Frankie Boyle's Best Jokes on Mock The Week:Too Hot For TV 3

[Music] [Applause] does b c a h stands for bell craves another hole is it bruised hawk after horseplay it looks like he's pointing her out to a sniper is that what it is bill considers assassinating hillary i actually saw this uh i saw this headline bell causes anal hemorrhage wasn't it why why are porn actors always so worked out i don't give a [ __ ] what they look like would it be more aspirational just some like kind of tubby blog well i wouldn't mind if they had been [ __ ] with a [ __ ] and a spear to be honest but why has david cameron been in the news this week he [ __ ] someone with a [ __ ] and a spear what was the bad news about the olympics this week that it's going to be held in britain so it's going to be completely rubbish personally i can't wait for the whole thing to be over so that i can go quietly kayaking through hackney have you been to the east end of london i've been there and what it really needs is a world-class dressage center it's crying because they're just doing dressage and car parks at the moment yeah just kind of scuffing over a homeless people it's not just not working it's not the way to see the horses at their finest i feel like although many of the riders are enjoying killing tramps in london there's going to be an extra thing where people athletes have got to use that extra skill of working out which gun shot is the starting pistol ready on your marks wait for it that was a revenge killing in the door we have a news agent speaking of phones what may be streaming from your mobile phone soon pornography in my case danny the minute this record finishes any other game it's a smell isn't it is it smelled yeah it's a smell the smell of pornography ah that takes me back okay just before this record started the first subject is unlikely small ads erectile problems ha ha ha ha john 20 has been missing for two years he was a diabetic and left without taking his medication let's face it he's dead would you like no strings attached sex contact my [ __ ] of an ex-wife dog available to good home free prawn crackers with every delivery what new initiatives are their home office they're coming up with today is there a thing where they're going to make pedophiles take lie detector tests how does that work because apparently with lie detector test you can't ask anyone out right you know so if i go did you do the murder that doesn't give a correct readings you've got to kind of sidle up to it so with pedophiles do they go do you remember that program biker grove when that was on did you ever shag your tv i think what you've not taken into account russell is that pedophiles have more than one sense i mean often they can taste children on the air it's a boy and he's been swimming we're talking about putting x-ray cameras into lampposts to spot work terrorists carrying guns and stuff which isn't really how terrorists work is it come on let's let's congregate around this brightly lit lamppost where we can discuss our evil plans it's an invasion of civil civil liberties though isn't it it's a privacy thing because the government now gets to see us naked and do i really want policemen knowing that i get an erection every time i feed pigeons transport stories what has 14 year old michael perham done is he the first 14 year old boy to cross the atlantic because i thought ellen macarthur was a 14 year old boy it just goes to show you that britain is now so full of pedophiles that the only place this boy is safe is bobbing in the middle of the atlantic he's he's safe for as long as his boat can outrun gary glitter submarine and what was the bad news for the greenland ice shelf this week it's melting and santa's drowning to be honest i'm glad he deserves it a jumper after all i've done this year a [ __ ] jumper die santa die we've probably lost the kids audience here santa's dead it's the title of my friend's show it's just his decapitated head [ __ ] home which other royal has been messing with nature this week princess anne she winked off one of her horses why was prince charles causing an environmental storm this week did he went off on one of his horses technically it's not bestiality because he has married to it the real story is the price of animal nitrate is going through the roof and the gay community is up in arms they're up in arms to about this part why have we had a classroom church and state in this country in the last week it's their poofs again unlikely things for a qriket commentator to say is it a four or is it a six no that man's ass is definitely a 10. this has been an extraordinary match but then i'm on mescaline to recap on the rules it's rounders with extra gay stuff england did ask a few tough questions of australia like how do you play cricket why are we so [ __ ] [ __ ] the indians may have pipped us here but let's not forget we slaughtered them in their millions who are nuts what the hell are you doing here because i'm really dead frankie gonna have some fun find that woman leave the pastries alone but what does the dbpb stand for a desperate bulimic's pointless boyfriend yeah is it diamond bracelet plicates [ __ ] definite bender's pretend bride can i do my hard ones just before we do the answer why did you pick your favorite hardware all right have you got it dildo bursts posh's bladder i mean people who are stupid enough to phone them in i'm surprised that they've got the intelligence to be able to turn the tv on you know that half of those people must be dialing with their face it's great life being a racehorse though because if you're a champion race horse that means you get to spend the last 10 years of your life lazing about in a field shagging women no we're not women other horses [Laughter] it's like being a horse suicide bomber no no that's only it i'll bet you this picture has been received very differently in korea i'm glad you don't know i'm gonna kick the [ __ ] are you imagining that we'd have much gear of course glasgow is actually the number one tourist destination in britain for gay men because they just don't care where those fists hit them climb my grandad used werther's original as a euphemism for his penis not to say to a policeman i wanted to be a policeman but then i passed my own levels my sister would like you she loves a man in uniform and she's a racist thing for the cheeky girls is if you spend years saying touch my bum and touch my bum finally someone