mr. Cates are nice to see you again sir the evening Carl this is my wife Susan hello good evening madam hey you busy no I'm having my lunch place hey cauliflower must be Thursday it's potatoes in this right this way Marlys Steven still here yes mr. Kate she is like his table please as you wish sir yeah Naomi yeah I build that up last night it didn't work last night didn't work one night do you see my tie [Applause] [Music] Thank You Karl [Music] but why please tell me are we here I mean what is so special about this place we're in for an unforgettable experience this is the most absent-minded waiter I have ever seen Steve Deborah 1942 right away please but no table 19 alright table 19 expensive restaurant a lot of money to come in here they're expecting a professional waiter so here we go and good evening and welcome well would you like to see a menu yes ah but first I'll take your order save a little time on that scoot now what would you like I'll just have the New York steak medium with a small spinach salad very good ten-four Manimal now what would you like New York steak medium and a small spinach so that's popular dish another fella just ordered that now would you like something to drink we'll have two martinis two martinis now would either of you like anything to drink we'll have two martinis two martinis excellent now would either of you like anything to drink I guess we'll each have a martini ah two martinis good I'll be back in just a moment [Music] excuse me get back with your appetizers and just get an order appetizers would you please tell me what's going on here George Munoz brought me in here a couple of weeks ago it was incredible all right here's your drink order one two three four five six martinis and your Lord omelette a lard omelette I can Wanda lard olive well you better make up your mind mommy anything isn't yes it's amazing not very amusing ah what a meal huh save room for a little dessert how about some nice dutch sugar jelly cake it's good for you [Music] excuse me but we haven't gotten our entrees yet excuse me but we haven't even gotten our entrees yet oh sorry I just went to the Bahamas for a moment what no Andres the chef's must have forgot it's crazy trust me trust you trust me lips curly maple surprise here's your cold barred omelet hold the onions but I just don't believe you're doing this to me I mean I hire a babysitter I get my hair fixed I Drive all the way into town to meet you I risk death and God knows what kind of a sinister parking lot and for this we don't really go out that often and I'm not gonna forget this travesty very soon you're first and there's your change nineteen fifty 20 30 40 60 80 100 200 300 400 500 600 700 800 and 1,000 2,000 3,000 4,000 5,000 6,000 7,000 8,000 9,000 $10,000 thank you and come again ah - for dinner ah yes - please certainly sit right down hmm I'll have this mess cleaned off for you in a moment pigs must have been here [Music] grab your coat and get your ha leave it on the doorstep just die wretch you're on the funny side of the street can't you hear that Peter the Society for the preservation of comedy genius in accordance with the last wishes of Mahatma Gandhi presents Steve Martin in in that homage to Steve yes Steve Martin the world's funniest white man in concert at the Universal amphitheater September 28 1979 okay who's next um Alan Steve how much time should I take between a setup and a punch line of the joke a second and a half Steve Steve Steve Steve Steve David is it alright to do material that's off-color David that's up to each performers own personality and style Steve do you think a sad song is less effective if it's performed with an up-tempo beat Paul I'd really prefer just to talk about my comedy right now hello oh hi woody sure a second and a half any time bye Steve what is comedy yeah yeah good question right comedy is the ability to make people laugh without making them puke oh hi Ritchie sure well that's up to each performers own sense of personality and style no I would use mother yes it sounds better okay bye sometimes when I'm working in a minor key I think to myself thank Steve Steve do you have any really rare footage of you doing your act in concert well I I do but I would prefer not to show it okay guys let's see I do have this one tape from here it is 1979 I guess it'd be okay to show it [Applause] oh they have these things are good [Applause] okay let's not waste any more time [Applause] boy those are good seats up there the show has started I can see him selling those seat oh yeah they're real good [Applause] our ticket with tickets 975 during the week that's not bad really to see a big show like this well with all the props and everything [Applause] it's kind of fun for me to see the people in the audience with the amateur model arrow through the head this of course is the professional model made in Germany it cost one hundred and fifty dollars but really 975 that's nothing for that someone should come out and go okay one more time for the photographers [Applause] [Music] ah what a cute girl well you get to see a show all I have our memories and then into professional photography I paid 900 bucks for this that too much so these cameras are great because an idiot broke my camera oh there we go [Applause] have a new record coming out in about three weeks [Applause] the the only reason I mentioned it I will be on TV some shows to promote it if you want