to the audience how it worked on ITV's name that tune I tell you Isis codename that news not name that cheese and also Ted Rogers didn't put up with as much bloody anger yeah I knew that's right you tell me more about the story you've over fish there's not enough cod and we can't find Nemo Paul what's your bid on this I'll go up its three three three for us okay Ian in Julian is five not forgetting bid it might like it we'll get four to 200 competitive now right name that news I know what this is this is a silk isn't it getting a bucketload of what they call on in the newspaper slurry when the [ __ ] hit the tag [Applause] that's it that is it absolutely got it yeah it was a buckets Lonnie thrown over at Robert Kilroy so I don't suppose anybody's interested in seeing this picture no I think anybody did find any kind of amusement and that sort of thing is psychiatric help [Applause] [Music] what's your bid on this Julian do I dare speak one one we can do it in one kirstie well we'll do it another in not okay none is obviously the lowest bid so name that news now this is where the plan might fall down shortest word and a long dish were yeah that couldn't happen that often this we are used to doing um that truthful that was kept overnight overnight in a fridge yeah and it went off right off yes so it's off trifle off truffle shuffle off off trouble all of those are wrong Julian in one a Patrol Christmas I can't be considered news exclusive right to give him we haven't even taken as long as they took over there truffle store funny who have you written speeches for you know one sort of throws the odd idea it sounds embarrassing it was it no I mean I was in some Ben Smith but it's why he and Duncan favor you weren't responsible for this when I settle on a course I stick to it not coming to rest of eight the determination of a quiet man the quiet man is here to stay and he's turning up the volume all the way to 11 yeah and the country the collective-action just went across napoleon didn't look like a leader did it because he was little and squeaky boys yeah but he wasn't useless was it I did talk to IDs at a charity ball but it wasn't for long and I really can't remember what I said to him I'm guessing dry white wine please waiter I think I said that you know that's a quote from a newspaper of course he didn't say yeah we have yeah former editor and everything sorry childís dude deep detail for me to start no yes you do no no it's our version of name that word bin Laden's hideout is what very effective [Music] is it perfectly acceptable for some herb or mr. Bartholomew it's not from excellence don't you yes part of winter soup would have been surprisingly avant-garde for rural Highbury like a bad shop signing cherry Omri everything's been taken over by robot you murderer he's not would know nothing about football someone else should resign what Blair [Applause] it's Christmas Ronnie you've got to get him going oh my god this must be about Charles saying that he will eventually marry Camilla and with the Queen's blessing I presume when will you marry her ah after all the to do with the dead ex-wife to do there's been quite a to-do why do you think it's leaked out now at this particular time smoker finally runs out of puff is this about a very old woman who died aged 100 years old she was over a hundred she smoked all her life all alive they had a little funeral for her and they had flowers in the shape of a [ __ ] they buried her with her favorite brand she wasn't cremated with oldest Smokies hanging around side getting a stop at the chimney this is Mary Alice who died who died aged 105 don't look a day over ominous give another thrill of a lifetime I think this is bullying staff of sellotape back to them [Music] a major turn ass ago said she smoked right up to the end and for a couple of days afterward did you hear what a tea towel buyer from one on the big shoe pockets told the mail this week well he said we're washed up [Applause] can you a clear up whether or not you did threaten to overrule Derek through this what you're really going to go back denis chopped his head off his head has come off oh thank you this is the exhibition of Matt Madame Tussauds featuring celebrities as characters in the nativity scene there have been a number of complaints about the scene which features Graham Norton Kylie Minogue David Beckham and George W Bush [Laughter] as wise man I'll go compared to David Beckham I suppose is the one in the middle saying I got it the billets one day we shall be a Christmas card is the father saying doesn't look a bit like me it's not couplings are a bit large [Applause]

Channel: str1tsa

Views: 119,302

Rating: 4.7651243 out of 5

Keywords: hignfy

Id: Zccv5RMLOs0

Length: 50min 17sec (3017 seconds)

Published: Sun Apr 19 2020