Supercut: Judith Is the Ever-Popular Ex-Wife | Two and a Half Men

I'll just say I cannot take my eyes off of that Ren I know when I first saw it I thought it was as fake as the orgasms I used to have when we were married that's true very unsatisfactory lover but I mean what woman could say no to this I can think of one can you think of one Alan what's going on oh nothing I'm just glad that you were there to pick up the pieces after Lindsay turned down Allen's proposal what you proposed to her before me uh well well technically what oh you didn't know this is awkward open mouth remove pie insert foot so I'm your second choice doesn't matter who was second you were the first to say yes I will be the first to say yes to seconds of this pie you are unbelievable no no the important thing is that we found each other again and and you're willing to settle for me and I'm willing to settle for you settle for this oh I'm a good friend you know I will tell you what uh I will bring you the check uh when I pick up Jake I I I promise okay okay bye-bye you got to pick up Jake why cuz I don't have her money it's in candi's mouth and and and candi's car what about the treasure Treasure of this shandre over there this this is nothing one car payment and maybe a bikini wax bikini wax girls got to keep those up it's a landscaping issue you just got to buy me some time with Judith what are you going to do with more time you can't sell your blood your ex-wife already took that and if you sell your sperm what's the point in dating candy well for your information I do have other options like what well I've been looking at uh part-time work and uh I have some very promising auctions on eBay oh really what are you auctioning well a few rare books a couple of lithos set of golf clubs since when do you play golf uh well technically they're your clubs you're stealing from me oh come on you only bought them so you could go to Palm Springs and pick up lesbians perect perfect just perfect Judith I know what you're thinking oh I'll tell you what I'm thinking I'm thinking your brother's a weasly little coward who doesn't have the guts to face up to his responsibilities whoa whoa there's a little more to this than meets the eye oh really and I suppose you're going to explain it to me I'm going to try if you'll calm down for a minute and listen all right I'm listening are you calm I'm listening okay you know why Alan's not here because he's ashamed well he should be Judith that's not listening he's ashamed because no matter how hard he works he just can't seem to get ahead you know his business is falling apart don't you really he hasn't said anything because he's too proud poor guy lost all his Chiropractic walk-ins to an unlicensed massage paror that opened up right between him and the Jaa juice I'm deadly serious who's going to pay to have their spine adjusted when for half the price they can get their thing is dusted well I wouldn't know about that as it turns out I'm a bit of an expert and I'm telling you he's going under oh my god did you know he took a part-time job no but you didn't hear it from me and please please don't say anything to Jake the last thing Alan wants is to look like a failure in the eyes of that little boy in there of course not I I won't say a word thank you hey where's Dad just go with Uncle Charlie why is Mom crying because I'm good I'm very very good now remember if you want to drive Grandma's car again you can't be telling her about it I know or Mom or anybody else Daddy doesn't need the grief that was really cool dad thanks yeah yeah it was hey it just occurred to me if Greg's here we can ask him about going out on the boat no I'm not going to ask Meg about hey hi Judith uh here he is safe and sound oh hey honey hey mom guess what we just did what nothing in particular that's a a kid's joke nothing in particular he's he's been doing it to us all weekend so we uh okay bye uh Alan um Alan ask about the boat uh listen next weekend uh yeah yeah I I I know you and Greg are taking Jake's scuba diving uh no uh that's the thing Greg and I have decided not to see each other anymore so if you haven't made any plans you can have Jake oh oh yeah yeah I'd love to have him and and I'm I'm sorry to hear about you and Greg thank you I is there anything I can do yeah you can wipe that smirk off your face okay well uh well bye bye she broke Alan yeah peephole ah [Laughter] well you don't have a fever I told you he's fine let's go Charlie he threw up in your umbrella stand did you miss that so Vegas is full of people who throw up they built that City on a sea of vomit I'm okay I can go that's the spirit you really want to drive 5 hours through the desert with a puking kid in the back of your new Mercedes he can stick his head out the window let the guy behind us worry about it we're not going oh come on it's probably just something we ate all right what have you eaten in the last 24 hours well let's see two bowls of Cocoa Puffs uh a couple of blueberry poptarts bag of shring cheese that reminds me we need more shring cheese then for lunch a Hot Pocket and a bagel bite then dinner fried