The best of Hignfy series 36

it's like the fleet the flies they're not flying away from the cheese if it's so well smelling you know what I mean okay who's to blame for all of these let's start with Gordon no I think yes a [Applause] failure to regulate throughout the past decade may have something to do with it all right getting too close to the bank misreading the cycle of greed through government and the banks I think that's all part of the answer [Applause] the Tories know this is Thatcher knows usually the answer it means he's of course ubiquitous and gorgeous there am i trying to defend public school boys and then you just ruin the whole thing you can't change your nature in you know but he was still there right at the last minute trying to suggest that Obama was in some way a terrorist I mean literally the logic seems to be that Barack sounds a bit like Iraq yeah Obama's a bit like Osama by accident no that's it that's his campaign okay big accusation was you're very good at public speaking oh that's terrible don't vote for Obama he can string a sentence together pretty suspect but for us we can not how has Barack Obama been trying to reassure voters that he is an all-american boy how's it gone bowling that's what you have to do to win in America isn't it go bowling shoot moose so if you could have electrodes implanted in your brain what would you like to be able to do better [Laughter] so I say again I serve you I was nothing to them okay got it you could listen to women better for a start quarter than I [Laughter] did you see what else Boris had to say at the post-olympic party oh when he defined the origin of ping pong as with wife he was brilliant that speech I think the opening ceremony for the game should be just Boris forget all the drumming and all we can't do any of that just get him on five minutes it's open was invented on the dining tables of England it was and it was called with worth the essential difference between us in the rest of the world other nations the French looked at a dining table and saw an opportunity dad dinner we looked at a dining table and sort of duty to play with [Applause] they described him as an exit owned Ian who once presented did I tell you use Ian let's remind ourselves of what you said on question time about Sarah Palin I mean this woman this woman is is quite extraordinary why she's extraordinary well I mean she's the first sort of good-looking person in politics for a very long time [Applause] so your point is are you going to get out of here alive I think that might count as a gasps can I just apologize what is it about Sarah Palin you find so attractive glasses where I've been why she skin's a moose all of those things I went on to talk about appealing to celebrity culture and a but inevitably I've been misrepresented by the media time now for the missing words round which this week features as its guest publication will Radney leashed or to give it its full title in English the Official Gazette of the Slovenian Society for the recognition of certain potatoes and onions I don't believe this newsletter is genuine I mean why would anybody apart from as a joke [Applause] that's in a fallen language I was a picture of some so say potato might agree with you and they are there sitting it right there look it's got a blank page over there well they've run up words on this one there are words shortage in Slovenia what sort of quiz is this how we meant to get the answers right shut up the first world festival of sauteed potato and onions what by him as it emerges that certain people in London doubt the existence of our magazine next butcher told his what is to what his hair is too long no which I told his hair is too long perfectly reasonable answer absolutely so the paintings on long hair isn't she yeah attractive her two glasses which are attractive in here yeah but you're told here the glasses the hair was on their own would you be interested or is it is it just that you know if they were on the table would ya still be interested I could or leave it it's just the nags head let's say a paler crude give her one with my dog rapping older misshapes skin nose band really moleska and if you're gonna sound which note that thing be now thought you're making up as you go I thought you were bright Brian about your vape right in London the producers of a local news program begin to regret the anti-drugs items showing addicts how to how God you see little bit I'm sorry if you forget it next time it's written up there for you then there's no chance of making any mistake they offered you countdown maybe should have signed before you did tonight's program got all the letters yeah the whole lid has been lifted hasn't it on this this Corfu jet set a world that looks like a Bond movie dubious Russians wealthy finances public school boys Tories Mandelson the perfect villain I was born in this man who hosted them all Nathaniel Rothschild my friends hmm they were tops furred together they were in the Bullingdon there's a marvelous photograph of them in frock coat so we got that the picture he's standing on those steps looking like he's desperate the whip something there it is that's not the real picture smaller picture here it is are we waiting for someone to invent television maybe somebody's drawing it even as we speak he's he sort of said I'm really angry about and if George Osborne keep saying that my account is wrong I shall produce evidence to show I'm right anymore laughs we shift off and loose women I don't know about you girls but you seen Brad Pitt the agreement was that whoever lost would buy lunch for everyone else and NAT came up and said he refused to pay because we'd brought in a couple of other people who weren't so a Rothschild probably the richest person in the universe [Music] those goes on in the Bullingdon Club that they get incredibly drunk trash restaurants then pay for it afterwards and apologize vidiian did you ever come across the Bullingdon crowd yes one occasionally saw them across a field from your quadrangle window yes out they were who rang and throwing up when you have anything to do anything a bit like that didn't you have some piers Gaveston connections or I went to the piers Gaveston Society was completely different that was a sort of focus piers there was Gaveston they were peers trying to make conversation something I know nothing no you're doing well yes I occasionally went to those parties but they were nothing like the Bullingdon parties those Peter Mandelson reacted