Supercut: Idiot Jake Has a Colorful Childhood | Two and a Half Men

well Judith you can't have it both ways yeah no if you want to stay in that house and and drive that car then I have to live here to save money no no I I don't agree that he's a bad influence on Jake uh-huh Uncle Charlie I understand the point spread but I'm still confused about The Vig okay Vig is short for vigorish and it means the percentage you paid of a bookie to take your bet so it's better to be a bookie a my little boy grow enough Judith Judith hang on I I have got to stop you here because right at this very minute I am watching Charlie help Jake with math well well go ahead and call your lawyers but I I think I am well within my rights here well well I I don't know what Jake is telling you about Charlie's dates but he is a kid and he blows things out of proportion well if by nude swimming you mean she had no bathing suit on whatsoever then that never happened Alan yeah Mom now that we've seen the dove disappear up the greasy man's sleeve how about we stop for a little drinky poo um it's still Jake's birthday we're going home for cake okay but first a drinky poo don't you think you had enough to drink at the magic show Evelyn excuse me darling but some of us deal with our boredom and depression the oldfashioned nonprescription way that's telling her Evelyn I see this one gets me Allan you marry the wrong sister mom why don't you lie down back there take a little nap Okie doie how can you not remember the coat room I remember the coat room I just don't remember you you not remember me do you remember everyone you've had sex with of course not but come on we're practically family okay Dad see this ring uh-huh it's made of one unbroken piece of stain in the steel I I can see that and this one is just the same I swear I I believe you now watch one two two three hold on one two three h ironic wait don't look Alan how are those magic fingers of yours um I'm sorry I just have this kink in my back and I was hoping you could give me one of your fantastic adjustments when we get home uh uh sure I suppose thank you okay can't wait wait a minute his magic fingers you remember hello are we going to go around the table and say what we're thankful for o me I got one I'm thankful for the food we eat I'm thankful for the friends we meet I'm thankful for my comfy seat I'm thankful for the birdies feet uh white with [Music] fo hold up Rose sorry Jake why why don't you go okay I'm thankful for my mom and dad my uncle Charlie who has shown in the few short months that I've been here he is capable of s significant significant change and gross two obes a little bit okay uh well I'm thankful that I can spend the holiday with uh all the people I love and all the people who love me and Judith I'm thankful I'll be dead someday and you all feel horrible you weren't nicer to me and I'm thankful that our daughter gave us at least one grandchild before she I'm thankful I finally found a therapist who has no compunction about prescribing powerful sedatives well I'm thankful I can sit here and listen to you rich people whine while my family's scrabbling for a corn dog at the Pomona Fairgrounds Charlie no you first uh well I'm thankful for you and I hope you'll always be my friend okay well I'm thankful for you too and I'm thankful for everybody coming together today as unwitting participants in my desperate charade Uncle Charlie I had a weird dream and it's getting weirder hey buddy wen't you asleep I'm hoping I am hello Jake hello Miss Pastor NE uh listen buddy Miss pastan and I are kind of having a sleepover cuz we're like you know friends no way Jake I'm only your teacher from 8:15 to 3:00 after that I'm just a person like anybody else oh this is more wrong than the time I sent of peeing at the mall okay why don't we wrap up this after school special and call it a night don't worry Jake this won't change anything between you and me at school so you're still going to be mean to me that's right same old junkyard dog come on buddy get some sleep oh yeah like I'm going to sleep now do you think he'll be okay sure he's just not used to seeing his teacher out of the classroom and her pants don't worry I'll talk to him in the morning make sure he's okay and that he keeps this to himself thank you Charlie oh miss Pastor how come you never call me by my first name I don't know this just seems way hotter just out of curiosity what the hell happened in your brother's bathroom nothing dad was wrestling on the floor with a naked lady The Quiet Ones are always the freaks Jake I was not wrestling but she was naked she was taking a shower and I didn't know she was in there and when I reached in to turn it off she was startled and it was completely innocent and there's absolutely no reason to tell your mother understand sure by the way you have to sign my math dish oh okay D minus Jake how do you get a D minus I don't know how do you get wrapped up in a shower curtain with a naked lady did you show this to your mother no why not cuz it didn't catch her doing anything okay I'll sign this but you are going to go straight to your room and study so this doesn't happen again right but I wouldn't get my hopes up if you want something from Dad now's a good time what you doing I'm working you're not going to get much done with the TV on what are You My Mother your mother says that too listen when you write music for a