to watch I don't think it this year bowling for [ __ ] [Applause] so they want me on all these shows now because it is so well on Celebrity [ __ ] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] recognize the song you know this one dude [Music] I'm a random guy [Music] Black's what I'm here for nine days so I guess for this nine days I'm a stationary guy one stationary a stationary guy stationary out here in Los Angles one of my favorite towns I studied a lot about Los Angeles and it's great to be here in the capital of California [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] giggle of tires and sing along okay this half of the room good we've got it now okay [Music] alright Johnny no [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] this all time [Applause] why must've looked like an idiot up there I'm sorry I've degraded myself and I will never ever wear something like this okay [Applause] okay [Applause] oh yeah little boy [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] jaws to [Music] [Applause] [Applause] sorry lost my mind just for but that's okay for me [Applause] I am [Applause] that kind of guy I might elect to do anything at any oh I might like to drink champagne at the 3 a.m. or maybe even wear two socks on the one what many people come to man they say hey how can you be such as slinging sex God well I fail you it's not the because I can to make a lot of up to one time and that it's not the bit cause I've set of things our woman wants to hear like are you through yet [Applause] it's because I know how to read woman if she is like a cat I have kitty litter [Music] [Applause] [Music] if shares like a dog we do it on the paper [Applause] but I'm also a unique kind of guy the kind of guy who likes to have his own special sand not to smell like every other guy I like to have my own in that vigil order that's why our tuna fish same way put a fish that looks under each arm maybe one or two behind the air I don't smell like any other guy and it's economical too because the smell lasts for four or five days [Applause] many people come to me and they say hey what kind of girl is it you want to meet what I'll tell you I just want to meet a girl with a head on her shoulders I hate next I'm like this [Applause] we go to a fancy restaurant and I walk in with her ever ahead terms except her she has no neck [Applause] hey grandpa bought a rubber and now it's time for Charlie I know what you're saying you're saying oh I bet this guy can't juggle I love it when they go far away start with the easy stuff first of all I juggle 1/3 [Applause] alright be over the shoulder trick now under the leg [Applause] let's see can you catch you sir take it toss it up in midair okay put it right about there [Applause] [Music] far away [Applause] [Applause] hey it's a muppet hi boys and girls now have orange juice on me I have the rubber fish towel okay everyone should have one you get the Muppets here aren't they cute so they tape that show in London it's so much fun to do it they fly you over for free so it's like a paid vacation so I went the one that I was so close to Paris I decided to go over there so I saw London and I saw France and then I saw someone's Underpants how many people have plans to go to France raise your hand okay now listen if you're going to France let me give you a warning in France chapeau means hat rule means three it's like those French have a different word for everything they do it to screw you up I'm not kidding now I speak English I studied English for about two or three years and I think I've lost my accent completely I could think I could speak English very very well I went over there thinking English will be fine because it's a universal language and everyone speaks it so I get off the plane getting in the taxi say to the driver I'd like to go to a hotel please the driver turns goes rhombus real a bit of a flaw so the first thing you do this is really dumb you adopt a French accent because you think that'll help I would like to go to the hotel that's nothing so I went out and bought a little French phrase book hoping to memorize French but the French is not like Spanish Spanish is easy for Americans you can kind of sound it out Casa de Pape a donde esta Casa de Pepe but French is like a lot [Music] what happened his boyfriend's his dad have I started yet I have okay then let's go I think [Music] oh no I'm getting Legionnaires disease [Applause] I think the most memorable experience I had in France was visiting the Cathedral a chart and if you've never been there it's a beautiful 400 year old cathedral beautiful stained glass and as I'll be honest with you is a very very moving experience and as I was writing my name on it with a can of spray paint I thought of a religious experience I had earlier about six months ago I was at home and an angel appeared before me and it's so much fun cuz you the best thing to do if an angel appears before you you try and poke your hand through it drives them nuts but you know it's so hard to believe in anything anymore you know that like religion is so mythological and it's awesome story myths came down the sky with the magic golden rings and science on the other hand is just pure empiricism and by virtue of its method it excludes metaphysics and I guess I wouldn't believe in anything if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch see this I got this for five bucks [Applause] well you've got to be a wise shopper nowadays you see something like that you better pick it up because what with prices today I wanted to buy some carpeting you know how much they want for carpeting $15 a square yard and I'm sorry I am NOT going to pay that for carpeting so what I did I bought two square yards and when I go home I strap them to my feet by the way I handle all my own finances I don't believe in that accountant stuff and I'm happy to say I recently purchased my own form of private transportation which we landed out here at the airport a couple of days ago it's not easy landing a station wagon out here at the airport and also we never announced this ahead of time because it always sounds like a phony deal but part of the money taken in here tonight will be going to charity I do a lot of work with unwed mothers no just helping them get their start now come on seriously I do work with the SPCA a lot and there's a lot of things going on now like in Mexico some people think it's a sport I happen to think it's cruelty to animals I'm talking about of course cat juggling I take the little kitties Tim four weeks old and they juggle them for money where's the poor little kittens are going [Applause] and there's something going on in Kansas right now it makes me sick they take little laboratory mice never heard anybody bring them out to Holly wouldn't tell them they're going to be in pictures [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] way back [Applause] okay [Music] I know what you're saying you're saying oh I'll bet he's on drugs well I just like to say right now don't take any drugs are completely quit taking everything and that includes getting small oh sure that's easy for you to do you haven't been through what I have been through you see about three weeks ago test twos [Music] thank God I had some close friends there - can I get me up and walk me around a little bit they'll all smoking out there it kind of bothers some people if you're trying to watch a show on someone sitting in front of a wall the only time it bothers me if I'm in a restaurant and I'm eating uh someone says hey mind if I smoke oh I see oh no they mind if I [Applause] [Music] do you know ever wonder where all the farts go [Applause] well I'll tell you they go up into the atmosphere and they form the fart zone [Applause] it's right above the ozone layer and this is why we have to protect the ozone layer if anything happens to the ozone then the farts fall back to earth and not on their original owners [Applause] you know I used to make a lot of sex jokes during my show and I've pretty much cut it out and I'll tell you why I think the reason I made the jokes is because I was insecure and I've grown more secure as a matter of fact I quit using the amateur for lactic sigh only use the prophylactics now what I feel pretty good tonight I really do I think I think tonight's gonna be the night for me I think you know what I'm talking about no come on I'm a ramblin guy and you come up here to Universal City let's be honest there's a lot of appealing a man is only a guy so I'll be honest with you probably hanging out in the parking lot after the show looking for a girl Owens - um let's see what's the most decent way I can put this um looking for a girl wants to do a little of this okay [Applause] [Music] and who knows I might even get into some of this I'm not too sure well boy wouldn't it be wild if she was into this actually that's a myth about entertainers always think you meet girls think it don't because here I'm in town for nine days and you don't have time to get to know anybody and I'm not into that one-night thing I think a person should get to know someone and even be in love with them before you use and degrade them [Applause] and I feel sorry for women I'll tell you why because so many men think they're into this kinky sex and I wouldn't have said that but six months ago I met a girl and she was taking singing lessons and her coach 84 year old guy you think it'd be the last guy in the world to be weird but listen to this he kept wanting her to sing from her diaphragm [Applause] I mean that would take years to learn that [Music] and this doesn't happen very often about three weeks ago I met a girl she was real nice and she invited me to her apartment so I went over there and she had the best [ __ ] I have him oh come on I'm talking about her cat now that makes me sick right [Music] you can't say anything anymore that people don't take it dirty and I'm sorry that disgusts me that cat was the best [ __ ] ever [Applause] how many people have cats one two three okay ten now let me ask you this do you trust them because I've got to get up here a cat handcuffs and I gotta get them right away just the little ones that go around the little front paws or maybe the manacles of four that get all four paws but what a drag I found out my cat was embezzling from me you think you know I cat for ten years he pulled something like this found out while I was away he would go out to the mailbox pick up the checks take him down to the bank in cash room disguised as me he had the little kitty arrow through the hand and that wouldn't cut him but I went outside to his little house where he sleeps there was about $3,000 worth of cat toys out there and you can't return them because they have spit all over him so now I'm stuck with $3,000 for the cat toys oh sure they're fun got the