Mock The Week's "Scenes We'd Like To See" Supercut (Series 7-9)

now we come to our final quickfire round called scenes we'd like to see this for everyone so if you can all make your way over the performance area please I call it ideas for scenarios we don't see in the performers come in with their suggestions right here we go the first subject is things you wouldn't hear from a weather forecaster the Met Office have issued a weather warning they've told the weather not to do that again or they'll be trouble temperatures could rise to 31 degrees shut I've left my baby in the car a hurricane tonight will be caused by low pressure and God's hatred of homosexuality a huge depression over Scotland and no the weather and finally a warning to hay fever sufferers don't come sneezing the Emir I'll rip your face off so here's the summary Monday night Tuesday night Wednesday night Thursday bollocks the humidity is rising the barometer is going low tonight for the first time just about half past 10 it's gonna start raining men yeah it looks great for the weekend I've got three grams of coke in my pocket and my wife's on holiday well let's go to Carol on the roof of television center she's not meant to be there she's just a bit depressed this part of the country is going to stay hot and wet for quite some time because that's where my girlfriend lives so yeah so it's gonna be between 17 and 21 but Berlusconi won't date older than that it was raining cats and dogs last night I should know I was throwing them off my roof what are you watching me for look out the [ __ ] window it's gonna be prouder tonight I love those German birds what do you care what the weather's gonna be like you look [ __ ] in all your clothes the next topic is deleted lines from Star Trek Kirk to enterprise ok how about if I stand over here Scotty that's the most convincing your accent has ever been captain I can see an alien ship approaching it's not showing up on the radar it's a circular vessel some sort of lettering and number are no Sarek schmuck it's my tax disc I have no emotion my mother was a Vulcan my father was Gordon Brown all right which one of you a Muscat jag this is the Federation of dear planets open your docking bay and prepare to be boarded hey what spot your towel is a lot softer than mine Captain's Log just see some aliens oMG WTF lol smiley face who are these terrifying aliens you can't call them that anymore captain hey sir who do and still it welcome to the SS enterprise mister Eccleston now which one of you put your red top in the washing with all the yellow ones [Applause] there's gonna be some changes around here they call me captain Tati Bojangles I know it's wrong Captain Picard what's wrong I'm a serious Shakespearean actor I'm talking to the ambassador of the [ __ ] worm people unlikely things to hear on a survival show I was first taught to eat in the bush by a French girl I went out west at University to get the fish break the ice jump the check out and run not only is this Lake good for fish but we can also put a body in it using excrement mud and twigs they've made primitive bedding here at the premier Travel Lodge climb in the Congo let's sell this once and for all do you boys like um Bongo Here I am in the jungle the mighty jungle to her I'm in my way I win my way but who are the truly civilized is it the imboca tribe or is it us with our books our medicine and our internet oh yes it's us [Applause] of course food is a scarce and valuable resource to these tribes people so I've just bagged myself two nights with this fellows wife for a Twix you know Ant & Dec think that their jungles pretty tough will they join me today there was no food so I at them the villagers get up early and walk five miles to fetch clean water every day which begs the question why not move the village closer there's strong powerful Sun is making me sweat [ __ ] here comes his dad [Applause] I've been living in these woods for three weeks now that's what happens if you're married to the Home Secretary and she catches you watching porn I'm Bear Grylls and this is my brother Wolff stir fry just achieved my life's ambition of climbing Everest with no food and no equipment [Applause] unlikely things to read on a packet ragu sauce if you give this to someone who is actually from Italy they punch you in the face to open push down tab break tab swear repeatedly stabbed with a pair of scissors serves for your greedy bastard now put some of that back viagra are proud sponsors of Andy Murray for people who can only ever achieve a semi bag may also be used for auto-erotic asphyxiation Fairtrade coffee if you don't like it you're racist son Eagle eight counts towards your favor D as minus two - stop diarrhea take one teaspoon and shove it up your ass [Applause] adults and children over 12 years try not to get those two mixed up [Applause] cup-a-soup just add soup best before date rohypnol serving suggestion on a plate you thick [ __ ] we use only the very cheapest horse meat to make [ __ ] it it's just a cat deleted lines from a fantasy film I am Aragorn son of Arathorn the heir to Isildur a part of the Fellowship of the Ring please leave a message after the tone Ron had been suffering from swine flu and people were avoiding him luckily he was gendering he was used to it I don't know why you're so upset Harry the original Dumbledore died three films ago and no one gave a [ __ ] did you find Narnia in the wardrobe no Edmund we found your porn stash my friends we will never hear the word Mordor again taggart has been canceled no Harry it's not a five headed dog it's Girls Aloud I am Aslan formed by the merger of Asda and Madeline we had only been there for a day but to us it felt like 15 years that's Birmingham did you honestly think I could be defeated by someone younger I Arlene Phillips welcome to Mordor twinned with Swansea this will never work Frodo in the wardrobe we found a magical compartment that led to the Fritzl family oh no in my pocket all right chunk that's going all right yeah as kids right see you later I'm not a dwarf I'm a LESBIAN Kings you don't want to hear from your flatmates that's my milk in the fridge I squeeze it out of my debts with a vase no we can't share the electricity bill I've got a phone charge on a laptop and you're on a life-support machine my last flat was just like friends have you seen the one where Joey tells everybody I love talking to you with you I can be my real self there's just two of us three if you count God I'll give it ten minutes in the toilet if I were you that one could talk well if you don't think I'm I nosy bastards why did you write that in your diary oh that that's just a novelty shower gel in the shape of a webcam hey you said there was enough room to swing a cat look at this Oh a mr. G had called and says it's time I don't see why I should pay for half the little when I never use any I'll tell you what that Hoover is powerful okay thus there's one certain way to find out who eat my yogurt and AIDS test unlikely things to hear on the consumer program i'm adriaen choice how i was shot by the new shrek film you have not been paid for it though I seem to be starring in it consumer scams are on the increase if you'd like to find out how to stop them send us your name and address your date of birth and your mother's maiden name I've just found out my jumper was made by Indian slave children can I just say they did a wonderful job next we speak to Barbara who was devastated when she bought Daniel Bedingfield tickets the turned out to be genuine at first the company seemed willing to compromise then we sent them a letter from Nicky Campbell and they told us to [ __ ] off I won't be on this show next week because I'm going off to Nigeria to pick up my lottery winnings last week we said that we were going to expose London's security scene last week we see those be no misunderstanding could I please have my kids back on closer inspection mrs. Wilkins your hamster's jacuzzi would appear to be a food blender Hey I'm Nicky Campbell and I've been playing through the usual five sacks of heat meal to find this letter complaining about washing powder today as I stand before you panelists in the last clothes I own we ask is divorce biased in favor of the greedy [ __ ] who left make sure we got there the weight of