Taylor Tells The Story Of Moses

do you guys want to hear about Moses oh yes and the story they're in now quit you come from a heathen place far far away where you don't follow the Scriptures so there was some of this the scriptures of the Lord the Bible and [ __ ] I'm just being a dick yeah so this is a very long story so I'm gonna have to abridge some certain parts I mean I know Moses you know of Moses okay so you know you know who he is so Moses was a Jew and he was born a slave in Egypt and right in his generation of being born the Jews were proliferating so much in Egypt that the Pharaoh at the time was like there are way too many Hebrews being born if they decide to revolt we're kind of up shits Creek because we've had him here for a couple hundred years and they're really starting to multiply so what we're gonna do is we're gonna kill all the firstborn males that are under like two years old and so he sent the soldiers out to pretty much every little Hut everywhere starts killing all of the little babies pulling them from their mothers teat all the rest and Moses his mother is like [ __ ] I can't let this happen so she takes some tar puts it around a a wicker basket and then puts Moses in their hands the basket to her daughter Moses his older sister and goes go and put this in the Nile River quick before the guards get here we can't let them know so she runs over to the Nile puts its Moses in and then kind of hides in the reeds and watches and before too long you know dodging crocodiles and hippos and whatever else was there in olden days makes it to a bank kind of get stuck in some reeds near the palace of the Pharaoh and the Pharaoh's daughter comes down seized the basket curious picks it up opens it up sees a little Hebrew boy in there and she's like oh my god so cute so cute and so she picks up the baby goes back to the palace and she's like dad dad can I keep it I know last night literally last night at dinner you were like we gotta kill Davila Hebrew boys but what is one one little baby do you gonna do please can I keep it please please please please please please please dad please all right you can keep the one baby Jew but that's it no more she goes thank you so much it's all I ever wanted and so they raise Moses as an Egyptian Prince but of course Moses knows the whole time as he's being raised you know you are a Hebrew that's who you are but we're raising you special and so on and so forth and so Moses be kind of given better jobs so while the rest of all the Jews and Hebrews were slaving away building pyramids or whatever they were doing he was kind of like an overseer and one one day out there on the work force he was overseeing an Egyptian slave master berating and disciplining one of the Jews and this slave master got so out of hand that he beat that Jew to death and Moses lost his mind and proceeded to go into like a blackout beats that Egyptian to death and he stands up and that Egyptians dead meanwhile like his fists are bloody and he's and all the other Jews standing around him are like Moses the [ __ ] were the ones who are gonna pay for this dude like you're in a good enough place like we're in trouble Moses like I get it totally my bad but I got a piece cuz I'm out of here like they're gonna kill me and so he starts going into the desert trying to get away that's where the burning bush story happens I'll tell that very quickly comes across the bush the bush brush goes Moses hey it's me oh no it's just God you guys hole all right and and the bush goes Moses I put you in that position for a reason you got to go back and release them from slavery and Moses is like they're gonna kill me and gods like kind of implying like I'll [ __ ] kill you and so he's like alright well those are two sure things at least the Egyptians I might be able to sweet-talk so he heads back he goes back and meets up with Aaron his brother and Aaron's kind of his like right-hand man prophet kind of dude and so before any of the plagues and all that start happening he goes up you know up front to the Pharaoh and they get into the chamber and everything and God had told Aaron hey throw your staff down in front of the Pharaoh if he gives you any guff and he'll be very impressed by what I'm about to do to that staff and so they get in there pretty cocky pretty confident and Moses like hey God told me you got to let all of the Jews go and the Pharaohs like ad why'd you even come back Moses first of all and second no eat [ __ ] not a chance no way and so Moses gives Aaron like a sideways look and Aaron throws his staff down immediately becomes a mighty serpent a big snake on the ground slithering around the throne room and the Pharaohs like frankly that's pretty cool so he summons his wizards and his warlocks or priests or whatever and he goes hey guys can you guys do the thing where you throw your staff on the ground and it turns into snakes and they go oh yeah yeah that's pretty [ __ ] easy so all like 10 of them throw their snakes their staffs on the ground and all of them termina into snakes too and the pharaohs and you know so everybody's got a snake on the ground snake matrons yeah snake Makery and so Aaron's snake eats all of their snakes and then the Pharaohs like that's all well and good but this was not a who can make the bigger snake competition this was just a who can make snakes