HIGNFY S04E03

[Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] good evening and tonight an orgy of fun frolic and gay abandon but first we have to get the program out of the way in the news this week in baghdad iraqi protesters show their displeasure at the latest un sanctions by ruthlessly hitting themselves over the head with a brown towel after a series of sex scandals bedevils his campaign bill clinton visits local factories to try and put the subject out of his mind and finally to cheer up the queen on her return from germany buckingham palace lay on a display by the queen's own slightly barking trumpeters [Music] on ian hislop's team this week star of beyond the fringe and not only but also former partner of dudley moore and leading light of the 60s satire boom danny baker unfortunately we were hoping to have peter cook this week but he dropped out and we didn't have time to change the introduction still i'm sure danny won't mind and if he does it's too late uh our other guest this week is a presenter of a number of fashion programs and so used to being next to elegant people in fabulous clothes which is why we've put her on paul merton's team annabelle giles so it's round one the last words lennox lewis will hear on saturday night controversial two pieces of news film each to kick off just explain everything about them is all we ask ian and danny spot the connection stupid looking puppet and [ __ ] there is a school of thought to suggest that the um old boy's gone putty i don't know where this came from i think he's absolutely office trolley isn't he though of course that's not necessarily a bad thing the previous prime minister was completely bonkers for about 11 years how these things happen isn't it angus yes it is uh john major who according to some sections of the press has gone bonkers the times claimed that mr major wobbled alarmingly on september the 16th well lynford christie wobbles alarmingly every time he sets sits with him and he's got a gold medal so the prime minister's sister pat defended her brother saying if people expected a miracle they should have elected god how could they she's in the house of lords now according to psychologists one of the signs of major being slightly disturbed is that he's continually adjusting the front of his trousers well in that case david meller must be absolutely gaga uh paul and annabelle pop mega star or odious little brat [Music] is this um cleveland the musical didn't know there was one but uh no it isn't it's a little boy's name a french boy called jordy who's not related to linda's foreigners in any way is from the market you have to explain who sinead is to ian cow who can't sing a note another pop so not much nothing compares to you surely [Music] and you and you're criticizing him you'd make a lot of money if you could find a cow that could sing in tune [Music] yes don't spend too long hunting for one will you it's uh it's uh it's geordi lemon who's become a pop star at the age of four and who's already been romantically linked to cher [Laughter] jordy has had a number one hit in france with georgia detroit bay bay oh it's hard to be a baby where's it all going to end it's tough being a fetus by no means simple being an unfertilized egg geordi is now staying in the hilton hotel where he drank the mini bar dry of milk threw his cot out of the window and had a string of northern nannies in his room asked what he wanted from life he said harley-davidson that'll look impressive with stabilizers uh ian and danny an englishman abroad for you in an effort to make the london underground work properly they brought over the original employers from the burma railway by the look of it it's a harsh regime but it gets them running on time no pattern having lost bath to the liberal democrats uh is trying not to lose hong kong to the communists it is uh chris patton proving to be almost as popular with the chinese as he was with the electorate of bath patton's opposite number in peking is liu ping at 83 the child prodigy of the chinese government lupine alleges that the british government have broken their word that's unheard of but mr patton claims that he knows nothing no that's far more plausible looping described patton as uh cho chieng hong you destroy which means a running dog who was stolen in the sky and buku singh ring dibayako which means untrustworthy jackal who was put up a counterfeit son and also bhatsour jing sheng shu jishui which means fat bastard who blew it as an mp and uh finally in this video are we are we sponsored by lingarphone or something last week we had angus does german this week it's angus shows a very rudimentary grasp of cantonese we've got some french coming up as well look forward to that can i just say couldn't he fat choi which means happy new year no yeah since maxwell died it's so very happy new year for some of us yes and finally in this round paul and annabelle uh what silly story is this um is that a clue that it's silly because that's a car isn't it that's a car being towed i have absolutely no idea at all no silly story was a clue is it the silly isles ah is it the silly isles yes as it was yours yeah um and what about them well the silly art so what about those in particular the city isles car industry has ground to a hall yeah it's uh it's pathetic to see a man grapple so isn't it um i'll give you one for getting uh silly isles but why it's because seems to be the way the scores conducted on this program just because you lost last weekend it's uh it's the news that mot tests are being