Milton Jones' BEST One Liners | Stand-Up Compilation | Jokes On Us

the topic is Health my sister's got hay fever now she's got diabetes so I tried to cheer her up you know flowers chocolates about a month before he died my grandfather we covered his back with lard after that he went downhill very quickly recently had bird flu it's all relative isn't it you know if I had rabies and you often been bird flu I'd bite your hand off last summer I set up a clinic for colonic irrigation but the hose pipe band HIIT us hard mil let's see what subject let's spin the whe the subject is family one of my earliest memories is seeing my mother's face through the oven window as we played hide and seek and she said you're getting warmer my auntie Jean got a sister called Jean her daughter Jean just had a baby called it Jean they went to a nightclub to celebrate they got to the door and the bouncer said sorry you're all wearing trainers my grandfather je always complaining about how much things cost you £150 for a cup of tea £225 for three custard creams said look Grandad you just popped around I didn't invite you my other grandfather he was always going on about how in the old days people could leave their back doors open which is probably why his Marine sank my other [Music] grandfather when he died we didn't even get the chance to say goodbye which was all the more poignant because he drowned in a bowl of Cheerios and the subject is travel when I was young my mom used to put food on a spoon and say there's a train coming there's a train coming there's a train coming we always eat it cuz we knew that if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the railway Lan I tried to get here by train today they said today there's a bus Replacement Service so I gave them a tin of pineapple chunks I said what's that I said that's my money Replacement Service I didn't have any money cuz her friend nicked my fiver thanks that doesn't normally [Laughter] work anyway I managed to borrow a car and I parked it up in uh bus lane last year I went on a ballooning holiday put on four stone the other day I bought one of those off-road vehicles 3,000 quid got it home found out was a canoe It's Entertainment I was watching blue Peter the other day who's a neighbor with really bad circulation I said to him Peter why don't you get a pacemaker he said I can't even run let alone keep up with someone I was watching TV the other day and I flipped over and all I could see with the brown cushions on my soaper really close up you have to be careful watching television you think to yourself that bloke's better looking than me he's got a better car than me and he's got a cat called Jess my favorite film is the French film and I think was released over here as ET you have to admire people who go into the Performing Arts they have to do exercises every single day for their future careers big issue the subject is food who wants to talk about that Milton I went for an Italian recently well he was annoying me incredible to think isn't it that every single Scotsman started off as a scotch egg cold and gingery I was grilling some Tomatoes the other day saying who are you where'd you come from I almost got into the SAS I failed on one question they said right imagine the scenario terrorists have taken hostages they're holding them in an embassy what are your preferred tactics I said I like the orange on I was in the park the other day watching an old man feed the birds and after a while I thought to myself I wonder how long he's been dead when the boys in the playground found out that I had a potentially fatal allergy to peanuts they used to shove me up against a wall and make me play Russian roulette with a bag of Revels and the topic is careers at College I studied Agriculture and communication specializing in sheep in the end I came out with a baa after that I set up the British sheep census but I fell asleep halfway through [Laughter] that at the end of the day my dad always goes around pulling out all the plugs and turning out all the lights very safety conscious why he got the sack from air traffic [Laughter] control my nephew when he grows up he wants to be an accountant so for his birthday I bought him a great big bag of receipts so listen don't worry if you don't like them I've kept all the presents you know when you're a pirate and you work mainly canals annoying isn't it when you try and get one of your enemies to walk the plank they just run off down the toe path mind G the state of the toe path near us I wouldn't touch it with subject is relatives the scariest thing that ever happened to me in my entire life was when I was very little my dad said I'm just going to pop upstairs and he went upstairs and he popped I didn't speak to my dad well he was a bus driver you're not allowed to my brother he's allergic to cheese not the taste just if anyone says the word he goes doesn't happen very often but we've got some weird family photos my grandfather he was a GI and he was in the RAF okay was a giraffe during the war when board games