Steven Wright Special (1985)

right oh thanks I got a postcard for my friend George with a satellite picture of the entire Earth on the back you're out wish you were here I was doing peyote when I took my SATs I got an 1800 I went to court for a parking ticket I pleaded insanity I said Your Honor why would anyone in their right mind Park in the passing lane curiosity killed the cat but for a while I was a suspect when I die and leave my body to science fiction now I was arrested today for scalping loan numbers at the deli solid I'm a three for 28 bucks I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep I like to bring a flashlight to the movies and just have all the rows move down for no reason I used to be a narrator for bad mimes I was walking through the forest alone in a tree fell right in front of me and I didn't hear there any questions feeling kind of hyper what's a hardware store bought some used paint it was in the shape of a house I also bought some batteries but they weren't included so I had to buy him again what the battery's run on why is the alphabet in that order was it cuz of that song guy wrote that song wrote everything why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put you two cents in somebody's making a penny I like to tease my plants when I water them I water them with ice cubes I talked to myself a lot it bothers people though because I use a megaphone everyone some when I like to stick my head out my window look up at the sky and smile for a satellite picture it's my birthday recently for my birthday i got a humidifier and a humidifier put him in the same room let him fight it out and i filled my humidifier with wax now my room's all shiny I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museum had trouble going over there cuz I parked my car on a towaway zone when I came back the entire area was gone so I walked everywhere is walking distance if you have the time hey should I in this I used to work for the factory where they make hydrants but you couldn't park anywhere near the place I used to be a proofreader for a skywriting company years ago I worked in a natural organic health food store in Seattle Washington one day a man walked in and he said if I melt dry ice can I swim without getting wet I said I don't know let me ask Tony two days leras fire treating cotton candy and drinking straight bus go on the job so I figured I'd leave the area because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was saying we had conflicting attitudes I really wasn't into meditation she really wasn't into being alive it's all but I knew what I was gonna die cuz my birth certificate has an expiration date I decided to leave and go to California so I packed up my Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying to make a circle on an etch-a-sketch and I headed for the highway and began hitching within three minutes I got picked up me one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand-new cars flying up the side of the cab and they opened the door the guy said I didn't have much room in here when you get in one that grows in back so I did he's really into picking up people because he picked up 19 more we all had our own cars that any 190 miles an hour y'all got speeding tickets hey the photograph on my license taken out of focus on purpose so on the police to stop me they go here you can go sometimes you can't hear me it's cuz sometimes I'm in current the see I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add I'm entering the stranger sweepstakes it's a contest you pay 50 cents you get a little card that has a number on it then you go up to any stranger you scratch a penny on his hand it's the number under there matches the number you have you win $100 I won twice I was beat up eleven times save the money locus I'm playing trip to Spain so I bought an album that teaches you the language you put the album on you put headphones on you learn the language why it's sleeping during the night the record skipped I get up the next day I could only stutter in Spanish when I go I'm flying a flying air bazaar it's a good airline by a combination one-way or roundtrip ticket you leave any Monday they bring you back the previous Friday that way you still have the weekend I'm going to court next week I've been selected for jury duty it's kind of an insane case six thousand ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant I don't think they did it I know if you're a woman they wouldn't do anything like I lost a buttonhole where am I gonna get it better now I stayed up one night playing poker with tarot cards I have full house and four people died our telescope on the people on my door so I can see who's at the door for 200 miles who isn't it was the enemy when you get here I got an answering machine from my phone now and I'm not home and somebody calls me up there recording of a busy signal I like to leave messages before the beep sorry my mind was wandering one time I might well wait a meanness in order to meal I couldn't pay for the map of the United States his actual size says one mile equals one mile people ask Mary Lou they say e5 where do you live Eva I bought one of those on the glass ball things with the snow in it you turn it upside down and turn it back and I start snow and I ball except the one I had has a little plow when it comes out and does the road that's good I like it last night I was in a bar and I walked up to this beautiful woman and I said do you live around here often she said you're wearing to a different color so I said yes but to me the same because I go by thickness and she said how do you feel and I said well you know when he's sitting on a chair and you lean back so he just on two legs and then you lean too far are you almost followed with just at last I can you catch you so I feel like that all the time I broke a