touches your bum and it's lamb opec you're gonna be slightly disappointed there except some dvds i wouldn't sell i'm afraid the only thing you're going to be fighting for some time bond is hiv thank you for purchasing learning the guitar with stephen hawking all jedi do gay stuff luke relax and feel the force here's looking at you kid is why i'm in a cambodian jail ah frudo you're hurting me when i said you should destroy the ring the answer is 10 what percentage of my income do i spend on buying my stalkers abortions what does bbgf stand for is it blair bums gay fish that's his whole problem is he's holidaying with people like cliff ritchie why doesn't he go and stay with tom jones get laid and cheer up a bit he's only hanging out with robin gabb because he's the only person in the world who's got a worse legacy than him be careful you've got to be careful david because the big bg is terrifying he's like seven foot tall sings black music in the voice of a castrated white boy and as each of the other beiges dies he becomes more powerful it is the hanging of sedan they could they couldn't have made it more undignified they couldn't have made it more undignified if they'd hung him from a swing ball it was horrendous it was disgusting i only gave it two stars it was actually john prescott was the person who came out and was the person to condemn it that's pretty bad if if the only moral conscience in your nation is a man who has done things to his body that has turned his internal organs into patty a man who couldn't wear a tie and a belt in the same day he'd turn into sausages it's science uh scientists have just built the world's biggest ever super collider and they're doing an experiment to find out what makes up protons i hope that if the experiment's successful the whole of our reality will dissolve and a big sign will come up that says level two i always i always wondered you know that woman that had the face transplant see if she gave you a [ __ ] would that technically count as a threesome you know science isn't all progress you know so you look at four by fours and they're bad for the environment they're too big aren't they i mean often now when i'm out dogging i have to stand in someone's shoulders just to be able to press my balls in the windshield and the answer is between 10 and 15 000. is it according to school dinner ladies how many minutes should you give pasta age 12 i saw a sharp assistant's breast in woolworth's what age would i have to live to before i can get that image out of my mind [ __ ] shut up about yourself the only reason the only reason we're talking about this is because you looked at some boring [ __ ] website instead of six hours of [ __ ] hungry teens like a normal man on the train down this week that's true there's a scottish guy trying to chat up a girl on my table and they're sort of flirting and she's a medical student and she's got this book of like case histories and stuff and she goes oh could you help me so i can try and diagnose you and he goes okay he goes and looks at the case and you choose something light wouldn't you if you're flirting you're looking like yeah he closes the book and goes i would appeal to have infected diarrhea and that phone number disappeared over a series of descriptions of his bloody turds things he wouldn't hear on a driving test when i slap the dashboard with my forehead i'd like you to crawl out of the wreckage and fetch him you made one mistake sir a pioneer freshener doesn't cover up the smell of a dead hitchhiker on my signal i'd like you to mount the pavement and kill my ex-wife what the queen didn't say in her christmas message edward stuffed the turkey this year he seemed to be awfully good at it it's been good to spend some time with my family and harry i've had a few medical problems this year i'm now so old that my [ __ ] is haunted [Applause] what does r-i-p-s stand for is it read imagining prescott sex life it's impressive purple scrotum red is pedophile santa claus read switch prostitute slayer has john reed dealt with the problem of overcrowded prisons he's at least the pedophiles could we dress the pedophiles up as modest dancers so that they have bells on the kids will know when they're nearby and beautifully real morris dancers will get beaten up for being pedophiles there are 80 000 people in prison yes and there are 80 716 cells but there's an obvious there's an obvious solution like just top and tail what you've not factored in is the levels of prison forced homosexuality it's like it's like sex tetris trying to fit into a cell these days there's a double-edged sword here isn't there where you'd sort of work out if you were going into prison to try and defend yourself but working out is only going to make your ass look better i mean there's nothing really in the gym that's going to give you an [ __ ] like a cigar cutter or what what's wrong with sending them to australia i mean we still own it and i'd like to see someone keep up an anti-social attitude when surrounded by three million happy-go-lucky [ __ ] another idea with the whole thing of you know the prison overcrowding might be if they put up like mirrors in all the cells to create an illusion of space well and also there's nothing worse than having some guy shagging you look at himself in the mirror and wait new initiatives are the home office uh coming up with they've got uh initiative haven't they to do a database of people's shoe prints people with shoe prints which isn't as daft as it sounds because from a shoe print they can tell what size you are they can tell what height you are what weight you are and various other stuff about you which is why when i'm doing a crime i always wear high heels and carry a bowling ball subject is the environment ryanair are getting a hard time from the government because they're not doing enough to combat global warming i think well air travel isn't good for the environment and surely no one has done more to put people off flying than ryanair nothing nothing punctures that james bond image quite like being sold peanuts by a stewardess who looks like she survived hiroshima there's no way that ryanair are as big a polluter as china although ryanair do have a worse record on human rights 265 million how many complaints will there be about the pedophile section of this show is it what is the current chart possession of peter andre's drummond base christmas is it when the machines finally take over