introduced to the silly isles for the first time ever police estimate that three-quarters of the cars are unroadworthy some of the cars there are so decrepit that they use ice cream cartons for number plates which explains why several hundred parking tickets a wheat are sent to mr whippy scores of unwanted and useless cars have been dumped into the sea apparently skoda at one stage were even planning to cut out the middlemen and deliver their new model straight to the cliff edge all of which confusion brings us the end of this initial round at which point i have to tell you that paul and annabelle have an almost pointless three and ian and danny have an astronomical four round two lurks menacingly in the wings but before we succumb let's spill the seeds of our caption competition one still per team ian and danny this is yours paul and annabelle that's for you so let's put all that behind us as we brace ourselves for the onset of round two one sensational tabloid headline per person paul and fear over nuclear deer um princess aaron has said that um she's got this fear that uh deer might become nuclear i know the rate is worth ten points [Laughter] the radiation she's worried about sort of excessive radiation on deer and she's afraid that antelopes will mutate into giant jars of oil of you lay if we were rewarding points for surrealism then then i'd give you a fish says these deer must be moved away from nuclear power stations yeah they must be right they must be moved away from nuclear power stations because it's not healthy for the deer they pick it up in their ankles pick up channel and if you look in their eyes you can see jonathan ross if you're in mcdonald's yeah i'll tell you it's the news that a number of scottish red deer on the balmoral estate were found with traces of radiation way above safety levels would have been all right but the previous day they've been sheep according to the red deer commission based 60 miles from balmoral so they obviously know something the royals don't radioactive venison could have lasting effects on the people who eat it i wonder if that extends to ear size uh annabelle what's uh this apology for a question uh sorry the end of the world isn't nigh oh yes and this is this like they're in seoul weren't they and they're religious fanatical mad people and they decided to all pile into the church and wait for the end of the world to come and then sort of one minute past midnight it hadn't happened and by about ten past they thought we really better go home and they're probably a bit upset because by then i bet they've given everything away haven't they to non-believers so probably no homes to go to so they're very upset and that's what that is yes that's a full answer and probably three points it is it's not that full i'm afraid originally it was going to be 12 midday until the leader of the sec pointed out that henry kelly's goal for goal was on at once so we have something to thank him for anyway uh yes it is it's all about lee zhang lim a leader of the christian church in korea who announced that he and his followers would ascend to heaven last wednesday when the end of the world would begin uh it would start with a seven year period unparalleled in trouble and horror economies will collapse money will be worthless people will be forced to use a special currency and the antichrist will be the leader of the european community who is of course john major a bizarrely australian scientist concede he may be right as they say a six mile wide ice cube is heading for the earth oliver reeve has already started working on a seven mile wide gym atomic the ice cube is actually due to arrive on august 14 21 16. a croydon woman who's just fallen down the stairs is particularly worried because she's been promised an ambulance that day uh danny a cunningly veiled pun for you hedgehogs on hedge of breakdown um hedgehogs are worried about you know lots of things they've been run over mostly bloody fed up with all those prick jokes aren't they yes it's uh it's the tragic news so that these strains of modern life are leading hedgehogs to suffer anxiety attacks heart conditions and hyperactive trauma esther ransom is believed to be setting up a hog line for disgusting speeches maybe that should be jordi lemuan's next single it's murder being a hedgehog hedgehog uh that was a bit of french i thought you were enjoying it you mean you don't know the french for hedgehog um hog to hedge good just checking and lastly ian who is the man who broke the bank of england um norman lemond next question yes it's correct but not the answer i've got written down here there's a man i think he's an american some millionaire he bet on the fact that the erm would collapse about a year ago and made something like a billion zillion pounds of taxpayers money so he's got all our money so i hope you're going to give his address in your answer unfortunately i don't have it otherwise i would do gladly it's uh yes it is financial whiz kid george soros his name who's uh admitted he made a billion pounds on black wednesday all at the taxpayer's expense that means we paid him about 50 pounds each soros said i must must have been the biggest single factor in the market i'm not sure fact is quite the word i reviewed his uh his strategy to ruin the pound relied on finding some idiot prepared to buy 10 billion dollars worth of sterling all at once enter norman lamont and if only someone would preferably with a red hot poker and so at the end of all that all this well paul and annabelle are grabbing around