mirror my house is supposed to get seven years bad luck but my lawyer he thinks he can get me five I finally went to the eye doctor I got contacts but he only need them when I read so I got flip up came on my desk right next to my typewriter have the oldest typewriter in the world types in pencil under my bed I have a shoebox lowest telephone rings and whenever I got lonely I open it up just a little bit and I get a call what time I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing so I had to have it disconnected I got another phone though I didn't have much money so I had to get an irregular phone he had no five on I had no number five I was walking down the street and I bumped into a good friend of mine he said how come you never call me anymore I said I can't call everyone I want my phone has no five on it he said that's really weird he said how long have you had it I said I don't know my calendar has no sevens the others and everything my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica I couldn't believe it call my friend and I said come here look at this stuff it's all exact replicas what do you think you said do I know you I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it just checking the human body is made up of 98% water that means everybody's that far away from drowning ever the house sits on a median strip of our highway it's good I like it the only thing I don't like about when I leave my driveway I have to be going 60 miles 198 flew a little bit too close to my house I was walking from the living room to the kitchen and the stewardess don't me to sit let's clean out my closet and I found a little bathing suit that I made out of sponges I remember one time ordered into a pool then I left no could go swim until I came back my bedroom I have a nightlight I was search nightlight goes back and forth across the room Isaac's I have to get out in the middle of the night go to the bathroom at the time it's a don't get caught I was walking my dog around my building on the ledge a lot of people afraid of heights not me I'm afraid of widths I have a three-year-old daughter named him stay there's a lot of fun ways a puppy cousin I call them I say come here stay come here stay here we go it's a lot smarter than that now now when I call man just to go me and keep on typing he's a nice traveling check my girlfriend has a queen-size bed I have a court jester sized bed it's writing green and I was bailed on it the ends curl up I woke up one more and I said no I made a few mistakes I was little my backyard we had quick sandbox I was an only child eventually one time the police stopped me for speeding and they said oh no speed limit is 55 miles an hour he said yeah I know but I wasn't going to be out that long used to be a waiter I was fired for clearing tables I was clearing them for takeoff and then all lined up outside people thought I was an outdoor cafe I said no he's leaving at 3:00 they're gonna fire me because I told them I think they should put the wrapper on a straw on the inside because that's a pot that you don't want to get dirty I like to skate on the other side of the ice I like to reminisce with people I don't know I like to fill my tub up with water than during the shower and act like i'm in a submarine that's been hit and i hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's gonna be up all night when I got real real bored I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot than sit in my car and count how many people asked me if I'm leaving can't remember the rest right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time when I was a baby I kept a diary recently I was rereading and it said day one still tired from the move day two everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot last time I went skiing had a gap at 5:30 in the morning note I knew I couldn't do that so I slept with my skis on all right came to 5:30 in the morning he can wake me up to carry me outta the house put my skis onto a roof rack of the car I drove right to the lone 17 miles away I woke up by this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving I was on Tillie I don't sure that's happened to you I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's going I have to smile couldn't find my socks so I call information I say hello information she said yes I said I can't find my socks she said the behind the couch when they were tired of calling up the movies listening to that recording of what's playing so I bought the album last time I went to movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food here my Agora was a concession same prices are outrageous besides I haven't had a barbecue in a long time I went to the cinema adults $5 children 250 I say alright give me two boys and a girl once I went to the drive-in in a cab movie cost me $95 and went to a place to eat it's at breakfast anytime so I ordered french toast during the Renaissance I just got out of the hospital I was gonna speed-reading accident I hit a bookmark flew across the road vanilla painting lightly abstract painting extremely abstract no brush no candidates I just think about it went on I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children they had all the paintings up on refrigerators I left the museum and I was walking down the street I saw a man who had wooden legs and real feet he asked me if any what time it is I said yes but now I know the ice cream truck of my neighborhood plays elder sculptor call the wrong number today I said hello is Joey there and a woman answered she said yes he is I said I speak to him please she said no he can't talk right now he's only two months old I said all right I'll wait once I write another job interview I took out a book and I started reading the guy said what the hell are you doing so let me ask you one question if you're in a vehicle