Kyle's Cousin Stories

my cousin's telling me that because they he does these welding jobs and a lot of the guys are like driving in to do them in stuff from out of state and stuff and he says those guys are all getting prostitutes they go on Craigslist or backpage.com and he said they're all getting prostitute prostitutes and I was like are those legit I was like I always just assumed that they were all you know undercover cops or something like that because there's this one time let me just tell the story all right so we're we're all out of state we're staying in a motel Motel is different from a hotel in case you don't know there's there's no hallways it's not interior rooming you know they're just you've got an exterior door that you enter and exit through your room and they're all attached to one another so we're all hanging out this little gazebo area just outside of the motel and we noticed that these individuals had a room sort of near ours and they were being really loud I'm playing lots of loud music and just making lots of noise and we were all just kind of chilling out there hanging out on the park benches so their pizza showed up and they weren't around to collect it so I went hey hey hey over here so their pizza comes I pay the guy so you know Domino's has now been paid I take the pizza we eat the [ __ ] pizza but on as far as these people know you know their pizza just never showed up so they're angrily calling Domino's where's my [ __ ] pizza and Domino's is saying you paid for it bro you got it you know like they're being snippy about it to that because because they don't understand what the deal is and they're like fine we'll send you another one so they send another pizza out we take that one too they're losing their [ __ ] now I played for two I would get so much extra pizza and 2-liter Mountain Dews laying around it's ridiculous at this point and so I'm like we got to step our game up how can we really [ __ ] with him and somebody gets the idea of calling a prostitute off of Backpage and giving him their room number delivering a prostitute to him so all right so we do this thing call the number it's pretty sketchy like she this woman who like had a code name like negotiates price and everything and says okay she's coming and everything what was the price maybe like $150 or something like that for for an hour so maybe 20-30 minutes goes by there's three police cars outside and there's a cop knocking on these people's [ __ ] door and we're all like it was an undercover like cop sting thing we're like they're waiting on somebody to hire this prostitute and give them their address or room number in the cops show up instead of a prostitute so I asked him I was like so these prostitutes these guys get on these welding jobs or are they actual women who show up people aren't getting busted he's like no I was like are they good-looking he's like yes I'm a real good-looking I'm not so much he's like but there's a definitely you get what you pay for so so there you go you can get prostitution really anywhere it seems although I get in trouble I don't [ __ ] know we went to sleep like we didn't want to be seen I always thought the guy she had some slack [ __ ] like I could only hit one side of it at a time or something like that oh yes she had a very large vagina any Astor like like he's like he's like baby what's the biggest dick you've ever had before she goes 12 inches and he's like damn he's like I need to regroup I need to think this over I [ __ ] you die he swore on his grandma his dead grant our grant dead grandmother's brave that he did this he took some rap and rap and rapped his dick until it was like three times its normal size and then put a condom over and went to work I've ever told the story of the time that the guy stole my cousin's cell phone my cousin that halls the cell phone the guy answers and he goes hey dude you must have picked my cell phone by mistake he's like no I didn't it's this is direct and honest so yes we're at a party cellphone goes missing you know [ __ ] happens people pick up the wrong phone so I give Scout my cousin my give I give my cousin Scott my phone he calls his fault dude answers and we know the dude it's like oh hey man what's up he's like not much dude he's like you he got my phone man you get you got the wrong phone he's like nuts it's my phone now bro he said Scott like looks at but you know looks at the caller ID to make sure he's called the right person he's like nah dude that's my phone you're holding Amish it's mine now dawg get that phone back he's like suit yourself man come on our house dude lives in double-wide trailer and he's got one of the really high porches like people like in the cities may not know what this is but the porch is literally head height cuz like put a trailer unlike uneven ground then the one end of the porch is often really high off the ground so we get this guy's house and guy