PKA 400 Highlight - Story of Samson

we're talking about the Bible and I know Tucker isn't saved so hopefully this compels him so today I'm going to tell the story of Samson my mom loves the Samson is an Old Testament figure and most people think I know Samson can't cut your hair gets with Delilah Nene they don't know the whole story of Samson and strongman it's it's longer but there aren't necessarily more lessons you got to look for so it begins in the prequel stage of Samson you know going to his parents so as with many things for the Jews they did something that pissed God off and God said [ __ ] you you're going out of my presence again go be slaves to some other people and so they're sometime into that all the the Israel Israelites and Jews are really upset and just waiting for that next judge or prophet to come down and pull him out of this this muck and so one day this guy named the [ __ ] was his named Manoah we're gonna call him may know from now on for short may know and his wife were just a random poor couple a couple of Jews very poor Israelites and one day an angel came down in angel form 2 menno's wife and said hey you're about to give birth to someone who's gonna totally change the direction of this tribe and she's like oh that's awesome and he's she says yeah yeah it is now all you got to do is make sure you don't smoke don't drink don't eat any grapes nothing fermented no mixed fabrics you know that you're a Jew you know the rule she says yeah no I had it all planned out just don't do any of that and then you'll have a son he's gonna do some fantastic things angel poops away she goes back to her husband may know and is like you will not believe what happened and I'm gonna read in the NIV Bible the New International Version this is exactly what she says I'm gonna say it in Trump's voice cuz it makes sense I made if God came to me he looked like an angel of God very awesome that's what she said in the Bible she goes up says it was very awesome and the husband goes oh my god so all you got to do is like not drink or smoke or anything and then he's this kid's gonna come out good she goes yeah all right well like what do we do afterward like when the kids here how do we raise him then she goes I didn't ask him that like should we call him back second angel you can't call him back and so he he goes to the temple prays and goes please send someone else here and tell us how to raise the kid like we get it don't make a little fetal alcohol syndrome baby but after he's born how do we make sure he becomes a good dude and does all the things you want and so a few days later a man regular old looking man really an angel comes down the road talks to Maina goes hey you know the Lord pushed me to to come to you and tell you that all you have to do for your child is make sure that a razor never touches his head or any part of his body a razor isn't like shaving you know removing hair and also make sure that your wife abides by all those rules I said before and he was like okay yeah then it's not that helpful but you are just a guy you're not an angel so I guess this is how God wants me to figure it out okay whatever he doesn't know this guy's an angel he goes well at the very least let me be hospitable stay with me for dinner and the angel who's not letting on goes no I don't want to stay for dinner he goes I insist you must stay for dinner and the angel goes if you're gonna or I have a goat we'll kill the goat and we'll eat it together because I'm not gonna stay for dinner but if I do stay as you're asking me take that goat and sacrifice it to the Lord and may know is like oh oh yeah like this go like my only goat you want me to burn my own deal look around you we don't have a lot of goats we've got one go this is our food for the next month can't be filling [ __ ] our ghosts today no we have one goat like I was planning on eating this for a while but yeah I guess I'll just burn it I'll just burn it for God because you're telling me to how do you have you looked around my house have you looked on my 1-bedroom dirt floor thatched roof house do you smell salmon in here we don't have any fish that's my wife's Bronze Age [ __ ] you're smelling it's horrible in here we have nothing to eat and you're asking me to sacrifice this goat and burn it to you and so he goes he burns the goat begrudgingly and he also burned some grain with it because the Lord is notorious for kneading aside after all that is burned I think the guy just leaves they're hungry and nine months later out pops happy Sampson ready to take on the world and as with most Bible stories it doesn't talk about the childhood it goes straight to the adulthood of the character so now we're like early 20s like [ __ ] slang Samson like he's he's got long hair like a rock star and so he's oh he's fob perfect he's Fabio the picture him like that a little more matted and nasty and in a beard because you can't shave anyway and so he is no man scape yeah so he is he's trolling around this city of Timna looking for strange and he comes across this lady and he's totally infatuated with her he [ __ ] loves her and so he goes but she's a Philistine that's the problem she's not Jewish she's a Philistine and they are very much in competition with each other right now these two tribes and the Philistines are much stronger and larger and so it's not something you want to tango with and so he goes back to his family and he goes hey I found this woman I want her as my wife so I need you to go there and get her for me because that was back when women were treated appropriately as property instead of like having to pretend to care about