to all these relevant deviance Pete our relations you've got the imminence the wrong way around that's an 11 let the word is wisely good to you [Music] Oleg is also an oligarch that's one vowel difference isn't it but it's a fabulous cartoon character oleg the oligarch what is an oligarch to public school for time sake what is he I think actually means ruled by an elite does it yes it's on the Greek word all he goes what the earring is that is that a place in a point for them to raise that or is it a done deal by the time travel manually it's actually an opportunity for members of parliament to to actually thank this go through the documentation that is going to be presented to the public and the opportunity for proper engagement is actually after the taking of the [Applause] there are certain times when that is the funniest joke in the world but Salem asain was walking beside him just then if you show that bit again you see it's Nixon Cohen power you see sign I'm saying they could have saved them in for two [Music] since he was hung exercise what our Obama supporters being encouraged to do at Halloween go around McCain's house going he's being widely reported on all the political blogs that Sarah Palin's lip liner is tattooed on it would you have tattooed I don't know Richard Whiteley I don't emanuelle bowed out of the ways that your showbusiness career could be pursued to its highest height it's always been a bit mysterious he's death wasn't it they make jokes about dead Richard Whiteley notes he seemed right where to Sarah Palin come from Alaska would you [Music] [Applause] permanently associated with that joke say something right we should widely in their cut they couldn't research at the University of Illinois which record is best to perform cardiopulmonary resuscitation to its staying alive by the Bee Gees is yeah and why because you go whether your mother already is the right timing for the it's exactly the 100 chest compressions per minute as recommended by the American Heart Association 103 I think staying how do you know that occasionally I like to stop and start my own heart just to see if I can pass is the time it makes it afternoon just go by really it must have been a few hearts top during the audience watching Ken [Music] [Applause] the likes workhead was eventually found by a homeless man at Redding railway station who's now claimed his 2000 pound reward not the first time Paul McCartney has been picked up by a [ __ ] who then made a lot of money [Music] [Applause] I just saw the amusing think of buzzing where like all I could see was blue sky [Music] heaven well that's an ostrich hmm in a sandwich yep meaning you think this is it just sort of the show I buzzed ages ago well last week you buzzed yeah five days with the series begun space it smells of what is it you rain sorry should be ashamed got away with it there was a long pause [Applause] [Music] good evening and welcome to have I got news for you I used to be Jon Pertwee yes this is Jonathan as Jonathan Ross there's Russell leaving his house and this has been a big fuss I'm in a bit of a disadvantage over this because I don't listen to his radio show so I was no way I could actually hear what was said in any shape or form so how on earth did you find out what was said Paul how did you do that well luckily I tuned in to the many media that was a failure this phone call that was put into Andrew sacks I was able to hear it position being able to be offended time after time after time my own convenience just goes to show what multi-platform broadcasting is really all about really a national emergency oh yes yes yes to be pulled out of an economic summit to give these judgment although this isn't when it's more important having economic summits I mean that's a failure well the last time we last time we went through this drama was when somebody miss named a cat on Blue Peter isn't that right Oh I mean we're in serious who's comforting Andrew sacks granddaughter now Max Clifford oh you keep enormous Ouija board coming running water what did fellow radio presenter Steve pink have to say this is an outrageous example of what can be a very beautiful art form Oh Paul you're so marvelously intuitive oh no I yes I saw him on to tell you saying it I was having a biscuit at a time [Applause] while wondering why Andrew Sachs is number was always engaged who should chip in to bail out the IMF according to Gordon Brock Jonathan Ross brilliant you see cheerfulness practical solutions get Paul into the Lib Dems not enough gravitas like Lynn beat the trend this week recession wise so is it BP your answers Volkswagen the answers Volkswagens you think no yeah that may be another answer but he's actually the boys onto it about VP at 36 and 36 Tom Baker [Applause] we learned this week that someone else isn't suffering in the recession is it Volkswagen I'm gonna say that all night [Music] he made 12 million pounds last year like a man said 12 million quid since leaving office I'm the man yeah well I'm the boy you're the man let's understanding up competition it this is all to do with hedge funds Vince won't notice but what happens Vince is you see and the hedge fund people targeted Volkswagen thinking stupidly the share price was going down but Porsche had secretly bought in unknown to everybody else you can do this on the German rules Vince it's quite interesting this bit the share price it's brilliant this a Volkswagen then rocketed all the hedge fund people lost [Music] [Applause] [Music] this is the news oh oh I buzzed yeah yes to be fair that was quick are you psychic and then we buzzed but if the trick is that we listen to the answer and then [Applause] Volkswagon they could use superconducting magnets to hold the gold to their side of the bus and then he added unfortunately gold is not magnetic and so it would have to be vaporized to a blindingly a hot crowd of plasma I try that once I think it was in the Sontaran experiment Sarah Palin action figures went on say last month soon after she was chosen as John McCain's running mate there's the Tomb Raider Palin ideal for visiting John McCain next year when you ve got one of these you one of these dolls you know about getting one for some reason the [ __ ] schoolgirl oh I waited to meet you so much when I was a kid and is also the Dalek doll in Italy it goes knit eight purl 8 exterminate to be fair there are many mitten Dalek jokes around yesterday you can also get a Tom Baker doll on sale for $12.99 or just free Venusian quarks