The best of Hignfy series 60

now i'd just like to reassure any covert police who are watching that there is a small socially distant studio audience here as well as some more people in the cinema next door who are watching this on a big screen or they say they are they're probably watching tenet and here in the studio we're all shielded from each other by a perspex screen i hope it's not too unsettling for you ian i suppose it's a bit like when you used to buy your bottle of thunderbird from that off licensing campbell i feel like i'm prison visiting actually [Laughter] i think that's students being locked up this is what nine thousand pounds a year looks like this is just this completely unforeseeable event uh october which uh just came along and hit the government out the blue i mean no one had any idea that term started normally in october and that there would be a lot of students all together they hadn't taken any precautions and they were completely amazed what have students at manchester metropolitan university been doing have they been protesting putting messages in their window they have been putting amusing notes in their windows send nudes weed food yes the government says the bbc is out of touch it needs to have someone who's more representative of the britain that exists so we're having an old italian peer charles moore who doesn't watch television and was prosecuted for refusing to pay a license fee it's a choice i think the good news ian is um they're still got to go through the entire application process there's still time for you to apply good that would be good i can think of one sacking what are you looking at me for [Laughter] it's quite an easy job at the moment being chancellor i mean you say would you like an enormous amount of money and everyone says it's not enough you go okay here's some more and then people go that's fantastic as chancellors go he is extraordinarily adept be lovely if you develop out the live the live entertainment industry a little bit more though you know yeah rather than just letting it letting it die a slow death yeah no joke just just yeah it's so common yeah i mean i'm i'm grateful i'm on here you know but like and you've been promised the bed for the night haven't you yeah but yeah as chris is saying live comedy safer than we drive with paul yeah exactly that's what dominic cummings said brexit's still happening of course anyone want to talk about that i sort of felt myself dying halfway through that question donald trump clapping himself and making sort of gestures with his arms and we're going to joe biden who seems to be sort of hearing music that only he can hear and dancing to yeah so it's the debates uh yes this was the first presidential debate uh which was basically too angry old white man shouting at each other about what's wrong with the world donna bash came up with this refreshing angle on the extraordinary debate i'm just gonna say it like it is that was a show uh she could have been describing any moment from the past four years of course um a lot of people have like said that the the real losers of the american people but like not not all of them because a lot of them did vote for him you get the leaders you deserve but um the other be careful of throwing stones in that particular glass so we have a look at some of these highlights because they're pretty yeah yeah they're the highlights jaw droppingly unpresidential moments here absolutely and the thing about trump's taxes should have come up i mean the president united states has paid no tax he's avoided paying tax deliberately for most of his whole career 10 out of the last 15 years and for 2016 2017 he paid 750 dollars he's paid more to a former porn actress than he has paid into the american tax system we all know the president likes to spring a surprise and no one knows that more than serbian president alexander vucic who is here on trump's right he appears to have been tricked into signing something uh he didn't agree to see if you can spot the moment he realizes he's been had serbia is committed to opening a commercial office in jerusalem this month and to move its embassy to jerusalem in july that's fantastic that's a big thing that's a very big statement and we appreciate that very much it's taken to linda's bravery by the president of serbia the president of kosovo who are with me today two highly respected people here's the gramophone of news fingers on buzzers uh here it comes there you go [Music] that's the theme tune and mock the week that's the theme music to have a good news for you yes it's a correct character and uh yes that really wasn't the first question was it have i got an interview celebrates a significant anniversary as a nod to the show being on for 30 years uh shall we have a quick quiz about what was happening in 1990 geez as you've got the prop yeah yeah when was you born katie 89 so i'm gonna apologize now for this round i was 13 so unless it's about super mario and things that make you go blind i've got no chance i want you to tell me who is this and what was their great achievement in 1990 i don't promise you that it will be easy and i don't promise you that it will be quick that is john major he just taken over from margaret thatcher she was prime minister when this show started after she'd been prime minister for what 11 years and uh she couldn't take the pressure of a weekly topical question on bbc2 and john major became the prime minister on the subject of moustaches whose tash is this from 1990 is that peter mandelson is the correct answer have you you've been close enough to see that mistake i tell you the 90s were pretty wild ian means the 1890s i was expecting a sound clip of the of the mustache i thought it was going to be a particularly noisy mustache yeah it's a bit unfair when chris to show him a picture of mustache and say who is this i'm just glad to be here he's glad you're right we should they should have got a replica of the moustache and put it on freddie you could have felt it well you might not have known it was a moustache but let's leave it i'm still there about the answer with peter man by a different room i'm gonna show you a picture all right then of maggie yeah 1990 and all you have to do is tell me what was maggie up to him okay there you go there we are i mean i can't see the picture i'm just guessing but you know i think i'm probably there speaks a crowd liverpudlian yeah charlie louise back to you both oh thank you matty you recastly fan uh not a massive one that was the wrong thing to say he's listening and he's coming up in just a moment i'll ask you again [Applause] [Laughter] ian are you a fan of rick astley uh is it the audience bbc's decision to roll out what comes as a surprise to what bbc's decision to roll out questions about the news in 1990 comes because complete surprise to guests on have i got news for you we were 13 at the time but before we go there's just time for the caption competition what that's the most stupid picture i've ever seen ed works as a caption why is he offering him sausages i had this described to me before we came out of film and i just i just thought i'm really glad