The best of Hignfy series 59

[Music] i'm willing to bet they can't get 10 minutes out of this [Laughter] hello i'm steph mcgovern and welcome to the 59th series of have i got news for you which makes us one of the oldest shows on television and officially puts us in the vulnerable category which is why we're self-isolating for the next few weeks the planning for pandemics has obviously not been this government's great strength i mean it hasn't been in very long um but i think any of the government's great strengths and it is um it is rather remarkable to to hear them talk a slogan about it's time that we saved the nhs um which is something that they could have contributed to a bit earlier yeah there's a number of things that need to speed up very rapidly uh-oh there's the police is that is there sirens from yours yes that is the plea they're coming to snipe me through the window because i went to the shop for a non-essential reason earlier ian's been going out for two jobs a day he's breaking the rules oh yeah but ian had to go out to the shops to buy a new pair of spats [Laughter] you really go through them when you're on your own i tell you ian a question i'd like to ask ian a question why is he broken into his local reference library in order to do this program [Laughter] now this is a very ordinary set of shelves paul how many of those books have you actually read or indeed colored in [Laughter] nearly all of them carry on what's trump been up to ian trump's trying to prove um that britain isn't um the least prepared and least efficient country in dealing with the virus so he's he's doing us a huge favor though he did have a go at um britain and said you know britain messed this up and they had to do a really sharp u-turn um despite the fact that he did the sharpest u-turn of all having originally said the virus was no problem it was under control then he said it'd be all over by easter now he said it's a national emergency and the whole country has got to be locked up um so quite a lot of politicians doing massive u-turns but you know trump thinks he will sort it but ian he actually said right the beginning that he was a hoax conjured up by the democratic party yeah and then he then he said that it's um uh chinese flew um as though no one else was gonna get it um and then it turned out there were people fleeing america to go to mexico uh to try and avoid getting the virus and you thought well there's irony maybe the mexicans are gonna shove up a wall but then again you know it we've got to be careful about being too um too critical because we haven't been brilliant ourselves what do the people want according to the mail on sunday oh sorry who do the people want according to the mail on sunday what do they want is a lot easier at the moment bog roll eggs chopped tomatoes would be nice i can do you a shopping list if you like frosties you see any frosties anywhere okay everyone we're going to pick up the piece of it now with a quick fire quiz so fingers on buzzers everyone yeah there's a shortage of buzzers i went out and tried to buy some buzzers but i mean everyone's taken them and then the woman said you've had a buzzer you you bought a buzzer yesterday you can't have one so i'm got one um i'm really sorry kent scott i have absolutely no buzzers look miles get me one in gwen will you i've got what's me if miles just picked up a carrot what have you got don't spread rumors uh this this is um this is from the early learning center it's uh oh brilliant [Music] [Applause] [Music] absolutely absolutely appalling i don't think paul's coping well with this lockdown are you sweetheart well for a kickoff i can't i believe i can't believe that grandparents can't work skype i bet that's just what they've said i'm very worried by you paul why are you worried about me ian well i mean they they keep discovering a lot of new symptoms i mean people have no taste which the shirt is pretty clear but i mean being a really miserable bastard i mean i i didn't know but it's i i i get yourself tested you're calling me you're surprised i'm a miserable bastard you're the man who's been mentoring me for the last 30 years [Laughter] what's a herd of mountain goats been getting up to in clinton window shopping they've been there lots of them yeah in london they're sort of shy creatures normally and uh but because the streets are empty they've suddenly uh just sort of sashayed into town like a load of like a sort of uh gang of hell's angels and um and they've got the run of the place they're having a tremendous time i think they don't normally come into town because they find it hard to park and anyone who's worried about how close they are uh to each other don't because they've developed herd immunity oh yeah it's all the fault of the nanny state goats of course will eat anything much like the rest of us in two weeks time what do you mean two weeks eggs chopped tomatoes ian you seem to be ian ian you seem to be rather obsessed with the notion of chopped tomatoes oh ordinary tomatoes not good enough for you or do they need to be chopped um i've got no one to chop them this is the news that a new piece of artificial intelligence can turn brainwaves into words so in the future we might be able to read each other's thoughts so what's the point of that then did i just hear a cow move then no well one of our brain waves was moving and you've just kind of ascertained it i've got a cow in the room with me because milk deliveries around here are a little bit uncertain at the moment so uh i'm basically squeezing the no i'll leave it there [Laughter] don't blimey a walking sofa [Laughter] james bond the film which was going to come out in april um has now been put back uh till november and it's got some title like um die today or you're dead now or uh there is no pulse something like that yeah the release of his latest bond film no time