interchangeable heads and if you don't like your Tom Baker doll just wait until it turns into a Sylvester McCoy doll then you're really hated think of the doctors bitching about each other time now for the missing words round which this week so far away on Friday we have crumbled what can be easily recognized by the long neck jug head and big ears noddy's close friends the Shropshire sheep ah your sound as though you're related to them it's a breed of sheep right are we gonna go through them all no having read and reread sheep from cover to cover I have now decided what we read and reread she from cover cover I've now decided I'm not I'm not bobbing in your publication anymore I realized I've wasted my life I've spent 15 years living in this bed sit here in wooden stove getting your magazine once a month thinking that one day it's gonna be good I turned to the centerfold is the same old sheep so they'll give up that subscription now and I'm going to go to cow's weekly absolution I thoroughly enjoyed it [Laughter] what a common cause of variable crimp crimp yeah so variable crib is when you crimp something goes a bit variable gone the crimps good if it ends in a sheet they Hastings I can't understand heaven got brains like us and on Strictly Come Dancing in a desperate bid to win viewers votes John sergeant decides to perform the bossa nova wearing only a thong I've said to Bruce he did a joke about me the other week saying that I'm the spitting image of John sergeant obviously very flattered by being compared to a balding man still I suppose it could have been Prescott that's Gordon Brown's wife she's voting that isn't that's the new guy that isn't it's America isn't it it's a historic night ha ha bye-bye to all staff watch it no I didn't know but I assumed it that the morning's papers would be full of it and heed the word the story's gonna go away overnight you know they're gonna tell everybody at 3 o'clock and then move on no I thought it was definitely gonna run but I was interested Sarah Palin's I'm only interested in her bizarrely when she voted somebody asked her which way did you vote you said I'm not telling you change we need do they not know how to order a sentence we need change my team might have been a bit better why have they said that it's more oratorical isn't it change we need rhythm the music of Obama's delivery about being changed need way more of a question though you've got to be definite in politics see ok campaigning cuz there's nobody who feels like it's all good we all want [ __ ] to change that like everything the way it is so if you say we need change we're gonna go against there some areas still missing the Empire yeah [Applause] john mccain looks like something you'd see on a packet of rice [Applause] Obama looks like a corporate pimp I thought if I've read the one of those two I'm afraid that's how white people dance red it's having a donkey would be difficult because the size has a flap in the back door would have to be enormous would almost lose the back door really yeah lavage will give you a key to the back door because they have holes so basically you mind would not give him the key take the dough out and make the whole thing a big old flam yeah Oh entertain a donkey by constantly teasing him about not being good enough to be a horse you got really sad eyes you'd be side of you a hey listen no way [Applause] I'm saying with cats what new invention has been in the news I don't know why don't you tell it's a cat can a cat comb it's a camera that attaches to a cat's collar honestly owners can see what it's been up to Julie today and obviously the resulting film has proved thrilling for cat owners yeah across the country they get to see what their own legs look like I think that's fantastic I'd certainly have it if I had a cow it's only put a camera on it I've been out got a cat I've got a camera but intending to buy both tomorrow the shop specializes in things that begin we've seen I might get Kagawa man it's the interior minister of Iran he's been forced to resign he claimed to have a degree from Oxford you imagine that happening in this country senior figure in the Conservative Party who became a lord and then went to prison claiming to have been at Oxford when he wasn't when he was at Teacher Training College up the road can you imagine who you thinking of it's gone a leak or Dan a leak all done I think it was Jeff ray Archer [Applause] somebody called somebody else a leprechaun and that was then considered racist and it went to a went to court and then they decided it wasn't racist to call somebody elliptical are you saying leprechaun leprechaun as opposed to a leprechaun leprechaun like cor a leprechaun I say look at him he's trying to go on The X Factor what I've always wanted it's my dream [Applause] mischievous artists and they do things like put horse's legs around the wrong way so when they walk off they fall over you can see the leprechauns do it this is the same sailing boat well we put cameras on the cats it's the best idea I've ever heard like one with the king then you got a dream 40 years but one day I want to see every camera camera he said email errors this week radio - presenter Michael Ball introduced an email from a listener with the words someone's written in it's from Helvetica bold he then went on to say what a great name Helvetica bold no Michael because it's the font in which the email was written you know bed it's such a terrible mistake yeah I don't know Helvetica Helvetica bold Helvetica that could easily been a name black woman named HR now let's play a game I'll tell you a name and you have to say whether it's a real name or a font name poor Richard never heard of it so I say it's made up it's not font you're as thick as Michael Ball baskerville old face that's a fart man I'm only you now I'll use that all time I just wanted to see your face bring me very crafty warm it is okay now this there's only one more or less so you two will have to do it together ready Randy Bumgardner that's why they take the daily mail is it font or name name it is indeed it's a name and furthermore he works in the White House so he's topical I'm not just a silly name written into the script no reason what's his job in the White House don't really like to say I mean if he comes over written you come over to Britain and he'd be wonder why everybody be later than him all true all my life I've been named render Bumgardner a nobody laughing even the taxi driver was pissing yourself man I think Obama