It's Not Easy Being A Man With A High Voice. Jeff Shaw - Full Special

well thank you very much it's great to be here in Provo Utah I'm making friends already front desk clerk at the days in said comedian huh are you funny I said if I were funny I'd be staying at the Marriott people are so friendly here I asked somebody where I could find a good cup of coffee they prayed for my soul I went to a guitar store in town and ruined some teenagers day I said no kid I am not Getty Lee from Rush which kind of bummed me out too because the only thing worse than being a goofy looking dude with long hair and a high voice is being the wrong goofy looking dude with long hair in a high voice are you the bass player from Rush no I'm the lead singer from Mario Speedwagon well I don't like that well in that case I'm Owen Wilson with a nose [Applause] job it's not easy being a man with a high voice because although some of you are thinking it's not that high most of you are thinking you're a man congratulations on your journey of self-discovery because of this voice I've spent my entire life defending my masculinity in grade school nice voice Jeffrey you sound like a [ __ ] well I'm not a [ __ ] my daddy says I'm a [Applause] tomboy in the Army nice voice private why don't you grow a pair because drill sergeant if I had a pair I'd be in the Marine Corps even now in comedy hey nice tote bag Jeff is that your purse no it's not my purse it's my genuine leather Harley-Davidson motorcycle utility bag I carry my hair care products in call it a purse one more time I'll reach in pull out my detangler brush and beat you with it I called my first dry bar comedy special manly girly man because although I'm not a manly man I'm not a girly man either I'm right in the middle of what you might call a manly girly man whenever one of my manly man friends says hey Jeff what would you rather have bro a Dodge Challenger Hellcat or a Shelby Mustang 5.0 I'm like I don't care bro whichever one has eight cylinders and comes in purple whenever one of my manly man friends says hey Jeff who rocks harder bro Aros Smith or Metallica I'm like Aerosmith bro because those guys are survivors and Dude Looks Like A Lady is my J if there any manly men here tonight and we have a few you sir are a manly man you sir a manly man you sir on the waiting list how do you like that sir you just got roasted by Keith Urban sister but if there are any manly men here tonight who are wondering if you twoo like me maybe a manly girly man there's a way you can tell so with apologies to one of my favorite comedians Jeff you might be a redneck if [Music] Foxworthy if you've ever watched walked into a butcher shop and asked for pumpkin spice beef jerky you might be a manly girly man if you've ever watched a professional wrestler Pummel an opponent with a folding chair and thought nice Cape you might be a manly girly man if you've ever watched a John Wick movie with keano Reeves and wish there had been more scenes with the dog you might be a manly girl in man if a woman ask you if you have protection and you whip out a tube of sun block you might be a manly girlly [Applause] man if the only thing you've ever made with your own two hands is glutenfree banana nut bread sir you might be a manly girly man if you carry an allen wrench on your keychain just in case you make an Impulse by Ikea you might be a manly girlly man if you've ever thought of becoming a long shoreman just so you can get discounts at Pier One you might be a manly girly man and if you're sitting there thinking but Jeff didn't Pier One go out of business over a year ago then you are definitely a manly girly [Applause] man and finally if you've ever turned three albums worth of funny at formulaic on liners into a multimillion doll entertainment Empire you might be smarter than a fifth [Applause] grader I am a proud veteran of the United States [Applause] military now I'm not saying that to impress anybody here who's ever served in the military I'm saying that to embarrass anybody here who's ever been turned down by the [Applause] military that's right they didn't take you but they took [Laughter] me I love telling people I'm a veteran because I love the looks on their faces their mouth say thank you for your service but their eyes say don't ask don't tell I served in the Army Reserves from 1983 to 1989 for those of you who served in the Marine Corps that's 6 [Applause] years I know what you're thinking but Jeff aren't you worried about offending Marines with that joke no of course not Marines are tough Marines don't get offended by stupid jokes they don't understand I'm going to take a second while the Marine veterans explain that joke to the Navy veterans it was my dad's idea that I join the reserves at 17 he said I'm joining a reserve unit why don't you join my unit we can go to drills together it'll be our Father's son thing that we do together every month they said have you heard of fishing but my dad gave me an ultimatum he said you either find a summer job or go to basic training for the Army Reserves and I thought oh man if I get a summer job I'm going to have to get up early be on my feet all day and take orders from people let's try this Army thing my dad told me that if I join the Army the Army would teach me how to be a man instead the Army taught me how to make my bed iron my clothes and polish my shoes everything my mother been trying to teach me for 17 years now you know why women love a man in uniform they know he can do [Applause] chores and when they say that women love a man in uniform I think what they mean to say is women love a man in a certain type of uniform Soldier fireman cop no woman looks at a guy in a