i'm not expected to participate he was speaking at a virtual conservative party conference this week i like the idea of a virtual conference though with virtual policies and virtually no one there and virtually no ideas now why are you looking at me i was gonna say this is this you're the only one of us who i'm guessing would be interested in this this year they had to go online and it didn't work tell me what you mean by my work paul in the sense of did the speeches get delivered [Applause] so what's wrong with the name paul nothing's wrong with it i was just remembering that detail isn't this government stronghold but isn't this not perhaps long covered because they say don't they the people who've had it he had it very seriously as we remember do suffer from sort of like you know memory lapses and failure to concentrate inability to grasp details no that was before he had it uh here's an interesting fact according to boris johnson which is the only country in europe to have more fat people than the uk is ironically finland first time we've gotten a round of applause on finland thank you very much yeah you guys are getting it all of you yeah and they applaud great it's a privilege sir oh it's the american health service the mask it comes off doesn't look well there does he no it's a funny colour obviously it's dominated the news and it left editors all over the world trying to find the local angle here's how it was reported in the air advertiser turn three hotelier tests positive for corona bonus and in the glasgow live man who almost bought rangers test positive for covert 19. whilst one film website went for star of home alone 2 has tested positive for profit 19. i just want coronavirus who do you think's going to get it next um in the u.s sort of presidential world oh i see not mrs watkins at number 23. [Laughter] he also released a video from inside the hospital to prove how well he was doing someone on his team used some very efficient editing software to edit out a cough so many things have happened if you look at the therapeutics which i'm taking right now let's can we go closer in let's go closer and you get a really good idea it looks like a like a hiccup but actually it's a cough that they've edited out if you look at the therapeutics which i'm taking right now looks like the bleach is coming back up the president's dr sean connelly announced there was no cause for concern and nothing says no cause for concern like bringing 10 other doctors along it looks like they're about to do a dance routine on on britain's got talent yes a bowling alley with a bizarre medical thing one looks like his borrowed is like dad's doctor's uniform yes ladies and gentlemen welcome biodiversity who was the star of the show at the vice presidential debate it was a fly that landed on mike pence's very sort of well-hair-sprayed hair and it was everyone was so thrilled by what was going on uh that they were more interested in the fly one person labeled the fly an american hero let's have a look at this memorable picture this is a story about people changing their accents depending on what company they keep seems like an absurd idea you really think there's anything in this yes of course there is gov what the what the hell was that that was the worst in stick van dijk in mary poppins thank god for that bbc english is it is it like hello welcome to the bbc that's it yes it's received english rp yes exactly that's it the queen's english yeah is she yeah no i don't know as well as you do but i suspect you've picked her up in your cab many of the time [Applause] mom god blow me away this big in a pelican if you were trying to say answer the phone or something what mine would you do for phone yeah young people do this because the phone is completely different they don't know what this is no one has a landline so you just look mad would that be fair though ian's mind for a phone would be mine for something else where i'm from uh dogs might not be able to tell who their owners are but they can definitely spot when they're being tricked by them though oh one angry dog that's what i was like when i was on a restrictive diet as well news night's emily maitlis expects to make a fortune from her new invention the hover dress [Music] [Laughter] yes this is the news of boris johnson's latest great idea to restrict coronavirus by dividing up the uk into three tiers we weren't going to talk about it but now london's involved it's a proper news story [Laughter] [Applause] we're in tier 2 now aren't we as of midnight yes yes it's like a cake except every layer is made of uh who else saved himself some money this week oh i hope this isn't the dominant coming story yes unfortunately can't you just leave it alone and move on we've all had enough of hearing about dominic cummings behaving badly we don't need any more of this stephen i could take a little bit more okay there's a bin near where i go for a walk i said for dog waste and somebody stuck a photograph of dominic cummings under the front of it no captioning you think it's just it's been up there for weeks when did you do that oh about three days rishi sunak also launched a website to help people retrain um you answer 40 questions i did this you did it and what did it come up with what should you be i answered it honestly all that stuff about you know do you like people disagreeing with you oh yes i'm good anyway it gave me three job options it said i should be a fair ground assistant dream if you want to go faster loft cat in your mouth yeah second was ofsted inspector i'm genuinely not making this up and the third one was gravedigger wow i feel about this form but i didn't find out what it was these are your suggestions yeah leisure center assistant yes bailiff bailiff yeah cake decorator no checkout operator how many jobs have i got here well last two really i think sum up how brilliantly this system works they're asking you could say can either be a checkout operator or a judge i'm just terrified of thought paul as a judge yeah it's one profession that i might have to encounter it mean well i'm not so pleased about you being a grave digger yeah they're sending one of these chicken nuggets up into space to celebrate 50 years of this supermarket here it is hey that looks authentic yeah seems to be transported by the rocket ship adobe photoshop it does appear to have been a imagine a pr stunt uh we don't want to give them any free publicity so let's call them b jam bj yeah right okay uh how did b jam announce the event uh on the iceland website [Laughter] yeah pretty much actually they sent a tweet we don't know who needs to hear this but we sent the first ever chicken nugget into space yeah i don't think anyone needs to hear it we just put it on the show because the rest of the news is so depressing well he's well would you believe although he's been dying his hand white even i'm not very good with makeup but even i know how to do a wee bit of blending [Laughter] it's like he just opened the makeup bag and did like that chicken nuggets i stopped him yeah that actually does look like a chicken nugget hey what was trump thinking about doing last week when