Taylor's Best Stories 2

my freshman year me and a bunch of my friends I had in my dorm had like a man uary where we didn't shave or a No Shave just November ok understand whatever it was and it was one month of that and we all had like a beard competition see who get the longest to follow us we like categories was fun and I want well I didn't have like a beard growing out most the time like I just kept it pretty cropped and so I grew out a pretty good month beard and won the little contest and they're like we were in the bathroom like shaving and a couple girls were taking pictures and [ __ ] and in there like the funny shapes they're like Taylor it would be so funny if he went to our class cuz we all had the same class right afterward if you go to our class with the Hitler mustache today that would be hilarious and I was like you know what [ __ ] it like yeah like that's pretty funny people will be like look at that guy all laughs basically this mean well and I went out like and I was maybe like wow this is so this my dorm was maybe half mile from this building like a diagonal line just across the street and you're there and I made it like way between and I was waiting at the light with the hundreds of other students who had come by the way I had a thing where I was like I need to get to this class on time I hate going in late even if it's a big thing and so my friends didn't come with me they didn't mind being late and so they were back there and so I didn't have anybody with me do you like the nice like man that's so funny it's so funny that as a lark you shaved that I think you believed but I didn't have that guy and so I was just this guy standing and there being like well now I cannot go back and shave it I'm gonna be late so I'm just gonna I guess it in the back I don't know and so just walking across getting eyes you know more like curious that like like what the [ __ ] people will be in like her most days bro people in college campuses to yell it out and so I just go the remaining walk pretty much acting like okay have a nose [Laughter] last sit in the very back don't talk to anyone don't look at anyone take my [ __ ] like boring ass whatever class it was and then left and immediately shaved it and my friends didn't even come to class so [ __ ] them it's it's a whole new semester you you're back there like this Taylor what's wrong you aren't taking notes I feel like I might sneeze any minute one of the guys two of the guys I was doing that whole contest with actually were Jewish but you run into some [ __ ] Israeli exchange student out on the the green and the next thing you know he's Krav Maga Maga oh I had a real uncomfortable thing happened to me today that I know has probably happened to somebody before but it's never happened to me is I was I was in an office building taking a [ __ ] it was like a big building where there's like lots of different bathrooms it wasn't like I went into one area but there's just one stall it was like a public bathroom and I went to take a [ __ ] and so I was in there and there's nobody in there so of course I took the handicapped space and as I'm in the middle you know actually no I'm wrapping up I hear the door open and I hear the sound of wheels and I'm like must be a janitor or something you know how they'll walk in sometimes and like wielders [ __ ] in and be like Oh somebody's using it and then they'll leave and then I noticed a from there second I'm like that sounds like it sounds like an electric janitor scooter or something what could that possibly be and I I was sitting in there and then like I saw the sound got closer and I saw the shadow of wheels underneath where I was [ __ ] oh no and I was like I don't even know what to do like I can't leave here in an empty bathroom and be like now I was just [ __ ] where you need to sorry I just I didn't want to be in the other one this is only one stall no no and so I looked under there and then I started hearing like a like a struggling noise he had started opening the stall adjacent to me the small one for non crippled folks and so he opened that and I was like at this point it's been a about like 15 like I've been done [ __ ] for like a minute and I'm waiting for him to get all the way in there it's so I can like try and make an escape and and he gets like what I think is all the way in because I look under and I see like okay there are shoes there they're standing so I don't know what the deal of that is like this guy you know and so I start to open my outward door can't open it his chair is there and now I'm looking through a gap at his chair and all I can see is his him standing in the stall struggling like a crippled person would trying to get it worked out and I eyes literally before he could turn back around ice ice linked my body like through the gap and like quick walked out of there and was just like sorry and has just left he couldn't even double proved you were not crippled it didn't belong to that's but I couldn't even face the poor guy like I just had like a meek I'm sorry as I didn't even wash my hands I literally left and was like I'll deal with e.coli hopefully that's not my own [ __ ] that would be a wake-up call but uh-oh there was I felt so bad usually uncomfortable situations make me kind of laugh like but now this that was there's a lesson to take home is those aren't just comfy spaces for you to poop they actually make those for people who need more space to who knew is this gonna stop me is this gonna stop me