what they say and so now they go the dad goes oh hey son you're gonna go and find someone who's not Jewish my goodness no there's plenty of good women right around here look at Rachel he goes Rachel she looks like there's a good [ __ ] Sun Dial with that schnoz no I'm not going from Rachel I'm going for that Philistine woman that sexy [ __ ] right over there and so the dad goes okay yeah I'll back that they all he goes back to the family on the way there goes back to the woman's family he's interested in in order to relay to her that all right weddings are on and on the way he's by himself a lion leaps out of the brush comes to attack him the Lord imbues him with you know that strength that he has from his hair and he tears the lion apart like with it like the way you would a goat was the example in the Bible in miraculously like if I killed a lion that would be in my tinder bio that would be in my Twitter bio that would be my permanent facebook status it would be on my on my resume everyone would know he didn't tell anyone and it was weird cuz he was a braggadocious fella and he continues on tells his woman hey weddings on I got to go back to my people grab my posse my friends family and then we'll meet you back here had the whole shindig so he heads back grabs his family and as they're moving back towards towards the wedding party which is the Phyllis they're going to the the woman's place and Phyllis time that Phyllis Tinian territory I don't know what it would be called and on the way back they see that same lion carcass and the lion carcass is decomposed a bit and there are bees swarming all around it and so Samson in what it can only be described as a an insane persons goes over to the hollowed-out carcass of this line where the bees are tips his hands into the carcass and retrieves two big ol handfuls of honey and so the rest of the walk there is eating honey out of his hands on the way to his own wedding and to set the stage this is the man who lives in the year one who has never showered he has never been allowed to cut a hair from his head and he's eating honey out of his hands on the way to his wedding this is there's never been a sticky or human being Sampson on this walk it's like it's not bad enough that you have I lived 500 years before Christ shits every day you're gonna eat two handfuls of honey on the way to your wedding you goddamn maniac and so he eats his honey it's disgusting and sticky by the time he he gets there they get there though and it goes off without a hitch for the most part like the dad Samson's dad was like pissed because he was like you're gonna associate with these uncircumcised folks but Samson like convinced him he's like dad believe it or not it never crossed the minds of these savages to bring a sharp stone to the genitals of young boys it's like ah it's horrific it's terrible I'll get over it you know and so they get over it and they have the wedding it's a nice little occasion and after the wedding after the wedding they're all sitting around in a powwow and Samson goes to the the relatives of his wife the Philistines and goes hey I'll tell you I'll tell you a riddle and if you can riddle me that I'll give you 30 outfits of linen if I you can't figure it out though you got to give me 30 outfits of linen and they're like it seems like a pretty reasonable thing all right let's do and so he tells the riddle of and I read it out of the eater something to eat out of the strong something sweet now obviously this was him talking about out of the eater the lion honey comes that sweet and out of the lion something strong you know something sweet like that that kind of [ __ ] but it's cheating you can't make a riddle based on an experience that only you know about and then expect people to understand like that's like the the self-actualization of a two-year-old where you think if you saw something everybody's seen it and everybody will get it like that's that's retardation so my contention is he was cheating from the start is my contention Sampson was he was giving an unreal in bad faith it's like playing peekaboo and covering your own eyes yeah it's like hey woody I've got an interesting riddle about my seventh grade birthday party now you know I mean the details are the you know the tendrils going out that'll give you hints like it's it's not fair and so he gives this riddle and nobody can figure it out because they weren't there and so like two days later the family of the woman go hey you got to get this [ __ ] riddle because I don't know if you've looked around but we're not exactly running a [ __ ] Courtyard Marriott we don't have linen to hand out like we took this assuming we know the riddle we're pretty good Riddler's but we don't have any linen we're gonna be humiliated and embarrassed and we're not really on friendly terms with the rest of their tribe just this family now and so she goes okay I'll go do it and so for the next five days she the the word nag is used in the Bible she nags and cries and [ __ ] for so many days in a row that eventually Samson on the last day goes yeah okay okay the answer is the lion the answer is a lion and honey inside it okay please oh my god week 1 and 20 minutes later if she leaves 20 minutes later all the Philistines come back and they're like oh Sam Soon we figured out your riddle and he's like a did you did you how did you figure out my riddle what is it and so they told they told him what is sweeter than honey what is stronger than lion which apparently was the two questions that aren't a riddle or the answer to a riddle that was to quest the ancient people didn't understand what riddles were