Paula Poundstone - Look What The Cat Dragged In 2006 standup

[Music] ladies and gentlemen Paula Poundstone [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] if it goes downhill from here we're all gonna feel a little silly so I'm so glad you're here you know and you're such a nice warm crowd and sometimes Los Angeles can be not such a nice warm place I got in a fight at the Museum of Tolerance over a parking space I have three kids I have a 15 year old a 12 year old and an 8 year old it's hard because it changes I just showed him the other night the movie One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest I said mommy seems good doesn't shake I think against that backdrop I really shine I'm kind of excited because I'm a million dollars in debt now that's not the exciting part but it does feel good just to say it I think something about being a million dollars in debt once you hit a million it feels kind of good I mean if I were a hundred thousand dollars in debt I've been working my ass off right now cuz I'd have a shot at playing it back but what's your million dollars and that's just like well who's giving home here every Alone's to me to really expect to get it back you know II just knew the kids'll say to me can we go to Disneyland I say I don't see why not excuse me a mom or I receive a sip of beverage and that camera goes up for that got that there's one guy whose job it is to get any drinking shots cuz of a little problem I had [Music] [Applause] I had a little drinking problem but I guess you heard already it was kept kind of hush-hush when it out of deference to me and my family I was actually court-ordered to Alcoholics Anonymous on television pretty much blows the hell out of the second day don't you think [Applause] [Music] I get have a drinking problem by the way and and and and in the first place I would I want to say I deeply regret the mistakes that I made and and and in the second place I do feel kind of stupid because it's so clear now that I had a drinking problem it was not clear at the time you know there were red flags and I can see that now I think that's the good news and the bad news about drinking is that there are red flags but they're kind of blurry and they I mean now some of the stuff is just glaring about three weeks before I went into rehab and I was in a 30-day program for a hundred and eighty days about three weeks before I went out I got really drunk one day I went into a pet store and bought a dog which would not have been that big a deal except for we had nine cats at the time believe me the cats were hiding the alcohol after that believed that's when the tough love began we now have ten cats a big stupid dog a bearded dragon lizard a bunny and one outlet for my ant farm I'm gonna be honest with you people I've been drunk in that pet store before and I don't want to play the victim here but I believe they knew and I believe they took advantage does anybody else's pet store have a wine section thank you some people are gonna appreciate these more than others apparently someone something hit home for someone maybe somebody's been sharing in a circle as well I'll tell you well you haven't lived till I used to drink those one at a time twist top wines now the truth is you can get just as messed up as on any other beverage drinking one at time twist up wines but there's something so humiliating about sitting in circle time in rehab with people talking about their their their oxycotin and they're shooting smack on their fifth of vodka before breakfast and I have to be still quite [Music] kind of a loser among losers not only that but I actually what I swear this is true sir I went before a judge who said to me at one point and as there are many many times but he said to me at one point he asked me why I don't drink anymore I had to hold my lips not to say well it didn't work out that good didn't you dumb sheep just to see the courtroom artists crayons fly you know you were dressed so fancy ma'am like did you have any idea where you're going when you came out to your red nail polish on as well you really did yourself up tonight what are you do for a living ma'am you're an accountant really so my story of being a million dollars in debt must have made you change just slightly you know the amazing I am a million dollars in debt and I have an accountant what for I don't know Oh for Christ sakes I thought I was hearing a funny noise there's got to be a pretty egregious situation to change money they must have gone over it and they must be like sweating and talking about it and their turn aside if no just let her go no no no it's bad no she's got a switch my and then when they first called you did you come out right away or did you kind of Hammond huh you where you're holding off yeah cuz you were hoping it was gonna get better it's exactly how Jani handled shooting his friend in the face [Music] I know that feeling I just hoping if you don't do anything it'll get better it doesn't work that way you got to come out and switch mics Channy said that that was one of the most bizarre things in our history don't you think really just said whole thing I was stuck in an airport that day all day want I've been stuck in an airport not no flights going stuck in the snow and I looked up in the television and they said that and I just it was the best thing that happened to me all day just shows how bad my day was and it was the most bizarre story I think I've heard in my lifetime really it's just weird we got to be the laughingstock of every country in the world right now not only that a couple days later his friend came out