living you have to wait for inspiration nope not yet hey Charlie you want to come to the movies with us you can't he's working on what liver failure wonderful he's my mother you're my doctor oh I assume you finished reading Lord of the Flies for your book report uh-huh oh good uh how'd you like it I thought it was a Thomas American classic I see so tell me what's it about you mean the book yeah the book um it's called Lord of the Flies and it's about a a really big fly that all the other flies pray to you thought he didn't read it oh I was just joking it's more like Charlotte's Web but from the F's point of view oh Jake you've had more than a week but why didn't you read the book um I've been waiting for inspiration had a boy okay how's this for inspiration we're not going to the movies and you're not doing anything else until you finish reading that book it's not fair of course it's fair we had a deal and you didn't keep your end of it oh so no two wrongs make a right but you didn't see that one coming look Jacob you're really going to like this book if you give it a chance it's about kids stranded on a deserted island how they get stranded their plane crashes oh really then what happens well this one kid named Ralph becomes their leader and they form the society and just read the book one big fly huh hey I took a shot ladies and gentlemen presenting noted scholar and a student Jake [Music] Harper you got an A I got an A all right way to go congratulations ation Jake thanks Grandma it's my first day of this year really well it's n too soon then mom leave it alone I'm not saying anything I think it's wonderful did anybody else in your class get an A almost everybody why oh I was just curious as to how hard the test was it doesn't matter mom still an A and an a is very nice I just don't know why you're making such a big fuss if they're just handing them out like rebell vaccinations no looks like a pretty hard test to me no it was easy yeah that's because you studied you earned that a Wendy Cho got an A+ you hear that Wendy Cho got an A+ Wendy Cho is a freak of nature she cloned a goldfish for the science fair we can't compare Jake to her well who should we compare him to then the past eaters and the uni Browns darling if you set the bar low in childhood he may never reach the heights he's capable of you're condemning him to a life of failure and mediocrity is that what you want Jake a life of failure and mediocrity no you see he may well be sharper than you give him credit for going to go to my room I am putting that a paper up on the fridge wow Texas used to be a separate country why' we change that my weekend by J Harper grade five Mrs Flanigan's class Woodward Avenue Elementary SCH School located on Woodward Avenue I'm not counting words oh good my weekend starts on Friday when my mom takes me to my dad's house which is actually my Uncle Charlie's house who is my dad's brother making him my uncle his name is Charlie which is why I call him my uncle Charlie anyway even though my parents are divorced they still get along pretty good hey buddy hey Dad hey jth how's week just fine bye honey Bye Mom hey thanks for bringing him by oh bite me Alan what the hell went on here last weekend what are you talking about when I brought him home Sunday night and served him dinner he tipped me with a $25 chip from Caesar's Palace and told me I had a nice rack well J you do that's not the point where did he get the chip where is he learning this Behavior hey Judah looking good run away run away did you give my son a $25 chip no I did not give him a $25 chip happy he won it fair and square you couldn't run away all right I don't care what you do during the week but on the weekends you need to remember you are a role model for an 11-year-old boy oh that's a bad idea who thought of that I'm warning you Allan things had better change around here there will be serious consequences legal consequences got it got it goodbye there will be serious consequences legal consequences I don't care what you do during the week but the weekends you're a role model I enjoy talking this way as do I that's a cool snake tattoo on your back thanks that's anacoth the demon who eats human Souls my friend Jeffrey has a dog that eats his own poop he tries to lick her face but we don't let him okay who's that one that's the goddess of the Damned she whose name cannot be spoken why is it hard to pronounce what we have a friend at school like that he's from India we just call him Rusty no kidding is it hard to get tattoos yeah but it's worth it you know sure once I bit my tongue really hard in your Frozen Milky Way but it was totally worth it good morning hi Dad hey hi I'm Alan Jake's dad Isabella she's a friend of Uncle Charles I would hope so yeah and she was showing me her tattoos oh lucky you there was a time when you had to pay a quarter and go into a tent to see that now it's right at your breakfast table go get dressed I want to see the rest of her T go I have a quarter Jake all right um Isabella I hate to be a fuddy duddy but we try to keep the house smoke free I'm Sorry Charlie didn't say anything when I was smoking in bed last night yeah well Charlie's lungs aren't always on the same page it says penis do you realize how long you've been upstairs with her that depends on what on what day it is it's Sunday evening I haven't seen you since last night when you went to that party