WELCOME ONE AND ALL, IN HERE,
OUT THERE, UPSTAIRS IN THE BALCONY, I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN
COLBERT ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE FEELING IS MUTUAL A WALL. IT IS GREAT TO BE HERE WITH YOU
ALL ON OUR FIRST THURSDAY BACK HERE IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOTHING -- NOTHING LIKE A THURSDAY. >> Jon: NOTHING LIKE A
THURSDAY. >> Stephen: AFTER 15 MONTHS
AWAY, ONE OF THE STRANGEST THINGS -- I DON'T KNOW IF YOU
FEEL THIS WAY, JON -- ONE TO HAVE THE STRANGEST THINGS IS HOW
QUICKLY THIS FEELS NORMAL. >> Jon: YES. >> Stephen: AND I FOR ONE
NEVER WANT TO FORGET WHAT A PRIVILEGE IT IS TO BE WITH YOU
ALL HERE TONIGHT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT ALL GOT TAKEN AWAY. >> Jon:ETH ALL GOT TAKEN AWAY. >> Stephen: HE GIVETH AND
TAKETH AWAY. I AM THE JOB OF LATE NIGHT. I AM ESPECIALLY THRILLED TO BE
HERE WITH YOU SIGNED A BILL MAKING JUNETEENTH
A NATIONAL HOLIDAY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: I LIKE THAT! >> Stephen: INCREDIBLE NEWS! THAT'S A GOOD ONE RIGHT THERE! >> Jon: YES! >> Stephen: AMAZING! AND NOT ONLY -- AND LONG
OVERDUE. JUNETEENTH COMMEMORATES
JUNE 19th, 1865, THE DAY THE LAST GROUP OF ENSLAVED PEOPLE IN
AMERICA LEARNED ABOUT THE SIGNING OF THE EMANCIPATION
PROCLAMATION THAT HAD TAKEN PLACE TWO AND A HALF YEARS
EARLIER. THEN, IT ONLY TOOK 156 MORE
YEARS UNTIL THE IDEA FINALLY REACHED WASHINGTON THAT MAYBE WE
SHOULD CELEBRATE THIS. IT'S GETTING THE FULL HOLIDAY
TREATMENT. MY UNDERSTANDING IS --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY UNDERSTANDING IS THAT THEY'RE
GIVING IT THE FULL HOLIDAY TREATMENT -- A DAY OFF,
COMMUNITY GATHERINGS, AND, ONE ASSUMES,
50% ALL TEMPUR-PEDIC CALIFORNIA KINGS. ( LAUGHTER )
EARLIER TODAY, AT THE SIGNING CEREMONY IN THE WHITE HOUSE, THE
FIRST BLACK VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES CELEBRATED THE
NEW HOLIDAY. >> STEPHEN: SO, THROUGHOUT
HISTORY, JUNETEENTH HAS BEEN KNOWN BY MANY NAMES. JUBILEE DAY, FREEDOM DAY,
LIBERATION DAY, EMANCIPATION DAY. AND TODAY, A NATIONAL HOLIDAY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: JUNE 19th, KNOWN BY MANY NAMES, ALSO KNOWN AS
MACKELMORE'S BIRTHDAY BUT, HAVEN'T BLACK AMERICANS SUFFERED
ENOUGH? ( LAUGHTER )
ONE PERSON AT THE CEREMONY WHO HAS BEEN WORKING TO MAKE THIS
HAPPEN FOR DECADES IS 94-YEAR-OLD CIVIL RIGHTS
ACTIVIST OPAL LEE. HERE'S HOW MS. LEE REACTED TO
CONGRESS PASSING THE BILL. >> THE BILL IS PASSED! >> WOOHOO! OH OH OH OOH! >> STEPHEN: I'M CALLING IT NOW:
THAT IS THE SONG OF THE SUMMER. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THE BILL GOT UNANIMOUS SUPPORT
IN THE SENATE, BUT IN THE HOUSE THERE WERE 14 NO VOTES FROM
REPUBLICAN MEMBERS OF CONGRESS. ( BOOING )
I WONDER IF THOSE REPRESENTATIVES HAVE ANYTHING IN
COMMON. AH, YES -- IT'S THE SPF 700
CLUB. THESE CONGRESSMEN HAD A NUMBER