a crap the FUBU crap the locals were racist what a bloody brilliant holiday of the half dozen condoms we tested all the to burst in my stomach and without plastic surgery I'd look like et's balls okay the next up again things a sports commentator would never say oh they've called in the video referee which is better alien or predator oh yes and that's a beautiful uppercut and another one but hey the DJ is still not gonna change the track Jimmy wait holding up the queue there as it collapses at the Telenoid bends welcome to Robot Wars cruncher ready Steven Hawkings ready and England have won the ashes so the women's 100 meters final and from left to right it's nor nor yes baby the Queen smashes Camilla in the face of Prince Phillip hits her with a hammer this is what I call a Royal Rumble Venus Williams has brought something definite to the lady's game male genitalia oh he's great with a dead ball when I had one I had to sit down for a week and I think that massive widescreen close-up of the wedgie goes some way to explaining why we don't normally televise judo and that bloody smear is the reason you don't see a lot of streakers in Formula One some people on the beach they think it's all over it is now the Chinese secret police have shot them well he's finally got his head down his hands are firmly around the shaft which is why I'm handing over to John infidels overpaid overpaid knocks it onto overrated overrated as a possible rapist possible rape is not towards it go unlikely lines from a thriller Michael Peter David Vladimir I think we may have a spy in the organisation can we the Pentagon then the triangle and then the square pushy galore bond here I've been told by my doctor that I need to contact all previous partner the owner of this motel dresses up as his mother and stabs people but the gay Brook says it's still better than the Ibis I want you to go to Warsaw meet a man called borislav you'll then ask him why he didn't fix my plumbing before he left her home miss Scarlett looked at him through the window he had one massive testicle like a space hopper that was why they called him professor plum this is no ordinary pen bond turn it upside down the women's clothes drop off and you can see out of it red or green red or green which to ikat come on they're only peppers how long is he salad going to take we need to find the third man there's no way Amanda Holden will shag just two of us here's the Orient Express has been cancelled however there was a murder on the temporary orient replacement bus I have amnesia the tattoos on my body will tell me what happened darah was here I'd been a serial killer for four years but they'd never given me a nickname then you bite one guy in the ass suddenly you're the butt munch are bad things to say at a wedding I do don't worry the vows are simple just repeat after me eeny meeny makka record a ride DOM and I could check up on lollipop Iran pompous and we were now seeing him number two to five My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard when John went down and one knee I wish I'd known that he was having a stroke oh I'd like to thank Elsie for the flowers it was a funeral I nicked them from sort your best man's in an absolute state that's my mum now it's my job to tell some amusing stories about Gavin so first of all for a kickoff he's a hermaphrodite my bride always wears white isn't that right dolly man Carol's family have always had the dates about me so first of all let me explain why I'm naked this is my first gay wedding so you must be the pretty one my new son-in-law I would say this you have released me this monster is yours now I would like to apologize for the state of my clothes and the smell of sick only I spent last night in a skip anyway dearly beloved people have said to me why have you stopped being a bachelor after so long and I say well look at it she's wealthy and she's dying it wouldn't be a traditional Norfolk wedding without a speech from the father of the bride and groom bad things are here at the psychiatrist's I don't want you to think of me as a psychiatrist I want you to think of me as a mental patient who killed the psychiatrist before you got here you'll think you are a potato on the couch please welcome to your first session of Freudian analysis what seems to be the penis well you see that you're paranoid but I have a report here that says you looked very relaxed in the bath this morning oh yes I can see why you fancy your mother she's something of a fox I see you've tried to commit suicide five times your dad was right you are useless you've been coming here for six months to talk about your trust issues well we've been filming you for Breton's nuttiest bathtubs yes I think your parents caused your problems from a very early age little rena your thoughts that your horrific ly unattractive or all in your mind mr. Johnson okay word association I'm going to say a word and I want you to say the first thing that pops into your breasts Wow that's really interesting do you mind if I use some of this stuff as lyrics from my band you have emotional problems in a below average IQ I'm prescribing Hollyoaks oh that's a classic dream it means you're a pedophile I want you to go to your happy place judging by the size of you that probably Greg's hypnosis could certainly help with your intimacy issues while you were unconscious I rested my nuts on your head the next topic is unlikely things to hear on a TV talent show mm in sevens when early on Jax and his stow selling records and his Saturday job at HMV Paisley of course it's not a freak show now get your Siamese twin asses on that stage a new nail Papa don't preach she crosses lights up in the crowd cheers as Stavros flatly are crucified in flames I'm Rita I'm 87 and I'm gonna do keep you up with me boobs [Applause] okay you're right I don't really have any talent but I'm kind of cute I'm Kylie Minogue sister for god sakes what's a hilarious singing dog Susan boy lights when you when you said you were gonna soar a woman in half I thought you were a magician oh my family I'm gonna believe it when they see me on TV they think I'm dead hello I'm Susan Boyle and I would like to say hello to my brother Frankie [Music] susan boyle is not related to me none of my relatives will ever manage to chisel their way out of that cellar I am an escapologist today I have escaped from Broadmoor next on itv4 it's ITV series coverage of ITV two is making of documentary about the coverage on itv4 hello I'm a Billy [ __ ] and this is my partner Brian balls and together we are Billy and Brian raises cats they come over here they still uploading jobs that was a beautiful song until you [ __ ] sang it things you would want to hear at work oh oh you've already given Michael his dosage copied it's a shredder and what have you done to your ass so you probably want to know how I got the nickname dog botherer imagine that my first day at work and I appear to have slipped on a wet floor I think I might be entitled to compensation you mind if I leave early I've got to pick up the kids before that parents get there who's the CEO he's the CEO and I'm head of the agricultural division the CIA I owe those football bits that you've been sowing because I've heard that it's somebody's very special eleventh busty don't worry this isn't the first operation I've done last time I got almost the whole way round before the buzzer went off we've run out of semi-skimmed so I've topped your coffee up with breast milk did you mean it's not your tongue to make the coffee this is [ __ ] Starbucks get off your [ __ ] [Laughter] oops this air traffic control things not as easy as it looks I've always wanted to work in a library unlikely things to hear on a property program next cash in the Attic tennis player Pat Cash has a nervous breakdown and the point is estranged family today we help al Megrahi swap his one-bedroom soul for a Libyan place in the Sun let's couples grand is aim is to turn an abattoir and turn old folks home by changing the same I'm Sarah beanie and I'm not pregnant [Applause] you can't decide between the two properties well you're an MP why don't you claim for them both [Applause] [Applause] thing is I have actually heard that in a property program it's called and remember the prices of property can go down as well as