Dairy Queen uniform and goes let's get this party started blizzard boy and now that I am middle-age I think it is so awesome that 17-year-olds are allowed to enlist because I don't know about you people but I sleep much better at night knowing that our country is being defended by the same kid who couldn't make me correct change of Cold Stone crey Basic Training piece of cake for a 17-year-old basic math not so much think about it you have to be t 25 to rent a car yet 17 to serve your country the same country that won't let you rent a car till you're 25 now you know why the Army has tanks their privates can't rent cars Herz is like 17 we're not trusting you with our Hyundai you come back at 25 with a fully developed frontal lobe and a credit history but the Army is like 17 why not take this $5 million tank for a spin feel like crushing some rental cars son there's a Hertz location right off base the maximum age from listening into the military is 35 because that's the age which the average person starts thinking clearly and clear thinking is not an attractive quality in a new recruit you tell a 17-year-old private to take that Hill he'll say thank you Sergeant I am bored by the lack of ammunition whizzing by my head may I take a friend on this field trip arua but you tell a 35-year-old private to take that Hill he go I don't know sge I hear some shooting going on up there that can't be good isn't there another Hill I can take maybe one with a Starbucks and free Wi-Fi I joined the army because I wanted so badly to be a manly man at 17 at 17 I saw that first Rambo movie with Sylvester Stone First Blood I walked out of the movie theater going I want to be a green morray and this Vietnam veteran sitting behind me went high five young lady my Army recruiter saw me coming a mile away because they love any teenage boy who wants to be a manly man tell me some would you like to learn how to blow stuff up yes sir I mean yes sir there is nothing more frustrating for an army recruiter than a teenage boy not obsessed with becoming a manly man tell me son would you like to learn how to blow stuff up no sir I'd rather learn how to bedazzle my uniform so I can turn olive drab into Olive Fab well in that case son the Air Force recruiter is next door weird thing about going to basic training between my Junior and Senior year of high school is I had to fin finish my senior year of high school I returned to my senior year August of 1983 weighing 135 lb bald as a door knob everybody treated me like a hero oh Jeff you're so brave oh Jeff you're so courageous couple weeks go by I found out everybody thought I was seriously ill oh Jeff you're so brave oh Jeff you're so courageous I'm like guys I'm not sick I spent the summer going to basic training for the Army and my teacher like oh makeawish is such an amazing organization and although I am an American and I love America I also love our sister country America a lot of my friends in uh European countries will say hey Jeff what is the difference between an American and an American an American is a proud C of the United States of America the greatest country on the face of the planet and in American is somebody who makes the rest of his wish we were from Canada an American is somebody who goes to Germany to defeat the axes powers in American as somebody goes to Germany sees a German shepherd and says hey they got the same dogs here as we do in America an American is somebody who goes to France to tour the LOF in American is somebody who goes to France and says hey what's the French word for bon voyage an American is somebody who goes to Italy to follow in Da Vinci's footsteps an American is somebody who goes to Rome stays in a five-star hotel and asks the concierge if there's a Papa John's that delivers and I am a proud American because I have long hair a lot of my friends will assume that that I'm liberal but I'm not a liberal I'm a moderate or a Centrist I used to be a liberal but then I made way too much money doing comedy that's right folks nothing staunches a bleeding heart more quickly than being in a higher tax bracket back when I was a broke liberal I was like increase funding for food stamps and Planned Parenthood now I'm like eat cereal and get a hobby back when I was a broke liberal I was like boycott Amazon because they exploit their workers now I'm like free du they shiing yeeh so although I'm an American I did have an America moment last year Carnival Cruise Line sent me on a cruise to Honolulu Hawaii and for some reason as I was walking around visiting that sacred site making the pilgrimage that a lot of former service members make I did not focus on the fact that there were Japanese tourists there trying to commiserate over our shared tragic history all I know is I saw Japanese tourist and I don't know if it was because of the Heat or too many banana daies on the tour bus but I decided that it was my duty as an American to exact Vengeance Against The Sovereign island nation of Japan in the name of the United States of America for December 7th 1941 by jumping into the picture frames of those poor people's photos and one of the retired military tour guides saw me he said I've been watching you mess with the Japanese folks all afternoon you mind telling me what that's about young man I was like yes sir sir I'm so sorry I'm a proud veteran of the United States military however I am way too young to have served during World War II so the best I can do is be the only US military veteran who can proudly say that he photobombed the Japanese at Pearl [Applause] Harbor probably the scariest thing about being a middle-aged man in America is the high price of healthc care somebody asked me what