OF OBJECTIONS TO THE BILL, RANGING FROM STUPID TO DUMB. LIKE
KENTUCKY REPRESENTATIVE THOMAS MASSIE, SEEN HERE EXPLAINING
THAT HIS GUN IS THAT SIZE BECAUSE IT'S COLD OUT. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: IT'S AN ANALOGY, SEE... >> Stephen: MASSEY SWEARS HE
SUPPORTS JUNETEENTH, BUT TAKES ISSUE WITH
THE HOLIDAY'S FULL NAME JUNETEENTH NATIONAL INDEPENDENCE
DAY. WHY? BECAUSE HE SAYS IT WILL CONFLICT
WITH JULY 4TH, AND PUSH AMERICANS TO PICK ONE OF THOSE
TWO DAYS AS THEIR INDEPENDENCE DAY BASED ON THEIR RACIAL
IDENTITY. LET'S BE REAL. AMERICANS MAY HAVE THEIR
DIFFERENCES, BUT WE HOLD THESE TRUTH TO BE SELF-EVIDENT: WE
TAKE EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO EAT AND DRINK TO EXCESS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FOR PETE'S SAKE, WE'LL DOUBLE DOWN! WE'LL DO THEM BOTH! >> COME ON! >> Stephen: FOR PETE'S SAKE,
WE MAINLINE MARGARITAS ON CINCO DE MAYO FOR MEXICAN INDEPENDENCE
DAY, AND WE'RE NOT MEXICAN AND IT'S NOT EVEN THEIR INDEPENDENCE
DAY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ALSO, I DON'T THINK TWO INDEPENDENCE DAYS IS GOING TO
CONFUSE A NATION THAT HAS LEARNED TO KEEP TRACK OF
FOUR HANDSOME CHRIS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ANDs THE DAY WE ALL CELEBRATE FOUR HAN HANDSOME CHRISES,
CHRISTMAS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE WAS ALSO SOME GOOD NEWS OUT OF THE SUPREME COURT. TODAY, THE COURT UPHELD
OBAMACARE AGAIN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ObamaCare LIVES! LIVES! >> Jon: YEAH! >> Stephen: YOU KNOW THAT
MEANS ANNUAL PHYSICALS FOR EVERYONE. AMERICA, TURN YOUR HEAD AND
COUGH. YOU'RE GOOD. YOU'RE GOOD. COULDN'T GET IT ON IN TIME. SOSORRY ABOUT THAT. THE VOTE WAS A RESOUNDING 7-2
AGAINST A TEXAS LAWSUIT CHALLENGING THE INDIVIDUAL
MANDATE. THE COURT DECIDED THAT TEXAS DID
NOT HAVE STANDING TO SUE BECAUSE NOBODY WAS FORCED TO PAY A
PENALTY FOR NOT GETTING INSURANCE. WHY? BACK IN 2017, THE GOP-CONTROLLED
CONGRESS PASSED A BILL CUTTI THE INDIVIDUAL MANDATE PENALTY
TO ZERO. THE REPUBLICANS' PREVIOUS
ATTEMPT TO KILL OBAMACARE KILLED THIS ATTEMPT TO KILL OBAMACARE
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHAT DO YOU KNOW? WHAT DO YOU KNOW? >> Jon: THAT'S HOW IT GOES
DOWN SOMETIMES! ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: TURNS OUT THE G.O.P. IS ITS OWN WORST ENEMY. ALSO, EVERYONE ELSE'S. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WAY OUT WEST, SUMMER IS HERE WITH A VENGEANCE. STATES FROM MONTANA TO
CALIFORNIA ARE EXPERIENCING ONE OF THE MOST EXTREME HEA
WAVES EVER OBSERVED. LET'S GO TO THE FORECAST:
>> THANKS, STEVE! IT'S A REAL SCORCHER. OVER TO CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPORTS! >> AHH NETS IN 6 KEVIN DURANT IS
ON FIRE! >> STEPHEN: IN FACT, MULTIPLE
WEATHER SERVICE OFFICES IN THE WEST HAVE ISSUED EXCESSIVE-HEAT