with magic competition so I'm not convinced eat [ __ ] I've got way more magic men than you and way more sticks to turn into say this and so Moses and Aaron leave humiliated you know it's like they got the pants so they go out there and God tells them upfront he's like hey I know that I knew that trick wasn't gonna work you know I just sent you in there to like you know bill set the stage but I'm going to spend a series of plagues upon the people of Egypt and I will harden the Pharaoh's heart so that he will not agree to anything after any of them until all of them are complete and Moses and Aaron are like why would you tell us that why would you let us know that no matter how good a Salesman we are now like you're you're gonna keep him from saying yes until the very end like you why would you pull the wool whatever you know because obviously they're not gonna be as good a Salesman if they know it's gonna feel no matter what so he tells them all right go down to the Nile slam your staff all dramatically on the water every bit of water in the Nile and in every pot every pan every clay jar in all of Egypt is going to turn to blood and so he goes down there slams the staff immediately everything is bloody except for what the water that the Jews had that's totally untouched and so starts to smell really bad after like two days and so they go back to Pharaoh and Pharaohs like honestly this sucks I am [ __ ] thirsty like and I've had nothing but blood for two days and so Moses is like alright well are you willing to let us go and Pharaoh goes one sec real quick a magic man wizards can you turn water into blood and they go oh hell yeah and so they turned some water into blood Pharaoh immediately goes [ __ ] that was a waste can you guys turn blood into water well I promise I will let you go if you turn all this blood back to water and Moses goes oh hell yeah swings his magic sword it's magic staff rather all of it back to water Pharoah immediately goes ha you fell for it no absolutely not eat [ __ ] so they go back and God is like don't worry I knew that would happen to Moses is like this is gonna be this is gonna be a trend Aaron God goes alright next go strike the Nile again with your staff and I will summon forth a horde of billions of frogs and they're all gonna just wreak havoc and they're like but what are frogs gonna he's like silence you will do the frogs slam the river immediately billions of frogs start jumping out and they weren't just coming out of the river like people like Egyptians were like sitting there getting their rice out of their [ __ ] pot or whatever and frogs start jumping out of there and after another two three days of frog so you know everybody did some gigging had a fun time the first day but you'd only do so much and then after that they go back to Pharaoh and they go are you getting tired of the frogs yet he goes honestly I have an enormous Palace and I've just paid people to stomp on them as they try to get frankly Ted head wizard he showed me how to make Freud stop making him now Ted there's enough so he I can do that too not that impressed but once again my wizards don't know how to get rid of frogs do you know how to get rid of frogs and he goes oh yeah yeah you guys alright give her the and I promise I'll let you go Moses waves his staff all the frogs okay this is an interesting thing kind of like in Skyrim where you run out of magicka and you have to wait to recharge God used too much of his magicka to create all the frogs and so he wasn't able to just suck them back into oblivion he just killed all just all these frogs died and so the next couple verses in the Bible are like and they swept the frogs into piles of rotting amphibians and so then immediately the Pharaoh goes eat [ __ ] no no no my heart feels hard all the sudden no and so they go back I'm gonna lump plagues three and four together because there's [ __ ] ten of these flakes three and four we're not original one was gnats and one was flies and they both basically happened the same way where God tells them do this you know hit the ground and every motive dust will turn into a flea that will be leaping it'll look like Woody's carpet you know across the whole land the whole land of Egypt and that's what he did and then eventually goes back into the throne room goes hey you impressed and he goes no all of my magic men have been making fleas all morning to show they can but we don't know how to get rid of them and so swings his staff all of them go Pharaoh says eat [ __ ] no you can't leave again and so then they go back to God and God goes alright we're about to turn this stove up to medium and they go can we just can we just go to high we just go to high because at this time they don't know the future but they do know that God is obsessed with round numbers and the number seven and so like an Aaron and Moses is talk they're like this is either going to seven best-case scenario worst-case scenario ten you know so just keep keep forging through so the fifth one is he goes alright Moses slam your staff on the ground and every single animal that Egyptians own is going to die all of them they're all gonna die except for the ones that the Jews own and so he does that all of their animals die goes back in there and goes hey you noticed anything about your entire economy Pharaoh you yet it's destroyed