plummet you know I said those ghastly beams what on earth are they for it turns out they were for holding your house I've actually got a sworn for a penis [Applause] michael has always wanted to live in the country and now he does his business is collapsed he's living in a caravan in the field in Herefordshire even on a collapsing market you can still make money from a flat like this we invited three different estate agents to come and value it then harvested their organs welcome to this episode of homes under the hammer where we attack Eamonn Holmes with that next on location Location Location Kirsty and Phil finally go at it like dogs and obviously this will all be included in the Dell blog got his back early quick had a garden well we've visited five properties so far but have all had alarms so no joy they're very spacious and with wonderful views for this flat as in Dundee so it might as well be belt out of [ __ ] rejected questions from this year's exams what color does a smurf go when we choke it translate the following into German two world wars and One World Cup doo da doo da how many pepperoni big boys could you feed 2 Victoria Beckham through a tube before she became visible to the human eye [Applause] what is the name of the force that pulls objects towards the center of the earth is it a gravity or B magic Katie Price is supposedly worth eight and a half million pounds and it's got a thriving TV career explain if George Michael leaves at eight o'clock for a five-mile drive when does he crash there are sex lines of equal length how long will carry Katonah be in the bathroom if a train is going at 70 miles per hour how surprised would you be what is amnesia is it a memory loss a memory loss or for the Battle of Hastings [Applause] if Sally buys three oranges and two apples how far south of Scotland is she [Applause] discussed the idea that Willy Wonka was a pedophile what is amnesia is it a memory [Applause] draw diagram at the male genitalia please use the tracing paper provided what are most Canadians renowned for saying a English is standards declining Pol Pot Genghis Khan shag marry or kill there's a wedding where Jean invites 20 guests and her partner Helen invites 40 guests how angry is good the next topic is unlikely things to hear on a TV business show well the foot see has had its best day since March he went shopping had lunch with friends and took in a show before shagging a complete stranger it met in a bar our invention lets you know whether or not a girl fancies you we call it beer okay dragons I've developed a system that lets you get your own seat on the bus and it involves talking slightly too lightly then petting your tail this morning I'm asking for half a million pounds and with that I will buy half a million lottery tickets good evening dragon jeez what the hell is that that's Evan Davis the host I'm out okay we may have lost some money promoting Michael Jackson Oh too but let's face it I've just signed a deal for the new Oasis to her hello and welcome to working lunch a show for people who are so good at business they're sat at home watching the TV in the middle of the [ __ ] day [Music] have three words for you reggae reggae condoms the last task was easy and let you cocked it up I only asked you to blow the bloody doors are first week the dragons meet a retired Nigerian Brigadier with an offer that sounds too good to be true today there was a hard drop on the foot see and I got a bruise II on my handy Randy that's weak the apprentices face their toughest task ever selling the sheet so darlin actually makes bad things to hear from the tour guides please don't take photos of the natives because they believe that you're taking part of their soul apart from that enjoy Norwich hello my name's Johnny I'm your holiday rep and basically I'll be giving out morning-after pills like there were Smarties Venice is most historical city famous for its ocean it's flooded everyone get back on the bus a lot of you will be wondering why there are so many wonderful foreign treasures on display here at the British Museum and the answer is quite simple really gun beats Pierre don't worry this castle does cater for the disabled they bring you a sandwich while the rest of us go up the steps to look at let's have a little song shall we Donna now now now now coming up later on we've got the topless donkey Derby and who's got the funniest Willie competition yes it's gonna be the best song a holiday you I know that a lot of you can't bear to leave Thailand which is why I've hidden drugs randomly in your luggage and as we enter the next room we I need you all to be very quiet because we have technically broken in if you need anything anything at all I'll be under your bed and if you look out the window on your left you'll see these side of the road that we should be driving on of course you have to respect local customs on the right hand side you'll see a women being bumped at the stick and on the left dundee town hall well this is the deepest darkest bit of the caves and this would give me 20 pounds each it's where you're staying and according to Wikipedia the East Wing was built in the year Dougie is a homo we're now leaving the green zone pop on your flak jackets this is the real Baghdad an adult and two children is 10 pounds but enough about my trip to Cambodia our next topic is unlikely things to hear on a breakfast show if the women I picked up last night is watching help yourself this cereal but get out of the flat by the time I get home and now it's time for thought for the day hmm a good one you're listening to 6 music yes you welcome to travel report got a text here from Dave on the m5 who says hahaha every morning you leave for work I pop round and shag your one so so if you're trying to get in fire Junction to stop it is against nature and the Bible says no pitch we speak to found Breton about having her stomach stapled this time to an enormous chocolate cake in other traffic news if you're on the m11 headed towards Middlesbrough I would turn around because it's a [ __ ] it's the effect of replacing milk on your way to mix with red ball and we can see there's been an accident northbound on the m1 and it is a beauty welcome to radio Tourette's you [ __ ] monkeys you may think of it as a breakfast show I had mine at four bloody 13 later Vanessa Feltz will be joining me on the city and I'll be bouncing through the [ __ ] cylinder lines you wouldn't hear in a horror movie can any of the water quick is a shock its body more I am Lucifer lord of the night and tonight I'll be singing complicated by Avril Lavigne Dave Dave wake up I think I can hear a noise downstairs wake up wake up oh hold on no it's just the washing machine I put it on earlier he's making a suit out of women's skin da Quan has gone too far this from Transylvania and I will suck you dry oh yes and what about your cheeky sister [Applause] now sorry Freddy I think you're set nerves on the blink this is own prison [Music] the child is vomiting its head is rotating and it seems to be possessed by the devil however Britain's social services have visited 20 times and they think everything's okay [Applause] I'm here to fix the hinges it's a vampire I cannot bear that sunlight just why I moved to Scotland but now I can't find any virgins red robbed red round is over the last and wins the national from the makers of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre comes the Swindon lawnmower kerfuffle this portion that sounds you from dr. Jekyll into mr. hey that looks a lot like six kinds of Steel stay away stay away from the castle the cafe's overpriced and the gift shop [ __ ] the next topic is unlikely things are here on a children's TV program we have John Craven if you want to see him again press the red button this right has been sent in by Roberts age name that's a [ __ ] drawing Robert children your age in China who can make shoes this week's episode of Thomas the Tank Engine has been canceled and replaced by Ronald the replacement bus service no no no it's not bag puss but it is a dead cat I've turned into a bag there's a rumor that the Teletubbies have been infiltrated by al-qaeda have you tinky winky dipsy Rashid and remember while crystal meth is a lovely treat it is very bad for your teeth slobber table a table do they