in front of a bank of microphones were in the hospital and made truly the strangest press conference I've ever heard he says all purple bruised and he set his wife and himself would like to apologize to the Chaney's for all that they had put them through you know they show television imprisoned criminals must have been so absurd like she's a guy I shot got mad we said he always knew that quail hunting was dangerous which I think quail have long said I'm not sure how quail hunting is dangerous but apparently they'll come at you with those little things if you miss them on the first shot they will waddle JDI very reflective and he said that he what I think is good for anybody to get reflective at one time or another no life I think he could choose a more important topic but he thought for a couple of days about quail hunting and he said that he was reconsidering the sport of quail hunting as a result of the horrible accident and I think unnecessary given that no one will ever go with him again not if they know where they have to apologize after they got shot seems like a weird thing gee I miss that microphone guy it's great having him with us just knowing someone was paying close attention I think okay there's somebody started saying that I it fell out of my head I've terrible short-term memory loss which I like to think of as presidential eligibility [Applause] that by the way can be said for any president so please don't go Dixie chicken me over that really but you know I'm obviously a well not obviously but I am in fact a Democrat and I think here's the thing you guys we should vote as soon as possible weird you're great until we pick a candidate then we go straight in the toilet how's it but I think it's because we always choose our nominee from Gepetto's workshop we gotta get a real boy that would be good [Music] [Applause] [Music] I remember I ordered a roast beef sub one time at a submarine sandwich shop and the guy said to me said you want everything on I said no no onions I get the roast beef sub and there were black olives on it so he took it back up the guy go there's there's black olives in my roast beef sub and he said well you said you wanted everything so I had no idea I had to list every hideous disgusting food that belongs nowhere near a roast beefs up okay no coconuts no grapefruit if you use Necco wafers not the black ones my kids are so sad they actually they don't know that I don't cook and and I don't cook they've never actually seen an ingredient in their entire life I swear do they think that peel back plastic and cook at 350 for 28 minutes is an old family recipe they've actually said before that like they've eaten a food someplace and say we like yours better mommy and they don't have any idea there's like Stouffer's they think it's supposed to be that way one time they heard there was an early Frost and they were excited because it would be good for the vegetables [Music] we actually don't celebrate all out of the regular holidays and my kids get so mad at me about we don't celebrate Easter my kids get mad at me about that you know I go well first of all it's not part of our religious beliefs and second of all you don't like eggs and third of all you don't look for anything [Music] it's a Happy Easter go find your socks my children have gone to a wonderful elementary school in Santa Monica California that I love so much and one of the things that's great about it is that it's so diverse there really are people from every possible group that you could think of there at that school and it's a really great thing and I and I think they've done a good job of you know kind of telling about everybody's background I remember one time when Thomas he was in preschool we picked him up one day and let me just say we picked him up every day just want to nip in the bud any rumors that get started there yeah no more interventions thank you we picked him up one day and was clicking himself into his car seat and with greatest sincerity he turned to his older sister and said today we ate square crackers and celebrated the holiday of pass out it was all I could do not to tell him mommy is just celebrate passage kept that to myself what do you do for a living ma'am Facilities Coordinator you work for what Yahoo Yahoo as Facilities Coordinator yeah but aren't they I don't know anything about computers ma'am she really I tend to just glaze over when this topic comes up I've heard of Yahoo isn't it some internet e thingy well then why would why would they have a facility do you notice it's empty so you thought when you went to a website there was actually someone there's no you were thinking where did you come from were you facilitating somewhere else and they they saw you facilitating and they said how would you like to come facilitate for us it's basically office management boy you'd think I've been hammering at you for hours to get you to that already yeah after about another 5 minutes you're gonna be alright I talked to you anything I have a website so where were you before there Yahoo hot job Yahoo hot jobs what was y'all who that's a different thing because I noticed it has the same first name what's hot jobs anyways what does that mean do you work in the hot jobs please did someone say stop it it was causing anxiety for somebody I can swear someone stop it you're killing just like that seem to me taste why did you yell stop it has anyone near the woman who is it job it please you said job it you just shouted out job it and now you're talking about that like is perfectly normal no I yells job it were you assuming because of my rehab experience I'd