it's crashed thousands will starve millions will starve we have no more animals and they go yeah that sucks and then he goes alright we'll bring all our animals back to life and then I'll let you go and then they're like actually that's one that we don't know how to do that back and he goes alright well then [ __ ] you get out of here sends them back again then God goes alright they've been very uncomfortable in their lifestyle but physically they haven't felt the burn so Aaron I want you to walk down to the Nile grab some fine sand on the on the beach of it toss it in the air and everyone in Egypt will be stricken with boils and so throws it in the air everyone in Egypt has boils terribly and after a couple days of the boils shows back up at the Pharaoh's Palace goes hey all of us Jews are looking fantastic out there nice olive skin looking good you know noses for shade everything's going well and he goes well for me it's been terrible you know Moses actually asked he's like hey where's where's all the magic men where all your magic men and they go well actually they got hit extra hard with the boils so they called in sick and so they did their magic men are out like they can't they can't compete anymore with this Pharaoh promises him that he's standing in front of his throne because he has so many a spoils it's it's impossible to sit he says I promise you guys I promise you I'm in my head I know I'm gonna say you can go as soon as you get rid of these boils I promise and then the boils are removed by Moses and then immediately Pharaoh's like ah like I want to say you can go but the only thing that I my heart is so hard like I don't know what's going on I'm trying to hear listen to this I'm trying to say yes you can go no you can't leave did you hear that I'm trying so hard to say I guess you guys can't go I I literally can't and of course Moses and Aaron are like yeah because you're getting [ __ ] with by our God he's kind of a [ __ ] and God already told him at this point hey the only reason I'm keeping this charade going is because I need people in the future to be able to look back and go man the Jewish God does not [ __ ] around like and clearly he doesn't like Moses should have went up there and been like hey this our God who's on our team made us cut the tips of our [ __ ] dicks off before we could join his club what do you think he's gonna do to you he's gonna butt-fuck you about you and your people but as soon as the boils are gone God hardens Pharaoh's heart again and said and Pharaoh is forced to say no I can't I can't I can't let you go and so then he goes God goes alright you need to go back to the Pharaoh again and tell them to tell every Egyptian that there is a hailstorm coming the likes of which this country has never seen and anyone who is outside who's Egyptian when this storm hits tomorrow is will die all of the remaining animals you had if you have any will be struck by lightning or hit with hail and most of the Egyptians were like dude this guy's six for six so far so I'm staying in tomorrow but a couple cocky ones were like Oh what does he know Osiris will protect us and so they're like out there like trying to get their animals back up hailstorm comes everyone is outside dies like these are you know Moses was telling him up front he's gonna be like cantaloupe sized you know hail and they're like what's that he's like out [ __ ] like a fruit and and so after two days of that goes back in Pharaoh was like this is ridiculous like my entire country's collapsing like everyone I've lost hundreds of thousands of people people are starving to death please please leave just stop this storm stops the storm and like a switch once again God like hardens his heart and Pharaoh goes now you can't leave can't leave no they're like are you sure Pharaoh and he's like like in the eyes of someone in the movie who like has their mind controlled he's like no you can't leave no doing that kind of [ __ ] very [ __ ] up very very [ __ ] up and so then goes back again to God goes alright what do you have for him now what can we possibly do and God goes locusts locusts I'm gonna send locusts on them and Aaron and Moses are kind of like that's your third I'm confused in this because it seems like four times we've already destroyed all of their food right like we kill them all with this we kill them all with that what are we doing other than creating craters for us to walk through on our way out of here what's going on you guys I obviously that part didn't happen in the Bible you don't talk back to the Jewish God and so locusts come frankly a lot of the Egyptians are probably happy to see him because they could eat something you know suddenly these frogs we're like bring the frogs back like that again but they ruin all the rest of the crops hundreds of thousands of people are starving goes up to the Pharaoh says can I can we go now Farrell wants to say yes so bad gets rid of it Pharaoh can't say yes god forbids him from saying yes he hardens his heart so then he goes back again the ninth one which was basically the way this like climax worked is that God was like building like stroking himself getting near climax and when he got to the hail that was like edging yeah you know where he was about to come but he couldn't finish there he has to get to the round number and so then he had to