chicken mashed potatoes and a baloney sandwich okay it's not what he ate then for a snack I had a glass tang and some Cheetos that explains the orange vomit it's probably some kind of stomach virus oh please I throw up all the time it's just Nature's way of saying everybody out of the pool I'm putting him to bed come on they have beds in Vegas what if he needs a doctor they have doctors in Vegas I bet if we looked around we could find a casino with a hospital theme you know Caesar's C ey or something I'll get it hello hey Mom fine nothing oh yeah I threw up in Uncle Charlie's umbrella sand we're going to Vegas [Applause] no what kind of a father are you hey I am a good father the minute he threw up I canceled the trip but you were plenty to take my 11-year-old child to Las Vegas it's really a family town now the mob hardly has any influence at all anymore oh good Charlie that helps when were you planning on telling me about this trip what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas Mom oh good Jake that helps honey why don't you go lie down why I'm fine Uncle Charlie is it too late to get our beds down with cpop what beds who's coup go lie down you're delirious [Applause] [Music] [Music] alen Allen yeah what you got there uh facing brush chocolate sauce rubber gloves you know what we're going to use them for no neither do I Charlie I have never had sex like this before in my life in fact I I don't think anything I've had prior to this can even be called sex because if you call that sex we need a new name for this um my suggestion would be hoot Nanny yum yum I'm happy for you me too oh uh uh do we have a step stool hallway closet thank you might want to pace yourself yeah right oh boy what oh boy hey dogs oh hey Hey Jake Alan here I need you to sign these papers for Jake's summer school H summer school again why not he's getting good at it oh my Lord who is that he's my handyman really I've been looking for a good handy man well it's a little soon to know how good he is I'll find out I'm starting to see a trend [Music] here that bony [ __ ] yep definitely a trend summer school three years in a row they might as well just make you the janitor oh well school sucks that's because you go year round imagine if you had a couple of months off in the sun if I were you I'd start teaching him how to throw sawdust on vomit I can do that why don't you just go start your homework what what's the point I'm already going to summer school Jake and if I flug there what can they do send me to regular school go actually that sawdust job might be a pipe dream is the big one gone yeah she went to get something waxed we were scared to ask what I just wanted to tell you I was El to save you some money on the Redwood oh that's terrific how my cousin he works at a lamard and that's all you need to know well thanks no problem I'll get back your work I like this guy of course you do what's that supposed to mean Charlie he's a younger version of you oh yeah that must be it I'll get it there you go he could be a door man Charlie I really don't appreciate I'm not saying right away he could work his way up from door stop upop what is your problem you are my problem what you want to are they fighting oh they're not fighting they're discussing I'm a child of divorc Dad I know the difference a selfish hateful person uh maybe you should go to your room it's my birthday ironic huh hi everybody sorry I'm late actually Rose you're right on time here's 50 bucks take Jake to the arcade and don't come back to your out of quarters okay come on Jake cool so how was the winning oh it was a circus goodbye Hy have fun you were always a cheap [ __ ] and you haven't changed oh I was the [ __ ] Miss technically I'm still a virgin uh girls girls that that's no way to talk ever since we were kids anytime I loved something you had to take it away from me but you will not take away my ex-husband you love me what no I'm trying to make a point here Judith if I wanted Alan I could have had him a long time ago what the hell does that mean you never told her told me what oh well I mean it's no big deal really um it's just that uh uh before I asked you out um I asked uh uh Liz [Music] out you lied to me if I had said yes you never would have done dated him so I was your second choice no no no um chronologically yes but in my heart you were always first but in reality you were second and you never told me this well you can kind of see why you know this wouldn't have happened if you were twins okay F you always wanted Liz go ahead here's your chance give her your little adjustment and maybe while you're having a good time with my sister I'll have a good time with your brother back pardon oh don't be quiet with me Charlie you know we've always had sexual tension between us really I thought it was just regular tension come on I've seen you looking at my chest you looked at my wife's chest I am a guy I will rock his world Alan I swear you're bluffing oh am I watch me come on Charlie come Alan she's bluffing Charlie are you sure trust me she hates you trust me that doesn't always stop him come on Alan I'll show you where it