be supportive I did I just yelled job it well I'm so glad you were here with us when it happened so many places that would be inappropriate but here ma'am have you ever been with her somewhere before where she just yelled job it like that because really it's happened before and you still go out with it see if people won't quail hunt with Janie anymore but the job at girl still gets partners for the evening so what happened that made you yelled job it no because I was talking to her and because it was a hot job thing so you heard the word job you must be so good at Scrabble cuz you just jumped in and connected right up you got a triple word score there didn't ya job it do you work for a place called job it she just said job it again that's it's all I can get out of her [Music] she can say two different volumes and it's like it's like a language made up of just one word it's just different depending on the expressive job in it boy the lady who's with her is the one I want to know about you are so good with her how do you guys happen to know each other are you Ryan those of that yeah yeah when the late day Yahoo haunts what lady one boy you don't punch out do you you just carry that loyalty all the way to the theater that's like a little scene from West Side Story in that one sense what do you do for job it call up employers and we tell them to post on our site you call up employers and you tell them to post on your site you just cold call what do you say just get like a phone barking hello antwon's we were wondering if you have any job supposed oh you would have called us okay thank you hello Bob's bucket Emporium yeah we were just wondering if you needed any help over there alrighty thank you that's how you do it how do you know who to call you got a hot jobs what you are gonna get so fired for that endorsement my daughter Ali you know the kids are just told you I think I'm the same mom to all three of them but they are three totally different children you know my daughter Allison was 12 years old she said to me earlier this year she said mom will you help me study for a science test I said well sure honey why you got a science test tomorrow and she said no next week so what the hell are you doing you want to remember this stuff don't you [Music] the morning before is not good enough for you I guess somebody doesn't want to be a brownstone as much as the ocean I fight I'm a lot more like Kersey honest truth the other day I found I was doing the laundry and I found her report card in her pants pocket because not only was she's not gonna show it to me but she was gonna wreak a load of laundry with it as well and I thought where she had taken a d-minus and taken a marker and made it into a d-plus I couldn't up laughing when I talked to you about like joshing you giving me more credit than I'm worth there you know I'm not that into nuance honey once you're in the D range just what a ride baby I showed her how to make it into a B and I said in the future a little self-respect well I guess in California now there's been a situation of the thing that happened in Kansas you know where they were teaching the what is it where they want whether if they were gonna teach evolution they did intelligent design which apparently and now we had one in California it happened to Anna Bradley in Kansas they're not even teaching science anymore they just what they do is they take the kids the science students and the teacher brings them down to a lake and puts them in a burlap sack they throw them in a lake and if God thinks they're good science students I believe this to my core that we're gonna be blown up very soon and maybe this isn't good for TV maybe this isn't even good for comedy I firmly believe that we're gonna be blown sky-high we've pissed off too many people so many people are not so we have weapons that people can do that with and I think it's gonna happen that's all there is to it it's only a matter of time now once you accept that I find that a much happier I really do i when i go when i fly i play this game which is i'm very nervous about the security line so i always get there very very early i'm usually i get to the airport two hours ahead of time and i'm often the first person at the gate and and and and while i sit there the rest of the passengers show up and i think to myself what if the nuclear blast happened right now and right when we were up in the air excuse me right when we were up in the air and now we are the only people left because we were up in the air and when we land we have to restart mankind I always I look around the gate and I think who would I have sex with sometimes there's a wife involved and I because a lot of times I'd go up and tell the winner and I explained them like oh this is not about love this is about restarting mankind and I'm very young physically strong I don't get sick off and I think I would really be good you know for the species there might be a little bit of mental illness but I don't think is anything to worry about I was diagnosed a few years back now with obsessive-compulsive disorder and you know everyone has it actually you're born with it it's genetic it's only diagnosed based on the degree to which it interrupts your life and it manifests itself differently in different people from it a lot of people think of his cleaning Jones and I do have that you know in fact I've recently written a book called the crevice tool the Forgotten attachment and [Music] you know it's that thing where you know when you lay down in bed and then you have to get up and do something that's it really you could have done tomorrow you