with five and uh ian and danny are shooting forth with eight well it's time now to cast off the cloak of here and now and skinny dip in the pool of memories but before that our archive round one piece of modern history each for you to tell us what happened after ian and danny who are these gentlemen and who are they visiting oh piss off you don't get up for now that's a bob and paula's refreshing breakfast tv approach isn't it well i mean that's actually pandora maxwell saying piss off we don't get up for an hour showing that she's inherited her father-in-law's charm that was the serious fraud office sorry to be serious and pandora maxwell thought they were journalists is there a frivolous fraud office you know where they they come around a half six in the morning but they haven't got any trousers they come around and say you fiddled your expenses paul very trivial i'm sorry to drag you back to the question it seems so relevant but um um let's uh let's take a peek it's pandora maxwell must be slightly strange being named after a box uh anyway it's her in uh in june of this year some seven months after the fall paul and annabelle a man of genuine wealth for you on the occasion of his birthday i enjoyed the matches it was a very tough game um i think that was hardest games i've played and only because of the games i've had in a very short time well hopefully what happened i just said something i could understand i don't know what was he saying there were subtitles on sea facts presumably i mean that cake goes into somebody's face oh he shuts down the nominated face does he cry could i nominate a face yes i'd like to nominate president de gaulle well okay so you're saying that he's sorry is this cake in president nicole's face president de gaulle yes it's uh it's gaza at italian 90 on his 23rd birthday even if it looked like his 13th exhibiting the deft sense of comedy for which he is internationally renowned other comedy classics in his repertoire include lowering his shorts to expose his anus sticking his tongue out during national anthems that's always entertaining and of course defecating in colleagues tooth mugs and at the end of that archival round as always it falls to me to inform you that paul and annabelle continue to wilt with six and ian and danny blossoming into an attractive 10. and so we stand proud ready to penetrate round four our quarterly four disparate entities which one's face doesn't fit paul an easy question for you this week it's good the answer the answer that's rather tricky um mr keith oates of chester uh mrs shawar siddiki of east yule mr robert black of glasgow and mr gwyn jones of aberystwyth [Laughter] that's awfully unfair if you take all the letters out of their name does it form the underground my name's angus deaton and i'm crap [Applause] no no no unfortunately what hey what who are these why am i getting these impossible questions uh because it's just such fun to see your reaction now you're such a good sport paul yes i uh i do so enjoy this part of the show um but the answer is that um three of them are governors of the bbc those high-profile personalities in case you were wondering where you've seen them before gwen jones went to school in north wales and works for tescos keith oates has worked for black decker and enjoys playing tennis and shahwassadiki taught physics at the sutton secondary school and is a memory member as you'll know of the waltham forest housing action trust all of which of course explains why they now arbitrate over what we watch on our televisions rather surprised you didn't get that much before i've been a fool the other one which i'm surprised you can get was mr robert black of uh glasgow who is um my uncle so um so annabelle um four sex symbols for you cyril smith madonna tim curry where is it and captain kirk yes that's tim carrey behind all that lot looks like chef so well all apart from cyril smith have probably worn tights in their time haven't they or lycra certainly there's a spandex effect on their legs i reckon there probably isn't a pair of tights to fit cyril smith so probably sarah smith is the odd one out for being much too fat to have a pair of lycra tights right have you got the new madonna book yet um i've seen bits of it it's actually quite heavy you know especially if you're holding it in one hand your uncle lent me a copy uh yes the answer is that they're all famous for wearing corsets in fact apart from cyril smith who's probably the only one who actually needs one in the 70s tim curry wore a corset black stocking suspenders and lipstick in his role as frank and ferta or franken buffer as you'd probably be called nowadays and uh captain kirk you accused me of being obsessed with maxwell what did frank both do to you i want to know where captain kirk wears a corset dude i'll tell you captain kirk a warning by the klingons i was going to avoid all that but you did it i thought that would be kind of a dollar connection because he could then say to go where most men have been before yeah i'll tell you about captain kirk he wore an incredibly tight corset which is presumably why every program started with captain's log danny um a uh a not so lucky dip for you uh princess margaret richard branson carla lane and eaton's school well both eaton and princess margaret have something to do with [ __ ] don't they they um they're talking about cigarettes no no homosexuals has everybody in college and princess margaret and carla late and richard branson all had that woman on the left at the top there yes and princess