should make him especially in voice in London [Laughter] [Applause] incidentally I should point out that despite my surname I'm no relation to Russell Brand although I have shagged his granddad [Applause] citement as pinky and perky what returned to our screens in the form of computer animation make TV cam make TV well down here how many people here remember pinky and perky probably not many they were little puppet pigs use the minds of hits of today so Mike pinky and perky making a comeback yeah yeah that's the headline suggested but since they are fake they do not truly exist there's no such thing as leprechauns but don't don't question the integrity of pinky and perky they won the war for us I go through long stretches on a show on that note in the boat is 1992 we have five but pull and read have seven we just go more a dignified responsibility you think I was doing that as soon as you got behind the screen but I'm pretty sure when he got alone that night with Michelle they were laying in bed and he said hey baby girl what she said what he said I beat that crack of theirs how would you like to have sex with a prison of the United States Bill Clinton see it which one's pinkie and which ones have I got news for you I'm Jack Dee sadly Paul Merton is unwell this evening and we all wish him a full and speedy recovery apart from Frank Skinner for whom this is a dream come true there is on the phone saying why aren't I replacing Paul Merton really like him exactly John was more entertaining to me than watching Rachel Stevens sexing it about the place yeah we don't want that sort of thing little kid you want to see a bit more of me [Applause] [Music] was terribly encouraging this was a demonstration of democracy at work you had a series of unelected judges who thought they were making the decisions and found they weren't happens in most sort of regimes around the world they got jolly cross they said this is a dancing competition and obviously hadn't noticed that it wasn't it's an entertainment show and he was very amusing and the public just the more annoyed the judges got I wish this worked in the High Court the more the public will was displayed like mrs. Thatcher he can say I was never defeated by public votes you see or like Gordon Brown who would called me a lumbering elephant once yes so we don't I love the fact I got a no that's brilliant kind of getting like I was doing Fame Academy comic relief does Fame Academy when was this it's funny that we haven't got any footage of me doing Big Brother [Music] [Applause] yes dancing do you like a bit of dancing yes wondering if you've got any footage would you ever for instance at some point dance to Peter Mandelson and I don't know Jeremy Paxman and and the author Robert Harris did that I didn't dance i sang sang i sang a very innocuous version of YMCAs village people with Peter at a birthday party a mutual friend no we haven't met you got a clip of it no check cleared in time so that won't be shown meanwhile David David Cameron's four-year-old daughter was asked by journalists this week what she thinks he does for a job she said my daddy reads the newspaper for a living then added when I'm watching the cartoons on telly he switches over and watches himself so what was David Cameron's response did you see what he had to say about that did he put her into care he said that it was a frankly insulting definition of what I do four years old David like that question time she was standing up saying here daddy you to nobody's good now - my daughter no she wet the bed till she wasn't oh sorry I got a bit carried away stood up on this program yes I think Kirstie young did actually Russell Brown went to the lewd oh he sat in this very seat yeah yeah he didn't go to the loo in that I'm actually standing up now thanks did you know how she discovered that the affair was going on she said I looked at the screen and could see his character having sex with a female character I was so shocked that I can't recall whether they were in bed or on a sofa it doesn't really matter because neither of those pieces of furniture are real then his character started to go country-and-western dancing and my suspicions real they call it online dancing he's back next week just import sitting at home going very easy for impressionable women to see someone incredibly attractive on screen only to be bitterly just disappointed when they meet them in the flesh Bob sees a bit distracted because you're wearing sort of red socks and riding shoes yes to the pirate audition sorry okay I just I like to match the furniture yeah and YouTube meet virtually something yes I'm wearing tonight I'm soft leave me alone so was you the girl behind the counter asked me what what the courgette was just she did genuinely say what's this was she working there yeah she was the person doing the beeps how she was all in accordance I what's the cause she was quite a tricky thing what's this was it not wrapped it was just a zit you bought one cause yet I thought maybe - I brought loads of courgettes parties I love a concept artist does explain why he was he was so johnny cross the whole time doesn't it my jolly crop you mean homicidal mania that was the Daily Mail headline every time jolly cross anyone here been mistaken for anyone else yeah you you ever say quickly you're more on chaps of the manga bracket quick a lot of a lot more hair that's it I've just got a lot more hurt thank you Frank how about you you've ever ever tried to pass yourself off of someone else or be mistaken I used to fund up on the swimming thing when I tried to chat people up in Birmingham in my youth I used to tell them I I was a channel swimmer oh I don't know why it just made me sound like I might have quite a lot of stamina only explain the smell of goose fat at the next meeting of the British iron collectors Angela will serve cream teas whilst we get the chance to look at how about a steaming squirter four inches high then what host have I got news for you four inches high we won't care what the answer is you don't get the answer Ian and Miranda got the point joke not a very good one quite a big laugh so four inches ago he doesn't he's on your team so what you might say someone great we're going go on in Quentin four inches high then we won't enter you for the high jump that's yellow crack at me then you stitch Quentin up I'd make him do that joke sidekick is it I'll have a vanilla tub please young man I thought the caption was Paul Merton returns after operation [Applause] and