oh yeah the party party that was some great party what happened I have no idea although I did wake up with this oh my God am I Jewish [Laughter] now Charlie that's not a star of David it's a pentagram it's a a satanic symbol used to call forth demons from hell oh that's not good you need to cut Isabella loose I can't do that why not because together we shall spawn a child named giges and he shall bring forth a new age of Darkness you know what maybe it is time to slow this relationship down a little bit slow it down you need to drive a steak through its heart is she still here yeah okay here's the plan um so we'll submit to her will and uh serve the Lord be El above with all our hearts I'll grab Jake you start the car we'll drive somewhere safe I'm thinking the B don't be ridiculous what are you going to do well you said it we have to cut her loose we no I didn't say we I never said we hear us oh horned one wrap your dark Wings around this young soul and Grant him all the rewards he desires okay um hi Mr horned one here's the deal I'll trade you my soul for what do I get like three wishes he's the lord of the underworld not a genie oh okay can I talk to a genie Jake get over here sorry Dad but you're no longer my master the hell I'm not go to your room you know I'm old enough to choose my own religion go how dare you interfere good question Alan tell her how we dare hey you brought her here you get her out are you trying to get rid of me okay well no not not not not you personally this is more of a legal issue U it turns out Malibu is not zone for Satanic rituals or any of the Black Arts really right alen uh that's that's true uh you're fine in Hollywood um had an interesting chat with your ex-wife today oh can't we just have a nice dinner I like her why uh why well unlike most Ex-Wives I've known she's never tried to run me over with her car okay new dinner conversation uh Jake how was school I don't think this conversation will make you any happier dead what now we had a surprise test today and I was really surprised so in other words you weren't prepared you can't prepare for a surprise Dad new conversation Jake what are we going to do you've really fallen behind this year I know I think it's a delayed reaction to your divorce oh yeah it took a while but my teachers have finally stopped feeling sorry for me you know I'm a child of divorce too Jake really how old were you when your parents split up 22 but you're 22 now 22 and a half Bo would I'd give to be 22 again new subject no no no more conversation Jake if you're finished just go do your homework I'm going to need help you don't need help you need to focus I'll help you Jake do you know anything about geometry well I know it's what you say when you turn into a tree get it G I'm a tree Bo I hope when they get to Oz the wizard has two brains to give out come on Jake we're going to be late for the party I'm ready it's very nice yeah I think we're good turn around [Laughter] you're supposed to take the price tag off but you said it was good to be seen in expensive clothes you still want him to learn from his mistakes fine can we go now hang on let's see the dance moves don't stare at your shoes eyes on the girl at all times pretend you care good good good now how do you stand when you you know Wendy's looking at you that's it little headbob show me the sleepy eyes I said sleepy not brain dead all right who's the man I'm the man who's the man I'm the man okay let's go get him Alan I'm coming 2138 2136 try the house with the balloons tied to the mailbox oh right okay let's go where are you going want to meet her parents say hello find out when to pick you up Alan you take one step out of this car I will beat your brains out with a tire iron thank you Uncle Charlie have fun U call my cell when you want me to pick you up there he goes Maya's son is attending his first boy girl party who's that opening the door dooring oh oh that's uh that's Wendy Cho oh good she's cute kids got taste but she's like a foot taller than him it's all right when they slow dance his head will be perfectly positioned get your mind out of the gutter right like you never capped a feel with your ear no okay once with Aunt Sophie what that was an accident so you know what I'm talking about oh yeah you know that's my juice I know you could at least ask you could at least pay rent touche that's a bookie or a woman you know what to say Harper residence sorry he's dead interesting no one ever calls back to find out where to send flowers you how does it feel to go a whole week without booze broads or bedding it's actually kind of a relief I never realized how much effort it took to avoid feeling anything yeah what are you feeling now so far mostly nausea and boredom T you don't know what that means do you not a clue hey if girls with big boobs work at Hooters were the girls with only one leg work at IHOP f is cruel actually it's kind of funny yeah because they got one leg they have to hop I hop tipping your waitress takes on a whole new meaning it's not that funny I know why are you laughing so much I don't know Dad something's wrong with Uncle Charlie what's going on ayj tell your dad how one-legged girls work at IHOP Oh No I gave away the joke I'm so sorry Jak I've ruined [Music] everything is he okay he's fine his feelings are coming to the surface oh like when Mom gets PMS well kind of hang on Uncle Charlie I'll get you