he came out of hospital oh he had a great plan which was that he wanted to go out on the balcony instead of ripping his mask off he thought he'd put a superman t-shirt on and rip it open like that and it's one of those new stories where you read it and you go that can't be true and then you think oh yeah no that can be true yeah it's trouble yeah they say that he's behaving like that because he he took all these steroids when he was in hospital they say one of the side effects is is sort of overconfidence and manic behavior but then i mean how do you know there's a guy from the late show i saw a bit of this the other day he was going around talking to trump supporters and one guy said this country he said is better off than it was four years ago i'm better off than i was four years ago and the guy said you're better off you were four years ago i said yeah so what'd you do he says i'm a debt collector so it's a it's a cult a terrible misprint [Laughter] oh i've got cramp in my leg oh oh joy to hit it for you oh christ i mean there's literally nothing any of us can do for you do this with your foot then go round i'm alright everyone don't rush over okay um oh right some water would help so it'll help yes because it's partly dehydration crisps are good providing we're not turning into a pub how did bt sports boxing coverage get itself tangled in a politically correct knot this week you're watching bt's boxing coverage i do little else and yet somehow i've missed this uh well the show wants to acknowledge black history month let's have a look at this surprising piece of television and before we get to talk about our main fight here david i think it is perhaps appropriate tonight that we just pause to mark black history month most of all and we we discussed it today and we thought it was actually right that we acknowledge that properly and there's nobody better placed on our team to do that than steve bunce so over to you for a moment steve thanks for watching wow why might britain's first vegan football team forest green rovers yeah be about to give their stadium an unusual name they've decided to have the decision for naming the new stadium over to a fan vote oh yeah any idea what name they come up with fatimic football that'd been better than this kevin [Laughter] this week a survey of homeowners revealed they think many this week a survey of homeowners revealed they think yeah and tell us it's easy to run at it don't run it you'll get cramped again yeah that was the highlight of this show in 10 years time where were you when steve lange got cramped is it coming back again no i'm just just stroking it oh woman regrets taking engagement photos with her dog after it thinks the ring is a treat and eats it stay stay when she sees that again she won't want to put it on her finger i think the country's sort of fallen in love with andy burnham a bit he's like yeah he's like he's like the new yorkers it's just you no no it is other people as well name them my friend susan your friend my friend susan in fact we think he's a bit like the new hot priest and fleabag yeah one person thank you you know what i was sympathy that was andy burnham boris johnson looks at the north the same way he looks at his own children he feels that there should be a relationship there but it doesn't know exactly what or where or where it is let's characterize that hindsight heavy behavior but excuse me did the honorable lady just call me skunk order order from the front bench we will not have remarks like that not under any circumstances no matter how heartfelt it might be not at all i saw that intervention and i thought does that mean that on the back bench everyone can shout scum um and it's not even heartfelt scum scum scar another mp said paying for meals for kids who can't afford meals doing half term is the equivalent of nationalizing children and being seen to be not in favor of feeding children it's never a good look and it makes you look a bit like scum why is she unhappy this week she's unhappy because people are cross with her because she's got a friend who's a tory yeah a nobel peace prize winner if she makes friends with the tory she should address them as scum scum scum do you want to come and have a drink anyway she's she's a student she's made a friend yeah and therefore everybody has decided they should pile onto her is it mostly twitter is it social media it is oh god what did one young trump supporter do at a rally this week celebrate his 100th birthday oh no he's not orange enough he's not orange enough he needs to be covered in what's it dust [Laughter] what's trump threatened to do if he loses the election he's going to go to live in another country aisha where do you think he's threatening to go not scotland scotland yeah [Applause] he's coming your way no he's coming for you close the borders immediately that great big wobbly golfing arse is coming your way there was a man on a program on sky he's got tattoos all over his face and someone said you've got the words 88 on your face you're a nazi that's a secret code for heil hitler yes you're absolutely right he said it's not a nazi thing it's not nazi at all my father died aged whatever it was in 1988 and then everyone felt really guilty and all the twitter people who'd been saying yeah nazi were going ooh sorry dead father the end of the story was that his father said i'm not dead [Laughter] i didn't die in 1980 and in fact i haven't died at all and at that point i think skye thought maybe it means heil hitler after all an ancient peruvian cat that he appeared this week where on a hill yes oh it's on the nazca lines isn't it completely right it's a fox researchers believe the giant animals were made as messages to the gods the message here being we're not very good at drawing cats according to a new survey let's have a chat is the most dreaded phrase to hear at work along with can anyone else not smell or taste their lunch [Laughter] in the midlands government food technicians are hoping that by introducing it in small amounts they can disguise the taste of chlorinated chicken and in camden's cctv footage reveals the culprit after fecal matter is left on kyostama's desk yeah this is the astounding news that a former leader has been thrown out of the party within nine months of him being labour leader so bbc staff can no longer vent their political frustrations on twitter as according to tim davey this will now be a sackable offense i don't count i'm not an employee i'm freelance now essentially ian's the bloke on this program who locks up at night so he's you know he's got the keys he locked up at night that's it the caretaker the caretaker this is true yeah i always find caretakers quite creepy so that kind of fits doesn't it what was school like do you want to talk about it shall we have a therapist well our caretaker gladly encouraged us to smoke in the loo which was quite funny but we were sponsored i was schooled by british american tobacco was that true yeah it was yeah i haven't just made that up for comedy valley are you in the u.s this is in no this is it middlesbrough yeah god it was all happening in middle school yeah well this