I leave you with news that our celebrations for Prince Charles's 60th birthday continue Camilla gathers all those for I will go I will go back without again can I just well I'd rather do it now the money for the punchline yeah yeah you can talk [Applause] [Music] [Applause] this is Alistar dodging darlings pre-budget report to dodge if we start calling him that now and everybody will eventually be forced to call him a less-than-ideal let's do it revolution starts here yes the doses Aleister Darjeeling's pre-budget there's also plans to introduce a higher top rate yes I should do it this is a big sympathy get outside the studio yeah million quid a minute might have to pay more tax no it's it's a hundred thousand a year I gather I'm liquid closely [Music] most of the time I think people in that situation are very happy to pay tax but I have friends who feel that paying more tax in order to compensate for the fact that a lot of bankers have messed it up completely for the last 10 years it's quite annoying that's a sad person miss Barry Manilow's core audience I think that's Jonathan Ross's love child I don't think it is that I think it could be a story about people in America who have been imprisoned and their punishment is to be played Barry Manilow music and they sit there and they say okay just don't play side-b I'll never do it again you are absolutely right really it's the town of Fort Lupton Colorado if you violated noise regulations you have to be made to listen to Barry Manilow for one hour at full volume four times a year his fans listen to it that mode now you just sit there for now I think I got listened to Barry Manilow the gun smash a car raiser offenders have to listen to apart from Barry any audience sort of missed this story myself it's Barney the Dinosaur they have to listen to that oh yes half was good we've got a little tip of that there [Music] he's definitely gonna crack that one Harriet Harman crusading against the advertising of prostitution the poor old prostitutes collective have been flat out all week trying to talk that is their job always unimaginative it their argument is deal with the traffickers don't steamroller everybody the average client they're hardly going to say are you freely available for no strings attached unn traffic sex and the traffic is around the corner with a gun I mean they're not going to say all no I mean you're taking the word of the English collective of prostitutes rather literally I think they know their own industry why did they be telling the truth well why wouldn't they I never thought I'd be building Japan Korea and Ian Hislop and they'd be debating whether or not you can take a prostitutes word this is pretty much as good as my life's gonna get well things like no you know we need the expert here we need Angus [Applause] first time in six years somebody said that that's david tennant controversially been holding this week a skull oh yeah he's out in the skull of a guy who died in the early 80s who willed his skull to be used at some point in a production of Hamlet and that's what the yeah as you're here the temptation to have been Twitter Chris tackling me no that would be too much for me laughs poor Yorick and you'd have to turn and look at the audience in Australian man David thorne wrote to an Accounts Department dear Jane I do not have any money so I'm sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead I value the jewelry $33 I'm so just that this settles the matter [Applause] what did they say to that well it didn't work legs on it really well really he cheated them on the sink on a leg well this is the thing you see um it mattered the whole match of the legs came up she returned his email he questioned its authenticity saying are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you this spider only has seven legs I do not before I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it [Music] in a year's time that'll all be our currency so joke isn't about two goldfish swimming around and says well you know see the one in front is called Bobby's Road you know when the bats go the other impressions I can do Alec Guinness it's in the film Kind Hearts and Coronets you know the film with Dennis price and then he plays the part of the old vicar Alec Guinness and at one point he says um the bill for my West window that's all the exuberance of Chaucer with none of the concomitant quilt it is of the period [Applause] things we like thing me is like a funny Rory Bremner I can do a dripping bucket and a car boot this I closed it what did art historian Tim mala have to say about this do we know don't bother me now I've just broken up with my wife bottle of whiskey please don't say things like that that is not let me hurry to say that's not true it's more than a bottle of whiskey everything I've said about this man I know nothing about him I'm sure he's wife of he is married is more than happy with him his wife works for the BBC [Music] she's the producer of the Late Show she's gone upstairs from that position right again let's get away from him Gordon Ramsay says to me you want to go public on this we are in his kitchen of course you are the rice is bubbling away you allowed to eat Kilroy silk sure he'd love it Baran the [ __ ] wheel lucky gold yeah oh we love football football let's have a look some [ __ ] dude some football [Applause] the son was very responsible though because there was a very alarmist headline which said Santa and for elves beaten up fell think we should say it any small children watching Santa is okay this is recovered in hospital he's okay and he definitely exists by the way exists yeah otherwise how could he got the [ __ ] kicked out of me the parents don't seem too behaved awfully well do they give your children a lovely treat and say this isn't very Christmassy I'll make it more Christmassy I'll attack Center I beat up his elves I'll pick a fight in the gingerbread house it'll be a lovely Christmas in four hours what is the power center meanwhile continued our festive theme what is worrying crimpers in norwich the hairdresser's are not allowed to offer mulled wine to their customers anymore while they're doing their hair is that right that's absolutely right because the customers might spill the hot mulled wine on themselves and die [Music] we dunk what your hairdresser knocking it back you come out live with a haircut like Arthur Scargill or something yeah shouldn't think it's a big problem for you in hi Andy really about me not having much