some chocolate I have a question yeah how smart do you have to be to have sex well actually can I but I was oh come on why do you ask well mom's boyfriend's a doctor yeah and doctors are supposed to be smart right not as smart as they think they are but uh but go ahead well when I'm in bed I can hear them in bed oh God oh boy oh goody and Mom's always telling him that he doesn't know what he's doing how much do I love this kid don't interrupt Charlie go on sweetheart so I'm thinking sex must be a lot harder than I figured I mean she has to tell him the same thing every night every night you say baa you had a semiannual subscription didn't you come on you guys please can't help you look Jak it it's not that you have to be particularly smart to have sex yeah yeah look at your dad CH show me a coke think of it this way suppose you like banana cream pie I do like banana cream pie well good do we have any no well then why'd you bring it up I was trying to tell you something about sex what does p have to do with sex can I jump in how about me excuse me but if I can't talk you can't talk am I right Alan anyway if you don't tell me you like banana cream pie and I keep bringing home something else I just told you I like it want to know what kind of pie your uncle Charlie oh come on I I'm guessing cherry [Applause] please I've got this you've got squat at this rate the kids only going to get a stiffy at Marie Calendars morning Charlie Charlie good I don't have to give him mouth to mouth morning morning he's sleep sure let's call it sleep Uncle Charlie I'm going to have a bowl of maple Loops you want one you sure he's okay I never said he was okay freaky you really shouldn't see him like this Jake there now you can enjoy your breakfast what's wrong with him oh he's getting old kiddo I wish you could have seen him in his prime he was like Babe Ruth he played baseball no he was a drunken hormonger but there was none better oh god look what the Cat Dragged In he didn't just drag it he ate it pooped it out and then covered it with sand you know what it'd be funny to paint a big mustache on him that would be hilarious but no Charlie Charlie yeah you okay yeah what time did you get home I'm home you are oh God I'm blind it's a miracle Charlie did you tell Jake he could use your computer just take what you want and don't hurt us go ahead tell them Uncle Charlie no one's talking to you can you explain to me why I caught him watching a QuickTime movie called Vanessa does van eyes hey me Vanessa why don't you hop upstairs I'll be right there okay hey Dad can we move to Van eyes no hey whose skateboard mine wow it's really red thanks so is your movie thanks we're working on a sequel yeah I'm going to do Woodland Hills next hop hop hop can we move to Woodland Hills forget Woodland Hills what the hell is your skateboard doing on the stairs excuse me we were talking about the dirty movie on your computer I'm sorry I forgot it was on there you can't forget things like that when you have a child in the house I'm not a child then I don't have him no one's talking to you and that's no excuse look it's not hardcore it's mostly her and a couple of friends having a pajama party I didn't see pajamas shut up go away again I'm sorry mayor kova now if you'll excuse me mayor going upstairs for a gulp of hours hey Charlie who do I work for you or this fastidious parasite you call a brother I get the feeling you want me to say me me definitely me she works for me well then tell her when something is on the shopping list she should in fact shop for it I'm going to slug him can I slug him why why are you making such a big deal out of this because it is a big deal no it's not the hell it isn't what is going on here it's very simple I have decided to start drinking asdis milk it promotes intestinal Flora which AIDS in healthy digestion anyway for 3 weeks I have been writing it on the shopping list yet berda insists on bringing home 2% slog him my life milk and skateboard it's a good thing I'm drunk hey Dad guess what whoa whoa whoa whoa he doesn't need to know why not think about it what's your father going to do when he finds out you've got $1,120 don't worry I'm not going to lend him any no you Claude he's going to make you put it in the bank oh yeah plus he's going to give me grief for taking you to the tra back oh so I guess that means I've got leverage on you hey hey I can live with the grief can you live without the money no I love my money okay so here's what you do hide it in your room someplace no one will look oh I saw this movie Once where they put the money in a plastic bag and hung it in the toilet bad idea your toilet sees way too much action okay I'll buy a big safe oh brilliant that won't raise any questions just stick it in a shoe but what if I want to wear it then put it in a different shoe but not the same pair right correct now you have to be careful spending it you don't want to call attention to yourself okay I'll just get a plasma TV no no no no no no no plasma TVs no computers no expensive video games buy small stuff that no one will notice like donuts get you're perfect what about I doing a machine you're not hearing me I could hide it in the safe get out of here hey where have you been I told you the DMV all day you should have made an appointment yeah next time I'll know so what did you guys do today oh not much we just hung out ran a few errands oh did