bill bloody foreigners say things no good Abu Dhabi job said bed because he'd had a stroke in today children we're going to be learning where babies come from part one for play this year we're sending condoms to Africa so just ask your mom and dad to wash a couple out and send them in are your mummy and daddy out of your room good listen you're adopted next up sharpie and Ryan take that audition Phil you're very badly in Colombian high school musical things you wouldn't hear at a party conference Blackpool's nice isn't it unlike other party leaders I could mention I am NOT a slave to the autocue smile pause applause would you please welcome the man who's made the Conservatives an electable force again Gordon Brown I'm gonna turn my back for one minute and I want whoever stole David blankets dog to put it the delegates were so impressed by Ming Campbell's speech that they gave him a ten minute standing cremation kiss the baby no I'd better not it might set my tag off well I must say on this issue I'm with al-qaeda so for Scottish independence and cheaper parking vote s NCP in an attempt to be more like Barack Obama Gordon Brown has sensationally black top and I do believe we are the only party we're going to do anything about the amount of unemployed dwarves in this country right I saw one just outside holy assignments had no job too small we're going to open this BNP Conference with a prayer so if you'd all like to turn towards Mecca unlikely to here on the history documentary now follows a documentary about the Queen Mother which contains nudity and strong language from the Sun and it was here and this exact spot that faced with thirty thousand baying Frenchmen that Henry v shat himself on the first day of the Battle of the Somme over sixty thousand documentaries were commissioned I was in the parachute regiment has dropped over occupied territory four thousand feet three thousand two thousand i pulled the cord my cagoule tightened she world wars and One World Cup dude ah and it was actually here in this very tower that the princes were slaughtered William on Red Bull and vodka and 1547 Nostradamus predicts the rock group the Kaiser Chiefs he also predicts a riot a one-sided battle stood William of Orange on the other side Charles of o2 and Richard of Vodafone the final outcome of the second world war has changed the world forever so if you don't want to know the result next Eva Braun the adventure of the lady shave so it was my job to assassinate him LA so I stood behind the tree and waited for his car to come around the corner then I lucked out and I said boo sometimes all we had was the element of surprise Napoleon was imprisoned in Sint Elena which was extremely uncomfortable for her and he never took his boots off the Loch Ness monsters fact or fiction fiction good night course during the war I was brought up in Dorset none of us expected the surprise Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor unlikely things to hear on Crimewatch but before we see tonight's crime let's beat their judges police say they're looking for a black man in his 20s and that they always will be do you recognize this man thought not it's Nick Clegg they say criminals always return to the scene of a crime which is why we've probably got so many Australians over here coming up next week we'll be trying to solve the murders of the people who phoned up giving information on criminals this week today we're looking at identity theft I'm all the victims are deaf dumb or blind these are senseless killings baffled police are appealing for help do you know where Wally is so if you're being interrogated by the police and they're recording the interview just make sure that every so often you go out [Applause] tonight the Great Train Robbery London to Glasgow 235 pounds return tonight we're looking for the man who keeps on burgling my home every time I present this program and I work with a crime watch I'm your else right win said leave it use that don't go camping in the countryside we noticed that whenever the police find a body it's always in a tent hello I'm Nick Ross and tonight I'm asking who stole my [ __ ] job [Applause] unlicensed to hear on a TV election debate the truth labour ready Tory's ready I think of this studio as a second home which is why I'm claiming expenses for it and the lines have closed Gordon it could be you David it could be you Nick it's not going to be here we in the Tory party are going to give the north of England a huge boost and then all the people can come out and lick the chocolate of it if you're elected you'll raise taxes if your mum's that did she well it's me who got you into this mess and it's him that will get you out of it and at the end of that round Gordon you've scored no point I'm really very very proud of my working-class roots when I was growing up we only had an outside toilet eventually we got enough money to buy a house Jerell tonight you're gonna be mentoring the Lib Dems let me know what's your real name how will we shorten waiting lists simple by letting the week die I am almost certain that was a floating voter unlikely things are here at an award ceremony our next award is for most inaccurate weather forecasts of the year let's look at the 9,000 nominees welcome to the Islamic Awards for acting or as we call them the mosque Asst Oh God so many people to thank where to begin obvious one I suppose Hitler and the Award for Best envelope glue goes to [Laughter] now Teacher of the Year quite and down it's your own time you're wasting time now for us to celebrate some of the stars of show business who sadly are still with us just open the envelope oh it's full of gold award for special effects goes to the team behind Gordon Brown's smile and now we're going to watch a film showing some of the people that we've lost this year including two you didn't even know we're dead bang bang that wouldn't bang that but bang now anyway Award for Best Actress goes to welcome to the accident at work Awards [Applause] and winner of the suicide bomber of the year I'm afraid they couldn't be with us [Applause] and the winner of the best scientist in physics is there's no ramp Steven Hawkings it's not you things you would want to hear on a cruise this is your captain speaking welcome to a Somali cruise Oh we've had reports of an iceberg but don't worry no ship has ever been sunk by a lettuce hello and welcome to Ryan aircrews is the following safety announcement is incredibly vital if you want to stay alive and if you'd like to hear that that'll be an extra five pounds no no we're very rarely getting the injuries from people playing quotes you were just unlucky to be sunbathing naked with an erection oh yeah we were on this last year when it sunk if you look to your left there's a man-eating squid after that he's having chips I would like to apologize for the rocking of this boat but we are currently being humped by a whale thanks for coming to this show I've got to be honest it's been a while since I've sung this one do you wanna be my gang Maia welcome to Rita's erotic ping-pong bingo ladies Oh 333 Oh some Hobnobs those of you gathering on the car deck I said we would soon be docking not dogging I'm looking for a really old husband with money how's your heart Jana I'm in the cabin next to yours could you be a bit noisy when you're having sex there appears to have been an incident in the swimming pool if a mr. Barrymore could contact the captain for the truth here that's the end of the show this return is our Andy Parsons John Bishop and Russell Howard commiseration to Chris Alison Nunez and Sarah Millican thanks for watching I'm driving goodnight [Music] still an hour of comedy to entertain you here on bbc2 tonight a Rab sees the voice of the people next then Paul Whitehouse in Charlie Higson take on a string of new personas Bellamy's people at 10 [Music] unlikely things to hear in a fitness video boy we're gonna Ross Kemp on leotards now I'd like all you ladies to turn around face away from me bend over and touch your toes I'm Madonna I'm a fifth year old woman with the body of a 40 year old man hi I'm Michael Owen welcome to my Fit oh no it's gone again welcome to masturbate yourself in number swap arms or you'll end up looking like a wonky pop I wanna have the type of body to drive your