in the future no because I like my Power Grip like I like being able to really force it you take a wide stance I take a wide stance I actually I put both my feet up on top of the toilet bowl like this and then I just [ __ ] down into it a lot of splatter a lot of spray a while did you know that that's true they're meant to squat and so really we make fun of China and India for being you know a couple thousand years behind and we should but because our way is better but it is technically the way you're supposed to poop where everyone knows the way they pick those people that you were seeing the cream of the crop like those are his hands picked yeah hope does it now at Hearst no the bet I have a story where I the person who usually did that like ambassador to the school whatever that goody two-shoes kid like hope who does very well in school they picked me to replace him one day because they asked me doing this because I won't say because Michael isn't here today to do it no I was like fine whatever like I'll do it so you basically get a kid for the whole day where he comes in and stays a whole day at the school and looks around so it's it's almost like you get to skip class a little bit cuz you can make stuff up and be like well we're gonna leave about ten minutes early cuz we got to make sure we get there to make sure this new kid you know he's the priority so I got a kid from Kenya and he spoke English all right showed up he was adopted by parent I don't fully get it missionaries apparently just go to Kenya and then they hold tryouts and then they pick the kid who wins and adopt him and bring him back to the US and I guess this kid won the competition like this six winner and he came in and they're like Taylor you need to show him around and taken to all your classes all right and so I I didn't have any experience with it so he was asking me questions that I didn't have answers to like and what what is eat the time to boot Etha if I do not bring my lunch and it's like it's fine man like you can you can just go down there and then they'll give you some lunch like I'm sure not they're not gonna make you pay it's no big deal like I understand and it's like okay I don't know if you do but we're gonna keep going rolls around and I get in line he's behind me as far as I know just standing behind get all my stuff get my food and I have like the two vouchers or whatever for me and him cuz I got my lunch for you that day for being a good Samaritan and I turn around to find him and this kids [ __ ] gone and I went to private school and so I could pick out a black face back there if need like I should have been able to be like poke gotcha come on it's a really nice guy but I looked back and he was [ __ ] gone and so I backtracked went through the whole line this weave couldn't find this kid and I looked around the entire lunch hour first being like God like I told him to stay with me by the end of like the 45 minutes I haven't eaten I can't find this kid I checked all the bathrooms I was just looking around the school desperately and I didn't want to go up to the whatever lady runs this [ __ ] and be like hey you know how three almost four hours ago you told me to water since I botched it my bad I'm so sorry I didn't want to do that so I looked around skipped my next class just walking around trying to find this Kenyan kid who nobody had brought back in yet and I found him at the tennis courts no tennis ball no tennis racket he was just sitting on the tennis courts and he told me it was because it was a really nice day and y'all going to appreciate the little things yeah but it was like dude like you almost [ __ ] me here my main concern losing you and you're just sitting out here on the tennis courts like he didn't he didn't even look over and have a look of like oh you know oh you found me it was just kind of like oh he's here as well now we're both oh he was lost yeah he didn't know he was lost he was just enjoying it but I didn't ever do I never got asked back to do wait it and going to the school so I guess I was pretty good you know like I guess he just thought you could walk out to the tennis courts whenever so take a break I had never taken a dick pill in my life and last night I was coming home and me and my girlfriend were I knew she was coming over to make dinner and we're gonna hang out and I was like you know what I'm taking a dick pill and I'm gonna see how this goes because I've never had a problem getting a boner rings I'm a young guy and so I'm like man this is gonna push me this is gonna make me like like Thanos was when he got all the special gems or whatever you know snap my fingers and that pussy's destroyed here's what tell you like that right you're up yeah yeah Taylor the white and so I took one and like maybe an hour hour or two later we we start fooling around and it it was it blew my mind how quickly after initiating any sort of [ __ ] not even just [ __ ] just any kind of foreplay your your heart it's not your dick does not you know how usually when your dick gets hard you can like watch it and like it's growing out and everything its Thema patient trying to make a big blow up a balloon it's exactly it's it's going out and it grows and then it flops up and then it you you know you know then it sticks up and whatever this it's like fast-forward times 10 it's just you are erect instantly and you have the hardest [ __ ] boner you've ever had in your life oh I was like sitting there like Kyle you've known about this