Steven Wright - Just for Laughs - 1995

[Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] you know I was gonna do that so I get off the plane and I forgot to undo my seatbelt and I'm pulling the plane through the terminal and the wings are knocking people over and then I almost broke both my arms Chyna hold open a revolving door for a woman [Applause] then I tried to hang myself with bungee cord I kept almost dying and then I went into a store and I tried to buy something to put underneath the coasters and then I went to a museum where they had all the heads in arms from the statues that are in all other museums so I'm driving down the street is a guy who checking I figured I'll go back and pick him up so before I back up I put a tape and add a tape of that noise of trucks make when they back up got a bootleg version that I put the tape in and I'm backing up backing up backing up and I get there and the guy gets in and he I says to him where he going and he said I love this album and I said all right so we start driving and I'm being really careful cuz it's an old car and I installed my own airbags in it I got an old beanbag chair some helium and a compressor and if I just hit the accident just right it should be floating up in the sky laughing hysterically so it Drive and I said to him uh my guitar will you drive and he said no I can't drive an automatic [Applause] he said to me did you ever fall asleep driving and I said no I've woken up driving and a red light came on a dashboard he said what's that and I said don't worry about it that's just to tell whether or not that bulb is working and then we saw a sign next mile one mile then another sign next rest area 25 miles I thought wow that's pretty big [Applause] people must get really tired around here so I said Tony so what are you doing he said I'm a student I said really would he study and he said journalism I said really I'm writing a short story myself right now it's the story of a photographer who goes completely insane trying to take a close-up photograph of the horizon well they said to me what are you doing I said oh I'm a peripheral visionary I can see into the future but just way off to the side [Applause] and all of a sudden is a school bus conked out on the railroad tracks train is coming bus train bus train oh now can you feel a tension like in the movies you know you see the train you see the bus getting closer oh my god in the movies you know in the movies when somebody reads a letter in here the voice is the person who wrote the letter that kills me that happens to me when I read menus bus train bus train oh my god Maya says to me my god these people are gonna be killed instantly I said well everybody dies instantly it's the only way he can die you're alive you're alive you're alive than you're dead [Applause] he said but they're not gonna die of natural causes I said they're getting hit by a train naturally they're gonna die then I said to him you know we better get out of here they're gonna blame this on us so we start driving away and I put the other tape I had in I had a tape best of music I only like one side of it and we're driving and I go too fast in the police puzzle-solving he says license registration please and I leaned over to get and I said to the guy my god that cops voice that's the guy who writes the menus he said what and I said nevermind I'll tell you later so I give him the stuff and I said by the way do you know what today's specials are and he said what are you wise guy I said I have my moments of clear perspective and we were arrested I've been arrested several times I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God yes you're ugly see that woman in the jury I'd really like to sleep with her should I keep going you're gonna ask me questions I'm thinking about my grandfather now he had a special rocking chair built that would lean forward rather than backwards so he could fake interest in any conversation I [Applause] remember when I was a fetus I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleep I thought to myself you know now is the time I should start stealing some stuff since I don't have any fingerprints [Applause] remember when I was 7 my grandmother said Steven come over here I said what do you mean she said you know you're over there and he'll come over to here I said all right and then she said here's $10 and don't tell your mother that I'm giving this to you and I said it'll cost you more than that [Applause] I got a new dog he's a paranoid retriever he brings a kever eating cuz he's not sure what I throw thanks a lot [Music]

Channel: VHSfx

Views: 1,881,845

Keywords: Comedy, Just For Laughs (Comedy Venue), Stand-up comedy, Funny, Steven Wright (Comedian)

Id: 9Mz3EWJGGH0

Length: 8min 16sec (496 seconds)

Published: Mon May 27 2013