friends wives crazy hi I'm John Terry hi today I'm on a Swiss ball uncomfortable particularly for the Swiss man it belongs to Hey wanna lose weight and gain a friend why not insert a tapeworm ladies and a man I'm the living proof that you can exercise yourself straight everybody wants a six-pack Oh enough already out of five hi I'm Cheryl Cole welcome to my boxercise video now for this first workout you're gonna need a nigerian toilet attendant and a really good lawyer okay go on see if you can raise your leg as high as I can I bet you can't because I'm Heather Mills unlike designs - here in a Hollywood blockbuster Nemo wait a [ __ ] of you baby look Mr Bond do you want to hire the Ford Focus or not mr. Vader we are the Child Support Agency you want the truth you can't handle the truth welcome to the Fox News Channel warning this film contains Jennifer Aniston look at its rolled-up newspaper man oh excuse me sorry where do you want to go Hans 18 bow I've worked out what to do with Goldfinger what we do is we put him in a big envelope Marc cash my gold why do you think of my father's for just this costume Robin mm cracking heroin Gromit look I'm just an X prime minister standing before an Iraq inquiry asking them to love him crossing Goryeo so this mission is impossible let's not bother Andy Dufresne when he walked into Shawshank I knew he was [ __ ] revenge will be mine Mr Bond when we meet in small claims court use the Force Luke and if that doesn't work turn it off and turn it back on again unlikely things to read and a Valentine's Day card I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vol Rogue is a red violet to blue I've got something nasty and now so do you you make me so hot I can't stop thinking about you lots of love mum happy Valentine's Day on this 24th of February love Royal Mail you're the perfect person for me pissed and gagging for it be my Valentine or die in a well I love your eyes I love your nose I love your smell why must you be a Labrador do we have to go through this [ __ ] every year you'll make my pants hot yours Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab it's my darling wife roses are red violets are blue valentine's Day is consumerist [ __ ] now haven't got some morning today roses are red poppies are red the grasses all red in the gardens on fire I'm a bit of a man for the ladies doesn't matter how clearly the gents are signposted I love you so much I love you like no other but never again laser with my mother laughs with me baby is like a rollercoaster it's called weight restriction we're just three words I want to say dream on [ __ ] science program 16:43 the cold air balloon is invented but it doesn't really take off for Einstein it was easy to choose a DJ name he would be MC squared hello I'm dr. Gillian McKeith and today I'll be sifting through your poop why because I was never hugged as a child now on five crop circles myth Oh bollocks let's to demonstrate chaos theory we've locked Boris Johnson in a room with an aardvark and some magic mushrooms I was the man who's discovered DNA I wasn't gonna call it that but I was giving a lecture to the Royal Society and I said gentlemen I believe I've discovered the genetic fingerprint of all human life there I've been Richard Dawkins good night and God bless thanks to carbon dating this skeleton is now going out with a short-sighted geology student who likes thin people that don't talk Martin 1891 so Alexander Graham Ben receives the first wrong number telephone call he realized that this equation was going to take him absolutely years so he switched to a Media Studies course which was a piece of piss I did have here a pie chart to demonstrate obesity apart from the human the only animal to enjoy having sex is a dolphin I had to shag a lot of animals to find out I'm a meerkat she's not lying tonight we'll be discussing molecular science our guests are Sir Patrick Moore Robert Winston and Dappy off of end ups with their tiny arms could the t-rex self-pleasure let's find out in another edition of wanking with dinosaurs unlikely things to get through your letterbox Royal Mail parcel delivery we called you were in so we ran away before you could answer just three pounds a month will save last year's X Factor winner from starving do you know what's in your attic it's me I've been there since Christmas have you seen this dog no maybe your windows are too dirty are you looking for a dog walking service then call ace kebabs on computer problems let me come round and swear at it why has your girlfriend stopped changing near the window love dad pizza buy one pay full price how's my driving call Oh a hundred crashed into your house deal mast Wayne house congratulations on turning 100 best buy she's the queen need a room clearing call me I'll come round and fart in it looking for an undertaker why not call Azkaban gardening service middle of the night especial t cauldros west on broad north too soon too hello my name is Ashley Cole here's a picture of me naked would you recognize a fake ID no great I'll be back in ten minutes the Taj Mahal Indian restaurant formally ace kibosh open your letterbox it's me I'll get free one day [Laughter] okay the next topic is things you wouldn't hear at the Winter Olympics and here are the British ice dance pair Heather Mills and John sergeant's and now over to Bob slit Bob how's the curling while we wait for them to get set up there we'll just pound the cam around a it's a beautiful scenery oh look there's a herd of moose oh no that's the Romanian women's ice hockey team this is the big hill oh that's long that's very long he's gonna wish shoot down these flies up it's 1:00 a.m. in the UK you're watching the women's figure skating why not just bite the bullet and Tom the television x4 the 10 minute beat and Britain comes away with two gold to silver and a bronze well that'll teach the Austrians a lesson for leaving their locker Open and we conditions here eating a bitter minus 20 degrees centigrade the British hopeful from Newcastle has put on a second string vest you're watching the women's curling men's curling women's you're watching the coaling no one has more experience on the ice than him what a wonderful games it's been so far for pingu and the conditions are perfect here aren't they John yes they are Bob I haven't seen this much white powder since that's tag weekend there's a hotel oh well that's what ice hockey is all about a man having his head repeatedly smashed into a glass wall this ski John will start as soon as the British skier takes his hand off the side and stops crying the skier surprisingly stopped off halfway down for a mold wine and a [ __ ] unlikely things to hear on a TV charity show okay away we go I'm Terry Wogan and if you don't donate to children in need I'll take [ __ ] over re and Antares agreed to do a lot for charity and her sister Verity Anderson and remember every pound you give leaves you a pound poorer all right look let's cut the bottom line you also in this a fiver will put the proper telly back on we desperately need your money where Portsmouth Football Club well that was some shocking footage there I don't think anyone could fail but be moved and Harrods by that horrible piece of film there but by the single anyway it is for a good cause next on ADHD relief will penguin or just 35 pounds a month you can provide the child with unlimited text messages and 500 every premiership footballer has pledged a week's wages so with that we have bought Africa coming up later we'll be poking Puggsy the bear with sticks and making him dance and if we reach the target of three million pounds I will shave my balls if you don't I will still shave my body so why not run the Sport Relief mile I'm going to Piers Morgan's coming celebrities have been doing their bit me they've been there texting in all night we've got one from Vernon Kay oh my god every time I click my fingers my PA brings me a cappuccino we have sent Nick Knowles to a poverty-stricken village in Africa my god having those people suffered enough Chris Evans has spent the night in a bath full of baked beans and when he sobered up he's going to come in and do something for comic relief and now the cast the West End show desperately plugging their dying music on this telephone raises money to get the homeless