for how long and you didn't tell me to get on dick pills you should have been no you know what you told me a couple times you should have been much more emphatic but how much more harder and my should have pounded that message in Kyle well we [ __ ] goes fantastic and I finish and usually you know you start to go down a little bit after after you come now blue chew you don't with blue chew if you want to you don't even have to like do the the refractory period of like go down and come back up you can just I just I just stayed hard yes it wasn't like all right I went from a hundred and ten percent with my blue chew down to like a normal bone or after the first comp no stand and loud and proud brother he was he was as hard as he'd ever been I couldn't be happier with blue chew cheers if you let these guys get away I swear to God I need more like total packs all right those promo pecs it was super good my dick was so you know I've heard and this is just a rumour mill this is what Bill Clinton used so he was able to [ __ ] that horrible woman that's right that's right that's his wife you're referring to Hillary Clinton boy yes definitely not the innocent interns yes they should they had Bob Dole back in the day advertising but they should have gotten hey you know what before I had blue Chu you know I was I was putting rubber bands around the base of my dick hoping to get hard enough to shove in that stanky hole she has a my good eye I'll take for one blue shoe and I tell you I'm going all night you know I still have to put a hairpin close been on my nose but yeah you know and so I couldn't recommend a tire but the spirituality thing made me think of something so my girl and I were watching a movie and she gets spooked and I don't think I've said this in the show she gets spooked at like spiritual demons and exists and yeah and I we were watching this spooky we're in a scary movie kind of fix right now because she gets very scared by them and it's kind of funny to me I only get scared by like the serial killer like really spooky like someone might kidnap me and torture me or something and she was getting scared by the conjuring or something like that something supernatural and she was like I wanted to get up and go to the bathroom and she's like will you walk me to the bathroom and I'm like it's 15 yards that way you go to the bathroom I'll pause the movie and she's like I'm scared I don't want to go there there could be demons or something I'm like demons aren't real we've talked about this none of them there are no goblins there are no ghouls nothing's gonna happen and she's like yes there are they're totally real I know they're real and I was like no they're not watch Satan come into my heart come into my soul use me as a vessel Lord Satan I invite you in all arnis [Laughter] come on in Satan there's room for one more I'm gonna be so successful apparently I'll be great looking like come on let's have some fun here you haven't traipse around earth for a while what a better body so she did not know she was a she was not as high on that on the comedy of that as I was when she came back in the bathroom you totally should have been having a seizure just just flipping the [ __ ] out and then they come true and just walk them just to freak her out a little maybe grab when those kettlebells you know like pretending you're gonna smash her or do be doing just like Gregorian chants or something she's in there you know any Latin that would be the time no Semper Fi I got a good senior trip one so what they did is they would have like they rented out like a YMCA kind of thing it wasn't a YMCA but you get the idea like a community center and the whole senior class would like the lot it was like a lock-in and you just kind of go wild in there whatever they had like parents and teachers like to like make sure you didn't get too out of hand like weren't vandalizing and that same guy the [ __ ] poop bandit didn't do any any poop related things on this trip but he the worst of all he kept sneaking out of the lockout to sell cocaine in the parking lot of this YMCA he was a reasonably big drug dealer so sneaking out to sell cocaine to people he was doing a ton of coke all they was there just like puffs like somehow that's why so much [ __ ] he was constipated he was suddenly [ __ ] he didn't couldn't control himself a lot of cocaine and they had us big bouncy castle and people were like enjoying it like of course people showed up drunk and whatnot and they're just in there doing whatever and he just for no reason at all just like went up like behind the bouncy castle no one could see and it just stabbed it with a knife ruined the fun for everyone for that and they had like all these like games and things were like guys horrible I know it was this big another balloon kind of game and it was two lanes big lanes that you could run through and you would strap on this vest and a head and like a almost like that thing that heroin users used to tie off attached to your back and see the balloon in the back and the vest was made of velcro and you try and run as far as you could and then when you stopped it would shoot you back and you'd stick to the velcro thing and I guess like after people have like a little bored of that and went on and did I go we'll come back to this later he just went over and just cut those two things for no reason just all he did the entire and they had like prize baskets and they're like how does this prize basket end up in the toilet in