you help him with this book report yes I did really no Charlie you said you'd help him yeah well you said you'd only be living here for a couple of weeks and you weren't drunk when you said it fair enough so you guys just ran errands all day yes erands where is he in his room yes his room thanks for keeping an eye on him no problem E I have a bad feeling Hey Jake I'm back I was thinking Uncle Charlie made me go to the track wait a minute let's go back here Jake why aren't you at your mother's I run away sometimes you're in the shower Rose please why did you run away because I hate it there is this about the upcoming nups it's nothing to do with p Liberty Dad it's about mom getting married I I thought you like Dr milck that was when they were just dating now he thinks he can tell me what to do he's not my father you don't do what I tell you to do yeah but Mom doesn't care about that alen alen if I I just interrupt for one sec how do you keep getting in I've changed the locks three times yes but you didn't change the locksmith I could recommend somebody good night Rose I replace everything I eat good night Rose you know how I do it I keep an exact duplicate fridge at my house good night Rose by the way we're out of popsicles all right I'm going to call your mother she's probably woring sick she's probably in the hot tub with Dr Melnick how'd you get here you steal a car or something how can I steal a car I'm 12 new kids these days no imagination I took the bus in La at night you'd have been safer stealing a car so what's your plan where you headed I'm going to stay here oh you can't stay here why not because you're running away away according to the dictionary means not here it's usually preceded by the words far far or in your case go oh come on why can't I live with you guys oh Jake do you have any idea how much I have to clean up my act when you're here on weekends what are you talking about I see you drink gamble you have strange girl sleepover uh-huh drop in unannounced on a Wednesday and you'll be scarred for life I hope you're proud of yourself your mother's crying good hey don't be mean to your mother you're mean to your mother my mother can take it she some feeds on it Jake do you want grandmommy to teach you how to use chopsticks don't confuse him he just learned how to use a fork real funny Alan Allan what happened to Dad he turned into bonina musoni the San Francisco tree it's musolini Professor he's just upset cuz I won't let him go to a concert tonight why not because there's no adult supervision oh don't be such a funy daddy Alan he's a teenager teenagers don't go to concerts with their parents I'm with Evelyn on this well forget it you are not going to the concert oh listen to you remember when I said you couldn't go to that Peter Frampton concert you snuck out of the house and went anyway really Mom no I was in martinque at the time but the housekeeper was beside herself and and and I was severely punished for that right oh sure I tried grounding you and taking away TV privileges but at a certain point every parent has to accept that they're powerless when it comes to controlling a teenager really no no not not really parents are are powerful very powerful no no no trust me I I'm only doing this for your own good what the hell was that same thing Grandma did no it's not you sound like you're copping up a furball yeah well I'm making the same point did it even occur to you that you could help me with this I was not put on this Earth to help you out you're my mother yes and as you never tired of pointing out not a good one what are you doing sitting out here I can't stand up don't make a thing out of it what are you doing I snuck out to see a concert no way that is so cool okay third time's the charm hey you want to know what else is cool check this out just hear those sigh hey sh I'm caroling here you should be bringing me Coco and gingerbread Coco and gingerbread yeah they work at this pyramid Marino but I digress where were we my dad doesn't know I went out so now I have to sneak back in oh well then you certainly don't want to go through this door why not why not I'll tell you why not what why not why not what why can't I go through that door oh why didn't you say so if I know your dad and sadly I do he's sitting in there right now just waiting to tie you to a rock and throw you in the ocean what sorry I may have put the idea in his head follow me where are we going hey I'll ask the questions where are we going I'm okay here grab my what do you call it hand I'm okay it's great but you're sitting on my [Applause] head do you have any idea how much trouble you're in I do not do you have any idea how beautiful you look in that light I'm not talking to you yeah well I'm not talking to you either except for right now this is me talking to you but no longer would you please just go to sleep okie dokie you and I have some talking to do will you make up your freaking mind so uh I was school this week okay anything noteworthy happened no I thought you said he got dumped I was easing into it oh good idea go ahead Jake sooner or later every guy gets dumped some guys get dumped sooner and later right Alan sorry I should have eased into [Applause] that my point is you've got nothing to be embarrassed about I'm not embarrassed I'm angry she didn't even tell me why she just sent me an email saying she doesn't want to go out with me anymore