people of Britain gloves that's right it's time for hand relief just eight pounds a month can help these African children build a well to hate from Madonna commercials that never aired our website shows the complete range of pubic wigs compare the Merkin dot-com want to dress like you've got no GCSEs come on down to JJ B this ad may be thoroughly misleading the product may not work it may burn your face off [Applause] kolesberg don't do liver transplants but if they did fed up with your dull gray hair get used to it you're a squirrel a Daily Star because it's cheaper than toilet paper have you been injured in a trip or fall would you like to be injured incest just do it [Applause] Marmite you either love it or you hate it or you think it's okay but you'd rather have marmalade I'm a rabbit and they test makeup on me but I don't mind cuz I'm a bit of a slag Burger King because you can't taste anything when you're pissed have you got long dry hair could we stuff it down an oil well boy Church you have you've been rubbing your ass on the carpet again hello I'm Carol Vorderman and this is my grandmother yes I will literally sell anything I used to drink Strongbow cider with my mate Dave but he was killed by an arrow it's Christmas every day with new brussel sprout flavored condoms tastes like grandma's ankles do you want your erectile disfunction dealt with confidentially and sympathetically call floppy Willy calm [Applause] things you don't want to hear in hospital I'm afraid it's the Big C it fell off this sign at Curry's and hit your wife on the head whose penis is this come on push push we've got no staff and the bed needs moving so just checking your notes here you're mrs. a oh I'm sorry you've got mrs a you have acute angina and your tits aren't bad either [Applause] and if you don't want to know the results of your tests look away now I'll tell you something funny about dr. Thomas in his handwriting the words tonsils and genitals look exactly the same we're gonna put you to sleep now because you're old and it's the kindest thing to do so talk me through it again mrs. Hopkins you were having Sunday dinner you said to your husband will you carve and he just lay down on the floor and gave birth to a baby cow [Laughter] of course it's upsetting but you know Hitler only had one Borland okay well he did this is hospital radio I'm Chris miles and I'll be with you for the next 14 hours accept this sacrifice oh mighty Seder I don't like the look of the charts mr. Wilkins dizzee rascal at number one how many fingers that's right to [ __ ] off unlikely lines to read in the Bible the characters in this book are entirely fictitious and Samson said Lord why have you given me all my strength in my hair and the Lord replied because you're worth it no one noticed that the Ark was sinking he hated woodpeckers Mary and Joseph were turned away from the inn for there was no room but then a wise man came along whose name was Lenny of Henry it was a premiere [Applause] Jesus was born in a stable so in many years later when he left the door open and people said were you born in a barn he could say yes I was actually and then the trumpet brought down the walls of Jericho with his boo-boos Ella Moses arrived with the commandments for got some bad news for Dave the Ox lover the Last Supper was a disaster we're never going to Nando's again laughs in the courtyard Jesus came across a man who couldn't walk brother he said have you been involved in an accident it rained for 40 days and 40 nights which was a surprise because the Met Office predicted a BBQ summer Adam and Eve had two sons who could not work together their names were Lampard and Gerard the author this is God's first book he has Hassan and he's a little bit touchy about gays things you won't do your sat-nav say don't be angry but while you were getting petrol I shagged your iPod oh we there yeah oh wait [Applause] in 300 miles you will realize this gimmicky voice was a terrible mistake at the next set of traffic lights a cyclist is going to pull up next to you and give you a really dirty look like he's better than you when the light turns green let's see how good his balances turn right at the next Junction for a bloody good dogging signs no but you get out of car let your husband park turn right wrong I didn't say sat-nav says welcome to Jo boo lock the doors put on your bulletproof vest and don't leave me here if you go won't leave me I won't be here when you come back bear left and over to the right oh you just turned me on hold on I've got the map upside down left left your girlfriend's left next to the party you drink an ultra did you turn the gas off did you lock the door did you did you I reckon we should go back I reckon we should go back where the [ __ ] are we unlikely things to hear at the World Cup I'd say what that Nelson Mandela's a bit of a dick and on comes the sub for North Korea and it's torpedo to your position Heskey scores and there they are Scotland through to the final 16 and we're a bit push for time this week so the both sides have been told to just play the highlights the last time I saw African kids this excited Madonna was at their school with a net it's very hard to tell with his legs at that angle but no that is definitely a Brazilian yes on the one hand oh we lose at the tournament but on the plus side is told me tonight that's why Emmanuel Adebayor I understand exactly what you just said the English fans are taunting the American fans by holding up an oil covered Pelican good the James Corden's shows on next England of course are being sponsored by Tesco online which is why John Terry has just been substituted by three ripe avocados and here we are on safari there is a giraffe and an ostrich I'm terribly sorry it's Peter Crouch his parents England are playing fantastically this is a splendid DVD of 1966 Ireland couldn't be here but then Thierry Andre is a filthy cheating lying [ __ ] you like carpets okay the next traffic is unlikely levers two television channels did channel five your recent documentary on dyslexia was insightful and sensitive please show the boy with shit-for-brains again as a terrorist been watching countdown with interest this rubbish nothing happens dear news 24 go to bed [Applause] dear babe station have you actually read the trades description that I don't quite know how to put this but well done dear channel 5 isn't it time you just called it a day I'm writing to thank you on Sunday afternoon while I was watching television with my wife I was urged to press the red button I did and my wife had her first orgasm in 40 years dear al-jazeera please bring back your hit sitcom Men Behaving Badly History Channel the Nazis were bad we get it dear hallmark roses are red violets are blue your cards are [ __ ] your channel is too dear channel 4 why don't you pricks book me for any of your shows this guy sports - one thank you for showing the Grand National I won a hundred thousand pounds their points of view who should I complain to if I think point of view is [ __ ] [Applause] dear fiver if I give you a tenner will you please stop broadcasting dear channel 4 why not liven up Deal or No Deal by putting a nail bomb in one of the boxes bad things to say in the first days the last time I was in this nightclub I was still a man I've bought some condoms and in preparation I've got one on already yes I know it's only dinner but unless you sign this prenup you're not getting any my last girlfriend asked if I could play smoke on the water so I threw a toaster in her bath oh I see so when you put Bob Lee on the advert you meant fat you've got good hips let me see your teeth we'll take her actually during the day I'm something really high up in the city well so anyway so that's enough about me tell me about your sister okay I did crop my facebook photo so as you couldn't see my conjoined twin whoa how piss was I want to ask you out not as pissed as I was when I said yes [Applause] there's nothing you can do about it no I'm gonna shared you my dating history yeah divorced beheaded died here in a disaster movie from the makers of snakes on a plane come snails in a caravan I want you to upload the schematic to my PDA but I need you to send the picture to my mobile fro are you telling me that intergalactic war occurred because one of your