I would do if I won the Powerball I said go to a doctor Rod of network and then as soon as he'd say would you like me to write your prescription for generic I'd say no name brand baby I'm a baller my deductible is $6,900 which means the insurance company won't pay a dollar of my medical bills until I've spent nearly 7 Grand of my own money that's like a friend who owns a moving band going sure I'll help you move just meet me at your new place with all your [Laughter] stuff as soon as you get your couch up the stairs me and my crew will bring your throw pillows up even routine doctor visits are expensive I went to my care provider to see how my acid reflux medication is working and the clinic sent me a bill for $600 I said $600 I saw a nurse practitioner on her lunch break not Hamilton on Broadway they told me that $300 was for the consultation and the other 300 was something called a facility fee I said what's that they said a facility fee is what we charge you to rent the office you meet the doctor in like $300 to meet the doctor in her very own doctor's office for $300 I could WR out the banquet room at the Olive Garden well Le that I could get a new prescription and oh you can eat bread steaks and unique bragging rights hey Jeff did you really go see the doctor at the Olive Garden how was that oh it was awesome my doctor told me all the foods I'm not allowed to eat then I ate them all right there right in front of her did you know that ambulances are so expensive that people are taking Ubers to the hospital that sounds like fun doesn't it yeah Gustavo what do you mean you can't find me you can't miss me I'm the one lying in the street with my left leg at a right angle yeah just look for the yellow link scooter hanging from the Street Lamp I'm right underneath it what am I wearing oh a yellow sweater with black tire tracks I am so rocking the Charlie Brown look today what happened oh you're going to love this I got run over by a lift driver but jokes on him cuz I'm taking Uber to the [Applause] hospital although I'm 55 years old I got carded the other day and it felt great of course it was at a vaccination station but I'll take it they say 55 is a great age I sure hope so because that's the age I'm going to be for the next 10 years 55 is a great age because I don't have to dress to impress anymore because at 55 people are just impressed you're dressed when you're at 25y old man people are like that tie doesn't match that shirt that Belt doesn't match those SHO shoes but when you're a 55y old man people are like wow your body's covered that'll do let's get some wings the great thing about being 55 is I don't have to look great I just have to look great for 55 and living alone with no dependence took care of that I went to my 20year high school reunion and saw a 38-year-old classmate of mine who's a hardworking dad with six kids I mistook him for his father I was like hi Mr Jackson how's Craig he's like I am Craig you idiot I'm like oh I'm sorry Craig I got confused seeing you here with your mother he said that's my wife you idiot I'm like wow how's that Brady Bunch thing working out for you they say that it's harder to stay fit when you're 55 I think it's easier all you have to do is adjust your Fitness s when I was 25 I went to the gym to get buff and ripped now I go to the gym to feel less guilty about eating Pie as soon as my Fitbit says 500 calories it's goodbye walking Track and hello Bakery 25-year-old me wanted to be buff 55-year-old me just wants to be regular 25-year-old me was like I just ADV 200 with no spotter 55y old me is like I just went number two with no Spotter and health club locker room talks a little bit different between younger men and older men younger men are like hey bro what do you take whe protein or we we protein bro whe protein bro cuz it's way better bro that's why they call it way protein bro but middle-aged men are like how do you get your fiber from Powder chables are you kidding I'm 60 I stick firecrackers up my butt I was so in the bodybuilding at 25 that I was afraid to appear weak so I wouldn't let anybody spot me on the bench press no thanks dude it's only 225 if I can't get 225 up on my own I deserve a crush trachea who knows it might even make my voice deeper [Applause] but at 55 I WS up to the biggest steroid munchers in the gym and go would you mind clearing the weights off the bar for me so I don't strain my forearms and these guys aren't thinking wow this dude is weak they're thinking wow this lady is safety [Applause] conscious and although I'm a very youthful 55 the older I get the harder it is to relate to younger comedians I work with not too long ago I worked with a 24 year- old comedian and he couldn't understand why I'm not on Tinder how am I supposed to explain that somebody half my age how am I supposed to explain to somebody half my age that casual romance with a stranger simply isn't worth downloading another app to my phone what's the matter bro don't you like hooking up with hotties bro I'm like yeah bro but not of a means Crea a new username and password bro thank you very much I'm Jeff good

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 289,191

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Jeff Shaw, Jeff Shaw Dry Bar Comedy, Jeff Shaw Comedy, Jeff Shaw Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Stand Up Comedy Clips, Stand Up Comedy Routines, Stand Up Comedy 2024, Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Manly Girly Man, Man With A High Voice, Lower Your Voice, Deep Voice, How To Get A Deep Voice, Funny Comedian, Stand Up

Id: 4l2UTSuTSpg

Length: 23min 24sec (1404 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 08 2024