were illegal he was put in prison for being a yachy sympathizer my uncle he was a security guard at the O2 Arena uh the topic is nationality if you're addicted to meths you're either an alcoholic or a South African with a real love of numbers got a friend who got caught shoplifting in Saudi Arabia fortunately he'd stolen a prosthetic hand unfortunately it was a second fence so I'm in France and I saw this little old lady knitting in the Town Square I said V Vu crochet I used to teach English in Germany first day I taught them everything beginning with a second day everything begin with B dday was a bit tricky so I'm in a disco in tran all these women dancing around a handbag singing Iranian men [Applause] Hallelujah recently I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet he sent me a large goat with a long neck turns out I'd phone di a llama the topic is employment I used to dream of having a job sometimes I go down to the bottle bank and stick my arms in through the holes and pretend to be working at a nuclear processing I lost my job as a prison officer for organizing a locking I only had one job as an architect but but apparently a revolving mosque makes it difficult to prey towards Mecca my first day working on a building site I felt sure someone would ask me to go and get something that didn't actually exist you know like striped paint or something sure enough someone asked me to go and get an air ambulance well I played them at their own game took my time and said oh no I just couldn't seem to find one you should have seen his face it was blue years ago of course I used to supply filofaxes for the mafia yeah I was involved in very organized crime the subject is family all my family are black and white I found my dad the other day he said you left the room before I finished speaking I wanted you to go to Holland and Barrett and get me some tablets where are you now I said [Music] Holland I always left the room before my dad finished speaking remember once he said why don't you go outside and jump up and down on the trampoline except I didn't hear the alen my grandfather he eventually achieved his lifelong ambition to be a lion whisperer just before he died Ash [Music] fail my mother she's got to the stage now where all she does is go on about who's just died do you remember Muriel she's just died do you remember AR he's just a I said Mom get off the roof and give me the gun and the topic is entertainment I'm reading a book at the moment it's called the anticlimax the first part is good I see Rihanna had to cancel a concert because she got Salon Ella Ella Ella I also see down by the temps they're making another wheel this time dedicated to Mary po called the London um [Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] ey my grandmother she got her scarf caught in one of those Ferris wheels but she did regain Consciousness after all what goes around I was in a nativity play once I was the man who scares the children cuz he comes into the Hall on the wrong day to play badminton [Applause] Lionel Richie says hello by the [Music] way the other day I saw a sheep pole dancing in a kebab shop and the subject is work I didn't think I'd get a loan from the bank for my n business but when I turned up actually wearing one of the ball clavvs I used to be a Weatherman in fact does anyone want to buy a broken barometer no pressure If there' been a mixup my uncle could have ended up as the next president of the United States he's an Undertaker in the army or barck MMA soldiers of course very emotionally repressed sometimes you see one of them go into the middle of a parade ground and Shout attention what he needs is a hug well that's what I thought my dad he was a soldier so of course as a family we're always moving around a lot cuz he used to use us for target practice 6 hours I had to wait in the other day for the electrician until he opened the cupboard under the stairs and I was able to LEAP out at him I remember when I was a policeman I was asked to seal off an area and I went and the topic is medicine I have to go to the chemist soon to collect my prescription not from P world like last time those tablets were very difficult to [Music] swallow recently I went to the chiropractors or as they call them in the capital of Egypt the practor I put my back out trying to shoot horses but it turns out the World Health Organization aren't trying to eradicate Polo my dad was a doctor my mom was a nurse they had six children we all left home early well they needed the beds I remember the birthday I asked for that game Operation 3 years I waited I was talking to a nurse the other day she said the main problem facing the NHS is HBY City actually she might have said obesity topic is transport so I was on the bus the other day driver stopped got off wouldn't come back apparently some blo with big teeth kept talking to [Applause] him before that though I overheard a mermaid on the bus she said I like sitting on the beach but my other half like swimming anyway reading between the lines is dangerous