people said I paid to the shops do you want something and replied yes get me a galaxy men we are heavily surrounded but don't worry Gaza has arrived with some chicken in a fishing rod it's one story of terror it's bungalow inferno listen to me I want you to take the kids I want you to go to your mother's you'll be safe there I'm gonna stay here and shag the nanny the boat is sinking there's not enough lifeboats and the worst thing of all celine dion is singing the things there is a house in New Orleans the Martins landed around 4 a.m. in Bracknell went and left again the ship is sinking I don't care I'm a duck just press that view this is a virus like we have never encountered 50% of the population will be debilitated completely the other half will be able to carry on as normal gentlemen this is man flu do you not realize if this contagion spreads the entire X Factor judging panel could be wiped out [Applause] rejected questions from this year's exams to keep them cool the testes of the male Homo sapiens are on the outside should he put them back in his trousers why lives free miles away from Kylie and Martin live six miles away from Wayne who got her pregnant if an oil well is spilling out oil at 50,000 barrels a day how do you stop it really how do you stop it if you mix blue and yellow how crap is your government if Mary has one Apple Thomas has an apple and an orange and Tarquin has two apples and orange and ugly fruit and two kumquats whose parents read The Guardian which is faster a cheetah or Mel Gibson leaving the mobos if you remove demands lower intestine and stretched it as far as it could go how angry would he be calculate the circumference of Eamonn Holmes using PI a car is traveling at a constant speed of 70 miles an hour round the m25 in what imaginary universe Henry the eighth love the [ __ ] discuss chemistry what's that smell [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Nelson lost an arm and an eye why didn't he call claims diary your mum's a slag the next topic is things you won't hear in a gardening program if you're injured naked gardening here is a tip be careful what you do with the shears and that folks it's how you get rid of a body not only that somebody who's been sneaking into the allotment and putting topsoil on the ground the plot thickens [Applause] last year I couldn't be bothered to dig up my garden so I phoned up Time Team and told them I just found a Roman coin [Applause] now over to our lawnmower expert stampy Jeff hi see David here has got some nice buddleja and jemima there she's got some nice hydrangea and I've got chlamydia well that's it for this week I'm off home to plant my seeds my wife's ovulating and I don't want to miss much lot why grow flowers like this when you can steal them from a traffic black spot last week you're complaining about rabbits bring rampant in your garden being a pest but let me tell you I've got a rampant rabbit and when it's in my garden it causes nothing but joy [Applause] well I've been having terrible trouble with a mole he keeps on passing confidential informations well the gardener's see here we see we've got a nice rockery over there and there's a there's a lovely family we put in and next to that is the Tree of Knowledge you will not eat from the tree of knowledge if you're low and suffers from Patsy grass just grow it long one side and comb it over and if you leave it for about four or five years it should be just the right height to piss behind in a garden it's blocking my light dark could you just however here is a wonderful water feature like in Brussels of a small boy pissing this one's from Thailand and I pay him 20 pencil is good money [Music] so that's Mock the Week at 10:00 p.m. BBC two unlikely things to read in a political memoir so we were playing truth or dare and I didn't want to tell the truth so I shagged did Wiener curry [Applause] Big Ben struck 12:00 and stopped thank God my buttocks were on fire I thought I'd press the button that summoned the tea lady imagine my surprise when it turned out I bombed Russia I think I think the greatest thing about meeting the Queen was listening to him singing candle in the wind hear her say what you like about Robert Mugabe but that mustache makes all the difference to foreplay I suspected that John Prescott was having an affair when the four legs of his desk came through the ceiling above me I was actually at college with the Saddam Hussein we were at Sussex together doing chemistry and combined in humanities at the start there were three women in the cabinet five in the cellar and two under the patio deciding to go to war was one of the tensest games of eeny meeny miny moe I have ever played which sometimes break up boring cabinet meetings by convincing David Blunkett he was black oh when we got into Bosnia the first thing we did was get the United Nations troops setting up trestle tables with plates of cheese straws and sausage rolls it turns out we were supposed to provide a buffer not a buffer John Prescott's and Otto back a nod to brick a book by me take that your bastard he said no one [ __ ] with Mahatma Gandhi the next topic is things you wouldn't hear in a medical documentary I know you're a teenage mother but nobody will patronize you here come through to the slag ward next he was put in a cat scanner unfortunately the cat was still in it and so Nick Griffin comes round after the face transplant and that's not the colour he was expecting okay now cuff and coffee ghin okay yeah I've got the diagnosis got a call [Laughter] eventually doctors had to break his leg in six places it was the only way to stop him running around the ward the little tosser thirty-four percent of people in this country have irritable bowel so what this attractive patient doesn't realize is dr. Singh was struck off years ago Brian is 75 stone he hasn't left the house for three years what a fat bastard after months of tests doctors finally discovered what had caused his blindness he'd been masturbating too much today we're attempting a slightly difficult operation what we're hoping to do is remove the Adam's apple with a pair of tweezers without the patient's nose flashing red tarah removes her top to reveal a hideous skin infection look away now if you're eating Rice Krispies the Siamese twins were joined in the most embarrassing place imaginable and known by friends as the skipping-rope [Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] unlike your line see here in the kids felt Oh Shrek have you been upsetting Colleen again by shagging those prostitutes Garfield what are you doing in that bin [Music] et I'm pregnant where's Nemo look inside the batter [Applause] Tobey sorry I'll just put my clothes back on I thought you said Chitty Chitty gangbang mr. Von Trapp I'm here from the council we've had complaints about some terrible singing coming from your so he asked all five of you if you would like to look round his Chocolate Factory MARY POPPINS I arrest you on suspicion of supercalifragilistic sex trafficking he goes swing us nice to meet you I'm king of the doggers Wow Danny look for you that was not the big bang I was expecting I am Bambi son of a murdered mother things you wouldn't hear in a kaki show no no that's definitely poodle chicken tonight but I'm gonna have it tomorrow smash the system so finally just pour on the milk and there you have it cereal and remember you must eat the brain to get their power a lot of people recommend washing your hands after handling raw meat but it's just as easy to let a dog lick them or to wipe them on a relative golden golden relax we're doing a bit of dinner mine so at the Middle East it so just boil for 15 minutes and if there's still life in her she's a witch welcome to it's late and there's not much left in the fridge today we're gonna be making onion double cream banana pasta ketchup via the unique flavor of the sausages is from a recipe from my missing my wife so if you want to give you a bar snacks that genuine pub feeling why not sprinkle them with urine i'm jamie oliver and in my new series i'm gonna be traveling the length and breadth of the UK in a VW camper welcome to cockle van believe me these fried insect legs really are the bee's knees today I'm going to be making a prune and sweet corn chickpea puskás cuz I like to give my