to die has been pushed back to the autumn what is it that's a great title sorry i'm just interrupting it's literally called no time to die yes yeah and working title was dry cough but they changed that [Laughter] he was a russian agent in the subplot dry cough nevermind carry on yes brilliant absolutely since september beatrice has been thwarted in her attempts to marry a fiancee eduardo mapoli motzi an italian noble who the telegraph described as technically a count woman's surprise spa brick ends in disappointment after boyfriend takes her on tour of spa shops in the midlands this is sue piki from birmingham who'd been promised a romantic weekend away only to be taken to nine spa shops in the local area he's the happy couple don't worry though he's made up for it because he's promised her a holiday to iceland oh look ian in the background if you're bringing the photo up again ian there's some tomatoes in the corner there they are look hang on let's have a look they're not chopped he won't want him he won't know what it is [Music] look nice though right the final scores are in what are they before i announce them miserable bastard one paul ii [Laughter] paul and helen have seven ian and miles have four hey the world's ending and you still care about the score very well once again life is worth living we know you've been suffering from a lack of chopped tomatoes um well i can't believe it but actually having um whinged on this program last week saying i couldn't find any chopped tomatoes any frosties um one of my neighbors left a package um at uh my door uh you'll see it behind me including some chopped tomatoes and some frosties in a variety pack which is unbelievably kind of her i must be the least deserving person this week to receive a package of anything sort of an orwellian new world sitting here just talking in front of a camera and i've got two men outside in a van wearing masks and gloves i haven't had an afternoon like that since amsterdam in 1987 being quite nostalgic you want to start with the elephant in the room the fact that our prime minister is actually in hospital yes it's not great for comedy is it um but i think we should probably acknowledge that we um we don't wish him ill we wish him well we want him to get back um and you know obviously then we can be rude about him again but there is there's absolutely nothing uh for anyone in having the prime minister of your country actually ill with the pandemic that's going on so i think we should acknowledge that i found a wonderful way of ensuring social isolation by the way i'm teaching myself the accordion no one has been within 500 yards of the vicarage for the past fortnight it's going very well that's great uh it's quite odd to see them on that roundabout though isn't it they've just got no concept of social distancing at all those sheep unlike this cat i said this is a terrible time for people without any real spatial awareness so isn't it i'm really bad at sort of estimating and guesstimating measurements i mean is that that's about is that two meters i don't know it's um it's okay good no that no it's a tall bloke so imagine richard osmond lying down between you and the next person some of us don't have to imagine that all right richard uh what did kirsten admit to doing every night he admitted to moisturizing yeah he moisturizes extremely good advice i do um and i've found that it's just worked wonders on my complexion which you can probably see is sort of quite extraordinary for a man my age i would say that this makes him a more interesting man so zoe does that make his star more more interesting to you slightly i just want to know if it's a full body moisturizing or is it just facial i hate a dry knee but doesn't everyone moisturize stephen you moisturize come on i'm in show biz of course i'm 106. fingers back on buzzers oh that's a cowbell [Laughter] factory round here just knocked off two hours early so i i haven't got the answer i just wanted to blow it what is it it's one of these is it a vasella that might mean nothing to you but in 10 minutes time this place will be full of vikings lizette went viral last week after using the filter setting on her webcam to turn herself into a potato during an online work meeting she couldn't turn the filter off and had to spend the whole meeting looking like this there you go i'm a little bit distracted because my wine my wine deliveries just arrived wine delivery yeah it's essential this is essential goods how much have you stockpiled well it goes lovely with beetroot do you want to go and get them no no it's fine you have to go away i want the telly richard would you like to play us out on your accordion yes right you sunbathing oi keep your distance actually i kind of do think they should stop them for sunbathing but i thought it was ironic because he was actually about four meters away and then he approached to within about a meter i liked the way as well in that video where the policeman originally went for his loud hailer which i assumed the camera was gonna pan around and we would see somebody like 200 feet away but he was actually right there so uh made me laugh that where did the nhs get some extra ventilators from it wasn't like from soap operas or something was it oh yes well done yeah holby city wasn't it yes well done phil yeah exactly holby city that's the answer yeah it's been terrible for holby city none of the plot stories make sense anymore because they haven't got a hospital left i was fascinated by the idea that holby city has really good working vent i mean they got everything else so they got dialysis units um prenatal care have they got the lot there i mean i'd like to go this is fantastic but no apology home secretary for these failings which nhf staff and their families blame on the government well i'm sorry if people feel that there have been failings i'll be very