if you're waiting for a train anyway I did a show in Liverpool recently and afterwards a bloke came up to me and said Hey listen I want to talk I said we just keep practicing next month I'm in Northern Ireland County Down 4 3 [Music] 2 I don't need a relationship I am a rock I am an island sometimes I go down to airport arrivals and I stand with a piece of cardboard saying no one well I did that until I had to give a lift to a Mr noon and somebody music we don't know much about Galileo he was a poor boy from a poor family I live in a grade two listed building which of course means that everyone in it has to be quite good at the [Laughter] piano apparently all Chinese children are learning to play the piano know a tune called knife and fork [Applause] I'd like to take the band Abba out for lunch and if I could I would my friend fernandos when I was at school and it rained we used to have to stay in for wet play and when it was cold we used to have to stay in and listen to this really dull band ad79 Julia Caesar receives the first ever weather [Laughter] forecast hey C and it's jobs Milton have you noticed that if you Google the phrase lost medieval servant boy it says this page cannot be [Applause] found some of you are going to be doing that tomorrow I think if I was opening a Pizza Express I'd open it next to a Vision Express so we got some of their customers by mistake I think if i' had unlimited money I'd hire two private investigators and get them to follow each other do you ever get that thing where you think someone's probably definitely wearing a wig and you think I'm sorry your honor I'm a bit of a lazy writer according to my children querty and F12 being a PE teacher that's easy isn't it shiny I teach running run I teach swimming swim and a tiny tiny little bit of geography [Applause] joke the topic is shopping tricky isn't it when you go to buy a toaster and at the end the shop assistant says well what about insurance and you don't want to but you end up taking a hostage recently I bought the autobiography of Franchesco cell the man who invented cellotape uh but I couldn't find the beginning so lights if you want to confuse a girl best thing to do is buy her a pair of chocolate shoes so I took my cases and my clothes to Tesco because they say they help you pat your bags instead everyone was just running around going do want some fruit and veg do want some fruit and veg do want some fruit turns out I was one of those hypermarkets what else can I tell you about myself uh I own a small zoo and a pirate ship although not at the same time I didn't buy that much Lego I mean we think of pirates as being all Smiley and turns out they're actually all Somali now the topic is transport when I was at school my bike was smashed up it was my own fault really I just handed out leaflets saying bullying let's break the cycle we've been over there this again and again and again said my driving instructor pointing to the badger apparently there is actually a road in the north of England called quality Street there's only one person living in it and he's both Turkish and delightful tricky isn't it if you're both a moth and a sea captain in charge of a ship but up ahead you see a lighthouse you know you shouldn't toilets in trains are rubbish aren't they especially the one right at the front and the bloke in there gets so crossed the topic is safety where you [Applause] go just like to say to the old man who was wearing camouflage and using crutches who stole my wallet earlier you can hide but you can't [Applause] run of course these days a lot of people are putting poison on the menu of restaurants in the hope that French people think it's fish my dad's answer to everything was alcohol he didn't drink he was just very bad at quizzes I only have access to my son on Saturdays when he fell under the floorboards of a synagogue and I would like to see a world without plagiarism you may say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one you see my friends if I had a crystal ball I'd sit down very carefully they say that putting mud on your face is good for your skin but I saw a sign the other day that said sewage treatment works trust me it doesn't and top of is school so I went up to a fruit store the other day and behind it was my old maths teacher he didn't recognize me said can I help I said yeah if apples are 75 you know he just looked at me and went I thought oh no it was PE wasn't it music teachers so were rubbish they could only count to four and then they try and distract you with some music a woodwork teacher would always say my door is always open we'd say still not fixed it I went back to my old school the other day it was weird being back there the smell of varnish the echo of the science room room room memory of the fire engines anyway I was shown into the Phoenix Hall uh which wasn't there in my day my old math teacher said to me Jones how did you do it I said I used that old formula me times I can he said is that why you're dressed as a Mexican the topic is transport so I got