the men's room did you everybody know it was him how many people knew he was guilty at this point we already graduated and so just what falls out just reckon stuff and it doesn't matter I mean it was this kid or another kid that another kind of like goofy [ __ ] up but when we all got diplomas where it was like you graduated and blah blah blah and like great for you his said thank you for participating at X school like just thanks for coming did they say that on stage please tell me they're like in congratulations to jackass for participating thanks for participating on Coke I can like see myself and your pupils right now and everyone else's says like congratulations on graduating or yeah you know that they had to like talk to Kinko's or whoever like yeah we all of them like this and then we need to like this just put a big middle finger on there just trace mine and put that in the background I got a good [ __ ] story I almost wanted to save this one for PKA but this can be a patreon exclusive so I went fly-fishing I've mentioned that before with my dad this past year and it was just us two and the guide and it was just this dude in his truck he picked us up drove us to Eastern Oregon and did a whole day of fly-fishing we got there I get out and I felt like a rumbling in my stomach in the car on the way there and I was like oh you know just weather this storm and get through it and then you can hold it till you get home tonight and so I got through it thought it was gonna be okay we're fly-fishing for like three hours then we go to have lunch and he brought some like sandwiches that were soggy and gross and so we were sitting there eating and I was I just suddenly got the urge of like if I don't get to a bathroom I'm gonna [ __ ] my [ __ ] pants right and this guy's waiters I told him I'm like I really have to go to the bathroom can you drive me to that outhouse 3/4 of a mile away and I just met this guy I just met this guy my dad I'm the guys like yeah yeah sure you want to wait so we're done eating and I'm like no right now I need you to get me in that truck and we need to drive there and my dad's like alright I'll wait here we start walking up there and I got so much closer to this guy than I should have for a day of fly-fishing where I was like honestly man like like keep in mind I just met this guy he's just showing us how to fly-fish nothing for two and a half hours I got a man like I don't think I'm gonna make it like gee would you mind if I just went and shat in the bushes right there just went and took a [ __ ] he's like honestly dude it's it's like three-quarters of a mile down the road here I think you can make it I get up to his door like the car door about open and I'm like dude like is it right there is it right over that hill he's like it's right over that hill my car and he's like you're good I'm like I'm shifting in my his truck seat I'm like I'm not gonna make it like I'm not gonna make it he pulls right up to this outhouse just right up to it I get out run over just destroyed this little public park outhouse there's no door on it it's facing me so he's just like pretending to be on the phone [ __ ] Oregon where he has no service and so I'm just [ __ ] there there's no toilet paper so I have to take off the waders is I'm like sitting there with a just swamp ass poopy butthole and take off one of my socks and just make do just like put it on my hand like a mitten [Laughter] throw it away just have a wet foot the rest of the day it was [ __ ] and then the ride back was the most uncomfortable thing of my life where I got back in he's like you feeling better I'm like oh-ho yeah you know how it is we didn't like he would come up behind me and like show me how to cast later in the day and it was almost so uncomfortable of like we you know what I've done I've eaten dog food before when I was like eight I think I might've told this story okay tuna casserole which I [ __ ] hate tuna casserole well I I don't like any kind of casserole really ever since I was a kid it just grosses me out like eight and my dog had a bowl in the corner I wanted to show my mom how much I really hated her [ __ ] casserole and I wasn't gonna stand for it anymore goddamnit and so I snuck around the corner to where I could see her cooking it and I just started eating dog food from the dogs ball ate the entire bowl of dog food so when I sat down she was like Taylor you're gonna eat something you're gonna have some of the casserole I'm like nah I already ate a whole bowl dog Taylor that's disgusting and my dad was laughing like well he already ate you're really not gonna have any casserole i slaved over this for you and you eat dog food instead that's a great kid did it work yeah I didn't have to eat casserole I already fill up on dog food but I mean like going forward yeah yeah Oh like she really didn't make that anymore cuz she knew I would say Kenny

Channel: PKA Highlights

Views: 75,834

Rating: 4.9162607 out of 5

Keywords: pka podcast, painkiller already, pka taylor funny, pka taylor stories, Taylor's best stories, pka taylor's best stories, lorkappo, pka highlights, murkadurka, murkadurkah, taylor murka, fpskyle, pka clips, pka taylor clips, woodysgamertag, painkiller already clips, painkiller already highlights, pka podcast highlights

Id: iOJAd-hRDzE

Length: 23min 8sec (1388 seconds)

Published: Sun Jul 05 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/duipauldui]

Not from America, but I thought you can’t own guns if you smoke weed?