was a tory initiative so this was a city technology check this week the labour leader was driving his car when he was involved in a collision with a delivery driver this is a driver or a cyclist a cyclist cyclist yeah the slightest delivery cyclist right yeah the delivery driver was taken to hospital his driver again is he oh yeah i think it matters this program doesn't know the difference between a cyclist and a driver i know so far it's been the highlight of the show but nevertheless thinking he might have killed a driver cyclist most democrats have already voted most republicans haven't voted yet they're going to vote on the day so if there's a huge surge for trump on the day he might say yeah i'd won and then that's all going to kick off and uh trump's family have voted as well he also looks as if he's been stuffed with formaldehydes or something it looks like a waxwork of himself how weird also look how he's holding the envelope isn't that really weird it looks like he's never held anything in his life what like a proper job it's an illuminati signal i'm just bluffing there to be honest i don't i wouldn't recognize an illuminati signal you say that it's not no no it's not my cult what is it i'm not i'm not in a cult i don't have a comment why would i have a call because you look like someone who might be in a cult you look like you might do a bit of care taking in your fair time and i've expected a food yes stephanie's got it in for everyone tonight you're a cult bbc one e and i think we'll have less of that language this isn't channel four you know i do apologize who do you work for now isn't it yeah it is yeah how's that going it's all right no one knows all right thanks our little secret see creepy catechic the man of the moment marcus rashford yeah who has the whole nation covered themselves in glory whilst unfortunately the government has covered themselves in crap so basically you you haven't changed parties have you without telling i just don't believe you should starve kids and i've grown a conscience oh what sort of tory are you i like the the defense by the government which said he's just playing politics which is always the you know the last resort of the politician who's noticed that someone's playing it better than they are and also in light of the fact that meals in their house of commons are subsidized and so all these mps who are standing up and saying how dare we subsidize and feed starving kids and not prepared to kind of follow the same rules and so it's just awful and i just think there's no way in these incredibly difficult times we can just justify this position and the government's wrong on it and the best thing it could do is just stand up and say we got it wrong yeah are they good at that i don't know and you know and then they depict a fight with a guy who's not just running an amazing campaign but scored a hat trick this week i mean they could they're on a loser this guy's on a high and he's going to keep winning and and you know they're just going to have to change their mind that in his constituency a food voucher might end up in a crack den or a brothel but to be honest i don't remember anyone paying me with a food voucher when i worked in a brothel there we are well i mean at that is hang on a minute hang on a minute you can't just move on from there were you the man who used to lock up at night no i just when did you work in a brothel just before i joined the bbc actually right well hopefully after you joined the beach what what did you do what did i do yeah do you want my price list what the hell have i said what does danny dyer think the problem is he thinks that there aren't enough working-class people running the country and the itonians need to get their hands off power on the flip side should there be more parts for posh people in eastenders yeah i'm happy i'm i mean i'm happy to audition yes it doesn't have to be a straight offer i just want to be in the room let's have your audition there now with you could be called west enders uh we're looking for a new pub landlord hello yep hi guys come in um let me tell you about the philosophy of this place have you been here before the specials are on the board do you have any allergies [Laughter] do you need me to explain sharers and sliders all our stuff comes in baskets because we're i want to come you know you have to be able to say get out of my pub though how would you say that ronald could you tell the scary people to get out of there i'm a gym member i think i'm still paying my my gym membership as it happens some might say you need a refund oh well you have a pie with a salad as you would do in a very posh eastenders pub then yes that's a substantial meal which means the pub can stay open i have pie salad and chips garlic sauce and peas uh are you a member of a gym it's 11 inches long that's big isn't it [Laughter] what did you ian me creepy how would you think a tablecloth can help you in lockdown is it a tablecloth that can tell how much you've eaten is this you going on about me being fat again is the tablecloth that listens to your conversation so it knows stuff that you might forget and you might sort of lay on the table and hit the tablecloth or somebody said don't put jonathan and carol next to each other they do not get on it probably measure into how many plates there what's the weight of the plates how much food is on the plates how many people are sitting at the table all that sort of stuff things you couldn't possibly do if you were laying the table well i wonder how many plates i've put down better wait for the cloth to tell me [Laughter] this i bought out water for everyone i've no idea you know if you asked me to have two words to describe in camp sarcasm would not be the two no it suggests recipes so if you put things on it so if you put on i don't know rice and whatever else it'll tell you what when you get your shopping you put your bag on the table when you come back from the supermarket the tablecloth says what the have you bought that for why is it a sweary tablecloth okay it could be completely sarcastic yeah oh where'd you get those eggs at local farm shop i think i'd prefer that what are we going to have smart bed sheet you lie down it says go to sleep in case you didn't know what you were meant to do your next your next client is ready according to the boffins behind the tablecloth other gadgets could include an electric toothbrush which could arrange dental appointments you've got toothache oh have i had no idea thank goodness you told me i wondered what it was thank you toothbrush you're welcome the recording process can test the patience of the other members of the family [Music] it's uh very frustrating it's just constant for a four-hour period you know they're doing they're making people smile so at the end of the day you've got to leave into it five hours into a train journey two passengers with pre-booked seats are still pretending not to have noticed each other oh now what's his name um oh and that's he's the other one this is the news that the old white guy won that that does cover us either way yep okay on the night trump declared the team fund