bowels a challenge next the ginger pudding Anthony Worrell Thompson what are gonna be cooking for stir so I've been beating away for half an hour but I'm just lonely let's get on with the cooking unlikely things to hear on a news program behind me a man lies dead that's what happens if you pull faces in the background this is BBC Three's News in 15 seconds floods recession lib dems Wayne Rooney [Laughter] [Applause] Medical News Justin pioneering x-rays have proven that Nick Clegg has a spine our tape of Big Ben is broken bong this is Fox News three blocker before milada basa al-megrahi has died hi there no there's no one there well we hope to talk to Michael Jackson later later on we'll be finding how the Queen arrived in Australia but first [Applause] [Laughter] finally economic news were [ __ ] denied there is still an embargo on revealing the footballer at the center of this six case this is Brian Henderson outside John Terry's house protesters set fire to cars and block the carriageway for several hours in protest over something or other bloody French city news now London is dangerous York is old and Bristol is a bit weird here on a train this is the Virgen train service to edinburgh if you're not a virgin would you please get off at Hamill Henson we would like to apologize for the bumpy ride as we entered the last station this is due to some selfish bastard we are now arriving in Sheffield get all passengers in first class please pull back your window blinds and take a look at the real world we'd like to apologize for the toilet being out of order for the entire journey as ricky hatton is in it due to starve sausages I am unable to finish this a noun fold is now available because the buffet car is on fire we have though arrived and to bombing I'm news 3 we are pleased to inform any passengers wishing to change for over Hampton that there's a JD Sports opposite the station excuse me do you have any more of those sandwiches they're delicious [Applause] hmm I wonder whether I should take my personal belongings with me when I leave this train there was an announcement that could possibly we apologize for the delay of this service this was caused by points folio rat make something up should the passenger causing a disturbance and the quiet coach please settle down and stop shouting about your heart medicine would the driver please contact the guard we have no idea where you are this is the driver contacting the guard where am I unlikely things to hear and a quiz show well welcome to jr. mastermind our annual competition to find the best nerdy specky Nobby no mates we asked 100 people name something you eat with a spoon and the top answer was piss off I'm busy so Nick Griffin you were the weakest link in that round and yet you chose to get rid of Rasheed why and on tonight's Family Fortunes we're joined by the Fritzl x' and the west's so know your soul for a resurrected career Deal or No Deal oh this one has really stumped Steve from the eggheads the question was what is it like to have sex with a woman welcome to weakest link bankers edition you've banked nothing scored nothing and yet you still have a bonus [Applause] you have one lifeline left that's calling your country's government to see whether they will accept our demands we asked a hundred people where is the g-spot you've given us your answer if it's up there love I'll give you the money myself so this question for 100 pounds what is your pin number sixty quid for half a gram of coke Deal or No Deal deal I'm Dale Winton and you've got to be in it to win it and by that of course I mean my bottom [Applause] the next topic is lines you wouldn't hear in an action movie right no way thinking did he fire six shots are just five to be honest in all the curfuffle what I've kind of lost count myself thought being is out this is the point four four Magnum which is the most powerful shotgun in the world could blow your head clean off go ask yourself am i right [Applause] if I press this button you'll with this the worst thing you could possibly imagine channel 5 [Applause] I know you're mad max but getting drunk and blaming everything on the Jews isn't going to first Mr Bond I plan to aim the giant laser at the world and then cat shot me again okay men this is the plan we tunnel under the wire we make a dash for Blighty and hopefully we'll never ever have to compete in the Commonwealth Games I want your clothes your boots and your unicycle on this but we think we know who's got it but if we get this wrong we might look a bit racist Batman its Catwoman she said she's been thrown in a wheelie bin they beat him they kicked him they shot him they left him for dead now he's dead now listen to me born if you are not back in 10 minutes your dinner goes in the bin and yes there is an ultimatum I am your father I know a man doing what I do best ironing which box do I put it in Terminator 5 recycling day I am Maximus Decimus Meridius commander of the legions of the north father to a murdered son husband to a murdered wife and I will have my vengeance in this life or the next lines you wouldn't hear in a TV detective show the suspect has got a gun but it's okay Gaza's arrived and he's brought chicken and a fishing rod [Applause] I'm not doing it this is a midwinter murder it's freezing it's not in the contract [Music] soon as you can see from these samples we've taken that we've scraped from under her fingernails she was manky he were a policeman that got hit by a car and thought that he'd woken up in 1970 they were wrong they were present day this is CSI hole sergeant if you look closely there are semen stains all over these bedsheets let's look into the holiday and instead Paro you've done it again you've bored me shitless for the last two hours so that's it at the end of a three-month investigation that is it he's Colonel Mustard in the living room with the lead part the inspector has anyone ever said that you look an awful lot like David Jason from Only Fools and Horses yes miss Merkel we've had the lab results back and it's very interesting actually it's thrush he fits the profile this is gonna be a really boring episode of hole-in-the-wall you're probably wondering why I've asked you all to gather here in the library [Laughter] it's the TV presenter no Lipman's have you any idea why he was killed it's the TV presenter No ken stott is detective Inspector David's art in sods law well we know now who's responsible for the killing it's society yeah yeah you want to think about that [Applause] the body is that of Eamonn Holmes we may need a little more chalk unlikely things to hear from a sports commentator so just 80 metres to go and the building of this running track will be finished paint ricky hatton they're bleeding heavily from the nose this boy really knows how to party we're just getting the news that Usain Bolt's ankle isn't actually sprained it's broken so the only thing to do is to collect some of his sperm and then shoot him in the head hello and welcome to Sky Sports or if you're watching Sky Sports 3d the smack of leather on willow as sue Barker walks into a tree the race hasn't started yet I've just got we have a problem all of the drivers have their own little Goodluck rituals this one's bought a tiny good luck troll oh no that's Bernie Ecclestone well we'll have to see what the referee gets out I don't think any of us were expecting that unfortunately the man united team have turned up with the wrong kit so today they're gonna have to play in their pants he's got his wood out and he's in a nasty bit of rough he needs to get to the golf course as quickly as he can well I have to say I do agree with the crowd the referee is a wanker welcome to Delhi for the shit-pit sorry P start put no I was right first time you joined me for the men's discus final womens woman and as the Derby winner is led out by his jockey the sexual tension is almost unbearable so with one overs ago this next delivery could change everything and it has it's a no ball I've won 400,000 pounds oh and that's a beautiful shot there on the black I really should remember these boxers names [Applause]

Channel: mindlessgonzoALT

Views: 4,385,226

Keywords: Mock The Week (TV Program)

Id: pJKYjq94S1w

Length: 131min 30sec (7890 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 06 2015