WARNINGS FOR DANGEROUSLY HOT CONDITIONS. IT'S PARTICULARLY HOT IN THE
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA REGION OF DOWNTOWN BENNIFER. HUMID. IN ARIZONA, TEMPERATURES HAVE
SOARED PAST 115 DEGREES. ONE PHOENIX RESIDENT TOLD
REPORTERS, I FEEL LIKE I'M IN HELL. SO, PHOENIX --
( APPLAUSE ) IT'S LOVELY. IT'S JUST A JOKE, JON. >> Jon: I QUESTION IT. I GET IT. >> Stephen: I LOVE YOU,
PHOENIX. ONE OF THE STATES MOST AFFECTED
BY RISING TEMPERATURES IS TEXAS. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY
WHEN ONE TEXAS WOMAN LEFT A JAR OF DIETARY SUPPLEMENTS IN HER
CAR. HER DOCTOR SAID SHE WASN'T
GETTING ENOUGH VITAMIN GOO. THIS HEAT IS ESPECIALLY
DANGEROUS FOR TEXANS BECAUSE OF THEIR POWER GRID IS FRAGILE. YOU MIGHT REMEMBER THAT, BACK IN
FEBRUARY, WINTER STORMS LEFT MORE THAN 4.8M HOMES AND
BUSINESSES WITHOUT ELECTRICITY FOR DAYS. SO IT'S GOOD THAT
(SINGING) THE STARS AT NIGHT
ARE BIG AND BRIGHT CUZ THERE'S NO LIGHTS IN TEXA
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE -- THANK YOU! WOULDN'T PEE-WEE BE PROUD? RIGHT ON CUE. HOW DID THEY KNOW? HOW DID THEY KNOW? >> STEPHEN: OF COURSE, THE POWER
COMPANY COULD NEVER HAVE ANTICIPATED COLD WEATHER IN
TEXAS. OR HOT WEATHER IN TEXAS. ( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE THIS WEEK, THE TEXAS POWER COMPANY STARTED
BEGGING CUSTOMERS TO TURN OFF APPLIANCES TO HELP AVERT
BLACKOUTS. SO, THE ENERGY COMPANY'S ADVICE
IS BUY AN A.C. UNIT, BUT DON'T TURN IT ON IF IT'S HOT. AND JUST TO RUB SALT IN THE
WOUND, THESE WARNINGS ABOUT UNRELIABLE
POWER ARE COMING FROM THE ELECTRIC RELIABILITY COUNCIL OF
TEXAS. ( LAUGHTER )
KIND OF A MISNOMER. AT THIS POINT, THAT'S LIKE
THE SOBRIETY COUNCIL OF NEW ORLEANS. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: HEY! NOT EVERYBODY! >> Stephen: NOT EVERYBODY. NOBODY'S SAYING DON'T PARTY! NOBODY'S SAYING DON'T PARTY. >> Jon: NOBODY'S GOT THE
COURAGE. >> Stephen: STAYING IN TEXAS,
THERE WAS A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT FROM TEXAS
GOVERNOR AND MAN BREATHING EASIER THANKS TO ALLEGRA, GREG
ABBOTT. ABBOTT SAYS HE'S GOING TO
SOLICIT DONATIONS FROM THE PUBLIC TO FUND THE CONSTRUCTION
OF TEXAS' BORDER WALL. ( BOOING )
NO, NO, NO, HEAR ME OUT! IT'S ABOUT TIME. SOMEBODY'S GOTTA KEEP THOSE
TEXANS OUT OF THE U.S.. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DO FLORIDA NEXT! WHAT? OH, NO! SO BAD. ( APPLAUSE )
I'M BEING TOLD IT'S ACTUALLY FOR A U.S.-MEXICO BORDER WALL. OKAY, SO, ONE STATE CAN DO ITS
OWN FOREIGN POLICY? IT REMINDS ME OF THAT FAMOUS
HEADLINE AFTER PEARL HARBOR: DELAWARE DECLARES DELA-WAR
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I UNDERSTAND WHY TEXAS IS
DESPERATE. THEY HAVE TO FIND SOME WAY TO
STOP THEIR SENATORS FROM FLEEING TO CANCUN. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S LIKE WE'RE CATCHING UP ON A