little rubber Mouse has a bell inside Oh I hate it when it goes under the sofa whoa [Applause] hi Crimestoppers let's repeat the Crimestoppers oh I promise not to bully my friends love to leave my keys in the car I promise not to depreciate non-taxable items brought work from the previous tax year good now let's repeat the nonconformist oath I promise to be different I promise to be unique I promise not to repeat things other people say [Applause] [Music] let's play the banjo on second thought I'll play the banjo it'd be too confusing if we all benefit [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] as a kid I was grateful to my grandmother and she used to sing a song to me that's always kind of meant something to me not I'd like to do this for you right now it's kind of a sentimental thing maybe it has no place in a comedy show [Music] it's possible - come on do something a little more meaningful maybe something that has not so right now I stick this time out singing the song my grandmother used to sing to me when I was just be peaceful each day be warm and human and grateful and have a good thing to say be thoughtful and trustful in child line be witty and happy and wise be honest and love your neighbors be obsequious purpler boy be sure to stop at stop signs and drive 55 miles an hour pick up hitchhikers falling at the mouth and when you get home the master's degree in geology okay everybody be courteous kind and forgiving be courteous be gentle and peaceful each day they warm and humid and grateful how would they to say a thoughtful impressed full and childlike be [Music] be witty and happy and wise being witty be honest to love all your neighbors me the obsequious purple and purple and everybody saying man be published obesity factory outside be dull and boring and omnipresent criticize things you don't know about yeah 100 he's removed [Music] you'll never make up to Bigfoot [Music] my name is Bigfoot everyone put a live chicken in your underwear [Music] positive Sunday [Applause] well here's something you don't often see you know I have figured out one thing that would totally put it into show business and that is if the human race instead of having two arms just had one arm right in the center of our body now the reason that would put it into show business how would people clap kind of put it in two encores nobody's gonna go more see we're lucky is my face red it keeps me young everyone stay on wet steve-o so I think we're lucky the way the human body turned out it could have been so different and think how lucky you are to have your mouth where it is it could have been anyplace imagine yourselves in a restaurant you are [Applause] don't worry I haven't forgotten [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] that reminds me of something okay you had great ideas you're really up and now it's time for well Kendall trick here we go [Applause] I thought they were out all right here we go [Applause] all right I'd like to remove that one out is sort of another [Music] well you people are fast and now it's time for fun boon animal what have you seen this before I'm sorry I don't like to repeat [Music] oh I don't know the dude no I don't like to repeat and yet the audience is demanding that I do it I'll tell you what I do I'll make a compromise I'll make balloon animals but I won't blow them up [Applause] [Applause] it's funny whenever I'm on it becomes like Planet of the Apes already from quick [Applause] okay go away go away [Music] [Applause] yeah I feel right [Applause] boo that's that broken one haha another penny down the break [Music] Sarris felt the blues with words and if they popsicle [Applause] not easy getting that air to curls inside your lungs like that [Music] [Music] [Applause] and now it's time for button below [Applause] poly dog [Applause] venereal disease you see this Anatole Otzi don't surround [Applause] because they leap on you and you can get it on your lip dude hello mr. Johnson is Sally home [Applause] I'm going to get pregnant now hey this is getting expensive [Applause] I'd like to get serious just for a moment we're having fun out here that's the important thing to be able to laugh in today's world because all the terrorism and crime and but I'll tell you something something that bothers me more than all of the terrorism and crimes when people come up to me and say they have [ __ ] bites don't they know the proper name for the insect is checker oh they have no intelligence but we've had a few laughs and I think that's important truly please remember one thing I'm an experienced professional don't you try this at home and one more thing if you bought my album and you came down here expecting me to do a lot of routines from the record and I didn't do them [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] when it was a young man he never thought it seen people stand in line to see the [ __ ] [Music] then line up to see them take I've taken all my money and bought me love you [Music] okay he's my favorite hugger [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] venerate it is Jimmy sound elitist oh gosh [Applause] grab your post and get your ha leave it on the doorstep just die wretch you're on the sunny side of the street change here that hitter that little happy - nature's step and life can be sold we on a funny side of the street why should you in that shade with your don't be afraid they are older