maybe she found somebody better what do you mean better who's better than Jake why no one Alan he's the Pinnacle of male Evolution thank you look buddy I know exactly how you feel when I was your age I was dating a beautiful girl charity kersen Bal I was crazy about her then the night before Junior Prom she called and dumped me wouldn't even give me a reason I I was devastated so what' you do what could I do How Can You Mend a Broken Heart how can you stop the rain from falling [Laughter] down you done unless you want to hear Jive talking the thing is Jake that no matter how bad you feel now eventually it'll pass you just have to be willing to live with the pain no he doesn't yes he does hang on dad what do you mean no I don't when you get dumped you don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself you go out and find another girl a better girl okay but how am I going to get another girl I don't know how I got this one you don't know how you got a girlfriend no it just kind of happened yeah I know how that goes wake up in the morning morning and there she is shut up I know that was wrong look Jake who is the cutest girl in your class Nico Ali okay call Nico Ali and ask her out are you drunk a little but this is a secret that will serve you for the rest of your life the hotter the girl The Loner she is because most guys are too scared to talk to her really wow why couldn't you have said this 20 years ago come on dad I wasn't even born 20 years ago I really shouldn't be giving him advice to could help him reproduce should I oh this is fun huh the three Harper boys sitting around the campfire putting on the Feed Bag yeah bite me so numnuts any thoughts as to why your mom dumped you off on us Charlie oh like you're not curious no no I am not curious she just thought it would be a good idea for him to spend more time with his father and I'm trying to save girls a long ride home on the freeway so what's your theory off Alpa I think you're just pretending to be considerate so you can have sex with him no no I mean about your mother and Herb oh well they are fighting a lot they're fighting yep 31 31 it's what you get when you add 24 and seven you know they're fighting all the time 24/7 31 I'm not going to make it 3 months Alan be fine they're fighting in front of you they don't think they're fighting in front of me cuz sometimes when I wear the headphones I turn the music off and you figured that out all by yourself hey you may think I'm dumb but you overestimate me my mistake so what are they arguing about well she doesn't like his parents he doesn't like her spending and something about sex what about sex that's when I turn the music back on you sick freak sorry I mean that's my mother I said I'm sorry man I'm not going to make it 3 months oh great now he's got the moral High Ground what do you want to do this weekend doesn't matter just as long as you and I are together what did you do I didn't do anything why would you even ask me that I'm guessing he either robbed a liquor store or killed a Drifter do I need to call your mother and ask her if you want to but you know how she pushes your buttons I'll take that chance fine I don't care all right all right I got thrown off the school bus you got the spine of a gummy bear why are we thrown off the bus well actually it's a funny story amuse me have you ever heard of this thing called [Music] mooning yeah yeah it rings a bell the bus was going pass the girls track team and a bunch of us thought it'd be funny to Moon him see she gets it Berto sorry I'm just remembering my prom so what happened well I was working near the high school that night and I thought it would be fun to drive the back not you him well excuse me for sharing what happened well it sounds like B had quite a problem you're skating on thin ice Jake boy that's something we haven't done in a long time Skating Jake mom grounded me for 2 weeks why didn't your mother tell me about this I promised I'd tell you what can I say she believed me so how about a movie a little fatherson bonding no no no movies skating no skating fine also no TV no video games no cell phones and no iPods nothing that gives you any amusement or enjoyment could you just smack me with a belt and get over with get out of here I'm bored look Jake I understand that you're excited about getting a car but keep in mind the car is predicated on you getting into college right what's predicated mean no college no car oh what if I flunk out do I have to give the car back no sweetheart what makes you think you'd flunk out well history right now there's a 660 chance they going to have to repeat the eighth grade 6060 huh at least it could be 7040 well we can rule out the ivy league is that good for the ivy league you know dear maybe we're going about this the wrong way college should be about pursuing the things you love what do you love um TV video games sleeping I love sleeping so much sometimes I actually dream about it okay maybe I wasn't clear enough oh you know what I really love twice dip French toast with a sprinkling of orange zest orange zest yeah you scrape it from an orange peel it's what really makes my recipe work you have a recipe yep it kind of happened by accident I was making onep french toast but I dropped it a lot of great discoveries are accents like Thomas Edison and the telephone that wasn't Thomas so you like to cook yeah I love it cuz you