very clear about that that's great that's one of those i'm sorry if when i first started having um when i had a business that had customer complaints to kind of protect ourselves we'd use the if if you feel we're not admitting it it's not our responsibility if you feel you know i mean i learned very quickly that really winds people up it's just means if other people are so stupid as to take offense by the fact that i've done something they don't like then i'm sorry for them um it's a non-apology it's what was nevertheless quite popular over the easter holidays what were a lot of people getting up to that they shouldn't it's to do with phones oh i've been out um destroying these 5g masks because apparently we can catch coronavirus through them might this be true the 5g thing no no and and one of the giveaways is that eamonn holmes said it might be um it's always worth having those key indicators um flashing and eamon holmes is certainly one of them the other thing is when he was questioned about it he said that there was um he immediately said that this wasn't being challenged by state media now as soon as someone talks about the british press's state media you know they've been on the internet too long it really is time for them to go out in the garden have a bit of sunshine and stop believing complete rubbish um and the idea that um a 5g network can give you a virus is it's not really in an opinion or an interesting conspiracy it's just bollocks what has east london rapper getz announced he's planning to do uh yeah he's he's doing a tour in his house so he's doing a gig in the bathroom then another one in the living room uh another one in the kitchen i think a couple of them have sold out already so there's one in the shed everybody looks sold out at the end of that round two points each i can hear i can hear the ringing of a bell somebody got something in the microwave it's our clock i didn't think you'd be able to hear it in the panic room but there it is it came through the door is that your panic room victoria well they're all panic rooms now aren't they let's be honest it looks very very um formal thank you it's actually the murder inquiry room normally but you know leads must you've changed your noise yeah i did yeah it's one of those things that the world is ever changing um i didn't really know the answer to this but i just wanted to blow my whistle isn't this about monkeys uh were apparently uh 40 000 years ago um sailed from one part of the world to another in a boat they traveled from africa to south america on rafts of storm tossed vegetation a bit longer than forty thousand years ago and you know how long it was before four higher doll that's all i know before four thought higher doll it was one of the marvel franchises it was terrific you're a fan of marvel superhero movies um i didn't say i was a fan i said i was aware of them it's rather like sir cliff richard's music i wouldn't say that i get up and dance to devil woman but i am aware of his long and and interesting i think whenever ian's local cinema shows one of these films he's the first to organise a picket line [Laughter] how has one man been helping his gerbils cope with lockdown he's he's actually built them an art gallery here it is oh oh that's brilliant that's a vermeer and a klimt and a munch plus muncher's the squeak [Laughter] what video did he play during the press briefing for everyone to enjoy well it was a video of his greatest hits of the of everything he's done right since january um but ignoring uh what he did in february which was nothing let's have a look at it keep your eye on trump as he plays this video about how great he is how worried should americans be about coronavirus coronavirus is not going to cause a major issue in the united states well we've asked them to accelerate whatever they're doing in terms of a vaccine obviously the news channel's cut away then because they thought it was turning into a campaign video he he has a problem with with the role of the press who he imagines are there to say that he's marvelous and he's done everything right and he just he cannot get his head around the fact that somebody might not think he is marvelous and this might be true um i mean the video he played was an attack on the press it was basically saying the press underestimated the strength of the of the um pandemic whereas he dismissed it as a hoax he didn't underplay it he said it didn't exist but he left that bit out he's too mad for fox news i mean that's quite an achievement despite donald trump's skepticism we have seen some evidence that americans are using hand sanitizer she turned up on the american version of the masked singer oh i want to know whether ian still fancies her when did i say that was it 10 years ago 15 you said she she was your type of woman now you're just making it up find me the clip youth did say she was a very attractive woman yes i did oh really there's nothing as humiliating as hindsight is there what isn't as glamorous as it sounds oh um a golden shower as i found out to my peril disappointing news for you um i'm afraid you haven't won the award for best background bookshelves that honour has gone to historian simon sharma i think that's cheating because it looks like he's read them all the ironic thing is one of those books is tidying up by marie condo maybe one of those secret rooms that you open the door by pulling out a book and he's just forgotten which one it is thomas the dog from michigan went viral he stole a set of false teeth leading to [Laughter] this it's richard branson [Laughter] i'm where i'm wary of the word and he stole a set of false teeth as if that dog has been responsible for putting in those teeth as opposed to a board owner but we'll go with it thoughts inevitably are now turning towards unlocking the lockdown the mail reported that the government are considering