Stewart Francis - For One Night Only

thank you thank you very much and don't worry i haven't heard of you either it's okay before i rock the microphone i want to um i want to dedicate my performance tonight to my father who was a roofer so dad if you're up there standing in the park today wondering why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets and then it hit me went to a karaoke bar last night that didn't play any 70s music at first i was afraid oh i was petrified did i already do my deja vu joke [Laughter] my grandma who's addicted to tea hates the way i say things she doesn't enjoy my visit my dad has a weird hobby collects empty bottles which sounds so much better than alcoholic doesn't it growing up i was on the impression my dad didn't like me very much because he hardly ever did anything with me he only took me fishing once and i remember swimming back to shore thinking [Laughter] [Applause] my dad doesn't like me very much i only went golfing once and i remember swimming back to shore thinking golf's a lot like fishing i have a girlfriend i've been going out with my girlfriend for sex [Laughter] [Applause] oh yeah we like the sex my girlfriend says i'm afraid of commitment well she's not my girlfriend he's more a wife [Laughter] my wife and i have decided we don't want children if anybody does we can drop them off tomorrow [Laughter] please we have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom in fact passive aggressive psycho turns five tomorrow who's a big girl so halloween is soon upon us i remember the first time my father took me trick-or-treating i remember swimming back to shore thinking [Laughter] snoopy costumes are heavy when they're wet i like what mechanics wear overall people call me a hypochondriac which really hurts i quit my job at the helium gas factory i refuse to be spoken to in that tone [Laughter] that's the thing my friends i'm a one-liner comedian i'm not a storyteller interesting how that all started i'm tired of people calling me lazy i've had it up to here [Laughter] no i am lazy i'm so lazy um i didn't write a punch just because i have arthritis doesn't mean i can't live a normal huh [Laughter] irony that's one thing i truly do respect about you people here in britain you get irony and it's everywhere today i slapped a homeless person so hard my charm bracelet fell off isn't that fantastic irony sharon osbourne judges talent i know irony there's a paper in britain called the sun no it's true you can't write this stuff there's a paper in britain called the sun yes my father was a man of few words i remember used to say to me son [Laughter] get your trunks we're going to the library [Applause] i went to university on a swimming scholarship in university i was going to join the debating team but someone talked me out of it uh i want to write a mystery novel or do i actually have written a book or have i won't do it again or will he it's hard to tell with this renegade i've written a book about a transsexual with a speech impediment it's titled man or myth i love to go to bookstores sorry wrong joke i'd love to go to bookstores and say to the clerk hello i'm looking for a book titled how to deal with rejection without killing do you have it [Laughter] my therapist says i have a preoccupation with vengeance we'll see about that do i watch a lot of television oh yes you're right maybe too much my favorite show is richard and judy i have a lot of respect for richard i couldn't work with my mother i guess what i'm trying to say is that i'm a romantic i'm such a romantic i actually remember my first date my father came along and acted as a chaperone which was awkward because my date couldn't swim but the point some of the things to remember i remember my dead uncle harry once saying [Music] he died two years later [Laughter] he was crushed by a piano his funeral was very low-key be flat i can't leave you on that note but as fantastic as you are i sadly have to leave i'm a member of over actors anonymous and we have an over actors anonymous meme that starts in [Laughter] an hour francis you've been fantastic good night everyone you

Channel: Pozzitive Comedy

Views: 365,240

Keywords: comedy, stewart francis, stand up comedy, funny, itv, stand up set, pozzitive

Id: HHhLX1bUczQ

Length: 8min 4sec (484 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 04 2020