way before any any of the the boats were in he kept saying things like they're finding votes everywhere but he made it out like they weren't finding them they weren't yeah to be like they were they're on the back of the sofa oh another vote all right we got a key race alert right now too early to call in these states including in ohio too early to call in ohio 18 electoral votes in ohio too early to call too early to call in north carolina as well 15 electoral votes in north carolina too early to call west virginia five electoral votes too early to call in west virginia it was too early for them to broadcast that show too early for when i stayed up it was too early to call for hours and hours and then i fell asleep when i woke up it was too close to court i thought i missed all the good bits you've missed the call before i ask you a next question let me just put up a tweet that margaret thatcher has just uh put out because uh theresa may sorry uh gosh that's a spooky thought isn't it she's tweeting from beyond the grave yeah so they have social media in um margaret thatcher is could be purgatory could be purgatory no that was when she was here okay um is the answer we were known in loch doan again yes lock down two but weather spoons as ever are leading the way are they giving the booze away because they don't want to waste it 99p a pint ian where the spoons are there um where do you think i've been the last two days exactly when you say i haven't slept watching the news i've seen you on that sticky carpet rolling around we're allowed it's not as severe as the first one we're allowed out on the streets and stuff yeah your favorite streets yes get your rear out that's where i get the news man deprive me of the street it's like tj hooker how i can't i can't be behind a desk i need to be out in the field the first lots out of us been so hard for you tj hooker that's right that's a ref's unbringing call i've been locked down since 1987 of my own volition i've just come out and moved to the wrestling ring romano's had a terrible time magnum p.i that's right wait till my next five jokes about heather [Laughter] tj hooker correct no unbelievable but there's a lot yes very beautiful have a look clear yeah dynasty look here she does the ties what's nigella lawson had to apologize for she licked her fingers on television that's what she did well she was making a marzipan cake on saturday kitchen if her fingers were two meters away from her face yeah that's a really long tongue a very long time very long yeah yeah retract very fast there's another concept it goes out and back before there's any spread yeah um that's why no one wants to be a cameraman on those shows it's his tongue in the eye all day some people have volunteered to do it yeah that's the other thing oh she was on saturday kitchen she was on saturday she had to apologize for looking her fingers in her own house on her own that's what i thought that would be very freeing by the way i'm going to turn myself in [Laughter] track and trace as well everyone does it's test testing trace test and trace tracking traces and posters you literally are it why am i saying no we all say it well it's on the other queue that's why okay i have no idea everything even this is on the auto qr man this ill thought house i know goth that's now without any idea what to say and now paul says they've misspelled guff look gh there's only four f's i know [Music] [Laughter] that's what it's like it's like that all the time i've been to guernsey and none of that imagine if you're like a guernsey estate agent like what are they doing this shiz is reeling guernsey where is guernsey then it's where you stop when you haven't got enough petrol to get to france well it's a war zone that's where it is yeah cj hooker would be right at home there would be this oh that's his bread and butter that's a feature length for tj they're not going to cram that into 45 minutes they're going to allow that episode to breathe this is cliff richard is he presenting a nude version of and sweet no is he thank you for you ever that was it laughed there i heard a laugh come out of the emptiness as somebody realized that somebody doing that could be a nude city in the swing i'm gonna put that on my show reel [Laughter] next to the next to the guernsey police video yeah exactly sweet would definitely be bad cop yeah yeah definitely definitely so to soften the laugh and then um sue would be the boss she would summon them both in yes yeah yeah say you've got you've got 24 hours yeah yeah bugsy sue yes she'd be always a slightly angry irritated one yeah yeah with a complicated personal life yeah yeah still so my job's on the line here guys there are tomatoes all over the floor what's that you said you fabricated the evidence this is the news that cliff richard has stopped swearing what do you not hear this news i love cliff richard swearing yeah he's cleaned up his act time and none of that filth anymore he's not going to start swearing exactly that's all we know him for exactly if he's not going to drop the c-bomb i'm not going what he does is instead of saying them out loud sometimes i think swear words um another devastating so so the story is that he that there's something that he's please don't put too much pressure don't put it won't take it armando it will not take the pressure you're giving it something hasn't happened that's the stop please and we don't know why and richard has no idea right don't lean on this i don't think he likes the word story that's too strong on this one his cards are blank on that okay some stuff happened involving some person you may have heard of this whole show's going down and i'm just telling you about it and if you don't think that's a tv show if you want news and things have happened and satire you're in the wrong place speculating about what may or may not be going on in cliff richard's silent head and may i say richard that on the bbc speculating about what's going on in cliff richard's head is not a good move people have got in trouble for that that is there's more cliff richard news we can't take anymore news we've not met with this general down here in a minute just get on please just let me get through this cliff richard section it's too bad there's not enough bringing out a swearing we're not talking enough about cliff okay at this moment yeah what else didn't he do this week he has a question about what he didn't do yeah amanda what did he reveal he will no longer be doing in his calendars that's right we're asking questions about what cliff will not be doing it's a very wide topic can you think of stuff i can't think of anything that he wouldn't be doing yeah did he this week invade iraq for example no i think if the rest of us don't attempt to answer the question this bit will be over quicker cliff's about to reveal his 40-second calendar but he will no longer be posing topless oh yes i see both teams that both got two points still yeah it's been a good night it's going well yes i think we should just at the end of the show just say there's no result you'll have to watch next week we're still counting it just says it's just broadcasting