like ease himself off a bit with the locusts and then the ninth plague which was darkness where he just makes everything dark for three days straight day and night total darkness the only light is a beacon from heaven on the Israelites area where they are because they're still untouched they're hunky-dory good to go a lot of resentment from the neighboring Egyptians though and so after three days of that you know Moses has to stumble back into the palace he goes hey we can't even Pharaoh rather goes hey we can't even grow the crops back because there's no light please turn the lights back on Moses turn the lights back on Moses turns the lights back on only to see Pharaoh sitting there this Ryan is going again idiot sends him back out there any and he says no that's so he goes back out there and then God gods ready to climb X by now he's ready to come his wrath all over the people of Egypt and so he goes back and God says hey we're about to amp this up it's number ten all the firstborn children of every Egyptian will die all the firstborn animals of every Egyptian animal will die Aaron and Aaron and Moses like doesn't they haven't been any [ __ ] animals and five like they're gone and so-and-so comes back there's like way too many verses of God going to to Moses and saying all right need to make sure the Israelites get this kind go to get this kind of sheep do this don't eat the bones make sure you put the right amount of blood on the threshold of your door and so the point of that is that God was going to send the angel of death to come into Egypt and anyhow that didn't have blood of a 1 year old male pure lamb or goat on the top and sides of the doorframe anyone who had that would be passed over that's why it's called Passover for the Jews you know they're celebrating not being murdered by their vengeful God and so Angela death goes through murders every single firstborn child in all of Egypt the way they describe it in the Bible is that there was not a home in Egypt where someone had not died every house in Egypt that because it didn't matter like like if you're 50 years old but you were the oldest of your kids you're dead yeah you're dead like if both your parents were firstborn sorry little Egyptian boy you're dead like your parents are dead and your older siblings dead and so it describes the wailing for a while in the Bible and it says it was a wailing unlike anything that had been heard on this earth before a wailing a gnashing of teeth and for the sadness that these people felt and yeah and it wasn't the elite of Egypt every Egyptian from Pharaoh to slave because they had more than just the Jewish slaves and so some poor poor [ __ ] from Babylon who was also a slave it's like oh no not to my kids or like back and they're like about to enter the palace again and Pharaoh like comes out on his path is stupid or whatever and it's like get the [ __ ] out get out of here now and they're like are you serious are you for real this time nope takes his back seized he's like yeah for real get the [ __ ] out of here but what Pharaoh had forgotten is that he was not only dealing with God but also with Jews you said well before we get out of here we're gonna need some gold and some sugar [Laughter] you know make sure we're comfortable and he's like whatever dude whatever everyone give give him whatever you have give him all the silver and gold ahead get these [ __ ] cursed people out of here out of here so they all load up in all their [ __ ] and they head off into the desert and that's where this chapter of the story ends prior to the whole Red Sea thing yeah so that is a very abridged version of the Bible and it's mostly true because there were no Jewish slaves in Egypt no I'm saying according to the book it's pretty true I act it - the Bible is one of my favorite things about Taylor Bible time is that later on a couple weeks from now maybe even a couple months I will get a call from my parents who fact-checked it tell me like yeah you know what it wasn't that God was edging in about to come during the sixth plague like I remember you described like like I don't know why they mixed up his yo goat hair with my mama's like he was a very hairy guy I retailer diddly did exaggerate that quote enough or whatever but yes wait to hear my mom try to take that apart and tell me where you went wrong I I've seen the movie have you seen the movie exodus' gods and Kings so they they attack the situation of Moses in in two ways where it's the religious people they go oh it's God has done this and then you have the scientists which go well technically if you take all the frogs away obviously there's gonna be a lot of flies still alive stuff like that yeah it's pretty interesting at first I thought you guys were like pulling a prank on me with this whole Bible talk is a tadpole topic around to you I would never my few times that I've been on PK we have never experienced Bible talk oh it's highly requested requested topics not to Jack myself off I'm a huge fan of it because because like after you hear a ridiculous story like that you have to stop and remember that there are billions of people who believe this and willing to back you are willing to kill and die over over over these facts and again like you care about like reality just just know there were no Egyptians in bondage in Egypt ever and if there