hurts um uh clear something up for me uh Chiropractic adjustment that's just a euphemism right right so we're really going to do this uh-huh wow I thought we were bluffing [Music] okay we were bluffing us too okay homework's taken care of he's taking a shower uh you may want to check in on him in a few minutes make sure he's not goofing around in there where are you going oh uh I have dinner plans really yeah hard to believe huh I didn't say that I'm happy for you well thank you and again I'm I'm sorry I overreacted the other night I really do want us to have the kind of friendship that can be you know mutually supportive me too you'll go out I'll go out right so is this someone you've been seeing for a while yeah a while um but you know not exclusive I don't want to get side down oh oh that must be Camille she picks you up well what can I say it's a new world [Music] Judith hey Yow wow you are so good for my ego hi Charlie hi Camille hello I'm Judith you're Alan's ex wow I I didn't expect you to be so young looking thank you I mean you have such beautiful skin for the mother of an [Music] 11-year-old thank you okay well we we should get going it was nice meeting you uhhuh I just hope I look half as good as her when I'm that [Music] old I'm betting you will man I don't know how he does it I made a big play for her nothing She's So Young yeah some guys like that I got to hand it to you Judith you were very mature about the whole thing I guess that's because you're a very mature woman yeah thanks Jake say goodbye to Mommy she's going home how did this happen how did I blow another marriage oh sweetie you can't blame yourself although you are the common denominator Alan I'm 40 years old how am I ever going to start over again I know I know and soon you're going to be 41 do you have any idea what it's like to try and date when all the men your age are only interested in 25-year-old hard bodies you can't blame us well of course you can't compete hard body to hard body but you're still a very desirable woman you think so well of course I do for your age you're a very [Laughter] just hey Charlie I got a question for you yeah the hotel I'm staying in has pay-per-view adult movies uh-huh whatever happened to pubic hair on the way of the dodo bird my friend I mean I can understand it with the ladies but what's the deal with the fellas it's like with an ugly house a little Shrubbery helps the curb appeal I don't have an answer for your H what about you you trim the old Hedges yeah they're shaped like Disney characters two more bod konics [ __ ] a doodle do hello hello hello allow me to introduce myself Dr Herbert Melnick ooh a doctor Dr Charlie Harper wow two doctors Maybe may we should let them examine Us in the interest of full disclosure I should let you know I'm new to the dating world and still have all my original pubic hair oh Alan why did I ever let you go well if I recall it was something about me sucking the life out of you oh I was wrong I was so wrong you're a good man and and I'm never going to let you go again never never never ever morning what was herb doing here oh he [Laughter] uh he shaved his pubes and passed out in your room you might want to change the blade in your razor nice dress bite me okay mayet me in the coat room listen after the reception can you take me to the airport you're flying home tonight yeah I thought we had something going here we did and now I'm going home okay maybe I can come visit you sometime I don't think my boyfriend would like that very much got a boyfriend he's more like a fiance you're getting [Music] married why didn't you tell me you were engaged I thought it would be awkward awkward [Music] you may be seated oh we we really shouldn't be doing this why not they broke our hearts uh yeah but I'm kind of over it I not hang on hang on hang on maybe we could go out for coffee first or or a movie Alan is this going to happen with you or without you with me here how's that work the institution of marriage is not one to enter lightly so we pause at this time to consider the depth of that commitment oh Alan Harper you animal I can't believe you have let you go oh God Alan Harper oh god oh don't stop Alan Harper please don't stop oh Alan Harper I Feel Like a Woman again I'm alen Harper and I'm not having [Music] sex want to get the door herb stop yelling at me I am not yelling this is yelling you know what this really isn't that funny oh hi ell Charlie her hey is this a bad time the Spanish Inquisition was a bad time this is Hell come on in so what's going on little pre-wedding Jitters we could call it that but we'd just be sugar coating hell don't worry as soon as Judith puts on that beautiful white gown starts marching down that aisle she doesn't want to wear white says it makes her look fat oh well well that's nice she she wants to look trim and fit for the honeymoon you're sugarcoating hell again Alan hey when I help the guy stop talking and smother him with a pillow oh great there's the Blushing Bride she doesn't look fat at all go ahead give me the check what check oh uh well I I figured as long as I was here that I would give