a traffic light system any idea how that might work paul yes red followed by yellow followed by green and then repeat the process yeah and the idea is you to gradually ease the country back into go mode so in the red phase basically shops will be allowed to open at first and hairdressers thank god ian hey uh then uh in the next amber phase schools might open they're talking about may the 25th there's a provisional opening day for those and then finally the green phase is when the pubs will open here it is as the sun's report pubs shut till christmas oh don't worry if you were worried about keeping up with the death toll if they've got that covered as well um what has sports commentator nick heath been doing to keep himself amused he's going around parks and essentially commentating on whatever he sees in front of his eyes in regards to sporting achievements let's have a have a look at a montage of some of his best moments well you join me here live at uh tooting common and uh well this the final of the two lonely blokes in a park contest will you join me live outside saint nicholas church and it's pidgin dressage that has our attention for the next few moments will you join me live for what i've been told is the tooting dogging final and will you join me live in tooting plenty going on today as the round the block relay comes past us it's mike parsons in the third round of drag a load of tap down the road and park it and it's a solid start now uh if i was getting that car i'd have been a bit worried police in london have been criticized for allowing this crowd to clap for carers on westminster bridge nice to see them clapping the people who'll be treating them next week so fingers on buzzers everyone got a buzzer to hand henny what's your buzzer going to be this and this and then i'll just make the noise of hitting one of dolls is that the world cup yeah of course everyone's got one perfect someone's gonna have to tell me who was first there because all i can hear it's like a fight and a stable so how has the polish painter yerrik kubichi uh made an artistic stance against the police someone seen these they're quite fun recreated famous pictures that's absolutely right yes he's he's been drawing them into thank you i've forgotten the music of course the buzzers he's been drawing them into classical art scenes as a comment on their overzealous enforcement of lockdown uh here is one and here's this one it's rather lovely and finally well that's that's brilliant yeah because they were hanging about in a garden together in a public place probably sunbathing on their way to the dry cleaners by the look of it paul some people on twitter have been saying how much they like your wallpaper mate yeah yes it's curtains it's curtains some people on twitter um need to uh get a better picture quality i think but i take the compliment very nicely yeah well i'll be prepared for a backlash now now that it's curtains mate yeah it doesn't matter i don't don't get twitter they can see what they like and james you host a radio phoning so i guess this will feel pretty familiar to you just listening to a handful of idiots while sat there in your underpants [Laughter] yeah it's a bossman's holiday are you actually wearing trousers james why are we suddenly talking about whether or not i'm wearing trousers i'm gonna there you go i've got trousers on okay but we've got news here well to be fair you only got up a little bit those could be shorts i think that's taking the curse off my curtains in terms of the twitter feed i don't think they're gonna be bothering about my curtains anymore so thanks very much for that following the cancellation of his flight to magaluf one man refused to let it get in the way of his holiday plans how does he know it's his [Laughter] like when when my grandparents talk about what they did during the war and all of their national service and then ours is essentially oh we just had to stay indoors and binge watch netflix to the point where we were watching documentaries on the panama canal when was that on that that sounds terrific it's amazing honestly it's amazing get involved fantastic panama canal for god's sake the first wartime analogy was that we didn't close the pubs during the blitz that was the reason why we shouldn't have that i shouldn't have the lockdown which kind of missed the point that the germans weren't really trying to kill londoners by infecting them in pubs and and then i heard another uh character saying that the we i think it might have been farad saying that we didn't have social distancing during the blitz and i still haven't quite worked out the logic behind that idea as if maybe it would have helped the bombs would have landed in between people if they'd all stay two meters apart one of the great successes of the lockdown according to pretty patel is that uh crime particularly shoplifting and burglary has gone down and she said this entirely straight faced without thinking that all the shops are closed and most people at home so the burglars can't get in what are belgians being told to do to help their economy is it drink no it's actually um to eat chips to help reduce belgium's potato mountain uh the call has come from the head of belga pom the belgium potato industry buddy he's called remain calls whoa no way romaine cools this just gets better and better and he's telling people to eat chips a man called romaine cools head of belgian palm is telling people to keep eating chips to keep the country afloat the world has gone bat literally what was donald trump's latest contribution to the health of americans he mused aloud whether it would be a good idea for people to inject disinfectant into themselves or to perhaps even drink it to clean out their lungs um i think he should be the first to volunteer i'm just going to say we ran a um a piece in private eye three weeks ago uh