hair therefore do some material about hi next I said we Andy he was jointly oh I said it's not a problem for you and I are it wasn't an attacking haunted bonding now now look paranoid yeah no people talking about you be kana here what it is should we drag out what was said in the week about it was it literally literally you tell us what the line said in the newspaper he was very very flattering it said Liz Hurley was wearing a dress there was so low her cleavage looked as though she had to Ian Hislop sin the front side is slightly hairy her [Applause] I merely pass on the image I think he's got hairy boobs now it makes me feel better about my no she read out the Queen speech but interestingly the best bit of the Queen speech was not given to her Gordon's plan to say you don't have to pay your mortgage for two years he didn't put in her speech he kept it for himself for our Queen gets the boring stuff about no three for two in the offi and it's all gonna be miserable and no uncle Gordon comes out and says oh we don't have to pay your mortgages was that the Queen you were doing an impression of Dave yeah oh that might have been uncle Gordon it was a very bad impression I think of him as a terrible Santa the whole government is a sort of Lapland which remember the cabinet for you personifies a dead reindeer stuck to a shed I think it would have to be Peter Mandelson [Applause] [Music] I think she picked the wrong chin I am The Walrus of all the team she's got all the talents as well anyone know what they are working the call center and now come to the mail she can strike a nonchalant [Laughter] that's the biggest threat to walruses in the world their nonchalance yeah another killer whale sneaking up on them and then just going hi the killer whale takes a bite learn new voice gets old really - to be boring in its era your turn and I turn the trivia meter up to max oh it's good how the technology could handle Mac yeah just turn the to be able to down to medium and change the piece on there we go so this is the last question in this round but we don't get the guy at the bottom John Barrowman so you just put up there for no reason at all his agents just very insistent really but I think I can get you on next to the walruses play in the desert we just use you but you'll be there yeah that wasn't the part of him that they wanted and remember when Blair went to visit him Berlusconi was wearing a bandanna for the whole time because he'd had a hair transplant yeah he wasn't admitting it so he said it was sort of pirate look I level summit to the man with the thing actually he would rather people thought well it's certainly true that his regular judo partner Vassily shestakov lovely woman yeah and which highly respected figure had a high-level meeting with Vladimir Putin this week was it Pope no no no it wasn't the ransom at no higher than that bad that's right there's almost no one in that gap well it was it was I be interested to see whether you agree with me is he is someone more important left around something less important okay it's Andrew Lloyd Webber pitched him absolutely right these are British entry this year is he not busy yeah isn't he gay what we ever gonna tune we just entry now Andrew Lloyd [Laughter] he's going to write the entry I'm sure I read it in the paper if I made this up No thank you very much so the sad I should know it yes I wouldn't thought you're that of course ends the Eurovision for 20 minutes in the middle mister Berlusconi's party Forza Italia is actually named after a chant used by AC Milan football fans in a similar move the Liberal Democrats are thinking of changing their name to we're [ __ ] and we know we are which means at the end of this round it's a ooh Ian and Sarah nope siren blaring which means you call the Liberal Democrats [ __ ] which means at the end of this round it's a Paul and Andy with you see can I just point out that Vince Cable saw the recession coming here anyway you just see if you can see this moment why don't you just say Vince Vince Cable also got a massive laugh by calling Gordon Brown mr. bean which has to be one of the lamest jokes I've ever heard outside Centre Court in Wimbledon try reading this one thing okay this is the scores that's what they all say [Laughter] that's a fantastic metaphor for new labor isn't it hang on for dear life and going round in circles that's unbelievable now [Music] [Applause] [Music] that's a level of skill that's very rare to find presumably not shot in Britain that no that's from America's Got Talent he wasn't bad but the guy was really a singer what are you gonna do about David [Applause] yeah I stand by Lee Jasper and all you had to say was la la this is the guy who beat you yeah this program spoke no no nerd of him and he was on the air I mean he was sitting there next thing you know he's mayor the first point of recapitalisation was to save banks we not only saved the world and save the bank and led the way probably because you've got this Empire thing going unlike the idea you think we still have an empire gosh I thought history was badly taught over here I'm intrigued by your glasses you seem to well because I needed to see far away oh you had to see close I understand they have bifocals in America they're not allowed to marry oh sorry I can see the ticker at the bottom of his show I was a bottom photo cool who did our Steve darling get to meet this week David Walliams I saw in the paper dressed as a lady was he yeah that was Ben competition with David one year mr. darling actually looks like he's falling in love a little bit which one is Alice there darling yeah the one with the silly eyebrows what is he doing wait I know you can't see where his hand is who's the queen seriously buying Chi for Christmas crackers is that true story that's when I'm asking you what are the cost cutting measures is the queen taking in the run-up to Christmas tree for Christmas crackers let's stay home and have as good a time as I am there so could we be patronized by a man who's brought some qualities of the world in television isn't it full of students the post office properly addressing our don't worry can never thought I've been a post office worker did you join a union so and should we use much more fantasy to help us that's I think what we gonna turn when I talk about values I think we need more fantasy to use our intelligent and no necessarily to absolute the credit where it's when a teen rules so rules has been over to too much and rules needs to change so