you your last and final alimony check got it what the hell are you doing just a little souvenir I'll go find Jake see she's being a good sport let's get one with the big check don't forget the big check foret the check so um you know uh I I I read an interesting story the other day uh married men live on average 10 years longer than single men what if they don't want to come on you and Judith were meant for each other what could possibly come between you my sister you got a sister yeah I'm Charlie she came out a few days early to help with the wedding but it's not really helping what' she look like Charlie she doesn't have a therapist does she Charlie I swear to God so what do you think should I wear it or have a vet check it for worms oh it looks fine oh Myra this is uh judi's first husband Allan hi so how does this work do you get your original testicles back or does my brother give you his Myra the castration jokes are getting a little old not in my house oh this is alen's Brother Charlie oh yeah the booze rdle s bag she did not hear that from me it's okay now like it's a big secret Myra where the hell is Jake how should I know because I asked you to get him ready to go to his father's you also asked me to try on this satin stool sample her tell your sister it's a lovely dress herb tell your fans that diet pills are affecting her judgment but not her ass that's it she's got to go I can't throw out family and that's the [ __ ] of it herb hey hey you know um uh Charlie and I were thinking of taking Jake out to a movie we were we were Mara would you like to join us you didn't say anything about a movie I wanted to surprise you hey you know what that's a great idea go to a movie with alen and Charlie can I wear my pretty new dress get her out herb hey look what I found in the bushes [Applause] yeah check this out you can pick your friends you can pick your nose but you can't pick your friend's nose you know who told me that I can guess Uncle Charlie and you know why it's funny because it's true yeah yeah have a nice week dick bye dad Bye Mom can I have my allowance I missed you too sweetie thanks for dropping in by um Judith hold on do you consider us friends I consider you my ex-husband I know but putting aside for the moment our Loveless marriage and messy divorce we always had a certain camaraderie am I right Al can we talk about this some other time I'm having people over for dinner oh oh really anybody I know Sandra and Howard oh U no kidding can I say Hello I'd rather you didn't why not Sandra and Howard are my friends too in fact I introduced them to you well why don't you call them sometime and invite them to your house this is my house those were my friends the fact is you're having my friends over for dinner in my house yes Ellen that is exactly what's happening well when I'm right I'm right hey dick it's Allan how's it going buddy oh good good uh listen you maybe want to catch a movie tonight oh oh really you and Raz are at Judith's too interesting so in addition to my house half my money and my self-esteem Judith got custody of all my friends no no no I I don't want to take it up with her I hi Judith no no I'm I'm I'm not trying to ruin your party in fact I I've got a little party of my own Allan come back to bed I'm cold you're right there baby uh I got to go Judith bye well that's a new personal low this brings back memories huh shut up slipping in Judith amniotic fluid guess this will be pretty funny someday pretty funny right now H hello little help here ding ding ding hold your horses I'm Dr Harper Melissa what are you doing here I work here I had to find another job after you know for the last time I did not have sex with your mother excuse me I'm having a baby here yeah and I think I broke my ankle quit whining herb the doctor's on his way the contractions are about 8 minutes apart oh let's get you to pread I'll sign you in and have an orderly take you upstairs no no no no I'm the father I'll do it bad idea her come here Judith everything's okay God my arm I'm coming Judi stay down champ it's now your night hey Judith Alan's at work I know where Allan is I came to talk to you me but you don't like me I don't I like you Jake's fourth grade class was given a simple assignment draw something interesting you see around the house one child drew a record player another drew a parrot my son Drew this a woman's behind with a butterfly tattoo on the right cheek I'll have to just act surprised I asked him where he saw this he said in Uncle Charlie's Kitchen well you got to admit it that beats the hell out of a parrot Alan Lindsay maroy I love you you are my world I want you to spend the rest of your life with me and Walden you're kidding right I'm engaged to Larry but that's not fair I if I hadn't stopped at that gas station to poop I would have been here first Alan don't maybe this will change your mind oh Alan it doesn't matter what kind of ring holy crap that thing's huge that's what she said I know not the right time what do you say I say I'm marrying Larry but why he loves me not as much as I do he has his own house I love you I'm sorry Alan you really think