meet the guys out there in the yard this guy goes up to him he's like dude I need my cell phone he's like you're not getting it back dude he's up dude I'm up your ass you don't give himself up pick fall back he's like oh you man come on so Scott just blaze into him starts beating the [ __ ] out of him beats the guy down pretty good yeah takes the cell phone off the guy plug all the guys money because he had to pay me for gas back to me well I turn around as well and we didn't notice that [ __ ] grabs a heavy-duty broom handle from somewhere we don't even know where he got it maybe head of there but he gets back like it was like some ninja gaiden [ __ ] he he hit Scott in the lower back with this thing like he's like oh or something gives him gives him a one hell of a flak in the back yeah what's he did it we I hear Scott go and I turn around guys hold the stick he's looking at me and I'm looking at him he's like oh he just runs back into the house what you know this is like a complete contradiction it's like the dudes locker you clearly sees two people there but he's gonna wave in a facial expression he wasn't he knew he wasn't gonna beat me up with a stick it wasn't gonna happen this is the smaller guy I'm some pounds this guy is about five five nine five ten 150 pounds he's gonna get guys like so he runs back into the house I get Scott up and I'm like making sure he's alright he's like yeah due tomorrow and I'm glad hit me the [ __ ] head let's go get him all right Scott bust into the dudes house he's home alone and we're looking for him and we get in the back bathroom we kick in the door and he's standing there looking at his face in the mirror because he's got beat him up pretty good the first time he's like he's got this look on his face like oh no wait wait wait wait he's puts his hands out in front him like no no we both grabbed him up like a bag of flour and I got it I got a I got one two shoulders and his and his belt Scott does the same we take him out on the front porch and we give him the old heave-ho off the steep end of the porch how about we go one two three the side of that porch and Scott up Stan kicks the [ __ ] out of him like like like that scene out of the Unforgiven where my cousin is in a situation where like he usually like dates three to five women a week something like that and he's kind of tired of having to be like sneaky about it so we were driving to Tennessee like this eight hour drive and he just decided that well we kind of decided I was joking when I suggested it but what he wants to do is convince three to five women to all be his girlfriend exclusively buddy all know about each other so sort of like one of those situations where your marriage the amory yeah well nothing that's it's that with God's know it's all ideas that's like yeah okay yeah yeah polygamy we're talking polygamy polygamy is the one I was going or polyandry i need to look up anyway form of marriage in which a woman has two husbands no way he wants to have three to five girlfriends who all know about each other and all hang out with him at the same time and he already got three of them to agree to this and on top of it all on top of it all get this it's a bit that wasn't good enough for him he's like I want I want people to know that those are my [ __ ] he's like I want him to get my name tattooed to their left breast two of them have agreed to quit riding with you and start getting a pimp game on par he started calling himself Gator like from the other guys movie Will Ferrell like he thinks he is Gator now so he'll just be like Gator don't play no [ __ ] and I told him he's gonna be like he needs to start a YouTube channel called Gator don't play no [ __ ] where he's like the number one redneck pimp and he's wearing like a big pimp hat but it's camouflage and has a turkey feather in it this guy I need more pictures of left boobs I need two we did we've all slay to prove here have I ever told you my my cousin's road rage incident no we have so my cousin was driving back home from his job it was a pretty it was a rough job so you know every day is in a bad mood leaving its factory job and this this this BMW is like riding his ass and the BMW like tries to pass him and they got into some kind of altercation we're like the guy felt like my cousin was being too aggressive with the way that he was driving and the guy starts like slamming on the brakes and really [ __ ] with my cousin the whole way he felt like my cousin had tried to wreck him so my cousin pulls over at the next gas station this guy pulls in behind him they both get out this guy's like older 60 65 he's with his wife and he gets in my cousin's face immediately and he starts really chewing him out he's like and my cousin's taking it because this guy's an older gentleman my cousin's like 25 but it's it he keeps going on and on and he's he gets to a point where he's being insulting he says something like