me swear word from cliff richard's brain directly it's just thanking them and they just come up on this display this is humble servant of the people just waving away the elite that's the final exit well one doesn't want to gloat i don't think that would be appropriate dominic cummings has been sacked and has lost his job and he's lost his job and he's been saved as well i mean two can you imagine both happening at once where did that brown box come from you're talking about dominic cummings leaving with a cardboard box yes is it like when you leave prison and you give them the clothes that you first arrived in in the box and take them away again yeah i was just a vision of dominic cummings going to prison there which he isn't yeah apparently the culture around him had got so toxic his favorite gesture when he left the room was to pull the plug on an imaginary grenade throw it behind it which is funny because whenever he entered a room everyone used to go [Laughter] this idea that boris johnson is doing what his girlfriend tells him i mean this is a man who glided into downing street with this much younger woman that he hasn't married while the woman he was married to behind whose back he impregnated another woman was having cancer treatment this is not a man who's pushed around by women he's not andy capp well he is to a certain extent because you obviously only have to put your way yourself in his way and he's yours he falls for any passing bit of skirt as a phrase and one does wonder just looking at the physique what is so completely compelling about it um i think he must have a very good chat up line don't you think well i'm the prime minister have you got a comb i'm not the only major politician in recent times to have uh campaigned for the job that he doesn't want to do yeah i mean trump at the moment in america is desperately trying to cling on to the jobs he doesn't that he's not doing but why why do they do that well in trump's case he doesn't want to go to prison he said in boris's case he doesn't want to go home yes and a source told the times that left to his own devices boris will wander off from decisions and read pliny or pericles or eat or shag when was the last time boris read pliny or pericles 40 years ago i think but you're not questioning the eating or the shaggy no well there's visual evidence of both yes it's like my relationship with corbin is like bob dylan in uh i only hate him so much because of his fans people think bob didn't is a great condition to ever live can you go okay you listen [Music] yeah well you listen to something it's awful uh you know poet everybody's got a sinus infection clearly i mean it's not it's not nice to listen to it but then people are so dogmatic and say he's the greatest musician he won the nobel prize for literature yeah literature not singing well that's the end of your career yeah oh oh my week on twitter next week is going to be lovely all i was going to say is i just think you you have to say hats off to the labour party the week that the tory party is in full civil war mode pulling itself apart you let corbin back into the labour party brilliant focus off tori's let off hook again oh hooray hooray we've won the vaccine race well if anybody can it up what was fishy about the announcement from pfizer well it wasn't fishy it was just it came after the american election had been decided what did donald trump say about that well he said it was fishy because it was after the american election hadn't been decided that's his logic isn't it yes um he said if this vaccine had been developed a few weeks earlier i would have won the election which i did yes the problem with this story is just such fantastic news no one really knows how to react so you watch the papers and broadcasters and they're going well the world's been saved after all we thought we'd be uh with this virus forever and life would be thoroughly miserable but it's uh it's quite a low temperature in the fridge though uh really why is boris johnson in isolation he's got an app that tells him whenever he's been near one of his children this is uh joe biden who is waiting to become the president in january and trump is in the position where he can't lie cheat steal bribe or bully his way out of a losing situation and apparently this is driving him mad and he's locked himself away he's not come out of the white house he sits there every day just watching television fuming sacking people he doesn't care about other people and he doesn't care about as i was saying earlier in the bit that was edited out definitely fighting to keep the job that he doesn't want to do and who is he fired this week he's fired this man krebs who's in charge of counting the votes it's extraordinary isn't it he's head of cyber security he sends him out with the authority to check on all these claims these legal situations and come back with the answer and krebs comes back and says no there was no fault there was no corruption so he sacks him yeah this would embarrass the you know the average banana republic but it would embarrass the average banana republic on the end of that sentence the crown obviously is back and there's uproar because it is not accurate it's more that the dates and the shifting around the vents and the um the suggestion that mrs thatch and the queen wept together over um the danger of their boys when these events were hugely separated in time and extremely unlikely spoiler alert i've only just started season four no spoiler alert it happened in the 1980s yeah i wasn't born in 1990 next thing you're going to tell me that charleston down didn't even work out no i'll give you a sneak preview you it's the she goes and see the queen misses that should the queen gave her hell would you like to sit there and she goes yes i would there before what did this is honestly how how many years have you been able to do that you know what prince charles said yeah that was it hey i tell you he's had a good year prince andrew he's the only person for whom 2020 has gone to plan yeah because we've all forgotten that he said he wasn't a pedo because he's been to pizza express when they get to the prince andrew story the crown's rather dubious uh historical facts will probably claim that uh he's a pizza who was a pedo express before we go there's just time for the caption competition uh is she saying how much longer you're going to keep that invisible budgie on your finger and as the waiting drags on to the point of awkwardness it looks like emmanuel macron's pet kestrel is not coming back he's done my budgie jones don the buzzy joke you've heard the writers have seen oh that's a good joke right quick find somebody with his hands sticking out macro and macron bud you can't do bad you can't do kestrel yeah into the k funny k put it in give it to you then you cut out my joke good night good night yeah oh good night i like how the british government think that the virus will take time off like we will like you know for christmas yeah because you know the virus won't spend time with your family too [Laughter] yeah couldn't we have christmas just delayed couldn't we have it at easter yeah why not yeah