All right. The calendar. Yeah. What's J.M.C stand for? Nothing. Oh, come on, John Mellencamp Cougar. No. Jumping. Methodist. Cougar. No. I give up. Well, if you must know, it stands for Judith's menstrual cycle. Get out. No. Look. This is when Judith and her broke up. And this is the day that I had sex with her. Dude. You need a better hobby. Judith is now five months pregnant. Oh, yeah. Right. She's probably in that sweet spot where her boobs are big and cushy, but her ass is still normal. It is almost certain that I am the father of Judith's baby. Are you still grinding on this? What if it's a girl? I always wanted a daughter. I finally get one and some other guy gets to be her dad. I feel like the universe is playing some horrible practical joke on me. Wow. I lost $8,000 playing poker. I have no idea where my car is. Threw up in my mouth three times and I'm still having a better night than you are. I don't expect you to understand. You don't know the joy of being a parent. Of watching a part of you grow and develop. Blooming into a fully formed human being. Oh. Four times. Hi. Hi. Jake, your father's here. So how are you doing? Good. Over the morning sickness? Yes, Alan. Uh, by my calculations, probably about a week. Ten days ago. That sounds right. Good, good. You have a nice break. Till the. Till the old hemorrhoids come calling. Jake! Are we going to talk about the elephant in the room? What elephant? Come on. You, me, the baby. I mean, we did have unprotected sex. You were on- Shut your mouth, we did not. Yes, we did. Read my lips. We did not have sex. Oh. Hey, Alan. How goes it? Oh. Uh. Fine. Herb, uh, how are you doing? Proud as a peacock. Did you show him the sonogram? No. Oh, you should see her, Alan. Her? So? So it is a girl? Yep. One fresh faced little fetus. Sans wewe. I always wanted a sans weewee. Well, you can't have mine. No, no, of course not. Hey, want to see how we're decorating the nursery? He doesn't want to see the nursery, Herb. Sure Herb, you going with mermaids? Little girls love mermaids. Oh, actually, I was thinking little ponies. Little ponies? Yeah. Why? Oh, gosh. Little ponies have little penises. Really? I didn't notice that on the stencils. Let's go take a look. Okay. I'm ready. Oh, I'll be right back. I'm just going to go see the baby's room. He never wants to see my room. That's because your room is a pigsty. I didn't ask for a reason. Alan. Buddy, I'm getting a little concerned about your drinking. I don't have a problem. Well, I do. You're swilling my good stuff. Here. Have some old Walmart. Thank you. What's this? A diary I kept during Judith's pregnancy. Jennifer. Jocelyn. Jasmine. Jolene. Some of the names that we picked out in case Jake had been a girl. Oh, man. Can you imagine him as a chick? Woof! Yeah, well. That's not how it turned out. Think about it, though. Every weekend, me, you and a big ugly girl with a bad haircut. I'm going to have a daughter, Charlie. Okay, okay. First of all, you don't know it's your kid. All we know is that when Judith and her broke up, you nailed Judith. Then when they reconciled, Herb nailed Judith. So the only thing we know for sure is that despite all outward appearances, Judith is a slut. I'm aware that technically, either one of us could be the father, but I know in my gut that this is my sweet bastard child. You don't know squat. And you want to talk. Technically. Technically, maybe neither one of you is the father. Oh, dear God, Charlie, what have you done? Not me, you fool. I know if I'd known she was that easy. Stop