do you know how much that car costs you can't afford that car you couldn't afford to fix that you know how much money I make and my cousin's let you need to stop mister you need to stop get back in your [ __ ] car you couldn't afford and my cousin slays the guy out knocks him unconscious then he looks down and realizes what he's done he's like [ __ ] I might have just killed this old [ __ ] and then the guy's wife is screaming you killed him you killed Larry he's like I just snapped no way get back in the car [ __ ] or you get some to the guy like dying or anything so chances are he got up with a nasty headache so like this is the story's like three or four years ago my cousin Iowa cousin calls me and apparently like he had some issue with some other people never gonna have to go fight and apparently was like six of them and there was only two of us so I was like well is there anybody else we get to go with us and and he's like well we could go get Uncle Terry and I'm like I don't have an Uncle Terry he's like yeah but I do he's my mom's brother and I'm like I don't know him and he's like well he just got out of jail and I'm like what'd he do he murdered someone how long has he been in there 35 years how old is this guy oh he's like 50s some like that I'm like dude we're not taking like a 55 year old dude to this fight where you know we're like 17 18 I'm like we need some old dude slowing us down he's like no no trust me this is the guy we want with us so so I hop in Scott's car he takes us to a trailer park and we hop out and like this isn't a nice trailer park this is a pretty rough establishment this is a ride on all a trailer park this is Robert Boeing trailer park south clown and he ship and so we go into this and all right we this is funny right from the start we get out of the car and this figure opens the trailer door and look down and goes who's that out there that moon wagon does he wear a blazer by the way so I don't know what the [ __ ] made a moon wagon but like Scott goes it's me Uncle Terry he's like oh you got with me you got Kyle with me all men here so we go into this guy's house and he's sitting there with his two daughters who are like I don't know teenagers one of them has a broken arm which she got beating up a a black girl at school but that's not how she refer to the individual so and and so everybody starts smoking cigarettes including the young teenage girls and and they pass around ashtrays which consisted of styrofoam plates and of course that doesn't work too well it burns right through so I'm like no I don't smoke I didn't smoke at the time so like we start talking to Terry and we tell what the situation is and he's like you have any weapons like straight face like get any weapons and he's like well I got this right here and Scott's like Scott's got like this rod it's like a it's like a piece of it's like it's a piece of steel it's like extreme storm up it's still raw yeah sort of like that but not as big it's about a foot to have long and Uncle Terry like picks it up [ __ ] yeah because this is like a black Cobra in the desert and he goes what is his name like he's like this is like my black Cobra in the desert you could run a chain gang with one of these and I'm like how would you sneak it into prison he's like I don't care stick it up my ass but he's like in prison he's like in prison rough he's like lost all my teeth he pulled any pulls out false teeth at this point to reveal that he indeed has no front teeth and what how [ __ ] did that happen he's like a [ __ ] he had a lock in a sock I'm like what did you do I killed him kill him I'm like oh well I guess that fix that problem yeah yeah fixed it he's like in prison you gotta be weaned you gotta be usually hardcore he's like ah you [ __ ] that's what it takes a bite I'll bite your lips off I don't care something all right I'm sure so at the end of it I was like you know what I don't think we need your services Terry we're gonna be moseying on out but good luck to you eating the [ __ ] and you know riots last time I saw us just crazy yeah thanks I that guy ran bare fisted fighting lay up a bare fisted Fight Club at the trailer park in which you you're your entry fee was a case of natural light and they looked her I'm not joking it was where take all dude always had some epic stories in Helmand that makes me what makes me realize if I ever have a shootout with the cops I'm going to get clapped in the end of an angle and egg 1 into cuffs let me tell you this story cuz he's actually a pretty good one my cousin and I were were we got to a four-way stop for a red light and to my right there is a car coming and it was it hadn't quite slowed down enough I was worried that maybe it was going to run the red light so I didn't I didn't go right away even though my life is green and there's a car behind me that just lays on the horn and I'm not talking about one of those beep you know I just