Larry can make you happier than I can I think I made the right decision you made your bed now let's have sex in it Alan goodbye all right Universe 82,2 24 55 Alan hi Judith what are you doing here oh God what did Jake do please tell me the Army didn't let him drive a tank again no no no nothing's wrong with Jake well nothing new wrong and what's going on was everything okay it's just that I've been having a really rough day and I needed to see a friendly face and you picked me there's that friendly face I'm sorry why don't you come on in I just opened a bottle of wine thanks wait you don't need money do you no not at all okay good oh my God oh my God uh you remember uh Jake's seventh grade science project wait which seventh grade second time um uh he wanted to study how different foods would make his fart smell oh yeah he ripped one in tupperware seal it and label it to this day I still remember brussels sprouts most parents make their kids eat vegetables we made ours stop right and then he got rickets oh it's been a crazy ride hasn't it hey can I ask you something oh here we go how much no no not that what's wrong with me oh Allan I don't care around a list of your faults my therapist says it's no longer healthy I'm serious I mean it seems like every relationship I've ever been in I've screwed up no look a marriage doesn't fail because of one person screwing up I screwed up two marriages oh yeah yeah you're right you're a you're a two-time loser at least I have Walden I mean you got nobody oh we're being honest now Herb's penis is bigger than yours forgotten how good you are at this I have missed you I mean you know not the constant verbal abuse that left me a [ __ ] shell of a man but we could always make each other laugh oh you could never find my GP but you could always find my funny bat I'm just kidding I've missed you too more wine I I better not I have to drive I have some more wine oh maybe a splash oh oh my I uh hope this is a good driving wine oh that that feels good I'm glad have you been working out oh just the bow Flex I uh had to give up my gym membership so I could get my tooth filled well whatever you're doing it's working a lot of definition here oh oh that that would be this one oh yeah there it is would you like some dessert oh oh don't go to any trouble no it's no trouble sweetie I like taking care of you and I like being taken care of wake up wake up um uh listen Judith I I've been thinking about you and me me too oh oh oh good you know even though the other night was wonderful and all I I I think it might be better if we tried slowing things down a bit I agree you do of course I'm barely out of my marriage to Herb true true you're careful hot pudding so uh you'll get the divorce and then you know we'll see where we are that sounds great well good I'm uh I'm glad we're on the same page I told you it was hot hot hot hot have some more fine that's better that's better I'll get your spoon oh oh God now pudding okay I guess I'll give you a call all righty that would be great sounds good looking forward to it by now SW hey Alan you know how to say please go faster in Polish funny language isn't it yeah hilarious uh apparently the earthquake hit Sherman Oaks a lot harder than Malibu what earthquake what earthquake about an hour ago you didn't feel the house shaking oh unbelievable you actually thought that was you no I thought it was her you know because of me well the good news is unless they reported on polish TV I still get the credit I'm thrilled for you anyway Judith called a pipe broke in her kitchen and soaked her living room carpet and she's completely freaking out yeah well that's the difference between wife and ex-wife with ex-wife you don't even have to pretend to care well I'm sorry but I can't be that callous have you even tried she's still the mother of my son I'm concerned about her welfare and I told her she could stay here until the repairs are made whoa whoa whoa whoa back up back up when you told her she could stay here did you have like a sarcastic chuckle in your voice like you know yeah right Judith you can stay here it's just for a couple of days oh a couple of days Jack the Ripper just killed a couple of prostitutes it was still wrong what do you want me to do put her in a Hotel yeah put her in a hotel put her in a Space Capsule put her in a catapult and see how far she flies Charlie I can't do that to her again have you even tried she's afraid there's going to be another Quake yeah well what about what I'm afraid of what are you afraid of oh let's see large birds small bugs unplanned pregnancies and your ex-wife living in my house come on Charlie she's just a small frightened woman there are no such things as small frightened women that's a myth perpetrated by the large angry women who secretly Run the World be that as it may I think it would be healthy for Jake to see that his mother and father are capable of living together as friends oh Alan grow up as long as he's got pizza with cheese in the crust and TV with 150 channels he doesn't give a rats ass what you guys do not I think about it neither do I that had better be a