i mean it might confuse some of the religious messaging going on might give the impression that jesus was crucified at the age of three days old has there been some good news this week can anyone think of any yeah we've got another vaccine yeah yeah i said last week no one knows how to deal with good news people are funny aren't they they just think this is going to go on forever and there's no way out of it and then you say we've got three vaccines and they go home three but that'll be confusing i mean it's just like he would join a hundred years ward he said is this never going to end and we'll be next time we do this series in the spring we'll have real people sitting in the audience instead of people sitting at home underneath the bed closed getting up to all sorts of things looking up at the screen here and there i didn't know there was much gin and tonic in the country his name is alex born he was a former neighbour of matt hancock and he's been supplying the government with tens of millions of vials for nhs kobit 19 tests he runs a pub does he the in i don't know why i said it like that yes when matt hancock's there people say he's the cocky how has the belgian town of udenberg caused a bit of a christmas kerfuffle the mayor anthony dummery commissioned some christmas lights to perk up the town and he got these the blue color the top's a bit of a worry isn't it they should get those at the in what's that rage what's that uh that would be a monolith that was discovered recently in utah the uh bikini has traveled through the galaxy it's a monologue delivered by somebody with a lisp well a monolith is a monologue delivered by somebody with a lisp well no one knows where it's from ian what's this the monolith yeah that sounds like a monologue delivered by somebody with a lisp [Laughter] uh well if you look really closely you can just make out to ed miliband's at six elections a statue of you joe do you know what i wish it was a statue of me because i think it looks much more attractive than me no ian i'm not saying that in a self-deprecating way but i think it's rather beautiful that yeah no i agree yeah it's as sexy as you joe don't you worry about it your sex is a piece of upright metal and utah oh where are we now more lala blushing joe what are you blushing no i'm not i've got high blood pressure no one really knows our news reader's a bit short on facts as we can see here let's have a look the structure not only appears to be solid and heavy but is more than two times the height of this man [Laughter] this just did [Laughter] and so to round two the teddy picker of news let's see fingers on buzzers team here's the first one until now i didn't realize we didn't have a graphics department the cricket tea is going to be scrapped the cricket tea cricket tea um it's in the in the middle of the game you have tea it's a measure of the sports athleticism that about halfway through you stop you eat cake preferably sandwiches which are very very important something to understand um you're gonna have to eat before or after the game rather than during the game yes i mean it is an appalling limitation on personal freedom why is uh sussex league club horsted keane's horsemen t20 team devastated by the rule change they specialize in making tea rather than playing qriket well a spokesperson for the club told the times we're very disappointed we've been working on a new pavlova would you like to see a dog watching a darts match um every day of my life yeah his mind's probably on that missed opportunity to take the leg and the sets which would have made it 3-3 that went it's like the dog it's like the dog that stays in the room is looking at the owner saying see how stupid he is look at him look at him see you okay all right but you love him too don't you angry man in lancashire sends local council photo of his son what uh it was there was a massive pothole and the dad kept complaining to the council the council kept ignoring him to put his son in the pothole and take a picture to prove his point absolutely uh correct there he is and we presume that he hasn't dismembered his son just to put him in a freezer and in portsmouth as a salon prepares to reopen it occurs that no one checked on donna in the turning machine before they closed three weeks ago merry christmas everyone santa's coming and he's bringing needles that's him retraining new job this is more good news it is the fisa vaccine's being rolled out i think the people who are going to be saved first are boris hancock and the rest of the cabinet and i think they're hoping the vaccine will make us forget the rest of the year and we'll just think they're amazing that's after us flowers placed in tier three restrictions whereas the whole of the rest of the surrounding area was in day two have a look at this wow slow invented the zebra crossing oh okay the wheelie bin and the planet uranus there we are it was uh discovered it invented that it invented uranus that was a busy weekend yeah uh william william herschel the uh astrologer yes had his super telescope there and spotted you he wasn't an astrologer surely did i say astrologer yes wouldn't that be hilarious no that would be very funny if he'd said oh you're gonna have quite a bad week and meet someone who you might grow to love uranus is ascending what have they launched in japan this week to make kovid more fun a board game no oh is it a mutation of the virus public health england have advised that at-risk people should not sing or play board games well that's good advice for alexander yeah well yeah thanks thanks for nothing public health england thank you we've got to redefine singing first oh just because we're through lots of layers of perspex doesn't mean that doesn't hurt who'd like to see a squirrel drunk on fermented pears yeah we are imagine if the first time you got drunk you had no idea what had caused it yeah and you saw that in your garden what was trump mocked for this week was it his teeny tiny tasty teeny tiny tiny table you've been to like a parent's evening at a primary school where you go and sit down with a teacher and you try and have a really serious conversation you're just sat in these teeny tiny little chairs a teeny tiny little table let's have a look at his teeny tiny table i think what's happened is that he's acted like a child for so long that his team are finally like right we're gonna start treating you like one and first we're putting you on that fisher-price table uh what did melania do at the white house this week carve another number into the wall also this week joe biden slipped and suffered a hairline fracture in his foot while playing with his dog biden is currently wearing a protective boot but the good news is that in a few weeks the boot will be removed so that biden can fit in his coffin it's not that old sir philip green i believe he is who used to be uh in charge of british home stores and various other companies who have now gone bankrupt so it's another nail in the coffin uh not referencing joe biden's coffin in any way because that would probably be cut we keep talking about it but what's amazing is just how old ebenezers is i