which was meant to be a joke saying that because bleach is very effective against the virus perhaps you should put your head over a bowl of it and inhale it and i just had no idea he was a subscriber well that just is a gratuitous advert for private eye why isn't they being allowed to come on and gratuitously private eye right and then i see the disinfectant where it knocks it out in a minute one minute and is there a way we can do something like that by injection inside or oh she just looks like every woman who sat at the bus stop mining their own business and the the weird crazy guy just doesn't leave them alone like her logic is just stare at the ground for long enough and maybe he'll go away cadburys have changed their logo they paid a huge amount of money to redesign their logo so that it says something completely different to here's some chocolate this is the old logo now shall we have a look at the brand new logo which some advertising experts have said can't have been cheap boom oh hardly recognized it i read around some of the industry publications and they explained that for a million pounds you changed the whole global footprint of the brand and and i still thought it was completely ridiculous but i did read cadbury saying it wasn't a million pounds it was just hundreds and thousands oh oh dear yes well done [Music] [Applause] paul's face the cadburys don't make hundreds and thousands the joke is flaws it's captain logic why can't he let him have his moment paul well if he start letting him have moments like that it'll be no end to it yeah i'll be doing panto jokes with punch lines that don't make any sense well cadburys have apparently officially they've officially denied uh that it cost them a million pounds they didn't come up with the hundreds and thousands gag because apparently they said it it wouldn't really make sense exactly and if they've paid a million pounds for it i mean that's that figures out of this world i don't know sorry that's galaxy that's a joke that's a joke all that happened is that you know very overpaid consultants they were asked to to find a new angle on it if you look at the picture they have it's about 45 degrees um ian before i laugh at that can i just get verification from paul that that makes logical sense no no i think that was just a general comment i don't think it was meant as humor [Laughter] i love this paul's become a sort of var of logical jokes yeah exactly yeah complete vasted [Laughter] my cats just walked in your cat's just walked in what's the name of your cat ian william pitt the younger or something like that rhys smoggy [Laughter] what is your cat called ian he's good colin um i think ian's about to do an incredible impression of a bond villain if this goes the way i hope oh can i just say this is proof he really isn't meant to be in here are you colin you are meant to be over there it's week seven of lockdown the show's been moved from friday to thursday nothing to do with ve day it's just the bbc schedule doesn't know what day of the week it is anymore ian last week no offense but you were rather upstaged by calling the cat yes and um i've spent most of the last week acting as his agent so i'm sorry he can't be here tonight he's he's had a lot of better offers he's um he's on gogglebox and gardner's world and i think eamon holmes has invited him on so sorry sorry oh will we have any surprise guests emerging from behind your much talked about curtains tonight uh yes i unders yes quite possibly i can't believe these curtains have become some kind of twitter thing i mean they're curtains it's a tribute to your performance ball the people notice the curtains why doesn't he get out of the way so we can see more of the curtains here's some surprising footage of a weatherman in florida encountering a similar problem to you ian here buddy you just messed that come up here for a second come on come up here come on up up up up the maps aren't going to move because he just whacked the computer with his head so let me let me just verbalize the forecast okay that wasn't that wasn't very smart i love the fact he's got a little picture of his dog framed behind him at all times as well he loves that dog a lot a contact tracing app um which is going to help identify if you come anywhere near someone else who's got it and then it'll alert you and tell you lots of other people have been doing this from the start it's part of the the testing process that we've been a bit slow to put it mildly to get going but we're going um and people are a bit worried um about privacy issues they think oh no um the government's gonna know everything about me and the alternative is that you give it to google and the other giants who've been so good over the years um about protecting your privacy it's essentially who do you trust least this government or the tech giants it's a tough one but i think we're gonna get there and i do also really pity the young people of the isle of wight they are gonna literally have to spend five days you know teaching their grandparents how to download this um app and see if they can get it to work there's probably quite a lot of them that think that one of the new symptoms of coronavirus is that you get a bluetooth the major headache that the prime minister is going to have is keeping his dad away from the pub that is going to be the mean thing keep him away from a broadcasting studio that'd do [Laughter] complete lockdown on johnson's it sounds draconian it sounds like it's a liberty issue but it isn't it's for all of our good it sounds a bit dirty to be honest ian a bit risque it's so strange seeing matt hancock try and school somebody when his nickname um for people in the conservative party he's called matty moo machi moo i know it's like a weird public school thing no we'd have had a much better name than that matty moo it's friendly and kind and