margaret was just saying i bet that was good wasn't it i'm very fairly that woman i'm very relieved to say no it isn't it's uh it's princess margaret as all the others own islands whereas she just likes to spend a lot of time on other people's eaton school owns an island in the thames an ideal place to banish naughty third formers who refuse to sleep with their house masters richard branson owns the caribbean island of necca an ideal place to avoid publicity and overexposure which is why he never goes there and sitcom writer carla lane owns the island of saint todd walls off the coast of wales from what's betting her ex-husband now married to her mother-in-law's bank manager moves into the island next door with hilarious consequences and finally ian four saintly figures for you uh cliff richard the bishop of galway samantha fox and the lovely stephen fry i used to go out with a bishop at galway yes that's not the answer though paul sure as it may be he wasn't as black and white in that in those days i think this is that's me behind him [Laughter] he's just said to me at the corner lose yourself as a photographer in the room um it's not the right answer unfortunately [Music] it's an interesting answer they're more interesting than the one i've got and probably more than the one i've got because i haven't got one bloody interesting yeah no is it a celibacy question it is i thought it would be because that's what's famous about certain of those people apart from contributing to the um export trade of colombia um sam fox says she doesn't have sex anymore because no one can get near her obviously yes stephen fry's celibate he doesn't do anything and the bishop of galway is meant to be celibate but he um he's not yes it is it's the bishop of galway as all the others are avowed celibates stephen fry admits to being half gay presumably the bottom half and samantha fox also refrains from having full sex that must be a blow for her boyfriend that's even worse than they can't get nearer joker slightly worse the bishop of galway on the other hand fathered a love child by anne murphy who described their first encounter in her book his eyes lit up i unfasten my blouse and bra and let them fall to the ground what what why does he wear in her blouse we may never know which scurrilous nonsense brings us crashing to the end of that revealing round and the overriding concern is uh for paul and annabelle who have a painfully amateur seven while ian and danny have a ruthlessly efficient 12. and so we clear the stage for our end game the final missing words round two swatches of incomplete headlines await the random guesswork of each team they who lie last guessed first so paul and annabelle here are your five easy pieces priests to what if synod rebuffs women projectile vomit strike is in fact the right answer next bbc riddled with what says tv chief awful hosts of topical quiz show red tape is a slightly dull answer next smith is caught in what sarah green's bedroom i'll tell you obviously that's something wilson's dilemma is in fact uh disease next major tourist goal on what favorite of three thirty masters was the right answer and lastly hesseltine comes out what full stop inviting is the right answer very good slightly late but very good uh right ian and danny prepare to receive your fives starting with aliens rush for rights in what william shepler's courses i see uh holland is in fact the right answer next paranoid perot scores what with mrs bush own goals farmers find what in peace comfort lord lucan easy pickings is the rather dull answer next young people what about radio one ask their parents about and find out yeah passionate is in fact the answer yes the rather strange answer yeah and finally outcry at uh three million pound bill to put maggie in what lunatic is [Music] incompetence brings us gratefully to the end of this final act of desperation and it would seem to appear that this week's first night flops are paul and annabelle with 11 and this week's overnight sensations are ian and danny with 13. so a year's subscription to skye for our winners two years subscription to the sky for our losers but uh before we can all go home thank you danny here's uh the genuinely small matter of our captioning competition and danny what did you come up with at last something decent come out of archer's head paul and annabelle what do you think of this look at that old trout on which uh feasible notes i'll say it again i wouldn't like one of them to swim on which uh on which note we say thank you to our panelists ian hislock and super sub danny baker paul merton and annabelle giles and i leave you with news that keith richards has denied his drug problem is getting out of hand as the finishing touches are put to his new syringe a leaked photograph suggests that the police may have embarked on their own version of the madonna book and finally after bill clinton's good looks are revealed to be winning him female votes ross perot launches a last ditch campaign to attract the mail vote good night [Music] well can livingston have a mayor in london or will martin and his lock just take him to the tabloids have i got 1992 for you at the same time tomorrow although time to strap yourself in for a double bill of accident black spot part of uk tv's crash week

Channel: lfcizdabest

Views: 40,401

Keywords: hignfy, have i got news for you, comedy, panel show, british comedy, paul merton, angus deayton, ian hislop, danny baker, annabel giles

Id: FKRdZ7WfnAc

Length: 29min 23sec (1763 seconds)

Published: Sun Oct 11 2020