big pregnant bird covered with spiders it's real mom you understand my skepticism sure and this is $12,000 yep the 10,000 you gave me plus your profit I don't know what to say how about I'm proud of you Alan well done I'm proud of you Alan well done I knew you had it in you at a boy let's not push it okay well uh again thank you for helping me get my business going I'll see you hold on yes since you seem to be on a roll what would happen if I didn't take my investment out and maybe threw in another eight to make it an even 20,000 20,000 is a lot of money and as you're aware all Investments carry risk darling if you cut me out of this I'll kill you what can I say you're in Allan has one L how dare you nice to see you too you go behind my back and talk my husband into giving you some kind of business loan herb told you of course herb told me we love each other we love each other so much she went through my checkbook not to worry I am very pleased to announce that your investment has paid off that's your original $115,000 plus 20% interest you're welcome can I see wait yeah what if we don't want to cash out whatever do you mean reinvest this and add in the next six months of your child support hold on now that money is supposed to be for Jake oh don't be so naive you want it or not sure if you insist well see you bye I'm thinking somebody owes somebody an apology I'm [Applause] sorry unbelievable you ask for money and they just give it to you and then you take the new money and use it to pay back some of the old money but they don't want it back and they give you more cuz they're greedy greedy greedy greedy oh god what have I done what are you guys doing here it's your weekend to have custody of this hello uh Judith I told you I'm a guest here I can't just bring my kid over without asking so ask bye Judith Judith wait Judith she left the car running dad all right all right uh all right don't move don't don't come in the house just stand right there but I really have to okay how am I going to play this dishonestly Walden good news I just got an email from Bridget we're going out to dinner tonight oh dating the ex always good news oh hey speaking of broken families and good news um do you remember my son Jake uh yeah nice kid with a big head yeah I like him uh and he liked you too um so much so that he decided to drop by and say hi where is he oh he's waiting outside I I told him you can't just come over to someone's house unannounced I'm not I do it all the time yeah but you're a handsome billionaire people are always happy to see you I also told him there was no way he could sleep over why not you wouldn't mind why would I mind hey no reason he's a great kid you need to keep in mind that it's not like the old days I am a guest here you mean like the old days when you were a guest here I was not a guest right cuz guests eventually leave Charlie was my brother he loved having me here wow denial isn't just a river in South America Africa what about it never mind just just behave yourself while you're here fine have some privacy now oh well that actually leads me to another thing um see bir's got my room now yes no no it's just temporary I'm not sleeping with my dad when you go to college you'll have a roommate yeah but it won't be you come on it'll be just like that time we went camping I was 10 and it was the worst weekend of my life hey I didn't enjoy it either but it's a father-son Memory we'll share forever what are we going to do sleep on the same bed no I'll get the air mattress out of the garage that you'll sleep on no no yes all right all right forget about it look look okay I will pack up our stuff and we will go back to Grandma's fine don't come crying to me when she starts driving you're crazy I won't remember at Grandma's you got a piece sitting down so there's no splatter I'll manage and that's how you pee anyway I'm not bluffing Jake I believe you all right I'll sleep on the stupid air mattress good three more seconds and I would have folded damn my God Alan I can't believe you're sleeping with Lindsay mroy you're sleeping with Lindsay mroy my man how could you do that yeah how don't leave anything out it just happened I mean her son and Jake are friends which is how we met and we you know hit it off you don't sleep with your son's friend's mother no no you marry his pediatrician he's got you there sweetie you know there's a rumor going around that Lindsay was in a softcore porn movie before she got married really which one I don't know but I've been checking Cinemax every night for months oh I love their stuff it's classy right a little story nice lighting you never have to see the guy's junk what is wrong with you I don't like seeing that stuff either Charlie would you like some pizza no thanks I'm kind of on a health kick didn't you tell me he quit drinking he actually thinks he did hello oh hey Herm what's up really right now hang on are you sure wait wait Lindsay mhm never mind you're right it's her okay her thanks great great have a nice shower boy she sure does like the whipped cream why not I don't have to give you a reason dad I got my Learners permit