know what I mean it's a thing that just makes you like not feel right until it's done and a lot of times it's not logical stuff necessarily just stuff yeah you know they have to do there's some people that you want to have OCD you know I want my countdown boat CD I want them to have it up the yin-yang thank you very much be good of my surgeon had OCD that would be good but anyways for me one of the ways in which it manifests itself is as I can't stop talking and I just I'm driven to talk all the time and you know I mean I'm really glad you guys are here but the truth is even if you worked I would school [Applause] and I've kind of worked it into a job but socially it is the biggest drag it really is because I cannot shut up and everything anybody else says even I try to listen I just often can't hear them over the sounds of my own voice anything anybody else says reminds me of something that happened to me once and of course I cut them off I'm off and running again you know Martin Luther King could come to my hotel room tonight and say to me I had a dream and I take I had one too only mine my poor kids I lecture and lecture and lecture it's it's it's kind of a it's a weird little Jones to have you know a lot of times when the show is over it's very hard for me to get off and I just keep going and going you know what starts out is my problem eventually will become your problem my shows have actually been reviewed as hostage crises I wrote a book um and it's I don't even know when it's coming out but sometime and I when I started to work on it it's with it's with random mouths but they have so many different umbrellas I was with Random House or crown or harmony i I don't know it's not with Harlequin I know that for sure there's nothing I do that would even be in a Harlequin book uh I don't like sex at all there it's been said only in the interest of renewing mankind would I I'm sure there's something horribly wrong with me sexually I have no doubt of that and that if I if I went to a sex therapist every day and talked for hours and and journaled and took medication and watched educational films and worked with plastic figurines I'm sure that it could be overcome but quite honestly right from where I'm standing now I can't imagine any physical sensation that I would enjoy more than sleep I'm a single working mom with three kids ten cats a big stupid dog a bearded dragon lizard a bunny one ant left from my ant farm I don't go to bed at night I pass out the idea that we're going to my bedroom and there'd be someone in there with whom I had to have an activity it's just upsetting to me so I'm so I made this deal eight years ago to write a book and then I sat in front of blank paper like the person that the Academy Awards always makes the speech about writing the script and the loneliness of the blank pad and I couldn't do it I couldn't do it I couldn't do it I couldn't do it and then I finally realized I was supposed to write about me there was no reason write about me who cares about me was this do it so I finally realized if I wrote about Abraham Lincoln I couldn't shut up about me so that's exactly what I did I spent eight years writing and researching I wrote a book that's a series of biographies of towering historic figures and in the telling of their story I told my own as it turns out I had so much in common with them it was hard to separate myself from Joan of Arc after one just this reminded me of that reminded baby I you know and and I apparently I'm not a writer really I got it back from the editor and clearly I was out when they went over the semicolon and school I never in my entire life I've written a semicolon you know I don't use a computer but when I was younger and I typed my pinky wasn't strong enough to use a semicolon apparently I use it verbally I'm like orally I guess I usually call in a while like if you were transcribed what I say apparently it's semicolon semicolon semicolon is there anybody here who happens taking teach English and knows when you use it semicolon it's what where's to complete thoughts when they could be sentences on their own what's the matter what's the matter with a period you just separate them with a semicolon can you give me an example sir with the man beside you is raising his hand apparently you guys don't have the convert kind of relationship where you just speak freely he can't I can't he can't I can oh that was a Chevy car [Music] why wouldn't you use buried there it's a style choice huh and you've been using semicolons all this time he Styles little fella you what what do you do for a living sir you're working for an attorney I hate attorneys you too I had I had a really bad attorney at one point I swear to God III came back from the talkin of the came over to my little defense table and told me that he'd gotten me my probation reduced turned out he got me the death penalty and when I tried to argue he said no no it's better you don't have to check in as often I'm a bad driving the terrible drug and by the way when you're honking yell at me it in no way improves my performance people can yell at me all the time they roll down their window and yell as I roll my window down and go you don't know the half of it why would that be a good thing to do our van makes a beeping noise I just figured this out our van makes a beeping noise just before you crash into something from behind [Music] who has several accidents I've had the last thing I said was what the hell is that [Applause] what you do for me I'm not lady right yeah right you're right I mean you're right Yuri right really really boring stuff and even knowing