know I love to eat and I love to surprise my mouth well you know dear what you are talking about is becoming a chef and there are schools for that and and the potential to make a terrific living do I get to wear one of those poofy hats if you want to cool then I guess I'll be a chef a grandson the chef I can live with that you know what I could drive if I was a chef the Oscar my wio mobile here you go grilled cheese with goua Swiss and monster you mean Monster no that's an old TV show and they're called that cuz they're monsters this is a cheese anyway the sandwich also has heirloom tomatoes and smoked applewood bacon on sourdough toast where did you learn this Food Channel food channel.com Food Channel on demand Food Channel magazine and the school lunch lady oh and save room for homemade potato chips you're making potato chips oh yeah it's easy you slice the potatoes real thin rub the slices with lemon and garlic fry them up in a hot iron skillet and then salt to taste this bone appetite te no that's a cow's boob oh my goodness this is delicious don't more than three or you won't poop for a week trust me well at least we have finally found a career path for you cool I'll get the chips and we'll talk about cars what let's s this car thing first terrific sandwich yeah I think you find the fire gave everything a nice Smoky flavor just out of curiosity what does a used fire truck go for hey where have you guys been van eyes what are you doing in Van eyes that's where the jail is what I got arrested you're kidding what for apparently I ran a red light at 64 mph and I was in the passenger seat yes I was driving therefore you were in the passenger seat anyway it turns out I had a couple of unpaid parking tickets 17 thank you they arrested you for unpaid parking tickets well there was also a bench warrant when I didn't show up in court well how could you not show up in court don't they send you a summons lots of them but I threw them away I thought they were for jury duty long story short when I didn't show up they suspended my license and I was in the passenger seat so you were driving with a suspended license it's only for a couple of years luckily though my license was fine so when they took him to the police station I followed in the Mercedes by the way I reset all your radio stations to good stuff I'd like to be alone now Jake understandable you've been through a lot by the way if you need anyone to drive you to the movies or the mall or strip club I'm available appreciate it and you can just relax in the passenger seat like I did earlier today get out are you sitting us a military school no why would you think that I don't know 16 years of barging pizza with fake cheese and Sam's Club vanilla wafers for dessert I don't want to go to military school no one's going to milit Ary school but there is uh something we wanted to talk to you about here it comes relax it's good news Alan all right uh as you both know uh Lindsay and I have been dating now for 6 months oh man did he knock you up no just be quiet and listen anyway uh we've both grown very fond of each other during that time you are using protection right that's none of your business but I'm glad you're paying attention and class but what I'm trying to say is that Lindsay and I have decided to live together I don't think Uncle Charlie's going to like that he's never been real pleased that you and I moved in uh no no no we're going to live at Lindsay and eldridge's house but I stay here right no when you're not at your mom she'll be with us so I'm losing my weekend beach house yeah but you're gaining a whole family I'd rather have a weekend beach house do I have to share my bathroom with him elridge what's wrong with sharing a bathroom with me I like my privacy yeah we all know what that's about Jake you're Mr wacka not me yeah well at least I don't watch Gabe porn that was a total accident I don't want to live with him well you don't have to worry about it cuz I'm not going guys guys come on no forget it I mean it's bad enough you're sleeping with this loser alridge are you're calling my dad a loser you call him a loser all the time he's my dad I'm allowed uh well uh Jake technically you're not allowed loud is it okay for me to call your mom what you call her what do you call me okay we've gotten off track here uh um who's ready for cupcakes screw you and your cupcakes yeah I'm getting rid of the queer again days are here again hey hey there how there what are you doing just thought i' help you get a jump on the packing oh oh well you can unpack cuz I'm not leaving what no boys just won't go along with it you're giving those two morons a vote it's too traumatic you know turning their lives upside down so let them be traumatized that's the trouble with kids these days not enough trauma Charlie I'm sorry I know you were looking forward to having the house back to yourself but it's just not going to happen oh it's going to happen as God is my witness and by all that's holy it's going to happen hey man keep packing he couldn't spell miscellaneous my life in my house I don't need your permission I don't care I'll just go live with Dad and Stephanie oh won't that be nice you'll be reunited with your old babysitter excuse us walk dude don't dude me I'm in no mood for dude dude don't dude him dude dude all right what's this I hear about you guys not want to live together I want my privacy and I