but mom won't let me drive her car just because they give 15-year-olds Learners permit doesn't mean they're ready to drive please I've been driving for years Grand Theft Auto 1 Grand Theft Auto 2 and I never ran over anybody but pimps and crack horse Jake sorry crack prostitutes go get started on your homework afterward will you take me driving we'll talk about it later when just go to your room I'm available now go man if I had knew how to hot wire a real car I'd so be out of here well thanks for bringing them by I guess yeah uh if you need to reach me herb and I are going to Laguna Beach for weekend getaway oh how nice taking the baby are you insane I said getaway herbs lucky I'm taking him I see so uh so who's watching little Milly my mother ooh are we sure that's a good idea okay first of all there is no we here and what are you implying I'm implying that there might be better choices for a babysitter than a woman who has a sandwich named after her at the Betty Ford Clinic she's three years clean and sober all the charges were dropped and she's great with Millie all right all right I hope you don't mind but I gave her your number in case there's an emergency I don't mind so uh how is the baby anyway fine good good Jake showed me some pictures I got to say she doesn't look much like you and she certainly doesn't look like herb don't go there Alan go where I'm not implying that someone other than herb could be the father even though that someone did have unprotected sex with you approximately 9 months before the birth of a child that looks suspiciously like that someone you get that I'm talking about me right honey if we want to beat the traffic we really should get going oh hey h hey herb did you hear Judith and I are spending a romantic weekend in lagona I said weekend herb that's all okay fine no romance but sex is still on the table right just get in the car oh can I drive no why not she gone so joanny what grade are you in second oh really uh I have a little boy who's in fourth so I uh I I don't know I thought it' be Germaine to the conversation wow doesn't matter how old they are you still strike out you know Joanie you are just as pretty as your mom so I bow to the master hold on let me finish all right I'm going to say this one more time real slow so there's no confusion you can take your damn money and stick it up your whitebred country club Tournament of Roses lipos suctioned ass hi hi really I'm garbage uh is Alan here really oh is that right well I got news for you lady the term is white trash do you know her NOP that's a new one he Judith what are you doing here Ellen I told you yesterday I was going to visit my parents dad's having another colonoscopy and if I'm not there I'll have to watch the video I'm sorry there's just been a lot of stuff going on yeah I just met your brother's latest stuff why do you assume it's his stuff what is it yours no but it's not his either but it could be says who says your ex-wife okay I really don't need to hear this job have a good time H Charlie behave yourself what about me I am completely capable of having my own stuff hi I'm Joanie hey I'm going to go play in my room can I come with you whatever if he can just keep that attitude for another 30 years he's gold I'm not afraid of your lawyers or your shrinks fine bring them on cuz you know what we're going to run away and hide yeah now they're really unhappy with me is there anything we can do oh thanks you've already done so much I just hate to put you out like this oh oh it is not a problem we have plenty of space uh you and Joanie can stay in my room and uh I'll bunk with Charlie you know Charlie it would be nice if you took a little responsibility for Jake's problems she's right Charlie me what did I do well you taught him how to gamble you brought strange women into the house you taught him how how to curse in Italian you're drinking such a bad example hey hey let's get one thing straight I taught him how to curse in Spanish okay well Jake and I had a wonderful talk and now I'd like to speak with the grown-ups aren't you coming in Charlie no I'm still trying to find the toothbrush in a tree here oh is this Uncle Charlie well I definitely you want to talk with Uncle Charlie thanks a lot well please make yourselves comfortable okay well um Jake and I had a a very nice little talk I invited him to share his feelings with me in a confidential non-threatening context and after hearing everything he had to say I must tell you very frankly now who am I kid and I got nothing that's it $150 an hour for I got nothing it's 107 75 but that's not really the point now is it what did he tell you well he claims nothing's bothering him he claims there's nothing wrong but when I probed just a little bit he told me to bessame me kulo you see Spanish hope you're proud of yourself Charlie hey he's not a sulky little jerkwad cuz he learned a second language soon what my son's been living with only because she threw me out what I have a right to be happy speaking of which did I leave that girl at the house shut up Charlie don't tell me to shut up calm down I don't even know what he's