doesn't imply he's going to be put his head down the toilet i can't see that as a funny nickname at all well seen as his surnames hancock it can't be that difficult to come up with something i don't know if anyone can hear me but i'm losing sound off and on are you here with me chris one two three four five okay well i'm back on i don't know how much more difficult we can make this for you chris [Laughter] would it help if the questions were in latin there was a story about a tiger that was discovered in kent at the weekend and so the police were called by a startled onlooker and they rushed to the scene to find that the tiger was actually a sculpture created by a a woman who said she's been it's been there for about 20 years you know in kent though you are you're more likely to be run over by a tiger driving a white van then you are to be eaten by a tiger in a field there's quite a few wildlife parks in kent so there's like the the population of tigers in kent is probably higher than you might imagine there he goes again undoing his undoing jokes with with facts feel as if it's a service i can provide here's the tiger with some of his new friends wouldn't it be funny if while they were having their photo taken a real tiger came out from a bush and at the mall it's interesting you say that chris because actually there are quite a number of wildlife parks in kentucky there's more tigers than you might imagine do you know what i've heard i've heard that before it's um yeah so am i i don't wear it i've heard it from but uh somewhere bloody bbc repeat exactly there's a woman she's a sculptor she sculpted it she said it's been there 20 years so i imagine that somebody went for a walk near their house where they hadn't been before and they came across it and uh there it was um but it's not a surprise really because i don't know if you know this but it's actually a surprising number of tigers in kent because there's a number of wildlife parks i think i'm getting a bit of echo on my earpiece [Laughter] you've got your buzzers ready what you got got a cute little penguin here whose name is barry wilson and um i'll tell you what he does so if i say i know the answer to this one oh perfect the thing about this episode paul is you've been repeating everything you say as well so we could get caught up in some kind of eternal loop there's more tigers in kent that you would actually imagine because there's a lot of wildlife parts there goldfish spotted on street after man takes it for a walk this week a spanish man was stopped by police after taking his goldfish out for a walk let's have a look i can't even begin to imagine it's a goldfish bowl on a park bench chris with a goldfish okay and the man being arrested next to it yeah i thought he'd just add it on a string or something last week on the show we had this sculpture of chris whitty by penny lally would you like to guess which public figure she sculpted this week i can't imagine since you're asking me the question oh that's very good oh wow yes now that is good and and just a touch flattering let's hope you never turn that color i think it looks like you've just remembered you've got something really fantastic in the fridge for later if only that were true why does sculptor just done a head of ian why hasn't she picked other people in the public eye maybe she doesn't have much clay left and ian's got the smallest head how dare you okay as we move on um as criticism when did she actually start sculpting this head do you know he's really upset now i i can hear it in the tone do you want a sculpture of your own head paul [Laughter] yes [Laughter] [Music] i spent that whole video trying to predict how that was going to go wrong and you just didn't see that no that was brilliant it's the most peculiar week i mean someone obviously briefed all the press and all the media at the beginning of the week saying we're opening up uh lockdown's easing pubs open schools it's great we're all back to work and then by the end of the week boris is on on sunday night and says uh no no none of that's happening at all and people said it's a very mixed message and i thought it was absolutely clear i don't know what i'm doing no lack of clarity there i don't think you have what we could call a smooth rollout this week from the government and we had this it's pretty simple really and ultimately if we get to the advice now you can meet your parents in a park one by one if they sit in a car and take it in turns perhaps um or you can pay them money to come and clean your house or you could put your house on the market and then you can see if your parents want to buy your house in which case they could visit dominic rabb said that you could play tennis as long as you didn't hang around in the clubhouse afterwards and he also said uh that window cleaners would be able to go back to work as long as they only did the outside of the windows so you're getting an incredibly piecemeal approach to everyone's working lives from dominic rabb on his sort of manic media monday i believe one of the things you are allowed to do is pose for sculpture in your own home i think that's being opened up now you can you can do that i love how much it hurts bitterly having hyped up the sun to say pubs are gonna open everything's gonna be back it turned into the most middle-class easing ever tennis is all right golf fishing nannies are back and you're cleaner does that does that cover everything probably not for most of the population i've now been displaced i got a load of letters last week that didn't say dear sir or dear editor they said dear colin zoner that's just tragic well when the sculpture of paul's head is there colin will be a thing of the past i bet you next week it will be a sculpture that bloody cat i would i still won't have it yeah look it's colin so we might get football from june um and there are