Steven Wright Delivers In This Fantastic First Appearance - Carson Tonight Show - 08/06/1982

okay i'm always glad to introduce a new comedian especially on friday nights because friday night audiences are usually up this young man this young man is from boston it's his first first appearance on national television and uh i think you're going to find him a little different would you welcome stephen wright [Applause] thanks i uh i i had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up they were mad i was caesarean born you can't really tell although whenever i leave a house i go out through the window i called the wrong number today i said hello is joey there and a woman answered she said yes yes he is i said can i speak to him please she said no he can't talk right now he's only two months old [Laughter] i said all right i'll wait [Applause] i finally went to the eye doctor i got contacts but i only need them when i read so i got flip ups keep them on my desk right next to my typewriter i have the oldest typewriter in the entire world types in pencil under my bed i have a shoe box well if telephone rings whenever i get lonely i open it up just a little bit and i get a call one time i drop the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing so i had to have it disconnected i got another phone though i didn't have much money so i had to get an irregular phone it had no five on it clone had no five on it i was walking down the street i bumped into a good friend of mine he said how come you never call me anymore i said i can't call everyone i want my phone has no five on it he said that's really weird how long have you had it i said i don't know my calendar has no sevens i got up the other day and everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica i couldn't believe it i called my roommate and i said come here look at this stuff it's on exact replica what do you think he said do i know you one time right in the middle of a job interview i took out a book and i started reading the guy said what the hell are you doing i said let me ask you one question if you were in a vehicle and you were traveling at the speed of light and then you turned your lights on would they do anything he said i don't know i said forget it then i don't want to work for you i've never seen electricity that's why i don't pay for it all right right on the bill sorry i haven't seen it all months a couple of nights ago i came home very late and i was having a little bit of trouble getting into my apartment i accidentally took out a car key and i stuck it into the door and turned it and the building started up so i drove it around for a while i went too fast and the police pulled me over they said where do you live i said right here then i parked it in the middle of a highway and i ran out the front door and yelled at all the cars to get the hell out of my driveway it's a good apartment billing to live in though because they allow pets i have a pony i have a shetland pony named nikki and last summer he was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident all the hair was removed except for the tail now i rent him out to hari krishna family picnics yeah it's a small world but i wouldn't want to paint it [Applause] one time i went to the drive-in in a cab the movie cost me 95 dollars i went to court for a parking ticket i pleaded insanity four years ago no it was yesterday [Applause] i couldn't sleep so i got up then i got hungry so i went down to the store that i know it was open 24 hours when i got down there there was a guy outside locking it up he said sorry we're closed i said what do you mean you're closed the sign says open 24 hours he said not in a row good to see you stephen how's it going waterfall did they uh just let you out for this evening uh yeah i have an hour left that's that's wonderfully inventive stuff thanks really is this your first time on first national television national television yes yeah how do you feel man what i'm in shock did it do did you go the way you thought it would go yeah it's it's uh yep [Applause] not a lot of comedians don't come out of boston no there's uh there's a lot of good ones there and they'll they're they're with me right now in my head where do you work in boston i work at the comedy connection and constant comedy which is in cambridge massachusetts yeah and that's where uh peter la sally saw me who that's right he's got me here and uh he saw me he didn't say anything but three weeks later the phone rang and he said how'd you like to do the tonight show and i said uh i think you have the wrong number showing all the security that comedian said yes [Music] i talked to him for about 15 minutes and then i hung up and i called everyone i knew and my family and no one was home i sat back down i was watching the cartoons and uh i i just thought i was dreaming yeah well i hope this won't be the last time you'll be here you

Channel: Johnny Carson

Views: 761,272

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Id: 4GGyQNMPDkk

Length: 8min 22sec (502 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 01 2021