anyway yes and so they give him that and he goes she did you cheated I just gave my wife that answer and she went and gave it to you and so Samson stood up calmly and then he murdered thirty people his bare hands he went around the camp murdered thirty people and then he left saying someday I'll get my vengeance [Laughter] Samson is terrorists at this point you know he does not take kindly to those other folks and so from there the same Jewish he killed the terrorists correction yeah he he spent some time like mulling his own [ __ ] over in the desert or whatever while everybody else goes back he eventually returns home and goes to his dad hey I want to I want to talk to my wife you guys you're your wife that Philistine woman who who lied to you and you killed thirty of her family members no when I was leaving I said I gave her to someone else like no that's not your that's not your wife anymore and Samson goes God [ __ ] [ __ ] well then I said then I definitely need to get my vengeance you know she's she's dead to me and so he does what any sane person would do he's got to get vengeance on these Philistines they're stronger than we're powerful what do you do what you do is you go into the woods and you catch 300 foxes 300 foxes have you ever tried to catch one Fox it's insanity and so just 300 foxes and then he does another same thing he takes them two by two and ties their tails together and then once he has a hundred and fifty paired off paired off Fox pairings you know very hard to manage he puts torches in the right it ties those into the tails and lights them and releases them all over Philistine territory and all of their crops and so the next morning when they wake up they're like there's a lot of burned foxes and no crops left and there's a torch and all the foxes tails and this is very methodically done a serial killers in our midst is this that terrorist sampson is this that terrorist sampson that we're all so scared of all the time with the strength of ten men and the temperament of a one-year-old and so they're terrified of samson because he just destroyed everything and so the philistines go back and they go they they go to the woman that he initially married the Philistine woman and her father and they're so mad they just burned them too probably with the last remaining pair of foxes running around and they burn those two to death and then I'm trying to remember happen here sorry its torches when you could swing two foxes or happens like a madman and hurl them but uh and after he did this after he did all the fox shenanigans he went and retreated into a cave in the wilderness and just hung out there and so after that all the Philistines like a few thousand of them are like this is horseshit we are marching to the Jewish camp of Judea and we're going to make them give us Samson so they marched over there and they go where the [ __ ] is Samson he just tied a bunch of hundreds of hundreds of foxes together and burned our crops down after killing thirty of us for for cheating on a cheat riddle of his and they go we don't know where he is frankly we'd be happy if you caught him he's causing a lot of mission he's not reflecting well he's terrible PR we're a very small tribe and he's causing a lot of mischief out there and people keep coming up to us and they go okay well we believe you we're gonna search anyway they search they all right we totally believe you but we're way stronger than you so well we're here we're just gonna conquer you know like ah [ __ ] we should have seen that coming and so they got conked right there too and so then a thousand Jews from Judea go to that cave and they go to Samson and they go we got to turn you in and Samson's like you couldn't turn me in if you wanted to but here how about this you tie me up and you bring me back there to those thousands of guys and you say we got him we got the guy for you he's right here and then I'll burst out of there and then they go don't - that's an incredible idea and then like then like Noah you can throw him a sword and Ezekiel you can throw him a shield and and Samson no I'll use the jaw of an ass [Laughter] you wanna do miss remember like we're on your team he goes yeah jaw and ass and so they take him over there bound up and they get him close enough to the Philistines and they go here he is and he gets close and he bursts out with his ass bone job and smashes a thousand of them to death a thousand people he murders with the job yeah yeah and as they're watching it Ezekiel's like well we appear quite the fools really didn't eat the sword and shield and so after he's finished massacring a thousand people dripping with blood not like in movies like Braveheart or predator where there's like drips of their own blood little bit I mean like half a second after you get out of the pool that level of dripping in blood there's a snail trail of all blood types smeared around this land and he comes back up to them and a meet and all the Jews are like frankly Samson half an hour ago we were ready to turn you in never before has there been such a political turn in an environment raise your hand if you don't want Samson to be in charge everyone wants you to be in charge Samson is dripping with blood inside he's gonna be in charge and so after that though he decides he needs a little more just to touch more vengeance and someone of the ammonites stole a goat and you know the Jewish Old Testament God is like and he smoked but now he gets the point that people are familiar with Sampson and Delilah so a little more time passes and he falls head-over-heels for this lady Delilah and she's a fox like they were like back