don't know was opened in london james cook landed on hawaii that's how i think he just missed their sale on blankets later in smallpox um and in that very same year joe biden entered congress [Laughter] because he's quite old you know is that because he's so old yes because he's so old oh i believe like that he's going to die i hope not well if he does i'm sure they'll make adequate funeral arrangements don't you think okay did you forget what his nickname was on set no filming star wars they used to call him darth farmer well he did he had a bristol accent very thick west country accent yeah so he was like i am your father you know it wouldn't work but he spoke all the lines on the film spoke all i made luke i am your farmer i am your farmer thank you you mean thank you nobody responded at all there's more there was more life in joe biden's foot in them four months time [Laughter] it's just desperate i think he used to do an advert for um some kind of washing power and a washing machine in the 60s where he would try to ring the the washing dry like a man squeezing a joke the whole evening if you're attempting to keep me quiet on the subject you've just made a horrendous error the village in austria that you mentioned paul yes uh decided to change its name because people kept stealing the sign because town was called why were locals annoyed at tourists coming to the town they keep taking their signs yeah yeah we've had enough of visitors and they're bad jokes said one local [Music] that's nice look you can hear our audience we've got another audience apart from this one here in a cinema over there are they allowed to drink yes they are they've just got vision [Music] what so the cinema was looking at a blank screen couldn't have shown him dirty harry or something with our voices over it oh the drunk squirrel of course we'll see let's have a look at the squirrel after too much fermented pear there's here it comes squirrel that's the best this show's ever gone well this is an unusual experience because i've got an audience sitting in front of me thinking i wish that a lot of shut up i've got another audience some 500 feet away pissed out of his head [Applause] laughing at its own jokes much louder than they did at any of else did you miss any of the joe biden stuff cause i'm quite happy [Laughter] 2020 national dog show takes place under covet restrictions but dogs in audience what struggle to connect on zoom i didn't watch the video of the drunk squirrel until three quarters into the show [Laughter] i don't know where you are but i'm out here for you i couldn't believe my luck when i found not one but two large what coffins specially designed to accommodate a man wearing a boot to protect his injured foot in florida there's a nightmare for one salon owner after he accidentally leaves the door open during president trump's latest backsack and crack yeah that's how scary it is in the history of the world has there been any process that has been sort of so kind of self-sabotaged and useless you've got to fly on wet one you've got a fly here have i oh my god i'm mike pence sorry every every now and again we get a pro brexit flight yeah i think where was i i was uh i was establishing a no-fly zone wow yes quality marks on that joke there no after 30 years ian has justified his appearance in the program well then you can follow suit yeah well this is the alarming spike in news reports about brexit which has left most of the country struggling to stay engaged he is the spirit animal of the present sort of situation brexit-wise um well if it was [Music] okay i love that boris whole thing is that he doesn't want to be bossed around by the eu a whole protracted monologue where he gets completely told yeah but i think that's been unfairly edited it made him look like a buffoon out of his death is anyone surprised that these brexit negotiations have reached such crisis point not really we have been doing it for ages haven't we grayson and fly it's um is it back it's back really interesting where is it there are three of us in this partnership oh it's here look other side oh i'm really sorry did you use honey in your wings what's happened i want to know is he is he an equity this is the return of brexit the topic which back last january had everyone moaning i wish something else would dominate the news their dogs are being encouraged to vaccinate people [Laughter] he he's been vaccinated by a dog and he's very happy about it i had my hair cut today because i vowed not to have my hair cut until the first person got the vaccine in in this country and so i hadn't been cut for about 10 months oh i wondered why i thought it was because you looked a bit like steve bannon no it was also it was also because i could ian oh wow second person to get it was william shakespeare yes absolutely yeah talk about going for the old people first yeah out of nowhere i've just had a brilliant business idea whoopee graves like a whoopee cushion right and when the coffin goes down in the grave it makes a loud farting noise no okay forget it i've got two enthusiastic that would be the appropriate reaction to a rookie grade though good good idea wrong place we we sort of needed the second person to get the vaccine to be called william shakespeare because we needed puns didn't we we needed the conspiracy theorists to be able to say much a flow about nothing flu gentleman of varene it seems no fly zone was quite some time ago blue gentleman of verona a fart grave whoopee cushion that's my idea that's my idea this is the news that oxford university press has finally agreed to actually change its definition of women from essex so that's famous essex girl gemma collins there do we know what she thinks of the dictionary i'm a massive fan of the dictionary you know we should be like promoting the dictionary anyway because like it is such an amazing like historical british thing isn't it you can see samuel johnson just turning in his grave with pleasure well you know you know what's got a smile on his face particularly if possible was there to describe it yeah it's an ipa but it might make you want to say ale to the chief brett the bad joke well delivered do we agree with that many people have made fabulous careers in comedy in the same way yeah i wouldn't why are you looking over here anybody i don't care about comedy anymore i've got a red hot business scheme and i'm not saying anything more about it i'm agreeing with both halves of that statement what expensive christmas mistake did hartlepool resident ray liddell make this week he ordered this inflatable grinch online but he didn't realise it was actually this big because of covid several companies have launched santa on zoom initiatives including one in finland which cost 71 pounds for five minutes wow of which the first four minutes are spent with the desperate child shouting santa you're on mew bottom left bottom left and in london after 10 months paul merton gets his haircut good night

Channel: str1tsa

Views: 77,806

Keywords: hignfy

Id: ceWFB8no-PU

Length: 70min 39sec (4239 seconds)

Published: Sun Jan 17 2021

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