think things are a rical question I don't give a rat ass now the happiness of your parents is at stake here so we're going to reason this out like adults in the interest of all involved here's $500 split it up anyway you want nice that's just a down payment there's an extra hundred in it for every month you keep my brother out of my house $100 a month that's like a $1,000 a year almost do we have a deal deal great I should write a book on parenting how are we supposed to split this I don't know dude no matter how I figure it there's going to be one left over dude your party is a total SAU Fest hey you're the one who said let's not invite the girls we know let's meet new girls exactly so did you invite them who the girls we don't know dude how can I invite them if I don't know them good point dude guess who brought beer oh god wow this is total sausage fest come with you dude hey gang there's hot casity is in the kitchen Charlie what the hell are you doing here by I heard Jakob was having a party and thought I'd stopped by to hang out with a bunch of teenagers yeah that occurred to me the cab driver thought it was a good idea and it's some really long drive there's something seriously wrong with you get help first thing I had to get another cab taxi it was nice of him to bring beer he's a crazy bastard but he's got good [Applause] manners hello Dad yay hey Courtney Jake oh it's so good to see you me too oh you've grown no it's just my cell phone what are you doing here I just uh came by to what could you do me a favor and give us some privacy yeah sure can I have a goodbye hug Jake go made have blocked me dad So Courtney so Alan where's Walden he's upstairs taking a nap recharge the batteries batteries are fine it's the flashlight that needs a rest what can I do for you why won't you leave walon alone he's not ready for someone like you someone like me whatever do you mean someone who's creating a lifestyle from finding wealthy men and sponging off them as much as they can G Ellen that sounds a lot like you whatever do you mean 8 years living off your brother sleeping on his fold out couch oh leave it to you to spin it so I look bad see see dinner Alan oh hi Will will see you at dinner all right young lady you will all right we have successfully downloaded 40,000 hours of porn that's a lot to watch 2 minutes at a time I saw Billy and Walen do notice that we're using their hard drives don't worry I've labeled every movie personal oh good thinking oh red light I got it nicely done we got this job nailed my man yeah and the best part is we are in on the ground floor of the company oh another one allow me maybe they'll give us stock options and we'll be rich what exactly is a stock option it's a call option on the common stock of the company issued as a form of cash compensation if the company stock Rises the holder of the option generally experiences a direct Financial benefit where did you learn that Wikipedia it's not just for term papers point is we're going to be rich oh another one cool so we'll have our own planes and Yachts and chicks tons of pot chicks with pot chicks with pot and bikinis naked chicks with pot on a yacht I like that a lot uh-oh that's not good yeah why are they all going bad at the same time I don't know it's like there's some sort of virus like the kind you get when you download too much uhoh maybe we should call Billy no we can do this okay we can't do this go Billy go Billy hello Billy it's Jake I just want to start once again by saying how Greatful we are for this opportunity it's [Applause] great you you got a job yeah it's not just a job though it's an adventure what we're going to be all we can be oh oh no no you didn't we didn't what joined the army yeah we joined the army how'd you know you need to listen to me they are not normal um hi hi looking for a new career uh I'm 44 years old that's okay today's army is all inclusive you could be as old and as gay as you want that's that's good to know um uh but I I I actually wanted to talk to you about my son uh Jake Harper Harper Harper oh yeah wants to be a drone pilot yeah he told me he thinks it's like a video game oh it is it's exactly like a video game except we blow up real people yeah actually that's what I wanted want to talk to you about um I love my son uh but more importantly I love my country uh which is why uh I don't think my son should have access to Flying bombs or really any kind of weapon I mean between you and me I've seen him try to pick up spilled food with a fork and stab himself in the left and not just once I understand your concern but our training is unsurpassed we take boys and turn them into men I know you think that but you don't know him like I do he's 18 right yeah not currently on probation or under indictment no this his signature yeah and if he passes the physical he signed stamped and off the camp Miss oh look Al-Qaeda you're good boy and you do what you're told and promise me you'll be careful don't worry about me worry about our nation's enemies I am worried [Music]

Channel: Two and a Half Men

Views: 356,917

Keywords: twoandahalfmen, tv, funny, charlie sheen, two and a half men, jon cryer, alan harper, charlie harper, walden schmidt, ashton kutcher, conchata ferrell, holland taylor, evelyn harper, jake harper, angus t jones

Id: 8PFDOGciANs

Length: 64min 45sec (3885 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 04 2024