discussions underway but there's lot i think there has to be a cultural change in terms of how football's approached the game who's not happy about this do you know he does work in the area of football ian yeah you don't work in the area of football ian come on oh little do you know joe sorry are you a referee at local levels ian [Laughter] why did police in queensland think an illegal social gathering was going on in a brisbane eatery what works you're not far off there the owner had made use of some mannequins that were being thrown away by the neighboring hair salon and he thought it'd make the restaurant look less empty and depressing if he did this well once again you'll show me busts of people is there something just to wind me up or something i mean oh thank god thanks very much what's this what's this place called the decapitation cafe the police must have been quite worried if they thought this is real [Laughter] not just lock down breaking you have got buzzers haven't you paul you've got a head off a cafe in adelaide i believe oh no it's a whole lot he's so desperate he's brought along his own sculpture yeah being sculpture uh my own sculpture will be doing an impression of prince charles how are you coping with this at the moment ian well i'm i'm very thrilled to have you on as host obviously the the purveyor of apocalyptic vision we get nostradamus next week and after that the four horsemen of the apocalypse are gonna sit there and fire some jolly questions at us i blame you there was a test earlier on where there were people sitting on in all four of your houses and i was talking to four people in face masks it was like i was having a breakdown it was the most black mirror thing i've ever seen and i've sat in the edit for that show following the government's confused message about whether to stay home or go out one man tries to do both [Music] it's just been so confusing from the beginning that's why at the start of it boris johnson was saying well i i we must shake hands and then change in his mind so you must not travel unless you're going somewhere and must stay at home at all times when you're not out and go to work but not travel there so you must float and that this will come in on monday unless monday falls on a monday and then they wonder why people are confused well that made more sense to be honest mark what is one of the more confusing aspects of the i've just noticed here's a question i should have asked you earlier what's one of the more confusing aspects of the government's back to normal campaign um it is the i'll give you the answer it's the the planned return to school of primary age children on june the first what did michael gove say you're accusing the government of being confused and you've just given us the question afterwards if you won't all say things in the right order for the pieces of paper they've given me remotely from your flipping homes on the other side of the internet um top copper cressida dick uh said cressida dick cressida cressida cressida which sounds better cressida she's not an influencer no it sounds like yes an element of french philosophy to it i am the philosophical police chief she said something about the lockdown it was quite philosophical what she said do you know what it was yeah she said people keep getting my name wrong you could have called a clarissa knob so i suppose we're on to a winner in some respects no she pointed out she revealed that it's easier to police the streets when they're empty we're going to play a quick game of bird swan hamster cat yeah rey hannah what is this swan this is this is the easier round this woman's a scientist what is this it's a swamp the trickier tell her the answer she might not know it is a smart she said it was a swan animal is this oh for god's sake it's a cat yeah and i'm not gonna mention my own cat clearly because i don't wanna annoy paul um it's just not worth it don't kiss your cats don't kiss your cat that's the advice because i'm sorry to break this to you ian don't kiss your cat that's the advice from a scientific study in australia which is trying to establish where the cat to human transmission of the virus is possible so if you can't kiss your cat what's ian gonna do on a friday night [Laughter] everyone's keen of course to get back to doing what they enjoy but how will those activities have to change in the world of the new normal well let's find out as i ask if you want to do that what's the caveat that's terrible paul and mark filming a tv drama if you want to do that what's the caveat do they have to be in different rooms so eastenders will be like one person on zoom going shut it and then someone else 100 miles away going i'm going to turn you off and not reinvite you to the meeting i'm going to show you a piece of art yes wonderful piece of art i'd like you to identify the subject okay oh well i mean last i mean this is obviously the same artist that the very good head of ian last week i mean i do have teeth that is in fact you paul by artist penny lally luckily for you paul it's not the only one well you see that's brilliant i wish i hadn't complained about the first one now i think that's very flattering well my hair's not quite that dark and i haven't got a bum on my face but other than that it's perfect let's face it you usually see a picture like that with the words police are looking for a man in his late 60s the phrase is be careful what you beg for any university students worried that they're paying full tuition fees but won't get value for money don't worry you've got this graduation ceremony to look forward [Laughter] [Music] and during an online sermon recreating the feeding of the 5000 there are clues as to where the dean of canterbury is hiding his fish finding the people around too many for them to get is that a curiously updated version of the lion the witch and the wardrobe