LOT OF PUNCH LINES. TO PRIME THE DONATION PUMP,
YESTERDAY ABBOTT ANNOUNCED THE STATE WAS KICKING IN $250
MILLION. WHAT A WISE USE OF TAXPAYER
MONEY. YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO WASTE IT ON
SOMETHING STUPID, LIKE SHORING UP THEIR COTTON CANDY POWER
GRID. ( LAUGHTER )
ABBOTT WAS CLEAR ON WANTING MONEY AND WANTING WALL, BUT THE
OTHER DETAILS WERE PRETTY FUZZY. AS ONE REPORTER PUT IT,
HE SAYS TEXANS CAN DONATE THEIR PRIVATE LAND AND MONEY TO THE
PROJECT. BUT HE CAN'T SAY WHAT THE
PROJECT WILL LOOK LIKE, HOW MANY MILES WILL BE BUILT OR WHERE IT
WILL BE BUILT. SO IT'S LESS OF A BORDER POLICY
AND MORE OF AN IMPROV SHOW. ( APPLAUSE )
OKAY! I NEED THE SUGGESTION OF A PLACE
TO BUILD A BORDER WALL, HOW LONG IT SHOULD BE, AND A MINORITY TO
VILLAINIZE. OKAY, I HEARD SURFACE OF THE
MOON, 100,000 MILES, AND SPACE HONDURANS. BASED ON THOSE SUGGESTIONS, WE
TAKE YOU TO THIS PROCTOLOGIST'S OFFICE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HELLO, DOCTOR! IT'S A SNAKE! SPEAKING OF FOREIGN COUNTRIES,
EUROPE. ( LAUGHTER )
THIS SUMMER, EUROPE IS IN THE MIDST OF THE EUROPEAN SOCCER
TOURNAMENT. AN EVENT THAT HAPPENS ONLY, I'M
GOING TO SAY, EVERY SNGLE DAY? ( LAUGHTER )
ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT IT. THE EVENT IS CALLED
EURO 2020. BUT IT'S TAKING PLACE IN 2021
BECAUSE OF COVID, AND BECAUSE 2021 IS 2020 IN CELSIUS, I
THINK. ( LAUGHTER )
AND THERE'S ALREADY BEEN UNE SCANDALE GRANDE INVOLVING
PORTUGUESE SUPERSTAR AND SEX DOLL OF CRISTIANO RONALDO. CRISTIANO RONALDO. HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED. COCA COLA IS A MAJOR SPONSOR OF
THE TOURNAMENT, BUT DURING A PRESS BRIEFING, RONALDO DID
THIS: > AGUA
>> STEPHEN: RONALDO, YOU KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT. YOU HAVE TO MOVE THE COKE
BOTTLES WITH YOUR FEET. ( LAUGHTER )
RED CARD. RED CARD. ( APPLAUSE )
GIVE ME THAT BACK. I USE THAT TO CHECK OUT
BOOKS AT THE VATICAN LIBRARY. ( LAUGHTER )
AFTER MOVING THE BOTTLES, RONALDO SAYS "AGUA," WHICH I
BELIEVE IS PORTUGESE FOR WE DON'T HAVE COKE, IS PEPSI OKAY? ( LAUGHTER )
RONALDO IS NOT ALONE. FRENCH STAR PAUL POGBA DID THIS
TO A BOTTLE OF HEINEKEN ZERO POINT ZERO. >> STEPHEN: POGBA, YOU CAN'T DO
THAT TO ONE OF YOUR MAJOR SPONSORS LIKE HEINEKEN ZERO
POINT ZERO, WHICH IS NAMED FOR THE NUMBER OF GOALS IN AN
AVERAGE SOCCER GAME. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS! >> Stephen: I WILL SAY THIS,
THOUGH -- SPITTING IN THE FACE OF A SPONSOR LIKE
THAT TAKES COURAGE AND INTEGRITY. AND WHEN I NEED INTEGRITY, I
REACH FOR AN ICE COLD COCA COLA. ( APPLAUSE )
WHICH I ENJOY WITH A LITTLE HEINEKEN ZERO POINT ZERO. >> Jon: MM-MMM, MM-MMM. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
PRINCIPLES. MM-MMM! ( LAUGHTER )
(GAGGING) AGUA. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUEST IS NATHAN LANE, BUT
WHEN WE COME BACK, MEANWHILE STICK AROUND.