were they certainly didn't build any of the pyramids or the structures there were never slaves right that's that's what the the scientists and yeah you know it was professional artists highly paid craftsmen who actually constructed the the things you see in Egypt all of the the the the pyramids and such being you could tell that by not just the quality of the craftsmanship that this was a housing but also the housing they lived in the food that they had available the implements you know everything down to the the quality of the pottery that they had in their domiciles you know these were well-paid artisans of their time who created those woodies Mama's gonna go through and in fact check me more important than the facts of the plagues and he actually didn't slam his staff down there Wow the actual thing to talk about in that story to do with the religion of Christianity or Judaism is that the Lord repeatedly and continually forced the Pharaoh to harden his heart you can't give someone freewill and then force that what it was is like you know when you're dominating a game of sieve or Age of Empires and Queen Elizabeth is like oh please let me retire with some dignity and it comes up as yes or no and you know like that's the fucked-up part about it really is as far as like Christian canon is that God directly intervened changed the ability to make a decision thereby infringing on his own gift of free will in order for his own McCobb story to play out it's like when we used to play interested when we used to play call of duty for and we'd be destroying someone in domination man the game is about to end so we let them capture two flags so the game will just keep going on for a while and we can exactly that's exactly God God is a hateful fourteen-year-old Cod player apparently who just likes playing with his food yep he's a Old Testament God's a real piece of [ __ ] rough customer right mm-hmm I mean you'd add the one before didn't like big is it lot Locke let his daughters get raped maybe yes well yeah but but then he went ahead and [ __ ] him himself so I'm you know you know decide which which of those situations is more arousing well he was drunk was a pretty devout guy it's interesting that he was so devout within a city of those who were so the opposite it's almost as if the story was completely made-up and meant to be a parable that's know I'm pretty sure it's true oh yeah you're right yeah yeah I like whatever history I like whenever some like historian air quotes is like we believe we found the city of Sodom and the city of Gomorrah unless it literally says Sodom on like a big placard that you found outside this [ __ ] like likes like ye olde Sodom like Sodom house of sodomy and more like no you just found an old [ __ ] City they got that that's been abandoned and destroyed or something like that I hate that so much remember what people were always finding the ark are not the ark but the Noah's Ark yeah Noah's Ark they found the ark like four times in my teens yeah one story one of my one of my good friends still good friends his mom was like super religious right so she would go to church and then the pastor is like you you're not allowed to wear jeans you can only wear like dresses and stuff like that and she's like okay and it does it right throws that all her jeans and then he comes over and he goes hmm your son yeah that computer of his it's a demon isn't the devil's inside of him demons are inside of me she'd like believe it was like so what do I do with his computer and he said give it to me make sure that the demons they go away from your son and she would come up to me and be like Geordi like you you know there are demons in here you don't go to church I'm like listen let it was a 1450 and I'm like I don't believe in any of that stuff you know I respect you believing in it and you know I'm down to have a conversation but please show me any any proof any proof that any of these stories that you just told me is actually real and I will research it and and then obviously I'm super open to actually believe in something and she goes and links me this shady article on like Yahoo News of like Noah's Ark has been discovered in in in Syria or something like that and I'm like what it's just like it's it's not it's fake it's it's like her you know how how boats made of wood stay together for five and a half days and then the story ends pretty funny will sat at the same time and she she realized at one point that she's like well the sun's like why wasn't my computer back in and she's like well okay I'll ask for your computer back and then it turns out that the pastor obviously sold it and cashed in all the money and was doing it to like 20 30 other people and then she's like [ __ ] this [ __ ] before I go did she move away from the church because of that experience god - or just the church I think she's still religious but she does she's like wears jeans now again so

Channel: PKA Highlights

Views: 131,702

Rating: 4.8665748 out of 5

Keywords: PKA, pka taylor, taylor proves the denver airport conspiracy, pka clips, pka podcast, pka highlights, painkiller already, taylor bible stories, pka bible stories, bible stories, christian bible stories, Best of PKA- Taylor's Bible Stories

Id: MzCqCv5bMlM

Length: 28min 29sec (1709 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 20 2020