there we go there's the prime minister explaining that black is white and the other prime minister explaining that white's black white obviously black and there's the eye test ah mr cummings can you see why everyone's so angry with you and think you should resign you complete and utter fraud and i think the answer is no i think he failed the test is that what it says on the eye chart that he was looking at that man i am a complete and utter fraud after a joint scoop by the daily mirror and the guardian claiming that dominic cummings had broken the country's strict lockdown by driving 260 miles to durham and embarking on a further jaunt to barnard castle he held a press conference ian i'm sure you were convinced by that he gave an hour and a half of utter twaddle it's absolutely clear he did break the regulations he found one tiny clause which he said made an exception but that didn't cover the journey for example to barnard castle it was nonsense it was absolute nonsense and i suppose people were crossed because they think he's taking us for an idiot i mean the eye test thing is marvelous the idea that you're not sure whether you can drive back to london so in order to test your eyesight you put your four-year-old in the back of the car and drive around to see if you knock over any pedestrians or maybe smack into a bollard and that way you'll know your eyes aren't there and i think his greatest irritation he said at the beginning of it all the press are doing is giving misinformation about my whereabouts and that's his job he gave the impression in pieces in the spectator and he got his wife to work pieces suggesting he was in london which he wasn't so he's very very cross um this man has become the center of the story and i just i cannot understand why he hasn't resigned that's boris may i remind mr hislop that he's appearing for the defense that was the defense i think the buying for blood over dominic cummings is getting us nowhere well he hasn't resigned yet don't give up the cabinet secretary mark saidwell had coronavirus boris had it mark matt hancock had it in fact the whole government had it at the same time and we only found out about most of it afterwards and you know why that is janet because the virus targets low-skilled workers that's a terrible argument that just because everyone else is a shower that the head of the shower shouldn't resign i mean we are an international laughingstock uh yes i mean he broke the regulations straight away um by going back to work um number one then he broke the you've got to stay at home and isolate the exceptional clause really doesn't apply to him and it was in sorry yeah come in and ian's met the right man so everything's going well yeah i'm terribly sorry that was a um a package of valium i think i think it's been sent by the producers i do apologize so why are some people angry that he made the 260 mile journey [Music] and he'll tell you yeah i haven't a clue i mean i why are people so angry i can't see it myself if you can't see it in get in your car drive the canterbury cathedral that'll clear it you feel like an idiot i mean i'm i'm quite cross i obeyed various regulations about care homes and funerals and things and i just feel bloody irritated i should have led you know all the old people in a congo around the town and had a barbecue and got pissed it's uh it just it just makes everyone very cross ian if you're ever tempted to have a barbecue get pissed and do the conga do let me know please i'll bring my own sausages i know there's a lot of people paying for cummings's blood but let's be honest who hasn't decided to test their ice age well you should test yours martin the way you're reading this order shut your face quick run out find yourself a four-year-old put him in the back of the car and go for a test drive before it's too late well he might have been wrongly identified uh an antiques dealer who appears on the bbc's bargain hunt is based in barnard castle and thinks he looks like him oh yes what's dominic cummings trying to do there with that glare is he trying to hypnotize us into thinking we're all chickens or something what's going on look into my eyes i have never been to durham this is a buzz around so do you all have your buzzers to to hand oh i've got a bang something i'll pick a pardon every time sorry theresa may did a conference dancing to dancing queen yes we used to think she wasn't very good as a prime minister we knew nothing what did reviewers compare pierce is singing to in the first film one reviewer said his singing was like a wounded raccoon uh another described it as the sound of a buffalo being punched in the gonads you know that sound when you punch a buffalo in the gonads it's very important that they were tuned beforehand i wish i understood it used to be so nice it used to be so good no wonder she ran away it's extraordinary to see somebody somebody talking out of key someone's tuning us go now it's just out of shot exactly why is dominick cummings boring old blog suddenly become newsworthy again i haven't really been following this story very closely i gather that um various people have looked into his blog and seen that he's back annotated it according to the guardian cummings's post from march 2019 was re-edited at 8 55 on the 14th of april 2020 to include a reference to coronavirus which previously had gone unmentioned so when he said in his um uh speech to the uh journalists that he'd been warning about the coronavirus a year ago it turns out that he hadn't really which you can imagine after the rest of the speech came as a bit of a bolt from the blue my goodness me why would someone like that behave like that so i was particularly shocked at that point and it did strike me but perhaps he should resign

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Length: 52min 50sec (3170 seconds)

Published: Sun Nov 22 2020