that you won't change [Music] usually I get a couple of reviews like that yeah what would it mean right really really boring stuff book reports about insurance filings and not a lot of adjectives did you know how the semicolon was used did you know how the semicolon is used yeah usually you do know how to use the semicolon and yet when I asked earlier I don't recall your hands shutting up you just decided I was on my own with that why he was holding your hand down is that the kind of relationship you have you know when you're something yet you're good at you should be able to say so you should not have someone telling you not to say that you knew about semicolons what do you do for a living sir clearly you're in charge of her Norman banking you're in banking Wow are you in the loan department I tried to get a loan on my bank the guy wouldn't even let me borrow the pen to fill out the form where did you guys meet are you married or just here together engaged I didn't think people did that anymore that's curacao thing really how do you when you're engaged is it because one of you said to the other let's get married was there an engagement ring was it like that all that is the cutest little thing so who did - who proposed - did you propose to her like in kind of a traditional women proposed to man when did you say women proposed to men how many women do you hear proposing to men it certainly explains him not letting you raise your hand about this now what how many women do you hear no you're right it's true sir somebody to propose to her what kind of a question first of all I didn't know it was gonna upset you number one I didn't know you're so sensitive on this issue but no I guess I thought maybe it did happen sometimes I guess I'm wrong and I accept that because I'm like that I'm able to do that but I guess I was thinking that it was more like a thing that two people kind of decided together necessarily more than the guy swaggering in little lady oh I got a special idea for you what if she handled your question the way you handled mine what will you marry me what are you talking about have you ever heard anyone ask me that before I have never seen you that upset before was it something at the bank that you set you off earlier cuz I feel I can't be that question cuz it wasn't that upsetting but there must have been something that had you kind of like a mousetrap like in that catalyst ready to go off but you probably turned her earlier if one more thing goes wrong tonight and you said honey maybe we shouldn't go no I want to go I want to laugh and have a good time telling you if one person just something that makes no sense the engagement is off ma'am you don't know [Applause] sure it was something at the bank I'm sure it was a tough day at the bank or maybe where did you guys meet originally I went with my best girlfriend to her office Christmas party and he works for the same place apart you want with your best girlfriend to your office Christmas her office Christmas party and he worked at the same place with her oh isn't that sweet and so you saw him like you know just stand around chat and maybe with maybe like a reindeer thing on that people put on at Christmas and he said hey it was that fun-loving guy over there and let me guess you didn't ask him anything right off the bat [Music] so your work with Linda would I be here if I didn't work when stinking [Applause] [Music] I I'd I am I do feel a little puppet joke about feet there's a love story that took place around Christmas time last year hey how are you [Music] [Applause] god I'm in a weird mood I think I manually aren't really well though and that's the important thing I am I often wish that I had a degenerative disease and I'll tell you why I'm tired and achy all the time anyways I don't think I'm gonna feel any worse but if I had a degenerative disease the exact same behavior I have now would be considered courageous I could roll out of bed about noon and somebody in the other room would whisper she insisted on getting up [Music] she gives until she simply can't give anymore [Applause] you know Ella Fitzgerald once worked on this stage but did she put her butt on the floor no that's what makes me special all right you guys what he's kind of giving up modeling wasn't easy for me I'm trying to think what I can leave you with it somehow meaningful and deep probably yeah I know probably nothing what my cat's how do you know about my cat's let's get out of here my cat Scout died you know well she was very old and quite frankly she wasn't that happy she'd spent the last year of her life sitting in a rocking chair projectile vomiting all right I'm trying to think of what's meaningful and deep that I can leave you with I died about 15 years ago my heart stopped for a minute and I can tell you this about that there is no bright light and there's nobody wavin you anywhere unless of course there's a one-minute waiting period that I'm not familiar with or unless my friends and loved ones are avoiding me even in death cover the light cover the light I thank you so very much [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause]

Channel: Anton Shabunin

Views: 1,775,882

Keywords:

Id: HjxnGy7Se1g

Length: 43min 49sec (2629 seconds)

Published: Mon Feb 19 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/jessdot]

"The idea that I'd go into my bedroom and there'd be someone in there with whom I had to have an activity?"

Honestly same.

[u/wasabisauced]

Holy fuck this person is hilarious.

[u/[deleted]]

Thanks for sharing! Didn't know about Paula. Had quite a few laughs on her show! Best, Ines