so we're talking about [Applause] she was on there promoting some bras and pants Wow who's gonna buy him now exactly I don't think you buy them for women who talk charming carpet you have for $15.99 Dorn French's autobiography dear fatty that's not dear fatty that's extortionate [Laughter] it's alright laughing at the Queen but don't laugh at dawn what's been the news recently that dogs might get jealous about this is horrible yeah I wanted to move on and they just keep putting the change into a slave to this card burn them chuck up Jack get rid of them chuckles [Applause] don't worry anybody that is got any jokes now that's liberation doesn't that feel better yeah it does feel better yeah but now I got to rip this card too cuz we had [ __ ] more things yeah give it this is a punishment we haven't seen the picture but I'm gonna give it a gun this is the governor of Illinois oh yeah he's trying to flog Barack Obama's Senate seat for about half a million pounds is that how it works in the states you just buy the seat no well no it's not supposed yeah haven't three of the last ten governors of Illinois gone to prison for the last eight for the last time [Laughter] right how dare you suggest we're not very corrupting me and Randy Baumgartner who's Randy Bumgardner [Applause] so glad I was here to hear you say bum gone or whatever his name in gardener whatever he's Navy yes no his name's Randy bubble guy called Fung god yeah I would have haven't you Randy bump garden is farther is called Delmar Bumgardner and he in an attempt to take the curse of Bumgarner Mincey just as well that didn't go double-barreled or Randy would have been a Mincey Bumgardner what the TARDIS I don't know if I've made this up I removed it was it originally the TARDIS gonna be instead of being a police box was gonna be a huge bubble that sort of travelled through time and space we have the original broken that's the original TARDIS blue pre-focus somebody drawing a certain look into the afternoon in the office a new show complete circle is it either that's where they get is what I didn't design it gated something along the lines of this is you know I think you had a tumble dryer sort of drying clothes in the middle of the night and they said tumble dryers washing machines dishwashers all these can catch fire dishwasher where is the fire element coming in there's lots of water losing it it's a hole in a dishwasher what are you all talking about we're very interested in domestic appliances before we go this just time for the caption competition oh my gosh I almost forgot that yeah wow this is a bit I edit out every week bear that in mind as we struggle towards something funny you quickly show on every week yeah we thought every day would be Georgia ah yes this is the the shoe journalist the guy that threw the shoes at the President Bush and there he is still not getting it that's obviously is correct it is of course the incident of the suicide bomber of course we have the footage let's have a look at that yes you can zero [Applause] [Music] who'd like to see that again [Music] he's got fantastically good reactions Bush yeah and if he'd seen the recession coming at that sort of speed it's like going to a political rally and having people yell at you down the street and have people not gesturing with all five fingers I like his description of his everyday life which involves walking along people's shafts you get in people people giving him the finger it's all normal it means he's unpopular but he hasn't twigged this yet did you see how the Secret Service where though they weren't even in the room did they just the guy could have unloaded Imelda Marcos is war Joe but it is quite encouraging isn't it I mean he didn't throw a bomb at him he threw a shoe and that's progress one of your um Lib Dem colleagues I believe wants to become an international terrorist negotiator and would like to talk to us Amma bin Laden on behalf of the free world I know but I'm not sure I can share this information no is it highly privileged is it Lembit Opik I said the first silly thing that goes lose indeed limp Biskit whatever is called you were lid den leader as we know I keep forgetting Charles did as well yeah Bernard Madoff is the latest swivel-eyed two-faced lying bastard to emerge in part of your iris is the fact that you've lost quite a lot of money yes not not in this scheme that would be stupid in a completely different scheme no I tell you what it is if you really work very very hard and you give your money to a bank who then give it to AIG who then give it to Manchester United you give it to Ronaldo and then say I can't have it back just remind me though in private our banks with Royal Bank of Scotland yes there you go and it means I own primaries up which is great you can I've got them vet Cooper who is something or other at the Treasury you know every detail of some really dull cars internal structure I think we're beginning to understand how you lost so much money yeah the papers called it the world's biggest fraud well second-biggest if you count last week's Strictly Come Dancing doesn't care about bombers in the Middle East but strictly calm down maybe that's what we should do maybe we should turn you know our Ward's into reality shows and the audience should get a say by telephone votes as to what site we bomb next okay how do you say we would let me in the Irish obviously no I meant we who live in this country great multicultural nation that you clearly do not approve of that's the Scots offended next stop wheels Jeremy I offended the Birmingham people but we weren't recording at the time according just said it what you've just said out loud yeah this is a very nice Lib Dem MP I haven't actually brought this up really I just for any reasons they were not specifically to attack mrs. feather stupid I see what did you pull her an old boiler no was this in the lead up to you fancying Sarah Palin you said it was only one attractive woman in politic and you were sitting opposite Lynne Featherston when you said it didn't say I said it was I said it was the first attractive person who'd been involved in politics for a long time forgetting I was on question time with a lot of politicians how could you forget that you're on question time like it's not slipped my mind was that I'm on have I got news for you this week a pilot on a flight from Cardiff to Paris had to turn back because he was not qualified to land the plane in fog it's amazing they've got an airport in Cardiff English had