and you were traveling at the speed of light then you turned your lights on would they do anything you said I don't know I said forget it then I don't want to work for you I've never seen electricity that's why I don't pay for right right in the bill I'm sorry I haven't seen you all month before I didn't have a car I got a helicopter and no air pockets here is to just tie a rope to it and leave it running there's a pizza place near where I live it only sells slices go there and you see the guy throwing up little triangles today I was no that wasn't yesterday I saw a subliminal advertising executive just for a second I'm writing a book and the page numbers don't know I just have to fill in the rest I wrote a song too but I can't read music so I don't know what it is sometimes I turn the radio when I say I think I might write in that I've written several children's books not on purpose whenever I'm running a little baby I always write down the noises he's making so the years later I can ask him what he meant first time I've ever read the dictionary I thought it was a poem about everything I'm learning how to play the harmonica but the only I can play to drive 100 miles an hour but the harmonica my hands stick my hand out of the way I've been arrested three times for practicing last time I tried to commit suicide was about an hour ago down the street on the roof of this very tall building I ran I leapt off the edge and accidentally did a triple backflip man is standing on my feet every sauce with two little kittens one of them said to the other one see that's how you do that while ago I had no electricity in my house I had no lights I couldn't see what I was doing good thing my camera had a flash it's going on my house like this I wanted to make a sandwich it took 60 pictures of my kitchen the neighbors called the police I thought that was lightning in my house my house is made out of balsa wood no one's home across the street except for little kids I come out and I lift my eyes up over my head tell him to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at him I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I won't accidentally walk through into another dimension and when those old-fashioned type sinks was one faucet for the hot water and one for the cold water the showers like that too I have to keep running back and forth I put instant coffee into a microwave oven I almost went back in time I put a new engine my car we didn't take the other one at home I can go 500 miles out but how Monica sounds amazing I took the headlights off and I put the strobe lights on so when I drive at night it looks like I'm the only one that's moving I like my dental hygienist I think she's very pretty so I never got to have my teeth cleaned while I'm in the waiting room I eat an entire box of Oreo cookies sometimes they have to cancel all the rest of you boy when I couldn't sleep so I get up then I got hungry so went down to the store that I know is open 24 hours when I got down there there was a guy outside locking it up he said sorry clothes see what he mean he closed the science is open 24 hours he said not in a row why he can't have everything where would you put it the other day I got on an elevator and this old guy got on with me I was opening the buttons I pushed number 4 he said where you going he said Phoenix so I pushed Phoenix to us open to tumbleweeds blow on we stepped off we're in downtown Phoenix I said you know yeah the kind of guy I'd really like to hang around with he said well I'm going out to the desert you want to go I said sure so he hopped in his car instead of driving out to the desert he told me he spent most of his life working on a research project for the government trying to find out who financed the pyramids Rajanna 30 years and I paid him an incredible amount of money he told him he was pretty sure it was a guy named Eddie we got to his house 500 miles in the middle of the desert the phone rings he says you get it so I know when I picked it up men Sistema he said yes he said business to hange is student a loan director from your back I said yeah I said you're 62 bank payments behind phenom today from the Institute you attended that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you we'd really like to know he did with it and so on the stands I'm not gonna lie to you I gave the money to my friend Jiggs Casey and he built a nuclear weapon with it I'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't call me anymore I have several hobbies which I enjoy to the fullest a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over where maybe you've seen it I also collect rare photographs I have two very rare photographs one is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car well it was a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child Friday was in a bookstore aside talking to this very French looking girl she was a bilingual illiterate she couldn't read in two different languages left the store I went down the street to my bus my bus came and I got on started walking toward the back sat down beside this beautiful blonde Chinese girl I said hello and she said hello I said isn't an amazing day she said yes it is I guess so what do you mean you guess she said well things haven't been going too well for me lately I said like what she said I can't tell you I don't even know you and I said yeah but sometimes it's good to tell your problems to an absolute total stranger on a bus she said well I've just come back to my analyst and he's still unable to help me I said what's the problem she paused and said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only get turned on like Jewish Cowboys and she said by the way my name is Diane and I said hello Diane I'm Bucky belts too when I first moved into my house is a switch on the wall didn't control any lights