here by train for the whole journey there was a child opposite screaming I could even hear him through my wolf mask but it was a quiet carriage and people were getting annoyed so in the end we both stopped howling then a stewardess got on the train she looked at me and said do you mind if I do my makeup on the train I said well it's still going to look like a train isn't it she put her hand out and said I'm Amber I said yes I think you've overdone the makeup anyway one thing led to another and well I'm going to skip a bit [Laughter] now I was sitting in traffic the other day and I got run over and the topic is history some things in history are good some things are bad uh some things are good and then they get bad like my great great great uncle was bored in the trenches during the war so we in Ed the HIZ jacket that was the last thing he did people don't really understand Evolution do they I was talking to an Australian the other day and he thought that he came from Darwin recently I wrote a book called all the things I've ever done in my entire life and I don't want to spoil it but in the end I write a book so what's got two eyes and smokes Pompei too soon my grandfather he can't do what he used to you know bomb the Japanese [Laughter] and it turns out you can't actually keep an artifact that you find with a metal detector if it's already in the British Museum and the topic is travel there you [Laughter] go so I'm in Brazil and I bought some fruit of some of the indigenous people and they turned around and said people who bought fruit on Amazon also bought these sausages I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep while eating a plate of broccoli and woken up thought you were in a forest what's worse than that though is falling asleep in a forest waking up and trying to finish the broccoli the Paris Metro that's the weirdest Tesco I've been in [Laughter] Easter isand that's a difficult place to find uh but it's in a different place every year the weirdest thing I ever saw though I was in reading and I saw this hem [Applause] party thanks that doesn't normally work and the topic is Parenthood away you go Milton I went back to my parents' house the other day looked into my neighbor's Garden where I used to steal apples as a toddler they didn't mind me stealing apples it was dressing up as a toddler they thought was I come from a family of auctioneers there's my mom my dad my uncle Phillip auntie iene my dying grandfather [Applause] going I said to my dad I keep making mistakes he said you're talking to the wrong person I said oh no not again he said well it wasn't as bad as that Uber driver had the other day fell [Music] [Applause] asleep so Calvin Klein's mom has labeled everyone else's pants when my daughter was born she had jaundice so there she was small round and yellow we called her Melanie apparently I didn't even turn up to one of my own children's christenings according to one of them they shall remain nameless and the topic is [Music] shopping those reward cards are rubbish aren't they got too many points on one of them and now I'm not allowed to drive it's really important if you buy something of course to read all the instruction C I don't know if you've ever tried to fill a baboon with helium prit is not the best lip salve I've ever used I couldn't complain Southern Comfort tastes nice ordinary Comfort tastes like fabric [Applause] softness but at least your burp smell of Summer Meadows when I was in America I really got into the culture so I went into a shop and the guy said have a nice day and I didn't so I sued him the topic is communication not a good day today no one turned up to the first meeting of my sarcasm Club despite loads of people saying how much they were looking forward to it do you ever do that thing when you're on the phone you put it down no you put it down no you put it down listen you're a qualified vet and it's an old dog do you know it was so cold the other day in the city of Chester when I ordered a taxi I ended up in Chichester the only bright point of the journey was seeing a car going the other way with a seat belt around a [Applause] kebab my wife and I we argue sometimes you've left the lid up you've left the lid up yes but what if it's a man the next person to use the toilet it's a pedal bin it's a pedal bin it was her birthday recently I took her to an orchard in Somerset we stood for about 20 minutes not the Apple watch she wanted thank you very much [Applause] not

Channel: Jokes On Us

Views: 1,142,816

Keywords: comedy, stand up, stand up comedy, comedian, stand up comedian, new comedy, best of, full comedy show, comedy compilation, universal comedy, comedy central, off the kerb, open mike, live at the apollo, mock the week, stand up show, comedy show, british comedy, uk comedy, milton jones, milton jones stand up, milton jones jokes, one liners, one liners comedy, quick jokes, mock the week stand up, mock the week milton jones

Id: hgJcA_ZDfDc

Length: 37min 28sec (2248 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 08 2024