in the day sure if they were like it was the Brangelina of the day and so it wasn't like everybody [ __ ] knew Samson was plug into Delilah and so the Philistines go to Delilah and are like hey you got to give us info on how he gets his strength because we got to get rid of this the villa's we're rightly looking for vengeance here we've lost thousands of people to this Mad Men now he's terrifying like and so they they basically convinced her to be on like a little secret agent and so she goes to him one night after they bang and she goes Samson what gives you all your strength and he goes well if they'd only known to tie my hands with seven unused bow strings they would have never had that problem I would have been as weak as any other man and so during the night she tied his hands with four unused bow strings woke up two or seven I'm sorry seven unused bow strings and the Philistines are there waiting ready anticipating picking him up and he wakes up bursts out and murders a dozen or syllable you know this time in self-defense fair enough and then I guess they go back to bed being like why I oughta you know Delilah the next day he tells her this rinse and repeat you know why why would you lie to me last night and he doesn't ask why'd you try to have me murdered and captured he just goes with it cuz he's an idiot and he goes all right well if you use like brand-new rope that'll get me they've only ever used used rope on me that's why I can burst out and so they do that once again bursts out and the twelve anticipating and terrified our group [Laughter] and so he murders all of them then I guess Delilah once again gets off scot-free the next thing raid my hair in this way I'll all be helpless so she does that the third group of a dozen or so pilis teens stand up he's like I'm not even tied up this time and then finally she Badgers him enough that he goes my hair my hair is the source of my strength if you cut it off I got nothing Jesus Christ will you shut the [ __ ] up like Samson has terrible choice in women but it's good to see something's never change so the next day he's sleeping or the next night even next evening he's sleeping she snips his hair off then the Philistines come in and he stands up to fight him and he's just a normal dude now he doesn't have his superpowers God said I'm only interested in lustrous locks you know I that's all I meant for and so they come in they pin him down they immediately gouge his eyes out and blind him and so he can't be a threat anymore and then they drag him off and they give Delilah all sorts of sweets and spoils and so then they take him blind and beaten in a regular man and they put him on a grain mill where you're just Walt like what they would use donkeys for like you're just pushing this thing around and around and around and he does that for months and I guess everybody forgot let's give this guy regular haircuts because a couple months later there's a big Philistine celebration much similar to when we caught bin Laden like like they're all in this big beautiful building all the Philistines there's 3,000 people on the roof and all the elites underneath and they say bring out Samson bring him out bring out this murderer this murder and they're jeering at him because everyone there has someone they know who's been murdered by this animal and they put him up throw stuff at him and they go God get out of here and he collapses you know his hairs gotten a little longer and he stands up still blind and he goes please let me lean up against a pillar and so they put him up against a pillar to lean there and he summons God it says god with my last act please let me bring this down upon the Philistines so he puts one hand on one pillar one hand on the other and he uses his last bit of strength and collapses it and murders another 5000 well this is the story that I use to guide my entire life just yeah Tucker wasn't a believer before that story no now that story I was like I'm bored and then it's just Samson yeah he really just kept going huh I wonder I wonder if after about seven thousand murders if he felt like he had gotten revenge for them cheating on the riddle yet somebody would cheat on this riddle yeah if there was ever a if there was ever a time to think man the Bible is what a wonderful story that could be animated made into yeah now I want to see an animated Bible series that and Joe pretty sure it was oh was it it was a movie the live-action movie I saw it I don't want to light out remember quite you made up for that you made up for it it really came to fruition I enjoyed it thank you and I hope you learned something

Channel: WoodysGamertag

Views: 126,788

Rating: 4.8738136 out of 5

Keywords: commentary, woodysgamertag, mail monday, motivation, inspiration, pka, painkiller, already, podcast, diy, vlog, blog

Id: 1Up8Qz5USxE

Length: 23min 40sec (1420 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 21 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/SamLovesMilfs]

Haha Rsk 4 life

[u/ilikegamesandstuff]

Is Kyle the guy from FPSRussia?

[u/Its_Black_Jesus]

r/owls is leaking.

[u/Carrabs]

Holy shit the Old Testament is crazy. I’m with the dude at the end saying he’d love to see an animated Old Testament series that illustrates just how insane it is

[u/EscapeAndEvadeSteve]

Hey RSK

[u/FatherAb]

This is so fucking enjoyable.

[u/RetroRhino]

Crazy to me that PKA is still going I remember when the very first one came out, I listened till about episode 200. But 400+ now?? Wild

[u/JTPri123]

Honestly they should just do more of these.

[u/thatsnotirrelephant]

could save us some time by just jew bashing for 3 min