or anything I just flick it up and down every once in a while and about a month later I got a letter from a woman in Germany saying cut it out I have a microwave fireplace can laid out in front of the fire for the evening in 8 minutes for a while I lived in Vermont with guy named Winnie we live in a house that ran on static electricity brother cook something we had to take a sweater off real quick we wanted on a blender we had to rub balloons on her head I thought also procrastinate until I met Winnie when he got a birthmark when he was 8 all we needs it all day was practice limbo we got pretty good he could go into a rug people come over they say what's that I said that's winning about six months after we're living there I looked outside my window I saw a bird wearing sneakers hello button on it's a night flying nowhere so I hope no one knows what's your problem buddy he said I'm sick of this stuff every year it's the same thing I went to hear some of their went to hear some of their said I don't know who thought this up but it certainly wasn't a bird I said well I was just making breakfast come on in you want some eggs Stiles I love the stones I can't believe this still doing it after all these years watching whenever I can Fred and bunny last summer I drove cross-country with a friend of mine we split the drive and we switched every half mile roll away across we only had one cassette tape to listen to I can't remember where it was we went Salina Utah when we arrested for not going through a green light we pleaded maybe I asked the judge if he knew what time it isn't he told me and I said no further questions Oh for absolutely no reason went to Canada I was feeling good I just received my degree in calcium anthropology the study of milk men we're driving over the border back into the United States they asked me if I had any firearms I said what do you need I was traveling with my friend George some people think George is weird because he has sideburns behind his ears I think he's here because he has false teeth but he has braces on them last time it can't be accidentally borrowed a circus tent I didn't know it so I got there and I set it up people complaining cuz they couldn't see the lake it was a forest nearby it wasn't just any forest it was a forest where they get paneling it's the wrong thing for my friend George is a radio announcer and when he walks under a bridge you can hear him talk my watches three hours fast and I can't fix it so I'm going to move to New York couple of nights ago I came over very late it was the next night I have a little bit of trouble getting it to my apartment accidentally took out a cocky and I stuck it into the door and turned it in the building started up so I drove around for oh I went to fasten the police boat me all they said where do you live it's right here and I tracked in the middle of the highway and I ran out the front door and yelled at all the cars to get the hell out of my driveway nobody lives in the building notice that the building had been moved because everybody who was in the building is absolutely insane man was above me designed synthetic hair balls for ceramic cats well mosey Sammy tried to rob a department store with a pricing gun altar I'll mark down everything in this thing it's a good part when two living Cazale outfits I have a pony I have a Shetland pony named Nicky liked to ride them around any problem if I have to flip an album i remote to the stereo I want to make a sandwich item into the kitchen sometimes it's who have slide on the tiles and he falls down last summer he was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident all I hear was removed except for the tail I rent him out to Hari Krishna family peg guys Plus whenever I move this glass break last night I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up no man I was cesarean born camera ito oh well whenever I leave ours I go out through the window friend of mine named Dennis's parents and midgets it is not a he's a dwarf he's a speck he's a guy who poses for trophies but it's not about the girl I'm seeing I met her in Macy's in New York City she was buying clothes I was putting slinkys on the escalators the girls seen now name is Rachel she's a very pretty girl she has emerald eyes and long flowing plaid here the last week in August II went camping way up in Canada we laid her out on the woods and stuff and I don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy on her brain and the only way she could scratch it was if she thought about sandpaper she's a rich girl she's from somewhere else and her father was an incredible millionaire you know I made his money he's the guy who designed that little diagram that shows you which way to put batteries in something hey hey Rachel dear how I wish you were here hey I can almost see you having sex with Rachel is amazing it's like going to a concert it really is she yells a lot she throws frisbees around the room when she wants marching like to match Rachel dear I wish you were here hey I can almost see you I went skiing in England once we're a package deal two-week sitting on one night in Connecticut two weeks in England I said yes I'll take it lie down on this chair left with this guy didn't know we went out forgot them out without saying a word then he turned to me he said he knows the first time I've been skiing in ten years I said y'all ready to take such a long time off he said I was in jail I said why no long I said not really that's right better tell me why and he said I pushed the total stranger off her first way I said I remember you very much thanks a lot that's incoming I appreciated it's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint

Channel: Goralskiemuzyka

Views: 2,425,357

Keywords: Steven Wright (Comedian)

Id: UB8ZDrNb3B0

Length: 53min 54sec (3234 seconds)

Published: Sat Mar 22 2014