doing here I'm trying to keep your kid from turning into a neurotic Basket Case like my brother hey hey maybe then won't Mar because even cows know words can hurtt kind of gnawing at me mhm well this friend of mine your friend yeah a friend it's your money Charlie okay okay is it possible that that I could be gay without knowing it why do you ask well my my brother's got this friend and we're talking $7 a minute no no no no no this friend's real he's gay and apparently I triggered his gayar well I can understand that you can you can let me ask you something Charlie have you ever had sex with a man no no absolutely not all right I CED a feel once but I was drunk and he had breasts hey is Jake ready Jake your father's here he'll be right out good so uh how have you been good and you good no come here I'm so proud of you thanks what did I do oh Alan you don't have to hide anymore Jake told me all about you and Greg and I just want you to know I completely support you oh oh gee Judith him in the car gee he's cute hello oh and that must be his daughter I can see why Jake has a crush on her yeah yeah we're taking him to the movies oh this makes so much sense I can't believe I didn't see this when we were married see what oh come on all you picking out my clothes your neat fetish the show tunes the sex there was no sex exactly all these years you were so miserable and look at you now you're glowing no no wait hang on a second the the reason that there was no really I'm glowing mhm to think all this time I've been blaming myself cuz the marriage didn't work out no I'm pretty sure you've been blaming me it was nobody's fault Alan I'm just so glad that you finally accepted who you really are hey Dad hey buddy hey Sophie you boys are so cute with your double dates listen J I almost forgot your mother told me to tell you that she's behind you 100% when did you talk to my mother well after Jake told me I called her why we had a little bet it's not important byebye I mean okay I do care about my appearance plus I've got mother issues and a bit of a flare for interior design you know sconces throw pillows brick a Brack but when it comes to penises I am pretty clear that the only one I want winking at me is my own who are you trying to convince Here Charlie me or you you and then I want you to convince me why do you need convincing wow good question thanks once in a while I get a little wood on the ball I mean it has been suggested to me that all of my womanizing is just my way of overcompensating and who suggested that uh mostly the women I was overcompensating on top of well this is a very interesting area but I'm my weekend by Jay Harper grade five Mrs Flanigan's class Woodward Avenue Elementary School located on Woodward Avenue I'm not counting words oh good my weekend starts in Friday when my mom takes me to my dad's house which is actually my Uncle Charlie's house who is my dad's brother making him my uncle his name is Charlie which is why I call him my uncle Charlie anyway even though my parents are divorced they still get along pretty good hey buddy hey Dad hey jth how's your week just fine bye honey Bye Mom he thanks for bringing him by oh bite me alen what the hell went on here last weekend what are you talking about when I brought him home Sunday night and served him dinner he tipped me with a $25 chip from Caesar's Palace and told me I had a nice rack uh well you do that's not the point where did he get the chip where is he learning this Behavior here hey Judi looking good run away run away did you give my son a $25 chip no I did not give him a $25 chip happy he won it fair and square you couldn't run away I don't care what you do during the week but on the weekends you need to remember you are a role model for an 11-year-old boy oh that's a bad idea who thought of that I'm warning you Allan things had better change around here there will be serious consequences legal consequences got it got it goodbye gave would be serious consequences legal consequences I don't care what you do during the week but on the weekends you're a role model I enjoy talking this way as do I hey Judith Charlie have you said derogatory things about me to Jake no why did you want me to I don't understand why he's behaving like this ignoring me avoiding me acting like I'm the enemy but you get why I'm doing it right I got it well Judith I don't know what to tell you he's certainly not getting his attitude from us absolutely not it's your mother you talked to her hell no I talked to her last time choose you for it oh once twice three shoot odds you got to talk to her no hey but you said I lied leave a message at the beep big I I I wish there were a better way to deal with Mom there is but we're both too pretty for jail what what [Music]

Channel: Two and a Half Men

Views: 75,484

Keywords: twoandahalfmen, tv, funny, charlie sheen, two and a half men, jon cryer, alan harper, charlie harper, walden schmidt, ashton kutcher, conchata ferrell, holland taylor, evelyn harper, jake harper, angus t jones

Id: wNJ_i4grR-c

Length: 60min 46sec (3646 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 12 2024