how many humans will die in the first 24 hours in what the machines will later refer to as the great adjustment how much money would the bbc have to pay tom cruise if i made the joke i'd like to make about him and john travolta blackpool deserves as big a kicking as possible it's the one town in britain where i've got chlamydia from fish and chips the creature dealers is the fact that they all pretend to be friends yeah that really gets up to be honest that's what i hate about this show [Laughter] you know super casinos are terrible because i mean people are too vulnerable to cope with this i mean people in britain are addicted to ebay how are you going to cope with million pound prize money if you're up till three in the morning trying to buy second-hand pajamas and your mind boobs done is a very sort of decadent kind of stage to get to though isn't it that's why when i had mine done i donated them to an african transsexual you have to be careful here hugh has to be careful because this week i discovered i don't know if you know what slash fiction is but it's basically gay fiction on the internet where they have people like you know captain kirk and spock shagging each other and there's one of me and you i don't know because you're the receiver i'm just going to make it easier for you and the most offensive part of it is when they describe my pubes as being ginger this is this is just i mean parents of obese children are just misguided because they're trying to make their children less attractive to paedophiles but what they're forgetting is that they're making it harder for them to run away what a tv chef would never say i'm nigella lawson and what i love about presenting this program is the knowledge that at home frankie boyle has just about ripped his [ __ ] off tonight on russian cookery cyanide polonium and the crab stuffed with explosives while you're stuffing the lamb put your hand over his muzzle so he can't cry for his mother this dish requires a little extra salt so i'm going to [ __ ] it and there we have it a donut like a boy scouts [ __ ] bad thing to say at the opening of the new wembley stadium due to a double booking england's first match is against simply red well isn't this magnificent some seats pointing at some [ __ ] grass and already there's a dog on the pitch as tessa jowl opens the stadium cost 100 million pounds to demolish wembley if you'd had your last game against scotland we'd have done it from nothing but what does btad stand for is it bio terrorists annual disco bath time arse disaster i call suffolk that might well kick off i mean you're talking about the one place in the world where bird flu could actually raise life expectancy levels as the locals finally stop marrying seagulls if turkeys ever take over the world their science will be devoted to keeping bernard matthews alive for 10 000 years while they repeatedly skin and re-skin his scrotum oh sorry yeah january i am getting a note of my air going can we not say that bernard matthews takes an enormous amount of glee in the culling of you know various things that he doesn't take glee in it he sits on a throne of turkey skulls apparently he doesn't make it it doesn't make any difference how much you wash either to the amount of bacteria in your body so i was right never to wash my [ __ ] in fact i think i think the bacteria add an extra couple of centimeters birds have got an easy deal birds have got an easy deal here they just they're just getting flu i mean cats can get aids that would have made top cat a very different show my first falling out dc officer dibble i've got aids it's a lot more serious is a lot more serious than flu it should be called avian [ __ ] your organs out that woman last week who gave birth to her she was 67 years old it's not going to be a struggle pushing it out at 67 though isn't it that babies that baby's gonna have spent the last three months bungee jumping that's crime yeah they're going to bring in supernas boys no i mean as boys already sounds too cool teenagers see it as a badge of honor they should call them gay boys or bender badges i tell you that the tv show i'd love to see csi glasgow well we've done some preliminary tests and it looks like the intruder definitely did a joby in the carpet we're looking for a young man with a poor diet because the job he's got a wamba with an old 50 pence stuck in it the answer is 10 minutes is it if the pope had a wank how long would he ejaculate for is it it would take me 20 years to get tired of shagging natalie portman how quickly did i tire of shagging my current girlfriend is it how long was the recent run of my off-broadway musical based on the challenger space shuttle disaster perhaps the pe teacher could come out and tell you about great historical example of sporting figures and their leadership which is could there be a reason i mean you're sitting there as a history teacher trying to tell people about life in the trenches in the first world war a guy comes in and attracts it and starts going on about the life of graeme souness the thing is if they're saying well how did how do we get children to learn make them yes make them learn combine algebra with a beating if it was arabic phrases that you could really use when you're traveling in the middle east help my legs have been blown off could you phone an ambulance that's a very sharp sword why are you videotaping this where's the nearest marketplace good i'll head in the opposite direction you can talk all you like when the chinese invade you'll be crucified upside down with a roast duck stuck up your ass unlikely things to hear on comic relief remember tonight isn't all about comedy here's ben elton why don't they just eat the flies if we remove all these villagers cataracts one day they might be able to make our shoes and remember 20 of everything you give goes directly to a grinning warlord wearing a necklace of human fingerboards the worst thing your new neighbor could say what day do the bins go around here my wife's body's starting to stink stay away from my daughter she gave me crabs my wife and i are nudists and have been for the past 70 years i fantasize about tricking your wife into making love to me by wearing your skin

Channel: Princess Diana Sat Nav

Views: 375,081

Rating: 4.7890258 out of 5

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Id: xVa6D4t30aQ

Length: 23min 6sec (1386 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 11 2021