hear like hey hey buddy let's go you know he's like wah and I'm like I like turn around like aw [ __ ] I look back and I'm like you know the guys looking at me and he could see me in the mirror and I and I like mouths [ __ ] you and turn around give him the bird and it's just black guy in this in this like shitty ass car and I'm like kind of what the [ __ ] that guy's problem was and so we drive about a quarter of a block and my cousin's like he want you to pull over and I look back and the guys like motioning you know he's like pointing toward his right you know like pull over pull over I'm like well he is mean I'm [ __ ] to say cuz I'm you know I'm like 18 years old I'm going through that phase where it's like no he's gonna [ __ ] with me and and I've actually got what I called my bumper in the truck with me which is basically uh about 15 inches of the end of a baseball bat with duct tape wrapped around it so like all right it's going to have a bad day so I'll hop that with that and I run up to his a passenger side window and I start screaming everyone the town you want me to [ __ ] you up you want to [ __ ] you up you piece of [ __ ] and he's like terrified he like backs up in become he's like I'm a judge and I'm like oh no you might as well pull that a double-barrel Shaq I was like time to go I think back in the truck Scot at this point is like running around the truck like you there to back me up he's like I was going to get it from the ground side and drag him out I'm like no no we take off out of there I'm worried the guys I'm getting a place so I just drive right in the intersects outing to look for cars look it's easily been t-bone I hope I'm on sidewalks I'm driving through parking lots anything to get the [ __ ] out of there we drove around for an hour just just in the wrong direction away from home to avoid the police so that is neither Gavin's gonna be calling the cops but uh if you if you're ever in a situation we think somebody's gonna beat the hell a B just yell I'm a judge cuz that's what I hear anything that scared the [ __ ] out of me that ran into Scott's house one time and I won't go through the whole story but it was that time where someone had been chasing us with a gun because we were trespassing so we've already been running from somebody with a gun that night we were like 19 and he was 18 and I he made it back to his house before I could because I took a roundabout loop to escape the gentleman and when I opened the door to Scott's house he's waiting there with a pistol and he goes snap I thought you were him coming in you should have knocked yeah I guess so I'm not forever and there was a joke between us for like it still is to this day like even if like we've just been speaking to each other and I go to the bathroom I knock from the inside I'm coming out so it snapped was there not one in the chamber was it it good yeah like a 40 caliber Smith & Wesson semi-auto and he had not chambered chambered it up they were in the mag but but you know he it was a mistake to make under pressure area not for him again he has no excuse I was like I was like you know what if I had actually been a burglar MMH and that thing right away from you from now on always one in the chamber hammer back locked and cocked that's how this family rolls [ __ ] build you where you stood exactly [ __ ] me crippled be right there he probably probably would have it probably [ __ ] killed me I'd probably died right there a weaponized wheelchair no we would've been better because like if I didn't want to show up I could just write a program I think he's asleep again he's drooling all over his goddamn shirt said you're made [ __ ] yeah I'm glad he didn't shoot me I'm glad shoot me I bet that would really [ __ ] hurt yeah yeah yeah I bet or like many of the other deaths we've been talking about on the show tonight not hurt at all instant yeah if it was a shot to the chest appropriate he was saying he was cut I wasn't he was aimed like dead center mass like probably right where you're never right right below your ribcage what's that called where if you get hit there it knocks the wind out of him right am I crazy sure obvious a sternum yeah I can't think of what I were the word I was looking for but yeah it would have probably [ __ ] clipped my spine and ruined me or two bled out right there with a hollow-point 40 caliber point-blank like I'm I'm probably not surviving that this ain't the movies plus there's Kyle that's a biggest car hit the reset button rather be a take myself out because of because of my vanity

Channel: PKA Highlights

Views: 128,552

Rating: 4.9452667 out of 5

Keywords: Kyle's dad stories, Kyle Prison Stories, Kyle PKA, PKA Clips

Id: 4JnNNCRq43c

Length: 21min 34sec (1294 seconds)

Published: Sat Mar 14 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/RussianBearsEatYou]

Didn’t Kyle recently retell they dominos story with purchasing only one pizza.