Stewart Francis' BEST One Liners | Stand-Up Compilation | Jokes On Us

it's romance ladies in bed I like to spoon anybody else do heroin am I guilty of being romantic you be the judge a bottle of champagne on Ice the dulet voice of Luther vros fills the air a trail of rose pedals lead to a bed on which I'm lying naked bedroom door slowly opens and I whisper those three special words happy Birthday Dad when women see me naked they say I look like a Greek god hermaphrodite what's he uh I like my women the way I like my skis Ed with a little wax on their bottom I'm a very lucky man I have an amazing wife who has given me three incredible [ __ ] romance thank you very and the topic is family St before I uh Rock the microphone I want to um I want I want to dedicate my performance to my father who was a roofer so Dad if you're up there I'll tell you about my family I'm the youngest of three my parents are both older and um I have mixed race parents my father prefers the 100 meters and my mother's [Laughter] Pakistani I was raised by my father my mother left before I was born and you know I like being raised by my father he's schizophrenic but he's good people I remember one summer I was five and he was uh musolini went to the park that day I love Parks standing in the park today wondering why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets and then it hit me my uncle's a hypnotist who has never inappropriately touched me I uh I have to leave now I'm a member of over actors Anonymous and we have an over actors Anonymous meal that starts [Applause] in the topic is school you uh you looking at a very proud Canadian who's very proud of the education system in Canadia I was horrible in school I failed math so many times I can't even count I preferred French over chemistry cu the chemistry teacher and I just didn't have any um Rapport one teacher said I'd be a better student if I spent less time flirting I immediately jumped off his lap one teacher used to always say I wasn't very observant but you know what that was his or her opinion I was going to join the debating team but someone talked me out of it in high school I was voted most likely to [Laughter] [Applause] reminisce and it's relationships I like my women the way I like my coffee picked by migrant workers now I've got a girlfriend I've been going out with my girlfriend for sex my girlfriend actually thinks I'm incapable of being faithful my wife on the other hand hates that joke and I'm not ashamed of my wife if you don't believe me go to the car and ask her ask her loud she's in the boot is my wife dissatisfied with my body a tiny part of me says yes I was previously married I married way too young a Chinese girl that's her name I remember way too young was so beautiful Fab cook too that was her cousin she was hot too it was a good-looking family it's thought that most men's sexual fantasy is to be involved in a threes and I thought it was mine until recently I was involved in a threesome and I'll be honest with you my friends I didn't like it halfway through I stopped and said listen Rick Jim the next topic is Health that was a long walk okay Health money MoneyWise I'm set for life provided I die next Tuesday ladies I wasn't circumcised I was circum navigated just because I have arthritis doesn't mean I can't live a normal hole I'm a paranoid schizophrenic but you know what they say unfortunately for agrh bics the Cure is just around the corner my manic depressive buddy was attacked by a bipolar bear my therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance we'll see about that my neighbors in the Guinness Book of Records he's had 43 concussions he lives very close in fact just a Stones throw away but the point to your health my friends the subject is marriage who wants to commit on that uh I'm not married if I was married would I be able to do this for that long I am married my wife and I met at a castet class where we clicked that's not entirely uh funny no um we actually met in the museum and the rest is history 14 more um no we actually met at a driving range where we hit it off can't be true no we uh we actually uh we actually met in a library that's novel no uh actually Wayne Rooney introduced us it was a no-brainer only kidding I'm not married I am married that's why I'm wearing the ring oh no it must have falling off in that hooker anybody's married knows what I'm talking about when I say this that you really find out about someone after you marry them like for example my wife doesn't have a peanut allergy now it turns out she has a penis that's it she has a penis [Applause] topic is jobs ah ever since my best friend became a mime I haven't heard from him still has my leotard at first I didn't believe my father stole from his job as a lollipop man but all the signs were there I used to be a panta horse but I quit while I was ahead I worked in produce which wasn't exactly rocket salad I used to sell dining room chairs under the table I worked in China repairing typewriters I didn't like the job but I met lots of characters I worked in a sweat shop it was Soo I started a VD Clinic from scratch my topic is jobs my work is [Applause] over to is family homesick does my wife think I'm a control freak I haven't decided yet she used to hate that joke now she loves [Music] it the other night there at a party my wife got drunk and told everyone she invented the echo I said listen to yourself I'm not thrilled that my wife's in the bondage but my hands are tied pretty woman I call her doll face because she's so pretty and she's missing an eye I think we were both on bumper cars when I first caught my wife's eye now we actually met at a sushi restaurant and last week we went back for Old Time sake actually I don't think it's pronounced that way thank you very much to your okay work who is commend us where you go I uh I don't think I got the job at Microsoft they haven't responded to my telegram I used to be a mime it's only now I can talk about it I was a trapes artist but I was let go as a trampoline salesman off and on I made clown shoes which was no small feet I quit my job as a taxidermist for doing a half-ass job surprisingly as an accountant I was fired after only half an hour I quit my job at the helium gas factor I refuse to be spoken to in that [Applause] tone okay the topic is Leisure what's the deal with train spotters I counted 27 of the losers today my record's 41 my dad has a weird hobby he collects empty bottles which sound so much better than alcoholic I want to write a mystery novel or do I I've written a book about a transsexual with a speech impediment it's titled man or myth I like to go to bookstores and say to the Clark hello I'm looking for a book titled how to deal with rejection without killing in my spare time I like to fart on crowded lifts which is wrong on so many levels and the topic is jobs where you go was my French teacher into golden showers [Applause] we I'm a Canadian comedian but if people think I'm Russian Soviet as a gynecologist I was terrified of vaginas I won't go into it very sad I've just come back from the funeral of my coke dealer I was fired as a Boy Scout leader I wasn't prepared for that I used to to be a sarcastic high jump coach get over it used to be a professional table tennis player in Southeast Asia and recently I went back for a big party oh it was a real Hong Kong ping pong ding-dong And someone fart up the old karaoke machine ah it was a real Hong Kong ping pong ding-dong sing song and someone rang the doorbell cops was the cops I used to be a cop one night a guy asked me if he uh if he could urinate on my wrist I said not on my watch thank you very much good night

Channel: Jokes On Us

Views: 102,013

Keywords: comedy, stand up, stand up comedy, comedian, stand up comedian, new comedy, best of, full comedy show, comedy compilation, universal comedy, comedy central, mock the week, stand up show, comedy show, uk comedy, one liners comedy, quick jokes, mock the week stand up, one liners, stewart francis, stewart francis stand up, stewart francis jokes, stewart francis puns, stewart francis tour, stewart francis mock the week, canadian comedy, canada, stuart francis, canadian, america

Id: awf6YUQNMVc

Length: 15min 37sec (937 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 08 2024