an inferiority complex he thought it was the same as everybody else I know how those passengers feel I flee the other day and heard a terrifying announcement ladies and gentlemen we will shortly be landing in Manchester how you do it Jeremy you just get an atlas the end of a sentence I hate Milton Keynes do you think I wrote those no when I read your column I think god I wonder who did this [Applause] least you don't have to understand it throwing a pen is very insulting of journalism no Jeremy's total ultimate because he has no use oh he's drawn blood I think you'll find it's ink is it back yes it's a red pen that's what I used to correct private eye every week please be my guest [Applause] learn live on air I accept your apology we're friends hello I apologize for throwing a pen at you it was intended to hit you well I've never hit anything I've got thrown as anybody before is it I did - taking penalty in the game of football the only game of football I ever played in and the nearest that the ball got the goal mouth was when it was on the spot [Music] can you got enough blood left in it I think what the answer might I was just thinking about getting a tetanus jab my the first person to have actually physically wounded somebody on the show yeah but I thought it was very funny the reason that I wear glasses it's because I had a pencil poked in my eye when I was 5 years of age or in so I would that was quite a harrowing moment for me we need one of those faces that Ian does when he looks disgusted so I'm going to get one of those now no I'm not face doesn't move now it will in a minute frozen with botulism from your fire potato related incident led to a member of the young what potato related incident led to a member of the clergy turning up at A&E recently he's already pulling the Flay's and he doesn't know the answer yet his face is too small for his habit isn't it it always looks if somebody's tattooed their face on the back of somebody else's head this is all about give him nice but are you getting the questions for this [Music] [Applause] you can have it after it's what's called a peace offering I've just realized you're only the second person I've wounded in my entire life just remember to the first line is mr. Piers Morgan Sally team tonight is a comedian who told The Times recently someone asked me do you mind not being on telly anymore and I started thinking it's probably worth doing it just says some Oh Darrin what do you say so it's a complicated just comes natural to me on in his op team tonight is a comedian why is that helping as it does a bit of bit of gravitas much as carry me through let's do it as a cow be on his lobster 290 the comedian who all the times recently asked me do you mind not being on telly anymore and they started thinking it's probably worth doing some telly just to stop people saying that [Music] so in my state of the my State of the Union our state my speech to them there's an old saying in Tennessee I know it's in Texas probably in Tennessee this does fool me once the fool me can't get fooled again our enemies are innovative and resourceful and so were we they never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people and they don't give which according to the Sun thanks the recession Britons are turning to what cheaper activity sex it is it is sex cause it's sex what else is it gonna be it's not that shape [Applause] but don't take the Victorians 1876 a lot better suddenly you've become Alistair Darling former world champion Mika häkkinen has to say about this do you think that Formula One does need to look at cutting its costs yes he's a racing driver easy at all - yes in 60-second here's your's 200 butchers went to work with cleavers knives and choppers and it took one of his trouble the surface time in a man detective broken [Music] it's about nice crime it is to Sarah Palin big it's a phrase which they use in American politics they say you can have a pig and if you put lipstick on a pig it's still a pig still a pig yeah but in what it was an unfortunate phrase and she's made it seared and you've said that on this program you fancy Sarah Palin this room you'd probably kiss her you said that not said on this program I said it on question time I'm not gonna say something silly with the proper audience ding-dong rather curious expression that she's saying to the bear couldn't you have waited till you got into the woods how much did the entire US election procedure cost how much they reckon it cost 800 billion pounds was it more than the Second World War say there's six billion dollars well that's nothing i mean figures like that don't bother us nowadays that's what most people are in debt on their credit cards those smaller people in the audience they'll pay that tomorrow you grow up you'll be paying for all of us in theory thought for Christmas I'm the ghost of Christmas future you're gonna pay 50% tax whole life will include Hillary Clinton in London that's right up to you guys he's been asked Christmas is Christmas do you listen to this [Applause] [Laughter] [Music] the sad thing is he wasn't booked he just wandered in [Music] [Applause] [Music] that receives the flag waves it enthusiastically I'm looking forward to our games because I think the the whole opening ceremony should just be Boris comes on makes a short speech we laugh it's over any money at all we all save money very popular Boris says we're all going to win it with West one thing the Paralympics and I cried about 50 times then every time someone won a medal I cried at the Paralympics but I did this vetting thing I suddenly felt the need to vet everyone who was in the Paralympics up when was the opening ceremony me and my girlfriend spent the whole thing saying he looks alright you can carry a flag at work [Applause] are you taking over as benefits minister doing a better job of talking each other the left hand now knows what the right hand is doing just been elected he's he's not elected this guy took over office he appears he's gonna bring stability to the country and I think that's good news for the 17 general I can't name the general they did its general [Music] that star p-diddy has his own private jet complete with cabin crew who start each flight by pointing out the exits here here here and here it's the first time I've smelt it tonight

Channel: str1tsa

Views: 332,259

Rating: 4.6026936 out of 5

Keywords: hignfy

Id: MU18cW1HGHg

Length: 90min 9sec (5409 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 15 2020